Necessary Losses

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.” Our life, our growth could be seen as a progression of letting go.

She writes:

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up and giving up and giving up some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

We should understand how these losses are linked to our gains.

For in leaving the blurred-boundary bliss of mother-child oneness, we become a conscious, unique and separate self, exchanging the illusion of absolute shelter and absolute safety for the triumphant anxieties of standing alone.

And in bowing to the forbidden and the impossible, we become a moral, responsible, adult self, discovering—within the limitations imposed by necessity—our freedoms and choices.

And in giving up our impossible expectations, we become a lovingly connected self, renouncing ideal visions of perfect friendship, marriage, children, family life for the sweet imperfections of all-too-human relationships.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we must give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

Viorst lists times in our lives when we must let go, followed by what we will gain by doing so:

Childhood’s End – We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions. We don’t blame our current lives on our childhood.

The Married State – We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go – In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth – Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or who we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones – Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality – By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

When we are children, we tend to strive to achieve the next level of growth. My granddaughter has just begun to walk and now her day is spent standing up and down, climbing up and down, daring herself to toddle farther, always strengthening newly controlled muscles and determined to achieve even more.

For some reason, as adults, we hold tighter to what we have achieved and need longer periods of stability before and if we progress again. Sometimes we would refuse to progress if the option were given to us. We know God wants us to become the best we can, which means continually growing, improving, and fighting our weaknesses. Yet, we fear the unknown, grow comfortable with the present, and hold tightly to what we treasure. (Wouldn’t it be better if, instead of collecting treasures, we shared ourselves?)

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. Many of us will lose our spouses, as well as dear friends. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, while possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair. We may downsize our house, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked until she was 86, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace. She doesn’t even complain now when Covid keeps her homebound, and she can no longer go to church in person.

Life will hurt us, but because of our wounds, we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Perhaps this process of letting go, if done well, makes room for God.

Being alive means we will suffer loss. But the loss will open us to new possibilities. Jesus lost his life, but by doing so, regained for us the Kingdom of God. He rose to new life so that we will, too. In that life, there will be no loss.

Blessings on you and on your week!

Betty Arrigotti.

Gratitude Attitude & Grandma’s Platitudes

When I first began writing fiction, I was told I didn’t include enough conflict in my stories. As a mother of four, I spent much of my day trying to reduce conflict. Eventually I realized that people identify with a story when the protagonists, through the trouble that comes their way, learn to face their weaknesses and grow enough to overcome their darkest moments and (ta-da!) save the day.

Real life isn’t too different from stories in that respect. It is through our hard times that we develop character. We’d rather not suffer. We’d like to avoid all pain, for ourselves and our loved ones, but we wouldn’t learn and grow without challenges.

In most of my 4 Minutes emails I give information that professionals have researched and advised, but today, I am turning to another kind of expert. Our grandparents have lived through their share of difficult times, and we can learn from their hard-won wisdom. So, I’m falling back on some of Grandma’s platitudes.

As a child when I’d complain, (okay, when I’d whiiiiine) Grandma would remind me, “Be thankful for what you have!” What is the best (and perhaps hardest) thing to do when times are very difficult? Choose a gratitude attitude.

• I may not have as much money as I want, but thank you, God, that I have enough for today. (And enough that I can share with those who have less?)
• I may feel desperately lonely, but thank you, God, for loving me always. (And for all the people who have loved me.)
• I may not be as healthy as I was, but thank you, God, that I can breathe. (If I can do more, like see/hear/walk/move, I am blessed indeed).
• I may be confused about my future, but thank you, God, that I can think. (And pray and analyze and read and make decisions.)
• I may feel stressed to the point of breaking, but thank you, God, that you know and care and want me to rest in you.

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Grandma would also say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is a little hard to take, especially when you’re the one in crisis and the person quoting it isn’t. Actually, at some point a crisis really might kill us, so this scarcely seems comforting. However, it is true that hard times force us to grow and become tougher than we were when times were easy.

I remember crying on my Grandma’s lap. As she rocked me, she would remind me, “This too shall pass.” Or she might quote one of her favorite prayers: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Neibuhr (When she learned AA uses this prayer, she was mortified to think someone might suppose she learned it there.)

Along with working to change what we can, she’d say we must “Pray as though everything depends on God and work as though everything depends on you.” Grandma had total faith in God, as well as a work ethic that kept her from waiting for an answer without doing her part. God will help us. Sometimes, rather than taking away our pain, He will give us the inner resources we need to succeed despite the pain. Or He will send us help. Are we trying to get through this time all alone? Reaching out to others may be part of “working as if everything depended on us.” Allowing someone who is not in crisis to help can be a gift to them, for they receive the blessings and joy of service.

