The Kindness Challenge

In previous years of advice to improve marriages, I’ve directed attention to Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn’s prolific research.

Since it is now 30 days to Easter, it’s a great time to recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s new book, The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve any Relationship. Her 30-Day Challenge is simple, though the whole book is worth reading and pondering. Though we will use her words to focus on our marriages, the same advice works with any relationship: teacher/student, employee/boss, parent/child, coworkers, etc.

Feldhahn says, “We cannot actually change someone else’s mind or heart. But God can. And I believe the great and mysterious superpower of kindness to soften a hard or angry heart is actually the outward evidence of God working behind the scenes.”

Here’s her prescription, based on years of research, surveys, and interviews.

For 30 days:

1. For women, and men prone to negativity: Say nothing negative about your spouse, either to them or about them to someone else. (If negative feedback is unavoidable be constructive and encouraging without a negative tone.)

Alternatively, for men: Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw. Give your wife your full attention in conversation for at least fifteen minutes a day. And when you are upset with each other, stay in the game five minutes past when you want to escape.

2. Every day, find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your beloved and tell them, and tell someone else.
3. Every day, do a small act of kindness or generosity for your spouse.

Sounds pretty straight forward, right? According to Feldhahn’s research, most relationships will improve through this trifecta of thought, word, and deed, whether your spouse knows you are doing this challenge or not. You will be a happier person and, by practicing kindness, will find it easier to increase in kindness. As a bonus, most spouses will respond by being kinder as well.

There’s your challenge for the remainder of Lent. If you are pressed for time you can stop reading here and focus on the above.

But if you are intrigued by these authors, here are more of their gems of wisdom from two books, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. (Generalization alert – of course there are many exceptions to everything in the books.)

• One of the most basic needs for men to be happy in a relationship is to feel their wife admires them. Men need to feel respected in order to feel loved. This is news to women, who would (in general) choose being loved over being admired. Of course, we all want both! But it becomes clearer as women read about this deep-seated need of men that our little sarcasms, our teasing in public, our seemingly insignificant put-downs devastate our men, though they would feel weak to admit it.
• Men often interpret women’s desire to control things as a sign of disrespect. What to women is simple reminding, to men comes across as criticism or distrust. They know what needs to be done but may simply place a different level of priority on it. When women ask a question to better understand their husband’s decisions, men perceive us to be questioning their judgment. As hard as it is for today’s women who have striven to be considered equals, men need us to defer to them sometimes. Men are highly sensitive to disrespect, even when none was intended.
• Men are doubly burdened. They feel a strong responsibility to provide for their families. Even in today’s world when women may contribute substantial income, men see the financial responsibility to be theirs. And not only must they provide enough income to give their families all they currently need, but also to provide a secure future. Add to that their second burden—a secret sense of inadequacy— and you may begin to understand that men are constantly stressed about their work. Though they love a new challenge, they hope they can figure it out before they are “found out” or humiliated. As confident as men may appear, most of them harbor a constant fear of being exposed as imposters.
• Men know that women value security, and to men security means financial strength. But what women mean by security is relational strength. A man may want to give his wife security, so he works long hours to promote job security. A woman may see this as a threat to the security of her relationship and interprets his absence as an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with her. If she encourages him to work less, he worries that he’ll be found inadequate at work and lose his job. If he continues to work extra hours, she will feel emotionally threatened.

Women, surrounded by our society’s emphasis on youth and beauty, battle their own insecurities.

• What women most deeply need in their relationships is reassurance of their man’s love. We are bombarded by media, and sadly by friends, of stories of men leaving their wives for other women. We’ve been told men are visual and we watch ourselves become less visually beautiful as our bodies sag from childbearing, our skin surrenders to wrinkles, and our hair turns grey or thins. We are afraid we will lose the men we love. We need reassurance every day that we are still the love of their life.
• Seventy percent of women reported that they think about the health of their relationship often or every day. This astounded men. When the relationship is under stress, most women feel like nothing else is right until it is resolved. Triggers for a woman’s insecurity include conflict, her husband’s withdrawal (the way men often respond to conflict), his silence (she may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong), absence, unresolved relationship issues, or exhaustion.

The deal is never done. Husbands must continue to woo the woman of their dreams, even when they think they have won her. Wives must continue to support their husbands by showing their deep-felt admiration.

Polarize or Grow?

Did you manage some carefree timelessness with your spouse this week? Go ahead and count what you did with your Valentine. And keep trying!

Today we will turn our attention to some of the writings of David Schnarch, from his book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships.

Do opposites attract?

When we first fell in love, didn’t our beloved seem exactly like us? We shared the same values, ideals, and hopes for the future. We found ourselves in agreement on nearly everything. We felt perfect for each other!

