Self-Assessment

We return today to Mike Bayer in his book, Best Self: Be You Only Better and our look at the different spheres where we can grow. We reviewed Social and Personal last week. Covering 5 areas this week, it may begin to feel like an examination of conscience, which isn’t a bad thing during this Lenten season. The goal is to discover areas where we should grow.

Health

Push your fear aside and don’t procrastinate any longer. If you have a health issue that you know you should address, start today! Take control away from your anti-self and be proactive as your Best Self. Never let a health issue linger!

Scan your body head to toe. How do you feel? What needs attention? What habits need to change? Are you resistant to change? Why might that be?

Does your diet need to change to be your best self? Your exercise commitment? Remember, it isn’t selfish to take care of yourself.

What do you need to continue, stop, and start doing to enhance your Best Self in the area of Health?

Education

Our goal is to become life-long learners!

What would you like or love to learn? Why aren’t you? Are the reasons valid? Commit to progress!

Keep learning about yourself!

What is working well about learning? What are behaviors that keep you from learning?

What do you need to continue, stop, and start doing to enhance your Best Self in the area of Education?

Relationships

If both people operate out of their Best Selves, relationships will run relatively smoothly. However, you can only influence how you operate in a relationship.

Understanding your values or principles is key to healthy relationship decisions. What are the top 5-7 core values that you don’t want to sacrifice for others? Honesty? Responsibility? Authenticity? Did your family of origin share these values? How has that affected your self-image? Your feelings for your family?

Do the people in your current family or your intimate relationships share your core values? Or do they have values that line up or complement yours? What are you willing to accept and not accept in your relationship?

If you are a parent, this is perhaps the most important area to be working as your Best Self while helping children develop their Best Selves. Help them discover who they are, what they are interested in, and where their passions emerge. Encourage them to develop their gifts, a sense of gratitude, and the ability to tune out negativity. Listen well; focus on their conversation. Communicate clearly when they are open to hearing. Say no, when necessary, then stay firm while acknowledging their disappointment. Teach negotiation skills. Find what their currency is, what motivates them, and use it to encourage appropriate behavior. Reorder your family time to reflect your collective priorities. Don’t overcompensate for how you were raised.

What do you need to continue, stop, and start doing to enhance your Best Self in the area of Relationships?

Employment

Rather than what do you want to be, ask yourself, who do you want to be, as your authentic self.

“What would your Best Self love to do for work? […] would make you feel like you’re using your gifts, doing your art, in a way that is productive and rewarding? […] Allow your fears to melt away.”

What do you love about your current job? Can you do more of that? Are there changes in your lifestyle that could make your life better? A move closer to work? Working from home? Managing on less money?

“Does your job need to change, or does your approach to it need to change?”

If you do decide it is time for you to change jobs, have a plan so that you don’t jeopardize your finances while you look for the work you need. If you are out of work, spend as much time looking for work as you would at the job each day. Spend time learning about the companies you consider before the interview. Work odd jobs or freelance until the right work is found.

“Grow or go!” Be “in sponge mode” always learning and evolving.

What do you need to continue, stop, and start doing to enhance your Best Self in the area of Employment?

Spiritual Development Life

“Your spiritual self is the place within you from which all goodness and light radiates outward. It is where you form your integrity, values, and how you treat other people.”

According to Dallas Willard, “Spiritual people are not those who engage in certain spiritual practices; they are those who draw their life from a conversational relationship with God.”

We need faith to face fears and have the courage to make changes.

Cultivate spirituality by being intentional about your faith, by fanning the flames of your spirit with reading, by seeking quiet within yourself to make room for the spiritual, being aware of signs and opportunities, giving credit to the spiritual when things improve, sharing your spiritual journey with others and listening to theirs, finding joy and encouraging it, and giving generously to others of your time and your possessions.

Consider writing a spiritual mission statement for yourself, then reading it frequently.

What do you need to continue, stop, and start doing to enhance your Best Self in the area of Spirituality?

We’ve now considered 7 spheres of our lives and perhaps you’ve found, like I did, that some areas need work. Next week we will plan a course of action to tackle bringing about changes that will enhance our lives. And I bet you thought the hard work of Lent was almost over!

