Grandparents Praying

Pray for your own grandparenting.

We want to model the best attributes for our grandchildren. In the New Testament, Paul suggests older people be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, sound in faith, love, and endurance, reverent in the way they live, and teachers of what is good. (Titus 2:2-5) Not bad advice for any of us.

We can pray for physical strength to be good helpers, and spiritual strength to grow closer in our relationship with God. Ask for the Fruits of the Holy Spirit: charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, forbearance, gentleness, faith, modesty, self-control, and chastity, as well as the Gifts of the Spirit: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.

I think Joy is one of the best fruits for making our faith be attractive to those little ones (or not so little) looking up to us as role models. And when we are caretakers and feeling not as young as we used to, Patience is at the top of my list of requests.

Pray for your grandchildren.

• There are so many ways to pray for our loved ones. We talked earlier about going beyond asking God to keep them safe. We can and should ask God to guide them to grow closer to Him.
  • Place them in God’s care, perhaps through prayers to Jesus as the Infant of Prague. Looking at a statue of Jesus as a child reminds us that He experienced what they do and treasures them tenderly.
  • Mary, Jesus’ mother, is also their mother. Ask her intercession and know she loves them dearly.
  • When you are beyond being able to pray, try to breathe in God’s love and breathe out your fears.¹
  • Some grandparents keep a Prayer Journal or simply a page for each grandchild where they can write intentions specific to that child and record the ways those prayers have been answered.²
  • If older grandchildren have their own phones, send a text message occasionally saying that you are praying for them. Include specifics if they are facing a challenge. “Prayers that your final exams go well today.”

Pray in front of your grandchildren.

• Many of us find praying to be a very private thing, but our children and grandchildren need to see and hear us pray.
  • Many families pray a Rosary together before bed, or a decade of the Rosary if children are very small. Mary has promised the daily praying of the Rosary will bring grace, protection, armor against evil, flourishing of good works, God’s mercy, and a holy death.
  • Blessings before and after meals remind us that all we have is from God’s providence.
  • Going to church with your grandchildren can be a celebration beyond their normal attendance with their parents. Having you with them makes it even more special. Let them see how important the practice of your faith is to you.
  • Read the Bible and let them understand that God’s Word speaks to you.

Pray with your grandchildren.

An easy place to start with little ones is Pope Francis’ 5-Finger Prayer:

1.) The thumb is the closest finger to you. So start praying for those who are closest to you. They are the persons easiest to remember. To pray for our dear ones is a “Sweet Obligation.”
2.) The index finger is next. Pray for those who teach you, instruct you, and heal you. They need the support and wisdom to show direction to others. Always keep them in your prayers.
3.) The tallest finger reminds us of our leaders, the governors and those who have authority. They need God’s guidance.
4.) The fourth finger is the ring finger. Even though it may surprise you, it is our weakest finger. It should remind us to pray for the weakest, the sick, or those plagued by problems. They need your prayers.
5.) And finally, we have our smallest finger, the smallest of all. Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. When you are done praying for the other four groups, you will be able to see your own needs but in the proper perspective, and also you will be able to pray for your own needs in a better way.¹

Other ways to pray with your grandchildren:

• Before meals and bed, ask what they’d like to pray about. This is a wonderful time to hear about your grandchild’s concerns. Our family goes around the table at dinner and each person states a simple prayer request or something that makes them grateful.
• When you hear sirens, immediately ask aloud that God protect and help the person in need.
• Bless them before they leave. A quick prayer with your hand on their head or shoulder makes everyone feel special. “God, bless this child that you and I love dearly.”
• Sing children’s faith songs with your grandchildren. “Jesus loves me, this I know…” Give CDs or downloads to older grandchildren. Many inspirational groups make recordings of music that teens and young adults can enjoy.
• Help your younger grandchildren to memorize basic prayers and Bible verses but also…
• Teach them to talk to God just like we talk to each other.

Wednesday as I prepared to write this post, the readings for the day included an exhortation from Moses after he led his people out of Egypt amid miracles and wonders:

“However, take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and your children’s children.” (Deuteronomy 4:9)³

That quote and its timing felt like a personal nod from God. What little miracles or wonders have you experienced and could tell your grandchildren about?

If any suggestion above intrigued you, try that one today! See how the Spirit leads you to pray.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

Sources:

• ¹The Catholic Grandparents Handbook by Lorene Hanley Duquin
• ²Grandparenting with Grace by Larry E. McCall
• ³New American Bible (Revised Edition)

Grandparenting Challenges

Danger zones lurk for grandparenting today. You might be tempted to think, “Well, if it was good enough for my kids…,” but being willing to make some changes will help your children feel more comfortable about their little ones being with you.

Safety –

• We can all be open to doing things differently, especially if it protects our grandchildren. Accidents happen, but let’s do anything we can to avoid them.
• Babies are never put to bed on their tummies. If you are my age, we worried a baby on his or her back might spit up and choke, but doctors have found simply putting babies to bed on their backs can greatly reduce the chance of a SIDS death.
• Allowing no blankets (or any items) in the crib prevents entanglement or an older baby from being able to step up and fall out. Go ahead and quilt, knit, or crochet a special blanket; they can still be put down for floor time or wrap your precious bundle in your arms. By the time they toddle, they may even have adopted your gift as their security “lovey.”
• Most of the cribs we used for our children are considered unsafe, either from bars being spaced too widely and possibly trapping a baby, or a drop-side failing and causing a fall. Invest in something new.
• Find out if parents expect plates to be emptied at a meal. Some feel it leads to eating issues later.
• Helmets are an expected part of skating, or scooter and bike riding.
• Keep your medications out of sight, out of reach, and preferably locked away.
• Consider what is under your sink or in drawers or cabinets in bathrooms where young children might be left alone while they “try.”
• Mentally review your home. You might want to install baby gates, outlet covers, drawer locks, etc. Your children will appreciate your effort, and you’ll all rest easier during their visits.

Respect –

• Parents are the deciders. Follow their wishes whether it be sugar intake or talking about your religion. If they don’t want you to share your faith, don’t. You can still be prayer warriors for your children and grandchildren.
• Never bad-mouth or even subtly disapprove of your grandchildren’s parents or any relatives. Try not to disparage anyone, for that matter.
• Encourage the children to speak respectfully about and to their elders. Listen to their complaints and then give them more respectful ways to say what they think.
• Think back on things your grandparents said that would make you cringe to hear today. Some of our common phrases might now be seen as disrespectful. Ask your children what you say that they wish you wouldn’t. Even things that are meant innocently such as “Going Dutch,” can cause insult and shouldn’t be perpetuated.
• Grandparenting gives one an opportunity to interact without the challenge of discipline, assuming the parent is present to take that role. However, if you are babysitting, you are the substitute disciplinarian and should not try to be the friend. We aren’t doing the child any favors if we let bad behavior slip by uncorrected. That said, your earlier style of discipline may not be appreciated today. No spanking, even if your children “turned out fine.” Talk to the parents about what discipline measures they prefer, such as time out or lost privileges.
• It isn’t a competition with the other grandparents. Your grandchildren will still love you even if you can’t or choose not to afford to buy as many toys, clothes, or goodies as others do. Toys don’t last, but children will remember the quality time you spent with them. Our children can be easily overwhelmed by “stuff” even if wonderful gifts are so fun to buy! (Yes, I’m guilty here.)

Fairness –

• It isn’t unheard of that grandparents find they have favorite grandchildren. Perhaps they live closer and are seen more often, or their personality better fits with the grandparent’s. But it should never be obvious to the other grandchildren. Treat them all the same, whether with gifts or time and attention.
• Step-grandchildren should be loved and treated equally to those born to the family. It takes a little more work to get to know children who have joined the family by marriage, but they are worth it! Of course, the same goes for adopted grandchildren.
• If one set of grandchildren lives away, work to stay connected. This brings us to a common challenge, especially during COVID when over and over we hear grandparents say they miss their grandchildren’s hugs the most.

Distance –

• Learn to handle whatever way your grandchildren communicate best. Go with their choice. Text if they text. Call them on FaceTime if they have their own phones. Perhaps they prefer audio calls because they aren’t comfortable with seeing themselves onscreen. Have questions ready to ask. Email them a good joke you heard. Share what your day will hold and ask them about theirs. If you need help learning about technology, ask your children or grandchildren to teach you.
• Everyone still loves a personal letter. Write to them. Tell them about how you are filling your time when home, or about your work if you are still employed. But more importantly, ask them about their interests and friends and school.
• Send care packages. If you make the best cookies and they haven’t been able to travel since COVID began, you can be sure they’d love to receive some in the mail. If you send “just because” gifts, be sure to include something for each child.
• Have inexpensive items shipped to them so they know you are thinking about them, perhaps a book in a series they enjoy. Their parents can help with choices.
• Remember their important days: birthdays, recitals, game days, religious milestones, or first dates.
• When it is safe, go visit! Or if travelling is difficult for you, help finance them visiting you.

Communication –

• Encourage your children to be open with you about how you could improve your grandparenting. It might hurt your feelings, and it takes humility to accept that we need to change, but that’s what life is about. We strive to become better people and thus, we grow.

