Fair Fighting

During this week of our Lord’s passion to redeem our weaknesses and faults, I thought it might be fitting to offer some insights about fair fighting. Read through these and, with your spouse, choose what your disagreement rules will be. Or write your own!

Fight like the world’s happiest couples from The Exceptional 7 Percent by Gregory K. Popcak:

• The argument must move things along to a mutually satisfying solution. Unhealthy if it never resolves anything.
• There are certain lines the couple simply doesn’t cross no matter how heated their discussion gets. Disallow anything that makes one defensive or quickly escalates the argument.
• Maintain your own dignity. No matter how crazy you think your spouse is acting, you must be able to be proud of your own conduct at the end of the day.
• In the couple’s overall relationship, there is a five to one ratio of positivity to negativity. You must be five times more complimentary than critical.
• Is this an argument worth having? Know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. Is it about something that will stop you fulfilling your values, ideals, or goals?
• Begin with the end in mind. What do I need to know from my spouse to feel better about this problem? What do I think needs to happen so we can avoid this in the future? What changes will I have to make to solve this problem?
• Take time outs to cool down if necessary. If you start to think your spouse is the problem, take a break to think more lovingly.
• When things heat up, practice “red hot loving” by doing something loving for your mate—a touch, compliment, or service that reminds you both you are partners in problem solving.
• Look for the positive intention behind your spouse’s negative behavior and work with spouse to find more respectful alternatives to meet needs.
• Never show contempt whether gesture or words. This always escalates the disagreement. One of the worst acts of contempt is threatening divorce. It undermines your spouse’s ability to trust you, damages the security of your relationship, and offends the dignity of your marriage.
• Don’t nag. Solve! Set a deadline for something to get done and if it doesn’t, call for help to get it done or do it yourself as an act of love. Your spouse’s help is a gift that should be freely given but, like any gift, you have no right to demand it.
• Don’t parent each other. Never deny what your spouse wants to do, but freely negotiate the how and when.
• L.O.V.E. Look for the positive intention. Omit contempt. Verify what was meant. Encourage each other throughout the conflict.

Judith Viorst suggests rules of engagement for fighting in Grown-Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married:

• Never irretrievably lose it. Refrain from physical violence, intimidation, or coercion, as well as remembering words can damage the heart and soul. All of us have the capacity to choose to exert some restraint, to choose to control ourselves.
• Keep in mind that we probably won’t always feel the way we currently feel.
• Accept responsibility when we’re responsible.
• Don’t practice psychiatry on our spouse without a license. Or even if we do, in fact, have a license.
• If possible, try to laugh.
• Don’t wait too long before saying what is bothering us to avoid getting meaner as our grievances are bottled up.
• Know in advance what you want from the fight. “I’m upset; here’s why I’m upset; here’s what I want.”
• No fair reproaching our spouse with, “If you really loved me…”
• Stick to the point and stick to the present. Don’t draw on the past and on every other grievance you’ve ever had.
• Never attack an Achilles heel. We know each other’s most sensitive vulnerabilities. Attacking them may be forgiven but probably not forgotten.
• Don’t overstate your injuries.
• Don’t overstate your threats. Ultimatums might backfire.
• Don’t cite authority, “everybody says,” or the latest magazine article.
• Don’t just talk; we have to listen, too.
• Respect the feelings as well as the facts.
• Sometimes simply agree to disagree.
• When finished fighting, don’t continue to snipe.
• Compromise rather than going for a win. How can we win if the person we love the most loses?

Let’s review John Gottman and Nan Silver’s recommendations from Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last:

• At a most basic level, we all want love and respect in a relationship.
• Complaints are specific and about one behavior. They can enhance a relationship if spouses are open to growth.
• Criticism, on the other hand, attacks the person.
• Contempt attacks the person with an intent to hurt.
• Defensiveness, or the poor-me stance, relinquishes our ability to accept the challenge of self improvement for the sake of the ones we love.
• De-escalate a disagreement by reaffirming your admiration for your spouse, interjecting healthy humor, touching affectionately, stepping back to make a comment about your current feelings, or trying to look at things from your spouse’s point of view.
• When we want to turn our backs (stonewall) is when we must keep turning back toward each other.

And from the greatest Source, two Bible verses to ponder:

• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)
• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

Throughout Lent we strive to improve ourselves. May we also improve our relationships so our example brings grace to all who know us.

PS – On Friday I will offer an additional post particularly for those who have suffered the heartbreak of divorce.

How can our marriages become exceptional?

In this week’s book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples by Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, the author discusses a continuum of marriage types from weakest to strongest.

Deadly Marriages:

In Chaotic marriages, both husband and wife are bent on self-destruction in an attempt to escape, either from their past or from the world as it is.