It is especially difficult to bring calm to a situation when someone is angry with you, particularly someone you care for deeply. My Grandma used to say, “When people are the hardest to love, is when they need love the most.” (I tried to tell myself this when my daughters were mid-temper tantrum.) My first reaction to someone being angry at me is to be angry in return. Of course, that doesn’t accomplish much. Rather than the very human response of defensiveness, or worse, going on the offense, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for patience, and then remind yourself how much you love this person. Or if you aren’t feeling very loving at the moment, try to remind yourself how much God loves this person. 

Another way Grandma would counsel me to deal with critical people would be to say, “Consider the source.” She meant, is it really that important what they think? Does their life experience color their opinion? Are they the right people to rely on for judgment?

One thing we can count on—we will be given “opportunities for growth.” Life will be hard and sometimes all we can control is our reaction and our attitude. But therein lies our strength.

The final quote I leave with you is not from Grandma, but rather from God himself:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Rest in God for 15 seconds. Close your eyes. Breathe in your thanks and breathe out your fears. Then either hug or say a prayer for your grandma!

Blessings on your week.

Betty Arrigotti

PS – Other posts about “Hard Times” can be found at www.BettyArrigotti.com. See the links in the column on the right edge of the home page.

Be Not Afraid

Are you worried about our world? Our news media can bring us a daily dose of fear. I admire Mr. Rogers’ take on televised disasters. He reminds children, “Whenever bad things are happening, look around for the helpers, there are always people who are helping.”

Or is your worry closer to home: your family’s health or financial struggles? You aren’t alone.

Fear can be a good thing, a gift, when it motivates us to run from danger or inspires us to take necessary steps, like studying for a test, or saving towards retirement. Fear that immobilizes us can keep us from growth and love. Our worries and anxiety can damage our health as we create fear over things that are not important enough to waste our emotions on.

So, how do we fight our fears? Which do we face? Which do we ignore?

Let’s start first by building our trust in God now, while we aren’t facing a bear or waking up to a fire.

Our God is all-good, all-loving, and all-merciful, but our world is imperfect, and we will suffer. When we do, we need to remember what it felt like to be a child comforted on a lap in a rocking chair. Then we crawl into God’s arms to be cradled, know this too shall pass, and that we are treasured and loved beyond limits. Our trust in God, and His faithfulness, will get us through.

St. Francis de Sales said: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts.” Once we believe this, we can say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

Fears to Face

In The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker says we must face fears and act to avoid imminent danger or death. Follow your intuition or gut reaction – don’t ignore true fear! However, some fears immobilize us and keep us from growing. In fact, there are those who say we should be stretching out of our comfort zone in some way every day.

If we don’t work through our fears and face them, we stagnate in many areas:

• Physical – prolonged or frequent fear causes damage to our bodies.
• Social – if we are afraid to take risks we won’t reach out to others, build friendships, find love, or leave unhealthy relationships.
• Financial – Our careers suffer if we don’t ask for help and seek out mentors.
• Emotional – Fear keeps us from growth and prevents the joy of accomplishment and building self-confidence.
• Intellectual – Learning requires admitting incompetence, and it can be frightening to not be good at something… yet.
• Psychological – Fear grows, if we don’t face it, and can generalize into other areas or become true phobias.
• Spiritual – God wants us to connect with Him and His other children. Fear blocks connection and love. It shows a lack of trust in God.

If the danger is real, we need to determine that best way to react. Sometimes running away is a great choice. Usually though, facing our fear means we need to calm ourselves enough to think clearly. We need to assess our strengths and weaknesses, apply our strengths to the problem, and take whatever steps we need to overcome our weaknesses. Is the danger something we can lessen, or do we need help from someone else?

In Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Susan Jeffers tell us some truths to help us combat fears:

• Fear will always be present as long as we continue to grow.
• The only way to get rid of fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
• The only way to feel better about myself is to… go out and do it.
• I will experience fear when in unfamiliar territory, but so will everyone else.
• Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

Fears to Ignore

Not all fear is healthy. It can become debilitating and keep us from growing to our full potential. Most of our fears are really worries brought on by

• our own negative self-talk
• catastrophizing (I’ll just die if …)
• unwillingness to do what we should for ourselves (self-discipline)
• reluctance to ask for help when we need it (pride)

We can ask ourselves, is what we fear unlikely to occur, or not really worth the anxiety we are expending on it, even if it did occur? Does it really matter what an acquaintance thinks about what we do? Or whether a friend has more or is doing better than us at something? Or if we are occasionally embarrassed? Sometimes we turn our backs on fear by deciding the trouble is not important enough to worry about.

