Grandparenting Challenges

Danger zones lurk for grandparenting today. You might be tempted to think, “Well, if it was good enough for my kids…,” but being willing to make some changes will help your children feel more comfortable about their little ones being with you.

Safety –

• We can all be open to doing things differently, especially if it protects our grandchildren. Accidents happen, but let’s do anything we can to avoid them.
• Babies are never put to bed on their tummies. If you are my age, we worried a baby on his or her back might spit up and choke, but doctors have found simply putting babies to bed on their backs can greatly reduce the chance of a SIDS death.
• Allowing no blankets (or any items) in the crib prevents entanglement or an older baby from being able to step up and fall out. Go ahead and quilt, knit, or crochet a special blanket; they can still be put down for floor time or wrap your precious bundle in your arms. By the time they toddle, they may even have adopted your gift as their security “lovey.”
• Most of the cribs we used for our children are considered unsafe, either from bars being spaced too widely and possibly trapping a baby, or a drop-side failing and causing a fall. Invest in something new.
• Find out if parents expect plates to be emptied at a meal. Some feel it leads to eating issues later.
• Helmets are an expected part of skating, or scooter and bike riding.
• Keep your medications out of sight, out of reach, and preferably locked away.
• Consider what is under your sink or in drawers or cabinets in bathrooms where young children might be left alone while they “try.”
• Mentally review your home. You might want to install baby gates, outlet covers, drawer locks, etc. Your children will appreciate your effort, and you’ll all rest easier during their visits.

Respect –

• Parents are the deciders. Follow their wishes whether it be sugar intake or talking about your religion. If they don’t want you to share your faith, don’t. You can still be prayer warriors for your children and grandchildren.
• Never bad-mouth or even subtly disapprove of your grandchildren’s parents or any relatives. Try not to disparage anyone, for that matter.
• Encourage the children to speak respectfully about and to their elders. Listen to their complaints and then give them more respectful ways to say what they think.
• Think back on things your grandparents said that would make you cringe to hear today. Some of our common phrases might now be seen as disrespectful. Ask your children what you say that they wish you wouldn’t. Even things that are meant innocently such as “Going Dutch,” can cause insult and shouldn’t be perpetuated.
• Grandparenting gives one an opportunity to interact without the challenge of discipline, assuming the parent is present to take that role. However, if you are babysitting, you are the substitute disciplinarian and should not try to be the friend. We aren’t doing the child any favors if we let bad behavior slip by uncorrected. That said, your earlier style of discipline may not be appreciated today. No spanking, even if your children “turned out fine.” Talk to the parents about what discipline measures they prefer, such as time out or lost privileges.
• It isn’t a competition with the other grandparents. Your grandchildren will still love you even if you can’t or choose not to afford to buy as many toys, clothes, or goodies as others do. Toys don’t last, but children will remember the quality time you spent with them. Our children can be easily overwhelmed by “stuff” even if wonderful gifts are so fun to buy! (Yes, I’m guilty here.)

Fairness –

• It isn’t unheard of that grandparents find they have favorite grandchildren. Perhaps they live closer and are seen more often, or their personality better fits with the grandparent’s. But it should never be obvious to the other grandchildren. Treat them all the same, whether with gifts or time and attention.
• Step-grandchildren should be loved and treated equally to those born to the family. It takes a little more work to get to know children who have joined the family by marriage, but they are worth it! Of course, the same goes for adopted grandchildren.
• If one set of grandchildren lives away, work to stay connected. This brings us to a common challenge, especially during COVID when over and over we hear grandparents say they miss their grandchildren’s hugs the most.

Distance –

• Learn to handle whatever way your grandchildren communicate best. Go with their choice. Text if they text. Call them on FaceTime if they have their own phones. Perhaps they prefer audio calls because they aren’t comfortable with seeing themselves onscreen. Have questions ready to ask. Email them a good joke you heard. Share what your day will hold and ask them about theirs. If you need help learning about technology, ask your children or grandchildren to teach you.
• Everyone still loves a personal letter. Write to them. Tell them about how you are filling your time when home, or about your work if you are still employed. But more importantly, ask them about their interests and friends and school.
• Send care packages. If you make the best cookies and they haven’t been able to travel since COVID began, you can be sure they’d love to receive some in the mail. If you send “just because” gifts, be sure to include something for each child.
• Have inexpensive items shipped to them so they know you are thinking about them, perhaps a book in a series they enjoy. Their parents can help with choices.
• Remember their important days: birthdays, recitals, game days, religious milestones, or first dates.
• When it is safe, go visit! Or if travelling is difficult for you, help finance them visiting you.

