Aging with Forgiveness

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Whenever we look back on our lives, and forward to how we’d like them to grow, we are likely to realize we need to forgive in order to continue to age gracefully. Maybe we need to let go of a past hurt. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves… or maybe God. No one who is holding a grudge or heavy guilt will age with grace.

First, we will look at forgiving others, then below consider how to forgive ourselves.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt offers suggestions to help us discover whom we need to forgive and seven steps to assist in our journey of forgiveness.

1. Remember your own need for forgiveness.
2. Pick one thing you know you ought to forgive.
3. Ask God to saturate you with his grace to help you forgive.
4. If possible, engage the offender in direct, open, honest communication. Don’t accuse, focus on how you feel. Say, “I forgive you.” (Do this in your imagination if the person isn’t available.)
5. Follow your words with some act of reconciliation—perhaps a hug, handshake, or meal together.
6. To prevent the same hurts from occurring again, keep your lines of communication open, with clear, healthy boundaries and guidelines for your relationship.
7. Learn to forgive the small things—with friends, family, or coworkers. Be a person of grace. Don’t dwell on the hurts. Recognize you are still prone to mistakes as you become the-best-version-of-yourself, just as others are.

Forgiving others is a process, not usually a one-time decision. We will possibly fail, but then can try again. Here are a few practices that help me personally:

• Acknowledge to yourself the anger and hurt you feel. If possible, voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt you.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs make their sores larger by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on them. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Letting Go of Guilt – Forgiving Ourselves

Fr. Peter Siamoo, a priest from Tanzania who studied and worked here in Portland, wrote a book called Restore Your Inner Peace: Personal Healing from Within. In Fr. Peter’s work as a counselor in hospitals and prisons, he found the inability to forgive oneself to be both prevalent and destructive. Perhaps we too have trouble letting go of our mistakes, weaknesses, and past sinfulness. Don’t we, in this study of Aging with Grace, also need to forgive ourselves?

He recommends steps:

1. Acknowledge what you’ve done.
2. Talk about it with a safe person, possibly a good friend, minister, or therapist.
3. Learn from it in order to grow and not repeat the mistake.
4. Make peace with it, not to justify the mistake but to become a wounded healer.
5. Ask for and accept forgiveness from God, who is loving and who readily forgives our transgressions when we sincerely ask for it.
6. Forgive yourself, remembering to love your neighbor as (well as) yourself.

Forgiving ourselves after a mistake is:

• An act of appreciation for God’s love and forgiveness.
• Self-love that restores our inner freedom and peace.
• A choice we make to acknowledge and accept God’s mercy and choose to treat ourselves better than what we think we deserve.
• Worth doing because we deserve a better life than carrying guilt around.
• A way of imitating God who has forgiven us, and
• Important to our being happy.
• Make amends to repair the damage and restore the relationship.

From this week on, let’s love ourselves enough to forgive ourselves… and others!

Blessings on your Lent! We’ve passed halfway!

Aging Without Fear

Max Lucado has published a little booklet called, “Imagine Your Life Without Fear.”

Of course, fear is good if it steers us away from danger. But more often, it can freeze us into inaction, keep us from helping others, or lead us to strike out in what we think is self-defense. Perhaps most of us live our lives marked with fear. The “what ifs” eat away at our peace and are another barrier to living with grace and so, aging with grace.

For some years now, I have been trying to remind myself of the Bible verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I even titled my first published book, “Hope and a Future.” God promises us that our future will be bright, and He will be with us. Still, we fear.

Fear takes on many appearances as we pass through life’s stages.

• Fear of loneliness: Will I find someone who will love me for my lifetime?
• Fear for our children: Are they safe? Are they loving and feeling loved?
• Fear for our livelihood: Will I be able to get/keep a job? Will I be able to provide for those who depend on me? Will my money last through my retirement?
• Fear of aging: Will I become too frail? Will I lose my memory? Will I cause my family too much anguish?
• Fear of dying: Will there be great pain? Will I be well-remembered? Will I go to heaven?

