Posts tagged: Spirituality

See Jesus – In Church

Seeing Jesus can result from observing Him in others like we considered last week. However, He draws us to Himself through many different means. Moving closer to Him is a matter of deepening relationships as we love people more, but also as we get to know Jesus better in His Church, through His Word, through Prayer, and through Community. Our protagonist, Frank, tells us more:

As a kid, I enjoyed reading the New Testament. Our Lady had told me I’d meet her Son, and I wanted to be ready. At first, I used a child’s book of stories about Jesus, but eventually a simplified Bible, and before long, a regular Bible. I liked the Jesus I met there. As a child, He must have been a deep thinker, and I could relate to that. I loved how He sat and listened to the elders at the temple and asked questions with understanding, even at twelve. He was kind and gentle with people, but could be passionate, like when money lenders misused His Father’s temple. I was especially intrigued by His healing miracles. I thought that healing might be just about the best of gifts to be given, to be able to cure people of their brokenness and pain. As I learned about Him from reading, I was drawn to Him, and began talking to Him as a friend.

I still do. I highly recommend it!

Above all, I strove to build a real relationship with Jesus by spending time with Him, whether in front of the Blessed Sacrament in adoration, in conversation with Him in prayer, or through little love offerings by way of sacrifices. A favorite author of mine, Matthew Kelly, once wrote that relationships deepen when we spend carefree timelessness with each other. The same is true spiritually. We grow closer to Jesus by spending time with Him.

But He doesn’t always call us to solitude. He can also meet us in Community. On my first night in Youth Group as a high school freshman, one of the seniors called for our attention. He invited us to take our seats and introduced us to the teen leaders who were other seniors like himself. A handful of adults supervised but allowed the teens to do most of the interacting. A young man and a young woman each gave a short talk about how the group had helped them deepen their faith or feel supported through hard times.

Excitement made me grin. I’d been hoping for a place where I could talk among friends about our faith. I wanted to grow closer to Jesus, but not feel like I was weird for that desire. Our Youth Group didn’t only talk. Much of our time was spent in service, putting our faith into practice.

That was when I first learned about the value of belonging to a community with shared beliefs.

Many years later, I was made pastor of my own parish, and I loved my flock dearly. I saw Jesus within them and through our shared worshipping. I felt Him reaching out to them. I felt tenderly toward the man who struck his chest gently each time Jesus’ name was read. Or the woman who sat in the front pew so that her four young children could see well, though tending to them probably meant she didn’t get to pray much herself. Of course, some folks were harder to see Jesus in. I listened to complaints about Mass times, or the music, or what the lectors wore. Some folks disagreed passionately about every topic brought up at the Parish Council meetings. The Church isn’t a collection of perfect people. It’s a community of imperfect folks who struggle together to grow closer to each other and to God.

I loved officiating at weddings, watching the bride and groom gaze into each other’s eyes, though their happiness in being joined as one emphasized how very alone a priest can be. Just when I was feeling especially sorry for myself, some sweet family would invite me to dinner. The children would play their newest pieces on the piano, or sing for me, or ask me to join them in a board game, and I’d drive home that night feeling so thankful. God had reminded me that I wasn’t alone, and that He had me, and all His children, under His wing.

Betty here again.

The early Covid precautions kept us from worshipping with our communities in our churches. It was certainly easier to attend Mass in our living rooms, but something was missing. Don’t you agree? In those first early months, we couldn’t receive Communion, and we couldn’t share community.

Some people say they can stay close to God without community, but Jesus must have thought worshipping together was important, since He instituted the Church. I think He knew we would need each other’s support through the hard times. We need the help of others as we try to raise our children to know Him. We need the witness of others when we profess our vows as a couple, baptize our children, or introduce them to the sacraments. And we certainly need the support of friends when we experience grief from the loss of a loved one. Clergy and lay ministers give us examples of how to lead our lives when they’ve gone through the challenges we face, or when they share a homily that makes us consider new directions. Those same leaders need our participation to perform works of mercy through food drives, soup kitchens, charity collections, outreach to the homeless, or support for our seniors.

We see Jesus in our churches when we study His Word, join in prayer, and reach out to help others.

