4 Minutes 4 Marriage Eradicate Contempt

Greetings, 4Mers!

How was your week? Did you manage to stop yourself before a criticism left your lips? Did you restrain it to be a simple complaint like: “I felt (disappointed, frustrated, sad) when you (specific, one-time behavior)?”

Or did you find yourself more aware of others being critical? It’s always harder to see our own faults. (That’s one reason we have children—to point our failings out to us.)      😉

 We must keep working on reducing criticism because if it isn’t eradicated, it can deteriorate into contempt, John Gottman’s second step to the destruction of a marriage. Contempt differs from criticism in its intent to insult and hurt our spouse.

Think of how you looked at your spouse with such love when you exchanged vows. Can you picture that moment? Recapture the hope and excitement? We never dreamed we would want to hurt the one we chose to spend our life with. Most of the time we still don’t want to, but during a heated disagreement….

Remember the eye-rolling woman in last week’s entry? Such body language makes it clear we have lost our admiration for our partner and are feeling contempt. So do insults and name calling, hostile humor and sarcasm. And you know that particular tone of voice. Doesn’t it almost make a shiver run up your spine to imagine it?

We are in contempt’s grip when we can’t think of a single good thing to say about our spouses. Our admiration decays; our respect disintegrates. And what do we all need in our relationships? Yes, love and respect. So it’s absolutely vital to avoid any temptation to express contempt.

We’ve promised to love and honor, in good times and in bad. In the heat of an argument, we are in the midst of one of those bad times. That’s when we desperately need to show our loved one honor, in order to protect our marriage.

Thoughts to watch out for: “I’ll show him;” “Two can play at this game;” “She’ll need me before I’ll need her;” or any desire to slap our partner with our words.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

1. Stop the angry retort that feels so justified; bite your tongue if you have to. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Try a gentle touch like taking his hand in yours, or break the cycle with good natured humor, or suggest you both take a break until you are cooler. But don’t ignore the issue that set off the disagreement. If you take a break, set a time when you will be ready to talk again.

The touch, humor, or break helps us calm ourselves. It stops the cycle of negativity that pulls us down during a disagreement. “She” says something that hurts him, so “he” strikes back verbally, then she escalates and hurts him worse. But if we do something to calm ourselves, we can halt the progression and reconnect.

Try to hear the fear behind the other’s attack, rather than the ugly words.

2. Another way to counteract contempt and replace negativity is to express honest admiration daily. It might be hard when contempt has blocked our awareness of the good qualities of our spouses, but remember, we all need love and respect. A simple “thank you”—for making dinner, running an errand, or taking out the garbage—can reopen communication. Better yet, a well-deserved compliment can do wonders for any of us. If we can set aside our negativity, we won’t need to look too hard for something to admire about our spouses, whether it be their appearance, their achievements at work, or the way they interact with our children.

3. Are you old enough to remember the old television quip, “The devil made me do it?” Look upon derogatory thoughts about your spouse as temptation that must be resisted. Whenever you have a negative thought, force yourself to counter it with three things you appreciate about him or her.

Sadly, if contempt is common in your relationship, your spouse may not trust your small gesture and continue to react with hostility at first, but persevere. Before long, you will be the one on the receiving end of encouragement.

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13, RSV)

Thank you investing four minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage “Love & Respect”

Thank you for visiting my new blog. My plan is to give information from psychologists and counselors on how to avoid the destructive behaviors that weaken relationships, and to offer suggestions for positive steps to enhance your marriage.

No, I don’t have a perfect marriage, and I don’t have all the answers. But I’ve studied people who have some of the answers, and I’d like to share them with you. You can decide what you agree with.

 Ladies, have you ever heard (or said) this? “My husband is like having another kid around the house!”

The words are usually accompanied by an exaggerated eye roll and followed by sympathetic nods or commiserating head shakes from the surrounding women.

 Or have our gentlemen readers ever wondered—“How many times a year do I have to get her a card to convince her I love her?”—as you mentally tally birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, and Valentine’s Day?

If relationship success could be boiled down to a bare minimum, it might be this: we want love and respect.

Most marriage problems could be improved if spouses would treat each other with love and respect. We promised on our wedding day to love and honor. If we could live up to that promise, our married lives would be much happier. But, of course, we don’t always succeed, and life is rarely that simple.

 The eye-rolling woman in the first example has forgotten to honor her husband, and regrettably, shares her disrespect with her friends. She receives their sympathy, which is what she wanted, but at a cost to her husband and her own opinion of him.

The man who is tired of remembering all the right occasions might not understand that receiving reminders of his love is reassuring to his wife, symbolizing her importance to him. When he supports Hallmark and lets the card company express what he feels (but may not know how to say), he demonstrates his love in the romantic language she craves.

 The eye-rolling woman is exhibiting criticism, one of the four behaviors that Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Psychology Department at University of Washington, believes lead to the destruction of a marriage. In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last, he calls criticism one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like the horsemen of the final book of the Bible, these four behaviors announce the beginning of the end. Practice them often enough and our relationship will die.

Ladies, Gottman also says we are the ones who usually bring this first destructive force into our relationships.

But are we just supposed to ignore our spouses’ thoughtlessness? No. When we are upset or frustrated by their behavior, it is completely fair, and even constructive, to point out our reaction. It’s fine to say, “I’m disappointed. I hoped you’d be finished with that by now so we could spend time together.” Or, “I felt taken for granted when I had to pick up your dirty clothes off the floor.” Or, “I was embarrassed when you took so long getting ready and we arrived late.”

Those are specific complaints about a specific instance. They can be productive when they are heard, and a considerate partner makes changes because of them.

They become destructive when they become criticism. When they are no longer about a specific time, but instead become: “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…” or “You SHOULD…” or when you stack up the complaints, “Not only did you leave the car in my way, you came home late, didn’t ask how my day went, and didn’t notice all that I’ve done around here.” When you complain, you are addressing one specific behavior. When you criticize, you are attacking the person.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

What are some behaviors born of criticism? Insults, name calling, put downs, and sarcasm. Their opposites show respect: affirmation, praise, and affection.

Replace criticism with simple complaints that state your feelings about one specific behavior, without blame.

1. Be generous with your compliments and signs of affection. Remember it takes 5 positive experiences to counteract one negative.

 Next post we will explore more of the destructive behaviors Dr. Gottman isolated, but here’s a sneak preview. Along with criticism, they are contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

For this week, become aware of your own behavior when you are less than respectful. Find little ways to demonstrate your love and respect.

BIBLE VERSE TO PONDER

“I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV …

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

Thank you investing four minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti