Fighting Fear with God’s Help

Only two days until we celebrate Easter, complete with rabbits, chicks, and lambs. Our final post in the Fighting Fear series asks, “What do we, as lambs with a Good Shepherd, have to fear?”

In A Shepherd Looks at the 23^rd Psalm, Phillip Keller analyzes the psalm from both his perspective as a shepherd in Africa and later as a lay minister. As the psalm follows a flock of sheep through a year of care, Keller helps us understand the goodness of our Shepherd as the rural culture of biblical times would have understood the story.

He explains the psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd–

David, the psalmist and a shepherd, understood how much his people and we are like sheep. He’s proud and jubilant that our Shepherd is the one who created the immense universe and yet He cares about and for each of us. As Jesus asserts that He is the Good Shepherd, we learn that this guardian and guide of ours is willing to die for us. We belong to Him because He created us and because He bought our redemption with His death. He is a shepherd of compassion and integrity.

I shall not want–

The author suggests a double meaning to these words. I shall not lack anything (though tribulation will come our way) but also, if I accept the Lord as my shepherd, my contentment should be obvious to others. I don’t need to pursue my own desires.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures–

Sheep only are willing to lie down if they are free from fear, tension from the dominance of flock mates, aggravations from parasites and insects, and hunger. Only the shepherd can alleviate these needs: he protects, rebukes contention, applies oil to prevent infestation, and provides rich, lush fields through hard work in the typical dry lands where sheep flourish. Simply seeing him in the field will calm them. Like the sheep, we have our fears, our fights for status, our petty irritations and challenges, and a spiritual hunger. Through His Spirit and His Word he calms our fears, encourages love, guides us through our challenges, and delights in being with us, satiating our hunger.

He leads me besides the still waters–

A good shepherd brings his sheep to pasture while the grass is still heavy with dew. He leads them away from polluted puddles and guides them to fresh water. He maintains the streams and pools of his land so that they are clean and safe for his flock, or labors to draw heavy buckets of water from wells. Our Good Shepherd satisfies our thirst by drawing us to Him. Like sheep led to grass while dew is still heavy, we are encouraged to turn our thoughts to Him before our day begins, studying his Word and conversing with Him.

He restores my soul–

We are not always at peace. Sometimes we are downcast and disheartened. Sheep, too, are frequently “cast,” which means they lie down and either because of the hollow they choose, the heaviness of their fleece, or being overweight, they flounder with legs up and unable to right themselves. Left this way they can die quickly from abdominal gas buildup or predators. When we find ourselves to be helpless, unable to recover from a mistake or sin, our Shepherd leaves the 99 sheep to search for, find, and set us lovingly back on our feet. He restores our souls!

He leads me in right paths for His name’s sake–

Sheep tend to stay in a rut. They will follow the same path, drink in the same spot, and forage down to the roots rather than move on. Left long in the same area, they will devastate the land, pollute the waters, and beat paths into gullies. If the shepherd rotates them through different pastures, they enhance the soil and the fertilized grass can regrow.

Our Good Shepherd also wants to lead us in healthy ways. However, like sheep, we would rather stay in our ruts than allow ourselves to be led. In order for us to enhance His Kingdom, we need to love our Lord and others. And by love He means self-sacrifice. He leads us to fresh experiences of service, humility, acceptance, and trust through the enabling help of his Spirit.

Yea, though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil for you are with me–

As summer comes, shepherds drive their sheep through valleys to reach higher ground. The going isn’t easy; it is uphill, and often fraught with danger from storms, flash floods, and predators, but it’s the fastest way to reach the better grazing. We too may want to move to “higher ground” with God, but we forget that the way to higher-ground, closer relationship is through our struggles up the valley. Yet He is with us as we walk through the valley. When faced with true death, either of loved ones or our own, we have faith that we pass through it into eternal life. Our struggles and sufferings become the road to God. We have no need to be afraid. In fact, when we have passed through the valleys, we can become encouragers to those still struggling through their own valleys.

Your rod and your staff they comfort me–

A shepherd’s rod was a strong club for redirection or protection for the flock. The rod symbolizes the Word of God. We take comfort and assurance from His Word that He is all powerful and will lovingly redirect us onto the right path.

The staff with its hooked end was used to rescue sheep trapped in briars or struggling in water, as well as to move a newborn lamb closer to its mother without the risk of the shepherd’s scent on the lamb causing the mother to reject it. The staff symbolizes the Spirit of God, reminding us of God’s comfort, consolation, and tenderness. The Spirit draws us together into an intimate relationship with our parental God and with other members of His flock.

When we truly believe that we can trust our loving Shepherd, the rod and the staff are comforts.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies–

In the highlands, or table lands, flocks spent the summer on land the shepherd had prepared for them by removing poisonous plants, seeking out snakes, and adding salt and minerals to the soil. The sheep and shepherd spend days and nights together, away from their farm, and the psalmist reflects this intimacy as his words change from sheep boasting about their wonderful shepherd to praise spoken directly to the shepherd. Though grazing was rich on these table lands, predators stalked the flock and were kept away only by the vigilance of the shepherd.

We take comfort knowing our Good Shepherd has gone before us, and knows of every danger we will encounter, praying for us like He did for Peter that we might not fail in faith. Because of the predator of Evil, it is wise for us to walk closely to Jesus. Work to always know Him better through the Word, the Church, prayer life, sacrificial love, and holy mentors.

