4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Trust like Jesus

            Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times. Over the last few weeks we’ve looked at aspects of difficult times: worry, fear, gratitude, necessary losses, and money concerns.

 (1 minute version)

            In this  final Lenten post I’d like to consider Holy Week and what we can learn from studying Jesus as he faced his own “hard times.” We start with his triumphant entry into Jerusalem, riding on a donkey and being hailed as “King of the Jews.” The crowd and the apostles held high expectations for this king, that he would overthrow the Roman conquerors and lead the people to wealth and power. Only a few days later those expectations were crushed, their hope crucified.

            During the final hours before his death, Jesus wept in the garden, pled with his Father to let there be another way, suffered betrayal by a loved one, was wrongly accused, was abandoned by all his followers, and felt forsaken by God. He was stripped, beaten, and humiliated.

             He responded to these challenges with trust when he committed to follow his Father’s will rather than his own, accepted his abuse without retaliation, confirmed his identity, promised redemption to the criminal who testified to his innocence, gave his mother into a friend’s care, forgave us all, and—demonstrating his unending love—commended his spirit into his Father’s hands.

            Let’s look at that final act. He commended himself into his Father’s care. Even while suffering to the point of death, he trusted his Father. Isn’t that the ultimate answer to how we need to respond to difficult times? His trust enabled him to follow, accept, forgive, and love. Placing our trust in God will do the same for us.

             “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

(3 minutes more)

             It all comes down to how we answer some “meaning of life” questions:

•  Do you really believe God loves you, and is in fact Love itself?
•  Do you believe God is all-powerful? (Including able to forgive anything?)
•   Do you trust God?

            If we profess God’s love and power, why don’t we trust him completely, even when things go bad? I think we expect God to keep things going as we want them to go. When our expectations (like the Jerusalem crowd’s) are not met, we are tempted to doubt his love and doubt that he wants what is best for us. We become angry with God. We forget that God knows, better than we do, what is best. When Jerusalem wanted power in this world, Jesus was offering them an heir’s inheritance in the next. When we want health and happiness, he may be helping us grow in depth and holiness.

             God longs for us to trust him. Not a problem in good times. Not so easy when challenges crush our spirits. But he treasures our trust in those times, especially. Much of the Bible (if not all) is written to encourage us to trust in God.

             We read about Abraham’s willingness to trust God, “And he believed the Lord, and God counted it to him as righteousness.” (Genesis 15:6)

             Jeremiah, the prophet, writes, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

            David, the psalmist, knew all the rewards that come from trusting God: “In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them”. (Psalm 22:4)

 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. (Psalm 28:7)

 “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” (Psalm 56:4)

            The entire New Testament is an account from Jesus of how much our Heavenly Father loves us and is anxious to forgive us. How even the sparrow doesn’t fall without God knowing and caring. The night Jesus would be betrayed he said to his apostles, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.” (John 14:1) He continued, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)

             Jesus knew what was coming and his final words before his arrest were words of comfort for his apostles and for us. He didn’t want us to be troubled by things of this world. He wanted us to trust him and his Father. To trust the way he trusted.

             Even recent saints received messages from God, reminding us to trust in him. The Sunday after Easter is celebrated as the Feast of Divine Mercy. St. Faustina began this special devotion to Jesus’ message, “that His Love and Forgiveness is greater than our sins. All He asks is that we trust in Him, ask for and accept His Mercy, and then let Mercy work through us to help others. He also wants us to be merciful, loving, compassionate, and forgiving to others.”

             Like the gospel command, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful,” this demand that we show mercy to our neighbors “always and everywhere” seems impossible to fulfill. But the Lord assures us that it is possible. “When a soul approaches Me with trust,” He explains, “I fill it with such an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within itself, but radiates them to other souls.“ (St. Faustina’s Diary, 1074).

             None of us want to hear platitudes when we are troubled. Yet, saying “In God we trust,” is not a cliché. Those words hold the depth of wisdom.

             Trust your troubles to God. Each night give your cares to him. He loves you and will be with you through every evil time. He promised he will cause all things to work together for good, for you who love him.

Blessings on your Holy Week.

Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Necessary Losses

Last week I asked if 4 minutes was too long. Response was mixed, so I’ll start with a quick summary and if you want to go deeper, more follows.

 (1 minute version)

 In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

Viorst writes,

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up and giving up and giving up some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

We should understand how these losses are linked to our gains.

For in leaving the blurred-boundary bliss of mother-child oneness, we become a conscious, unique and separate self, exchanging the illusion of absolute shelter and absolute safety for the triumphant anxieties of standing alone.

And in bowing to the forbidden and the impossible, we become a moral, responsible, adult self, discovering—within the limitations imposed by necessity—our freedoms and choices.

And in giving up our impossible expectations, we become a lovingly connected self, renouncing ideal visions of perfect friendship, marriage, children, family life for the sweet imperfections of all-too-human relationships.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

(3 more minutes)

There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

So there we have it. Times in our lives will hurt us. But because of that hurt we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Like my Grandma used to say as she rocked me, “This too shall pass.”

We might regain what we lost, but more likely we will grieve and hurt and then learn something along the way. We will deepen our character. The more we grow, the greater our peace and happiness can be in this life, as well as in the next.

