4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Financial Fix

            Did you undertake any tips for reducing worry and fear from last week’s 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times post? You might want to try some deep breathing now, because the topic of the week is money. Please note that I am not a financial expert, and even the experts quoted below don’t know your particular circumstances. The advice below is general.

 Today’s first points are highlighted from Dave Ramsey’s book, Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness and also his website, www.daveramsey.com .

            Ramsey’s plan for getting out of debt consists of “Baby Steps” that must be done in order and with “Gazelle intensity”—not a grazing gazelle, but rather the intensity of prey as a predator attacks. To prepare for the baby steps, set up a written budget for the month, every month, and if you are married, agree on the budget together. If a change is necessary mid-month, both spouses must agree and must still balance the budget. Also, stop buying anything on credit.

1. Save $1,000 as a Starter Emergency Fund – This must be done as quickly as possible, less than a month. Have a garage sale, sell something, work extra hours, whatever it takes. Don’t touch the $1000 except for a true, unforeseeable emergency. If an emergency comes up and you use part of the $1000, replace it ASAP.

2.      Pay Off All Debt With The Debt Snowball – List your current debts, other than the house, from smallest balance to largest.

Pay the minimum payment to stay current on all but the smallest debt. Pour every dollar you can find from anywhere in your budget into paying off that smallest debt.

When it is paid, take what you paid monthly on the smallest debt and add it to your minimum payment on the next largest debt, continuing until all debts are paid.

[Advisor Suze Orman (see below) recommends paying the debts with the highest interest rates first, but Ramsey believes motivation builds faster as you see one debt after another cleared.] Except for the house, if you can’t be debt-free on any item in 18 to 20 months, sell it.

3.      6 Months Expenses In Savings – Pour all you had been using for debt payment into federally insured, accessible savings for serious unforeseen emergencies, like injury or job loss. If it is likely that your job would take longer than 6 months to replace, save more.

[Advisor Suze Orman would advise building savings before debt reduction if you are in danger of losing your job.]

 Read about Ramsey’s remaining steps to financial fitness in his book or online:

4. Invest 15% of Income Into Roth IRAs And Pre-Tax Retirement Plans

5. College Funding

6. Pay Off Your Home Early

7. Build Wealth And Give!

Another excellent book on personal finance is Suze Orman’s 2009 Action Plan: Keeping Your Money Safe and Sound, with her advice for this economic downturn.

What you must do in 2009 about:

Credit

• Make it a priority to pay off your credit card balances.
• Read every statement and all correspondence from your credit card company to make sure you are aware of any changes to your account, such as skyrocketing interest rates.
• Work to get your FICO credit score above 720.
• Be very careful where you turn to for help with credit card debt. Debt consolidators are often a very bad deal. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling is a smarter choice.
• Resist the temptation to use retirement savings or a home equity line of credit (HELOC) to pay off credit card debt. Stop thinking of credit as a safety net. The only true safety net is savings.

Retirement Investing

•  Make sure you have the right mix of stocks and bonds in your retirement accounts given your age. (See her book or website www.suzeorman.com for more information.)
•  Don’t make early withdrawals or take loans from retirement accounts to pay for non-retirement expenses.
•  Convert an old 401(k) to a rollover IRA so you can invest in the best low-cost funds, ETFs, and bonds.
•  If eligible in 2009, consider moving at least a portion of a 401(k) rollover into a Roth IRA. Or wait until 2010 to convert to a Roth, when everyone, regardless of income, will be able to make this move. Just be aware of the tax due at conversion.

Saving

•  Make sure your bank or credit union is covered by federal deposit insurance.
•  Check that what you have on deposit is eligible for full insurance coverage in the unlikely event your bank or credit union fails.
•  If your savings is in a money market mutual fund sold through a brokerage or mutual fund firm, consider moving your money into the Treasury money market fund at that company.
•  Build up your savings to cover 8 months of living expenses.
•  Move all money you need within the next five to 10 years into savings. Money you need soon does not belong in the stock market.

Spending

•  Separate wants from needs.
•  Get over your guilt that you aren’t “providing” for your kids.
•  Strike the word “deserve” from the conversation. What you can truly afford is all that counts.
•  Try to negotiate better terms on a car loan you can’t keep up with.
•  Be very careful when asked to cosign any loan, no matter how much you love the person who is asking for your help.

Real Estate

•  Push for a “mortgage modification” if your current loan is too expensive.
•  Do not use credit cards or retirement funds to pay for a too-expensive home.
•  Stay informed about new programs, from lenders and the government, in the months ahead that aim to keep more homeowners out of foreclosure. Check www.suzeorman.com .
•  Build a real savings fund; a Home Equity Line Of Credit should not be your safety net in 2009.
•  Focus on your home’s long-term value, not its price change from month to month.

Paying for college:

•  If your child is heading to college within four years and your college savings are in the stock market, you should begin to phase it out of the market, so that you are 100% out by the time he or she is 17.
•  If you have a child who will enter college in 2009–2010, look into getting a Stafford loan.
•  If Stafford loans are not enough, parents should consider a PLUS loan. Significant changes to this program last year make this a viable option for many more families.
•  Stay away from private student loans at all costs.
•  If you are graduating from college in 2009 with student loan debt, know your repayment options.

To protect your family and yourself:

•  Build a substantial savings account today so you will be okay if you are laid off.
•  Do not—repeat, do not—go without health insurance.
•  Shop for private health insurance if you are laid off; it is often less expensive than COBRA.
•  Purchase an affordable term life insurance policy if anyone is dependent on your income.
•  Make sure you have all your estate-planning documents in order.

            An excellent book on personal finance written especially for women is by Suze Orman: Women & Money: Owning The Power To Control Your Destiny. Orman points out that due to the high level of divorce, as well as the likelihood that a woman will outlive her husband, it is irresponsible for any woman to avoid understanding and directing financial matters.

 I’m certainly not a financial expert, but today’s economy requires we all become more informed. I hope I’ve given you a starting point.

 Blessings on your week!

 Betty Arrigotti

¹My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor,…⁵save yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the hand of the fowler. Proverbs 6:1a,5e

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have in order to impress people we don’t like.” Dave Ramsey

 To Read More:

Orman, Suze (2009). 2009 Action Plan: Keeping Your Money Safe and Sound, Spiegel & Grau.

