Notice God’s Love

I want to challenge you to try something. Ask God to show you today how much you are loved. Then—here’s the challenge—pay attention and notice when He does, because He will, but you might not expect the method He chooses.

Rev. Michael Harvey spoke recently about a study that showed people in other countries are more open to spiritual experiences than we are in the States. We tend to lead our lives in such a hurried, busy state that we are too distracted to notice that small miracles surround us. We are spiritual as well as physical beings. So, why is it so hard for us to believe we are surrounded by a spiritual as well as physical world? We need to practice being aware of how God touches our lives.

Sometimes God shows us his love through nature:

• In the vastness of the ocean, or stars, or a mountain range.
• Or perhaps in the craft of a frost-covered spider web, or the contrast of red berries next to the white bark of a birch tree.
• Maybe you’ll be entertained by the play of a puppy, the speed of a horse, or the call of a bird you haven’t heard before.
• Maybe your heart dances when the first daffodil or crocus opens, or daphne causes you to inhale deeply.

God can speak to your heart through other people:

• Someone’s words may strike home and seem like a personal message for your life.
• A friend calls or stops by to visit.
• An unexpected kindness makes your smile reach your eyes.
• You listen to lyrics and a melody, or see beauty in a painting and are uplifted.
• You can certainly know God’s affection through the embrace of a loved one.
• Or sometimes, witnessing another’s misfortune, you realize how blessed you are.

If we are alert, we see the hand of God in coincidences:

• Uncanny timing brings an old friend across your path, or averts an accident.
• A deadline you weren’t ready for is suddenly postponed.
• God was definitely cherishing you the day, the moment, when you met the love of your life.

You may experience God within you:

• Inspiration comes and a problem is solved.
• Your prayers bring you to a new awareness of God’s nearness and love.
• Forgiveness you couldn’t quite attain settles gently into your soul.
• A pervasive moodiness lifts and you re-experience joy.
• You reach a goal that had eluded your efforts.
• You suddenly realize what unrecognized gifts you’ve been given in your abilities, or your family, or your health.

In fact, if you want to grasp the wealth of God’s love for you, list the aspects of your life that make you grateful. Look to the past:

• Note where God has blessed, rescued, or forgiven you.
• Remember that even the times you suffered often brought forth growth. Perhaps a relationship ended and you were devastated, but later you fell in love with someone more perfect for you.
• Go beyond your own past and study history to see God’s hand in it. Appreciate what your ancestors risked in order for you to know freedom and opportunity.

God can speak to you in pain:

• Ponder the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.
• Many people first find God when they are suffering, at the lowest point in their lives. When they cannot go on, they reach out to Him and experience a peaceful comfort and realize He sustains them.

Let’s open our eyes/hearts/souls to God and all the countless graces He showers on us each day and discover a critical step to growth. Once we know deep down, undeniably, that we are loved, it frees us to a sense of gratitude and an ability to love ourselves and others.

Discover what circumstances prove easiest for you to recognize God’s tender presence. For me, because I love nature, He tends to touch me in the beauty of sunshine, flowers, birds, and wildlife. I feel treasured when a flock of geese flies overhead or I spy a hidden deer. I also feel God-cherished through my family. When my husband smiles at me, or I hold a tiny baby, I connect with that spiritual world.

If you are like me, you may start out your day with the best intention to notice God’s love notes. Then the business of the day wears on and suddenly it’s bedtime and you haven’t thought about it again. That’s ok. You can mull over your day with a sense of gratitude as you fall asleep. And then you can begin again tomorrow because God will show you His love any day you choose to recognize it.

If we believe that God is love, we touch God whenever we open our hearts. Will you notice Him loving you today? Or will someone else notice because of your loving actions?

May you discover new depths of God’s personal, intimate love for you this week!