Communication –

• Encourage your children to be open with you about how you could improve your grandparenting. It might hurt your feelings, and it takes humility to accept that we need to change, but that’s what life is about. We strive to become better people and thus, we grow.

The real question . . . is not where our children are physically, or whom they are with at any given time, but rather where they are existentially, where they stand in terms of their convictions, goals, desires, and dreams. Pope Francis Amoris Laititia, 261

Praying for you this week!

Betty

Grandparenting as Ministry

What if the most important role of your life is still ahead of you? Have you ever considered grandparenting to be a ministry? We can elevate any activity to holiness if we lift it up to God. This idea can be especially true as we raise our grandparenthood from the realm of familial relationship to a service on God’s behalf.

In this society, many people think of their “golden years” as a time to enjoy themselves. Yet, our grandchildren give a sense of meaning to our later years beyond what golfing or travel can offer. The Bible supports this ministry:

He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which He commanded our ancestors to teach their children so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget His deeds but would keep His commands. (Psalm 78:5-7 NIV)

Grandparenting can be a vocation, like being single, married, or religious. A vocation is a call from God. Deuteronomy 4:9 says of the tenets of our faith:

Only be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.

God wants us to share with our grandchildren what is closest to our hearts. Of course, parents are the primary instillers of faith, but the verse above reminds us we are also called! And this “bonus” parenting in our later years can be a gift! We aren’t burdened by the weight of responsibility that parenting entails. We are freer to relax and enjoy! As Proverbs 7 says, “Grandchildren are the crown of the aged.” And Psalm 145:3-4 declares: Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts. We can be that generation that commends God’s works to our grandchildren.

During Catholic weddings, the priest blesses the couple, praying that they may live to see their children’s children. Our goal is to pray for and teach our children, and then their children, so that one day we may be together in heaven. I bet most of us already pray for our children and our grandchildren. I repeatedly ask God to keep them safe. But as I read more about grandparenting as a ministry, I realized I should be praying for more than safety in this life. I should be asking God to guide them, to fill their hearts with a desire to do His will, and to keep them close in relationship with Him. And I should also be praying for wisdom and strength to be the kind of grandparent who will gently help move them closer to Him.

Some parents prefer that the grandparents not share their faith with the children. We must respect their wishes but continue to pray for both the parents and the children that God will draw them close in ways we can’t. And we can live our lives as examples so that we are not a stumbling block to future faith. Though we do not verbally share our faith with the children out of respect for their parents’ wishes, the children are watching our examples. We certainly can and should share our values with them! No parent is going to object to teaching about honesty, integrity, service, etc.

But those of us whose children welcome our faith sharing have many roads open to us!

• Celebrate and hopefully attend the grandchildren’s milestones in faith, such as when they receive sacraments.
• Take them with us when we minister to others, such as in a soup kitchen, or when we drop off groceries at shelters or food closets.
• Read aloud appropriate scripture on Christmas or Easter or give the children their own Bibles or stories of saints.
• Attend church services together and wander through the church afterwards discussing its various areas and altars.
• Tell them stories about your faith life and about their parents as children when they participated in their religious heritage.
• If possible, financially support a week at a religious camp, or a year at Catholic School.
• Or bring all the cousins together at your home for a week of Cousin Camp where you can roast marshmallows, play games, watch movies you choose, or read Bible stories. Memories will last their lifetimes.
• If a week is too long, throw a cousin slumber party for a fun overnight that includes prayers and crafts relating to faith.
• Learn about youth ministry and consider yourself a youth minister to your family. (See The Strategic Grandparent book below.)

All of these ideas involve some planning ahead. To this point perhaps your grandparenting style hasn’t been a conscious decision. Maybe you emulated your grandparents’ approach or wanted to be very different from them. But now, thinking of yourself as a role model in faith or values, it is worth putting some time into planning activities, conversation starters, and purposeful gifts.