The real question . . . is not where our children are physically, or whom they are with at any given time, but rather where they are existentially, where they stand in terms of their convictions, goals, desires, and dreams. Pope Francis Amoris Laititia, 261

Praying for you this week!

Betty

Grandparenting as Ministry

What if the most important role of your life is still ahead of you? Have you ever considered grandparenting to be a ministry? We can elevate any activity to holiness if we lift it up to God. This idea can be especially true as we raise our grandparenthood from the realm of familial relationship to a service on God’s behalf.

In this society, many people think of their “golden years” as a time to enjoy themselves. Yet, our grandchildren give a sense of meaning to our later years beyond what golfing or travel can offer. The Bible supports this ministry:

He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which He commanded our ancestors to teach their children so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget His deeds but would keep His commands. (Psalm 78:5-7 NIV)

Grandparenting can be a vocation, like being single, married, or religious. A vocation is a call from God. Deuteronomy 4:9 says of the tenets of our faith:

Only be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

God wants us to share with our grandchildren what is closest to our hearts. Of course, parents are the primary instillers of faith, but the verse above reminds us we are also called! And this “bonus” parenting in our later years can be a gift! We aren’t burdened by the weight of responsibility that parenting entails. We are freer to relax and enjoy! As Proverbs 7 says, “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged.” And Psalm 145:3-4 declares: Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. We can be that generation that commends God’s works to our grandchildren.

During Catholic weddings, the priest blesses the couple, praying that they may live to see their children’s children. Our goal is to pray for and teach our children, and then their children, so that one day we may be together in heaven. I bet most of us already pray for our children and our grandchildren. I repeatedly ask God to keep them safe. But as I read more about grandparenting as a ministry, I realized I should be praying for more than safety in this life. I should be asking God to guide them, to fill their hearts with a desire to do His will, and to keep them close in relationship with Him. And I should also be praying for wisdom and strength to be the kind of grandparent who will gently help move them closer to Him.

Some parents prefer that the grandparents not share their faith with the children. We must respect their wishes but continue to pray for both the parents and the children that God will draw them close in ways we can’t. And we can live our lives as examples so that we are not a stumbling block to future faith. Though we do not verbally share our faith with the children out of respect for their parents’ wishes, the children are watching our examples. We certainly can and should share our values with them! No parent is going to object to teaching about honesty, integrity, service, etc.

But those of us whose children welcome our faith sharing have many roads open to us!

• Celebrate and hopefully attend the grandchildren’s milestones in faith, such as when they receive sacraments.
• Take them with us when we minister to others, such as in a soup kitchen, or when we drop off groceries at shelters or food closets.
• Read aloud appropriate scripture on Christmas or Easter or give the children their own Bibles or stories of saints.
• Attend church services together and wander through the church afterwards discussing its various areas and altars.
• Tell them stories about your faith life and about their parents as children when they participated in their religious heritage.
• If possible, financially support a week at a religious camp, or a year at Catholic School.
• Or bring all the cousins together at your home for a week of Cousin Camp where you can roast marshmallows, play games, watch movies you choose, or read Bible stories. Memories will last their lifetimes.
• If a week is too long, throw a cousin slumber party for a fun overnight that includes prayers and crafts relating to faith.
• Learn about youth ministry and consider yourself a youth minister to your family. (See The Strategic Grandparent book below.)

All of these ideas involve some planning ahead. To this point perhaps your grandparenting style hasn’t been a conscious decision. Maybe you emulated your grandparents’ approach or wanted to be very different from them. But now, thinking of yourself as a role model in faith or values, it is worth putting some time into planning activities, conversation starters, and purposeful gifts.

Grandparenting as a ministry can grow beyond activities, prayers, and support. It can become a way of life, a reason to improve ourselves so that we lead our grandchildren by example. I want to be the best person God created me to be, so that my grandchildren can look up to me and see someone worth emulating. I bet you do, too.

Personal note: I named this set of emails a few weeks ago, well before I knew that the sweet grandchild born this week would be named Grace! This certainly gives another meaning to Grandparenting with Grace!

Blessings on your week!

A Final Night Shift

A little Easter bonus…

Miriam walked in the dark along paths edged with budding rhododendrons, azaleas, and unspiraling ferns, beneath giant evergreens. She remembered warmly a little boy who had asked her to intercede for his mother as she lay near death after the birth of his tiny sister. Both mother and child had lived, and years later the boy, by then Father Ambrose Mayer, had built this Portland place of peace and refuge, the National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother, as a sign of his gratitude. Arriving at a stone grotto carved into a 100-foot basalt cliffside, she settled onto a kneeler before a white statue replica of Michelangelo’s Pietà that depicted Mary holding the body of her Son after His crucifixion.