The Best Version of Ourselves

Remember Matthew Kelly’s The Seven Levels of Intimacy I briefly listed two weeks ago? We spent a little time considering Level 4, Hopes and Dreams. Today I’d like us to talk about Level 7, Legitimate Needs. God gave us these needs as clues to help us thrive.

An ongoing theme in Kelly’s writing is his encouragement that we strive to become “the best version of ourselves.” To do so, we need to constantly grow in all four legitimate need areas:

1. Physical – Eat well, exercise, sleep regularly. Let each decision we make in this area (and all areas) be tested by asking ourselves, “Will this (cupcake, walk, bedtime) make me a better version of myself?”
2. Emotional – Give focus and priority to relationships. We talked about this last week in the concept of carefree timelessness. Spending time intended for simple enjoyment with the important people in our lives will enhance our relationships and bring us joy.
3. Intellectual – We become what we read. As individuals and societies, we become the stories we listen to. What stories occupy your time? If you are like me, we access our stories on television, in the newspaper, in the books we read, and the time we spend online. Do these stories portray heroes we’d like to emulate? Kelly recommends we choose our inputs wisely and give at least ten minutes a day to reading great books.
4. Spiritual – We spend particular focus on our spiritual growth during Lent. Yes, we may eat better, or exercise more as an attempt to be healthier, but these are disciplines we practice, and discipline is the road to growing spiritually. Kelly recommends we start our spiritual discipline with ten minutes per day spent in what he calls “the classroom of silence.”

When you stop to realize and truly believe that our God, who is All Powerful but also All Loving, yearns to have a one-on-one, face-to-face, heart-to-heart relationship with you, cares about you intimately, wants what is the very best for you, and would do and give everything toward that end, the experience of such intense love will light a spark within you. The spark will ignite a fire that is sometimes a warm glow and other times an encompassing inferno.

By human nature, even though we experience these moments of understanding when we are awed by the realization of God with us, before long we return to our mundane worries and cares. To counteract this and continue to grow in our relationship with God, we need to choose to keep returning to the awareness of his presence. To always be aware of God’s nearness is a wonderful goal but for now, let’s commit to drawing ourselves back to the spiritual with the discipline of setting aside time to refocus on God.

• We can reconnect to the loving presence by many routes. We can turn our thoughts to prayer at any time or place, even at red lights while our cars and spirits idle.
• We can inform our life decisions and our knowledge of God’s way by studying scripture and inspirational writing.
• Together with our faith family, we avail ourselves of God’s graces together in the sacraments of the Church. Do you sometimes agree with your children who complain that church is boring? If so, pray before the service that God will show you one way to become a better version of yourself. Then listen to the songs, the readings, the homily, and the voice in your heart. One phrase will excite you. Write it down in a small journal and pray about it. You’ll be amazed at how the Spirit has been reaching out to you at every service and you didn’t notice.

This doesn’t need to be a lone pursuit. Focus on helping loved ones achieve their legitimate needs and you will grow closer to God and each other.

Homework: Commit to the discipline of ten minutes of attention daily to each of the four areas of legitimate needs. If that seems overwhelming, start with one and add another each week.

May God bless you and your willingness to work toward growth!

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

Carefree Timelessness

Welcome back to our 4 Minutes 4 Growth. I hope you shared a discussion of hopes and dreams with someone you love.

Would you like to feel even closer to that someone?

Matthew Kelly writes that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.

When have we experienced carefree timelessness in our lives?

Remember when we first met the love of our life and how easily the hours could pass spent in one another’s company? Conversations were easy and fun. We could share a lengthy visit in person or on the phone without running out of topics to cover, not because we needed to exchange information, simply because we enjoyed the time together.

Think of how, as a teen, you could spend hours talking on the phone. Now teens can connected by both phone and computer. But if you ask them what they talked about they’ll still  shrug and say, “Nothing much,” like we did to our parents.

Or remember how close you felt to the people who shared your last vacation? Our walks along the beach, hikes on forest trails, or easy games of Frisbee didn’t accomplish concrete goals, but rather social and relational ones. We relaxed. We realized how much we value the people close to us.

