Obstacles to Change

This weekend I heard the best quote!

“In Essentials Unity, In Non-Essentials Liberty, In All Things Charity.” Seems like a good motto for these divisive political times, especially, “In all things Charity!”

That’s a step aside from our discussion of acting from our Best Selves, though certainly not contradictory. But there’s much to cover so let’s return to Mike Bayer in his book, Best Self: Be You Only Better.

Identifying Your Obstacles –

What keeps us from changing for the better?

Fear. Yes, fear keeps us locked into old patterns. The first step to fighting our fears is to identify them, as many as possible. What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life? What triggers those fears? Is there a common theme to your fears? Perhaps fear of what others think? Fear of failure?

Put your fears to the test. Are they true? Do they serve your best interests? Do they generate progress toward healthy goals? If not true, there’s no use giving those fears any power. If they don’t serve your best interest, let them go. If they don’t move you toward your goals, fight fear with faith—in yourself and in God.

If they are true and reasonable, plan a strategy that reduces or eliminates your fear. Perhaps you need self-affirmations. Perhaps you need to set goals to counter your fears, like saving enough money to not be financially afraid to try a new path. Face your fears down!

Ego. Do you feel inadequate deep down, and then act in unpleasant ways to cover up that lack? Are you defensive, a right fighter, a boaster, a revenge seeker, possessive, a gossip, vain, dishonest, a bully, or a perceived victim? These are coverups for lacking a sense of being enough, just the way you are. They get in the way of true growth.

One strategy is to stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your own situation. Blaming others takes away your power to improve the situation.

My favorite quote in this section of the book was, “When you turn off the news, you should feel more educated, not more inflamed.” Be careful of what input you allow in your life!

Routine. Are you too busy to focus on change? Ask yourself when considering new commitments, is this realistic for me, and will it make it easier for me to tap into who I really am?

Start the day in charge – get up a bit earlier and plan your day.

Take time to list what you have to be grateful for.

Find rituals that work for you and reaffirm you!

Find a mantra to remind yourself of your abilities, like “I got this!” or “God is with me!” or “I can do more than I think I can!”

Now that we have looked at ways to improve ourselves internally, we are ready to tackle the external areas awaiting growth. We don’t need to focus on all of them, because an improvement in one sphere can positively influence all the others, but it helps to do a self-assessment in each of the seven categories. For today, we’ll look at the first two of seven spheres. The book, of course, studies each area in depth, and I recommend getting the book if this summary intrigues you.

• Social Life – “Don’t run from your emotions or from the feelings of others; instead, embrace them and use them to deepen your relationship with yourself and the people within your orbit.” How are you at:
  • Sending clear messages? If you suspect social anxiety can affect this, consulting with a good therapist or life coach may be a useful tactic.
  • Listening? Can you focus on the other, or are you too focused on what you want to say?
  • Giving and receiving feedback? This is how we help one another improve. Bayer suggests, “…present the information in a way that is gentle, caring, and solution oriented, and only after you’ve made sure they are open to hearing it, then your feedback can be helpful…”
  • Handling emotional interactions? (Betty here, “Ack! I’d like to do a Chicken Little and hide rather than tackle difficult conversations.”) Bayer says, “Being outside of your comfort zone is really just an opportunity to connect more deeply with your authenticity and with another person. […] But it’s important to realize that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. You are only responsible for your own.”

• Personal Life – Take care of yourself first, so you have surplus for others.
  • Attend to your inner dialogue. Often the negative messages we heard as a child continue to play in our heads. Are you gentle and positive toward yourself? Coach yourself to reinforce your intelligence, your competence, your skills, your worth, and your appearance with messages of positivity.
  • Self-care is not selfish, it is compassionate toward yourself. Work to manage your stress. Calm yourself with deep breaths. Get daily exercise that you enjoy. Celebrate yourself by having some fun or helping others. Sleep regular hours and don’t skimp! Unplug from technology for some time every day. Find a way to relax with prayer, meditation, yoga, etc.
  • Passions! Find what energizes you and do it! Maybe it will be quiet creativity. Maybe it will be time with good friends. Maybe it will lead to a new career in a new area!
  • Pain – If you are in emotional pain, whether from rejection or loss, be assured you are not alone and that what you are feeling now, though so powerful, will subside. Accept all the comfort that is offered to you and seek out the help you need.