Yet, God commanded Joshua as he led his people across the Jordan to the promised land (and He continues to command us): “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Max Lucado reminds us, Jesus tells us again and again not to fear:

• When we worry that we aren’t worth God’s love: “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. (Matt. 10:31)
• When we worry about finances: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25)
• When we fear God: “But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt 14:27)
• When our fear freezes us: “But Jesus came and touched them. ‘Get up,’ he said. ‘Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt. 17:7)
• When our fear makes us overuse substances to find calm: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Tim 1:7)
• When we fear global turmoil: “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come”. (Matt 24:6)
• When we fear death or the afterlife: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

(All Bible quotes from the New International Version)

Max Lucado invites us to imagine one day with absolutely no fear. What courageous step would we take?

Once, 16 years ago, a priest asked our congregation to ponder what we would do if we had no fear. What do we suspect we should be doing, but fear keeps us from starting? My answer was to begin to write these Lenten emails. If I had no fear, I might offer some form of this in person. I haven’t made it that far, yet, but we take small steps forward and God honors our effort. What would you do if fear didn’t keep you from acting?

Another great book title was, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. We won’t get rid of all fear, but we can step out bravely anyway, trusting that God is at our side. Let’s face down our fears and watch them decrease as we act with courage.

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

1. Fear will always be present if we continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about ourselves is to… go out and do it.
4. Not only are we going to experience fear whenever we are on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

St. Francis de Sales said: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts.” Once we believe this, we can say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

If this post on fear has encouraged you, read more ways to fight fear by clicking on “Fear” in the right-hand column under 4 Minutes 4 Growth.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)

Grandparenting with Grace: A Special Role

Ready to spend an easy 4 minutes weekly towards growth? This Lent’s topic is grandparenting, which is a bit more focused than some other years. It might seem irrelevant to people who aren’t grandparents yet, but we all had grandparents, and we all can be grandparent-like to other children. How did you feel about your grandparents? Loved them? Barely knew them? Are you blessed enough that they are still in this life? If you are in the throes of parenting now, how would you like your parents to grandparent your children? What do you wish they knew or would do? Or not do? It might make a very interesting, productive conversation.

I hope you hold fond memories of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother could be funny but also reserved and wise. I still find her adages coming out of my mouth 20 years after she passed. My grandfather was playful, cautious, and dedicated to his family. My heart warms each time I think of standing on his feet while we danced when I was very little.

Perhaps you don’t have memories of some of your grandparents, but stories about them were part of your upbringing. I was told I took after my grandmother’s mother, and that made me feel proud, for I knew my grandmother admired her. Other greats- and grandparents brought their faith to this country amid difficult trials and that made me value my faith all the more. Our parents’ parents are an integral part of us.

According to The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, by Lorene Hanley Duquin, grandparents serve different roles in different families, from preserver of family legacy, to mentor, teacher, nurturer, role model, and even playmate. The relationship is a treasure, and grandparents hold a special place in the hearts of their grandchildren. Unlike parents, grandparents don’t have to focus on expectations of the life the child will lead in the future. They can focus on who the child is right now and how wonderful he or she already is! And isn’t that part of the joy of grandparenting? We don’t in most cases have the responsibility that parents do to challenge their children to be the best they can be. As grandparents, we get to always be their cheerleaders and encouragers while reminding them that they are perfectly lovable just the way they are.

They need us. Yes, in every child’s experience there are times when they haven’t pleased their parents, or when the responsibility to discipline means the child isn’t very happy with their parents. At these times grandparents are a safe haven where they know they are always loved, no matter what they do. If grandchildren feel their grandparents’ unconditional love, they can flourish and will remember us warmly.

And we need them. According to psychologist Erik Erikson, each stage of our lives has a lesson for us to master if we want to continue to mature well. The age span between 40-65, when most people become grandparents for the first time, is a period for us to share our knowledge with others create something that will last beyond us—a time of generativity, as opposed to stagnation. We have a need to make the world a better place in some way. So, grandchildren can be a source of generativity for us as we “pass on” our faith, wisdom, love, and understanding. What better way to make the world a better place than helping to form a generation who learns something from us that endures?

What legacy will we leave to our grandchildren? I hope mine will remember I loved them unconditionally and taught them something spiritual or wise. Perhaps my words will come to their lips unbidden.

One of the hardest parts of this time of quarantine, for me and many others, has been our isolation from our grandchildren. I miss our hugs, setting little ones on my lap, or cuddling up to read a story. We’ve come to appreciate how very important our relationship is, now that health dangers keep us apart. So, while we avoid the hugs and snuggles we long for and wait for our vaccines, we have time to ask ourselves, “What type of grandparents do we want to be?”