Sadly, our busy-ness today is an enemy of growing intimacy and deepening relationships. There’s a recent trend in the work place that employees don’t take all the vacation time they accrue. What a lost opportunity to share with our families that down time that seems so simple and yet draws us so close.

Maybe due to our tightened belts we take “stay-cations” and don’t leave home. Yet, if we don’t leave our day-to-day responsibilities behind, we risk taking on yard or home projects to accomplish, rather than refreshing our spirits.

And oh, dear, our Sabbaths suffer. Given to us as a gift from our Creator to help us renew ourselves weekly, Sundays instead become a work day to cram in what we think we must accomplish before the next week begins: laundry, homework, unfinished office work, or shopping. Sabbaths are meant for renewal of ourselves and our relationships.

Our lives find their meaning in our relationships. Ask the people lying in the hospital, soon to leave this earth what made their lives important. It’s the people who stand at their bedside, the people they’ve loved or served, who are the monuments to their existence. The lives they’ve touched and improved give testimony to their accomplishments more than their promotions or patents.

Yes, we need to work, and our employment is an opportunity to minister to the world by how we behave or what we produce. However, our love will survive us and influence the world more profoundly.

There’s a country song, “She Thinks We’re Just Fishin’,” which portrays a dad realizing the times he spends fishing with his little girl are moments they both will remember and treasure. Go “fishing” with someone important to you!

I know one dad who jogs with each of his young adult children when they get together. I can imagine the interesting conversations caught between breaths. Another father sets aside Sunday afternoons to call each of his grown daughters, simply to catch up and stay connected. One friend never listens to music while driving her children, preferring the spontaneous conversations that seem easier when not sitting face to face. I remember my mother suggesting window-shopping walks downtown at night after our small town stores had closed. I don’t recall any life-changing conversations, but those walks told me she valued our time together, when time was a scarce commodity for a single mother.

So, this week’s homework: Spend a little carefree time with someone you love. No agenda, no goals to meet. Simply relish the moments together. Call a friend. Write a letter. Take a walk with one of your children and focus on him or her and the joy of sharing time. Play a game, not to win or teach, but for fun.

If you’d really like to test the parameters of this tool to intimacy, spend some carefree timelessness with God. Visit the Blessed Sacrament in perpetual adoration chapels, or sit in an easy chair near a window and turn your attention to him. Recognize you are in his presence always and everywhere. Chat with him. And listen.

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

“What are your hopes and dreams?”

Recently my husband and I listened to spirituality speaker and author Matthew Kelly’s recording, The Seven Levels of Intimacy. To briefly list them:

1. Clichés – “How are you?” “Fine, thanks.” We use these to socialize, but they can draw us closer or be used to keep people at a distance.
2. Facts – “I see your team won yesterday.” Again, these interactions can enhance or block increased intimacy.
3. Opinions – These open us to greater sharing, but are fraught with danger. People think they need to convince others to their opinions.
4. Hopes and Dreams – Nothing is more fulfilling than chasing down a dream, or more satisfying than helping someone live their dreams. Sharing hopes and dreams enhances intimacy.
5. Feelings – Knowing our feelings, being comfortable about them, expressing them in the right place, at the right time, to the right person. Contrary to what our culture thinks, love isn’t based on understanding, but rather on acceptance. Some feelings aren’t meant to be understood, only accepted.
6. Fears, Faults, & Failures – These drive us away from the best versions of ourselves and from intimacy. Do you know your fears? Do you know the fears of those around you? When people allow themselves to be vulnerable and express these, powerful intimacy grows.
7. Legitimate Needs – Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual – God gave us these clues to help us thrive. Eat well, exercise, sleep regularly, give focus and priority to relationships, read great books, and finally value silence, solitude, scriptures, and sacraments. You never can get enough of what you don’t need; you only can get enough of what you need. Focus on helping each other achieve legitimate needs and you will grow close.