See Jesus – In Others

       Welcome, or welcome back to these 4-minute posts written to help us grow.  I usually set my fiction writing aside during Lent, but this year, I will illustrate one aspect of “seeing Jesus” with excerpts from my work-in-progress novel, Jesus’ Joy. In the story, we meet a terminally ill, elderly patient who is dictating stories of his life that tell how he came to see Jesus. He begins when he was a young boy visited by the Virgin Mary in a dream.

     When I was seven, I awoke one night with a start. A strange woman stood at the foot of my bed. She smiled at me, and then I wasn’t afraid. Such a sweet smile couldn’t mean anyone any harm. A blue scarf covered most of her hair, and she wore a blue top and white pants, all very loose and flowy.
     “Frank,” she said.
     I nodded, still not quite convinced this was real, or whether this was a stranger I wasn’t supposed to talk to.
     “Frank, you are a very lucky boy. Very blessed. You will see my son Jesus soon! He won’t look like you expect, but know He loves you very much.” Then I blinked, and she was gone.
     What did she mean, soon? This was definitely a mama question. I found my mother in the kitchen, getting our lunches ready for the next day, and told her what had happened.
Mama was a calm person, not upset very easily, but she looked worried, or maybe scared. “You must have had a very realistic dream,” she said. She took me to the couch and pulled me onto her lap. “Tell me about it again,” she said, and I did. While I talked, her face drained color to a kind of whitish grey.
     Mama took a deep breath, and her face took on more color. “I know what this is,” she said. “You’ve been preparing to make your First Communion. Either you dreamed about meeting Jesus in this very special way”—I started to protest that it couldn’t have been a dream—“or,” she quickly added, “maybe the Virgin Mary really did come to remind you how blessed you are to be receiving Him soon into your body and soul.”

     Ten days later I knelt in church with my Communion class, waiting for the time to receive Jesus into my heart. I looked across the aisle at others in my class and saw my friend Evan, who was aglow with a beam of sunlight from the stained-glass window. Evan was darker than me, and I had thought before about how Jesus, as a boy, might have looked like this friend. But now, with the light making his hair shine like a halo, I remembered Mary telling me I would see her Son soon. Was this what she meant? Evan was a nice kid, but he wasn’t Jesus. At least I didn’t think he was. Could Jesus be one of my classmates?
     After the lector had read from the Old Testament and the choir had sung the responsorial psalm, I looked again at Evan, but the light beam had moved. Now it was illuminating the girl next to Evan, named Marcie. Marcie’s hair glowed like a halo, too, and in her white dress and veil she looked very angelic, but I knew differently. She was a bully, and I had learned to keep a good distance from her to avoid her teasing and mocking. No, the light beam definitely wasn’t showing me who Jesus was, if that’s what it was trying to do.
     I drew my attention back to the lector, who had finished the second reading, taken from the New Testament parts that weren’t the Gospels. I felt bad for letting my mind wander. This was a very important day.
     When it was my turn to receive, I saw and tasted bread and wine, but my faith eyes knew I had received Jesus. I’d be able to have Communion from now on, taking Jesus into my heart and body. I’d have Jesus inside me. That gave me a new thought. So would everyone in my class, even Marcie. I wouldn’t actually see Jesus when I looked at them, but Jesus would be there, inside each of them. Inside of me, too. My heart surged a beat at that thought. I wanted to keep Jesus inside me always. I wanted to remember that Jesus was inside everyone else, too. I’d need to remember to use my faith eyes to see Jesus in people.
     Had I seen Jesus, like Mary told me I would? I watched the rest of the church file up to receive Communion. When the procession to the altar had ended, I looked across the aisle and saw Marcie smiling with her eyes closed. Jesus was inside her. Evan was grinning as he looked up at a statue. Jesus was inside him. Most of my classmates were smiling.
     I wondered why I hadn’t seen any of the adults smile. Didn’t they realize what a gift they’d been given? Maybe it was hard to remember how special Communion is since they could do it every week, or even every day. That was another thing I told myself I’d have to remember when I grew up, to smile after Communion because God is inside me, and God loves me deeply. Jesus loves everyone enough to give them a chance to be one with Him in such a simple but deep way.
     That was the day I began trying to see Jesus in everyone.
 

     Betty here again. Let’s try, like Frank, to see Jesus in everyone around us. Not just the Evans that look like Jesus might have, but also the Marcies, who require more effort as we look beyond their behavior to the inner person who might be striking out from woundedness.
 
May God bless your week.

 

Aging through Grief to Service

Good Friday seems an appropriate day to discuss grief.

At any stage in our journey of Aging with Grace, we may suffer grief. The loss may be small or huge, sometimes causing us to feel as if all progress in our lives has stopped.

  • As young adults we might grieve the necessity of choosing one path over another, or the realization that we might not achieve what we had hoped. We might mourn the loss of a relationship that we thought would be “the one.” In our twenties and thirties, a “quarter-life crisis” for some, we might find that we aren’t as far along a career or relationship path as we thought we might be. We might be lonely and wonder if we will ever find love.
  • Grief might hit us in our middle-age years if we miscarry, our parents die, we suffer through an unwanted divorce, or our child falls seriously ill.
  • If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many losses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. Many of us will lose our spouses and dear friends to death. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, while possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair. We may need to move from our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things. We mourn losing our healthy bodies or quick minds. We grieve the way society sees aging as a weakness—or doesn’t see us at all.

In A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, Rose Sweet contrasts fear and faith in the midst of grieving:

  • Fear – I don’t want to grieve any more. It’s too big. It’s too painful. I’m sick of it. I want to move on. It doesn’t feel good. What will people think if I’m weak with grief? Why can’t I just avoid it? I’ll be fine, really I will, won’t I?
  • Faith – I know God has given me tears for a reason. He designed me to grieve so that I could heal. I will not be afraid of the pain, knowing He will give me His grace to get through it. After all, God’s people wept. Jesus wept. I am not alone.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

  • Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
  • God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
  • Life is never the same after a loved one dies or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
  • Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

(If grief is prolonged and accompanied by appetite or sleep changes with a lack of enjoyment for what once used to bring joy, consider talking to a professional. Depression is treatable!)

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, we should:

  • Spend time in nature and prayer.
  • Gather with those who are supportive.
  • Share a meal with loved ones.
  • Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
  • Go out and serve others.

(It strikes me that most of these are parts of our church services, too.)

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through similar circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our limitations allow us only to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Last week, Necessary Losses taught us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Let us go forth to love and serve our Lord… and God’s people.

Thank you for sharing your Lenten journey with me. May your (Good Friday) grief eventually lead you to (Easter) joy!

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Forgiveness

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Whenever we look back on our lives, and forward to how we’d like them to grow, we are likely to realize we need to forgive in order to continue to age gracefully. Maybe we need to let go of a past hurt. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves… or maybe God. No one who is holding a grudge or heavy guilt will age with grace.

First, we will look at forgiving others, then below consider how to forgive ourselves.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt offers suggestions to help us discover whom we need to forgive and seven steps to assist in our journey of forgiveness.

  1. Remember your own need for forgiveness.
  2. Pick one thing you know you ought to forgive.
  3. Ask God to saturate you with his grace to help you forgive.
  4. If possible, engage the offender in direct, open, honest communication. Don’t accuse, focus on how you feel. Say, “I forgive you.” (Do this in your imagination if the person isn’t available.)
  5. Follow your words with some act of reconciliation—perhaps a hug, handshake, or meal together.
  6. To prevent the same hurts from occurring again, keep your lines of communication open, with clear, healthy boundaries and guidelines for your relationship.
  7. Learn to forgive the small things—with friends, family, or coworkers. Be a person of grace. Don’t dwell on the hurts. Recognize you are still prone to mistakes as you become the-best-version-of-yourself, just as others are.

Forgiving others is a process, not usually a one-time decision. We will possibly fail, but then can try again. Here are a few practices that help me personally:

  • Acknowledge to yourself the anger and hurt you feel. If possible, voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt you.
  • Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs make their sores larger by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on them. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
  • Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Letting Go of Guilt – Forgiving Ourselves

Fr. Peter Siamoo, a priest from Tanzania who studied and worked here in Portland, wrote a book called Restore Your Inner Peace: Personal Healing from Within. In Fr. Peter’s work as a counselor in hospitals and prisons, he found the inability to forgive oneself to be both prevalent and destructive. Perhaps we too have trouble letting go of our mistakes, weaknesses, and past sinfulness. Don’t we, in this study of Aging with Grace, also need to forgive ourselves?