I’ve found that a movement has begun sporadically across our nation as churches begin to see that grandparenting as a ministry could use more attention. Parishes might have marriage classes, parenting speakers, education for children and teens, and maybe even social gatherings for senior groups, but little to this point for the ministry of grandparenting. And from what I hear, we could use some support, especially as we struggle to know how to handle such challenges as:

So, let’s spend the next few weeks thinking about grandparenting and how to make the most of it. We can review some pitfalls to avoid, and perhaps offer ideas to enhance what we are already doing. We can open the conversation with our friends and see what we can learn.

Wisdom nugget: “One of the best things you can do for your grandchildren is to love their parents!” Larry E McCall

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage
• Where Hope Leads (Premarriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family Secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing Up to Evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary Visits Us)

Best Self/Anti Self

Best Self/Anti Self

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Growth!

This week we will switch over to our second author, Mike Bayer in Best Self: Be You, Only Better. He and Matthew Kelly have many ideas in common, but Bayer comes at self-improvement from a different angle. He starts by reminding us that we are each unique, and not only is that good, it is wonderful! Only we have the genes, experiences, and personality that come together to prepare us for our own contribution to this world. “Even when you don’t feel like you are anywhere near good enough, you are enough because of one simple truth… you are you! The only one.”

Bayer’s Best Self Model will take the reader through different spheres where improvement might help us to be our best self:

1. Social life
2. Personal life
3. Health
4. Education
5. Relationships
6. Employment
7. Spiritual development life

Though we are unique, we have some traits in common when we are operating out of our Best Self:

• We use a kind inner voice.Our self-talk is not critical.
• We are universally fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free.

To begin defining our Best Self, Bayer recommends we write down a list of every quality we possess, such as compassion, patience, enthusiasm, courage, or honor. Write whatever traits you are proud to feel are part of you. His book lists over 200 possibilities! He goes on to ask us to name a character that represents our best self, and even draw that character so we have a very visual image when we need to call our Best Self forward. I came up with Lassie. When I’m at my best I’m an intelligent, calm shepherd, who watches over others to keep them safe and help them thrive.

We are encouraged to keep this character in mind when we need to coach ourselves to better actions, remembering those traits we listed above and our universal ability to tap into being fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free. Reminding ourselves of all the things we are grateful for keeps us attuned to our Best Self and is a wonderful exercise whenever we begin to feel low. Have a gratitude attitude. Keep a gratitude journal.

Next, Bayer suggests we look at our dark side and list our traits that bring us and others down. What are the less-than-ideal behaviors we fall into when we are less than our best—when we are tired or sad, frightened or irritated? I know I’m quicker to anger, more impatient, and can be broody, even while feeling quite self-righteous. We should find a character that we draw and name for this “Anti-Self.” Mine is Chicken Little, who runs around announcing the sky is falling and then hides, all the while grumbling about everyone else.

When you have a good visual of your Anti-Self as well as your Best Self, the next time you are tempted to let your Chicken Little be in charge you (and I) can choose instead to put your Best Self, your version of my Lassie, in charge. The more often you make that decision, the more automatic it will become. And when life shifts, as life tends to do, rethink this exercise so that any new Anti-Self can be quickly recognized and overcome by your always growing Best Self.

In order to function more often from your better side, commit to approaching life with these “tenets of change”:

• Curiosity – keep learning about yourself and our world
• Honesty – doing the right thing, pursuing integrity
• Openness – being teachable, new concepts will lead to more success
• Willingness – put action into your new thinking
• Focus – staying on track, keeping your eye on the prize

Start to recognize what really recharges your energy (or Bayer says, recharges your authenticity battery). What do you do that makes you feel truly alive, or what activity makes you so focused that time flies by? How often do you get to do that?