Driving in the car (the kind of captive-conversation situation that I love but makes my husband groan), we asked each other, “What are your hopes and dreams?”

We are both in a stage of life where many of our dreams have been accomplished. Our children are grown and leading productive lives. My husband is doing well at work, recognized for his abilities. Thanks to his work, we’ve traveled to some amazing places together. I’ve met my goal of having a book published, and recently a second. We’ve lived to delight in a grandchild and are anticipating a second in May.

We feel very grateful for all we’ve accomplished and been blessed with, but it was nice to realize we aren’t finished with dreams. We still have hopes for our “someday.” Hearing each other talk about them drew us closer, and created a sense of excitement. We realized we still have adventures ahead of us, and as a team we can help each other move toward our individual goals. Two of my dreams are to vastly reduce what I own, and to finance a well for a community in need of clean water.

What are your hopes and dreams? Have you taken time lately to think about them? Have you talked to your spouse or soul mate about them? (Maybe one of your goals is to find a soul mate!) Do you know what your “significant other” hopes and dreams about? How about your children? Our intimacy will deepen if we talk to each other about our dreams. It will skyrocket if we work to help each other to achieve them!

So, homework:

1. Ask yourself what hopes and dreams you have for your future. Write them down. Pick one you can start working on. What’s the first step? Take it this week!
2. Ask your beloved or your children what dreams they have for the years ahead. Matthew recommends couples keep a shared notebook of their hopes and dreams, reviewing it often and discussing it together. What could you start working on together this week?

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

Heal the Heartache of Divorce

For anyone who has suffered through divorce and would like to heal through their faith, I highly recommend Rose Sweet’s A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce. I think it would be applicable to men, too. Though the book holds much more wisdom, here are some excerpts from the ends of the first few chapters where the author asks,

“What does our fear say?” and, “What does our faith say?”

On this solemn Good Friday, day of Jesus’ passion, remember Joy is coming!

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

Sacred Marriage Cont’d

What did you think of Gary Thomas’ idea that God designed marriage to make us holy even more than to make us happy?

There’s more intriguing wisdom in his book Sacred Marriage. As a husband, Gary speaks from his own perspective about the care of wives. Of course, all he says can encourage wives to treat husbands as treasures, too. He writes:

• “My wife was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor her? In fact, shouldn’t it even give me pause before I reach out to touch her? She is the Creator’s daughter, after all!”
• “The biggest challenge for me in upholding my spiritual obligation to honor my wife is that I get busy and sidetracked. I don’t mean to dishonor her; I just absentmindedly neglect to actively honor her.” Quoting Betsy and Gary Ricucci, “Honor isn’t passive, it’s active. […] Honor not expressed is not honor.”
• “Quoting Dr. John Barger:  ‘[When women] love, they love quietly; they speak, as it were, in whispers, and we have to listen carefully, attentively.’ Isn’t God also this way? Doesn’t he intervene in most of our lives in whispers, which we miss if we fail to recollect ourselves and pay careful attention—if we do not constantly strive to hear those whispers of divine love? The virtues necessary in truly loving a woman and having that love returned—the virtues of listening, patience, humility, service, and faithful love—are the very virtues necessary for us to love God and to feel his love returned.”
• “In his audiotape series According to Plan, C.J. Mahaney pleads with men to recover [a] sense of sacrifice. He points out that sacrifice isn’t sacrifice unless it costs us something, and then he leaves a challenging question hanging in the air: ‘Gentlemen, what are we doing each day for our wives that involves sacrifice? What are you doing each day for your wife that is costing you something?’”

The author also shares a thought aimed primarily at women who have allowed this appearance-focused society to damage their self-esteem:

• “Continuing to give your body to your spouse even when you believe it constitutes “damaged goods” can be tremendously rewarding spiritually. It engenders humility, service, and an other-centered focus, as well as hammering home a very powerful spiritual principle: Give what you have.”