He recommends steps:

  1. Acknowledge what you’ve done.
  2. Talk about it with a safe person, possibly a good friend, minister, or therapist.
  3. Learn from it in order to grow and not repeat the mistake.
  4. Make peace with it, not to justify the mistake but to become a wounded healer.
  5. Ask for and accept forgiveness from God, who is loving and who readily forgives our transgressions when we sincerely ask for it.
  6. Forgive yourself, remembering to love your neighbor as (well as) yourself.

Forgiving ourselves after a mistake is:

  • An act of appreciation for God’s love and forgiveness.
  • Self-love that restores our inner freedom and peace.
  • A choice we make to acknowledge and accept God’s mercy and choose to treat ourselves better than what we think we deserve.
  • Worth doing because we deserve a better life than carrying guilt around.
  • A way of imitating God who has forgiven us, and
  • Important to our being happy.
  • Make amends to repair the damage and restore the relationship.

From this week on, let’s love ourselves enough to forgive ourselves… and others!

Blessings on your Lent! We’ve passed halfway!

Aging Without Fear

Max Lucado has published a little booklet called, “Imagine Your Life Without Fear.”

Of course, fear is good if it steers us away from danger. But more often, it can freeze us into inaction, keep us from helping others, or lead us to strike out in what we think is self-defense. Perhaps most of us live our lives marked with fear. The “what ifs” eat away at our peace and are another barrier to living with grace and so, aging with grace.

For some years now, I have been trying to remind myself of the Bible verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I even titled my first published book, “Hope and a Future.” God promises us that our future will be bright, and He will be with us. Still, we fear.

Fear takes on many appearances as we pass through life’s stages.

  • Fear of loneliness: Will I find someone who will love me for my lifetime?
  • Fear for our children: Are they safe? Are they loving and feeling loved?
  • Fear for our livelihood: Will I be able to get/keep a job? Will I be able to provide for those who depend on me? Will my money last through my retirement?
  • Fear of aging: Will I become too frail? Will I lose my memory? Will I cause my family too much anguish?
  • Fear of dying: Will there be great pain? Will I be well-remembered? Will I go to heaven?

Yet, God commanded Joshua as he led his people across the Jordan to the promised land (and He continues to command us): “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Max Lucado reminds us, Jesus tells us again and again not to fear:

  • When we worry that we aren’t worth God’s love: “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. (Matt. 10:31)
  • When we worry about finances: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25)
  • When we fear God: “But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt 14:27)
  • When our fear freezes us: “But Jesus came and touched them. ‘Get up,’ he said. ‘Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt. 17:7)
  • When our fear makes us overuse substances to find calm: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Tim 1:7)
  • When we fear global turmoil: “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come”. (Matt 24:6)
  • When we fear death or the afterlife: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

(All Bible quotes from the New International Version)

Max Lucado invites us to imagine one day with absolutely no fear. What courageous step would we take?

Once, 16 years ago, a priest asked our congregation to ponder what we would do if we had no fear. What do we suspect we should be doing, but fear keeps us from starting? My answer was to begin to write these Lenten emails. If I had no fear, I might offer some form of this in person. I haven’t made it that far, yet, but we take small steps forward and God honors our effort. What would you do if fear didn’t keep you from acting?

Another great book title was, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. We won’t get rid of all fear, but we can step out bravely anyway, trusting that God is at our side. Let’s face down our fears and watch them decrease as we act with courage.