Have our honeymoon, rose-colored glasses dimmed a bit since then?

Schnarch would say we are perfect for each other, not because we’re the same, but precisely because our differences are so complementary. We tend to find life partners whose strengths complement our weaknesses and vice versa. For instance, where one of us feels comfortable with relating emotionally, the other focuses on the intellectual. One may be an extravert while the other is an introvert, or value logic while the first loves creativity.

Like a crucible that holds molten metal as it is refined, our marriages support us while we are forged into better people. Ideally, the Marriage Crucible of everyday struggles helps us learn from each other and grow in our weak areas. We’ll become well-rounded and more whole by adding the other’s perspective to our own.

Sadly, in most cases, we miss that opportunity. The husband sees his spouse excel at the nitty-gritty of finances, so he lets her take over those responsibilities. Or the wife sees him as a spiritual leader, so she focuses on the role of worldly thinker. One’s nurturing instincts are strong, so the other expects her or him to become the primary caretaker of the children.

We tend to polarize into more extreme versions of ourselves, and we lose admiration for our spouses’ differences. We begin to feel our strengths are more important than theirs. The logical thinker relinquishes desire to be creative and is irritated by the spouse’s “flightiness” or “immaturity.” Meanwhile, the creative spouse begins to see the logical spouse as boring or restrictive. I’m remembering Harold Higgins in My Fair Lady singing Lerner’s lyrics, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

Held in the confines of a committed relationship, resistance to growth can worsen until it feels intolerable. The irritation of daily interactions will force us to make a choice. We can give up and move on, looking for a relationship with someone new who is “just like us,” or we can tough it out and choose to round out our abilities, to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zones, while we are supported by our spouse and by our commitment to our marriage.

I know a couple with a newly retired husband, but the wife is still working. He, bless him, has taken over all that she used to do: cleaning, shopping, laundry, and cooking. When she comes home tired from work, dinner is ready. That wise couple is growing strong and flexible within the Marriage Crucible, and no doubt, he has gained great respect for all she previously accomplished. I hear she will retire later this year. I bet she will return the favor and take on many of his tasks.

In another book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak describes traits of the happiest couples, those in what he calls a Spiritual Peer Marriage. Both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life, and they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take the other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.

I believe if we aren’t growing, we are stagnating. If we aren’t becoming closer, we’re moving apart. But a marriage where both partners stretch to learn and develop remains fresh and exciting. Will we settle for less?

What does your spouse take care of that you could benefit from doing? How can you grow by learning from your beloved’s strengths?

Gentlemen, if your wife handles communication with your children, reach out to them yourself. If they are grown, call them up just to chat. You’ll be amazed at what it means to you and them.

Ladies, do we expect our husbands take care of things we’d rather not do? At my house it might be home and car maintenance and taxes. I really don’t want to change the car’s oil, but I could learn from him how to let little hurts roll off my back. And I really should tackle some of those phone calls that require assertiveness.

Choose one of your partner’s strengths that you’d like to develop and decide how to begin.

In the meantime, as a gift, do one task today that is usually your spouse’s responsibility.

Two Bible verses to ponder:

• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)
• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)

Thank you for investing four more minutes in your relationship!

Calm, Healthy Relationships

Although we certainly like excitement at times, we also crave calm within our relationships. Of course, how to keep gentleness, respect, and positivity in our daily experiences with our loved ones is a huge topic, not easily covered in a short blog post. However, we can revisit some basics.

FEELING COMFORTABLE ALONE

In Resisting Happiness, Matthew Kelly writes, “The fear of being alone is the father of many relationships that never should have been. When we choose to be with someone because we are afraid of being alone, we dishonor ourselves and the other person.” He goes on to say that the cure for loneliness is solitude. “Solitude teaches profound lessons, especially about ourselves. Feeling lonely has value. Sometimes we need to turn inward to discover what we need to hold on to and what we need to let go of. […] Until we learn to be comfortable alone—and more than that, to enjoy our own company— […] we are unconditionally unprepared to be in any kind of significant relationship with another person.”

So, once we learn to be comfortably alone and are ready for a lasting, healthy relationship, how do we choose a healthy beloved? We must search for partners who value our happiness as much as their own and are willing to sacrifice for us, as we would for them. There is no love without sacrifice.