Here are some times in our lives when we must let go, followed by what we will gain by doing so:

Childhood’s End –

Saint-Exupery writes, “To be a man, a woman, an adult is to accept responsibility.” We make and keep commitments. We don’t blame our current lives on our childhood. We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions.

The Married State –

We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go –

In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth –

Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or whom we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones –

Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality –

By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

 So yes, being alive means we will suffer loss. But the loss will open us to new possibilities. Jesus lost his life, but by doing so, regained for us the Kingdom of God. He rose to new life so that we will, too. In that life, there will be no loss.

Blessings on you and on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

To read more:

Viorst, Judith (1998). Necessary Losses. Simon & Schuster.

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Gratitude Attitude

I’ve heard from some of you that you are behind in the 4 minute posts, so this one will be very short; it should only take one minute.

 What is the best (and perhaps hardest) thing to do when times are very difficult? Choose gratitude.

• I may not have as much money as I want, but thank you, God, that I have enough for today. (And enough that I can share with those who have less?)

• I may feel desperately lonely, but thank you, God, for loving me always. (And for all the people who have loved me.)

• I may not be as healthy as I was, but thank you, God, that I can breathe. (If I can do more, like see/hear/walk/move, I am blessed indeed).

• I may be confused about my future, but thank you, God, that I can think. (And pray and analyze and read and make decisions.)

• I may feel stressed to the point of breaking, but thank you, God, that you know and care and want me to rest in you.

Rest in God for 15 seconds. Close your eyes. Breathe in your thanks and breathe out your fears.

That’s all for today. Rest. Thank God. Breathe. If you miss having 4 minute posts, rest in God longer, or read this 3 more times!  😉

 Blessings on you and on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

 Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Financial Fix

            Did you undertake any tips for reducing worry and fear from last week’s 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times post? You might want to try some deep breathing now, because the topic of the week is money. Please note that I am not a financial expert, and even the experts quoted below don’t know your particular circumstances. The advice below is general.

 Today’s first points are highlighted from Dave Ramsey’s book, Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness and also his website, www.daveramsey.com .

            Ramsey’s plan for getting out of debt consists of “Baby Steps” that must be done in order and with “Gazelle intensity”—not a grazing gazelle, but rather the intensity of prey as a predator attacks. To prepare for the baby steps, set up a written budget for the month, every month, and if you are married, agree on the budget together. If a change is necessary mid-month, both spouses must agree and must still balance the budget. Also, stop buying anything on credit.

1. Save $1,000 as a Starter Emergency Fund – This must be done as quickly as possible, less than a month. Have a garage sale, sell something, work extra hours, whatever it takes. Don’t touch the $1000 except for a true, unforeseeable emergency. If an emergency comes up and you use part of the $1000, replace it ASAP.

2.      Pay Off All Debt With The Debt Snowball – List your current debts, other than the house, from smallest balance to largest.

Pay the minimum payment to stay current on all but the smallest debt. Pour every dollar you can find from anywhere in your budget into paying off that smallest debt.

When it is paid, take what you paid monthly on the smallest debt and add it to your minimum payment on the next largest debt, continuing until all debts are paid.

[Advisor Suze Orman (see below) recommends paying the debts with the highest interest rates first, but Ramsey believes motivation builds faster as you see one debt after another cleared.] Except for the house, if you can’t be debt-free on any item in 18 to 20 months, sell it.

3.      6 Months Expenses In Savings – Pour all you had been using for debt payment into federally insured, accessible savings for serious unforeseen emergencies, like injury or job loss. If it is likely that your job would take longer than 6 months to replace, save more.

[Advisor Suze Orman would advise building savings before debt reduction if you are in danger of losing your job.]

 Read about Ramsey’s remaining steps to financial fitness in his book or online:

4. Invest 15% of Income Into Roth IRAs And Pre-Tax Retirement Plans

5. College Funding

6. Pay Off Your Home Early

7. Build Wealth And Give!

Another excellent book on personal finance is Suze Orman’s 2009 Action Plan: Keeping Your Money Safe and Sound, with her advice for this economic downturn.

What you must do in 2009 about:

Credit

• Make it a priority to pay off your credit card balances.
• Read every statement and all correspondence from your credit card company to make sure you are aware of any changes to your account, such as skyrocketing interest rates.
• Work to get your FICO credit score above 720.
• Be very careful where you turn to for help with credit card debt. Debt consolidators are often a very bad deal. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling is a smarter choice.
• Resist the temptation to use retirement savings or a home equity line of credit (HELOC) to pay off credit card debt. Stop thinking of credit as a safety net. The only true safety net is savings.

Retirement Investing

•  Make sure you have the right mix of stocks and bonds in your retirement accounts given your age. (See her book or website www.suzeorman.com for more information.)
•  Don’t make early withdrawals or take loans from retirement accounts to pay for non-retirement expenses.
•  Convert an old 401(k) to a rollover IRA so you can invest in the best low-cost funds, ETFs, and bonds.
•  If eligible in 2009, consider moving at least a portion of a 401(k) rollover into a Roth IRA. Or wait until 2010 to convert to a Roth, when everyone, regardless of income, will be able to make this move. Just be aware of the tax due at conversion.

Saving

•  Make sure your bank or credit union is covered by federal deposit insurance.
•  Check that what you have on deposit is eligible for full insurance coverage in the unlikely event your bank or credit union fails.
•  If your savings is in a money market mutual fund sold through a brokerage or mutual fund firm, consider moving your money into the Treasury money market fund at that company.
•  Build up your savings to cover 8 months of living expenses.
•  Move all money you need within the next five to 10 years into savings. Money you need soon does not belong in the stock market.

Spending

•  Separate wants from needs.
•  Get over your guilt that you aren’t “providing” for your kids.
•  Strike the word “deserve” from the conversation. What you can truly afford is all that counts.
•  Try to negotiate better terms on a car loan you can’t keep up with.
•  Be very careful when asked to cosign any loan, no matter how much you love the person who is asking for your help.

Real Estate

•  Push for a “mortgage modification” if your current loan is too expensive.
•  Do not use credit cards or retirement funds to pay for a too-expensive home.
•  Stay informed about new programs, from lenders and the government, in the months ahead that aim to keep more homeowners out of foreclosure. Check www.suzeorman.com .
•  Build a real savings fund; a Home Equity Line Of Credit should not be your safety net in 2009.
•  Focus on your home’s long-term value, not its price change from month to month.

Paying for college:

•  If your child is heading to college within four years and your college savings are in the stock market, you should begin to phase it out of the market, so that you are 100% out by the time he or she is 17.
•  If you have a child who will enter college in 2009–2010, look into getting a Stafford loan.
•  If Stafford loans are not enough, parents should consider a PLUS loan. Significant changes to this program last year make this a viable option for many more families.
•  Stay away from private student loans at all costs.
•  If you are graduating from college in 2009 with student loan debt, know your repayment options.

To protect your family and yourself:

•  Build a substantial savings account today so you will be okay if you are laid off.
•  Do not—repeat, do not—go without health insurance.
•  Shop for private health insurance if you are laid off; it is often less expensive than COBRA.
•  Purchase an affordable term life insurance policy if anyone is dependent on your income.
•  Make sure you have all your estate-planning documents in order.

            An excellent book on personal finance written especially for women is by Suze Orman: Women & Money: Owning The Power To Control Your Destiny. Orman points out that due to the high level of divorce, as well as the likelihood that a woman will outlive her husband, it is irresponsible for any woman to avoid understanding and directing financial matters.

 I’m certainly not a financial expert, but today’s economy requires we all become more informed. I hope I’ve given you a starting point.

 Blessings on your week!

 Betty Arrigotti

¹My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor,…⁵save yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the hand of the fowler. Proverbs 6:1a,5e

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have in order to impress people we don’t like.” Dave Ramsey

 To Read More:

Orman, Suze (2009). 2009 Action Plan: Keeping Your Money Safe and Sound, Spiegel & Grau.

Orman, Suze (2007). Women & Money: Owning The Power To Control Your Destiny, Spiegel & Grau.

Ramsey, Dave (2003). Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness, Thomas Nelson Publishers.

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – To Handle Worry

Welcome back to another 4 minute post. Today we’ll look at one effect of hard times that can become debilitating–our tendency to worry until we are fettered by fear.

 Marshall J Cook tackles our fears from a spiritual perspective in his book, How to Handle Worry – A Catholic Approach. He writes that worry can be productive when it motivates us to action, but destructive when it stagnates us, or when it becomes so chronic that it affects our health. The following are some of the nuggets available in his book:

In order to cope with anxiety, understand that anxiety is a normal reaction to stressors. Sometimes simply acknowledging nervousness is enough. But other times we need to take action—deep breaths, mini breaks in the day to relax, slowing down and simplifying, leaving room in our schedule for the unexpected, keeping a daily journal, adding music to our life, exercising, and/or getting the amount of sleep we really need.

We always need to take our problems to the Good Shepherd. Turn all the “stuff” – big and small – over to God. God is in control. Allowing our anxiety to keep us from action demonstrates a lack of trust in God, for if we truly believe that God is good and wants what is best for us, that He is all powerful and knows better than we do what we need, that this life is only a short part of our whole existence, then we have nothing to fear.

But even when we want to trust him (Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!), worries return. What then? Meet the anxieties head on – set a 10 minute appointment for them at the same every day. When worries come at other times, tell them you’ll think about them at the set time, not now. When the set time comes, fully experience the worry. Let it flood you. Christ is with you; nothing bad will happen to you. The worry is only a feeling. The storm will subside, replaced by a sense of relief. Then thank God for being with you, and even for the worry itself. At some point the worry won’t show up for its 10 minute appointment. Then pray for 10 minutes and thank God again.

In order to turn anxiety into energy, don’t resist or deny the fear. Track it to its true source. Name it. Then push the fear to the extreme. What is the worst that can happen? What are the odds that it will?

Figure out what, if anything, you can do about this particular fear. Let God help you choose the option that seems best. Write down exactly what you will do and when. Next, act in spite of your fear. Move forward. Abide by your decision and its consequences. Breathe deeply, pray, listen.

If your worry is due to lack of information, learn more and make a decision. If it is fear of the future, prepare fully and leave the rest to God. If you are afraid you made a mistake in the past, decide to act to repair the mistake, or not to act, and let it go. If your fear has frozen you into inertia, engage in vigorous sloth-busting. Take a step! If you are a master at evasion, face the music and remember God is leading the band.