Orman, Suze (2007). Women & Money: Owning The Power To Control Your Destiny, Spiegel & Grau.

Ramsey, Dave (2003). Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness, Thomas Nelson Publishers.

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – To Handle Worry

Welcome back to another 4 minute post. Today we’ll look at one effect of hard times that can become debilitating–our tendency to worry until we are fettered by fear.

 Marshall J Cook tackles our fears from a spiritual perspective in his book, How to Handle Worry – A Catholic Approach. He writes that worry can be productive when it motivates us to action, but destructive when it stagnates us, or when it becomes so chronic that it affects our health. The following are some of the nuggets available in his book:

In order to cope with anxiety, understand that anxiety is a normal reaction to stressors. Sometimes simply acknowledging nervousness is enough. But other times we need to take action—deep breaths, mini breaks in the day to relax, slowing down and simplifying, leaving room in our schedule for the unexpected, keeping a daily journal, adding music to our life, exercising, and/or getting the amount of sleep we really need.

We always need to take our problems to the Good Shepherd. Turn all the “stuff” – big and small – over to God. God is in control. Allowing our anxiety to keep us from action demonstrates a lack of trust in God, for if we truly believe that God is good and wants what is best for us, that He is all powerful and knows better than we do what we need, that this life is only a short part of our whole existence, then we have nothing to fear.

But even when we want to trust him (Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!), worries return. What then? Meet the anxieties head on – set a 10 minute appointment for them at the same every day. When worries come at other times, tell them you’ll think about them at the set time, not now. When the set time comes, fully experience the worry. Let it flood you. Christ is with you; nothing bad will happen to you. The worry is only a feeling. The storm will subside, replaced by a sense of relief. Then thank God for being with you, and even for the worry itself. At some point the worry won’t show up for its 10 minute appointment. Then pray for 10 minutes and thank God again.

In order to turn anxiety into energy, don’t resist or deny the fear. Track it to its true source. Name it. Then push the fear to the extreme. What is the worst that can happen? What are the odds that it will?

Figure out what, if anything, you can do about this particular fear. Let God help you choose the option that seems best. Write down exactly what you will do and when. Next, act in spite of your fear. Move forward. Abide by your decision and its consequences. Breathe deeply, pray, listen.

If your worry is due to lack of information, learn more and make a decision. If it is fear of the future, prepare fully and leave the rest to God. If you are afraid you made a mistake in the past, decide to act to repair the mistake, or not to act, and let it go. If your fear has frozen you into inertia, engage in vigorous sloth-busting. Take a step! If you are a master at evasion, face the music and remember God is leading the band.

If your worries keep you from making decisions, the author counsels, “Consider this. In a fundamental sense, you can’t make a ‘wrong’ decision. Whatever you decide, asking for God’s guidance and trusting in his love for you, you will grow in faith and love. You will find triumph and failure, sorrow and joy, because these are the essence of life on earth. You will more fully feel God’s abiding and incredible love for you, and you will see more clearly his plan for your life. When you look at it that way, what are you worried about?”

©©©©©©©©©©©©

In his newest book, Real Life, Dr. Phil McGraw writes to prepare people for “the seven most challenging days of your life.” One of those 7 is the day we realize we’ve been allowing fear to dominate our lives.

Dr. Phil believes we need to learn to be true to ourselves by choosing to live our lives authentically—not by conforming to what others think we should do, but by following our own passions and unique abilities. He says, “An interesting thing about integrity and self-acceptance is that when you’re comfortable in your own skin, other people sense it and usually end up respecting you a whole lot more than if you spent all your time trying to please them anyway.”

However, changing the way we are living, when we are living in fear, is scary. We have to be so tired of not living authentically that we risk the unknown to claim a new way, the change we (and the world around us) deserve.

Common fears are:

• Fear of losing control (reduces the sense of peace and joy in life)
• Fear of humiliation (keeps us from fighting for things worth fighting for)
• Fear of pain and punishment (keeps us from challenging ourselves)
• Fear of rejection (keeps us from enjoying friendships and partnerships)
• Fear of responsibility (keeps us from finding achievement and joy in life)
• Fear of intimacy (keeps us from the joy of relationships)
• Fear of failure (impedes us from seeking the values and passions we want to explore)

Dr. Phil’s action steps:

1. Decide what we really want and care about.
2. Examine how far we are away from what we want.
3. Make a life decision from the heart, a conviction.
4. Be true to ourselves, focus on where our lives don’t represent who we are and where we can change (responsibly, not selfishly).
5. Make it happen. Plan with goals and timetables.
6. Acknowledge our fears. What drives our behavior?
7. Challenge our irrational fears (often about our “unworthiness” or others’ judgments of us).
8. Set ourselves up for success (figure out what help we need and get it).
9. Know that we are not alone. Everyone feels anxiety and fear. Courage is acting in the face of it.

You’ve spent 4 minutes learning about ways to cope with hard times. I hope you find one bit of wisdom that will calm your worries. If not, you can go straight to the Source—below are some Bible quotes to consider. They can be printed out and taped to your mirror or slipped into a lunch bag.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti 

Mark 5:

³⁶But Jesus, overhearing what was being spoken, said to the synagogue official,

 “Do not be afraid any longer, only believe.”

Matthew 10:

²⁹“Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. ³¹“So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

Psalm 118:

⁶The LORD is for me;

I will not fear;

What can man do to me?

Psalm 34:

⁴I sought the LORD, and He answered me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 55:

 ⁴My heart is in anguish within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

¹⁶As for me, I shall call upon God,

And the LORD will save me.

Psalm 94:

¹⁸If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”

Your loving kindness, O LORD, will hold me up.

¹⁹When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,

Your consolations delight my soul.

Philippians 4:

⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Luke 12:

³²Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

Matthew 11:

²⁸Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Grandma’s platitudes

            Welcome to the first installment of 2009 Lenten posts called 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times.

             When I was first learning to be a writer, I was told I didn’t include enough conflict in my stories. As a mother of four I spent much of my day trying to reduce conflict. Eventually I learned that people love and can identify with a story when the protagonists, through the trouble that comes their way, learn to face their weaknesses and grow enough to overcome their darkest moments and (ta-da!) save the day.