DATING DEAL-BREAKER RED FLAGS:

• ADDICTIONS – These include substance abuse, such as alcohol or drugs, as well as gambling. You may love the person deeply, but until (s)he’s in recovery and has been for a long time, (s)he cannot love you enough to give you a happy, healthy relationship. (S)he hasn’t the free will required to commit fully to you.
• DISHONESTY – A person who does not respect the truth will lie to you as easily as you observe him or her lie to someone else. A healthy relationship relies on trust and this person cannot be trusted.
• UNFAITHFULNESS – As much as he or she declares love for you, if there is a history of cheating, you are naive to think you won’t be hurt the same way. Be grateful you learned about this character flaw before you married.
• UNCONTROLLED ANGER – If this person cannot control anger and strikes out in a way that hurts himself or someone else, run, don’t walk, away. Even though you have never seen the anger focused on you, you will. If people hurt others intentionally, even with words alone, they are not going to be part of a healthy relationship.
• DISRESPECT FOR YOUR FAITH – Our spirituality is an integral part of us. If it’s ridiculed, an important side of you is not respected. To be healthy, all relationships require mutual respect. Think ahead to how his or her opinion would influence your children and their faith life.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR – A person who wants to make all decisions and who doesn’t respect your independence and opinion is not a partner. The need to be in charge will intensify with time, possibly to the point of becoming abusive.

(If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.)

In any relationship, some conflict is inevitable. According to The Exceptional 7 Percent by Gregory K. Popcak, we can strive to—

FIGHT LIKE THE WORLD’S HAPPIEST COUPLES:

• The argument must move things along to a mutually satisfying solution.
• There are certain lines the couple simply doesn’t cross no matter how heated their discussion gets. Disallow anything that causes defensiveness or quickly escalates the argument.
• Maintain your own dignity. No matter how crazy you think your spouse is acting, you must be able to be proud of your own conduct at the end of the day.
• Is this an argument worth having? Is the fight about something that will stop you fulfilling your values, ideals, or goals?
• Begin with the end in mind. What changes will I have to make to solve this problem? What do I need to know from my spouse to feel better about this problem? What do I think needs to happen so we can avoid this in the future?
• Take time-outs to cool down if necessary. If you start to think your spouse is the problem, take a break to think more lovingly.
• Look for the positive intention behind your spouse’s negative behavior and work with your spouse to find more respectful alternatives to meet needs.
• Never show contempt whether through gestures or words. This always escalates the disagreement. One of the worst acts of contempt is threatening divorce. It undermines your spouse’s ability to trust you, damages the security of your relationship, and offends the dignity of your marriage.
• Don’t nag. Solve! Set a deadline for something to get done and if it doesn’t, call for help to get it done or do it yourself as an act of love. Your spouse’s help is a gift that should be freely given but, like any gift, you have no right to demand it.
• Don’t parent each other. Never deny what your spouse wants to do, but freely negotiate the how and when.
• L.O.V.E. Look for the positive intention. Omit contempt. Verify what was meant. Encourage each other throughout the conflict.

Unhealthy fighting can erode a relationship to the point of bitterness. Never let the “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” enter your marriage or they will work to end it. John Gottman and Nan Silver’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last, identifies these 4 destructive habits:

1. Criticism attacks the person. Complaints, on the other hand, are specific and about one behavior. They can enhance a relationship if spouses are open to growth.
2. Contempt attacks the person with an intent to hurt.
3. Defensiveness, or the poor-me stance, relinquishes our ability to accept the challenge of self-improvement for the sake of the ones we love.
4. When we want to turn our backs (stonewalling), we must keep turning back toward each other.

De-escalate a disagreement by reaffirming your admiration for your spouse, interjecting healthy humor, touching affectionately, stepping back to make a comment about your current feelings, or trying to look at things from your spouse’s point of view.

Wouldn’t we all enjoy calm relationships with our loved ones? The type that comes with easy interactions, interesting conversations, and mutual respect? Of course, disagreements are part of life, and no couple always relates with perfect love, but we can make improvements. Resolving to always behave with respect, no matter our feelings, can bring peace to a conflict.

Calm at Home and Work

For overwhelmed readers, I’ll make this easy to skim – mostly lists. Read down and mark which ideas strike home for you. Work on the one that seems most important. (How to break habits is a bonus for those who read all the way through.)

We can calm our home and work life through organization and limit-setting:

HOME/KIDS :

Organization

• Keep a family calendar that all can see and check it nightly.
• Every member can work together to share the responsibilities of family life. Delegate, especially to kids so they learn responsibility and grow in self-confidence.
• Declutter. A cluttered environment makes it hard to relax. Put away. Give away. Throw away. Simplify. Start with one room that you then maintain each time you leave it. You’ll be amazed how much more time you’ll want to spend in the tidy room. (Admission– I only manage to keep one room always tidy, but I love stepping into or walking past that room. I have hope the enjoyment will help me expand the pleasure.)
• Clear your desk and the dining and kitchen tables daily.
• Handle repetitive tasks right away rather than postpone them. Fold the clothes when they come out of the dryer. Put the dirty dish right into the dishwasher. Make the bed as you get out of it.