And finally, how ready for change are you? Bayer cites the Transtheoretical Model which lists stages of change:

• Precontemplation – No intention or sense of need to change current behavior
• Contemplation – Aware that you need change, but no intention yet
• Preparation – Aware you need change, believe capable, intent on taking action
• Action – Actively modifying behavior toward improvement
• Maintenance – Sustaining your changed behavior; new actions replaced the old

Where are you in that list? What can you do to move toward action? Sometimes we need serious consequences or emotional, physical, or spiritual pain to force us into change. A heart attack may finally lead us to eat healthy. A spouse leaving can make us realize we must stop drinking. A failed exam can help us find the motivation to study. It’s much better to change ourselves before we hit such depths, but human nature tends to resist change. That’s sad, because positive change makes us feel so much better about ourselves! Move into the Action phase as quickly as possible and move toward happiness!

Next week we will look at obstacles that get in the way. In the meantime, have a wonderful week!

Our Mission

Last week we talked about finding what you love, living what you believe, and using self-discipline to achieve our goals. If you are struggling to make progress, it might help to write your goal on a note you can see several times a day.

This week we will look at three more of Matthew Kelly’s lessons toward a better self, from his book Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You. We are hearing more and more about decluttering lately. Marie Kondo is helping people declutter with her book and her Netflix series. Our pastor is focusing on decluttering spiritually during Lent. Simplifying our lives makes room for growth and has been recommended by many great spiritual guides. In today’s society, few people live simple lives. More and more, complication seems to be the norm. But is that what we want?

Our purpose is to be the best-version-of ourselves, the person God created us to be.

In order to do that, we will need to focus on our values, on what is most important to us. We must simplify our lives enough to be able to spend some time in silence and solitude. We need to say no to requests that steal our time and overcrowd our lives. Kelly reminds us, “You have to find your place in the grand scheme of life, but you will not find it by busying yourself with a million things that were not intended for you.” If someone asks you to do something, take time to answer. Ask yourself what your motives would be for doing what they ask, and whether it is the best use of your time. Would the activity make you a better version of yourself? Or help others to be the best versions of themselves?

Once we make time to think and pray, we can analyze what our true motives are, and what we would like them to be. What makes us do what we do? Is it fear? Maybe the fear of not pleasing everyone? Wouldn’t we rather make decisions based on strength and faith? With choices made based on doing the right thing, clarity will follow, and decisions will be much easier.

More ideas for simplifying:

• Learn to enjoy things without having to own (and then take care of) them.
• Unplug your television for a week. Or a month. Read more. Talk to people more. Evaluate TV’s effect before you plug back in. Take control of its influence on your family.
• Seek happiness through contributing to the lives of others, rather than through things. Things only have value if they make us better people, or help others reach their potential.
• Simplifying your outer life brings clarity to your inner life.

Once you have more clarity, you can ask, what is my mission? What am I called to contribute to this world? Write down everything that comes to mind, large and small, from contributing to your family to an area of creativity that brings good to others. Our mission is driven by the needs of others and our need to serve; it is “a meeting between self and service.” It is where “our talents and passions collide with the needs of others and the world.” Frederick Buechner writes our mission is “the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.” It is to do… what we can, where we can, right now, to make the world better.

How do we find our mission? Kelly asserts, “By using the moments of each day to become the best-version-of-ourselves, by doing all the good things we feel inspired to do where we are right now, by investigating and developing our unique talents and deepest desires, and by listening to the voice of God in our lives.” No small order, but we only need to take baby steps. Now. The Holy Spirit leads us step-by-step, but only as we take each step.

“The greatest shift in most of our lives will take place when we decide to make ourselves radically available to serve.”

I liked this sentence in Kelly’s book: “Every time we encounter a person, we should give them a gift.” Whether it is a word of encouragement, or simply our focused attention and a smile, we can remind ourselves we are here to serve. Yet, to be most effective, we must balance service with our own needs, be they physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual.

We mustn’t let our fears and worries detract from our service. Kelly reminds us, “We are afraid because we don’t know how things are going to work out, but things are going to work out.” Look back on the things you have worried about. Didn’t they work out? Every problem that comes into our lives can teach us a lesson, strengthen a virtue, and build our character. We need to increase our faith that “God loves us, will provide for us, and most of all, that he has saved us.”

Turn to silence and solitude. God speaks to us there. He shows us where the good is in difficult situations. He leads us to “patiently seek the good in everyone and everything.” Look for what you agree on within an argument, before tackling where you differ in opinion. Seek the good in others, and also in yourself.

In summary, the final steps in Kelly’s book are:

• Simplify
• Focus on what you are here to give
• Patiently seek the good in everyone and everything

Next week we will begin to study Best Self, by Mike Bayer. In the meantime, let’s try each day to do one good thing that we don’t want to do.