            Real life isn’t too different from stories in that respect. It is through our hard times that we develop character. We’d rather not suffer. We’d like to avoid all pain, for ourselves and our loved ones, but we wouldn’t learn and grow without challenges.

            One thing we can count on—we will be given these “opportunities for growth.” Life is sometimes hard. And lately it seems to be getting harder. Not just because of natural consequences—it’s bad enough when we know we got ourselves into our mess—but for many, these days are trying through no fault of their own. Though they’ve never smoked they are told they have lung cancer. Or the savings that they’ve been responsibly building dwindles with the stock market. Their company closes and leaves them without income. Or their spouse dies.

            Whether our trouble is our own fault or not, we find ourselves in situations where we can’t control events. Sometimes all we can control is our reaction and our attitude. But therein lies our strength.

            In most of my 4 Minutes emails I give information that professionals have researched and advised, but in this first 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times, I am going to another kind of expert. Our parents and grandparents have lived through their share of difficult times, and we can learn from their hard-won wisdom. So I’m falling back on some of Grandma’s platitudes.

“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

            This is a little hard to take, especially when you’re the one in crisis and the person quoting it isn’t. Actually, for each of us at some point, the crisis really will kill us, so this hardly seems comforting. However, it is true that hard times force us to grow and become more than we were when times were easy. I remember crying on my Grandma’s lap. As she rocked me she would remind me, “This too shall pass.”

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” St. Francis of Assisi

            Is the challenge facing us something that is not going to change, no matter how desperately we wish it could? Is a marriage over and beyond reconciliation? Has a loved one died? Is a health change irreversible? Then what we do have control over is our acceptance. I’m not saying to cut short our grieving. Grief can’t be rushed and its healing process should be honored. But it’s useless to fight against what cannot be changed.

            We are more resilient than we know. We can deal with this, as painful as it is, and continue our lives. Sometimes one minute at a time is all we can manage but we hang on and make it through the minute. And then the next. We just keep on keeping on, for ourselves and for our loved ones.

            Someone described loss as being in a dark, twisty tunnel and the door behind you has just slammed shut. They only way through it is through it. It hurts but we will survive.

             But what if our crisis isn’t necessarily permanent? Then rather than acceptance we need a little perspective and courage to change the things we can. We must make progress. Again, it might start simply by breathing through a minute. (Thank you, Lord, that I can breathe.) Making it through a day. (Thank you, Lord, that I’m alive.) But a moment will come when we must look at the situation for possibilities of recovery.

            We divide the distance between where we are and where we want to be into small steps and then we start walking.

            What information do I need to gather in order to proceed? Whom can I call for help? Do I need to acquire a new skill? Rebuild my confidence? What will it take to move on? Another quote from St. Francis says, “Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

“Pray as though everything depends on God; work as though everything depends on you.”

            Grandma had total faith in God, as well as a work ethic that kept her from waiting for an answer without doing her part. God will help us. But usually rather than taking away our pain, He will give us the inner resources we need to succeed despite the pain.

            Or He will send us help. Are we trying to get through this time all alone? Reaching out to others may be part of working as if everything depended on us. Allowing someone who is not in crisis to help can be a gift to them, for they receive the blessings and joy of service.

            Hard times are part of every life. We’d like to avoid them, but when we can’t, let’s face them courageously.

• Some struggles can be seen as opportunities, once the shock wears off, and we can learn from them and grow.
• Other hard times bring permanent loss. Then we must learn the difficult lessons of letting go and acceptance. At those times we survive by realizing and appreciating what gifts we still have.
• If we are among the fortunate who are not struggling when others are, then we must respond to hard times by being aware of our blessings and reaching out to help.

            The final quote I leave you with is not from Grandma, but rather from God himself:

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Blessings on your week.

Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Should you marry?

Should you get married?

Below are more questions that different authors have proposed for helping you decide if marriage is right for you:

 From Are You Ready for Marriage? on Dr. Phil McGraw’s website http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/58: 

• Why are you getting married?
  Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement. Write a list of pros and cons about your partner and your relationship. If you have to talk yourself into marriage — don’t. If you have to talk your fiancé into marriage — no way! Make sure you are not getting married to escape or avoid something. Have you just always wanted to get married? That’s not a good enough reason. If you get nauseous shopping for a wedding dress or seem to be sick every time you have to meet the caterer, listen to your body.
• Do you know and trust your partner’s personal history?
  The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Learn from it. How has your partner behaved in past relationships? How have they behaved with you? What has your partner learned about marriage from his/her parents? Look closely at your partner’s parents — children learn what they live.
• Have you planned a marriage — or just a wedding?
  Cake, flowers and fine china are all exciting, but there’s more at stake than one day. Your wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime. You don’t just want to be married; you want to be happily married. Think about the next 50 years. Put at least the same amount of time and effort that you are using to plan your wedding into planning your marriage.
• Are you investing more than you can afford to lose?
  Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, for example, the cost is too high. If it all falls apart, are you going to be emotionally bankrupt? It is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else.
• Have you identified and communicated your needs and expectations?
  Know yourself. You can’t determine if somebody is good for you if you don’t know your own needs. It’s not selfish to have goals within a relationship. Express your needs and expectations now — not when you’re already in the marriage. What are your absolute deal breakers? Do you know your partner’s?

Here is a different take on marriage readiness, from Discerning Marriage: A Community of Life and Love. Fr. Michael Sweeney, O.P. encourages couples to discern whether the call, the promise, faithfulness, and sacrifice of their relationship would lead to a covenant marriage.

Discerning the Call: Does this relationship give you fuller identity? Can you imagine your life, with integrity, not including your partner?

• How well do I know the story of my partner? Are there elements of his/her story about which she or he is reluctant to speak?
• How forthcoming have I been about my own story?

Discerning the Promise: Does he/she urge you to be who you truly are?

• Have you a witness in the other—someone who delights in you so that you are seen, appreciated, and recognized for who you are?
• What, if anything, would your partner change about you? What would you change about him/her?
• Are there any moments when you are uncomfortable in his/her company? When does this occur? What happens as a result?
• Have you ever felt belittled by your partner? Are you able to talk about this together?

Discerning Faithfulness: Do you know the other will be truthful when he/she vows to love and honor you all the days of your life?

• Are you prepared to speak the whole truth about yourselves as questions arise? Can you think of anything you would not wish to share with your partner? Why are you reluctant?
• Are you satisfied with the amount of time that you speak about important things? Are you both prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to have real time together?
• When you argue, are you able to “respond” to each other rather than merely to “react” to each other?
• Are you confident that enough has been spoken between you that you are truly able to be fully present to each other?

Discerning the Sign of the Covenant (Sacrifice): Are you both willing to pay the price of the relationship, to sacrifice for each other?

• Can you think of occasions when he or she has sacrificed plans or intentions for your sake?
• Can you think of occasions when your partner has proven that he/she is strong enough to take what you have to say? Do you frequently find yourself protecting your partner out of fear that he/she might be hurt by what you have to say?
• Do you find yourself protecting yourself because you fear that he or she might walk away from the relationship if you say what is really in your mind or heart? Are you secure in the knowledge of your heart that your partner wants to make you safe to speak?
• Are you jealous of your partner? Do you know in your heart that he/she is trustworthy? Can you accept that what he/she promises you is true?

 Other Questions:

• Do you regard your partner as fully your equal? Does he or she regard you as an equal? Do you seek to submit yourself to each other as an act of your love?
• Have you seen differences in the way that you relate to each other? Can you celebrate and take delight in those differences?

 And one last resource:

 From The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford, these questions could be applied to any decision, major ones like whether to marry, or small ones like whether to eat the doughnut:

1. 1.      Will this choice propel me toward my desired future, or will it keep me stuck in the past?
2. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment, or short-term gratification?
3. Is this choice standing in my own power, or am I trying to please another?
4. Am I looking for what is right, or am I looking for what is wrong?
5. Will this choice add to my life force, or will it rob me of my energy?
6. 6.      Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will I use it to beat myself up?
7. 7.      Will this choice empower and make me stronger, or will it disempower and keep me weak?
8. Is this act one of self-love or of self-sabotage?
9. Is this act one of faith, or one of fear?

10.  Is this choice made from my divinity, or my humanity? (Betty here. The author seems to mean out of a sense of connectedness vs. self-serving.)

I hope these posts have helped you take a sincere look at what you want from a partner before you are ready for marriage. My husband and I prayed over the years for our children to find kind spouses of faith and integrity. That is my prayer for each of you, too.

May your Holy Week be blessed and your Easter bring resurrection of the Spirit within you!

Betty Arrigotti

PS – I’d love to hear feedback!

 To read more:

Dr. Phil McGraw’s website http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/58

Sweeney, Fr. Michael, O.P. (2002). Discerning Marriage: A Community of Life and Love, The Catherine of Siena Institute.

Ford, Debbie (2004). The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life, Harper Collins.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Freely, Fully, Faithfully, Fruitfully

Good Friday has arrived, which means I’ve written 5 premarriage posts and 6 marriage posts during Lent. Yet, when Fr. Mike asked on Sunday at Mass what marriage advice my spouse and I had to offer as we celebrated 30 years, I went completely blank. (Husband came up with, “Don’t go to bed angry,” and saved the moment.)

So, to redeem myself, I’m going to offer some of my favorite tidbits:

• Like the song says, Turn Back to Me, with All Your Heart. When I most want to turn away is when it’s the hardest but most important to turn toward my husband and reconnect.
• That goes along with what someone said who shared our anniversary date. He and his wife promised to, Love each other when most unlovable.
• Always treat your spouse with respect, whether in person or when talking about him or her.
• Express gratitude for every service your spouse does for you, from a meal made to a day spent at work.
• In general, put your spouse first, ahead of any other person. Though occasionally your children’s needs must come first, a strong marriage is one of your greatest gifts to them. Set aside time alone together—a few (4?) minutes each day, one evening a week, and a weekend a couple of times each year.
• Pray together. Studies show couples who regularly pray and attend Church together have a much lower rate of divorce. Inviting the Holy Spirit into your marriage brings graces that reinforce your commitment to everlasting love.
• Play together. Find ways to keep laughter in your relationship. Not by teasing, of course.

I’ve been thinking about the Church’s view on marriage as it is illuminated by annulment (Decree of Nullity) proceedings. In order to determine whether a marriage was, in fact, a sacramental covenant that is indissoluble, the Church looks for four elements to be present at the time of the wedding. The Church asks whether both parties promised themselves:

• Freely – Were both members of the couple free to make a lifetime vow? Were they mature enough, mentally stable enough, and not encumbered by any situation that made marriage seem to be the only option?
• Fully – Was either party holding back some truth from the other? Were they ready and willing to accept each other as they were, without any conditions?
• Faithfully – Did they intend to remain faithful to each other alone, for life?
• Fruitfully – Was their love open to sharing with others, particularly children?

If these four elements were not present, the Church may find that a marriage, though legal (and thus recognizing any children as legitimate) may not have been a valid sacramental marriage.

It stands to reason that if we want our marriages to be lifelong, indissoluble, we should work to turn to each other every day and offer our love:

• Freely – Do I work to keep other commitments from coming between me and my spouse? Do I attempt to grow in my maturity and emotional strength in order to bring my best to my marriage?
• Fully – Do I keep part of myself protected from my spouse, or do I make an effort to grow in intimacy and trust?
• Faithfully – Do I guard myself from temptation? Do I keep our marital challenges private and discuss them only with my spouse or with a trained professional? Do my actions assure my spouse that he or she is now and will always be my one and only?
• Fruitfully – We recognize love by the fruit that it bears. What sacrifices can I make to show my love? How can I turn away from selfishness and be open to the good of others? Am I parenting my children as fully as I can, teaching them spiritually, morally, and intellectually?

This post is our final one for this Lent. Like last year, I am making it shorter than usual in order to give you time to write a short note to your spouse that begins, “I love you because…” Then slip it inside an Easter card or Easter basket.

No groaning allowed. We all need to count our blessings from time to time, and your spouse is one of your best!

 I’d love to hear from you about how you’ve applied any of the ideas, or how I could improve these posts for next year (even if you say you hate homework).

 May your Easter Season and your relationship be blessed!

 Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Premarriage Questions

Should you get married?

All sorts of people have written questions to help couples make this lifelong decision. At the risk of turning you into Inquisitors, I’ll offer some of those sources in this email and the next, and hope that your decision will be made clearer as you discuss them.

The first set of questions is from a list I wrote when my daughter was considering marriage. It’s been a while since I wrote it and I don’t know if I used other sources that should be cited. If so, my apologies to those authors:

Religion

• Will you each practice your own faith or worship together?
• Whose faith denomination will you attend?
• Whose faith denomination will you get married in?
• Do you both value weekly attendance?
• How will you celebrate spiritual holidays like Christmas and Easter?
• In which faith would children be raised?
• How do you each feel about monetary support of a church?
• Are there any tenets of your fiancé’s faith that go against your beliefs or conscience?
• Are there any tenets of your own faith that your fiancé can’t accept?
• How will you work out agreements?
• What are your thoughts on responsibility to serve others? Volunteering?
• What does your church require of a married couple?

In-laws

• Do your families both welcome your relationship?
• Do you like your future in-laws?
• How strong are the marriages in your families?
• What would you like to do the same, or differently than your parents?
• How do you feel about your in-laws being your children’s grandparents and relatives?
• How will you split time between the families? Holidays?
• Will you both put your spouse first before your original families?
• How much time would you each like to spend with your families?

Money

• Will you both work?
• How will you combine your incomes? Separate accounts?
• How will decisions about major purchases be made?
• What are your thoughts about credit, savings, debt? Are they compatible?
• How would you each feel if she made significantly more than he?
• What are your thoughts about mothers working?
• Are husbands’ financial responsibilities different than wives’?
• How would you feel if the other didn’t want to or couldn’t work?
• Where would you like to live: city, country, suburb, apartment, house?
• Do you know the financial situation of the other? Level of debt? Income potential?
• What type of wedding/honeymoon do you each think is financially reasonable?
• How do you feel about budgeting?

Fidelity

• What are your expectations of the other?
• Have you discussed your relationships of the past so you both are comfortable with them now?
• How do you see yourself responding to infidelity?
• Have you discussed your fears about this?
• Do you feel completely confident in the other’s commitment to you?

Sex

• Are you comfortable with your own sexuality, as a gift from God?
• Can you openly discuss it when you are uncomfortable about something sexual?
• Do you feel cherished and respected?
• Have you discussed and agreed on your feelings about premarital sex?
• Have you talked with a doctor or tested for any medical concerns you have?
• Can you both accept the necessity to abstain and be faithful during separation or medical restraints?
• Can you tell each other what you like and don’t like as it comes up?
• What do you think about artificial birth control? Natural birth control?
• Do you both strive to please the other?

Children

• Do you both want children?
• How many children would you feel comfortable with?
• When would you hope to start having children?
• Have you discussed your concerns about being parents?
• What were your parents’ means of discipline?
• How would you discipline differently than your parents?
• Would you want your children to attend private religious schools?
• If so, how much of a financial sacrifice would be reasonable for private schools?
• Would you expect and plan for your children to go to college?
• What are your thoughts on abortion? Adoption?
• What if your child had special needs/disabilities?
• Have you discussed what medical issues run in your families?

Division of labor

• Who will cook, clean, launder, shop, maintain the car, etc.?
• Will one of you stay home with children? How long?
• What do you think of daycare?
• Whose work will determine where you live?
• What are your career dreams?

Social

• Do you expect to spend time apart with your friends? How much?
• How might you enjoy evenings?
• Do you enjoy the same types of activities? Can you play together?
• What is your idea of a vacation?
• Do you both enjoy talking to each other? Are you best friends?
• Do either of you worry about the other’s drinking? Drug use? Health?

Miscellaneous

• What are some of your dreams for your future? Fears?
• Where do you picture yourselves in 5 years? 10 years?
• How do you behave when you are angry? How does your fiancé? How about when sad?
• What do you both do to work out disagreements? What do you wish you both would do?
• Do you always feel safe around the other?

Questions from Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt covers a wide range of topics: sex, values, religion, money, education, in-laws, careers, ethics, commitment, snoring, parenthood, cooking, cleaning, love, friends, exes, hopes, dreams, romance, travel, savings, secrets, taxes, children, space, holidays, television, pets, interests, fears, retirement, and trust. It also offers questions to ask parents, friends, religious leaders, lawyers and children. Here are a few:

Questions for your friends and family:

• Do you think we make a good match? Why?
• What kinds of problems, if any, do you see us having if we get married?
• Have you ever witnessed him/her mistreating me in any way?
• What advice would you give me before marriage?
• How does he/she make me a better person?
• Is there anything you know about him/her that you think I should know about?
• How happy do you see us being ten years from now?
• What do you consider his/her strong points? Weaknesses?
• What values do you think we have in common?
• In what ways have you seen us grow together?

Questions for his/her friends:

• Has he/she ever been a heavy drinker? Had a gambling problem?
• What is the craziest thing you’ve ever seen him/her do?
• How does he/she react when angry?
• How does he/she help others?
• When you think about him/her, what positive attributes come to mind?
• In what way do you think he/she will change me for the better?
• How would you describe his/her values and morals?
• What is the most memorable experience you’ve had with him or her?
• What does he/she say about me when I’m not around?
• What do they say about him/her when he’s/she’s not around?
• How does he/she act toward other women/men?
• What do you know about past relationships?
• What does he/she worry about?

Questions for future in-laws:

• How and when do you see us celebrating holidays and family traditions together?
• How often do you expect us to visit?
• How often do you expect to visit us?
• As a new daughter/son-in-law, what expectations will you have of me?
• As a new in-law, what do you hope I can bring to the family?
• What do you hope we can do together in the coming years?
• Are there any family concerns you think I should be aware of?
• What advice do you have for me in marriage?
• What would you like to know about me?
• What would you like for me to know about your family?
• What would you like to know about my family?
• What are some of the best times you have had together as a family?
• What are some of your hopes for our marriage?
• What are some of your concerns about our marriage?

If you don’t want to make people feel grilled, these are questions that you might gain answers to gradually. One or two at a time would make great discussion springboards.

Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more:

Outcalt, Todd (1998). Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage, Perigee/Penguin

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Relationship Myths

How are we doing? Can’t believe another week has flown by? Maybe you still haven’t read the last 4m4m post so you groaned when you saw this one? That’s ok. But your beloved is worth 4 minutes, right?

 Sometimes we have expectations of our relationships that are unrealistic, but since we don’t examine them, we don’t realize our mistakes.

Here are 10 myths that Dr. Phil McGraw writes about in Relationship Rescue,

1. A great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds. Men and women are too different to truly understand each other. Let’s accept our differences as enrichment, rather than making them sources of conflict.
2. A great relationship demands a great romance. Being in love is not like first falling in love. Emotions move in time from exciting to deep and secure.
3. A great relationship requires great problem solving. All relationships will have long term issues that will continue to be disagreed about. Let’s place the relationship above the conflict. Agree to disagree. Achieve closure on the emotions, even if we can’t find closure on the issue.
4. A great relationship requires common interests that bond us together forever. It’s not what we do, it’s how we do it. If forcing ourselves into common activities creates tension, don’t do it. Let’s enjoy what we naturally have in common.
5. A great relationship is a peaceful one. Arguing is neither good nor bad. If done in a healthy way, it can release tension and resolve problems, building a trust that we can disagree and still be close. Suppression of conflict can be destructive if it keeps issues from getting resolved. The key is to get emotional closure at the end of a disagreement so that; even if the problem isn’t solved, both find their minds and hearts in balance.
6. A great relationship lets us vent all our feelings. Many relationships are destroyed because one person could not forgive what the other said or did in anger.
7. A great relationship has nothing to do with sex. Sex provides an important time-out from life’s stress and adds closeness that is extremely important. If our sexual relationship is good, it registers about 10% on the importance scale. However, if we don’t have a good sexual relationship, it registers about 90% on the scale, taking on gigantic focus of the relationship.
8. A great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner. As long as the quirks or nuances are not abusive or blatantly destructive, we can learn to live with them.
9. There is a right way and a wrong way to make our relationship great. What is important is what works for the couple. This also holds true for how our beloved shows us love. It might not be the way we would choose, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
10.   Our relationship can become great only when we get our partner straightened out. We are jointly accountable for the current state of our relationship. Instead of waiting for our partner to change, we can and will serve ourselves much better by looking at ourselves instead of our partners.

 And speaking of looking at ourselves, Dr. Phil discusses some “bad spirits” that are destructive to our relationships and which we can change. We need to know our self-defeating nature so intimately that if it appears, we’ll be able to spot it and stop it immediately.

1. We’re scorekeepers. Partners cooperate, not compete. Focus on what we can give, not on what we are owed. Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control.
2. We’re fault finders. If we’re criticizing, we’re not praising. And if we’re criticizing, we are not connecting. We are driving our partners away.
3. We think it’s our way or the highway. Our intolerance of our partner’s initiatives or ideas puts our own ego above the welfare of the relationship.
4. We turn into attack dogs. We start out discussing an issue and end up ripping into our partner with a personal attack.
5. We are passive war mongers. We thwart our partner by constantly doing that which we deny we are doing or the exact opposite of what we say we are doing. Our passively aggressiveness is designed to control, but insidiously and underhandedly.
6. We resort to smoke and mirrors. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced isn’t real. The result is utter emotional confusion.
7. We will not forgive. When we choose to bear anger at our partner, we build a wall around ourselves.  Negativity begins to dominate our life. But by forgiving our partner, we can release ourselves.
8. We are bottomless pits. We are so needy that we consistently undermine our chances of success. Our partner is frustrated by never seeming to be able to “fill us up,” and never knows a fully functioning peaceful relationship.
9. We’re too comfortable. We don’t challenge ourselves; we don’t strive for any kind of excellence. It takes risk to keep a relationship improving.
10. We’ve given up. Often seen in an abusive relationship, this learned helplessness kills our spirit.

We’re not perfect people, so no relationship is perfect. But marriage makes us uncomfortable enough to encourage us to grow. We want to keep getting better, being more loving, and growing closer—for ourselves, for our partners, for our marriage, and for our families.

 Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more about it: McGraw, Dr. Phil (2000). Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner. Hyperion.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Sex and Fitness

Next week, we’ll be starting Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, but before we leave the Feldhahns’ books, I’d like to list a few more of their findings:

• With sex, her “no” doesn’t mean you.  Many women don’t have the same need to pursue sex as much as men do. (Though 1 in 4 marriages see the woman wanting more sex than the man.) They do care about sex, enjoy sex, and want to have a great sexual relationship with their man. Women’s lower level of desire for sex usually has nothing to do with their man’s desirability.
  • She has a lower level of sexually assertive hormones which means less craving for sex, less likelihood to initiate, more susceptibility to distractions, yet most women would change all this if they could. Don’t take “not tonight” personally. Use it as a learning tool to understand why.
  • She needs more warm up time than men. Either she needs to take it slowly, or needs some anticipation time. Women want to be romantically pursued.
  • Men’s bodies (no matter how great) do not turn on her body. Her mind may notice and find her husband attractive, but her body won’t, at least until sexually involved. However, lack of grooming can turn her off. (Showered? -check. Teeth brushed? – check.)
  • For her, sex starts in her heart. Her body’s response is tied to how she feels emotionally about her husband at the moment. Great sex starts with a man helping his wife feel happy and close to him outside the bedroom. Hug her sometimes just to hug her. Or share housework so she isn’t so tired.
  • She wants pleasure as much as he does, and if it isn’t happening, she may be reluctant. Women often would prefer to protect their husband from feeling inadequate and so don’t express their dissatisfaction, at the expense of the possibility of working together to solve this problem.
  • When in doubt, ask questions. What do you like? What don’t you like? How can we improve?

• Sex unlocks a man’s emotions. A woman’s sexual desire for her husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
  • Men believe that the women who love them don’t seem to realize that wanting more sex than they are getting is a crisis—not for the man, but for the relationship.
  • Sex fills a powerful emotional need. At a most basic level men want to be wanted.
  • Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired. It salves his loneliness and infuses him with confidence.
  • A “no” to a man feels like a rejection. He wants to feel irresistible to his wife. A continued lack of desire on a woman’s part can lead him to depression.
  • A woman can enhance her relationship if she leaves her husband in no doubt that she loves to love him.
  • Make sex a priority. If you need professional help, get it. Talk to your spouse. Even though this is a sensitive subject, it’s critical.