You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows–

Summer flies and pests torment sheep. Nose flies can lay eggs that will become parasites that drive the sheep mad. Also, affectionately rubbing heads, sheep infect each other with scab. To protect the sheep, a conscientious shepherd will repeatedly anoint their heads with oil, which repels the insects and infection and brings them relief.

Haven’t we all had pesky irritations that prevented us from being our best? Haven’t we or our children “put our heads together” with people who do not believe as we do and come away exposed to destructive thoughts? We too need the balm of the Holy Spirit to calm our minds and refocus our beliefs. Rather than frustration demanding our attention, we can, through the Spirit who comforts, claim the fruits of joy, contentment, love, patience, gentleness and peace.

Not only will our own cup be full, but it will overflow for the good and blessing of others.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life–

As the shepherd has diligently cared for the flock, the sheep trust him and don’t fear for the future. We too know our Good Shepherd showers goodness and kindness upon us daily and we must trust He will continue to do so all the days of our lives, no matter what difficulties lie ahead for us.

Yet, perhaps the psalmist meant more. Sheep enrich the lands they travel through. Perhaps we, by being so tenderly loved, by having our cups overflow, will also provide goodness and mercy to others. Goodness should follow us wherever we go and whatever we do, a legacy of blessing for our fellow sheep.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord my whole life long–

In the fall the sheep return from the tablelands to their homeland, full and healthy and ready for winter. The speaker sheep proclaims how proud he is of his shepherd. Shepherds also take pride in and joy from their flock’s well-being.

We too should take pride in belonging to our Shepherd’s fold, “enfolded” by His love, and being welcome to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. We should be like the boasting sheep. Our love and contentment should proclaim to the world how good our Shepherd is.

With a loving Good Shepherd to watch over us, what or whom should we fear?

Thank you for reading these weekly Lenten posts. I hope they have helped you. May the Easter season fill you with new courage!

Worry Free Living

This is our penultimate week of preparation for Easter. It’s also our next-to-last look at how to fight fear in our lives. I just listened to Chris Tomlin’s song, Whom Shall I Fear, with the line, “The God of angel armies is always by my side.” What more could we ask to uphold our courage?

The book we focus on this week is Worry Free Living, by Frank Minirth, M.D., Paul Meier, M.D., and Don Hawkins, Th.M.  Though it was published in 1989, it still holds great insight, and used copies are available on Amazon. Written by two psychiatrists and a minister, this book pulls together guidance for our minds and our hearts.

The authors believe we experience anxiety when we are afraid to look at a negative emotion inside us, such as, anger, guilt, lust, or resentment. The Holy Spirit uses anxiety to draw our attention to something that needs to be aired. Though we might not want to admit a hidden truth, we must uncover it, and forgive ourselves or someone else or ask for forgiveness, in order to rid ourselves of anxiety. Forgiveness involves becoming aware of our anger and then choosing not to hold the offense against the person, in order to unburden ourselves. We decide not to seek revenge or even dwell on the offense. We don’t lick our wounds.

As we’ve read from other authors, a little anxiety can be a good thing, if it helps us prepare or encourages us to work in order to dispel the worry. Too much anxiety can lead to defense mechanisms, phobias, mental disorders, addictions, physical complications, and spiritual hopelessness. Sometimes professional help is necessary, but the authors suggest steps of self-help can prevent or alleviate anxiety for most of us:

• Meditate daily, including meditation on Scripture.
• Condition yourself to relax, using a repetitive phrase (like our affirmations) or visualizing a beautiful place to calm yourself.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Talk through problems to vent the pressure with someone you trust, and listen to theirs, too
• Limit your worry to a 15-minute time slot and push aside worries until that time (As a parent, when my girls became highly anxious we would walk around the block once or twice, limiting our expressing-worry time to that walk.
• Live one day at a time, not thinking “what if” about the future, or “if only” about the past.
• Design an Action Plan. Do something to lessen your anxiety, for instance take an assertiveness class if you have trouble expressing your wants and needs.
• Cultivate awareness of God’s presence with you. (Our God of angel armies!)
• Decide to obey God, both to avoid guilt, a source of anxiety, and because He commands us not to worry.
• Replace worry with prayer.
• Give up faulty beliefs, like perfectionism or the necessity of winning approval from all.
• Adopt a healthy lifestyle in the areas of sleep, diet, recreation, and exercise.
• Examine your self-talk and replace the negative with positive. Replace a low self-image with a sense of your worth as a child of God.
• Grow in intimacy with others. Reach out, build healthy friendships. If you aren’t able to do this, then reach out to a counselor to help you learn how. A good friend offers love, peace, open communication, mutual improvement, and refreshment.
• Grow in intimacy with God through prayer, Scripture, and meditation. Since God is for us, who can be against?

I suspect each reader has methods they use to counter fear and anxiety. As we mature, we adopt methods of self-soothing. I tell myself, “I’m safe right now.” One reader emailed that she prays, “Jesus, I trust in You.” Another reminds herself to “claim my power” or “take control of my life”.

How do you fight fear?

Fighting Fear with Fear

We’ve looked at fighting fear from a psychological perspective; we’ve talked about thinking positively, acting in spite of fear, and respecting reasonable fear.