Boundaries

• No screens allowed at meals. Phones down at other agreed upon occasions, like during family time.
• Homework must be done before television or other entertainment screen time.
• Don’t automatically turn on the TV or radio. Choose consciously what you will watch and hear.
• Limit children’s activities (and your chauffeuring.) No one wants to be overextended, especially children.
• Limit your own commitments so you have a reasonable balance of work, play, and rest.
• Don’t allow shouting. And don’t shout. Let your home be a place of calm sounds.
• Enforce healthy bedtimes, study times, and family time. Structure is calming.
• Limit caffeine and stimulants, such as chocolate, coffee, tea, ice cream, some pain relievers, some cold medicines, and intense TV programs and video games.

WORK :

Organization

• Plan tomorrow’s tasks today. Prioritize by A, B, and C.
  • A – tasks are urgent. Do them first, but re-evaluate if you spend all day on urgency. Ignoring tasks can make them become urgent when they should have been dealt with earlier.
  • B – tasks are important. Do them next.
  • C – tasks are appealing. Use them as rewards after A and B are done.
• Delegate. Share your knowledge and train others to do what you do.
• See if you can find ways to work smarter, rather than harder.
• If you aren’t an organized person, take a class or ask for advice. Learn how to become organized.
• Get up earlier so that you don’t start your day rushing. (Which means go to bed earlier, too.)
• Self-discipline is critical. Do things ahead of time. Finish what you start. Don’t ignore the unpleasant tasks. If you are procrastinating, do the unpleasant first, then you don’t dread it all day.
• Clear your workspace before you leave. Even if it is to an “in process” drawer. You can start fresh tomorrow.

Boundaries

• Set goals. Don’t automatically put other’s goals ahead of your own. Be a team player, but be assertive about your own needs, too.
• If work is a source of stress that is unbearable, look for other options: talk to superiors or peers about managing and reducing stress, consider changing employers, or even the type of work you do, if necessary. Tackle the problem, don’t just accept it.
• If you cannot change your situation, you can change your attitude. Work hard all day but leave the worry behind when you leave work. Learn to not take others’ unkindness personally. Consciously start each day fresh, without brooding on yesterday or borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

POLITICAL CALM:

• Trust in God who is in charge. Pray for our city, state, country, and world.
• Listen to the other side. Strive to understand what got them to this point. What are their fears and struggles? Is there a way you can help them?
• Don’t respond from fear but from strength and with respect.
• Take action when you feel called to it, but use positive measures, not rebellion or belittling.

What if these changes don’t come naturally?

Aids to break/change/add a habit:

• Become more aware of what you want to change. When does it happen? What are the triggers? When is temptation the worst?
• Work at one change, intently, for at least 30 days and until you are successful before you redirect your attention.
• Remind yourself several times a day of the change you want. Use post-it notes, repeat your goal before each meal, or hang visuals of the change you’d like to see.
• Replace an old habit with something that can’t coexist with the old, like chewing gum rather than biting nails, or taking the dog for a walk rather than flopping into the recliner.
• Don’t try to change too much at once. Focus. Take baby steps.
• Remove temptation and triggers.
• Recall frequently the benefits of the change.
• Set a goal that is measurable and a time that is reasonable. I will (what), (when), (how often.)
• Break large changes down into small, doable steps.
• Join forces with someone. Be accountable to each other.
• Socialize with people who have the good habit you want.
• When you slip, get right back on track. Don’t condemn yourself and don’t give up.

Philippians 4: 6-8

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

The Eye of the Storm

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Find your calm.

Sometimes we have a right to feel overwhelmed. We are bombarded with responsibilities, or challenges, or trouble. It’s as if we are swept up in a tornado. At times like those, we need to strive to get to the eye of the storm. Some call it centering.

It doesn’t need to be for long, but for our health and sanity, we need to find a way to that peaceful place. Maybe you have a favorite place you can imagine that always makes you feel better: the ocean, a meadow, a mountain view, or on the shore of a lake. Picture yourself in that place and breathe slowly. Next picture God there with you. Just sit a moment with Him. Or talk to Him and tell Him how hard things are right now. Imagine sliding a huge backpack off and letting Him hold it for you.

I’ve heard doctors tell children to imagine a pain machine with all its lights lit. Then the children picture themselves turning down, one by one, the controls that reduce the pain. They watch the flashing lights slow, and one by one, go out.

Some people need to expend energy with a brisk walk or a fast run, or even jumping jacks right where they are. Some find that a particular type of music helps them detach from their escalating emotions.

