Aging Without Fear

Max Lucado has published a little booklet called, “Imagine Your Life Without Fear.”

Of course, fear is good if it steers us away from danger. But more often, it can freeze us into inaction, keep us from helping others, or lead us to strike out in what we think is self-defense. Perhaps most of us live our lives marked with fear. The “what ifs” eat away at our peace and are another barrier to living with grace and so, aging with grace.

For some years now, I have been trying to remind myself of the Bible verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I even titled my first published book, “Hope and a Future.” God promises us that our future will be bright, and He will be with us. Still, we fear.

Fear takes on many appearances as we pass through life’s stages.

• Fear of loneliness: Will I find someone who will love me for my lifetime?
• Fear for our children: Are they safe? Are they loving and feeling loved?
• Fear for our livelihood: Will I be able to get/keep a job? Will I be able to provide for those who depend on me? Will my money last through my retirement?
• Fear of aging: Will I become too frail? Will I lose my memory? Will I cause my family too much anguish?
• Fear of dying: Will there be great pain? Will I be well-remembered? Will I go to heaven?

Yet, God commanded Joshua as he led his people across the Jordan to the promised land (and He continues to command us): “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Max Lucado reminds us, Jesus tells us again and again not to fear:

• When we worry that we aren’t worth God’s love: “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. (Matt. 10:31)
• When we worry about finances: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25)
• When we fear God: “But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt 14:27)
• When our fear freezes us: “But Jesus came and touched them. ‘Get up,’ he said. ‘Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt. 17:7)
• When our fear makes us overuse substances to find calm: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Tim 1:7)
• When we fear global turmoil: “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come”. (Matt 24:6)
• When we fear death or the afterlife: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

(All Bible quotes from the New International Version)

Max Lucado invites us to imagine one day with absolutely no fear. What courageous step would we take?

Once, 16 years ago, a priest asked our congregation to ponder what we would do if we had no fear. What do we suspect we should be doing, but fear keeps us from starting? My answer was to begin to write these Lenten emails. If I had no fear, I might offer some form of this in person. I haven’t made it that far, yet, but we take small steps forward and God honors our effort. What would you do if fear didn’t keep you from acting?

Another great book title was, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. We won’t get rid of all fear, but we can step out bravely anyway, trusting that God is at our side. Let’s face down our fears and watch them decrease as we act with courage.

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

1. Fear will always be present if we continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about ourselves is to… go out and do it.
4. Not only are we going to experience fear whenever we are on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

St. Francis de Sales said: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts.” Once we believe this, we can say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

If this post on fear has encouraged you, read more ways to fight fear by clicking on “Fear” in the right-hand column under 4 Minutes 4 Growth.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)

I’m in a New Stage, now what? Where do I go from here?

Barbara Lee recommends we pray to discern our path and is fond of St. Ignatian spirituality. She recommends his Examen as a way to look back at a day, or any period of time, to enhance our prayer about decision making:

In the book, God Isn’t Finished with Me Yet: Discovering the Spiritual Graces of Later Life, author Barbara Lee looks at ways to figure out what our next path should be when our nest is empty, or we’ve retired from work, or are simply feeling there must be more for us still to do. She wrote the book at 80, after she had retired from her career as a lawyer and judge in order to volunteer to help immigrants learn English. She came to this stage in her life after much discernment of Spirit and offers suggestions to those seekers like herself.

1. Focus on the presence of God, then give thanks.
2. Ask for the light of the Spirit, to be aware of all the ways God is at work our lives.
3. Review the day (or period of time), looking not only for our sins and failings but also for where we have heard the promptings of the Spirit and how we have responded.
4. Ask pardon for the ways in which we have failed to respond to grace.
5. Finally, ask for the grace not merely to amend our faults but also to look forward to the future with hope. Say the Lord’s Prayer.

Decisions can be categorized as “Whether” decisions or “How” decisions. The Whether decisions – like whether to retire, downsize, or move, require that we:

1. Define the question.
2. Strive to be as detached as possible without assuming the result we prefer.
3. Ask God to move our will toward what pleases Him and makes us a better Christian.
4. List and rationally consider the advantages and disadvantages. Decide based on what seems most reasonable.
5. Bring the decision to prayer and ask God “to receive and confirm it.”

The How decisions—like how to treat an illness, care for an invalid, respond to diminished capacity, deal with our adult children, spend free time, or approach a spiritual journey as its length diminishes—can be addressed by praying with scripture (looking for words that resonate in your soul, or imagining yourself in the biblical scene to sense impressions invoked by the scene.)

With either type of decision making, we should watch for signs of spiritual desolation. Does the decision cause us anxiety, fear, and reluctance to pray? It is important, instead, to make decisions that bring us spiritual consolation, imparting peace, joy, hope, faith, and loving charity. If decision making does not come easily, she recommends keeping a spiritual journal or finding a good spiritual director.

On downsizing, the author recommends St. Ignatius’ advice on property: we should “desire to keep it or dispose of it solely according to what God our Lord will move [our] will to choose,” and we should not “desire or feel . . . strongly attached to have wealth rather than poverty.” Lee says, “We may not all have the grace to embrace the Ignatian ideal of a genuine preference for poverty, but we may still find greater clarity in distinguishing what we really need for a well-balanced life.” She also reminds us to provide for the poor and do other good works to focus on social justice and service. Lee would like us to consider the diminishment of ability as we age to be a type of poverty and a time in our lives when we can “acknowledge our total dependence on God.”