If your worries keep you from making decisions, the author counsels, “Consider this. In a fundamental sense, you can’t make a ‘wrong’ decision. Whatever you decide, asking for God’s guidance and trusting in his love for you, you will grow in faith and love. You will find triumph and failure, sorrow and joy, because these are the essence of life on earth. You will more fully feel God’s abiding and incredible love for you, and you will see more clearly his plan for your life. When you look at it that way, what are you worried about?”

©©©©©©©©©©©©

In his newest book, Real Life, Dr. Phil McGraw writes to prepare people for “the seven most challenging days of your life.” One of those 7 is the day we realize we’ve been allowing fear to dominate our lives.

Dr. Phil believes we need to learn to be true to ourselves by choosing to live our lives authentically—not by conforming to what others think we should do, but by following our own passions and unique abilities. He says, “An interesting thing about integrity and self-acceptance is that when you’re comfortable in your own skin, other people sense it and usually end up respecting you a whole lot more than if you spent all your time trying to please them anyway.”

However, changing the way we are living, when we are living in fear, is scary. We have to be so tired of not living authentically that we risk the unknown to claim a new way, the change we (and the world around us) deserve.

Common fears are:

• Fear of losing control (reduces the sense of peace and joy in life)
• Fear of humiliation (keeps us from fighting for things worth fighting for)
• Fear of pain and punishment (keeps us from challenging ourselves)
• Fear of rejection (keeps us from enjoying friendships and partnerships)
• Fear of responsibility (keeps us from finding achievement and joy in life)
• Fear of intimacy (keeps us from the joy of relationships)
• Fear of failure (impedes us from seeking the values and passions we want to explore)

Dr. Phil’s action steps:

1. Decide what we really want and care about.
2. Examine how far we are away from what we want.
3. Make a life decision from the heart, a conviction.
4. Be true to ourselves, focus on where our lives don’t represent who we are and where we can change (responsibly, not selfishly).
5. Make it happen. Plan with goals and timetables.
6. Acknowledge our fears. What drives our behavior?
7. Challenge our irrational fears (often about our “unworthiness” or others’ judgments of us).
8. Set ourselves up for success (figure out what help we need and get it).
9. Know that we are not alone. Everyone feels anxiety and fear. Courage is acting in the face of it.

You’ve spent 4 minutes learning about ways to cope with hard times. I hope you find one bit of wisdom that will calm your worries. If not, you can go straight to the Source—below are some Bible quotes to consider. They can be printed out and taped to your mirror or slipped into a lunch bag.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti 

Mark 5:

³⁶But Jesus, overhearing what was being spoken, said to the synagogue official,

 “Do not be afraid any longer, only believe.”

Matthew 10:

²⁹“Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. ³¹“So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

Psalm 118:

⁶The LORD is for me;

I will not fear;

What can man do to me?

Psalm 34:

⁴I sought the LORD, and He answered me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 55:

 ⁴My heart is in anguish within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

¹⁶As for me, I shall call upon God,

And the LORD will save me.

Psalm 94:

¹⁸If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”

Your loving kindness, O LORD, will hold me up.

¹⁹When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,

Your consolations delight my soul.

Philippians 4:

⁶Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Luke 12:

³²Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

Matthew 11:

²⁸Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Grandma’s platitudes

            Welcome to the first installment of 2009 Lenten posts called 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times.

             When I was first learning to be a writer, I was told I didn’t include enough conflict in my stories. As a mother of four I spent much of my day trying to reduce conflict. Eventually I learned that people love and can identify with a story when the protagonists, through the trouble that comes their way, learn to face their weaknesses and grow enough to overcome their darkest moments and (ta-da!) save the day.

            Real life isn’t too different from stories in that respect. It is through our hard times that we develop character. We’d rather not suffer. We’d like to avoid all pain, for ourselves and our loved ones, but we wouldn’t learn and grow without challenges.

            One thing we can count on—we will be given these “opportunities for growth.” Life is sometimes hard. And lately it seems to be getting harder. Not just because of natural consequences—it’s bad enough when we know we got ourselves into our mess—but for many, these days are trying through no fault of their own. Though they’ve never smoked they are told they have lung cancer. Or the savings that they’ve been responsibly building dwindles with the stock market. Their company closes and leaves them without income. Or their spouse dies.

            Whether our trouble is our own fault or not, we find ourselves in situations where we can’t control events. Sometimes all we can control is our reaction and our attitude. But therein lies our strength.

            In most of my 4 Minutes emails I give information that professionals have researched and advised, but in this first 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times, I am going to another kind of expert. Our parents and grandparents have lived through their share of difficult times, and we can learn from their hard-won wisdom. So I’m falling back on some of Grandma’s platitudes.

“Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

            This is a little hard to take, especially when you’re the one in crisis and the person quoting it isn’t. Actually, for each of us at some point, the crisis really will kill us, so this hardly seems comforting. However, it is true that hard times force us to grow and become more than we were when times were easy. I remember crying on my Grandma’s lap. As she rocked me she would remind me, “This too shall pass.”

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” St. Francis of Assisi

            Is the challenge facing us something that is not going to change, no matter how desperately we wish it could? Is a marriage over and beyond reconciliation? Has a loved one died? Is a health change irreversible? Then what we do have control over is our acceptance. I’m not saying to cut short our grieving. Grief can’t be rushed and its healing process should be honored. But it’s useless to fight against what cannot be changed.