• Women need to feel beautiful in their husband’s eyes.
  • The little girl inside each woman needs to know her husband thinks she is pretty and he only has eyes for her. “You look fine,” isn’t good enough. She needs to be beautiful to him. He has a great ability to build her up in this area, or tear her down. She needs to hear it, and hear it often.
  • A husband is his wife’s mirror. He can reflect back to her what she needs to hear. If he doesn’t, she is vulnerable to both her inner questions and the external pressure from an intimidating world.
  • In our culture women are not being protected emotionally, but rather, humiliated for their lack of perfect looks. A husband who can reflect to her how lovely he thinks she is proves the best antidote to her own critique of her personal flaws and society’s external pressure. Give her specific, honest compliments.  Say it sincerely; say it immediately when you see her.
  • If a man is his wife’s mirror, he becomes a shattering hammer if he looks elsewhere. If she sees his glance linger over a beautiful women, she ceases to feel special. She feels like she can never be what he really wants.
  • Pornography sends the same message. Wives are injured when husbands look elsewhere for a thrill that they vowed to look for only in her.

• Men need to feel that their wife makes an effort at her appearance for his sake. (But they REALLY don’t want to talk about dissatisfaction with their wife’s appearance. DON’T ask your husband. We women know deep down if we’ve become complacent.)
  • A husband who sees that his wife is striving to look good for him feels that his wife cares about him.
  • What’s on the outside matters to him. Men desperately want women to know this, but because they know how fragile women are about their appearance, they feel absolutely unable to tell them.
  • This is not to say they need wives to be supermodels. And they certainly don’t want women to go to unhealthy extremes of eating disorders. Men are focusing here on weight, fitness, and appearance issues that women can healthfully do something about. Almost every man cares if his wife is out of shape and isn’t making a true effort to change.
  • When women take care of themselves, men feel loved. When they don’t, men feel unvalued and unhappy. Men want and need to feel proud of their wife.
  •  Perfection isn’t the goal. He’s as pleased by your effort as you are by his less-than-perfect attempts at romance.
  • Again, Shaunti stresses you shouldn’t panic your husband by asking him about this. He doesn’t want to make you cry. If you are not realistically happy with your overall appearance and fitness level, assume he’s not either. (Betty, here—I am a little uncomfortable ever giving advice NOT to talk to each other, but my husband agrees with the author.)
  • Good news. Husbands are likely to be very willing to help! That may mean financially, or by taking care of the children while you take care of you.

The above topics are some of the hardest subjects for men and women to talk about with their spouses. However, at the end of the surveys the Feldhahns asked, “What is the one thing that you wish your spouse knew, but you feel you can’t explain?” By far the top response was:

How deep their love and respect is.

Here’s your chance. Go tell him or her.

I’m going to.

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: These are also available on CD which make them easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Purity

I was all set to write about questions to ask each other this week, topics to consider before you decide you are ready to marry. A good safe subject, and a valuable one that will probably come next week. But then I started to think about what else single people should think about, and had to face one of the most difficult subjects to write well.

Sex.

It’s a minefield of a topic. I could come across as preachy. An Old Fogey. Pollyana. Or out of touch. I might say too much or more likely, not enough. I run a serious risk of alienating my readers, something writers avoid at all cost.

Please honor the courage this will take and continue to read. I’ll speak first to those of you who want to wait until marriage before sharing yourselves sexually and then to those who haven’t waited, as God holds blessings for all.

To be completely open: I believe sexual love is a beautiful and Godly gift when it expresses a life-long covenant. Conversely, I believe sexual expressions of unity, when no lifelong unity is intended, wound the hearts and souls of both parties, and often, innocent others. These wounds make future relationships more difficult to develop in a healthy, holy manner.

That said, I’m going to turn to some points made by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice in For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, a book they wrote after interviewing and surveying hundreds of young men. Though everything below is a generalization, I urge you not to assume your relationship is the exception. Talk seriously and honestly, respecting the vulnerability that honesty brings.

The authors offer several statistically supported insights, first about appearance:

• A guy is automatically tempted to sexually fantasize about an attractive female figure he’s seen. This is completely normal, and a temptation men struggle with throughout their lives. Yes, Christian men, as well.
• Guys think girls know they are enticing men to fantasize about them when they dress provocatively. The way girls dress sends messages they might not intend. Girls might think their outfit says “Cute” when guys receive the signal “Easy.” Yet, it is possible to dress both modestly and attractively.
• Guys fall for girls who don’t have supermodel bodies, but physical attraction is necessary for a dating relationship. Guys want their girlfriends to be healthy, not unrealistically thin, not suffering from eating disorders. But also, they see significantly overweight girls as having low self esteem, which is not attractive to them. The key here is that working toward health is appealing. If you know your eating habits are unhealthy, please, seek professional help.
• Your appearance sends a signal of how you feel about yourself. “As the guys see it, they want girls that think enough of themselves to put effort into their appearance. That showed the guys that the girl was confident in who she was as a person.”

Now, insights about sex:

• Many guys feel neither the ability nor the responsibility to stop the sexual progression. And those who do feel the responsibility don’t want to have to stop it alone.
• Having sex doesn’t mean he loves her or is committed to her. This is a difficult attitude for girls to believe. To women, the physical element is an outpouring of love, but men may “use love to get sex”. In general, guys have premarital sex for physical pleasure; girls have premarital sex to fill an emotional need for connection. Many hearts are broken over this misunderstanding.
• As soon as a girl has sex with a guy, he’ll likely doubt whether he can trust her. Even if he pushed for the sex, the introduction of this doubt will undermine the relationship. “The line gets blurred between love and hormones. From then on, you’re always wondering which factor is in play.”
• Guys want to marry a virgin. As unfair as that seems, the double standard still exists.