He speaks to all of us about creativity:

• “You were made by God to create. If you don’t create in a thoughtful and worshipful manner—whether preparing meals, decorating a home, achieving a vocational dream, responsibly raising children—you will feel less than human because you are in fact acting in a sub-human mode.[…]The creation, of course, must have a proper focus—namely, the glory of God.”
• “When this sense of creation is lost, marriage loses some of its spiritual transcendence. […] If we don’t nurture a godly sense of creativity, we will experience an emptiness that we may perversely and wrongly blame on our marriage. The emptiness comes not from our marriage, however, but from the fact that we’re not engaged in our marriage. We’re not using this powerful relationship in order to create something.”

And he continues his thoughts on creativity to include the creation of family:

• “As people created in the image of God, we have a responsibility to create. […] Creating a family is the closest we get to sharing the image of God.”
• “Building a family together isn’t a side avocation. It takes enormous energy, concentration, and self-denial.”
• Quoting Jerry Jenkins, “Tell your [marital] story. Tell it to your kids, your friends, your brothers and sisters, but especially to each other. The more your story is implanted in your brain, the more it serves as a hedge against the myriad forces that seek to destroy your marriage. Make your story so familiar that it becomes part of the fabric of your being. It should become a legend that is shared through the generations as you grow a family tree that defies all odds and boasts marriage after marriage of stability, strength, and longevity.”
• Quoting Evelyn & James Whitehead: “In our marriage we tell the next generation what sex and marriage and fidelity look like to Christians. We are prophets, for better and for worse, of the future of Christian marriage.”

Then he extends the idea of family and asks us to be of service to the world because, “When marriage becomes our primary pursuit, our delight in the relationship will be crippled by fear, possessiveness, and self-centeredness.”

• “But a man and woman dedicated to seeing each other grow in their maturity in Christ; who raise children who know and honor the Lord; who engage in business that supports God’s work on earth and is carried out in the context of relationships and good stewardship of both time and money—these Christians are participating in the creativity that gives a spiritually healthy soul immeasurable joy, purpose, and fulfillment.”
• “I will be most fulfilled as a Christian when I use everything I have—including my  money and time—as a way to serve others, with my spouse getting first priority (after God).”
• Quoting Evelyn & James Whitehead, “Christianity has long called us to this truth: Marriage must be about more than itself because love that does not serve life will die.”
• “We allow marriage to point beyond itself when we accept two central missions: becoming the people God created us to be, and doing the work God has given us to do. If we embrace—not just accept, but actively embrace—these two missions, we will have a full life, a rich life, a meaningful life, and a successful life. The irony is, we will probably also have a happy marriage, but that will come as a blessed by-product of putting everything else in order.”

Holy, then happy.

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying studying Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas. He asks, as the theme of his book, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Such a different perspective on marriage than our society holds today, and sadly, than many of us expected when we exchanged vows.

Gary Thomas says, “The real transforming work of marriage is the twenty-four-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week commitment. This is the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ. […] Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value.”

He continues, “The first purpose of marriage—beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else—is to please God. The challenge, of course, is that it is utterly selfless living; rather than asking, “What will make me happy?” we are told that we must ask, “What will make God happy?”

The simple truth is no marriage, or any relationship, can always make us happy. We are imperfect people who make mistakes and those mistakes often wound the people closest to us. When our loved ones hurt us, we must learn to forgive in order for the relationship to survive. When we hurt our beloved, we must learn to ask forgiveness. In this give and take, marriage stretches us and teaches us to be better people. If we do our work well, holier
people.

As the author says, “Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation.” And so we become examples, though imperfect, of God’s constant forgiveness and effort at reconciliation.