            We are more resilient than we know. We can deal with this, as painful as it is, and continue our lives. Sometimes one minute at a time is all we can manage but we hang on and make it through the minute. And then the next. We just keep on keeping on, for ourselves and for our loved ones.

            Someone described loss as being in a dark, twisty tunnel and the door behind you has just slammed shut. They only way through it is through it. It hurts but we will survive.

             But what if our crisis isn’t necessarily permanent? Then rather than acceptance we need a little perspective and courage to change the things we can. We must make progress. Again, it might start simply by breathing through a minute. (Thank you, Lord, that I can breathe.) Making it through a day. (Thank you, Lord, that I’m alive.) But a moment will come when we must look at the situation for possibilities of recovery.

            We divide the distance between where we are and where we want to be into small steps and then we start walking.

            What information do I need to gather in order to proceed? Whom can I call for help? Do I need to acquire a new skill? Rebuild my confidence? What will it take to move on? Another quote from St. Francis says, “Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

“Pray as though everything depends on God; work as though everything depends on you.”

            Grandma had total faith in God, as well as a work ethic that kept her from waiting for an answer without doing her part. God will help us. But usually rather than taking away our pain, He will give us the inner resources we need to succeed despite the pain.

            Or He will send us help. Are we trying to get through this time all alone? Reaching out to others may be part of working as if everything depended on us. Allowing someone who is not in crisis to help can be a gift to them, for they receive the blessings and joy of service.

            Hard times are part of every life. We’d like to avoid them, but when we can’t, let’s face them courageously.

• Some struggles can be seen as opportunities, once the shock wears off, and we can learn from them and grow.
• Other hard times bring permanent loss. Then we must learn the difficult lessons of letting go and acceptance. At those times we survive by realizing and appreciating what gifts we still have.
• If we are among the fortunate who are not struggling when others are, then we must respond to hard times by being aware of our blessings and reaching out to help.

            The final quote I leave you with is not from Grandma, but rather from God himself:

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Blessings on your week.

Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Should you marry?

Should you get married?

Below are more questions that different authors have proposed for helping you decide if marriage is right for you:

 From Are You Ready for Marriage? on Dr. Phil McGraw’s website http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/58: 

• Why are you getting married?
  Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement. Write a list of pros and cons about your partner and your relationship. If you have to talk yourself into marriage — don’t. If you have to talk your fiancé into marriage — no way! Make sure you are not getting married to escape or avoid something. Have you just always wanted to get married? That’s not a good enough reason. If you get nauseous shopping for a wedding dress or seem to be sick every time you have to meet the caterer, listen to your body.
• Do you know and trust your partner’s personal history?
  The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Learn from it. How has your partner behaved in past relationships? How have they behaved with you? What has your partner learned about marriage from his/her parents? Look closely at your partner’s parents — children learn what they live.
• Have you planned a marriage — or just a wedding?
  Cake, flowers and fine china are all exciting, but there’s more at stake than one day. Your wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime. You don’t just want to be married; you want to be happily married. Think about the next 50 years. Put at least the same amount of time and effort that you are using to plan your wedding into planning your marriage.
• Are you investing more than you can afford to lose?
  Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, for example, the cost is too high. If it all falls apart, are you going to be emotionally bankrupt? It is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else.
• Have you identified and communicated your needs and expectations?
  Know yourself. You can’t determine if somebody is good for you if you don’t know your own needs. It’s not selfish to have goals within a relationship. Express your needs and expectations now — not when you’re already in the marriage. What are your absolute deal breakers? Do you know your partner’s?

Here is a different take on marriage readiness, from Discerning Marriage: A Community of Life and Love. Fr. Michael Sweeney, O.P. encourages couples to discern whether the call, the promise, faithfulness, and sacrifice of their relationship would lead to a covenant marriage.

Discerning the Call: Does this relationship give you fuller identity? Can you imagine your life, with integrity, not including your partner?

• How well do I know the story of my partner? Are there elements of his/her story about which she or he is reluctant to speak?
• How forthcoming have I been about my own story?

Discerning the Promise: Does he/she urge you to be who you truly are?

• Have you a witness in the other—someone who delights in you so that you are seen, appreciated, and recognized for who you are?
• What, if anything, would your partner change about you? What would you change about him/her?
• Are there any moments when you are uncomfortable in his/her company? When does this occur? What happens as a result?
• Have you ever felt belittled by your partner? Are you able to talk about this together?

Discerning Faithfulness: Do you know the other will be truthful when he/she vows to love and honor you all the days of your life?

• Are you prepared to speak the whole truth about yourselves as questions arise? Can you think of anything you would not wish to share with your partner? Why are you reluctant?
• Are you satisfied with the amount of time that you speak about important things? Are you both prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to have real time together?
• When you argue, are you able to “respond” to each other rather than merely to “react” to each other?
• Are you confident that enough has been spoken between you that you are truly able to be fully present to each other?

Discerning the Sign of the Covenant (Sacrifice): Are you both willing to pay the price of the relationship, to sacrifice for each other?

• Can you think of occasions when he or she has sacrificed plans or intentions for your sake?
• Can you think of occasions when your partner has proven that he/she is strong enough to take what you have to say? Do you frequently find yourself protecting your partner out of fear that he/she might be hurt by what you have to say?
• Do you find yourself protecting yourself because you fear that he or she might walk away from the relationship if you say what is really in your mind or heart? Are you secure in the knowledge of your heart that your partner wants to make you safe to speak?
• Are you jealous of your partner? Do you know in your heart that he/she is trustworthy? Can you accept that what he/she promises you is true?

 Other Questions:

• Do you regard your partner as fully your equal? Does he or she regard you as an equal? Do you seek to submit yourself to each other as an act of your love?
• Have you seen differences in the way that you relate to each other? Can you celebrate and take delight in those differences?

 And one last resource:

 From The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford, these questions could be applied to any decision, major ones like whether to marry, or small ones like whether to eat the doughnut:

1. 1.      Will this choice propel me toward my desired future, or will it keep me stuck in the past?
2. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment, or short-term gratification?
3. Is this choice standing in my own power, or am I trying to please another?
4. Am I looking for what is right, or am I looking for what is wrong?
5. Will this choice add to my life force, or will it rob me of my energy?
6. 6.      Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will I use it to beat myself up?
7. 7.      Will this choice empower and make me stronger, or will it disempower and keep me weak?
8. Is this act one of self-love or of self-sabotage?
9. Is this act one of faith, or one of fear?

10.  Is this choice made from my divinity, or my humanity? (Betty here. The author seems to mean out of a sense of connectedness vs. self-serving.)

I hope these posts have helped you take a sincere look at what you want from a partner before you are ready for marriage. My husband and I prayed over the years for our children to find kind spouses of faith and integrity. That is my prayer for each of you, too.

May your Holy Week be blessed and your Easter bring resurrection of the Spirit within you!

Betty Arrigotti

PS – I’d love to hear feedback!

 To read more:

Dr. Phil McGraw’s website http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/58

Sweeney, Fr. Michael, O.P. (2002). Discerning Marriage: A Community of Life and Love, The Catherine of Siena Institute.

Ford, Debbie (2004). The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life, Harper Collins.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Freely, Fully, Faithfully, Fruitfully

Good Friday has arrived, which means I’ve written 5 premarriage posts and 6 marriage posts during Lent. Yet, when Fr. Mike asked on Sunday at Mass what marriage advice my spouse and I had to offer as we celebrated 30 years, I went completely blank. (Husband came up with, “Don’t go to bed angry,” and saved the moment.)

So, to redeem myself, I’m going to offer some of my favorite tidbits:

• Like the song says, Turn Back to Me, with All Your Heart. When I most want to turn away is when it’s the hardest but most important to turn toward my husband and reconnect.
• That goes along with what someone said who shared our anniversary date. He and his wife promised to, Love each other when most unlovable.
• Always treat your spouse with respect, whether in person or when talking about him or her.
• Express gratitude for every service your spouse does for you, from a meal made to a day spent at work.
• In general, put your spouse first, ahead of any other person. Though occasionally your children’s needs must come first, a strong marriage is one of your greatest gifts to them. Set aside time alone together—a few (4?) minutes each day, one evening a week, and a weekend a couple of times each year.
• Pray together. Studies show couples who regularly pray and attend Church together have a much lower rate of divorce. Inviting the Holy Spirit into your marriage brings graces that reinforce your commitment to everlasting love.
• Play together. Find ways to keep laughter in your relationship. Not by teasing, of course.

I’ve been thinking about the Church’s view on marriage as it is illuminated by annulment (Decree of Nullity) proceedings. In order to determine whether a marriage was, in fact, a sacramental covenant that is indissoluble, the Church looks for four elements to be present at the time of the wedding. The Church asks whether both parties promised themselves:

• Freely – Were both members of the couple free to make a lifetime vow? Were they mature enough, mentally stable enough, and not encumbered by any situation that made marriage seem to be the only option?
• Fully – Was either party holding back some truth from the other? Were they ready and willing to accept each other as they were, without any conditions?
• Faithfully – Did they intend to remain faithful to each other alone, for life?
• Fruitfully – Was their love open to sharing with others, particularly children?

If these four elements were not present, the Church may find that a marriage, though legal (and thus recognizing any children as legitimate) may not have been a valid sacramental marriage.

It stands to reason that if we want our marriages to be lifelong, indissoluble, we should work to turn to each other every day and offer our love:

• Freely – Do I work to keep other commitments from coming between me and my spouse? Do I attempt to grow in my maturity and emotional strength in order to bring my best to my marriage?
• Fully – Do I keep part of myself protected from my spouse, or do I make an effort to grow in intimacy and trust?
• Faithfully – Do I guard myself from temptation? Do I keep our marital challenges private and discuss them only with my spouse or with a trained professional? Do my actions assure my spouse that he or she is now and will always be my one and only?
• Fruitfully – We recognize love by the fruit that it bears. What sacrifices can I make to show my love? How can I turn away from selfishness and be open to the good of others? Am I parenting my children as fully as I can, teaching them spiritually, morally, and intellectually?

This post is our final one for this Lent. Like last year, I am making it shorter than usual in order to give you time to write a short note to your spouse that begins, “I love you because…” Then slip it inside an Easter card or Easter basket.

No groaning allowed. We all need to count our blessings from time to time, and your spouse is one of your best!

 I’d love to hear from you about how you’ve applied any of the ideas, or how I could improve these posts for next year (even if you say you hate homework).

 May your Easter Season and your relationship be blessed!

 Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Premarriage Questions

Should you get married?

All sorts of people have written questions to help couples make this lifelong decision. At the risk of turning you into Inquisitors, I’ll offer some of those sources in this email and the next, and hope that your decision will be made clearer as you discuss them.

The first set of questions is from a list I wrote when my daughter was considering marriage. It’s been a while since I wrote it and I don’t know if I used other sources that should be cited. If so, my apologies to those authors:

Religion

• Will you each practice your own faith or worship together?
• Whose faith denomination will you attend?
• Whose faith denomination will you get married in?
• Do you both value weekly attendance?
• How will you celebrate spiritual holidays like Christmas and Easter?
• In which faith would children be raised?
• How do you each feel about monetary support of a church?
• Are there any tenets of your fiancé’s faith that go against your beliefs or conscience?
• Are there any tenets of your own faith that your fiancé can’t accept?
• How will you work out agreements?
• What are your thoughts on responsibility to serve others? Volunteering?
• What does your church require of a married couple?

In-laws

• Do your families both welcome your relationship?
• Do you like your future in-laws?
• How strong are the marriages in your families?
• What would you like to do the same, or differently than your parents?
• How do you feel about your in-laws being your children’s grandparents and relatives?
• How will you split time between the families? Holidays?
• Will you both put your spouse first before your original families?
• How much time would you each like to spend with your families?

Money

• Will you both work?
• How will you combine your incomes? Separate accounts?
• How will decisions about major purchases be made?
• What are your thoughts about credit, savings, debt? Are they compatible?
• How would you each feel if she made significantly more than he?
• What are your thoughts about mothers working?
• Are husbands’ financial responsibilities different than wives’?
• How would you feel if the other didn’t want to or couldn’t work?
• Where would you like to live: city, country, suburb, apartment, house?
• Do you know the financial situation of the other? Level of debt? Income potential?
• What type of wedding/honeymoon do you each think is financially reasonable?
• How do you feel about budgeting?

Fidelity

• What are your expectations of the other?
• Have you discussed your relationships of the past so you both are comfortable with them now?
• How do you see yourself responding to infidelity?
• Have you discussed your fears about this?
• Do you feel completely confident in the other’s commitment to you?

Sex

• Are you comfortable with your own sexuality, as a gift from God?
• Can you openly discuss it when you are uncomfortable about something sexual?
• Do you feel cherished and respected?
• Have you discussed and agreed on your feelings about premarital sex?
• Have you talked with a doctor or tested for any medical concerns you have?
• Can you both accept the necessity to abstain and be faithful during separation or medical restraints?
• Can you tell each other what you like and don’t like as it comes up?
• What do you think about artificial birth control? Natural birth control?
• Do you both strive to please the other?

Children

• Do you both want children?
• How many children would you feel comfortable with?
• When would you hope to start having children?
• Have you discussed your concerns about being parents?
• What were your parents’ means of discipline?
• How would you discipline differently than your parents?
• Would you want your children to attend private religious schools?
• If so, how much of a financial sacrifice would be reasonable for private schools?
• Would you expect and plan for your children to go to college?
• What are your thoughts on abortion? Adoption?
• What if your child had special needs/disabilities?
• Have you discussed what medical issues run in your families?

Division of labor

• Who will cook, clean, launder, shop, maintain the car, etc.?
• Will one of you stay home with children? How long?
• What do you think of daycare?
• Whose work will determine where you live?
• What are your career dreams?

Social

• Do you expect to spend time apart with your friends? How much?
• How might you enjoy evenings?
• Do you enjoy the same types of activities? Can you play together?
• What is your idea of a vacation?
• Do you both enjoy talking to each other? Are you best friends?
• Do either of you worry about the other’s drinking? Drug use? Health?

Miscellaneous

• What are some of your dreams for your future? Fears?
• Where do you picture yourselves in 5 years? 10 years?
• How do you behave when you are angry? How does your fiancé? How about when sad?
• What do you both do to work out disagreements? What do you wish you both would do?
• Do you always feel safe around the other?

Questions from Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt covers a wide range of topics: sex, values, religion, money, education, in-laws, careers, ethics, commitment, snoring, parenthood, cooking, cleaning, love, friends, exes, hopes, dreams, romance, travel, savings, secrets, taxes, children, space, holidays, television, pets, interests, fears, retirement, and trust. It also offers questions to ask parents, friends, religious leaders, lawyers and children. Here are a few:

Questions for your friends and family:

• Do you think we make a good match? Why?
• What kinds of problems, if any, do you see us having if we get married?
• Have you ever witnessed him/her mistreating me in any way?
• What advice would you give me before marriage?
• How does he/she make me a better person?
• Is there anything you know about him/her that you think I should know about?
• How happy do you see us being ten years from now?
• What do you consider his/her strong points? Weaknesses?
• What values do you think we have in common?
• In what ways have you seen us grow together?