Her thoughts focused on the statue and beyond it to her experience of that devastating moment. She ached anew with the anguish of holding her Son’s lifeless adult body upon her lap. But the pain didn’t stand alone, for alongside it was boundless gratitude for the sacrifice her Son had made to redeem all her children.

His was no quick death. He had suffered intensely on that final day: whipping, beating, humiliation, a piercing thorny crown shoved down upon his brow, dragging a heavy beam—not to be honed into something sturdy and functional like He and Joseph had built—but wood of torture and death, and then, oh then—she still could hear the terrible blows—the pounding of spikes to peg His hands and feet to the cross, His groans as the cross was lifted and dropped into its hole, the draining of His strength over three hours while she stayed within His gaze, before His forgiving words, His release of His Spirit, and the final thrust of a spear that confirmed He was dead.

She could feel the tears trailing her cheeks as they had countless times when she commemorated His suffering and death. She remembered following His footsteps on the Way of the Cross, or the Via Dolorosa, in order to ponder the mysteries of His death. She wept for the wounds people today continue to inflict on her Son: the commandments they break, their refusal to center their lives around the One who loves them, their selfishness that hurts the ones around them. She cried for the pain her beloved children experienced at the hands of her other, also-beloved children.

Yet, she forced herself to remember His resurrection! For as surely as He had died, He had also risen.

The dawning sun brightened the sky above the Grotto and drew her gaze heavenward. His resurrection was the culmination of those three agonizing days when her Son was lost to her.

He rose and returned to her!

At this thought, her soul leapt within her and her joy resurged. For as deep as her sorrow had been—and still was when she pondered His suffering—her joy was even greater. He lived! He had conquered not only death, but sin and evil. That was the purpose behind His suffering, and what a joyous gift it was to all who welcomed it, who welcomed Him into their hearts. The thought reminded Miriam of her countless children who do strive to follow God’s path.

Exultation encompassed Miriam, and she lifted her love to her God and thanked Him with her whole being. God—Father, Son, and Spirit—God was infinitely good. God was all Love, and she was entirely His. All her children were God’s, and she would work tirelessly for them to realize that, so they could share in her Joy.

A young priest passed behind Miriam on his way to celebrate the first Mass of the day. He had been struggling with depression and loneliness and had knelt a few feet behind the praying woman to ask God to give him strength.

He watched Miriam raise her arms and listened while she sang with great elation:

My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior…

for He has looked with favor on His humble servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed,

the Almighty has done great things for me,

and holy is His Name.

He has mercy on those who fear Him

in every generation.

He has shown the strength of His arm,

He has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,

and has lifted up the humble.

He has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich He has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of his servant Israel

for He has remembered his promise of mercy,

the promise He made to our fathers,

to Abraham and his children forever.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever.

Amen. Alleluia!

The sun crested the grotto edge, temporarily blinding the young priest. When he shaded his eyes with his hand, the woman was gone.

Yet, such ecstasy had risen in him as he overheard her words that simply recalling the experience overcame any emergence of darkness in his mood for all his remaining years of life.

6 Comfort the Sick

How might we comfort the sick, especially now that we must maintain our distance?

• Send flowers or fruit or candy.
• Write the ailing person a letter. Send a card.
• Bring soup, or a meal for the rest of the family.
• Donate for research to the Cancer Society or a similar foundation.
• Phone someone who is sick. Try FaceTime on a smart phone so they can see you, too.
• Or, when it is allowed, sit with them and offer comfort and encouragement.

Night Shift

Martha was a bit confused. Feeling muddled struck more and more often lately, but it certainly seemed that her favorite statue of Mary had climbed down off its shelf and was now sitting with her on her bed.

“What are you looking at?” Asked Miriam, pointing to papers in Martha’s hands.

“Results from a memory test I took,” Martha answered. “My children arranged it. They are arranging a lot of things lately.”

“They love you and worry about you. What do the results say?”

“Moderate dementia.” Martha shrugged. “I suppose it’s true. Lately I show up for things either at the wrong time or on the wrong day. I can’t remember all my grandchildren’s names, let alone the great-grandchildren. My son says I have four great-great grandchildren, but that can’t be true. I’m not that old.”

“What a Godsend to see your family grow!” Miriam said to the elderly woman. “One of the blessings in the Bible is to see your children’s children. Very few get to live long enough to see as many generations as you.”

“But now it seems I am outliving my mind. Losing important memories. And I suppose it will only get worse.” Martha set down the papers and removed her reading glasses. “Who am I, if not a collection of the memories of my life? Who will remember my story when I can’t?”