Worry will not bring solutions. It will more likely distract you from finding solutions. If a fear is legitimate, think it through and plan your actions accordingly. If it isn’t, let it go.

DeBecker would say, “In times of danger, follow your intuition”. Mr. Rogers would add, “There will be helpers.” And Susan Jeffers would conclude, “You can handle whatever comes.”

As a gift of meditation, follow this link to hear many artists joining in Be Not Afraid from their homes. https://www.praytellblog.com/index.php/2020/05/28/be-not-afraid/

Blessings on your week! Be not afraid!

Betty

Healthy Family

This week we concentrate on aspects of a healthy family.
First, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

• In the John Powell, S.J., timeless book, Unconditional Love: Love without Limits, he holds that unconditional love must be the basis of family life. Though we all fall short at times, loving without preconditions should be our goal—the type of love we continually strive to achieve and maintain. Unconditional love says, “No matter what, I will not reject you. I’m committed to your growth and happiness. I will always love you.”
• Powell reminds us that love is not a feeling, but rather a decision and a choice.
• Unconditional love says: I will love you; I will encourage you by helping you to be aware of your strengths, and when necessary, I will challenge you to grow.
• Sometimes unconditional love must be tough love, when truly wanting what is best for someone’s growth and happiness means not giving them what they want, but rather what is essential.
• Unconditional love is liberating. It frees the loved one to be authentic and real.

 
I think most people would agree that our children deserve unconditional love. It gets harder, though, when we turn it around. Shouldn’t we love our parents unconditionally, too? They weren’t perfect, but neither are we. And, what about our siblings? Or those family members who aren’t healthy to be around? Sadly, boundaries must sometimes be raised to protect our emotional well-being. Yet, for spiritual and emotional health, unconditional love calls us to endeavor to forgive the wrongs of the past, even if from a distance. That way, if the family member ever makes changes for the better, we will be ready to reconnect.
 
It follows that loving unconditionally requires FORGIVENESS.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt enjoins us to make a conscious decision to be a forgiver. Those who forgive benefit from

• a better immune system
• lower blood pressure
• better mental health
• lower anger, anxiety, and depression
• more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships than those unable to forgive.

 
We can’t experience complete joy if we feel either betrayed or guilty. In both cases, healing won’t be complete until we forgive and are forgiven. The two are connected. In the Our Father, Jesus teaches us to ask: Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Matthew 6:12
 
Why does Jesus tell us to forgive? Is it to add another burden to our struggle? No, He wants us to be happy, and we cannot be fully at peace when we are angry with someone and feeling a grudge. Our negativity blocks the bounty of graces that He longs to pour onto us. Bitterness cannot occupy the soul at the same time as God’s grace.

If we truly accept and appreciate and believe God forgives us, our spirits are so filled, so lightened, that we have no need of grudges. Bitterness simply won’t fit or coexist with our cleansed spirit. How can we, while knowing how good God is to forgive our mistakes and even our deliberate wrongdoing, not offer the same to others?
 
How can we forgive others?

• Decide to forgive and then refuse to dwell on the injury when it comes to mind.
• Be mindful of our own weaknesses and mistakes and God’s mercy. Ask Him to give us the grace to forgive.
• Consider the other’s challenges that affected the behavior. Was his childhood difficult? Did she have a hard day? Maybe they are struggling to do the best they can.
• Actively seek out and focus on the offender’s strengths and goodness.
• Don’t cherish a grudge. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver. Put the trouble in God’s hands, ask God to heal them, and then let go.

 
How can we ask for forgiveness?
Years ago, I copied a formula for apology from JoEllen at http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/ and I find it to be a wonderful lesson for children (and adults.)
 
An apology is most effective when we follow 4 steps and say:

1. I’m sorry for…: Be specific. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you really understand what they are upset about.
2. This is wrong because…: This might take some more thinking, but this is one of the most important parts. Until you understand why it was wrong or how it hurt someone’s feelings, it’s unlikely you will change. This is also important to show the person you hurt that you really understand how they feel. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this makes! Sometimes, people want to feel understood more than they want an apology. Sometimes just showing understanding–even without an apology–is enough to make them feel better! 
3. In the future, I will…: Use positive language, and tell them what you WILL do, not what you won’t do.
4. Will you forgive me? This is important to try to restore your friendship. Now, there is no rule that the other person must forgive you. Sometimes, they won’t. That’s their decision. Hopefully, you will all try to be the kind of friends who will forgive easily, but that’s not something you automatically get just because you apologized. But you should at least ask for it.

