Searching for Meaning with Our Children

What can we teach children about searching for meaning? If you have young children, encourage them to discover their talents and interests. Give them opportunities to try new things. If you have teenagers, be a cheerleader for their interests and their experiments with new endeavors. The goal is to help them discover their gifts and passions. Once they focus on something, help them find how it can be used for others.

A recent article in the Oregonian, “A Surprisingly Simple Route To Happiness,” by Dana Milbank recounted an experiment:

“Cornell psychologist Anthony Burrow, who runs the university’s Purpose and Identity Processes Lab, found that with little effort he was able to bring out a different side of Gen Z.

“Since 2019, Burrow and his researchers have selected about 1,200 college and high school students to receive $400 no-strings “contributions” to use “to pursue what matters most” to them—something that benefits their community, family or even themselves. Before awarding the funds (eligible recipients are selected randomly), he tests applicants based on standard measures of well-being and emotions. Six to eight weeks after awarding the $400—the time during which the recipients have to make their contributions—he again tests those who received the funds and those who didn’t.

“The preliminary results are unambiguous. At the start, both groups typically scored the same on psychological measures. Eight weeks later, those who received the contributions scored significantly higher than the non-recipients on all measures: latent well-being, sense of purpose, sense of belonging, sense of feeling needed and useful, and affective balance (a measure of positive and negative emotions).

“Burrow’s takeaway: ‘Invite people to think about a contribution they want to make and help them (to) make that contribution, and that person may walk around with greater purpose than if they hadn’t done that.’”

Burrow suggests parents ask their kids what contribution they’d most like to make and then talk about how they can get started — with or without financial assistance. He says his research suggests the contribution we make toward fulfilling our purpose needn’t be “a major life-changing allocation of time or energy” but rather “things we can fit into our everyday routines.”

Next in the article, Milbank quoted Psychologist Kendall Cotton Bronk, of Claremont Graduate University, “The real path to happiness is focusing on others, on how you can contribute to others and their well-being. … What we need to be focusing on is contributing in meaningful ways, and often that will lead to the happiness that you’re seeking.”

Bronk believes that parents, too, can use these techniques to develop a sense of purpose in their own kids. Bronk advises parents to reflect on their own purpose in life and share that with their children and then ask them questions about what they want to accomplish and what they’re good at. She offers an online “purpose tool kit” for adolescents. https://www.kendallcottonbronk.com/purpose-toolkits-for-students .

Milbank continues, “The most efficient path to living a contented life may be to put ourselves through the same simple exercise of thinking about our purpose and then taking a step — even a modest one — toward fulfilling it. It’s not a replacement for other mental health interventions, but the surest path to happiness for many of us could be as simple as this: Stop trying to be happy — and start figuring out how to make other people happy.”

She quotes Todd Kashdan, who runs the Well-Being Lab at George Mason University. “The best exercise is to ask yourself what “the world is missing” and then how you uniquely “fill that gap a little bit.” The specific purpose doesn’t matter; it’s just a question of “what lights you up.” Then commit to make a specific regular contribution — particularly time — toward that purpose and assess your progress.”

Recently, I listened to two of my friends talking about their mutual interest in art. One had been encouraged by her parents, the other had not. As parents, I hope we will be remembered as being supportive of our children’s exploration of their passions and talents.

And how about becoming supportive of our own inner child’s talents, particularly if our parents weren’t. Is there something you always wanted to try? There’s no time like the present!