This week, let’s turn to fighting fear spiritually. In Courage: Fighting Fear with Fear, authors Wayne and Joshua Mack remind us that nurturing fear is not part of God’s plan for us. Repeatedly, 365 times even, the Old and New Testaments instruct us not to fear. For the Macks, when Jesus tells us, “Let not your hearts be troubled; believe in God, believe also in me (John 14:1),” He is giving a command, not a soft encouragement. God wants us to be in relationship with Him, and that relationship is meant to be one of love and trust. Worrying shows a lack of trust, a disbelief that God is all-powerful, loves us unconditionally, and wants what is best for us. To be afraid of people and what they think of us borders on or is outright disobedience, because we should only be concerned with following God’s guidance. In fact, by nurturing fear, we often fail to be our best selves, and fail to live out the life of meaning that God intends us to live, thus cheating ourselves and others of the graces He wishes to bestow.

The words of the title, Fighting Fear with Fear, refer to replacing our fear of man with a healthy, holy fear of God. This concept has bothered me since I was a child. Why should we fear God, if He is all loving and all good?

An alternate translation of “It is the Lord of hosts whom you should regard as holy. And He shall be your fear, and He shall be your dread,” (Isaiah 8:13) is instead, “The Lord of Hosts, Him shall you hallow.” To hallow means to make holy, to have great respect or hold in reverence. It can mean to sanctify, as in setting apart as holy. If we “fear” God, as in hold Him in respect and awe while setting Him apart as exalted above all else, we recognize his complete power and control of every situation. If we set God apart as holy, He becomes our holy place. Our refuge. We turn away from sin because we “fear” God, respecting and honoring Him with our actions and choices. Yes, we may suffer, but we trust His plan will transform our suffering to good.

The authors point out that frequently in the Bible, the commands for us to fear God are followed by promises of consequential blessings to us:

• God will instruct us and guide us in our choices. (Psalm 25:12)
• Our souls will abide in prosperity. (Ps 25:13) And what is soul prosperity? Direction and meaning in life, inner joy and satisfaction, inner peace.
• Our descendants shall inherit the earth. (Ps 25:13, Ps 112:2) The positive influence will affect our children and our grandchildren
• The psalm continues saying the secret of the Lord is for us. This implies a very close intimacy, for it is only with our dearest that we share our secrets. (Ps 25:14)
• He hides us from the conspiracies of man. (Ps 31:20)
• We will influence others, even after our death. (Ps 112:6)
• We will not fear evil tidings. (Ps 112:7,8) 

Our fears put the focus on us, rather than our trust in God. Fear can be selfish and debilitating to what good we can accomplish. It runs counter to the two great commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind,” and, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matt. 10:28) The Macks write, “When you fear man, you are not loving God with all you have, and you aren’t loving your neighbor as yourself.” The opposite of a spirit of fear is a spirit of love. The former is self-protecting, the latter is self-giving.

How do we rid ourselves of unhealthy fear?

• Exercise our faith daily; trusting God’s Word that He is in control of everything.

• Remember heaven and how eternal it is, compared to our current short-term worry.
• Be prudent, protecting ourselves from real danger, but not to the point that it keeps us from serving others in need.
• Ask ourselves if our fear keeps us from obeying God’s commands, or causes us to disobey them.
• Replace sinful fear with holy fear, that which puts or keeps us on the right path.
• Feel sorrow and repentance when we don’t trust God enough to overcome our fear of man. 

How do we attain a healthy “fear” of God?

• Ask for a change of heart from God, that we might fear Him rather than anything or anyone else. We must ask for forgiveness and for this grace to fear Him.
• Revere God and respect those whom God has given authority.
• Devote ourselves to prayer.
• Study God’s word.
• Meditate on the truth: our sinfulness, God’s salvation, God’s goodness, His mighty works, His judgment, and His blessings. “Be still and know that I am God.” Ps 46:10
• Follow Christ’s example, which includes taking up our cross and dying to ourselves. We must trust that since God is good, when we suffer it is for his purpose, and that purpose will be for our best, even though we don’t understand.

  Here’s my favorite quote from this week’s book, which wouldn’t be a bad addition to our daily affirmations:

  “God knows, God cares, God understands, God is loving, God is good, God is sovereign, He is in control, and He will deliver my soul from destruction and keep me in my times of difficulty. There is a way out. God will work all things together for good. He will not abandon me.” 

  Finally, in the words of St. Pope John Paul II: “Do not be afraid. Do not be satisfied with mediocrity. Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.”

   

The Gift of Fear

Last week we considered the idea of feeling fear and acting anyway by calling on courage. Though I want fear fighting to be the main focus of these Lenten emails, it would be imprudent not to bring balance to the idea.

In the book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker reminds us that sometimes fear is a blessing. He distinguishes fear from anxiety or worry or hesitation by stating that true fear is always response to an immediate danger or is connected to pain or death. It is an outpouring of our intuition—a word women are comfortable with but men might prefer to call a gut reaction—that excites us to action. De Becker pleads with us to not second guess or rationalize away such fear, but instead, trust our intuition and follow its guide because it results from our mind’s drive to survive. Even before we formulate thoughts about our senses’ stimuli, our brain has connected our past experiences to our current situation and determined if we are in danger. If so, it demands immediate action. Although on reflection a person might say, “I don’t know how I knew, I just knew I needed to…,” later that person will remember the danger signals that their reasoning ignored, but their survival instinct didn’t.