 
 
Third, we consider TRAITS OF A HEALTHY FAMILY
In Traits of a Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, she writes a healthy family:

1. Communicates and listens
2. Fosters table time and conversations
3. Affirms and supports one another
4. Teaches respect for others
5. Develops a sense of trust
6. Has a sense of play and humor
7. Has a balance of interaction among members
8. Shares leisure time
9. Exhibits a sense of shared responsibility
10. Teaches a sense of right and wrong
11. Has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound
12. Has a shared religious core
13. Respects the privacy of one another
14. Values service to others
15. Admits to and seeks help with problems

 
To summarize, to build strong families, we offer our family a lifetime of

• striving to love them unconditionally,
• forgiving them for their mistakes and
• asking forgiveness for our own,
• but always trying again to love, encourage, and challenge each other to be the best we each can be.

My favorite suggestion for growing a healthier family is Matthew Kelly’s concept that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. “No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.”


Happy St. Patrick’s Day next week! A bit of Irish wisdom for you: “Having somewhere to go is home, having someone to love is family, having both is a blessing.”

Sacred Marriage

In Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas, he asks, as the theme of his book, “What if God designed marriage to make us HOLY more than to make us happy?” Such a different perspective on marriage than our society holds today, and sadly, than many of us expected when we exchanged vows.

Welcome to this weekly Lenten series. In previous years I’ve summarized findings from psychology or spiritual writers about such matters as marriage, family, hard times, grandparenting, etc., in emails called “4 Minutes 4 Growth.” This year, my daughter says I’m doing a Greatest Hits Review.

This week let’s look at Marriage.

Thomas says, “The real transforming work of marriage is the twenty-four-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week commitment. This is the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ. […] Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value.”

He continues, “The first purpose of marriage—beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else—is to please God. The challenge, of course, is that it is utterly selfless living; rather than asking, “What will make me happy?” we are told that we must ask, “What will make God happy?”

As the author says, “Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation.” And so we become examples, though imperfect, of God’s constant forgiveness and effort at reconciliation.

A few points about reconciliation from the book:

• “Husbands, you are married to a fallen woman in a broken world. Wives, you are married to a sinful man in a sinful world. If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn’t matter how difficult the person is whom we are called to love; it doesn’t matter if that love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, ‘Like it or not, I’m going to love you like nobody ever has.’” (Betty here – this does not mean anyone should remain in an abusive situation. We can love from a safe distance.)
• “The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from demanding a “better” wife. […] Yes, we need a changed partner, but the partner that needs to change is not our spouse, it’s us!”
• “I don’t know how you can be unsatisfied maritally, and then offer yourself to God to bring about change in your life and suddenly find yourself more than satisfied with the same spouse. I don’t know why this works, only that it does work.”

The author continues about mistakes:

• “Falls are inevitable. We can’t control that, but we can control the direction in which we fall—toward or away from our spouse.”
• “I believe one of marriage’s primary purposes is to teach us how to forgive. This spiritual discipline provides us with the power we need to keep falling forward in the context of a sinful world.”
• “It took years for me to understand I have a Christian obligation to continually move toward my wife. I thought that as long as I didn’t attack my wife or say cruel things to her, I was a “nice” husband, but the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. To stop moving toward our spouse is to stop loving him or her. It’s holding back from the very purpose of marriage.”
• “What do we do when our spouse doesn’t want us to fall forward—when in fact, our spouse is pushing us away? The Bible provides clear guidance. The father let the prodigal son go, but love demanded that the father always be ready with open arms to “fall forward” should the son ever return (see Luke 15:11-32).”

Thomas speaks from his own perspective about the care of wives. Of course, all he says can encourage wives to treat husbands as treasures, too. (I’ve changed words to generalize) but he writes:

• “My [spouse] was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor [him or] her? In fact, shouldn’t it even give me pause before I reach out to touch [him or] her?  They are the Creator’s child, after all!”
• “The biggest challenge for me in upholding my spiritual obligation to honor my [spouse] is that I get busy and sidetracked. I don’t mean to dishonor [them]; I just absentmindedly neglect to actively honor [them.]”
• The virtues necessary in truly loving a [man or woman] and having that love returned—the virtues of listening, patience, humility, service, and faithful love—are the very virtues necessary for us to love God and to feel His love returned.”