When young men were asked to imagine themselves giving anonymous advice to girls, including their sisters, they rose to the occasion. They want to be protective of their sisters and friends. They want to be heroes. I think their advice applies to men and women. They wrote:

• Set boundaries. It helps to have talked ahead of time about expectations. Having predetermined boundaries makes limits easier than when judgment is clouded by hormones.
• Don’t assume anyone is immune to temptation. Don’t rely completely on the person you are with, no matter how honorable he is. He’s tempted, too!
• “Do a Joseph!” When Joseph of the Old Testament was tempted by Potiphar’s wife, he ran! Flee from sexual temptation.
• Be yourself. If they don’t like you for you, they aren’t worth your time. Never compromise your principles. Be confident. After all, you are a child of the King of Kings!

You are a child of the King of Kings, no matter what relationship mistakes you’ve made! Even if you are reading this wounded from the past, or in a relationship where you are dissatisfied with the decisions you’ve made, you are a treasure! God helps us to grow from every experience we’ve had and can turn all mistakes into good. He heals our wounds and creates in us new, healthy hearts. Turn to Him!

I hope everyone who is reading this has experienced the joy of a loving, forgiving parent who thinks you are a gift to the world. But even if you have not, know that God is the perfect parent who loves unconditionally and delights in you, His creation. He wants to see you healthy and whole and is always ready to help you grow. His commands show His loving desire to protect us from harm.

You can reclaim a purity of heart. You can realize your worth as a beloved child of God and decide to only express your physical love when it is the symbol or outpouring of lifelong commitment before God. Not as giving in to temptation and not out of emotional need, but as a gift between two strong people, willing to sacrifice for each other and pledged to one another for life.

I’ll be praying for you,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: Also available on CD which makes it easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

I also recommend:

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Windows & Pop Ups

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Marriage. Did last week’s post about women’s desire for emotional security and men’s double burden of financial responsibility and secret sense of inadequacy spark any good discussions? I hope so.

This week we return to the Feldhahn s’ books to talk about windows and pop ups. Remind you of your computer? We’ll use the computer analogy to better understand our partners.

First, the windows:

Men surveyed by Shaunti Feldhahn were surprised to learn that, unlike their own linear thinking, women tend to balance many thoughts and emotions at the same time. Like having many windows open on your computer and “alt-tabbing” back and forth between them.

Generally women are more adept at multi-tasking than men. In a typical minute a woman may be primarily focusing on her work, but also assessing whether her children are safe, calculating whether she’ll be able to finish the tasks of the day, considering what to have for dinner tonight, conscious that her coworker is in a bad mood, all the while feeling uneasy because she is worried about whether her husband left without a kiss this morning because something is bothering him. About half of all women might add to this list a vulnerability to “pop ups” of emotion from past experiences that seem to come out of nowhere. Women find it very difficult to compartmentalize thoughts or turn off emotions until a later time. And if their primary relationship is troubled, everything else is affected.

An awareness of how emotions pervade a woman’s thoughts can help men be better listeners. Men tend to want to fix things—much to a woman’s dismay—when what she wants is to be listened to. You see, for women the problem IS the emotion involved, more so than the situation that led to it. Men make tremendous strides in a relationship when they learn to listen to the feeling that is expressed, even more than the words. Then acknowledge the emotion. Words like, “That must have been frustrating,” or “That would have made me mad, too” are much more satisfying than, “Why didn’t you…” or “You should have….”

Of course, if she’s saying, “The sink is plugged,” she’s probably looking for you to fix it, not empathize. Or if you see that she can’t settle into a conversation because she’s distracted by worrying about the noise the kids are making in the next room, fix it by going to check on them yourself. But when she is talking to you and her voice is tight with emotion, her feelings are the message you should be tracking. If you aren’t sure how to respond, ask her. “Do you want advice, or just to be heard?”

Men also have pop up thoughts to deal with, but of a completely different kind. Women have accepted that men tend to be visual beings. To us that might simply mean we dress attractively to hold their attention. To men, though, it goes far beyond that. When a man sees an appealing woman, her unbidden image replays in his mind, possibly for years afterwards. Throw in movie love scenes, bra ads, jeans commercials, provocatively dressed teens walking past, a coworker’s fitted skirt, the Playboy cover he glimpsed at the grocery store, cheerleaders at the game, or a waitress’s cleavage. Our culture assails him with a barrage of enticing images that pop up more often than he cares to admit.

Notice I said unbidden. These visual replays have nothing to do with a roving eye, nor a dissatisfaction or lack of love for his wife. Many men would choose to turn off this temptation if they could. They are simply part of his gender’s makeup. He’s been struggling with these images since he was a teen. He can’t avoid wanting to look at a beautiful woman, though with effort he can choose not to. Still, he will be intensely aware of the woman he avoids watching. Of course, some men are more or less visual than others and will be more or less distracted by provocative scenes, but the sensual mental images seem to be a rather universal male experience.

Even Job of the Bible, whom God called, “the finest man in all the earth” (Job 1:8) knew temptation. He says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust at a young woman.” (Job 31: 1)

Shaunti Feldhahn points out to men that they have choices:

• For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily.
• Every man’s involuntary physical impulse is to enjoy the feelings associated with these thoughts.
• But every man can make a choice—to dwell on the images and thoughts, or to dismiss them. Men honor their wives when they resist their desire to visually consume an attractive woman.

Ladies, how do we help our husband once we realize how temptations surround and bombard him? First, set aside our natural tendency to feel resentful or insecure when we notice him noticing another woman. We can show him we appreciate the effort he makes to redirect his attention to us, with a simple smile or a thank you. Remember, our husbands need our encouragement and support, not our judgment. Shaunti quotes one man, “The more I can reveal my weaknesses without being judged or accused, or without a major crisis in our relationship resulting from my transparency, the more I know I am loved for who I am, not for who she wants me to be.”

Second, make a point of examining what inadvertent temptation we might cause by how we dress, as well as what we teach out daughters about modesty. (Shaunti has written a book called, For Young Women Only.)

In summary, women are distracted in their multi-tasking by emotions that intrude and hold on until they are resolved. Men are distracted by the countless sensual images that our society surrounds them with. It’s as difficult for a woman to turn off her emotions as it is for men to turn off their mental images. As hard for men to ignore sensuality as it is for women to forget an argument.

How will knowing this enhance our relationships? Might make a great conversation starter…

Let’s pray for all marriages this week.

I’ll be praying for yours,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: These are also available on CDs which make them easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.