Fighting Fear

This Lent we will pursue the topic of fear.

Why should we fight fear? Isn’t fear a good thing? Well, yes, sometimes. When there truly is a danger to us or others, fear is good if it inspires us to an action that prevents harm.

Not all fear is healthy. It can become debilitating and keep us from growing to our full potential.

Reasons to fight fear:

1.  Physical – Prolonged or frequent fear causes damage to our bodies. Excessive worry can negatively affect our sleep, appetite, concentration, or cause headaches, nausea, and muscle tension. Anxiety can trigger a stress response sending us into fight/flight/freeze mode and flooding our bodies with adrenaline. Stress hormones such as cortisol are released to raise blood sugar levels and provide fuel for dealing with perceived danger. If such anxiety happens chronically, If we don’t expend the energy with physical activity as we would if we were fleeing or fighting, the fuel builds up and can lead to a suppression of our immune system, digestive issues, artery disease, and even heart attacks.
2. Social – If we are afraid to take risks, we don’t reach out to others. We miss opportunities to build friendships or find our “one and only.” We may stay in relationships that are unhealthy, preferring what we know to the unknown, thinking we’d rather be with anyone than alone. Our careers may suffer if we don’t have the confidence to ask for help and seek out mentors.
3. Emotional – Fear keeps us from growth. Fear will always be present as we stretch and try new things, but if it keeps us from acting we will stagnate, rather than find joy in accomplishment and a sense of capability and self-confidence.
4. Intellectual – Learning something new requires admitting incompetence or ignorance and it can be frightening to not be good at something. But striving to better oneself intellectually is very brave. We will make mistakes but we will learn from them and grow.
5. Psychological – Fear grows if we don’t face it. What starts as a discomfort can become a full phobia if we don’t bravely take on our fears. Or a fear of one thing can generalize to fearing something else. I once realized I grew anxious each time I drove to a particularly challenging class. That generalized over time to being stressed when I drove to any class, and before long, every time I drove. Recognizing the unfoundedness of my fear helped me process it and move on.
6. Spiritual –God wants us to connect with him and with his other children. Fear blocks connection. His Saints realized this and overcame their fear. St. Francis de Sales wrote,

“The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.”

God’s Word, in both the Old and New Testaments, tells us over and over not to be afraid.  Why is that? Because fear can immobilize us. Because fear blocks love. Because fear shows a lack of trust in God who loves us and wants what is best for us. Here are just a few of God’s exhortations:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? Psalm 118:6

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Years ago our pastor asked in his homily, “What do you know, deep down, you should be doing, but you aren’t because you are afraid?” (These emails grew from that challenge.) Ask yourself now, “What do I know, deep down, I should be doing, but I am not because I’m afraid?” If something comes to mind immediately, hold on to that thought, but then ask yourself what else and see what comes to mind. If nothing specific surfaces, what do you suspect you should or wish you could set fear aside and do? You know courage isn’t the absence of fear, it is acting in the face of fear.

What do you fear?

• Something as concrete as a particular person, or an illness, or financial strife?
• Something more abstract like not living up to expectations or not being respected?
•  Something in the future, like the loss of a spouse or old age?
• Or maybe something from your past coming to light?

Is your fear reasonable and inspires you to prepare? Wanting a good grade in a difficult class might cause us to study harder. Needing enough money for retirement can encourage us to spend less now and save more. Or is the fear irrational and unlikely, but still very real to you?

For this week:

• Identify your fears and which you should fight.
• Understand that fear is human. We all experience it. However, giving in to fear keeps us from becoming the best we can be, from building the kingdom of God here on earth, from loving as deeply as we are able.
• Contemplate that God does not want us to be afraid. He promises to be with us throughout our challenges and to give us strength.
• Ponder that God loves us, wholly, completely, unconditionally, and always. He wants what is best for us.

With an ally like God, what or whom should we fear?

Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody

-- 
Betty Arrigotti
Author of Christian Love Stories:
  Hope and a Future (Oaktara 2010)
  Where Hope Leads (Oaktara 2012)

www.BettyArrigotti.com

Traits of a Healthy Family

Today let’s look at some simple lists and then, if you make it through to the end, I’ll offer my own two recommendations for building healthier families.