On the other hand, de Becker, like our other fear-fighting experts, wants us to reduce our worries and anxiety, claiming that we can overload our minds with worrying about what might happen and miss immediate, imminent danger.

“We all know there are plenty of reasons to fear people from time to time. The question is, what are those times? Far too many people are walking around in a constant state of vigilance, their intuition misinformed about what really poses danger. It needn’t be so. When you honor accurate intuition signals and evaluate them without denial (believing both the favorable or the unfavorable outcomes are possible), you need not be wary, for you will come to trust that you’ll be notified if there is something worthy of your attention. Fear will gain credibility because it won’t be applied wastefully. When you accept the survival signal as a welcome message and quickly evaluate the environment or situation, fear stops in an instant. Thus, trusting intuition is the opposite of living in fear.”

Precautions are healthy, but remaining in a constant state of fright is destructive and can lead to panic, which destroys our ability to react with reason. If we spend our lives looking for the expected danger, we will miss the unexpected threat.

Again, differentiating true fear from worry is important. Worry or anxiety keep us from acting. True fear propels us into action. It energizes and drives us away from danger.

“Worry, wariness, anxiety and concern all have a purpose, but they are not fear. So any time your dreaded outcome cannot be reasonably linked to pain or death and it isn’t a signal in the presence of danger, then it really shouldn’t be confused with fear. It may well be something worth trying to understand and manage, but worry will not bring solutions. It will more likely distract you from finding solutions….. Worry is the fear we manufacture—it is not authentic. It is a choice…. When you feel fear, listen. When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it. If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why.”

We might want to follow our line of worry to answer all our “what if’s” until we discover that our worry leads us to an imagined end that we really will survive and handle. “What if I fail this test? Then I’ll have to retake it. What if I fail the next one and the class? Then I can retake the class and study harder. What if I’m not smart enough to succeed in this line of study? Then I’ll change course. But I won’t die from failing this test. I will handle whatever comes.

Sometimes our intuition doesn’t scream, “Get out now!” Sometimes it comes as a suspicion, or a discomfort, or a sense that something isn’t right. Trust that sense and any such “gut feeling.” Don’t deny that danger might be present just because a stranger seems nice. Remind yourself he is still a stranger, no matter how he tries to win you with charm. Women especially are reminded to avoid the trap of not wanting to be rude. Not being nice, not giving a person who makes you uncomfortable any benefit of the doubt, is a survival skill. A truly good person will usually understand when you react with suspicion because he recognizes how you must protect yourself and not allow vulnerability. Even if he is insulted, isn’t that better than the opposite error of trusting someone you shouldn’t?

Honor that nudge of unease. Examine it. But when true fear demands action, don’t take time to think it through. If fear says, “Get out now!” then get out! You can later think about it and examine it all you want. True fear, remember, is either about what is imminently to happen, or it is about pain and death.

Our most famous quote about fear came from Franklin Roosevelt, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” De Becker would change that to, “There is nothing to fear unless and until you feel fear.”

De Becker recommends we not allow media to heap on us its daily doses of fright. I admire Mr. Rogers’ take on televised disasters. He reminds children to look for the helpers. Whenever people are in trouble other people come to help them. I’m reminded of the Boston marathon that ended because of two bomb explosions. Within seconds of the detonations, we saw people scrambling to help the fallen.

De Becker would say in times of danger, follow your intuition. Mr. Rogers would add, there will be helpers. And Susan Jeffers would conclude, “You can handle whatever comes.”

How was your week? Have you figured out which fears you would like to work on? Mine is a fear of disapproval, so I’m drawing on courage in order to send out my thoughts to so many people. (Meanwhile, a loved one is fighting fear that returned cancer will win, which puts my small worries into perspective.)

Not to back away from risk, but because I want to give you the advantage of an expert’s input, we will turn this week to the work of Susan Jeffers. In the book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway^®, (great title, right?) she inspires us to take brave action. Jeffers attained a PhD in Psychology from Columbia University and wrote several self-help books. Parents might know her from other accomplishments. She wrote and/or illustrated children’s books on horses, classic stories, and a little dog named McDuff.

Jeffers categorizes our fears into:

• Things that happen, like aging or accidents
• Things that require action, like giving speeches, making decisions or leaving a bad situation
• Damage to our ego and sense of well-being, like ridicule or fear of failure
• Feeling unable to handle whatever comes our way

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

1. Fear will always be present as long as we continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out… and do it.
4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

Since everyone is dealing with fear, but some do it more successfully, it must mean it isn’t danger paralyzing us, but rather our attitude. In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, we are encouraged to handle our fear from an attitude of power, rather than pain. We do this gradually, by intentionally moving away from pain, towards claiming our power. The author recommends we draw a line on a piece of paper with “Pain” at the left side and “Power” at the right. Each day we pin where we are on the line, with the intention of moving right toward Power.

Even our vocabulary can help us move into our strength:
Pain →——————————————–→ Power
I can’t ——————————————–→ I won’t
I should ——————————————→ I could
It’s not my fault ——————————-→ I’m totally responsible
I’s a problem ———————————–→ It’s an opportunity
I’m never satisfied —————————-→ I want to learn and grow
Life’s a struggle ——————————–→ Life’s an adventure
I hope ——————————————–→ I know
If only ——————————————–→ Next time
What will I do ———————————-→ I know I can handle it
It’s terrible ————————————–→ It’s a learning experience

To grow in confidence we need to do something daily that widens the space in our comfort zone. Each night we can plan the risk we are going to take the following day. For instance, call someone we are intimidated to call. Visualizing or practicing it makes it a bit less scary. As long as we are taking those risks that build our sense of self-worth, we are moving to the right on the Pain-to-Power chart.