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

  1. Fear will always be present if we continue to grow.
  2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
  3. The only way to feel better about ourselves is to… go out and do it.
  4. Not only are we going to experience fear whenever we are on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
  5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

St. Francis de Sales said: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts.” Once we believe this, we can say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

If this post on fear has encouraged you, read more ways to fight fear by clicking on “Fear” in the right-hand column under 4 Minutes 4 Growth.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

  • Hope and a Future (Marriage)
  • Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
  • When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
  • Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
  • Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
  • Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)

Grandparenting with Grace: A Special Role

Ready to spend an easy 4 minutes weekly towards growth? This Lent’s topic is grandparenting, which is a bit more focused than some other years. It might seem irrelevant to people who aren’t grandparents yet, but we all had grandparents, and we all can be grandparent-like to other children. How did you feel about your grandparents? Loved them? Barely knew them? Are you blessed enough that they are still in this life? If you are in the throes of parenting now, how would you like your parents to grandparent your children? What do you wish they knew or would do? Or not do? It might make a very interesting, productive conversation.

I hope you hold fond memories of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother could be funny but also reserved and wise. I still find her adages coming out of my mouth 20 years after she passed. My grandfather was playful, cautious, and dedicated to his family. My heart warms each time I think of standing on his feet while we danced when I was very little.

Perhaps you don’t have memories of some of your grandparents, but stories about them were part of your upbringing. I was told I took after my grandmother’s mother, and that made me feel proud, for I knew my grandmother admired her. Other greats- and grandparents brought their faith to this country amid difficult trials and that made me value my faith all the more. Our parents’ parents are an integral part of us.

According to The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, by Lorene Hanley Duquin, grandparents serve different roles in different families, from preserver of family legacy, to mentor, teacher, nurturer, role model, and even playmate. The relationship is a treasure, and grandparents hold a special place in the hearts of their grandchildren. Unlike parents, grandparents don’t have to focus on expectations of the life the child will lead in the future. They can focus on who the child is right now and how wonderful he or she already is! And isn’t that part of the joy of grandparenting? We don’t in most cases have the responsibility that parents do to challenge their children to be the best they can be. As grandparents, we get to always be their cheerleaders and encouragers while reminding them that they are perfectly lovable just the way they are.

They need us. Yes, in every child’s experience there are times when they haven’t pleased their parents, or when the responsibility to discipline means the child isn’t very happy with their parents. At these times grandparents are a safe haven where they know they are always loved, no matter what they do. If grandchildren feel their grandparents’ unconditional love, they can flourish and will remember us warmly.

And we need them. According to psychologist Erik Erikson, each stage of our lives has a lesson for us to master if we want to continue to mature well. The age span between 40-65, when most people become grandparents for the first time, is a period for us to share our knowledge with others create something that will last beyond us—a time of generativity, as opposed to stagnation. We have a need to make the world a better place in some way. So, grandchildren can be a source of generativity for us as we “pass on” our faith, wisdom, love, and understanding. What better way to make the world a better place than helping to form a generation who learns something from us that endures?

What legacy will we leave to our grandchildren? I hope mine will remember I loved them unconditionally and taught them something spiritual or wise. Perhaps my words will come to their lips unbidden.

One of the hardest parts of this time of quarantine, for me and many others, has been our isolation from our grandchildren. I miss our hugs, setting little ones on my lap, or cuddling up to read a story. We’ve come to appreciate how very important our relationship is, now that health dangers keep us apart. So, while we avoid the hugs and snuggles we long for and wait for our vaccines, we have time to ask ourselves, “What type of grandparents do we want to be?”

I’ve found that a movement has begun sporadically across our nation as churches begin to see that grandparenting as a ministry could use more attention. Parishes might have marriage classes, parenting speakers, education for children and teens, and maybe even social gatherings for senior groups, but little to this point for the ministry of grandparenting. And from what I hear, we could use some support, especially as we struggle to know how to handle such challenges as:

So, let’s spend the next few weeks thinking about grandparenting and how to make the most of it. We can review some pitfalls to avoid, and perhaps offer ideas to enhance what we are already doing. We can open the conversation with our friends and see what we can learn.

Wisdom nugget: “One of the best things you can do for your grandchildren is to love their parents!” Larry E McCall

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

  • Hope and a Future (Marriage
  • Where Hope Leads (Premarriage)
  • When the Vow Breaks (Family Secrets)
  • Their Only Hope (Standing Up to Evil)
  • Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary Visits Us)

Best Self/Anti Self

Best Self/Anti Self

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Growth!