A few points about reconciliation from the book:

• “Husbands, you are married to a fallen woman in a broken world. Wives, you are married to a sinful man in a sinful world. It is guaranteed that your spouse will sin against you, disappoint you, and have physical limitations that will frustrate and sadden you. […] If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn’t matter how difficult the person is whom we are called to love; it doesn’t matter if that love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, ‘Like it or not, I’m going to love you like nobody ever has.’”
• “Whenever marital dissatisfaction rears its head in my marriage—as it does in virtually every marriage—I simply check my focus. The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from  emanding a “better” wife. […] Yes we need a changed partner, but the partner that needs to change is not our spouse, it’s us!”
• “I don’t know how you can be unsatisfied maritally, and then offer yourself to God to bring about change in your life and suddenly find yourself more than satisfied with the same spouse. I don’t know why this works, only that it does work.”
• “Use the revelation of your sin as a means to grow in the foundational Christian virtue of humility, leading you to confession and renouncement. Then go the next step and adopt the positive virtue that corresponds to the sin you are renouncing. If you’ve used women in the past, practice serving your wife. If you’ve been quick to ridicule your husband, practice giving him encouragement and  praise.”
• “Marriage is a long walk. We can start out a little slowly, even occasionally lose our way, and still salvage a most meaningful journey.”

The author talks about once backpacking with friends and coming to a swift creek they needed to cross. One friend gave him advice: “Whatever you do, if you fall, fall forward.” He believes the same advice applies wisely to our marriages. Yes, we’ll inevitably make mistakes and fall. Let’s just be sure we fall forward, toward our spouse.

We all know those moments when we would feel justified to cross our arms, stomp, and turn our backs on our spouse. Or angry in bed, we want to roll over and face away. Those are the most important (and hardest) times to turn towards our spouse with love. We must make our challenges draw us closer together rather than tear us apart. We must fall forward into each other’s arms. Forward into each others’ hearts.

Gary writes:

• “Falls are inevitable. We can’t control that, but we can control the direction in which we fall—toward or away from our spouse.”
• “I believe one of marriage’s primary purposes is to teach us how to forgive. This spiritual discipline provides us with the power we need to keep falling forward in the context of a sinful world.”
• “It took years for me to understand I have a Christian obligation to continually move toward my wife. I thought that as long as I didn’t attack my wife or say cruel things to her, I was a “nice” husband, but the opposite of biblical live isn’t hate, it’s apathy. To stop moving toward our spouse is to stop loving him or her. It’s holding back from the very purpose of marriage.”
• “What do we do when our spouse doesn’t want us to fall forward—when in fact, our spouse is pushing us away? The Bible provides clear guidance. The father let the prodigal son go, but love demanded that the father always be ready with open arms to “fall forward” should the son ever return (see Luke 15:11-32).”

I pray for blessings on your week. May you show your love for God by loving your spouse well. One last piece of advice from the book before I end:

• “But if you truly want to love God, look right now at the ring on your left hand, commit yourself to exploring anew what that ring represents, and love passionately, crazily, enduringly the fleshly person who put it there. It just may be one of the most spiritual things you can do.”

All will be well.

 Easter!

 Tomorrow begins the Easter Triduum of

• Holy Thursday, when we contemplate Jesus’ desire to be with us, even in the face of death, as he offers his Spirit to be accessible through a simple meal of Communion;
• Good Friday, when completely innocent and all powerful, he chooses to suffer and relinquish his life to redeem us from our failings; and
• Holy Saturday, when we move from the darkness of death to the light of resurrection on
• Easter Sunday, when death and sin have been conquered!

Easter is a celebration of victory! God is on our side and he won! We are victors!

How can we not exude CONFIDENCE? Even if all the efforts of our past 6 weeks have not paid off and we still feel inadequate, we can step forward with confidence in God’s love for us.

There can be NO DOUBT when we look on the cross and contemplate Jesus’ suffering, knowing he chose freely to die for us.

If we truly believe that the Son of God suffered, died, and rose for us, shared his Spirit in order to continue to be with us, we have no choice but to TRUST God’s love for us.

Being followers of Christ doesn’t mean we won’t be outcasts.    He was.

