Aging with Forgiveness

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Whenever we look back on our lives, and forward to how we’d like them to grow, we are likely to realize we need to forgive in order to continue to age gracefully. Maybe we need to let go of a past hurt. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves… or maybe God. No one who is holding a grudge or heavy guilt will age with grace.

First, we will look at forgiving others, then below consider how to forgive ourselves.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt offers suggestions to help us discover whom we need to forgive and seven steps to assist in our journey of forgiveness.

1. Remember your own need for forgiveness.
2. Pick one thing you know you ought to forgive.
3. Ask God to saturate you with his grace to help you forgive.
4. If possible, engage the offender in direct, open, honest communication. Don’t accuse, focus on how you feel. Say, “I forgive you.” (Do this in your imagination if the person isn’t available.)
5. Follow your words with some act of reconciliation—perhaps a hug, handshake, or meal together.
6. To prevent the same hurts from occurring again, keep your lines of communication open, with clear, healthy boundaries and guidelines for your relationship.
7. Learn to forgive the small things—with friends, family, or coworkers. Be a person of grace. Don’t dwell on the hurts. Recognize you are still prone to mistakes as you become the-best-version-of-yourself, just as others are.

Forgiving others is a process, not usually a one-time decision. We will possibly fail, but then can try again. Here are a few practices that help me personally:

• Acknowledge to yourself the anger and hurt you feel. If possible, voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt you.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs make their sores larger by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on them. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Letting Go of Guilt – Forgiving Ourselves

Fr. Peter Siamoo, a priest from Tanzania who studied and worked here in Portland, wrote a book called Restore Your Inner Peace: Personal Healing from Within. In Fr. Peter’s work as a counselor in hospitals and prisons, he found the inability to forgive oneself to be both prevalent and destructive. Perhaps we too have trouble letting go of our mistakes, weaknesses, and past sinfulness. Don’t we, in this study of Aging with Grace, also need to forgive ourselves?

He recommends steps:

1. Acknowledge what you’ve done.
2. Talk about it with a safe person, possibly a good friend, minister, or therapist.
3. Learn from it in order to grow and not repeat the mistake.
4. Make peace with it, not to justify the mistake but to become a wounded healer.
5. Ask for and accept forgiveness from God, who is loving and who readily forgives our transgressions when we sincerely ask for it.
6. Forgive yourself, remembering to love your neighbor as (well as) yourself.

Forgiving ourselves after a mistake is:

• An act of appreciation for God’s love and forgiveness.
• Self-love that restores our inner freedom and peace.
• A choice we make to acknowledge and accept God’s mercy and choose to treat ourselves better than what we think we deserve.
• Worth doing because we deserve a better life than carrying guilt around.
• A way of imitating God who has forgiven us, and
• Important to our being happy.
• Make amends to repair the damage and restore the relationship.

From this week on, let’s love ourselves enough to forgive ourselves… and others!

Blessings on your Lent! We’ve passed halfway!

Grandparents – Listening and Forgiveness

6. Grandparents – Listening & Forgiveness

Listening

One of the blessings of grandparenting, especially after retirement, is we have the gift of time. We are able to stop and listen to our grandchildren. It’s a wonderful experience to be heard, to have someone pause what they are doing, make eye contact, and give us their full attention. We can and should do that for everyone, but especially children. They need the connection that true listening brings. I know it is tempting to nod while they talk and carry on with what we are doing, but like we were taught to do at railroad crossings, to stop, look, and listen is a simple, yet powerful gift. You know when people aren’t giving you their full attention. So do your grandchildren. If you hope to be their confidant, really listen every time they talk to you.

Being their confidant can be complicated. Still, it is an important lesson for children to learn that talking about their problems can be the beginning of finding a solution. They may ask you not to tell their parents what they are about to say. Assure them that you will keep their words to yourself, unless someone is in danger. If what they say must be relayed to a parent, encourage them to do so, and offer to be with them when they do.

However, usually our task of listening is less serious. It’s more a matter of attending to what matters to them. And my, they do chatter so rapidly sometimes! Or two or three of them try simultaneously. If you are struggling to make clarity out of their words, it might be time to set pride aside and have your hearing tested. Or, as my children used to say, “listen faster!”

Listening to another is a true gift to them. So is forgiving.

Forgiveness

Last week our deacon talked about the myth of Redemptive Violence, our human nature’s reaction to being wronged. It feels momentarily so good to release our righteous anger and strike back, or give the silent treatment, or break off all communication. After all, they hurt us!

Yet, Jesus didn’t do that. Tortured and being slowly murdered, He said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Our loved ones, our family, hurt us, too. Sometimes over and over. But how can we ask God’s forgiveness without forgiving them?

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy–seven times.” (Matthew 18:22)

Perhaps your child has rejected your faith, or advice, or upbringing. Maybe they’ve brought you humiliation. Alternatively, perhaps you have hurt your child in the past and felt too righteous, or even too ashamed to ask for forgiveness. Either break in your connection undoubtedly affects your relationship with your grandchildren, maybe even prohibiting it.

In The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, Lorene Hanley Duquin states, “When we seek forgiveness, we admit that we were wrong, we accept responsibility for what we have done, and we learn from the experience so that we don’t make the same mistake again. When we forgive, we acknowledge that we have been hurt, but we choose to let go of anger, resentment, and negative thoughts that can harden our hearts and make us bitter. Chances are, your grandchildren are already learning powerful lessons about forgiveness—not by anything you’ve said, but by how you’ve dealt with difficult situations in your own life.” (p.116-117)

Lent is an opportunity for us to examine our consciences. Maybe it is time to forgive and be more like the loving father than the elder brother of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-32) Open your arms (and heart) and run to your loved one, either asking forgiveness or granting it.