Only two weeks of Lent left! There’s still time to really focus on making this a season of growth. May God guide you!

Best Self/Anti Self

Best Self/Anti Self

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Growth!

This week we will switch over to our second author, Mike Bayer in Best Self: Be You, Only Better. He and Matthew Kelly have many ideas in common, but Bayer comes at self-improvement from a different angle. He starts by reminding us that we are each unique, and not only is that good, it is wonderful! Only we have the genes, experiences, and personality that come together to prepare us for our own contribution to this world. “Even when you don’t feel like you are anywhere near good enough, you are enough because of one simple truth… you are you! The only one.”

Bayer’s Best Self Model will take the reader through different spheres where improvement might help us to be our best self:

1. Social life
2. Personal life
3. Health
4. Education
5. Relationships
6. Employment
7. Spiritual development life

Though we are unique, we have some traits in common when we are operating out of our Best Self:

• We use a kind inner voice.Our self-talk is not critical.
• We are universally fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free.

To begin defining our Best Self, Bayer recommends we write down a list of every quality we possess, such as compassion, patience, enthusiasm, courage, or honor. Write whatever traits you are proud to feel are part of you. His book lists over 200 possibilities! He goes on to ask us to name a character that represents our best self, and even draw that character so we have a very visual image when we need to call our Best Self forward. I came up with Lassie. When I’m at my best I’m an intelligent, calm shepherd, who watches over others to keep them safe and help them thrive.

We are encouraged to keep this character in mind when we need to coach ourselves to better actions, remembering those traits we listed above and our universal ability to tap into being fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free. Reminding ourselves of all the things we are grateful for keeps us attuned to our Best Self and is a wonderful exercise whenever we begin to feel low. Have a gratitude attitude. Keep a gratitude journal.

Next, Bayer suggests we look at our dark side and list our traits that bring us and others down. What are the less-than-ideal behaviors we fall into when we are less than our best—when we are tired or sad, frightened or irritated? I know I’m quicker to anger, more impatient, and can be broody, even while feeling quite self-righteous. We should find a character that we draw and name for this “Anti-Self.” Mine is Chicken Little, who runs around announcing the sky is falling and then hides, all the while grumbling about everyone else.

When you have a good visual of your Anti-Self as well as your Best Self, the next time you are tempted to let your Chicken Little be in charge you (and I) can choose instead to put your Best Self, your version of my Lassie, in charge. The more often you make that decision, the more automatic it will become. And when life shifts, as life tends to do, rethink this exercise so that any new Anti-Self can be quickly recognized and overcome by your always growing Best Self.

In order to function more often from your better side, commit to approaching life with these “tenets of change”:

• Curiosity – keep learning about yourself and our world
• Honesty – doing the right thing, pursuing integrity
• Openness – being teachable, new concepts will lead to more success
• Willingness – put action into your new thinking
• Focus – staying on track, keeping your eye on the prize

Start to recognize what really recharges your energy (or Bayer says, recharges your authenticity battery). What do you do that makes you feel truly alive, or what activity makes you so focused that time flies by? How often do you get to do that?

And finally, how ready for change are you? Bayer cites the Transtheoretical Model which lists stages of change:

• Precontemplation – No intention or sense of need to change current behavior
• Contemplation – Aware that you need change, but no intention yet
• Preparation – Aware you need change, believe capable, intent on taking action
• Action – Actively modifying behavior toward improvement
• Maintenance – Sustaining your changed behavior; new actions replaced the old

Where are you in that list? What can you do to move toward action? Sometimes we need serious consequences or emotional, physical, or spiritual pain to force us into change. A heart attack may finally lead us to eat healthy. A spouse leaving can make us realize we must stop drinking. A failed exam can help us find the motivation to study. It’s much better to change ourselves before we hit such depths, but human nature tends to resist change. That’s sad, because positive change makes us feel so much better about ourselves! Move into the Action phase as quickly as possible and move toward happiness!