Then he extends the idea of family and asks us to be of service to the world because,

• “When marriage becomes our primary pursuit, our delight in the relationship will be crippled by fear, possessiveness, and self-centeredness.” “But a man and woman dedicated to seeing each other grow in their maturity in Christ; who raise children who know and honor the Lord; who engage in business that supports God’s work on earth and is carried out in the context of relationships and good stewardship of both time and money—these Christians are participating in the creativity that gives a spiritually healthy soul immeasurable joy, purpose, and fulfillment.”
• “We allow marriage to point beyond itself when we accept two central missions: becoming the people God created us to be and doing the work God has given us to do. If we embrace—not just accept, but actively embrace—these two missions, we will have a full life, a rich life, a meaningful life, and a successful life. The irony is, we will probably also have a happy marriage, but that will come as a blessed by-product of putting everything else in order.”

Thomas, quoting Evelyn & James Whitehead says: “In our marriage we tell the next generation what sex and marriage and fidelity look like to Christians. We are prophets, for better and for worse, of the future of Christian marriage.”

May you show your love for God by loving your spouse well. I pray for blessings on your week.

Miriam’s Joy! Reviewed

I was delighted to read a review by Editor Ed Langlois in last week’s diocesan newspaper, Catholic Sentinel! Here are a few excerpts and the link in case you’d like to read the whole article:

Portland Catholic author Betty Arrigotti has offered a new novel in which the Blessed Virgin Mary appears in our fair city quietly to help a grieving woman. It’s a lively and fulfilling read.

Arrigotti’s depiction of Mary as a joyful Middle Easterner in headscarf satisfies both those with a longstanding devotion and those who may have been put off by a sanitized and Caucasian-ized version. Those who love Mary know she is more than a pretty statue, but a strong woman bent on doing God’s will and justice, as the Magnificat prayer indicates.

“Miriam’s Joy” has a literally explosive opening. The first sections also contain a mystery. While this reader wishes the ambiguity had been carried at least a few more chapters, Arrigotti does show admirable restraint. Mary doesn’t glow in the sky or make the evening news, but instead works kindly and firmly in the everyday life of Portlanders. That’s indeed how God and God’s partners seem to act.

It’s all told in Arrigotti’s clean and expert prose and reflects what we can presume is the author’s knowledge of life’s trials, such as losing loved ones and working out relationships. Arrigotti writes with authenticity about the human experience.

The book’s mix of spiritual and human seems just right.

Arrigotti is a skilled crafter of vignettes. In this book, she uses them to show how Mary helps connect people, which seems like just what Mary would do.

Thank you, Ed Langlois! You made my week! Hopefully a sequel novel will be available before long!

https://catholicsentinel.org/Content/Default/Catholic-Sentinel-E-Edition/Flipbook/December-17-2021/-3/390/69#18

Grandparenting Support & Summary

Behind in reading these Lenten posts? I’ll include a quick summary of highlights below. But first, a short discussion of grandparents and support.

Support

Sometimes grandparenting involves unexpected circumstances. On Monday, one of our grandchildren needed to be admitted at the hospital. That evening, her siblings came to stay with us for a couple of nights. We always love having them but had started a huge project in several rooms, so first worked to get the house ready, putting away temptations and making up beds. Then we focused on thoroughly enjoying the time we shared. The hospital stay is over, with the best of possible outcomes, and the children have gone home. What we thought might be a quick socially-distanced outdoor visit during Easter weekend turned into an extended in-home Holy Week gift of time. I think God laughs at our carefully made plans and occasionally treats us to more than we had hoped.

We were blessed to be a support system for our daughter’s family in her time of need. Her sisters became a support for us as one ran errands to help out, and another sent ideas to entertain the little ones. We all, occasionally, need to support or be supported. Letting someone help you when you need it is a gift to them. They can feel the joy of doing a good deed. Why would we deny someone the chance to be a giver? Don’t rob people of the blessing that comes from helping others.

We can be resources for other grandparents and encourage them with ideas or experiences that have worked for us. Please leave comments if you have fun grandparenting ideas or tips to overcome challenges.

Summary of Earlier Grandparenting Highlights by Week

1. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a treasure. We can love and support our grandchildren without the parental responsibility of discipline and the worry for their future. We can simply enjoy who they are now. Our hard-won wisdom and experience can be used to assist their parents, when requested.
2. Grandparenting well can be seen as a ministry, whether you pass on your faith overtly, or through your example of living your values. Let’s become the best people God created us to be, so that our grandchildren can look up to us and see someone worth emulating.
3. Challenges come with grandparenting, from distance, to changing times, to welcoming blended families. Make the effort to stay connected, to support your children in their parenting styles, and to treat all the grandchildren equitably, whether born into your family or welcomed later. Keep communication open so trouble spots can be dealt with graciously.
4. Pray for your grandchildren, pray in front of your grandchildren, and pray with your grandchildren, with your children’s permission.
5. We grandparents are the historians and storytellers for our grandchildren. We are their connection to the past. Delight them with stories of their younger years, their parents as children, and your own childhood.
6. Listen well to your grandchildren, gifting them with your full attention. Model being a forgiving person. Forgive them, their parents, and yourself. Be quick to ask for forgiveness when you are wrong.
7. Be readily willing to help your children and grandchildren. Accept assistance from them graciously. Be supportive of other grandparents.