May you begin a new phase of growth in your life!

Obstacles to Change

This weekend I heard the best quote!

“In Essentials Unity, In Non-Essentials Liberty, In All Things Charity.” Seems like a good motto for these divisive political times, especially, “In all things Charity!”

That’s a step aside from our discussion of acting from our Best Selves, though certainly not contradictory. But there’s much to cover so let’s return to Mike Bayer in his book, Best Self: Be You Only Better.

Identifying Your Obstacles –

What keeps us from changing for the better?

Fear. Yes, fear keeps us locked into old patterns. The first step to fighting our fears is to identify them, as many as possible. What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life? What triggers those fears? Is there a common theme to your fears? Perhaps fear of what others think? Fear of failure?

Put your fears to the test. Are they true? Do they serve your best interests? Do they generate progress toward healthy goals? If not true, there’s no use giving those fears any power. If they don’t serve your best interest, let them go. If they don’t move you toward your goals, fight fear with faith—in yourself and in God.

If they are true and reasonable, plan a strategy that reduces or eliminates your fear. Perhaps you need self-affirmations. Perhaps you need to set goals to counter your fears, like saving enough money to not be financially afraid to try a new path. Face your fears down!

Ego. Do you feel inadequate deep down, and then act in unpleasant ways to cover up that lack? Are you defensive, a right fighter, a boaster, a revenge seeker, possessive, a gossip, vain, dishonest, a bully, or a perceived victim? These are coverups for lacking a sense of being enough, just the way you are. They get in the way of true growth.

One strategy is to stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your own situation. Blaming others takes away your power to improve the situation.

My favorite quote in this section of the book was, “When you turn off the news, you should feel more educated, not more inflamed.” Be careful of what input you allow in your life!

Routine. Are you too busy to focus on change? Ask yourself when considering new commitments, is this realistic for me, and will it make it easier for me to tap into who I really am?

Start the day in charge – get up a bit earlier and plan your day.

Take time to list what you have to be grateful for.

Find rituals that work for you and reaffirm you!

Find a mantra to remind yourself of your abilities, like “I got this!” or “God is with me!” or “I can do more than I think I can!”

Now that we have looked at ways to improve ourselves internally, we are ready to tackle the external areas awaiting growth. We don’t need to focus on all of them, because an improvement in one sphere can positively influence all the others, but it helps to do a self-assessment in each of the seven categories. For today, we’ll look at the first two of seven spheres. The book, of course, studies each area in depth, and I recommend getting the book if this summary intrigues you.

• Social Life – “Don’t run from your emotions or from the feelings of others; instead, embrace them and use them to deepen your relationship with yourself and the people within your orbit.” How are you at:
  • Sending clear messages? If you suspect social anxiety can affect this, consulting with a good therapist or life coach may be a useful tactic.
  • Listening? Can you focus on the other, or are you too focused on what you want to say?
  • Giving and receiving feedback? This is how we help one another improve. Bayer suggests, “…present the information in a way that is gentle, caring, and solution oriented, and only after you’ve made sure they are open to hearing it, then your feedback can be helpful…”
  • Handling emotional interactions? (Betty here, “Ack! I’d like to do a Chicken Little and hide rather than tackle difficult conversations.”) Bayer says, “Being outside of your comfort zone is really just an opportunity to connect more deeply with your authenticity and with another person. […] But it’s important to realize that you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. You are only responsible for your own.”

• Personal Life – Take care of yourself first, so you have surplus for others.
  • Attend to your inner dialogue. Often the negative messages we heard as a child continue to play in our heads. Are you gentle and positive toward yourself? Coach yourself to reinforce your intelligence, your competence, your skills, your worth, and your appearance with messages of positivity.
  • Self-care is not selfish, it is compassionate toward yourself. Work to manage your stress. Calm yourself with deep breaths. Get daily exercise that you enjoy. Celebrate yourself by having some fun or helping others. Sleep regular hours and don’t skimp! Unplug from technology for some time every day. Find a way to relax with prayer, meditation, yoga, etc.
  • Passions! Find what energizes you and do it! Maybe it will be quiet creativity. Maybe it will be time with good friends. Maybe it will lead to a new career in a new area!
  • Pain – If you are in emotional pain, whether from rejection or loss, be assured you are not alone and that what you are feeling now, though so powerful, will subside. Accept all the comfort that is offered to you and seek out the help you need.