Grandparenting as a ministry can grow beyond activities, prayers, and support. It can become a way of life, a reason to improve ourselves so that we lead our grandchildren by example. I want to be the best person God created me to be, so that my grandchildren can look up to me and see someone worth emulating. I bet you do, too.

Personal note: I named this set of emails a few weeks ago, well before I knew that the sweet grandchild born this week would be named Grace! This certainly gives another meaning to Grandparenting with Grace!

Blessings on your week!

A Final Night Shift

A little Easter bonus…

Miriam walked in the dark along paths edged with budding rhododendrons, azaleas, and unspiraling ferns, beneath giant evergreens. She remembered warmly a little boy who had asked her to intercede for his mother as she lay near death after the birth of his tiny sister. Both mother and child had lived, and years later the boy, by then Father Ambrose Mayer, had built this Portland place of peace and refuge, the National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother, as a sign of his gratitude. Arriving at a stone grotto carved into a 100-foot basalt cliffside, she settled onto a kneeler before a white statue replica of Michelangelo’s Pietà that depicted Mary holding the body of her Son after His crucifixion.

Her thoughts focused on the statue and beyond it to her experience of that devastating moment. She ached anew with the anguish of holding her Son’s lifeless adult body upon her lap. But the pain didn’t stand alone, for alongside it was boundless gratitude for the sacrifice her Son had made to redeem all her children.

His was no quick death. He had suffered intensely on that final day: whipping, beating, humiliation, a piercing thorny crown shoved down upon his brow, dragging a heavy beam—not to be honed into something sturdy and functional like He and Joseph had built—but wood of torture and death, and then, oh then—she still could hear the terrible blows—the pounding of spikes to peg His hands and feet to the cross, His groans as the cross was lifted and dropped into its hole, the draining of His strength over three hours while she stayed within His gaze, before His forgiving words, His release of His Spirit, and the final thrust of a spear that confirmed He was dead.

She could feel the tears trailing her cheeks as they had countless times when she commemorated His suffering and death. She remembered following His footsteps on the Way of the Cross, or the Via Dolorosa, in order to ponder the mysteries of His death. She wept for the wounds people today continue to inflict on her Son: the commandments they break, their refusal to center their lives around the One who loves them, their selfishness that hurts the ones around them. She cried for the pain her beloved children experienced at the hands of her other, also-beloved children.

Yet, she forced herself to remember His resurrection! For as surely as He had died, He had also risen.

The dawning sun brightened the sky above the Grotto and drew her gaze heavenward. His resurrection was the culmination of those three agonizing days when her Son was lost to her.

He rose and returned to her!

At this thought, her soul leapt within her and her joy resurged. For as deep as her sorrow had been—and still was when she pondered His suffering—her joy was even greater. He lived! He had conquered not only death, but sin and evil. That was the purpose behind His suffering, and what a joyous gift it was to all who welcomed it, who welcomed Him into their hearts. The thought reminded Miriam of her countless children who do strive to follow God’s path.

Exultation encompassed Miriam, and she lifted her love to her God and thanked Him with her whole being. God—Father, Son, and Spirit—God was infinitely good. God was all Love, and she was entirely His. All her children were God’s, and she would work tirelessly for them to realize that, so they could share in her Joy.

A young priest passed behind Miriam on his way to celebrate the first Mass of the day. He had been struggling with depression and loneliness and had knelt a few feet behind the praying woman to ask God to give him strength.

He watched Miriam raise her arms and listened while she sang with great elation:

My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God, my Savior…

for He has looked with favor on His humble servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed,

the Almighty has done great things for me,

and holy is His Name.

He has mercy on those who fear Him

in every generation.

He has shown the strength of His arm,

He has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,

and has lifted up the humble.

He has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich He has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of his servant Israel

for He has remembered his promise of mercy,

the promise He made to our fathers,

to Abraham and his children forever.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever.

Amen. Alleluia!

The sun crested the grotto edge, temporarily blinding the young priest. When he shaded his eyes with his hand, the woman was gone.

Yet, such ecstasy had risen in him as he overheard her words that simply recalling the experience overcame any emergence of darkness in his mood for all his remaining years of life.