Pope Francis recently announced the institution of World Day for Grandparents and the Elderly, which will take place each year on the fourth Sunday in July, close to the feast of Sts. Joachim and Anne, the grandparents of Jesus. Pope Francis said, “The Holy Spirit even today stirs up thoughts and words of wisdom in the elderly. The voice of the elderly is precious, because it sings the praises of God and preserves the roots of the peoples.” The Holy Father said he instituted the World Day of Grandparents and the Elderly because “grandparents are often forgotten, and we forget this wealth of preserving roots and passing on” what the elderly have received.

Blessed Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday! May we be a resurrection people. Resurrection originally meant to stand up or rise again. May we stand up for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for those who need our support. May we stand against evil. May we rise to Love!

Betty

Grandparents – Listening and Forgiveness

6. Grandparents – Listening & Forgiveness

Listening

One of the blessings of grandparenting, especially after retirement, is we have the gift of time. We are able to stop and listen to our grandchildren. It’s a wonderful experience to be heard, to have someone pause what they are doing, make eye contact, and give us their full attention. We can and should do that for everyone, but especially children. They need the connection that true listening brings. I know it is tempting to nod while they talk and carry on with what we are doing, but like we were taught to do at railroad crossings, to stop, look, and listen is a simple, yet powerful gift. You know when people aren’t giving you their full attention. So do your grandchildren. If you hope to be their confidant, really listen every time they talk to you.

Being their confidant can be complicated. Still, it is an important lesson for children to learn that talking about their problems can be the beginning of finding a solution. They may ask you not to tell their parents what they are about to say. Assure them that you will keep their words to yourself, unless someone is in danger. If what they say must be relayed to a parent, encourage them to do so, and offer to be with them when they do.

However, usually our task of listening is less serious. It’s more a matter of attending to what matters to them. And my, they do chatter so rapidly sometimes! Or two or three of them try simultaneously. If you are struggling to make clarity out of their words, it might be time to set pride aside and have your hearing tested. Or, as my children used to say, “listen faster!”

Listening to another is a true gift to them. So is forgiving.

Forgiveness

Last week our deacon talked about the myth of Redemptive Violence, our human nature’s reaction to being wronged. It feels momentarily so good to release our righteous anger and strike back, or give the silent treatment, or break off all communication. After all, they hurt us!

Yet, Jesus didn’t do that. Tortured and being slowly murdered, He said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Our loved ones, our family, hurt us, too. Sometimes over and over. But how can we ask God’s forgiveness without forgiving them?

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy–seven times.” (Matthew 18:22)

Perhaps your child has rejected your faith, or advice, or upbringing. Maybe they’ve brought you humiliation. Alternatively, perhaps you have hurt your child in the past and felt too righteous, or even too ashamed to ask for forgiveness. Either break in your connection undoubtedly affects your relationship with your grandchildren, maybe even prohibiting it.

In The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, Lorene Hanley Duquin states, “When we seek forgiveness, we admit that we were wrong, we accept responsibility for what we have done, and we learn from the experience so that we don’t make the same mistake again. When we forgive, we acknowledge that we have been hurt, but we choose to let go of anger, resentment, and negative thoughts that can harden our hearts and make us bitter. Chances are, your grandchildren are already learning powerful lessons about forgiveness—not by anything you’ve said, but by how you’ve dealt with difficult situations in your own life.” (p.116-117)

Lent is an opportunity for us to examine our consciences. Maybe it is time to forgive and be more like the loving father than the elder brother of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-32) Open your arms (and heart) and run to your loved one, either asking forgiveness or granting it.

Here are steps that help me when I’m struggling to let go of bitterness or resentment:

• Acknowledge the anger and hurt we feel, at least to ourselves. If possible, we should voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt us.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs can reopen an injury by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on wrongs. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself ruminating and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Duquin continues, “Forgiveness is not always easy. But it is always the right thing to do. It is one of the most important lessons your grandchildren will ever learn, because it is closely connected to the ability to love and be loved.” (p. 121)

One of my daughters is actively teaching her preschool children how to apologize and forgive. She overheard this conversation:

5-year-old son: I’m so, so sorry.