It doesn’t mean we won’t know failure.    He did.

It doesn’t mean we won’t suffer.    He chose to.

It means we have already won! He lives! 

It means this life we live has meaning. He shows the way.

It means we will rise after death! He prepares a place for us!

In celebration of our victory over all that is imperfect, I offer you words from St. Julian of Norwich, who lived during the threat of the plague:

“And these words: ‘You will not be overcome,’ were said very insistently and strongly, for certainty and strength against every tribulation which may come. He did not say: ‘You will not be assailed, you will not be laboured, you will not be disquieted,’ but he said: ‘You will not be overcome.’ God wants us to pay attention to his words, and always to be strong in our certainty, in well-being and in woe, for he loves us and delights in us, and so he wishes us to love him and delight in him and trust greatly in him, and all will be well.

Blessings on your Easter season!

Betty Arrigotti

Gaining Confidence Through (Or In Spite Of) Family

            I spent last week visiting my family of origin in Montana. My brother and I shared a book signing there for my novel, Hope and a Future, and his photography book, Visions of Montana.

            I left for my hometown expecting that the trip would provide input for me to write about Alan Loy McGinnis’ recommendation, in order to grow in confidence, “Make the best possible peace with your parents.” I’d like to extend his words to include families.

 Make the best possible peace with your family.

            However, it wasn’t my own family that drew my attention. Throughout the week in Montana and the days in Oregon since, other families’ pain pressed upon my heart.

• On the airplane, I sat next to a 16 year old who was being sent to live with her grandmother because of falling in with the wrong crowd at her school. She fingered a beaded cross her little brother had made and sighed, “I’m going to miss him so much.”
• At daily Mass I listened as one child requested “Prayers for my mama because she’s been crying a lot and having a hard time.”
• An acquaintance divulged her heartache over her adult children’s refusal to speak to each other.
• A dear friend and her siblings grow weary from their efforts to help a parent with Alzheimer’s Disease.
• People I care about contemplate divorce and, though I spent years studying marriage counseling, I cannot heal their relationships.

             Our families cause us pain by the very nature of how important they are to us. We share any hurt they feel. In addition, loving them deeply opens us to vulnerability. Our intimacy creates countless ways that we can be injured. They know about certain of our weaknesses, or past wounds, and sometimes inflict pain with that knowledge.

            They know we were shy/awkward/a bully/mean/selfish/nerdy, etc., and often can’t realize we’ve grown beyond what we used to be. Being around family can wear away any confidence we’ve built. We need to remind ourselves of both our growth and our ability to continue to grow.

            Perhaps our past failings don’t haunt us now. Perhaps it’s the way our parents or siblings or classmates or neighbors treated us. Even Jesus had that problem: “Jesus said to them, ‘A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.’” Mark 6:4 (NASB)

            Our families are filled with imperfect people who make mistakes. Those mistakes damaged our confidence in our past and may continue to do so in our present. They were flawed people trying to overcome their own obstacles back then. Let’s refuse to allow their mistakes or their treatment of us to continue to affect us now. Let’s make a conscious choice to let go of the wounds, to realize the roles or labels our family gave us do not need to be maintained or accepted as true. Let the sweet satisfaction of liking who we now are replace the embarrassment or frustration or pain of the past.

 Let it go.

             For as difficult as our families can be, they are also some of our dearest blessings and sources of meaning of our lives. Think of our children. What a gift to the world! (Ok, those of you with preschoolers have my permission to use these 4 minutes for a nap. And if you have teenagers, you know deep down they still love you even when they roll their eyes, right?)

            Even if we aren’t blessed with children, we have relationships that we nurture with parents or spouses or the friends we consider family. If those relationships are more positive than negative, congratulate yourself!

 Here’s the answer to the age-old question, “What is the meaning of life?”

 It’s to learn to love.

             That’s what God wants from us: that we steadily learn to love him, others, and ourselves more deeply. He wants us to grow in love. And since he is love, he wants us to grow in him.