I’ve heard of therapists who ask people in the throes of a panic attack to count 5 things they can see, then 4 that they can touch, then 3 that they can hear, then 2 that they can smell, and one they can taste. This reconnects people to where they are right now, rather than reliving a past trauma, or obsessing about a future what if.

We need to find ways to move ourselves out of a hurricane-like situation and into a place of calm. If you are a caretaker, you can’t stay there long, but even a few moments will help you feel better.

Even before we have mastered claiming some peacefulness for ourselves, it is possible to…

Be someone else’s calm.

As you learn to soothe yourself, you can become the eye of the storm for others. You can be a soft resting place, a source of encouragement, a soothing person to visit. This world desperately needs people who can bring calm and reason to a situation.

Where do you start?

Not by telling someone to calm down. Particularly in the work place, a man telling a woman to calm down can come across as very patronizing. There are times when anyone, man or woman, is justified to be passionate. Being told to calm down makes a person feel belittled.

Instead, stop and hear what the upset person is saying. Being thoroughly listened to can go a long way towards defusing a difficult situation. Even with children, a demand to calm down without an effort to acknowledge their frustration will only increase the upset. Yes, children need to learn to control themselves. Otherwise, their two-year-old tantrums will become a serious problem when they are teenagers. But hear what they are saying, teach them how to name their feelings, and then how to express them constructively.

Ask an obviously frightened person what needs to change to feel safe. If possible, help him or her change it.

Resist any temptation to judge or criticize. Enough people in the world are ready to pour negativity into others’ lives. A person must feel safe and respected before they can learn from your experience. For now, simply be their safe place. Simply the knowledge that someone else is nearby and willing to help can make a significant difference. Maybe later you can offer them advice or very gentle suggestions, but it won’t be accepted until you have their trust and they know you value them just as they are.

It is especially difficult to bring calm to a situation when someone is angry with you. Particularly someone you care deeply about. My Grandma used to say, “When people are the hardest to love is when they need love the most.” My first reaction to someone being angry at me is to be angry in return. Of course, that doesn’t accomplish much. Rather than the very human response of defensiveness, or worse, going on the offense, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for patience, and then, if it applies remind yourself how much you love this person. If not, try to remind yourself how much God loves this person. Delve beneath the anger for the underlying emotion of hurt, fear, or frustration. Sometimes simply acknowledging the cause of the anger can defuse the situation. “You were really frightened when you couldn’t get hold of me,” or “I hurt your feelings when I made a joke at your expense,” or “Yes, I can see how I caused you to be frustrated.”

Whether for our own actions or the simple unfairness of this world, offering a sincere, “I’m sorry,” can be the quiet eye of a storm for a person who is weather-beaten by more hardship than they can handle alone.

So strive to find your own calm, but sometimes it is even more important to help others find theirs. You might discover that helping others distracts you from your own worries, or makes you realize they are small by comparison.

Blessings!

Worry Free Living

This is our penultimate week of preparation for Easter. It’s also our next-to-last look at how to fight fear in our lives. I just listened to Chris Tomlin’s song, Whom Shall I Fear, with the line, “The God of angel armies is always by my side.” What more could we ask to uphold our courage?

The book we focus on this week is Worry Free Living, by Frank Minirth, M.D., Paul Meier, M.D., and Don Hawkins, Th.M.  Though it was published in 1989, it still holds great insight, and used copies are available on Amazon. Written by two psychiatrists and a minister, this book pulls together guidance for our minds and our hearts.

The authors believe we experience anxiety when we are afraid to look at a negative emotion inside us, such as, anger, guilt, lust, or resentment. The Holy Spirit uses anxiety to draw our attention to something that needs to be aired. Though we might not want to admit a hidden truth, we must uncover it, and forgive ourselves or someone else or ask for forgiveness, in order to rid ourselves of anxiety. Forgiveness involves becoming aware of our anger and then choosing not to hold the offense against the person, in order to unburden ourselves. We decide not to seek revenge or even dwell on the offense. We don’t lick our wounds.