First, an addition to the Single Parent Family topic from two weeks ago. In Dr. Phil McGraw’s book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, he lists

The most profound needs of children who are adjusting to life in a single parent family:

1.         Acceptance – They need acceptance. They need to know that they are important, that they are a priority. They will try to gain approval because their sense of belonging to the family has been shattered.

2.         Assurance of Safety – Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries, and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it’s not going to change on them.

3.         Freedom from guilt or blame for the divorce – Children often assume the blame for the dissolution of a marriage. Be conscious of this and assure your children they’re blameless.

4.         Need for structure – They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they’re still an integral part of what’s going on.

5.         Need for a stable parent who has the strength to conduct business – Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.

6.         Need to let kids be kids –

•          Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

•          Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

Now on to all families:

In Traits of a Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, she writes that families for ages held traditional goals:

1.         To achieve economic survival.

2.         To provide protection.

3.         To pass on the religious faith.

4.         To educate their young.

5.         To confer status.

These goals were largely taken for granted until the 1900s. Today we focus instead on relationship. Curran writes, “We marry so we can love and be loved, not feed and be fed. We join together in a search for intimacy, not protection. We have children so that we can give and be given to, care and be cared about, and share the joys of connecting with posterity, not for old-age bread and bed. Abraham Maslow once observed that we are the first generation in the history of peoples sufficiently beyond sustenance to be able to focus on the quality of our relationships.”

Here’s Curran’s list of the traits of today’s healthy family:

1.         Communicates and listens

2.         Fosters table time and conversations

3.         Affirms and supports one another

4.         Teaches respect for others

5.         Develops a sense of trust

6.         Has a sense of play and humor

7.         Has a balance of interaction among members

8.         Shares leisure time

9.         Exhibits a sense of shared responsibility

10.       Teaches a sense of right and wrong

11.       Has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound

12.       Has a shared religious core

13.       Respects the privacy of one another

14.       Values service to others

15.       Admits to and seeks help with problems

Not a bad list to strive towards. I think I like it better than Stephen Covey’s but I’m offering his list for those it might appeal to. In Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey writes:

“Good families—even great families—are off track 90 percent of the time! The key is that they have a sense of destination. They know what the “track” looks like. And they keep coming back to it time and time again.” 

Stephen Covey’s list of habits for effective families includes:

1.         Be Proactive – Become an agent of change in your family

2.         Begin with the End in Mind – Develop a family mission statement

3.         Put first things first – Make family a priority in a turbulent world

4.         Think “Win-Win.” – Move from “me” to “we”

5.         Seek first to understand . . .then to be understood – solve family problems through empathic communication

6.         Synergize – build family unity through celebrating differences

7.         Sharpen the saw – renew the family spirit through traditions

Well done! You made it to the end, so here are

Two of my suggestions for growing a healthier family:

1.         If you know you make unhealthy choices in an area—whether physical, emotional, spiritual or relational—get whatever help you need to become healthier.  A family benefits whenever any member improves.

2.         Spend more relaxed time interacting with your family. Sacrifices you’ll need to make for this to happen (turning off the TV, computer, and cell phone) are worth it. You won’t regret it. In our marriage, from the time our fourth was born, we made time for a date night each week (in order to complete a whole sentence and keep our relationship strong.) During the hectic years with four elementary school daughters, we restricted them each to one activity beyond faith formation classes. Schedules became more complicated with teenagers, but we flexibly enforced Sunday afternoons as family time and, with rare exceptions, expected everyone home for dinners.

I’ve quoted him before, but I still love Matthew Kelly’s concept that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. “No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.” *

Does anyone remember the commercial, “Try it, you’ll like it”? Try family carefree timelessness today. You will like it, even if the eight year old stomps his feet and crosses his arms. Or wait, maybe that was the fifteen year old. Secretly, they’ll love having your focused attention.

Blessings on your week!

*For more information about carefree timelessness and Matthew Kelly visit www.DynamicCatholic.com