3-year-old daughter:  Do I forgive you?

5-year-old son: Yes. You do.

If only it were that easy, right?

But we could learn a lot from Saint (Mother) Teresa and her Humility List:

Prayers for you during Holy Week,

Betty

Grandparents – Historians and Storytellers)

“About the time Grandma Mary’s father emigrated from Croatia, Grandad Connor said goodbye to his family in Ireland.”

Why does this catch your interest? Because it sounds like the beginning of an interesting story.

Our great-grandparents—fishermen and miners—were persecuted in the “old countries” of Croatia and Ireland. They sacrificed to come to the United States to make a better life for their families. Some of them were mere teenagers when they crossed the Atlantic in ships. In this country they or their children became machinists, teachers, secretaries, and engineers.

My mother and her father had blue eyes, like most of you grandchildren. Red hair appears here and there, as well as freckles and near sightedness.

We grandparents are the historians and storytellers for our grandchildren. We are their connection to the past. Our tales offer them little pieces of their identity and wrap them in belonging. They learn what it means to become “one of us.”

Be a storyteller!

Lorene Hanley Duquin writes in her book, The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, “When you share family stories, you help your grandchildren put their lives in historical perspective. Storytelling also hones listening skills and activates a child’s imagination. Whether the stories are happy, sad, funny, or too outlandish to be true, they form an invisible web that binds the family together.”  (p. 130)

• Tell your grandchildren about what you remember about them: when they were born, walked, first talked, visited your house, or when you visited them. Children enjoy being the main character in a story. They also love hearing about things their parents did when they were children. (Careful not to embarrass their parents too much.) I keep a document of funny things each grandchild said that their parents tell me about or post to Facebook. They love to read these when they are older.
• Talk about how your childhood was different than theirs. Can they imagine your life before computers? What were your favorite toys? What did you do with your friends? Did you have roller skates, a scooter, or a bike? What pets were part of your family? What chores did you do? How was life different then?
• Take them to visit where you grew up. Show your house, school, and church.
• Make a family tree, perhaps large enough to hang on a wall. This is a great visual for children to “know their place” in the best of ways.
• Make photo albums for each child or show them old pictures of their parents.
• Help older grandchildren write a Family Who’s Who or consider writing a family history that you give them when they graduate from high school.

“Grandparents are a family’s memory,” Pope Francis says. “They are the ones who gave us the faith.” (Address, Sept. 26, 2015)(p. 132)

Teach your traditions.

Our family makes sugar cookies for Valentine’s Day and Christmas. We eat povitica, a rolled walnut bread, for holidays. When the first snow of the year arrives, we make rice pudding. We choose Lenten resolutions by Ash Wednesday, play Pictionary on Thanksgiving, and put our shoes out for St. Nicholas Day. We have a tradition of dads taking their daughters on first dates when they are 12.

“Traditions bind family members together and instill a sense of belonging. Children learn important lessons from family traditions—about personal values, social behaviors, and communication skills.” (p. 124) They help a child feel secure within the family. Even if there are disagreements, they sense the love that unites them all.

Share holiday preparations with them. Teach them how to bake family favorites. Pass on your skills, whether knitting, sewing, wood carving, mechanics, playing a musical instrument, or building model cars. I still fondly remember an elderly neighbor patiently teaching me lace tatting when I was about ten. Grandpa taught me the names of tools so I could hand him the right one. Grandma was my go-to cooking resource.

Traditions can change over time. Don’t be too worried if things aren’t done quite the way they used to be. Flexibility allows the important facets of traditions to remain. As our children’s children grow, perhaps where the tradition takes place shifts from your home to theirs. Be open to new traditions as circumstances require. Maybe you have the family every other year for Christmas in order for them to celebrate with their spouses’ families. Maybe your Christmas is celebrated at Thanksgiving. The most important part of traditions is the relationships that you are building.

Pope Francis reminds us, “The true joy which we experience in the family is not superficial; it does not come from material objects, from the fact that everything seems to be going well…. True joy comes from a profound harmony between persons, something which we all feel in our hearts and which makes us experience the beauty of togetherness of mutual support along life’s journey. But the basis of this feeling of deep joy is the presence of God, the presence of God in the family and his love which is welcoming, merciful, and respectful towards all. (Homily, Oct 27, 2013) (p .128)

To conclude, a Grandparent Prayer:

“Lord, give me the wisdom to see the goodness in my family history, the patience to preserve our family memories, the understanding of how to pass this heritage on to my children, and the joy of knowing that your love binds all of this together. Amen.” (p. 134)

Blessings on your week! Only two left in Lent.