Your Best Self

Welcome back! Did you think about what change would make the best difference in your life? It’s fine if you don’t know. We can figure it out over the next few weeks.

Matthew Kelly, in Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, writes that generally speaking, in the 1950s, people worked in order to support their families. By the 1980s, people wanted to make as much money as possible, no matter how hard and long they had to work. The 1990s found people wanting more leisure time. Now, the newest generation entering the workforce wants to have work that they see as meaningful so they find fulfillment through the work they do. Kelly asserts, “The primary meaning, purpose, and value of work is that when we work hard and well, when we pay attention to the details of our work, we develop character and virtue. When we work, we gain the opportunity to partner with God.” He adds, “Happiness is found in doing things that we can take pride in doing well and hence can enjoy doing.

Therefore, if we want to grow in virtue, which increases our happiness, we should work whole-heartedly at the job we have. We shouldn’t ask, “What do I want to be when I grow up,” but rather, “Who is God inviting me to become?” We should then take steps, even if baby steps, today, toward finding our passion. What might those baby steps be? Write a list of all your passions. Celebrate them, large and small. Where is your dream in that list? What do you need to do to move from your current life to your dream? It may take time to find what you love to do but start doing what you love in small ways now.

Kelly says, “Life is about love. What do you love doing? Do it. What do you love being? Be it. What do you love having? Have it and share it. Who do you love loving? Love them.” If financial obstacles keep you from doing what you love, what are you willing to sacrifice? And if your passion may not pay the bills, then make space in your life to pursue it through your hobbies, or as a small part-time business, or as a volunteer. Overcome your fears. “Find what you love and do it.”

Next, live what you believe. Be content with what you are today, but let’s never stop striving to improve ourselves for tomorrow. Begin to listen to the small voice that guides you toward your best, whether you call it conscience, or God, or wisdom. It will lead you toward what is “good, true, noble, and beautiful.” Act on what you believe. Stop doing what you know you should stop. Start doing what you know you should do. Don’t be so busy that fatigue or stress keep you from following your beliefs.

This decision to become—or act from—your best self requires self-discipline. Kelly says you can’t be happy without discipline. “In fact, if you want to measure the level of happiness in your life, measure your level of discipline.” In 2013, Time Magazine quoted a study published in the Journal of Personality asserting that self-disciplined people are happier than those who aren’t. They found a connection between our levels of self-control and our levels of life satisfaction. The authors write that “one interpretation of this finding is that people use self-control to set up their lives so as to avoid problems.”

Kelly cautions, “The body has a voice for a reason: to alert us to hunger, thirst, heat, cold, and danger. But when we overindulge the body, this voice becomes the voice of craving rather than the voice of need. […] The body is like money, a horrible master but an excellent servant. […] The greatest dictator of the twenty-first century is the body. We do whatever it tells us to do, whenever it tells us to do it. […] Self-mastery is the only alternative to the enslavement of self.” In short, we must control our impulses if we wish to be happier. One method Kelly recommends to regain mastery of ourselves is to practice fasting, or denying ourselves in small ways “so that we can regain the self-mastery that makes us free and take control once more of our temperament, appetites, and impulses.” Beyond simply fasting from food, we can fast from shopping, criticism, complaining, etc. At each meal we can choose to forego something, such as the largest serving, seconds, or dessert. Throughout the day we can fast from gossip, or a nap, or a television program.

Little acts of self-denial allow us to be free from those indulgences that enslave us.

So, according to Kelly’s chapters, our next steps toward happiness are:

1. Find what you love and do it
2. Live what you believe
3. Be disciplined

These are both simple and very complex recommendations. What can we do this week in each area? For me, I’ll be disciplined about writing more, despite all the family distractions. What about you?

5 Love Languages

Would you rather receive a love letter, be taken on a date, be given a gift, relax into a warm embrace, or have your beloved make you dinner?

Gary Chapman, in now classic The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we may run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

The Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.
2. Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones, focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive when the beloved offers self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen. Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.
3. Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.
4. Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through gifts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made. You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully!
5. Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are treasured. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

Chapman encourages us to show our love to our spouse in the language they prefer. I suggest we learn to use all 5 whenever possible. If you are better at some than others, try to grow in your weak areas, while not giving up on your strengths.