This week we will switch over to our second author, Mike Bayer in Best Self: Be You, Only Better. He and Matthew Kelly have many ideas in common, but Bayer comes at self-improvement from a different angle. He starts by reminding us that we are each unique, and not only is that good, it is wonderful! Only we have the genes, experiences, and personality that come together to prepare us for our own contribution to this world. “Even when you don’t feel like you are anywhere near good enough, you are enough because of one simple truth… you are you! The only one.”

Bayer’s Best Self Model will take the reader through different spheres where improvement might help us to be our best self:

  1. Social life
  2. Personal life
  3. Health
  4. Education
  5. Relationships
  6. Employment
  7. Spiritual development life

Though we are unique, we have some traits in common when we are operating out of our Best Self:

  • We use a kind inner voice.Our self-talk is not critical.
  • We are universally fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free.

To begin defining our Best Self, Bayer recommends we write down a list of every quality we possess, such as compassion, patience, enthusiasm, courage, or honor. Write whatever traits you are proud to feel are part of you. His book lists over 200 possibilities! He goes on to ask us to name a character that represents our best self, and even draw that character so we have a very visual image when we need to call our Best Self forward. I came up with Lassie. When I’m at my best I’m an intelligent, calm shepherd, who watches over others to keep them safe and help them thrive.

We are encouraged to keep this character in mind when we need to coach ourselves to better actions, remembering those traits we listed above and our universal ability to tap into being fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free. Reminding ourselves of all the things we are grateful for keeps us attuned to our Best Self and is a wonderful exercise whenever we begin to feel low. Have a gratitude attitude. Keep a gratitude journal.

Next, Bayer suggests we look at our dark side and list our traits that bring us and others down. What are the less-than-ideal behaviors we fall into when we are less than our best—when we are tired or sad, frightened or irritated? I know I’m quicker to anger, more impatient, and can be broody, even while feeling quite self-righteous. We should find a character that we draw and name for this “Anti-Self.” Mine is Chicken Little, who runs around announcing the sky is falling and then hides, all the while grumbling about everyone else.

When you have a good visual of your Anti-Self as well as your Best Self, the next time you are tempted to let your Chicken Little be in charge you (and I) can choose instead to put your Best Self, your version of my Lassie, in charge. The more often you make that decision, the more automatic it will become. And when life shifts, as life tends to do, rethink this exercise so that any new Anti-Self can be quickly recognized and overcome by your always growing Best Self.

In order to function more often from your better side, commit to approaching life with these “tenets of change”:

  • Curiosity – keep learning about yourself and our world
  • Honesty – doing the right thing, pursuing integrity
  • Openness – being teachable, new concepts will lead to more success
  • Willingness – put action into your new thinking
  • Focus – staying on track, keeping your eye on the prize

Start to recognize what really recharges your energy (or Bayer says, recharges your authenticity battery). What do you do that makes you feel truly alive, or what activity makes you so focused that time flies by? How often do you get to do that?

And finally, how ready for change are you? Bayer cites the Transtheoretical Model which lists stages of change:

  • Precontemplation – No intention or sense of need to change current behavior
  • Contemplation – Aware that you need change, but no intention yet
  • Preparation – Aware you need change, believe capable, intent on taking action
  • Action – Actively modifying behavior toward improvement
  • Maintenance – Sustaining your changed behavior; new actions replaced the old

Where are you in that list? What can you do to move toward action? Sometimes we need serious consequences or emotional, physical, or spiritual pain to force us into change. A heart attack may finally lead us to eat healthy. A spouse leaving can make us realize we must stop drinking. A failed exam can help us find the motivation to study. It’s much better to change ourselves before we hit such depths, but human nature tends to resist change. That’s sad, because positive change makes us feel so much better about ourselves! Move into the Action phase as quickly as possible and move toward happiness!

Next week we will look at obstacles that get in the way. In the meantime, have a wonderful week!

Our Mission

Happy Spring!

Last week we talked about finding what you love, living what you believe, and using self-discipline to achieve our goals. If you are struggling to make progress, it might help to write your goal on a note you can see several times a day.