Next week we will look at obstacles that get in the way. In the meantime, have a wonderful week!

Our Mission

Last week we talked about finding what you love, living what you believe, and using self-discipline to achieve our goals. If you are struggling to make progress, it might help to write your goal on a note you can see several times a day.

This week we will look at three more of Matthew Kelly’s lessons toward a better self, from his book Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You. We are hearing more and more about decluttering lately. Marie Kondo is helping people declutter with her book and her Netflix series. Our pastor is focusing on decluttering spiritually during Lent. Simplifying our lives makes room for growth and has been recommended by many great spiritual guides. In today’s society, few people live simple lives. More and more, complication seems to be the norm. But is that what we want?

Our purpose is to be the best-version-of ourselves, the person God created us to be.

In order to do that, we will need to focus on our values, on what is most important to us. We must simplify our lives enough to be able to spend some time in silence and solitude. We need to say no to requests that steal our time and overcrowd our lives. Kelly reminds us, “You have to find your place in the grand scheme of life, but you will not find it by busying yourself with a million things that were not intended for you.” If someone asks you to do something, take time to answer. Ask yourself what your motives would be for doing what they ask, and whether it is the best use of your time. Would the activity make you a better version of yourself? Or help others to be the best versions of themselves?

Once we make time to think and pray, we can analyze what our true motives are, and what we would like them to be. What makes us do what we do? Is it fear? Maybe the fear of not pleasing everyone? Wouldn’t we rather make decisions based on strength and faith? With choices made based on doing the right thing, clarity will follow, and decisions will be much easier.

More ideas for simplifying:

• Learn to enjoy things without having to own (and then take care of) them.
• Unplug your television for a week. Or a month. Read more. Talk to people more. Evaluate TV’s effect before you plug back in. Take control of its influence on your family.
• Seek happiness through contributing to the lives of others, rather than through things. Things only have value if they make us better people, or help others reach their potential.
• Simplifying your outer life brings clarity to your inner life.

Once you have more clarity, you can ask, what is my mission? What am I called to contribute to this world? Write down everything that comes to mind, large and small, from contributing to your family to an area of creativity that brings good to others. Our mission is driven by the needs of others and our need to serve; it is “a meeting between self and service.” It is where “our talents and passions collide with the needs of others and the world.” Frederick Buechner writes our mission is “the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.” It is to do… what we can, where we can, right now, to make the world better.

How do we find our mission? Kelly asserts, “By using the moments of each day to become the best-version-of-ourselves, by doing all the good things we feel inspired to do where we are right now, by investigating and developing our unique talents and deepest desires, and by listening to the voice of God in our lives.” No small order, but we only need to take baby steps. Now. The Holy Spirit leads us step-by-step, but only as we take each step.

“The greatest shift in most of our lives will take place when we decide to make ourselves radically available to serve.”

I liked this sentence in Kelly’s book: “Every time we encounter a person, we should give them a gift.” Whether it is a word of encouragement, or simply our focused attention and a smile, we can remind ourselves we are here to serve. Yet, to be most effective, we must balance service with our own needs, be they physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual.

We mustn’t let our fears and worries detract from our service. Kelly reminds us, “We are afraid because we don’t know how things are going to work out, but things are going to work out.” Look back on the things you have worried about. Didn’t they work out? Every problem that comes into our lives can teach us a lesson, strengthen a virtue, and build our character. We need to increase our faith that “God loves us, will provide for us, and most of all, that he has saved us.”

Turn to silence and solitude. God speaks to us there. He shows us where the good is in difficult situations. He leads us to “patiently seek the good in everyone and everything.” Look for what you agree on within an argument, before tackling where you differ in opinion. Seek the good in others, and also in yourself.

In summary, the final steps in Kelly’s book are:

• Simplify
• Focus on what you are here to give
• Patiently seek the good in everyone and everything

Next week we will begin to study Best Self, by Mike Bayer. In the meantime, let’s try each day to do one good thing that we don’t want to do.