“The diseases of this life that slowly take away a person’s memories are certainly a sorrow. But you know the Father can turn even this to good.”

“What good can it possibly be to slowly stop knowing all I worked so many years to learn? What worth is there in the remainder of a life like that?”

“Martha,” Miriam said softly, “isn’t a newborn’s life a precious treasure, even though he or she holds no memories?”

Martha scowled, suspecting where this line of thought was going, so Miriam continued. “That little bundle of joy and demands can teach a parent to discover what it is to love unconditionally, even though the newborn gives nothing in return, not even a smile until it is older.”

The statue-now-woman looked intently into Martha’s eyes. “We don’t understand all God’s ways, or how He works all things for good, even devastating things like this, but perhaps He is giving your family and friends and caretakers a gift by allowing them to serve you.”

“I don’t want to be a burden to anyone! I want to continue to be useful, to help people!” Martha would have stomped her foot if she hadn’t been sitting on her bed where her feet didn’t reach the floor.

“And bless you for that desire. But believe me, as difficult as the time ahead may be for everyone, eventually your family will look back and count your final days with them as a blessing. Yes, they will be sad if you reach a point when you don’t know who they are anymore, but they will know you! They will carry the memories of you as precious gifts. And have faith; you will rise whole and healthy again in the next life. This suffering is temporary, and your reward will be immeasurable and permanent!”

Martha sighed. “Aging seems to be a tiresome series of letting go, one thing after another. I miss my own home, and yes, I’m grateful, of course, that my son has taken me into his home, but I miss my healthy, flexible body. I miss being able to eat whatever I wanted before I had to start watching my salt intake, my cholesterol levels, or my blood sugar. I miss driving! Must I really let go of my memories, too?”

“Only God knows what lies ahead, but I promise you, He is good: all loving, all merciful, all wise. He will be with you.”

Martha nodded. Yes, there was comfort in that, knowing He would be with her, even if she no longer knew Him. She bowed her head—and her will—and did what she had done many times before. She placed herself in His hands and her life at His disposal. With that came peace.

When she looked up again, she laughed to see her Mary statue back on the shelf, with the same serene face she always wore. Had her statue truly climbed down and joined her on her bed? Maybe it didn’t matter. Her future might not always allow her to tell what was real and what wasn’t, but Martha knew that tonight’s message touched her heart with profound truth.

(Excerpt from my Miriam’s Joy!)

May God bless your week and protect your health.

5 Shelter the Homeless

How might we Shelter the Homeless?

• Donate to safe houses.
• Host a foreign exchange student.
• Sponsor a fundraiser for shelters.
• Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity.
• Become a foster parent or consider adoption.
• Offer to do repair work for a neighbor in need.
• Welcome a person in transition to live with you for a while.
• Or, drive someone to safety…

Night Shift

In a different part of town, Miriam parked a borrowed minivan in front of a house, just as a young woman fled out its door, carrying a baby about six months old. An angry man was not far behind the woman, raising a crowbar and screaming, “You get back here, or I swear I’ll kill you both!”

Miriam reached across the seat and opened the passenger’s door and called, “Tiana, jump in!”

Tiana did, slammed the car door behind her, and Miriam sped away, leaving an irate man screaming in the street. He threw the crowbar like a javelin, but it missed its target.

After several turns, and when both women were sure they weren’t followed, Miriam parked long enough for Tiana to strap her daughter into the baby seat in the back. As soon as she was back in the minivan, Miriam began driving again.

Tiana said, “Thank you, Jesus, for putting as much distance between me and that man as we can.” Then she really looked at Miriam. “Who are you? I thought you were my mother. Your voice sounded just like hers, or I might not have jumped into your car. How did you know I needed you right then?”

Miriam, with skin darker than Tiana’s and dressed like older women from the islands, smiled a bright white smile. “Child, my name is Miriam, and I guess I was in the right place at the right time, praise God. Was that your husband?”

“Well, he’s my daughter’s father. He’s not that bad most of the time.” She sounded defensive and then softened her voice. “And I love him.”

“Mmm hmm,” Miriam said, and her tone spoke volumes.

“I do, God help me, I do,” said Tiana.

“Love is one thing, and safety is another,” said Miriam. “Men can forfeit the right to be with their families by hurting women or children. Your little Jayda, there, depends on you to keep her safe.”

“I’d never let him hurt her!”

“You wouldn’t mean to, but his anger seems unpredictable and out of control.”

“Usually I can see it coming, but not always,” she admitted. “Sometimes it isn’t me he’s angry with at all, but I’m the one who’s available.”

“Tiana, you would give your life for this baby, am I right?”

Tiana turned to check on her daughter in the backseat. “Absolutely.”