Taking responsibility for our method of handling fear means:

• Never blaming others for anything we are being, doing or feeling
• Not blaming ourselves, but becoming aware of those circumstances in which we are not taking responsibility, so that we can eventually change
• Handling the Chatterbox – Replace that negative inner voice with love.
• Being aware of payoffs that keep us stuck. What do I gain from staying afraid? The comfort of not changing?
• Figuring out what we want in life and acting on it.
• Being aware of the multitude of choices we have in any given situation. Let’s pick the one that contributes the most to our aliveness and growth.

Psychology commonly accepts that our actions and thoughts are interdependent. We can increase our courage by either acting more confidently or by thinking more confidently. The former is the “fake it until you make it” strategy. The more bravely we behave, the more we see ourselves as brave, until we no longer are faking it, but actually become brave.

The latter, thinking more confidently, is where we take control of our negative, frightened inner voice. If our thoughts are negative and critical and fearful, our behavior will be less than our best. If our thoughts are positive, we will behave in a confident manner. This even works if we don’t, at first, believe our words. We can repeat positive thoughts, or affirmations, enough that we begin to believe them and, as a consequence, our actions evolve to prove them true.

Here is my favorite of Susan Jeffers’ affirmations:

I AM POWERFUL AND I AM LOVING AND I HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR

Let’s repeat this (or your own affirmation) aloud at least 10 times a day for the next week. (I’m reminded of several rides in reckless foreign taxis when I closed my eyes and repeated, “I’m safe right now; I’m safe right now.” It really did help prevent panic.)

I highly recommend Susan Jeffers book, and also her website at www.susanjeffers.com where more self-help information and affirmations are available.

One of my favorite quotes from the book: “The less you need someone’s approval, the more you are able to love them.”

May you grow in courage this week!

Fighting Fear

This Lent we will pursue the topic of fear.

Why should we fight fear? Isn’t fear a good thing? Well, yes, sometimes. When there truly is a danger to us or others, fear is good if it inspires us to an action that prevents harm.

Not all fear is healthy. It can become debilitating and keep us from growing to our full potential.

Reasons to fight fear:

1.  Physical – Prolonged or frequent fear causes damage to our bodies. Excessive worry can negatively affect our sleep, appetite, concentration, or cause headaches, nausea, and muscle tension. Anxiety can trigger a stress response sending us into fight/flight/freeze mode and flooding our bodies with adrenaline. Stress hormones such as cortisol are released to raise blood sugar levels and provide fuel for dealing with perceived danger. If such anxiety happens chronically, If we don’t expend the energy with physical activity as we would if we were fleeing or fighting, the fuel builds up and can lead to a suppression of our immune system, digestive issues, artery disease, and even heart attacks.
2. Social – If we are afraid to take risks, we don’t reach out to others. We miss opportunities to build friendships or find our “one and only.” We may stay in relationships that are unhealthy, preferring what we know to the unknown, thinking we’d rather be with anyone than alone. Our careers may suffer if we don’t have the confidence to ask for help and seek out mentors.
3. Emotional – Fear keeps us from growth. Fear will always be present as we stretch and try new things, but if it keeps us from acting we will stagnate, rather than find joy in accomplishment and a sense of capability and self-confidence.
4. Intellectual – Learning something new requires admitting incompetence or ignorance and it can be frightening to not be good at something. But striving to better oneself intellectually is very brave. We will make mistakes but we will learn from them and grow.
5. Psychological – Fear grows if we don’t face it. What starts as a discomfort can become a full phobia if we don’t bravely take on our fears. Or a fear of one thing can generalize to fearing something else. I once realized I grew anxious each time I drove to a particularly challenging class. That generalized over time to being stressed when I drove to any class, and before long, every time I drove. Recognizing the unfoundedness of my fear helped me process it and move on.
6. Spiritual –God wants us to connect with him and with his other children. Fear blocks connection. His Saints realized this and overcame their fear. St. Francis de Sales wrote,

“The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.”

God’s Word, in both the Old and New Testaments, tells us over and over not to be afraid.  Why is that? Because fear can immobilize us. Because fear blocks love. Because fear shows a lack of trust in God who loves us and wants what is best for us. Here are just a few of God’s exhortations:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? Psalm 118:6

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

Years ago our pastor asked in his homily, “What do you know, deep down, you should be doing, but you aren’t because you are afraid?” (These emails grew from that challenge.) Ask yourself now, “What do I know, deep down, I should be doing, but I am not because I’m afraid?” If something comes to mind immediately, hold on to that thought, but then ask yourself what else and see what comes to mind. If nothing specific surfaces, what do you suspect you should or wish you could set fear aside and do? You know courage isn’t the absence of fear, it is acting in the face of fear.

What do you fear?

• Something as concrete as a particular person, or an illness, or financial strife?
• Something more abstract like not living up to expectations or not being respected?
•  Something in the future, like the loss of a spouse or old age?
• Or maybe something from your past coming to light?

Is your fear reasonable and inspires you to prepare? Wanting a good grade in a difficult class might cause us to study harder. Needing enough money for retirement can encourage us to spend less now and save more. Or is the fear irrational and unlikely, but still very real to you?