As we’ve read from other authors, a little anxiety can be a good thing, if it helps us prepare or encourages us to work in order to dispel the worry. Too much anxiety can lead to defense mechanisms, phobias, mental disorders, addictions, physical complications, and spiritual hopelessness. Sometimes professional help is necessary, but the authors suggest steps of self-help can prevent or alleviate anxiety for most of us:

• Meditate daily, including meditation on Scripture.
• Condition yourself to relax, using a repetitive phrase (like our affirmations) or visualizing a beautiful place to calm yourself.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Talk through problems to vent the pressure with someone you trust, and listen to theirs, too
• Limit your worry to a 15-minute time slot and push aside worries until that time (As a parent, when my girls became highly anxious we would walk around the block once or twice, limiting our expressing-worry time to that walk.
• Live one day at a time, not thinking “what if” about the future, or “if only” about the past.
• Design an Action Plan. Do something to lessen your anxiety, for instance take an assertiveness class if you have trouble expressing your wants and needs.
• Cultivate awareness of God’s presence with you. (Our God of angel armies!)
• Decide to obey God, both to avoid guilt, a source of anxiety, and because He commands us not to worry.
• Replace worry with prayer.
• Give up faulty beliefs, like perfectionism or the necessity of winning approval from all.
• Adopt a healthy lifestyle in the areas of sleep, diet, recreation, and exercise.
• Examine your self-talk and replace the negative with positive. Replace a low self-image with a sense of your worth as a child of God.
• Grow in intimacy with others. Reach out, build healthy friendships. If you aren’t able to do this, then reach out to a counselor to help you learn how. A good friend offers love, peace, open communication, mutual improvement, and refreshment.
• Grow in intimacy with God through prayer, Scripture, and meditation. Since God is for us, who can be against?

I suspect each reader has methods they use to counter fear and anxiety. As we mature, we adopt methods of self-soothing. I tell myself, “I’m safe right now.” One reader emailed that she prays, “Jesus, I trust in You.” Another reminds herself to “claim my power” or “take control of my life”.

How do you fight fear?

The Gift of Fear

Last week we considered the idea of feeling fear and acting anyway by calling on courage. Though I want fear fighting to be the main focus of these Lenten emails, it would be imprudent not to bring balance to the idea.

In the book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker reminds us that sometimes fear is a blessing. He distinguishes fear from anxiety or worry or hesitation by stating that true fear is always response to an immediate danger or is connected to pain or death. It is an outpouring of our intuition—a word women are comfortable with but men might prefer to call a gut reaction—that excites us to action. De Becker pleads with us to not second guess or rationalize away such fear, but instead, trust our intuition and follow its guide because it results from our mind’s drive to survive. Even before we formulate thoughts about our senses’ stimuli, our brain has connected our past experiences to our current situation and determined if we are in danger. If so, it demands immediate action. Although on reflection a person might say, “I don’t know how I knew, I just knew I needed to…,” later that person will remember the danger signals that their reasoning ignored, but their survival instinct didn’t.

On the other hand, de Becker, like our other fear-fighting experts, wants us to reduce our worries and anxiety, claiming that we can overload our minds with worrying about what might happen and miss immediate, imminent danger.

“We all know there are plenty of reasons to fear people from time to time. The question is, what are those times? Far too many people are walking around in a constant state of vigilance, their intuition misinformed about what really poses danger. It needn’t be so. When you honor accurate intuition signals and evaluate them without denial (believing both the favorable or the unfavorable outcomes are possible), you need not be wary, for you will come to trust that you’ll be notified if there is something worthy of your attention. Fear will gain credibility because it won’t be applied wastefully. When you accept the survival signal as a welcome message and quickly evaluate the environment or situation, fear stops in an instant. Thus, trusting intuition is the opposite of living in fear.”

Precautions are healthy, but remaining in a constant state of fright is destructive and can lead to panic, which destroys our ability to react with reason. If we spend our lives looking for the expected danger, we will miss the unexpected threat.

Again, differentiating true fear from worry is important. Worry or anxiety keep us from acting. True fear propels us into action. It energizes and drives us away from danger.

“Worry, wariness, anxiety and concern all have a purpose, but they are not fear. So any time your dreaded outcome cannot be reasonably linked to pain or death and it isn’t a signal in the presence of danger, then it really shouldn’t be confused with fear. It may well be something worth trying to understand and manage, but worry will not bring solutions. It will more likely distract you from finding solutions….. Worry is the fear we manufacture—it is not authentic. It is a choice…. When you feel fear, listen. When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it. If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why.”

We might want to follow our line of worry to answer all our “what if’s” until we discover that our worry leads us to an imagined end that we really will survive and handle. “What if I fail this test? Then I’ll have to retake it. What if I fail the next one and the class? Then I can retake the class and study harder. What if I’m not smart enough to succeed in this line of study? Then I’ll change course. But I won’t die from failing this test. I will handle whatever comes.