            Whenever we feel like life lacks meaning, we need to think of the people we love. That love itself gives our lives significance. And if we don’t have anyone to love, then it is time to connect to others who feel unloved. Be the one who shows them love. Reach out. Volunteer. I guarantee life will bloom with meaning.

            We talked before about how finding and following a passion gives our lives new momentum and builds confidence. However, we don’t need grand, extravagant actions to make our lives more consequential. It also can  be done in the few moments we take to send an encouraging email or letter. By humming to the baby while we change the messy diaper. When we smile through an elderly uncle’s repeat of his favorite story. Or maybe when we decide to forgive our spouse for the latest mistake without even mentioning it.

            Our lives become more meaningful every time we show love, and love-filled lives produce confidence.

From Passion to Action

Still unsure of your passion or calling?

      Some of us will have considered last week’s questions and still not have an answer for what our calling is. Elizabeth O’Connor in her book, “Cry Pain, Cry Hope,” writes, “Many times a person, unsure what her call in life is, will go from one mission to another. She gives each the gift of her energies for a time, but then she has to try others in an effort to discover the one that connects with something deep in herself and which can become for her, true vocation.”

     Some things to consider:

• You may already follow your call. Parenting, or caring for the elderly, or heading a huge project may be exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Do you already feel fulfilled by meaningful work or through creativity?
• Your calling may change over time. Young parenthood years may draw you a different direction than your empty nest stage or your retirement.
• Fear may be clouding your view of the path ahead.

      O’Connor quotes H.A.Williams in True Wilderness, “Fear, in the New Testament, is considered to be the root of all evil. It is fear which makes men selfish, it is fear which makes them hate, it is fear which makes them blind, it is fear which makes them mad. Fear casts out love, as love casts out fear. Which of the two therefore am I going to choose?”

     Over and over again in the Bible God exhorts us not to fear. See if you notice a common trend in these excerpts:

• “For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’”  Isaiah 41:13
• “O Jacob My servant, do not fear,” declares the LORD, “For I am with you.” Jeremiah 46:28  
• “The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?” Psalm 27:1
• “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 4:6-7

     Each verse takes our focus away from our fear and places it where it should be, on God. He says, “I will help you; I am with you; I am your light and salvation; My peace will guard.”

     We are working this Lent to overcome our fears and replace them with confidence. Not so we can be superstars at work. Not so we make more money or impress people. Rather, because when we are confident we refuse to let fear stop us. We are able to …

 Take action.

     Once you discover a gift, calling, or passion, take action! Commit to struggle, work, and perseverance. O’Connor forewarns us, “The identifying of gifts brings to the fore another large issue in our lives—the issue of commitment. Somehow if I name my gift and it is confirmed, I cannot “hang loose” in the same way. I would much rather be committed to God in the abstract than be committed to Him at the point of my gifts.  When one really becomes practical about gifts, they spell out responsibility and sacrifice.”

     Yes, responsibility and sacrifice are frightening, so we must take our fears to God in prayer. Acknowledge what the risks of this path are. What obstacles must be overcome? What must be sacrificed? Ponder and mull and brood about this calling, but take some sort of action. Seek out people who will support you as you undertake your work. Find someone who helps protect you from succumbing to the criticisms of others, or their jealousy, or your fear.

     Whatever inspiration you discover, take it to a higher level by taking it to God. Begin whatever passion calls you to do, whether taking a class or reaching out to others. If it is a work of art, either show beauty to others through your work, or point out areas that need attention to become beautiful. Let your creativity call others to change, to growth, to improving their little part of the world.

     I’ll leave you with a quote to mull over for the week:

     “The kind of work God usually calls you to is the kind of work that you need most to do and that the world most needs to have done…The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”– Frederick Buechner’s definition of “vocation” in his little book “Wishful Thinking 

 Prayers for you during this fifth week of Lent!

Betty Arrigotti