May your love become multi-lingual and take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit –

How does God show us love? He gave us a book of love letters. He embraced the leper and the child. He emphasized the importance of gratitude. He speaks to us in a still, calm voice. And, as his ultimate act of service, he died for us.

Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Prayer, service to his children, rocking an infant, gifts to the poor, time just focused on him? Try a new one!

Polarize or Grow?

Did you manage some carefree timelessness with your spouse this week? Go ahead and count what you did with your Valentine. And keep trying!

Today we will turn our attention to some of the writings of David Schnarch, from his book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships.

Do opposites attract?

When we first fell in love, didn’t our beloved seem exactly like us? We shared the same values, ideals, and hopes for the future. We found ourselves in agreement on nearly everything. We felt perfect for each other!

Have our honeymoon, rose-colored glasses dimmed a bit since then?

Schnarch would say we are perfect for each other, not because we’re the same, but precisely because our differences are so complementary. We tend to find life partners whose strengths complement our weaknesses and vice versa. For instance, where one of us feels comfortable with relating emotionally, the other focuses on the intellectual. One may be an extravert while the other is an introvert, or value logic while the first loves creativity.

Like a crucible that holds molten metal as it is refined, our marriages support us while we are forged into better people. Ideally, the Marriage Crucible of everyday struggles helps us learn from each other and grow in our weak areas. We’ll become well-rounded and more whole by adding the other’s perspective to our own.

Sadly, in most cases, we miss that opportunity. The husband sees his spouse excel at the nitty-gritty of finances, so he lets her take over those responsibilities. Or the wife sees him as a spiritual leader, so she focuses on the role of worldly thinker. One’s nurturing instincts are strong, so the other expects her or him to become the primary caretaker of the children.

We tend to polarize into more extreme versions of ourselves, and we lose admiration for our spouses’ differences. We begin to feel our strengths are more important than theirs. The logical thinker relinquishes desire to be creative and is irritated by the spouse’s “flightiness” or “immaturity.” Meanwhile, the creative spouse begins to see the logical spouse as boring or restrictive. I’m remembering Harold Higgins in My Fair Lady singing Lerner’s lyrics, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

Held in the confines of a committed relationship, resistance to growth can worsen until it feels intolerable. The irritation of daily interactions will force us to make a choice. We can give up and move on, looking for a relationship with someone new who is “just like us,” or we can tough it out and choose to round out our abilities, to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zones, while we are supported by our spouse and by our commitment to our marriage.

I know a couple with a newly retired husband, but the wife is still working. He, bless him, has taken over all that she used to do: cleaning, shopping, laundry, and cooking. When she comes home tired from work, dinner is ready. That wise couple is growing strong and flexible within the Marriage Crucible, and no doubt, he has gained great respect for all she previously accomplished. I hear she will retire later this year. I bet she will return the favor and take on many of his tasks.

In another book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak describes traits of the happiest couples, those in what he calls a Spiritual Peer Marriage. Both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life, and they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take the other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.

I believe if we aren’t growing, we are stagnating. If we aren’t becoming closer, we’re moving apart. But a marriage where both partners stretch to learn and develop remains fresh and exciting. Will we settle for less?

What does your spouse take care of that you could benefit from doing? How can you grow by learning from your beloved’s strengths?

Gentlemen, if your wife handles communication with your children, reach out to them yourself. If they are grown, call them up just to chat. You’ll be amazed at what it means to you and them.

Ladies, do we expect our husbands take care of things we’d rather not do? At my house it might be home and car maintenance and taxes. I really don’t want to change the car’s oil, but I could learn from him how to let little hurts roll off my back. And I really should tackle some of those phone calls that require assertiveness.

Choose one of your partner’s strengths that you’d like to develop and decide how to begin.

In the meantime, as a gift, do one task today that is usually your spouse’s responsibility.

Two Bible verses to ponder:

• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)
• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)

Thank you for investing four more minutes in your relationship!

Carefree Timelessness

Welcome to “4 Minutes 4 Marriage!”

For 12 years I’ve written Lenten posts that highlight the recommendations of counselors, therapists, and advisors.  This year’s focus is Marriage, and I plan to reintroduce some of the best marriage advice I’ve found.