Betty

PS – As for my storytelling, I have it on good authority:

Grandparents Praying

Pray for your own grandparenting.

We want to model the best attributes for our grandchildren. In the New Testament, Paul suggests older people be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, sound in faith, love, and endurance, reverent in the way they live, and teachers of what is good. (Titus 2:2-5) Not bad advice for any of us.

We can pray for physical strength to be good helpers, and spiritual strength to grow closer in our relationship with God. Ask for the Fruits of the Holy Spirit: charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, forbearance, gentleness, faith, modesty, self-control, and chastity, as well as the Gifts of the Spirit: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.

I think Joy is one of the best fruits for making our faith be attractive to those little ones (or not so little) looking up to us as role models. And when we are caretakers and feeling not as young as we used to, Patience is at the top of my list of requests.

Pray for your grandchildren.

• There are so many ways to pray for our loved ones. We talked earlier about going beyond asking God to keep them safe. We can and should ask God to guide them to grow closer to Him.
  • Place them in God’s care, perhaps through prayers to Jesus as the Infant of Prague. Looking at a statue of Jesus as a child reminds us that He experienced what they do and treasures them tenderly.
  • Mary, Jesus’ mother, is also their mother. Ask her intercession and know she loves them dearly.
  • When you are beyond being able to pray, try to breathe in God’s love and breathe out your fears.¹
  • Some grandparents keep a Prayer Journal or simply a page for each grandchild where they can write intentions specific to that child and record the ways those prayers have been answered.²
  • If older grandchildren have their own phones, send a text message occasionally saying that you are praying for them. Include specifics if they are facing a challenge. “Prayers that your final exams go well today.”

Pray in front of your grandchildren.

• Many of us find praying to be a very private thing, but our children and grandchildren need to see and hear us pray.
  • Many families pray a Rosary together before bed, or a decade of the Rosary if children are very small. Mary has promised the daily praying of the Rosary will bring grace, protection, armor against evil, flourishing of good works, God’s mercy, and a holy death.
  • Blessings before and after meals remind us that all we have is from God’s providence.
  • Going to church with your grandchildren can be a celebration beyond their normal attendance with their parents. Having you with them makes it even more special. Let them see how important the practice of your faith is to you.
  • Read the Bible and let them understand that God’s Word speaks to you.

Pray with your grandchildren.

An easy place to start with little ones is Pope Francis’ 5-Finger Prayer:

1.) The thumb is the closest finger to you. So start praying for those who are closest to you. They are the persons easiest to remember. To pray for our dear ones is a “Sweet Obligation.”
2.) The index finger is next. Pray for those who teach you, instruct you, and heal you. They need the support and wisdom to show direction to others. Always keep them in your prayers.
3.) The tallest finger reminds us of our leaders, the governors and those who have authority. They need God’s guidance.
4.) The fourth finger is the ring finger. Even though it may surprise you, it is our weakest finger. It should remind us to pray for the weakest, the sick, or those plagued by problems. They need your prayers.
5.) And finally, we have our smallest finger, the smallest of all. Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. When you are done praying for the other four groups, you will be able to see your own needs but in the proper perspective, and also you will be able to pray for your own needs in a better way.¹

Other ways to pray with your grandchildren:

• Before meals and bed, ask what they’d like to pray about. This is a wonderful time to hear about your grandchild’s concerns. Our family goes around the table at dinner and each person states a simple prayer request or something that makes them grateful.
• When you hear sirens, immediately ask aloud that God protect and help the person in need.
• Bless them before they leave. A quick prayer with your hand on their head or shoulder makes everyone feel special. “God, bless this child that you and I love dearly.”
• Sing children’s faith songs with your grandchildren. “Jesus loves me, this I know…” Give CDs or downloads to older grandchildren. Many inspirational groups make recordings of music that teens and young adults can enjoy.
• Help your younger grandchildren to memorize basic prayers and Bible verses but also…
• Teach them to talk to God just like we talk to each other.

Wednesday as I prepared to write this post, the readings for the day included an exhortation from Moses after he led his people out of Egypt amid miracles and wonders:

“However, take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and your children’s children.” (Deuteronomy 4:9)³

That quote and its timing felt like a personal nod from God. What little miracles or wonders have you experienced and could tell your grandchildren about?

If any suggestion above intrigued you, try that one today! See how the Spirit leads you to pray.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

Sources:

• ¹The Catholic Grandparents Handbook by Lorene Hanley Duquin
• ²Grandparenting with Grace by Larry E. McCall
• ³New American Bible (Revised Edition)