Sometimes our intuition doesn’t scream, “Get out now!” Sometimes it comes as a suspicion, or a discomfort, or a sense that something isn’t right. Trust that sense and any such “gut feeling.” Don’t deny that danger might be present just because a stranger seems nice. Remind yourself he is still a stranger, no matter how he tries to win you with charm. Women especially are reminded to avoid the trap of not wanting to be rude. Not being nice, not giving a person who makes you uncomfortable any benefit of the doubt, is a survival skill. A truly good person will usually understand when you react with suspicion because he recognizes how you must protect yourself and not allow vulnerability. Even if he is insulted, isn’t that better than the opposite error of trusting someone you shouldn’t?

Honor that nudge of unease. Examine it. But when true fear demands action, don’t take time to think it through. If fear says, “Get out now!” then get out! You can later think about it and examine it all you want. True fear, remember, is either about what is imminently to happen, or it is about pain and death.

Our most famous quote about fear came from Franklin Roosevelt, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” De Becker would change that to, “There is nothing to fear unless and until you feel fear.”

De Becker recommends we not allow media to heap on us its daily doses of fright. I admire Mr. Rogers’ take on televised disasters. He reminds children to look for the helpers. Whenever people are in trouble other people come to help them. I’m reminded of the Boston marathon that ended because of two bomb explosions. Within seconds of the detonations, we saw people scrambling to help the fallen.

De Becker would say in times of danger, follow your intuition. Mr. Rogers would add, there will be helpers. And Susan Jeffers would conclude, “You can handle whatever comes.”

How was your week? Have you figured out which fears you would like to work on? Mine is a fear of disapproval, so I’m drawing on courage in order to send out my thoughts to so many people. (Meanwhile, a loved one is fighting fear that returned cancer will win, which puts my small worries into perspective.)

Not to back away from risk, but because I want to give you the advantage of an expert’s input, we will turn this week to the work of Susan Jeffers. In the book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway^®, (great title, right?) she inspires us to take brave action. Jeffers attained a PhD in Psychology from Columbia University and wrote several self-help books. Parents might know her from other accomplishments. She wrote and/or illustrated children’s books on horses, classic stories, and a little dog named McDuff.

Jeffers categorizes our fears into:

• Things that happen, like aging or accidents
• Things that require action, like giving speeches, making decisions or leaving a bad situation
• Damage to our ego and sense of well-being, like ridicule or fear of failure
• Feeling unable to handle whatever comes our way

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

1. Fear will always be present as long as we continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out… and do it.
4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

Since everyone is dealing with fear, but some do it more successfully, it must mean it isn’t danger paralyzing us, but rather our attitude. In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, we are encouraged to handle our fear from an attitude of power, rather than pain. We do this gradually, by intentionally moving away from pain, towards claiming our power. The author recommends we draw a line on a piece of paper with “Pain” at the left side and “Power” at the right. Each day we pin where we are on the line, with the intention of moving right toward Power.

Even our vocabulary can help us move into our strength:
Pain →——————————————–→ Power
I can’t ——————————————–→ I won’t
I should ——————————————→ I could
It’s not my fault ——————————-→ I’m totally responsible
I’s a problem ———————————–→ It’s an opportunity
I’m never satisfied —————————-→ I want to learn and grow
Life’s a struggle ——————————–→ Life’s an adventure
I hope ——————————————–→ I know
If only ——————————————–→ Next time
What will I do ———————————-→ I know I can handle it
It’s terrible ————————————–→ It’s a learning experience

To grow in confidence we need to do something daily that widens the space in our comfort zone. Each night we can plan the risk we are going to take the following day. For instance, call someone we are intimidated to call. Visualizing or practicing it makes it a bit less scary. As long as we are taking those risks that build our sense of self-worth, we are moving to the right on the Pain-to-Power chart.

Taking responsibility for our method of handling fear means:

• Never blaming others for anything we are being, doing or feeling
• Not blaming ourselves, but becoming aware of those circumstances in which we are not taking responsibility, so that we can eventually change
• Handling the Chatterbox – Replace that negative inner voice with love.
• Being aware of payoffs that keep us stuck. What do I gain from staying afraid? The comfort of not changing?
• Figuring out what we want in life and acting on it.
• Being aware of the multitude of choices we have in any given situation. Let’s pick the one that contributes the most to our aliveness and growth.

Psychology commonly accepts that our actions and thoughts are interdependent. We can increase our courage by either acting more confidently or by thinking more confidently. The former is the “fake it until you make it” strategy. The more bravely we behave, the more we see ourselves as brave, until we no longer are faking it, but actually become brave.

The latter, thinking more confidently, is where we take control of our negative, frightened inner voice. If our thoughts are negative and critical and fearful, our behavior will be less than our best. If our thoughts are positive, we will behave in a confident manner. This even works if we don’t, at first, believe our words. We can repeat positive thoughts, or affirmations, enough that we begin to believe them and, as a consequence, our actions evolve to prove them true.