“Then for now, you need to sacrifice your feelings for her daddy and protect her. He’s wounded and you can’t fix him, but it’s possible that losing you two might be just what he needs to make him get help. Promise me you won’t go back to him until someone professional assures you he’s done the work and can control his temper. Will you promise me that?”

“But where will I go in the meantime?”

Miriam pulled the minivan in front of an ordinary looking, but large house and parked. “Promise me?”

Tiana looked back at her baby, who was now sweetly snoring in the car seat. “Yes, ma’am. I promise.”

This is a safe house. They are expecting you and will help you both along the way.”

“But…” Tiana shook her head in confusion. “How did you know?”

“Your mama’s been talking to me, child. Now scoot! Off you go.”

Tiana climbed out of the car, lifted Jayda out of the car seat, and hesitated before closing the door.

“Know you are very, very loved,” said Miriam.

“Thank you,” said Tiana with a nod. Then she closed the car door with a quiet click, straightened her back, and walked up to the home. Before she even knocked, the door swung open to her future.

(Excerpted from my Miriam’s Joy!)

Obstacles to Change

This weekend I heard the best quote!

“In Essentials Unity, In Non-Essentials Liberty, In All Things Charity.” Seems like a good motto for these divisive political times, especially, “In all things Charity!”

That’s a step aside from our discussion of acting from our Best Selves, though certainly not contradictory. But there’s much to cover so let’s return to Mike Bayer in his book, Best Self: Be You Only Better.

Identifying Your Obstacles –

What keeps us from changing for the better?

Fear. Yes, fear keeps us locked into old patterns. The first step to fighting our fears is to identify them, as many as possible. What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life? What triggers those fears? Is there a common theme to your fears? Perhaps fear of what others think? Fear of failure?

Put your fears to the test. Are they true? Do they serve your best interests? Do they generate progress toward healthy goals? If not true, there’s no use giving those fears any power. If they don’t serve your best interest, let them go. If they don’t move you toward your goals, fight fear with faith—in yourself and in God.

If they are true and reasonable, plan a strategy that reduces or eliminates your fear. Perhaps you need self-affirmations. Perhaps you need to set goals to counter your fears, like saving enough money to not be financially afraid to try a new path. Face your fears down!

Ego. Do you feel inadequate deep down, and then act in unpleasant ways to cover up that lack? Are you defensive, a right fighter, a boaster, a revenge seeker, possessive, a gossip, vain, dishonest, a bully, or a perceived victim? These are coverups for lacking a sense of being enough, just the way you are. They get in the way of true growth.

One strategy is to stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your own situation. Blaming others takes away your power to improve the situation.

My favorite quote in this section of the book was, “When you turn off the news, you should feel more educated, not more inflamed.” Be careful of what input you allow in your life!

Routine. Are you too busy to focus on change? Ask yourself when considering new commitments, is this realistic for me, and will it make it easier for me to tap into who I really am?

Start the day in charge – get up a bit earlier and plan your day.

Take time to list what you have to be grateful for.

Find rituals that work for you and reaffirm you!

Find a mantra to remind yourself of your abilities, like “I got this!” or “God is with me!” or “I can do more than I think I can!”

Now that we have looked at ways to improve ourselves internally, we are ready to tackle the external areas awaiting growth. We don’t need to focus on all of them, because an improvement in one sphere can positively influence all the others, but it helps to do a self-assessment in each of the seven categories. For today, we’ll look at the first two of seven spheres. The book, of course, studies each area in depth, and I recommend getting the book if this summary intrigues you.

• Social Life – “Don’t run from your emotions or from the feelings of others; instead, embrace them and use them to deepen your relationship with yourself and the people within your orbit.” How are you at:
  • Sending clear messages? If you suspect social anxiety can affect this, consulting with a good therapist or life coach may be a useful tactic.
  • Listening? Can you focus on the other, or are you too focused on what you want to say?
  • Giving and receiving feedback? This is how we help one another improve. Bayer suggests, “…present the information in a way that is gentle, caring, and solution oriented, and only after you’ve made sure they are open to hearing it, then your feedback can be helpful…”
  • Handling emotional interactions? (Betty here, “Ack! I’d like to do a Chicken Little and hide rather than tackle difficult conversations.”) Bayer says, “Being outside of your comfort zone is really just an opportunity to connect more deeply with your authenticity and with another person. […] But it’s important to realize that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. You are only responsible for your own.”