4-minute posts may seem long and daunting, but rather than considering them too wordy to read right now, try to think of them as a very short, time-efficient Marriage course. You don’t even need to drive to class!hat said, let’s jump right in and use our 4 minutes well. Your relationship is worth it!

What do you want your marriage to be like? Close your eyes and imagine your spouse gazing at you with that, “I can’t believe how blessed I am” expression that melts your heart. Would you like to grow even closer to your special someone?

Matthew Kelly writes that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.

Watching TV together doesn’t count. Neither does reading your text messages side by side. Carefree timelessness is unscheduled, unhurried moments when you can focus on each other and let the time and the conversation meander and develop on its own.

Remember when you first met the love of your life? How easily the hours could pass spent in one another’s company. Conversations were easy and fun; you never ran out of topics to cover, not because you needed to exchange information, simply because you enjoyed knowing more about each other. Or remember how close you felt to the people who shared your last vacation? Strolls along the beach, hikes on forest trails, or easy games of Frisbee don’t accomplish concrete goals, but rather social and relational ones. We relax on vacation. We realize how much we value the people close to us.

Sadly, our busy-ness today is an enemy of growing intimacy and deepening relationships. We are too harried to slow down and enjoy each other. What a lost opportunity to share with our families the down time that seems so simple and yet draws us so close. Maybe due to tight finances, we give up our date night or take “stay-cations” and don’t leave home. Yet, if we don’t get away from our day-to-day responsibilities, we risk focusing on work, yard, or home projects, rather than refreshing our spirits.

And, oh dear, our Sabbaths suffer from overfilled schedules. Given to us as a gift from our Creator to help us renew ourselves and our relationships, Sundays instead become a day to cram in what we think we must accomplish before the next workweek begins: laundry, homework, unfinished office work, or shopping. Sabbaths are meant for renewal of ourselves and our relationships.

Our lives find their meaning in our relationships. Ask the people lying in the hospital, soon to leave this earth, what made their lives important. It’s the people who keep vigil at their bedside, the people they’ve loved or served, who are the monuments to their existence. The lives they’ve touched and improved give testimony to their accomplishments more than their promotions or patents do.

Yes, we need to work, and our employment is an opportunity to minister to the world by how we behave and what we produce. However, it is our love that will survive us and influence others profoundly.

There’s a country song, “She Thinks We’re Just Fishin’,” which portrays a dad realizing the times he spends fishing with his little girl are moments they both will remember and treasure. Go “fishing” with someone important to you!

We make time for our children:

• One dad jogs with each of his young adult children when they get together. I can imagine the interesting conversations caught between breaths.
• Another father sets aside Sunday afternoons to call each of his grown daughters, simply to catch up and stay connected.
• One friend never listens to the radio while driving her children, preferring the spontaneous conversations that seem easier while sitting beside each other, rather than face to face.
• My mother used to suggest window-shopping walks downtown at night after our small-town stores had closed. I don’t recall any life-changing conversations, but those walks told me she valued our time together, when time was a scarce commodity for a single mother.

If we can do it for our children, we can do it for our spouses.

So, this week’s homework: Spend a little carefree time with your spouse. No agenda, no goals to meet. Simply appreciate the moments together. Mute your cellphones. Turn off the TV. (You can pre-record the Olympics, so you don’t miss anything.) Take a walk. Or just hold hands and talk. Focus on him or her and the joy of shared time. Don’t problem solve. Reminisce. Dream. And don’t forget to schedule your next carefree time together.

Our marriage will improve if we regularly spend carefree timelessness with our beloved. We will move into higher levels of intimacy, perhaps sharing our hopes and goals, our fears and needs, and our efforts to become the best version of ourselves.

P.S. If you’d really like to test the parameters of this tool to intimacy, spend some carefree timelessness in prayer. Visit God in a chapel or sit in an easy chair near a window and turn your attention to him. Recognize you are in his presence always and everywhere. Chat with him. And listen.

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

Spiritual Calm

Given that I profess to believe that

• God is all good,

• God is all loving,

• God is all powerful,

• God wants what is best for me,

• And true happiness comes from following His will,

Then why am I not spiritually calm?