This week we will look at three more of Matthew Kelly’s lessons toward a better self, from his book Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You. We are hearing more and more about decluttering lately. Marie Kondo is helping people declutter with her book and her Netflix series. Our pastor is focusing on decluttering spiritually during Lent. Simplifying our lives makes room for growth and has been recommended by many great spiritual guides. In today’s society, few people live simple lives. More and more, complication seems to be the norm. But is that what we want?

Our purpose is to be the best-version-of ourselves, the person God created us to be.

In order to do that, we will need to focus on our values, on what is most important to us. We must simplify our lives enough to be able to spend some time in silence and solitude. We need to say no to requests that steal our time and overcrowd our lives. Kelly reminds us, “You have to find your place in the grand scheme of life, but you will not find it by busying yourself with a million things that were not intended for you.” If someone asks you to do something, take time to answer. Ask yourself what your motives would be for doing what they ask, and whether it is the best use of your time. Would the activity make you a better version of yourself? Or help others to be the best versions of themselves?

Once we make time to think and pray, we can analyze what our true motives are, and what we would like them to be. What makes us do what we do? Is it fear? Maybe the fear of not pleasing everyone? Wouldn’t we rather make decisions based on strength and faith? With choices made based on doing the right thing, clarity will follow, and decisions will be much easier.

More ideas for simplifying:

  • Learn to enjoy things without having to own (and then take care of) them.
  • Unplug your television for a week. Or a month. Read more. Talk to people more. Evaluate TV’s effect before you plug back in. Take control of its influence on your family.
  • Seek happiness through contributing to the lives of others, rather than through things. Things only have value if they make us better people, or help others reach their potential.
  • Simplifying your outer life brings clarity to your inner life.

Once you have more clarity, you can ask, what is my mission? What am I called to contribute to this world? Write down everything that comes to mind, large and small, from contributing to your family to an area of creativity that brings good to others. Our mission is driven by the needs of others and our need to serve; it is “a meeting between self and service.” It is where “our talents and passions collide with the needs of others and the world.” Frederick Buechner writes our mission is “the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.” It is to do… what we can, where we can, right now, to make the world better.

How do we find our mission? Kelly asserts, “By using the moments of each day to become the best-version-of-ourselves, by doing all the good things we feel inspired to do where we are right now, by investigating and developing our unique talents and deepest desires, and by listening to the voice of God in our lives.” No small order, but we only need to take baby steps. Now. The Holy Spirit leads us step-by-step, but only as we take each step.

“The greatest shift in most of our lives will take place when we decide to make ourselves radically available to serve.”

I liked this sentence in Kelly’s book: “Every time we encounter a person, we should give them a gift.” Whether it is a word of encouragement, or simply our focused attention and a smile, we can remind ourselves we are here to serve. Yet, to be most effective, we must balance service with our own needs, be they physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual.

We mustn’t let our fears and worries detract from our service. Kelly reminds us, “We are afraid because we don’t know how things are going to work out, but things are going to work out.” Look back on the things you have worried about. Didn’t they work out? Every problem that comes into our lives can teach us a lesson, strengthen a virtue, and build our character. We need to increase our faith that “God loves us, will provide for us, and most of all, that he has saved us.”

Turn to silence and solitude. God speaks to us there. He shows us where the good is in difficult situations. He leads us to “patiently seek the good in everyone and everything.” Look for what you agree on within an argument, before tackling where you differ in opinion. Seek the good in others, and also in yourself.

In summary, the final steps in Kelly’s book are:

  • Simplify
  • Focus on what you are here to give
  • Patiently seek the good in everyone and everything

Next week we will begin to study Best Self, by Mike Bayer. In the meantime, let’s try each day to do one good thing that we don’t want to do.

Your Best Self

Welcome back! Did you think about what change would make the best difference in your life? It’s fine if you don’t know. We can figure it out over the next few weeks.

Matthew Kelly, in Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, writes that generally speaking, in the 1950s, people worked in order to support their families. By the 1980s, people wanted to make as much money as possible, no matter how hard and long they had to work. The 1990s found people wanting more leisure time. Now, the newest generation entering the workforce wants to have work that they see as meaningful so they find fulfillment through the work they do. Kelly asserts, “The primary meaning, purpose, and value of work is that when we work hard and well, when we pay attention to the details of our work, we develop character and virtue. When we work, we gain the opportunity to partner with God.” He adds, “Happiness is found in doing things that we can take pride in doing well and hence can enjoy doing.