Here is my favorite of Susan Jeffers’ affirmations:

I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVING AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR

Let’s repeat this (or your own affirmation) aloud at least 10 times a day for the next week. (I’m reminded of several rides in reckless foreign taxis when I closed my eyes and repeated, “I’m safe right now; I’m safe right now.” It really did help prevent panic.)

I highly recommend Susan Jeffers book, and also her website at www.susanjeffers.com where more self-help information and affirmations are available.

One of my favorite quotes from the book: “The less you need someone’s approval, the more you are able to love them.”

May you grow in courage this week!

Fighting Fear

This Lent we will pursue the topic of fear.

Why should we fight fear? Isn’t fear a good thing? Well, yes, sometimes. When there truly is a danger to us or others, fear is good if it inspires us to an action that prevents harm.

Not all fear is healthy. It can become debilitating and keep us from growing to our full potential.

Reasons to fight fear:

1.  Physical – Prolonged or frequent fear causes damage to our bodies. Excessive worry can negatively affect our sleep, appetite, concentration, or cause headaches, nausea, and muscle tension. Anxiety can trigger a stress response sending us into fight/flight/freeze mode and flooding our bodies with adrenaline. Stress hormones such as cortisol are released to raise blood sugar levels and provide fuel for dealing with perceived danger. If such anxiety happens chronically, If we don’t expend the energy with physical activity as we would if we were fleeing or fighting, the fuel builds up and can lead to a suppression of our immune system, digestive issues, artery disease, and even heart attacks.
2. Social – If we are afraid to take risks, we don’t reach out to others. We miss opportunities to build friendships or find our “one and only.” We may stay in relationships that are unhealthy, preferring what we know to the unknown, thinking we’d rather be with anyone than alone. Our careers may suffer if we don’t have the confidence to ask for help and seek out mentors.
3. Emotional – Fear keeps us from growth. Fear will always be present as we stretch and try new things, but if it keeps us from acting we will stagnate, rather than find joy in accomplishment and a sense of capability and self-confidence.
4. Intellectual – Learning something new requires admitting incompetence or ignorance and it can be frightening to not be good at something. But striving to better oneself intellectually is very brave. We will make mistakes but we will learn from them and grow.
5. Psychological – Fear grows if we don’t face it. What starts as a discomfort can become a full phobia if we don’t bravely take on our fears. Or a fear of one thing can generalize to fearing something else. I once realized I grew anxious each time I drove to a particularly challenging class. That generalized over time to being stressed when I drove to any class, and before long, every time I drove. Recognizing the unfoundedness of my fear helped me process it and move on.
6. Spiritual –God wants us to connect with him and with his other children. Fear blocks connection. His Saints realized this and overcame their fear. St. Francis de Sales wrote,

“The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.”

God’s Word, in both the Old and New Testaments, tells us over and over not to be afraid.  Why is that? Because fear can immobilize us. Because fear blocks love. Because fear shows a lack of trust in God who loves us and wants what is best for us. Here are just a few of God’s exhortations:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? Psalm 118:6

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Years ago our pastor asked in his homily, “What do you know, deep down, you should be doing, but you aren’t because you are afraid?” (These emails grew from that challenge.) Ask yourself now, “What do I know, deep down, I should be doing, but I am not because I’m afraid?” If something comes to mind immediately, hold on to that thought, but then ask yourself what else and see what comes to mind. If nothing specific surfaces, what do you suspect you should or wish you could set fear aside and do? You know courage isn’t the absence of fear, it is acting in the face of fear.

What do you fear?

• Something as concrete as a particular person, or an illness, or financial strife?
• Something more abstract like not living up to expectations or not being respected?
•  Something in the future, like the loss of a spouse or old age?
• Or maybe something from your past coming to light?

Is your fear reasonable and inspires you to prepare? Wanting a good grade in a difficult class might cause us to study harder. Needing enough money for retirement can encourage us to spend less now and save more. Or is the fear irrational and unlikely, but still very real to you?

For this week:

• Identify your fears and which you should fight.
• Understand that fear is human. We all experience it. However, giving in to fear keeps us from becoming the best we can be, from building the kingdom of God here on earth, from loving as deeply as we are able.
• Contemplate that God does not want us to be afraid. He promises to be with us throughout our challenges and to give us strength.
• Ponder that God loves us, wholly, completely, unconditionally, and always. He wants what is best for us.

With an ally like God, what or whom should we fear?

Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody

-- 
Betty Arrigotti
Author of Christian Love Stories:
  Hope and a Future (Oaktara 2010)
  Where Hope Leads (Oaktara 2012)

www.BettyArrigotti.com