• Personal Life – Take care of yourself first, so you have surplus for others.
  • Attend to your inner dialogue. Often the negative messages we heard as a child continue to play in our heads. Are you gentle and positive toward yourself? Coach yourself to reinforce your intelligence, your competence, your skills, your worth, and your appearance with messages of positivity.
  • Self-care is not selfish, it is compassionate toward yourself. Work to manage your stress. Calm yourself with deep breaths. Get daily exercise that you enjoy. Celebrate yourself by having some fun or helping others. Sleep regular hours and don’t skimp! Unplug from technology for some time every day. Find a way to relax with prayer, meditation, yoga, etc.
  • Passions! Find what energizes you and do it! Maybe it will be quiet creativity. Maybe it will be time with good friends. Maybe it will lead to a new career in a new area!
  • Pain – If you are in emotional pain, whether from rejection or loss, be assured you are not alone and that what you are feeling now, though so powerful, will subside. Accept all the comfort that is offered to you and seek out the help you need.

Only two weeks of Lent left! There’s still time to really focus on making this a season of growth. May God guide you!

Our Mission

Last week we talked about finding what you love, living what you believe, and using self-discipline to achieve our goals. If you are struggling to make progress, it might help to write your goal on a note you can see several times a day.

This week we will look at three more of Matthew Kelly’s lessons toward a better self, from his book Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You. We are hearing more and more about decluttering lately. Marie Kondo is helping people declutter with her book and her Netflix series. Our pastor is focusing on decluttering spiritually during Lent. Simplifying our lives makes room for growth and has been recommended by many great spiritual guides. In today’s society, few people live simple lives. More and more, complication seems to be the norm. But is that what we want?

Our purpose is to be the best-version-of ourselves, the person God created us to be.

In order to do that, we will need to focus on our values, on what is most important to us. We must simplify our lives enough to be able to spend some time in silence and solitude. We need to say no to requests that steal our time and overcrowd our lives. Kelly reminds us, “You have to find your place in the grand scheme of life, but you will not find it by busying yourself with a million things that were not intended for you.” If someone asks you to do something, take time to answer. Ask yourself what your motives would be for doing what they ask, and whether it is the best use of your time. Would the activity make you a better version of yourself? Or help others to be the best versions of themselves?

Once we make time to think and pray, we can analyze what our true motives are, and what we would like them to be. What makes us do what we do? Is it fear? Maybe the fear of not pleasing everyone? Wouldn’t we rather make decisions based on strength and faith? With choices made based on doing the right thing, clarity will follow, and decisions will be much easier.

More ideas for simplifying:

• Learn to enjoy things without having to own (and then take care of) them.
• Unplug your television for a week. Or a month. Read more. Talk to people more. Evaluate TV’s effect before you plug back in. Take control of its influence on your family.
• Seek happiness through contributing to the lives of others, rather than through things. Things only have value if they make us better people, or help others reach their potential.
• Simplifying your outer life brings clarity to your inner life.

Once you have more clarity, you can ask, what is my mission? What am I called to contribute to this world? Write down everything that comes to mind, large and small, from contributing to your family to an area of creativity that brings good to others. Our mission is driven by the needs of others and our need to serve; it is “a meeting between self and service.” It is where “our talents and passions collide with the needs of others and the world.” Frederick Buechner writes our mission is “the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.” It is to do… what we can, where we can, right now, to make the world better.

How do we find our mission? Kelly asserts, “By using the moments of each day to become the best-version-of-ourselves, by doing all the good things we feel inspired to do where we are right now, by investigating and developing our unique talents and deepest desires, and by listening to the voice of God in our lives.” No small order, but we only need to take baby steps. Now. The Holy Spirit leads us step-by-step, but only as we take each step.

“The greatest shift in most of our lives will take place when we decide to make ourselves radically available to serve.”

I liked this sentence in Kelly’s book: “Every time we encounter a person, we should give them a gift.” Whether it is a word of encouragement, or simply our focused attention and a smile, we can remind ourselves we are here to serve. Yet, to be most effective, we must balance service with our own needs, be they physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual.

We mustn’t let our fears and worries detract from our service. Kelly reminds us, “We are afraid because we don’t know how things are going to work out, but things are going to work out.” Look back on the things you have worried about. Didn’t they work out? Every problem that comes into our lives can teach us a lesson, strengthen a virtue, and build our character. We need to increase our faith that “God loves us, will provide for us, and most of all, that he has saved us.”

Turn to silence and solitude. God speaks to us there. He shows us where the good is in difficult situations. He leads us to “patiently seek the good in everyone and everything.” Look for what you agree on within an argument, before tackling where you differ in opinion. Seek the good in others, and also in yourself.

In summary, the final steps in Kelly’s book are:

• Simplify
• Focus on what you are here to give
• Patiently seek the good in everyone and everything

Next week we will begin to study Best Self, by Mike Bayer. In the meantime, let’s try each day to do one good thing that we don’t want to do.