Questions for his/her friends:

• Has he/she ever been a heavy drinker? Had a gambling problem?
• What is the craziest thing you’ve ever seen him/her do?
• How does he/she react when angry?
• How does he/she help others?
• When you think about him/her, what positive attributes come to mind?
• In what way do you think he/she will change me for the better?
• How would you describe his/her values and morals?
• What is the most memorable experience you’ve had with him or her?
• What does he/she say about me when I’m not around?
• What do they say about him/her when he’s/she’s not around?
• How does he/she act toward other women/men?
• What do you know about past relationships?
• What does he/she worry about?

Questions for future in-laws:

• How and when do you see us celebrating holidays and family traditions together?
• How often do you expect us to visit?
• How often do you expect to visit us?
• As a new daughter/son-in-law, what expectations will you have of me?
• As a new in-law, what do you hope I can bring to the family?
• What do you hope we can do together in the coming years?
• Are there any family concerns you think I should be aware of?
• What advice do you have for me in marriage?
• What would you like to know about me?
• What would you like for me to know about your family?
• What would you like to know about my family?
• What are some of the best times you have had together as a family?
• What are some of your hopes for our marriage?
• What are some of your concerns about our marriage?

If you don’t want to make people feel grilled, these are questions that you might gain answers to gradually. One or two at a time would make great discussion springboards.

Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more:

Outcalt, Todd (1998). Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage, Perigee/Penguin

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Relationship Myths

How are we doing? Can’t believe another week has flown by? Maybe you still haven’t read the last 4m4m post so you groaned when you saw this one? That’s ok. But your beloved is worth 4 minutes, right?

 Sometimes we have expectations of our relationships that are unrealistic, but since we don’t examine them, we don’t realize our mistakes.

Here are 10 myths that Dr. Phil McGraw writes about in Relationship Rescue,

1. A great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds. Men and women are too different to truly understand each other. Let’s accept our differences as enrichment, rather than making them sources of conflict.
2. A great relationship demands a great romance. Being in love is not like first falling in love. Emotions move in time from exciting to deep and secure.
3. A great relationship requires great problem solving. All relationships will have long term issues that will continue to be disagreed about. Let’s place the relationship above the conflict. Agree to disagree. Achieve closure on the emotions, even if we can’t find closure on the issue.
4. A great relationship requires common interests that bond us together forever. It’s not what we do, it’s how we do it. If forcing ourselves into common activities creates tension, don’t do it. Let’s enjoy what we naturally have in common.
5. A great relationship is a peaceful one. Arguing is neither good nor bad. If done in a healthy way, it can release tension and resolve problems, building a trust that we can disagree and still be close. Suppression of conflict can be destructive if it keeps issues from getting resolved. The key is to get emotional closure at the end of a disagreement so that; even if the problem isn’t solved, both find their minds and hearts in balance.
6. A great relationship lets us vent all our feelings. Many relationships are destroyed because one person could not forgive what the other said or did in anger.
7. A great relationship has nothing to do with sex. Sex provides an important time-out from life’s stress and adds closeness that is extremely important. If our sexual relationship is good, it registers about 10% on the importance scale. However, if we don’t have a good sexual relationship, it registers about 90% on the scale, taking on gigantic focus of the relationship.
8. A great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner. As long as the quirks or nuances are not abusive or blatantly destructive, we can learn to live with them.
9. There is a right way and a wrong way to make our relationship great. What is important is what works for the couple. This also holds true for how our beloved shows us love. It might not be the way we would choose, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
10.   Our relationship can become great only when we get our partner straightened out. We are jointly accountable for the current state of our relationship. Instead of waiting for our partner to change, we can and will serve ourselves much better by looking at ourselves instead of our partners.

 And speaking of looking at ourselves, Dr. Phil discusses some “bad spirits” that are destructive to our relationships and which we can change. We need to know our self-defeating nature so intimately that if it appears, we’ll be able to spot it and stop it immediately.

1. We’re scorekeepers. Partners cooperate, not compete. Focus on what we can give, not on what we are owed. Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control.
2. We’re fault finders. If we’re criticizing, we’re not praising. And if we’re criticizing, we are not connecting. We are driving our partners away.
3. We think it’s our way or the highway. Our intolerance of our partner’s initiatives or ideas puts our own ego above the welfare of the relationship.
4. We turn into attack dogs. We start out discussing an issue and end up ripping into our partner with a personal attack.
5. We are passive war mongers. We thwart our partner by constantly doing that which we deny we are doing or the exact opposite of what we say we are doing. Our passively aggressiveness is designed to control, but insidiously and underhandedly.
6. We resort to smoke and mirrors. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced isn’t real. The result is utter emotional confusion.
7. We will not forgive. When we choose to bear anger at our partner, we build a wall around ourselves.  Negativity begins to dominate our life. But by forgiving our partner, we can release ourselves.
8. We are bottomless pits. We are so needy that we consistently undermine our chances of success. Our partner is frustrated by never seeming to be able to “fill us up,” and never knows a fully functioning peaceful relationship.
9. We’re too comfortable. We don’t challenge ourselves; we don’t strive for any kind of excellence. It takes risk to keep a relationship improving.
10. We’ve given up. Often seen in an abusive relationship, this learned helplessness kills our spirit.

We’re not perfect people, so no relationship is perfect. But marriage makes us uncomfortable enough to encourage us to grow. We want to keep getting better, being more loving, and growing closer—for ourselves, for our partners, for our marriage, and for our families.

 Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more about it: McGraw, Dr. Phil (2000). Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner. Hyperion.