In Codependent marriages, one is bent on self destruction and the other is determined to save the partner.

 If either of these two deadly marriages lead the couple to learn to demand basic safety and financial security from their lives and relationships, they can grow to become more functional but will focus on survival rather than love as in the following group:

Shipwrecked marriages are all about staying afloat. They may be

Materialistic, where they value financial security above all else. In these the husband is often neglectful or controlling while the wife is dependent.

Or Safety marriages, where the wife with a traumatic past chooses a nice, quiet man to avoid conflict and pursue a stress-free life.

Or Rescue marriages where both spouses fled traumatic childhoods. They are happy to have survived, and don’t ask for more.

If they do learn to expect more from life,

find meaningful roles or work,

learn to meet their own needs, rather than rely on spouse,

learn to relate to their mate,

AND challenge their addiction to comfort in the relationship, they may move to:

Conventional Marriages which are built to support and maintain a couple’s place in world. In a conventional marriage:

• Both spouses are relatively sure of their own ability to provide for at least basic needs.
• Both have found personally meaningful work or social roles to play.
• Both have at least a casual identification with or membership in some significant “values group,” for example churches or organizations. They use their membership to sharpen their self concept and clarify the values that are   important to them.
• Both have negotiated at least the most basic communication differences between men and women.
• Here  love is warm and comfortable but the number one threat is growing apart. Other problems include domestic scorekeeping (whose turn it is to do what and how much is fair) and marital chicken (you change first). Most marriages in this category are moderately stable and moderately satisfying. With work, they can become:

Exceptional Marriages

These marriages make up only 7 % of first time married couples and 7% of remarried couples. The first stage is:

Partnership Marriages which are primarily concerned with pursuing and increasing personal competence. This pursuit allows:

• Egalitarianism. No job is off limits for either spouse. A 100/100 partnership keeps them from 50/50 mentality.
• True intimacy, because no matter how much they give to the marriage they know they will not be taken for granted. They see each other as their best hope for becoming the people they want to be by the end of their lives, by helping each other grow in identity strength and move toward actualization of their shared spiritual values, moral ideals and emotional goals.
• Rapport and negotiation. The intense interest in and sharing each other’s worlds tend to remove the last barriers to communication.

To move up, partnership marriages must develop a truly spiritual sexuality and exhibit a willingness to make financial sacrifices, setting serious limits on anything that distracts them from actualizing their value system. Then they may find themselves part of a

Spiritual Peer Marriage whose marital theme is the pursuit of intimacy, simplification, and actualization. These couples are a joyful, living breathing example of their particular value system. These couples hold common traits:

• Simplification – they are off the fast track, having discovered deeper values.
• Competence – both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life
• Egalitarianism over equality – they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.
• Each other’s best friends, they have virtually no secrets from each other, and have achieved a level of spiritual sexuality that is truly enviable.
• As in Maslow’s definition of self actualized – They are accepting of themselves and others, are at peace when life becomes unpredictable, are spontaneous and creative, have a good sense of humor, value their privacy, can take care of themselves, are capable of deeply intimate relationships, and have an open, positive attitude about life.

How can our marriages become exceptional?

1. Design a marital imperative – an internalized set of values, ideals, and goals which must guide and clarify every action and decision of your life. Then every interaction—pleasant or unpleasant—between you and your spouse becomes another opportunity to pursue those very principles and qualities you hold most dear.

Work to improve in the areas exceptional couples excel in:

2. Exceptional Fidelity, the promise to “forsake all others,” includes all those friendships, family-of-origin commitments, career opportunities, and community involvements that do not serve to increase either the physical and mental health of each spouse or the intimacy of the marriage.

3. Exceptional Love is a calling. They do loving things for their mate every day, whether or not they feel like it and whether or not their mate “deserves” it.

4. Exceptional Mutual service is valued more than “fairness” or sharply defined roles and responsibilities. Each actively looks for opportunities to serve and nurture their mate, creating a dance of competence that enables chores and other domestic responsibilities to be passed back and forth gracefully, and accomplished efficiently.

5. Exceptional Rapport becomes the result of overcoming both their basic gender and personality differences, allowing them to achieve an enviable level of understanding and in their relationships.

6. Exceptional Negotiation – All needs are respected and met—even when a partner’s need is not completely understood. That your need will be met is never called into question; the only topic of debate is, “What is the most efficient, respectful means by which your need can be met?”

7. Exceptional Gratitude – Every service—no matter how common or simple—is viewed as an active expression of love to be noted and appreciated.

8. Exceptional Joy – An ability to play and be joyful together. They look for new interests to share and work to share in the interests they already have. They make time to be together, work at being present to each other, and actively seek ways to ease each other’s burdens.