For this week:

• Identify your fears and which you should fight.
• Understand that fear is human. We all experience it. However, giving in to fear keeps us from becoming the best we can be, from building the kingdom of God here on earth, from loving as deeply as we are able.
• Contemplate that God does not want us to be afraid. He promises to be with us throughout our challenges and to give us strength.
• Ponder that God loves us, wholly, completely, unconditionally, and always. He wants what is best for us.

With an ally like God, what or whom should we fear?

Boundaries within Families

We are half-way through our Lent. Are you feeling discouraged by your attempts to change yet? Yes, me too. Unfortunately, every family of four will have four saboteurs, ourselves included. It seems to be human nature to resist change. But we “keep on keeping on” in hope and trust that we can improve.

This week let’s look at one building block of healthy families – boundaries.

According to Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine, a boundary is a limit or edge that defines you as separate from others, a limit that promotes integrity. Healthy boundaries build healthy families.

Here are some excerpts from this fascinating book:

Personal Boundaries:

We have different type of boundaries:

• Physical – Our skin is our boundary but we also maintain around us an invisible circle or comfort zone. Its size is fluid depending on relationships and culture.

• Emotional – We have a set of feelings and reactions that are distinctly ours. Feelings can be used to determine a course of action. They tell us when something seems dangerous or threatening or safe. A warm response brings your feelings back to you. You get to know yourself better. This combination—of effective feedback and knowing yourself better—creates an emotional boundary. It fills in the circle of who you are and creates a space outside of you of who you aren’t.

• Spiritual – We are the only ones who can discern the right spiritual path for ourselves.

• Sexual – We have a choice about who we interact with sexually and the extent of that interaction. Boundaries limit what is safe and appropriate sexual behavior from others.

• Relational – The roles we assume define the limits of appropriate interaction with others.

Boundaries and Children

Boundaries begin to form in infancy. In a healthy family a child is helped to individuate, to develop a self-concept separate and unique from the other family members.

Parental attention develops boundaries.

• Interest in a child’s activities helps the child value what she can do.

• Interest in a child’s thoughts helps the child expand his sense of his own mental processes.

• Guidance helps the child realize that certain choices are superior to others—an essential aspect of boundary development.

• Expressed concern communicates a boundary—that the child is nearing a limit.

• Physical affection communicates that the child belongs, that he or she is part of a unit. It helps the child develop the boundary of “us” and “not-us.”

• Both too much distance and too much closeness between parents and children lead to problems. To a child, too much distance means abandonment and emotional neglect. Too much closeness—enmeshment—prevents the child from developing his own individuality and can foster in him a feeling of being responsible for the well-being of his parents.

• Meeting feelings  with disapproval or harshness teaches children to push them down, to separate themselves from their feelings, and to ignore the valuable information they contain.

• Feelings met warmly, with encouragement to talk about them and help to identify them—when a parent correctly interprets children’s facial expressions, body language, and the feelings connected with them—develops children’s understanding of their inner selves. Learning about and connecting with feelings is essential for complete boundary development.

What strengthens emotional boundaries?

• The right to say no.

• The freedom to say yes.

• Respect for feelings.

• Support for personal process.

• Acceptance of differences.

• Enhancement of uniqueness.

• Permission for expression.

What harms emotional boundaries?

• Ridicule. Contempt. Derision.

• Sarcasm. Mockery. Scorn.

• Belittling feelings.

• Stifling communication.

• Insistence on conformity.

• Arbitrariness.

• The need to overpower.

• Heavy judgments.

• Any kind of abuse.

• Abandonment.

• Threat.

• Insecurity.

Boundaries in Marriage:

If, as children, we had to deny our true thoughts or feelings to be safe, as adults we are likely to continue to deny what’s true for us. If boundary development was severely harmed when we were children, therapy may be the most efficient route, in order to not carry boundary damage into our relationships.

Ideally, the marriage contains enough togetherness to preserve the boundary of “us” and “not-us” and enough separation to preserve each person’s individuality. In a healthy marriage, each person is whole and intact. They choose to live together. Each could still survive if something happened to the other.

Acceptable degrees of intimacy and distance can vary. Communication is the life-blood that keeps the partnership fluid and vital and clarifies each person’s needs for intimacy and separateness.

Intimacy comes from knowing each other very well, accepting shortcomings and differences, and loving each other anyway. Enmeshment, on the other hand, is attempting to feel and think as if you were the same person. If only one partner is set up to do the thinking and make the decisions, that partner (let’s say the husband) will see himself as more powerful and important, even if his wife is the one who keeps the show going. This imbalance can cause the supportive partner to feel less important, less sure of her value and the worth of her ideas, more dependent on her husband, and more enmeshed.

Too much distance in a relationship leads to a cooling of romantic interest. Surprisingly, enmeshment can do the same. Enmeshment means someone’s individuality is being squashed. An enmeshed person is not known. True intimacy, in which each person is well known, leads to emotional closeness and easily into physical closeness. If partners aren’t talking about problems, feelings, needs, and wants, they’ll feel less known, and distance will grow between them.

Intimacy takes work.

Boundary violations, whether too distant or too close, can be healed right away if the sufferer tells the intruder that a boundary has been violated and the intruder immediately apologizes or somehow expresses concern about the violation. Note the two parts to this. The one whose limits have been breached must make the offense known and the offender must respect the limit.