Therefore, if we want to grow in virtue, which increases our happiness, we should work whole-heartedly at the job we have. We shouldn’t ask, “What do I want to be when I grow up,” but rather, “Who is God inviting me to become?” We should then take steps, even if baby steps, today, toward finding our passion. What might those baby steps be? Write a list of all your passions. Celebrate them, large and small. Where is your dream in that list? What do you need to do to move from your current life to your dream? It may take time to find what you love to do but start doing what you love in small ways now.

Kelly says, “Life is about love. What do you love doing? Do it. What do you love being? Be it. What do you love having? Have it and share it. Who do you love loving? Love them.” If financial obstacles keep you from doing what you love, what are you willing to sacrifice? And if your passion may not pay the bills, then make space in your life to pursue it through your hobbies, or as a small part-time business, or as a volunteer. Overcome your fears. “Find what you love and do it.”

Next, live what you believe. Be content with what you are today, but let’s never stop striving to improve ourselves for tomorrow. Begin to listen to the small voice that guides you toward your best, whether you call it conscience, or God, or wisdom. It will lead you toward what is “good, true, noble, and beautiful.” Act on what you believe. Stop doing what you know you should stop. Start doing what you know you should do. Don’t be so busy that fatigue or stress keep you from following your beliefs.

This decision to become—or act from—your best self requires self-discipline. Kelly says you can’t be happy without discipline. “In fact, if you want to measure the level of happiness in your life, measure your level of discipline.” In 2013, Time Magazine quoted a study published in the Journal of Personality asserting that self-disciplined people are happier than those who aren’t. They found a connection between our levels of self-control and our levels of life satisfaction. The authors write that “one interpretation of this finding is that people use self-control to set up their lives so as to avoid problems.”

Kelly cautions, “The body has a voice for a reason: to alert us to hunger, thirst, heat, cold, and danger. But when we overindulge the body, this voice becomes the voice of craving rather than the voice of need. […] The body is like money, a horrible master but an excellent servant. […] The greatest dictator of the twenty-first century is the body. We do whatever it tells us to do, whenever it tells us to do it. […] Self-mastery is the only alternative to the enslavement of self.” In short, we must control our impulses if we wish to be happier. One method Kelly recommends to regain mastery of ourselves is to practice fasting, or denying ourselves in small ways “so that we can regain the self-mastery that makes us free and take control once more of our temperament, appetites, and impulses.” Beyond simply fasting from food, we can fast from shopping, criticism, complaining, etc. At each meal we can choose to forego something, such as the largest serving, seconds, or dessert. Throughout the day we can fast from gossip, or a nap, or a television program.

Little acts of self-denial allow us to be free from those indulgences that enslave us.

So, according to Kelly’s chapters, our next steps toward happiness are:

  1. Find what you love and do it
  2. Live what you believe
  3. Be disciplined

These are both simple and very complex recommendations. What can we do this week in each area? For me, I’ll be disciplined about writing more, despite all the family distractions. What about you?

5 Love Languages

Would you rather receive a love letter, be taken on a date, be given a gift, relax into a warm embrace, or have your beloved make you dinner?

 

Gary Chapman, in now classic The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we may run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

 

The Five Love Languages:

  1. Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.
  2. Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones, focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive when the beloved offers self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen. Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.
  3. Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.
  4. Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through gifts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made. You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully!
  5. Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are treasured. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

 

Chapman encourages us to show our love to our spouse in the language they prefer. I suggest we learn to use all 5 whenever possible. If you are better at some than others, try to grow in your weak areas, while not giving up on your strengths.

May your love become multi-lingual and take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit –

How does God show us love? He gave us a book of love letters. He embraced the leper and the child. He emphasized the importance of gratitude. He speaks to us in a still, calm voice. And, as his ultimate act of service, he died for us.

Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Prayer, service to his children, rocking an infant, gifts to the poor, time just focused on him? Try a new one!

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