Only two weeks of Lent left! There’s still time to really focus on making this a season of growth. May God guide you!

Best Self/Anti Self

Best Self/Anti Self

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Growth!

This week we will switch over to our second author, Mike Bayer in Best Self: Be You, Only Better. He and Matthew Kelly have many ideas in common, but Bayer comes at self-improvement from a different angle. He starts by reminding us that we are each unique, and not only is that good, it is wonderful! Only we have the genes, experiences, and personality that come together to prepare us for our own contribution to this world. “Even when you don’t feel like you are anywhere near good enough, you are enough because of one simple truth… you are you! The only one.”

Bayer’s Best Self Model will take the reader through different spheres where improvement might help us to be our best self:

1. Social life
2. Personal life
3. Health
4. Education
5. Relationships
6. Employment
7. Spiritual development life

Though we are unique, we have some traits in common when we are operating out of our Best Self:

• We use a kind inner voice.Our self-talk is not critical.
• We are universally fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free.

To begin defining our Best Self, Bayer recommends we write down a list of every quality we possess, such as compassion, patience, enthusiasm, courage, or honor. Write whatever traits you are proud to feel are part of you. His book lists over 200 possibilities! He goes on to ask us to name a character that represents our best self, and even draw that character so we have a very visual image when we need to call our Best Self forward. I came up with Lassie. When I’m at my best I’m an intelligent, calm shepherd, who watches over others to keep them safe and help them thrive.

We are encouraged to keep this character in mind when we need to coach ourselves to better actions, remembering those traits we listed above and our universal ability to tap into being fearless, shameless, honest, empowered, grateful, and free. Reminding ourselves of all the things we are grateful for keeps us attuned to our Best Self and is a wonderful exercise whenever we begin to feel low. Have a gratitude attitude. Keep a gratitude journal.

Next, Bayer suggests we look at our dark side and list our traits that bring us and others down. What are the less-than-ideal behaviors we fall into when we are less than our best—when we are tired or sad, frightened or irritated? I know I’m quicker to anger, more impatient, and can be broody, even while feeling quite self-righteous. We should find a character that we draw and name for this “Anti-Self.” Mine is Chicken Little, who runs around announcing the sky is falling and then hides, all the while grumbling about everyone else.

When you have a good visual of your Anti-Self as well as your Best Self, the next time you are tempted to let your Chicken Little be in charge you (and I) can choose instead to put your Best Self, your version of my Lassie, in charge. The more often you make that decision, the more automatic it will become. And when life shifts, as life tends to do, rethink this exercise so that any new Anti-Self can be quickly recognized and overcome by your always growing Best Self.

In order to function more often from your better side, commit to approaching life with these “tenets of change”:

• Curiosity – keep learning about yourself and our world
• Honesty – doing the right thing, pursuing integrity
• Openness – being teachable, new concepts will lead to more success
• Willingness – put action into your new thinking
• Focus – staying on track, keeping your eye on the prize

Start to recognize what really recharges your energy (or Bayer says, recharges your authenticity battery). What do you do that makes you feel truly alive, or what activity makes you so focused that time flies by? How often do you get to do that?

And finally, how ready for change are you? Bayer cites the Transtheoretical Model which lists stages of change:

• Precontemplation – No intention or sense of need to change current behavior
• Contemplation – Aware that you need change, but no intention yet
• Preparation – Aware you need change, believe capable, intent on taking action
• Action – Actively modifying behavior toward improvement
• Maintenance – Sustaining your changed behavior; new actions replaced the old

Where are you in that list? What can you do to move toward action? Sometimes we need serious consequences or emotional, physical, or spiritual pain to force us into change. A heart attack may finally lead us to eat healthy. A spouse leaving can make us realize we must stop drinking. A failed exam can help us find the motivation to study. It’s much better to change ourselves before we hit such depths, but human nature tends to resist change. That’s sad, because positive change makes us feel so much better about ourselves! Move into the Action phase as quickly as possible and move toward happiness!

Next week we will look at obstacles that get in the way. In the meantime, have a wonderful week!