So, what’s the goal of a person who wants to be healthy? To form boundaries that have some flexibility and some definite limits, boundaries that move appropriately in response to situations—out for strangers, in for intimates. Boundaries should be distinct enough to preserve our individuality yet open enough to admit new ideas and perspectives. They should be firm enough to keep our values and priorities clear, open enough to communicate our priorities to the right people. With good boundaries, we can have the wonderful assurance that comes from knowing we can and will protect ourselves from the ignorance, meanness, or thoughtlessness of others.

Boundaries bring order to our lives. As we learn to strengthen our boundaries, we gain a clearer sense of ourselves and our relationship to others.

Intact, clear boundaries enhance the family and prepare children for healthy adulthood.

Blessings on your week!

Betty

Single Parent Families

Welcome back to our 4 minute focus on building strong families!

One chapter in Building Christian Families by Mitch and Kathy Finley deals particularly with single parent families. If you are, or have been, part of a single parent family you will recognize the truth in what they write. If you are blessed to be part of a two-parent family, please read this anyway in order to build empathy for the special challenges you have been spared and perhaps to consider helping struggling families.

The single parent family is a true family and a legitimate form of home-church. Let’s follow the example we see throughout the Bible as God shows a soft spot in his heart for “widows and orphans,” or any family who needs extra consideration.

We all have our limits, and it’s only realistic to accept them. However, single parent families have special challenges we should be sensitive to:

• Both parent and children have gone through painful disruptions, whether because of abandonment, divorce, or death. Sources of income must be developed, a move to a new house or apartment may be necessary, and children might need to attend different schools. The grieving process may continue for many months, or even years.
• Parent-child relationships must be redesigned. A non-custodial parent may struggle to pay child support, worry about religious upbringing, have more time to be depressed, or feel acute loneliness.
• While couple parent families sometimes deal with the temptation to leave the main responsibility for parenting to the other spouse, the custodial single parent responds to the demands of children all day long and does it alone.
• Where a widowed parent may be looked upon by the wider community as courageous, others often view the divorced parent with suspicion or judgment. In some worship communities, the single parent who is divorced often feels shunned, ignored, even subtly ostracized. Yet divorced single parents have a deep desire to belong, to be a part of their church community.
• Single parents worry that their children will never have witnessed a normal man/woman, husband/wife loving relationship.
• Single parents must often deal with two particular temptations: the temptation to self-pity and to resentment.
• Many single parent families experience degrees of fear and anxiety that the typical couple-parent family does not usually know with such intensity. Financial anxieties may head the list, but a vague, undefined fear of what the future may bring is not far behind. The single parent is unable to share these fears and anxieties with another intimately known adult. She or he lives with these feelings constantly, so the fear tends to compound itself.
• In the two parent family, it is crucial for spouses to spend time regularly on themselves and on their friendship as a couple. It is equally important for the single parent to carve out of the week a few hours for leisure and, now and then, for prayerful reflection.
• The single parent often finds it necessary to struggle against the tendency to become isolated. Single parents have a need for sympathetic friends and for warm relationships with two-parent families. Single parents often need little more than a sympathetic listener, and they can frequently find this by forming friendships with other single parents and hopefully, by membership in church groups.

On the other hand, single parents may have some advantages over couple parents.

• They build strength as survivors, even though both parent and children have known much anguish.
• Children of single parent families are sometimes more mature than many of their peers from two-parent families. They have, of necessity, been trusted with significant responsibilities at home.
• Single parents may be more free to lead their children in their chosen faith life. In two-parent families, value conflicts which relate to the spiritual life of the family sometimes develop between husband and wife.

Single parents are like all parents:

• No parent or set of parents can give children everything they should ideally have.
• Most parents today often feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with their kids.
• All families know insecurity.
• All parents are called to conversion of heart and life, to trust God above all, to turn away from fear and anxiety as motives for action, to love God and others as the source of life’s meaning and purpose. Parents are called to do this even in the midst of meaninglessness and the temptation to despair. This is true faith, in the real world.
• All parents need other parents to simply commiserate with, to talk to and share their burdens and joys. We should never underestimate the value of honest talking and listening among peers, for it is a terrifically valuable service that all church communities should offer to parents.

Finleys remind us that a basic principle for all parents’ spirituality is to “keep on keeping on.” May God help all of us, married and single to persevere in our effort to parent well.

How to Stop a Bad Relationship Before It Starts

You’ve met someone charming, but how can you tell if it’s just an act that later will give way to the true jerk within?

In an Oregonian article Saturday, April 28, 2012, Katy Muldoon interviews Stephen T. McCrea, whose work with survivors of domestic abuse prompted him to write Jerk Radar: How to Stop a Bad Relationship Before It Starts.

