Grandparenting with Grace: A Special Role

Ready to spend an easy 4 minutes weekly towards growth? This Lent’s topic is grandparenting, which is a bit more focused than some other years. It might seem irrelevant to people who aren’t grandparents yet, but we all had grandparents, and we all can be grandparent-like to other children. How did you feel about your grandparents? Loved them? Barely knew them? Are you blessed enough that they are still in this life? If you are in the throes of parenting now, how would you like your parents to grandparent your children? What do you wish they knew or would do? Or not do? It might make a very interesting, productive conversation.

I hope you hold fond memories of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother could be funny but also reserved and wise. I still find her adages coming out of my mouth 20 years after she passed. My grandfather was playful, cautious, and dedicated to his family. My heart warms each time I think of standing on his feet while we danced when I was very little.

Perhaps you don’t have memories of some of your grandparents, but stories about them were part of your upbringing. I was told I took after my grandmother’s mother, and that made me feel proud, for I knew my grandmother admired her. Other greats- and grandparents brought their faith to this country amid difficult trials and that made me value my faith all the more. Our parents’ parents are an integral part of us.

According to The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, by Lorene Hanley Duquin, grandparents serve different roles in different families, from preserver of family legacy, to mentor, teacher, nurturer, role model, and even playmate. The relationship is a treasure, and grandparents hold a special place in the hearts of their grandchildren. Unlike parents, grandparents don’t have to focus on expectations of the life the child will lead in the future. They can focus on who the child is right now and how wonderful he or she already is! And isn’t that part of the joy of grandparenting? We don’t in most cases have the responsibility that parents do to challenge their children to be the best they can be. As grandparents, we get to always be their cheerleaders and encouragers while reminding them that they are perfectly lovable just the way they are.

They need us. Yes, in every child’s experience there are times when they haven’t pleased their parents, or when the responsibility to discipline means the child isn’t very happy with their parents. At these times grandparents are a safe haven where they know they are always loved, no matter what they do. If grandchildren feel their grandparents’ unconditional love, they can flourish and will remember us warmly.

And we need them. According to psychologist Erik Erikson, each stage of our lives has a lesson for us to master if we want to continue to mature well. The age span between 40-65, when most people become grandparents for the first time, is a period for us to share our knowledge with others create something that will last beyond us—a time of generativity, as opposed to stagnation. We have a need to make the world a better place in some way. So, grandchildren can be a source of generativity for us as we “pass on” our faith, wisdom, love, and understanding. What better way to make the world a better place than helping to form a generation who learns something from us that endures?

What legacy will we leave to our grandchildren? I hope mine will remember I loved them unconditionally and taught them something spiritual or wise. Perhaps my words will come to their lips unbidden.

One of the hardest parts of this time of quarantine, for me and many others, has been our isolation from our grandchildren. I miss our hugs, setting little ones on my lap, or cuddling up to read a story. We’ve come to appreciate how very important our relationship is, now that health dangers keep us apart. So, while we avoid the hugs and snuggles we long for and wait for our vaccines, we have time to ask ourselves, “What type of grandparents do we want to be?”

I’ve found that a movement has begun sporadically across our nation as churches begin to see that grandparenting as a ministry could use more attention. Parishes might have marriage classes, parenting speakers, education for children and teens, and maybe even social gatherings for senior groups, but little to this point for the ministry of grandparenting. And from what I hear, we could use some support, especially as we struggle to know how to handle such challenges as:

So, let’s spend the next few weeks thinking about grandparenting and how to make the most of it. We can review some pitfalls to avoid, and perhaps offer ideas to enhance what we are already doing. We can open the conversation with our friends and see what we can learn.

Wisdom nugget: “One of the best things you can do for your grandchildren is to love their parents!” Larry E McCall

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage
• Where Hope Leads (Premarriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family Secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing Up to Evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary Visits Us)

• By Larry Perkins, February 20, 2021 @ 9:05 pm

  You have picked a good and timely topic — as per usual!

  Larry McCall is correct; loving your Grandchildren’s Parents is quite important — perhaps, second only to respecting them.

  What do I mean by that? Well most of us, as Parents [of Parents], struggle with PBS (Powdered Butt Syndrome). That is, “I changed your diapers and Powdered your Butt when you were a baby; so, try as I might, I have a hard time thinking of you as a mature, competent Adult. The idea that you might be as good a parent as I am seems incomprehensible.” Showing your Grandchildren love — even when they are “on the outs” with their Parents is a good thing; expressing that love by letting them tank up on your homemade cookies before dinner in contravention of their Parents’ wishes, not so much. By taking those sorts of actions, you show disrespect to your Grandchild’s their Parents. Worse, you model that disrespect to your Grandchildren.

  Some Grandparents take this even farther. When disrespect of their Grandchildren’s Parents creates a rift in the Family, they go an extra step and blame the Parents’ “Poor Parenting Style” for creating the problems. My advice is simple: Don’t be THAT Grandparent.

  Does “showing respect” mean you are to keep mum and not provide any voluntary input to the raising of your Grandchildren? Certainly not! Just be sure any such input is provided in a Respectful manner. Further, keep in mind that there may be other Grandparents — from the other side(s) of your Grandchildren’s Family — who are also providing input. Their “pearls of wisdom” might not always agree with yours; be sympathetic to the Parents of your Grandchildren who have to navigate through the minefield generated by conflicting advice from beloved Extended Family.

  [Anecdote: By the time our boys got to the toddling stage, we had some very strict rules they were expected to follow. There weren’t a lot of rules — they basically boiled down to “Nothing goes in your mouth w/o Parental Permission”; “don’t touch electrical cords or outlets”; and, “don’t touch anything specifically pointed out as a ‘No Touch’ item.” These simple but strict rules were the keys that let us take our kids most anywhere with us including non-kid-friendly environments. We allowed no “give” to these rules. My Mother, as our Children’s Grandmother, did not like these rules — and she told us so… BUT, when she complained about them, she never did it in front of the kids and, especially when talking to my Bride, she always ended with, “…however, when they stay with me, I will see they follow your rules. I may not agree with all your edicts, but I don’t see that any of them are hurting the kids. So, the kids need to follow your rules, even when visiting with me, because they are your rules — and I can respect that.”]

  That’s my $0.02 worth…
  (And that’s Inflation!)

  Respectfully Submitted,
  — YFLP —

• By Betty, February 21, 2021 @ 4:48 pm

  Well said, Larry. I definitely agree.

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