Your Best Self

Welcome back to our Lenten series, 4 Minutes 4 Growth. This season we will discuss two books that both encourage us to become our best selves: Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, by Matthew Kelly, and Best Self – Be You, Only Better, by Dr. Phil McGraw’s friend, life coach Mike Bayer. They both deal with the difficulty we have changing ourselves, even when we know how much better we would be if we did.

Kelly asks, “Are you happy?” and then adds, “[…] The first thing I learned is that you will never be happy pretending to be someone other than the person God created you to be. […] Only one thing can be reasonably asked of you: that you be yourself.”

Kelly asserts we’ve been raised with the lie that we can do anything we set our minds to. We can’t grow up to be anything we want to be. But better yet, we can develop our strengths and talents to be what God intends us to be: Perfectly our imperfect selves. God has created each of us to be unique, for a unique purpose in this life. We’ve been given certain talents, or life experiences that have taught us certain truths, and though we don’t receive every talent and life hasn’t taught us every truth, if we strive to be our best self, we will fulfill the purpose God intended us for.

To grow towards our best self, both authors encourage us to look at our strengths and also our weaknesses. We need to honestly discern which weaknesses are simply part of who we are, and which are areas that deserve effort to improve. We need to celebrate who we are and not try to be something we are not best suited to be. For instance, I am a strong introvert and shouldn’t expect to ever become an extravert. My quiet introspection is a part of me that I value. But I do have many areas in my life that I’d like to and can improve upon, such as my overactive sweet tooth, or my failure to keep things tidy, or an overly critical side of me that I always have to battle. Kelly says the challenge for each of us is to “strive to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and God-given talents.”

With every decision we need to ask which option would lead us toward being the best version of ourselves. Our choices need to be determined by the side of us that is our best self. Though we won’t do this perfectly and always, allowing our best side to lead us will move us toward becoming overall, a better self. “The-best-version-of-yourself isn’t something we strive for and never achieve. It is something we achieve in some moments and not in others.”

Mike Bayer believes we have many spheres where we can improve. In fact, he uses the acronym SPHERES to list them: Social, Personal, Health, Education, Relationships, Employment, and Spiritual Development. Most of us can improve in each of those areas, and we could set goals for every sphere. We will discuss the categories again later, but to focus now, let’s pick one area. Kelly recommends we ask ourselves what one change in our lives would make the biggest difference in moving us towards our best selves. “What is the one thing about yourself that would most radically improve your life if you changed it?” He recommends focusing on growing in one virtue: honesty, patience, moderation, kindness, humility, courage, perseverance, compassion, hope, charity, generosity, wisdom, gentleness… Growing in one area will naturally improve other areas.

No doubt you, like me, have tried to make a change for the better in some area of your life and have failed. Repeatedly.

Kelly says we set ourselves up for failure if we don’t focus on our progress rather than on our setbacks. In the past when we’ve failed, we may have tended to sink into negative self-talk about how we will never be any better. This sets up a pattern of defeat and, before long, we stop trying. We forget that we are treasured children of the God who forgives constantly and gives us the graces we need to succeed. Instead of dwelling on our failures, we should learn from them and then consider them steps toward success. We must consciously congratulate ourselves on our small successes and celebrate our progress.

Or perhaps we fail because we give in to temporary pleasure rather than allow our virtues to go the distance for real happiness. Pleasure lasts only while we do that which gives pleasure. Happiness endures beyond the experience. Cake is great, but only while you eat it. Giving someone a gift can be enjoyed each time you remember doing it. Living right by listening to the quiet voice within us and choosing to do the next right thing will lead us to enduring happiness rather than transient pleasure. In short, rather than increasing our possessions, we need to increase our virtues to live a meaningful life.

Kelly says, “…we keep telling ourselves that when we get what we want, and enough of what we want, then we will be happy. The reason it doesn’t work is because you simply never can get enough of what you don’t really need.” Ecclesiastes agrees, “Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.” (Verse 5:10)

So, this beginning week of Lent,

What change could make the best difference in our lives?

Let’s start by choosing to do the next right thing, focusing on our successes rather than our failures, in our attempt to grow in character to attain true happiness.

Blessings on your week.

My books have arrived!

If you live in Portland and want a copy of my new novel, I can deliver it next week. They are $12 or $15 if I mail to you. (Amazon with free shipping is cheaper if you are a Prime member.) Another option is to support the Women’s Club and buy one at the St. Pius X Bazaar November 3-5.

What does it mean to be spiritual? Can we love God, but just tolerate our neighbor? My germaphobe hero struggles with these questions, but doesn’t expect a street girl to be the one who can help him answer them.