9. Exceptional Sexuality – They view sex as something they are. For them, lovemaking is not an activity or a performance; it is a total self-gift, a symbol and expression of all that is good about themselves and their relationship. It is a spiritually active way to connect with the Divine.

What more could we want than to connect with the Divine through our marriage? May your marriage continue to grow and bring you closer to God.

Blessings on your week!

Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

We’re going to shift gears a bit this week. Maybe you’ve tried to get your spouse to read a relationship book, an article, or even these posts and have met with resistance. Maybe each time you get excited about improving some aspect of your marriage your “other half” maintains things are just fine the way they are.

For many spouses, your desire to make your relationship better implies it isn’t good enough now, which further implies failure. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny tackle this challenge in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 Points from the blurb of the book:

• “Love is not about better communication. It’s about connection.”
• “You’ll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you talk to your girlfriends.”
• “Male emotions are like women’s sexuality: you can’t be too direct too quickly.”
• “There are 4 ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routine.
• “When men feel connected, they talk more.”

The authors find that talking about feelings and intimate issues doesn’t come naturally to most men. Instead, it heightens their anxieties and can cause them to withdraw. If you find this to be the case in your marriage, the authors have many suggestions to help.

They acknowledge that women bring one set of fears to their relationships, typically fear of isolation, harm, or deprivation. So we talk in order to reconnect and soothe away our fears.

But men tend to bring their own fears to the table, including a hidden sense of shame, inadequacy, and failure. And when women try to talk their way into connection by expressing their vulnerabilities, the men feel that they have failed the women for not protecting them from their fears. Typically men respond to this sense of failure by withdrawing, in order to escape the fears. As the men withdraw, the women feel disconnected and push to reconnect with words. Then the men withdraw more.

So we tend to exacerbate each other’s fears, rather than reassure each other.

Among the worst things a woman can do to a man is to criticize him—or behave in a way that can be construed as critical, even if not intended.

Among the worst things a man can do to a woman is to leave her feeling alone, whether concretely—alone at home or alone in bed—or abstractly—alone outside his depression or alone with her dreams or fears.

If we are left wallowing in our fears, we become vulnerable to infidelity. When we become infatuated with someone, chemical changes in our bodies make men feel more confident and women feel more connected. Simultaneously, our sense of shame decreases, which can lead us into poor decisions. Be forewarned, allowing private or secret time with someone who sparks our infatuation will permit the chemistry to lead to an affair.

Instead, Stosny and Love encourage us all to decide what our core values are and then to enhance them by

• improving a little bit in that area,
• appreciating our partner,
• connecting by genuinely caring about our partner’s emotional state,
• and protecting our beloved—
  • helping a husband relieve his dread of failure as a provider, lover, protector and father and
  • helping a wife relieve her fear of isolation, deprivation, and harm.

If you are a woman who is feeling resentful, angry, anxious, or afraid and your partner is not helping, he is trying to avoid feeling shame. Your anxiety increases his sense of inadequacy or failure. Use a physical gesture, a touch, to show that you’re with your husband. Be available to do something he’s good at. This replaces his sense of failure with competence. Honor a man’s need for routine and by doing so, help him feel loved and connected. He doesn’t know how to say it, so he tries to show you that you are what gives meaning to his life. Remember, your words can destroy him.

If you are a man who is feeling resentful, angry, sulky or withdrawn and your wife is not helping, she is feeling anxious. Your irritation increases her fear. Instead, be there, in her emotion, with her. Don’t try to fix her problems. Incorporate small gestures of connection like hugs or kisses or focused attention to her into your daily routine.

The authors say the bottom line is to think connection, rather than communication. We must protect each other from our respective vulnerabilities to fear and shame.

Both men and women must replace resentment with compassion. We need binocular vision – to see every upsetting time from both our and our partner’s point of view. Then we must respond to the anxiety, rather than the situation content.

Ask yourself, how do I make it hard for my spouse to give me what I want? (How do I increase my beloved’s fears?) How could I make it easier?

Generally, the authors say we must “step into the puddle.” Tune into the emotional state of the other. Imagine it. Try to feel it. It will be uncomfortable, but don’t respond with defensiveness.

Approach rather than either avoiding or attacking.

Here are a few concrete suggestions they offer:

1. Fix your partner firmly in your heart 4 times a day – upon waking, before leaving home, returning, and before sleep.
2. Hug 6 times for at least 6 seconds per day. This is said to increase serotonin (a calming neurotransmitter).
3. Hold positive thoughts about your relationship for 10 seconds as often as possible.
4. Make a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity.
5. When you make a mistake, recognize it, feel remorse for it, and repair it.
6. Finally, a nightly embrace – “allow the warmth of the embrace to wash out every sliver of fear and shame.”

And so doing, create love beyond words.