There can be many reasons, but let’s look at 4:

1. We know what God wants, but we don’t do it. Even St. Paul wrote, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15 Maybe we fail to do what we should because of:

• Resistance to change
  • Comfortable with what we know, we are satisfied with our current situation.
  • We’ve feel we’ve done enough and are good enough.

• Fears, such as:
  • What He has in store for us will be painful.
  • Service will take time away from our families and their needs.
  • We won’t be good enough at what God asks us to do.
  • He might lead us to death like the martyrs.

• Contrariness or choosing short-term over long-term gain
  • I don’t want to.
  • I don’t have time.
  • Maybe tomorrow.

• Wounds from the past
  • Criticism, judgment, or belittling has left us with low self-confidence.
  • Accusations from others of being a goody-goody, showing off, or seeming self-righteous.
  • Continued focus on our weaknesses makes it hard to believe we can do what He asks.

With all the above excuses for not doing what we know we should, we must remind ourselves that our all-loving God wants what is best for us, and true happiness comes from following His will.

But there is another wound from the past…

• Someone who represented God, or who pretended to, hurt us and/or someone we love.

In this case, imagine Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple. Or remember that Jesus was hardest on the Pharisees, the religious leaders. I believe the few examples of Jesus’ anger show He wants His church leaders to be Good Shepherds to His people, protecting the lambs rather than wounding them. I am so sorry you were hurt by the very people who should have shown you the most loving kindness. Please seek the healing you need to restore your spirit and know that, though we all are imperfect humans, this should not have happened to you.

2. The second reason we might not be spiritually calm is we don’t know what God’s will is. “But the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still, small voice.” 1 Kings 19:12

Sometimes we seek to choose between two options. If one (or both) were a bad thing, such as intentionally hurting an innocent person, we’d know it wasn’t God’s will. No dilemma Sometimes we seek to choose between two options. If one (or both) were a bad thing, such as intentionally hurting an innocent person, we’d know it wasn’t God’s will. No dilemma. But we might struggle to discern which direction God wants us to go when both are good choices, such as which career to follow, or whether to marry or consider a religious vocation as a single.

There is no substitute for prayer at these times, and even fasting. Consulting other trusted individuals who are wise mentors or counselors is helpful for pointing out areas you might have not considered, but the choice must be yours. Sincerely ask yourself if you really do know, but don’t want to admit it because of fear.

• Imagine for a few days you’ve made choice A. How does it make you feel? Do the same with choice B.
• If one choice seems more attractive, might it be that God is leading you by that attraction?
• Would your strengths serve one choice better than the other? Might God have been preparing you for this choice by your life experiences, even the difficult ones?
• Take time away from your routine to be free to think and pray through the decision. Ask God to lead you, and to redirect you if you are not making the choice He wants.

3. A third possibility is we are overwhelmed with non-spiritual matters. “For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the Lord.” Exodus 35:2

How balanced is your life? Have you set any boundaries that ensure time for spirituality, creativity, family closeness, or fun? Are you so tired that when you do have time, the only thing you have enough energy to do is sit in front of the TV? And then you fall asleep?

We are doing ourselves no favors by forgetting that God gave us one day each week to rest and refresh. On that day we should be enjoying our families, moving closer to Him through prayer or spiritual reading, and expressing our creative, fun side. Take one day a week, or start with part of a day, for growth and renewal. Snatch a few minutes each day for yourself. Don’t work through your vacation time. You need it. Your family needs it!

4. Perhaps we aren’t calm because our relationship with God is weak. How can we trust someone we don’t know?

Matthew Kelly writes about a very dependable way to deepen any relationship, be it with God, spouse, best friend, or children. He calls it, Carefree Timelessness. By this he means spending time without an agenda, simply to enjoy someone’s company. No matter what the relationship, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.

Remember being newly in love? How you could spend hours together without needing to accomplish anything? Remember the last time you felt really close to and connected with someone? Were you enjoying carefree timelessness? Probably so.

Spend some carefree timelessness with God. Visit Him in church, or sit in an easy chair near a window and turn your attention to Him. Recognize you are in His presence always and everywhere. Chat with Him. And listen.

I end this exploration of Calm with a disclaimer. Don’t expect to remain spiritually calm, even when you obey God’s nudges. We will find peace from obedience, but in my experience, it won’t be long before God nudges us back out of our new comfort zone and encourages us toward more growth. Then He will lead us to more joy!

Happy Easter!