She recommends we undertake a ministry of prayer. She quotes Fr. Thomas Clarke, SJ:

If intercession, then, is the name of the game, I believe that the group best fitted to lead it is the world’s elders. We qualify for the role not through our wisdom or even through our prophetic gifts, if we have them, but through our special brand of poverty. In generational terms, it is we who are the anawim—the poor—through whom God works wonders. However reduced in physical, mental, emotional powers, and whether we are still “active” or “retired,” we can model for all that intercessory offering of “prayers, works, joys and sufferings” through which the world is graced.

The author recommends, as a kindness to our families, preplanning for our future, including choosing a health-care proxy and signing a “living will” for medical decisions, arranging for our funeral and burial, and estate planning. But also, we should leave a spiritual legacy. Consider writing about your spiritual journey or telling your faith stories to family and friends.

Finally, we need to see death as a transition to eternal life. “Instead of looking back toward what has been lost or given up, we can ask for the grace to look forward with hope to life eternal, remembering the promise of Jesus: ‘I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.’” (John 16:22)

Lee commends the Suscipe prayer:

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will—all that I have and possess. You, Lord have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me your love and your grace, for that is enough for me.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Grace

Welcome to these 4-minute posts to explore an area of growth. This year, we look at Aging with Grace.

What does it mean to age gracefully? The word “graceful” might make men uncomfortable with an attribute usually used to define women, like a dancer with graceful, elegant moves. Rather, let’s consider the aspect of grace as a quality of goodwill and maturity. We need grace at whatever stage in life we currently struggle.

Can you think of someone who seems to have accomplished growing older in an admirable way? If you are lucky, perhaps a grandparent or parent has given you an example you’d like to emulate.

This week’s news has given us all an example. Past President Jimmy Carter, as of this writing, has entered Hospice care at his home. At 98, he is an example of a person who has aged with grace and integrity. After serving his country as president—easily seen as the peak of a career—he didn’t rest on his laurels and retire into obscurity. He continued to serve others: 40 years as a Sunday School teacher, 39+ years working with Habitat for Humanity, 70+ years as a beloved spouse, then a devoted father and patriarch. He even won a Nobel Peace Prize for his advocacy of democracy, public health, and human rights! In 2015, after fighting cancer, he said with a smile, “I am perfectly at ease with whatever comes.”

Such an attitude certainly exhibits aging with grace. We know the quality when we see it, but can we define it? It might mean different things to different people, but our examples probably have much in common. We imagine a person of good humor and integrity, who is willing to use what they’ve learned to improve the lives of others. We certainly recognize the opposite of aging with grace when we meet people who are bitter, irritable, and mindful only of themselves.

I don’t intend these emails to focus only on our oldest generation. Aging with grace begins early in life, and how we manage our early stages sets us on a road towards grace or away from it. In the book, Healing the Eight Stages of Life, authors Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant discuss Erik Erikson’s theory that each stage of our lives brings a challenge to either achieve and grow, or stagnate.

According to Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development:

• From age 0-1.5 we learn trust over mistrust and, if successful, acquire the value of hope.
• From age 1.5-3, we learn autonomy over shame and, if successful, acquire the value of will.
• From age 3-5, we learn initiative over guilt and, if successful, acquire the value of purpose.
• From age 5-12, we learn industry over inferiority and, if successful, acquire the value of competency.
• From age 12-18, we learn identity over role confusion and, if successful, acquire the value of fidelity.
• From age 18-40, we learn intimacy over isolation and, if successful, acquire the value of love. (Intimacy involves close, loving relationships.)
• From age 40-65 we learn generativity over stagnation and, if successful, acquire the value of care. (Generativity is the propensity and willingness to engage in acts that promote the wellbeing of younger generations.)
• From age 65 on, we learn ego integrity over despair and, if successful, acquire the value of wisdom. (Integrity as fully accepting oneself and coming to terms with death.)

The authors hold that we don’t necessarily move to new stages sequentially, rather the stages live on in us, making it possible to go back and heal the wounds of younger times and learn the lessons and skills we missed along the way. If we successfully learned the skill that a stage was meant to teach us, we will progress towards a happier life. If not, we can go back and learn now what we missed before. There is hope, if we are willing to let go of our woundedness and use our pain to learn in order to help others.

As an example, if we didn’t learn trust at the age when it would have been healthiest, perhaps we needed distrust to help us survive. Yet now, as adults, we can allow the hurt to heal and learn to trust when it is appropriate. If our family of origin wasn’t loving, the Dalai Lama says, “Anyone who loves you is your parent.” God wants us to be whole and healthy. Inviting Him into our injuries, we find He loves us in our woundedness and wants to heal our pain.

It is easy for us to remember our painful experiences. The authors invite us instead to think back over our lives recalling our happiest moments. Bask in those feelings of joy, from youngest childhood memories to a blessing you received yesterday. That joy can fill you today and give you hope towards tomorrow.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)