Gratitude Attitude & Grandma’s Platitudes

When I first began writing fiction, I was told I didn’t include enough conflict in my stories. As a mother of four, I spent much of my day trying to reduce conflict. Eventually I realized that people identify with a story when the protagonists, through the trouble that comes their way, learn to face their weaknesses and grow enough to overcome their darkest moments and (ta-da!) save the day.

Real life isn’t too different from stories in that respect. It is through our hard times that we develop character. We’d rather not suffer. We’d like to avoid all pain, for ourselves and our loved ones, but we wouldn’t learn and grow without challenges.

In most of my 4 Minutes emails I give information that professionals have researched and advised, but today, I am turning to another kind of expert. Our grandparents have lived through their share of difficult times, and we can learn from their hard-won wisdom. So, I’m falling back on some of Grandma’s platitudes.

As a child when I’d complain, (okay, when I’d whiiiiine) Grandma would remind me, “Be thankful for what you have!” What is the best (and perhaps hardest) thing to do when times are very difficult? Choose a gratitude attitude.

• I may not have as much money as I want, but thank you, God, that I have enough for today. (And enough that I can share with those who have less?)
• I may feel desperately lonely, but thank you, God, for loving me always. (And for all the people who have loved me.)
• I may not be as healthy as I was, but thank you, God, that I can breathe. (If I can do more, like see/hear/walk/move, I am blessed indeed).
• I may be confused about my future, but thank you, God, that I can think. (And pray and analyze and read and make decisions.)
• I may feel stressed to the point of breaking, but thank you, God, that you know and care and want me to rest in you.

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Grandma would also say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is a little hard to take, especially when you’re the one in crisis and the person quoting it isn’t. Actually, at some point a crisis really might kill us, so this scarcely seems comforting. However, it is true that hard times force us to grow and become tougher than we were when times were easy.

I remember crying on my Grandma’s lap. As she rocked me, she would remind me, “This too shall pass.” Or she might quote one of her favorite prayers: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Neibuhr (When she learned AA uses this prayer, she was mortified to think someone might suppose she learned it there.)

Along with working to change what we can, she’d say we must “Pray as though everything depends on God and work as though everything depends on you.” Grandma had total faith in God, as well as a work ethic that kept her from waiting for an answer without doing her part. God will help us. Sometimes, rather than taking away our pain, He will give us the inner resources we need to succeed despite the pain. Or He will send us help. Are we trying to get through this time all alone? Reaching out to others may be part of “working as if everything depended on us.” Allowing someone who is not in crisis to help can be a gift to them, for they receive the blessings and joy of service.

It is especially difficult to bring calm to a situation when someone is angry with you, particularly someone you care for deeply. My Grandma used to say, “When people are the hardest to love, is when they need love the most.” (I tried to tell myself this when my daughters were mid-temper tantrum.) My first reaction to someone being angry at me is to be angry in return. Of course, that doesn’t accomplish much. Rather than the very human response of defensiveness, or worse, going on the offense, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for patience, and then remind yourself how much you love this person. Or if you aren’t feeling very loving at the moment, try to remind yourself how much God loves this person. 

Another way Grandma would counsel me to deal with critical people would be to say, “Consider the source.” She meant, is it really that important what they think? Does their life experience color their opinion? Are they the right people to rely on for judgment?

One thing we can count on—we will be given “opportunities for growth.” Life will be hard and sometimes all we can control is our reaction and our attitude. But therein lies our strength.

The final quote I leave with you is not from Grandma, but rather from God himself:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Rest in God for 15 seconds. Close your eyes. Breathe in your thanks and breathe out your fears. Then either hug or say a prayer for your grandma!

Blessings on your week.

Betty Arrigotti

PS – Other posts about “Hard Times” can be found at www.BettyArrigotti.com. See the links in the column on the right edge of the home page.

Grandparenting Support & Summary

Behind in reading these Lenten posts? I’ll include a quick summary of highlights below. But first, a short discussion of grandparents and support.

Support

Sometimes grandparenting involves unexpected circumstances. On Monday, one of our grandchildren needed to be admitted at the hospital. That evening, her siblings came to stay with us for a couple of nights. We always love having them but had started a huge project in several rooms, so first worked to get the house ready, putting away temptations and making up beds. Then we focused on thoroughly enjoying the time we shared. The hospital stay is over, with the best of possible outcomes, and the children have gone home. What we thought might be a quick socially-distanced outdoor visit during Easter weekend turned into an extended in-home Holy Week gift of time. I think God laughs at our carefully made plans and occasionally treats us to more than we had hoped.

We were blessed to be a support system for our daughter’s family in her time of need. Her sisters became a support for us as one ran errands to help out, and another sent ideas to entertain the little ones. We all, occasionally, need to support or be supported. Letting someone help you when you need it is a gift to them. They can feel the joy of doing a good deed. Why would we deny someone the chance to be a giver? Don’t rob people of the blessing that comes from helping others.

We can be resources for other grandparents and encourage them with ideas or experiences that have worked for us. Please leave comments if you have fun grandparenting ideas or tips to overcome challenges.