Here are steps that help me when I’m struggling to let go of bitterness or resentment:

• Acknowledge the anger and hurt we feel, at least to ourselves. If possible, we should voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt us.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs can reopen an injury by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on wrongs. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself ruminating and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Duquin continues, “Forgiveness is not always easy. But it is always the right thing to do. It is one of the most important lessons your grandchildren will ever learn, because it is closely connected to the ability to love and be loved.” (p. 121)

One of my daughters is actively teaching her preschool children how to apologize and forgive. She overheard this conversation:

5-year-old son: I’m so, so sorry.

3-year-old daughter:  Do I forgive you?

5-year-old son: Yes. You do.

If only it were that easy, right?

But we could learn a lot from Saint (Mother) Teresa and her Humility List:

Prayers for you during Holy Week,

Betty

Mercy is love in action

Last Sunday, I listened to Luke’s version of Jesus’ passion and death. The words that struck me most profoundly were, “Father, forgive them. They know not what they do.” So spoke Jesus while being murdered; while dying an excruciating death which he didn’t deserve, his prayer is one of forgiveness. How petty I felt in my failure to forgive hurt feelings or slights to my family. How can I justify holding on, ruminating, feeling “righteous” anger, when my wounds are so inconsequential compared to his?

Jesus’ exhortation to us to forgive is not simply for the good of others. Forgiveness, he knows and tries to teach us, benefits us even more. We heal when we forgive others. We grow and discover the joy and happiness we thought someone stole from us.

I know myself. I know I’ll continue to feel umbrage when someone, in my perception, wrongs me. Even more so when they hurt my loved ones. But I hope, through this Lent and the Jubilee Year, I can learn the lessons of mercy that are available to us. May every Good Friday remind me, as I ponder Christ’s suffering, how very small my suffering is and how, with forgiveness, I can reduce it even further.

So how am I doing on forgiving? It’s a process, not a one-time decision. A few recommendations that help me:

• We should acknowledge the anger and hurt we feel, at least to ourselves. If possible, we should voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt us.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs make their sores larger by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on them. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Here are a few more quotes on mercy and forgiveness from people wiser than I:

Allen Hunt in Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody:

• Learn to forgive the small things—with friends, family, or coworkers. Be a person of grace. Don’t dwell on the hurts. Recognize you are still prone to mistakes as you become the-best-version-of-yourself, just as others are.
• Make a conscious decision to forgive. Resolve today you will be a forgiver. Those who forgive benefit from a better immune system; lower blood pressure; better mental health; lower anger, anxiety, and depression; and enjoy more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships than those unable to forgive.
• Perform an act of kindness. First do it for anyone. Next week, perform a kind act for someone who has injured you. Being kind to someone who has taken advantage of you prevents you from feeling resentful and can also change his or her heart.
• Write a letter to someone who has hurt you very much. You may choose to mail it or not, but writing the letter is an important first step toward your healing and the release of the power the person holds over your heart. Express the specific hurt and that you forgive the person.

 

Fr. Peter Siamoo:

• Each family member, and therefore each Christian, should seek to reconcile with all the family members, regardless of the magnitude of the hurt, or who was right or wrong. We know that there are some family members who do not talk to each other. Some have been like this for years. The pope’s intention is that this Jubilee Year should not end while leaving this ungraced state of the family members unchanged.
• Develop devotion and a habit of praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet daily. (www.thedivinemercy.org ) Read the promises which our Lord gave to St. Faustina Kowalska. Our Lord said to her as she writes in her diary, “It should be of no concern to you how anyone else acts; you are to be My living reflection, through love and mercy. … As for you, be always merciful toward other people, and especially toward sinners.”
• Extend God’s mercy to anyone who needs it, anyone who has hurt you at any time of your life, whether that person is alive or dead. Forgive without any condition.
• Be humble enough to ask for forgiveness from those whom you have hurt in any way. If they don’t accept your apology it is not your problem, it is their problem, just pray for them that they may discover the beauty of forgiveness and the joy and peace that come from it so that they may have enough courage to forgive.
• Reach out to the family and group members whom you know are struggling with forgiveness. Seek to be the reason and agent of family reconciliation, peace, and prayer.
• Be active in the ministry to the poor and vulnerable in your community to extend God’s mercy and love to them.

 

Pope Francis:

• Mercy is not only an action of the Father; it becomes a criterion for ascertaining who his children are. In short, we are called to show mercy because mercy has first been shown to us. Pardoning offenses becomes the clearest expression of merciful love, and for us Christians it is an imperative from which we cannot excuse ourselves. Let go of the hurt, entrust it to the Lord and from the forgiving heart sincerely pray for that person.
• Wherever the Church is present, the mercy of the Father must be evident. In our parishes, communities, associations and movements, in a word, wherever there are Christians, everyone should find an oasis of mercy.

 

 

And perhaps two of the simplest quotes, which encompass the others:

• Mercy is love in action.   – Fr. Donald Calloway MIC
• Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Matthew 5:7

 

Thank you for welcoming my thoughts—and other authors’ wisdom—into your email and your lives throughout Lent. I hope you’ve enjoyed and grown from at least one of these writings.

Happy, blessed Easter!