He writes tips for avoiding The Jerk:

1. Go slowly: Most jerks rush to get you involved and committed because it gives them more control over you.
2. Beware extreme charm: He may be trying to overwhelm you with romance so you don’t examine him too closely.
3. Maintain friends and family: If he doesn’t like it dump him quick. He’s more interested in control than love.
4. Watch for hostile humor: If he puts others down, look out. Eventually he’ll put you down, too.
5. Listen for blame: If he blames others for his trouble, he’ll soon blame things on you.
6. Ask about the ex: Trash-talking a former partner is a bad sign. He’ll whine about you to his next girlfriend.
7. Check his reputation: If he’s had lots of stormy relationships, has a rep for anger, has been a womanizer, frequently loses jobs, or has been in and out of prison, you’re probably buying trouble.
8. Don’t try to “fix” him: If you don’t like his behavior early when he’s putting his best foot forward, it’ll be downhill from there. You’re his girlfriend, not his counselor.
9. Say “no” to addicts. Don’t buy “I’ll quit for you.”
10. Be yourself: Don’t change who you are to make him want to be with you. Don’t worry about rejection. If he does something that bothers you, say so. If you think he’s being disrespectful, tell him. If you thing he’s trying to make you feel guilty, don’t give in. If he moves on because you can’t be manipulated, that’s a good thing. It is better to be by yourself than to be with a jerk.

McCrea stresses his book is designed to help people detect abusive tendencies early in a relationship. Those in longer term relationships who feel scared or intimidated by a partner, or trapped and unable to get away should call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-7999-7233.

To see the full article click http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2012/04/jerk_radar_author_shares_advic.html

Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

We’re going to shift gears a bit this week. Maybe you’ve tried to get your spouse to read a relationship book, an article, or even these posts and have met with resistance. Maybe each time you get excited about improving some aspect of your marriage your “other half” maintains things are just fine the way they are.

For many spouses, your desire to make your relationship better implies it isn’t good enough now, which further implies failure. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny tackle this challenge in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 Points from the blurb of the book:

• “Love is not about better communication. It’s about connection.”
• “You’ll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you talk to your girlfriends.”
• “Male emotions are like women’s sexuality: you can’t be too direct too quickly.”
• “There are 4 ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routine.
• “When men feel connected, they talk more.”

The authors find that talking about feelings and intimate issues doesn’t come naturally to most men. Instead, it heightens their anxieties and can cause them to withdraw. If you find this to be the case in your marriage, the authors have many suggestions to help.

They acknowledge that women bring one set of fears to their relationships, typically fear of isolation, harm, or deprivation. So we talk in order to reconnect and soothe away our fears.

But men tend to bring their own fears to the table, including a hidden sense of shame, inadequacy, and failure. And when women try to talk their way into connection by expressing their vulnerabilities, the men feel that they have failed the women for not protecting them from their fears. Typically men respond to this sense of failure by withdrawing, in order to escape the fears. As the men withdraw, the women feel disconnected and push to reconnect with words. Then the men withdraw more.

So we tend to exacerbate each other’s fears, rather than reassure each other.

Among the worst things a woman can do to a man is to criticize him—or behave in a way that can be construed as critical, even if not intended.

Among the worst things a man can do to a woman is to leave her feeling alone, whether concretely—alone at home or alone in bed—or abstractly—alone outside his depression or alone with her dreams or fears.

If we are left wallowing in our fears, we become vulnerable to infidelity. When we become infatuated with someone, chemical changes in our bodies make men feel more confident and women feel more connected. Simultaneously, our sense of shame decreases, which can lead us into poor decisions. Be forewarned, allowing private or secret time with someone who sparks our infatuation will permit the chemistry to lead to an affair.

Instead, Stosny and Love encourage us all to decide what our core values are and then to enhance them by

• improving a little bit in that area,
• appreciating our partner,
• connecting by genuinely caring about our partner’s emotional state,
• and protecting our beloved—
  • helping a husband relieve his dread of failure as a provider, lover, protector and father and
  • helping a wife relieve her fear of isolation, deprivation, and harm.

If you are a woman who is feeling resentful, angry, anxious, or afraid and your partner is not helping, he is trying to avoid feeling shame. Your anxiety increases his sense of inadequacy or failure. Use a physical gesture, a touch, to show that you’re with your husband. Be available to do something he’s good at. This replaces his sense of failure with competence. Honor a man’s need for routine and by doing so, help him feel loved and connected. He doesn’t know how to say it, so he tries to show you that you are what gives meaning to his life. Remember, your words can destroy him.

If you are a man who is feeling resentful, angry, sulky or withdrawn and your wife is not helping, she is feeling anxious. Your irritation increases her fear. Instead, be there, in her emotion, with her. Don’t try to fix her problems. Incorporate small gestures of connection like hugs or kisses or focused attention to her into your daily routine.

The authors say the bottom line is to think connection, rather than communication. We must protect each other from our respective vulnerabilities to fear and shame.

Both men and women must replace resentment with compassion. We need binocular vision – to see every upsetting time from both our and our partner’s point of view. Then we must respond to the anxiety, rather than the situation content.

Ask yourself, how do I make it hard for my spouse to give me what I want? (How do I increase my beloved’s fears?) How could I make it easier?

Generally, the authors say we must “step into the puddle.” Tune into the emotional state of the other. Imagine it. Try to feel it. It will be uncomfortable, but don’t respond with defensiveness.

Approach rather than either avoiding or attacking.

Here are a few concrete suggestions they offer:

1. Fix your partner firmly in your heart 4 times a day – upon waking, before leaving home, returning, and before sleep.
2. Hug 6 times for at least 6 seconds per day. This is said to increase serotonin (a calming neurotransmitter).
3. Hold positive thoughts about your relationship for 10 seconds as often as possible.
4. Make a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity.
5. When you make a mistake, recognize it, feel remorse for it, and repair it.
6. Finally, a nightly embrace – “allow the warmth of the embrace to wash out every sliver of fear and shame.”

And so doing, create love beyond words.