Summary of Earlier Grandparenting Highlights by Week

1. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a treasure. We can love and support our grandchildren without the parental responsibility of discipline and the worry for their future. We can simply enjoy who they are now. Our hard-won wisdom and experience can be used to assist their parents, when requested.
2. Grandparenting well can be seen as a ministry, whether you pass on your faith overtly, or through your example of living your values. Let’s become the best people God created us to be, so that our grandchildren can look up to us and see someone worth emulating.
3. Challenges come with grandparenting, from distance, to changing times, to welcoming blended families. Make the effort to stay connected, to support your children in their parenting styles, and to treat all the grandchildren equitably, whether born into your family or welcomed later. Keep communication open so trouble spots can be dealt with graciously.
4. Pray for your grandchildren, pray in front of your grandchildren, and pray with your grandchildren, with your children’s permission.
5. We grandparents are the historians and storytellers for our grandchildren. We are their connection to the past. Delight them with stories of their younger years, their parents as children, and your own childhood.
6. Listen well to your grandchildren, gifting them with your full attention. Model being a forgiving person. Forgive them, their parents, and yourself. Be quick to ask for forgiveness when you are wrong.
7. Be readily willing to help your children and grandchildren. Accept assistance from them graciously. Be supportive of other grandparents.

Pope Francis recently announced the institution of World Day for Grandparents and the Elderly, which will take place each year on the fourth Sunday in July, close to the feast of Sts. Joachim and Anne, the grandparents of Jesus. Pope Francis said, “The Holy Spirit even today stirs up thoughts and words of wisdom in the elderly. The voice of the elderly is precious, because it sings the praises of God and preserves the roots of the peoples.” The Holy Father said he instituted the World Day of Grandparents and the Elderly because “grandparents are often forgotten, and we forget this wealth of preserving roots and passing on” what the elderly have received.

Blessed Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday! May we be a resurrection people. Resurrection originally meant to stand up or rise again. May we stand up for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for those who need our support. May we stand against evil. May we rise to Love!

Betty

Grandparents – Listening and Forgiveness

6. Grandparents – Listening & Forgiveness

Listening

One of the blessings of grandparenting, especially after retirement, is we have the gift of time. We are able to stop and listen to our grandchildren. It’s a wonderful experience to be heard, to have someone pause what they are doing, make eye contact, and give us their full attention. We can and should do that for everyone, but especially children. They need the connection that true listening brings. I know it is tempting to nod while they talk and carry on with what we are doing, but like we were taught to do at railroad crossings, to stop, look, and listen is a simple, yet powerful gift. You know when people aren’t giving you their full attention. So do your grandchildren. If you hope to be their confidant, really listen every time they talk to you.

Being their confidant can be complicated. Still, it is an important lesson for children to learn that talking about their problems can be the beginning of finding a solution. They may ask you not to tell their parents what they are about to say. Assure them that you will keep their words to yourself, unless someone is in danger. If what they say must be relayed to a parent, encourage them to do so, and offer to be with them when they do.

However, usually our task of listening is less serious. It’s more a matter of attending to what matters to them. And my, they do chatter so rapidly sometimes! Or two or three of them try simultaneously. If you are struggling to make clarity out of their words, it might be time to set pride aside and have your hearing tested. Or, as my children used to say, “listen faster!”

Listening to another is a true gift to them. So is forgiving.

Forgiveness

Last week our deacon talked about the myth of Redemptive Violence, our human nature’s reaction to being wronged. It feels momentarily so good to release our righteous anger and strike back, or give the silent treatment, or break off all communication. After all, they hurt us!

Yet, Jesus didn’t do that. Tortured and being slowly murdered, He said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Our loved ones, our family, hurt us, too. Sometimes over and over. But how can we ask God’s forgiveness without forgiving them?

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy–seven times.” (Matthew 18:22)

Perhaps your child has rejected your faith, or advice, or upbringing. Maybe they’ve brought you humiliation. Alternatively, perhaps you have hurt your child in the past and felt too righteous, or even too ashamed to ask for forgiveness. Either break in your connection undoubtedly affects your relationship with your grandchildren, maybe even prohibiting it.

In The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, Lorene Hanley Duquin states, “When we seek forgiveness, we admit that we were wrong, we accept responsibility for what we have done, and we learn from the experience so that we don’t make the same mistake again. When we forgive, we acknowledge that we have been hurt, but we choose to let go of anger, resentment, and negative thoughts that can harden our hearts and make us bitter. Chances are, your grandchildren are already learning powerful lessons about forgiveness—not by anything you’ve said, but by how you’ve dealt with difficult situations in your own life.” (p.116-117)

Lent is an opportunity for us to examine our consciences. Maybe it is time to forgive and be more like the loving father than the elder brother of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-32) Open your arms (and heart) and run to your loved one, either asking forgiveness or granting it.

Here are steps that help me when I’m struggling to let go of bitterness or resentment:

• Acknowledge the anger and hurt we feel, at least to ourselves. If possible, we should voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt us.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs can reopen an injury by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on wrongs. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself ruminating and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Duquin continues, “Forgiveness is not always easy. But it is always the right thing to do. It is one of the most important lessons your grandchildren will ever learn, because it is closely connected to the ability to love and be loved.” (p. 121)

One of my daughters is actively teaching her preschool children how to apologize and forgive. She overheard this conversation:

5-year-old son: I’m so, so sorry.

3-year-old daughter:  Do I forgive you?

5-year-old son: Yes. You do.

If only it were that easy, right?

But we could learn a lot from Saint (Mother) Teresa and her Humility List:

Prayers for you during Holy Week,

Betty