Grief and Depression

Today is a gloomy day and the weather seems fitting to focus on subjects as difficult as Grief and Depression. But grief is part of life, and depression is widespread and dangerous, and anything we can do to fight it, we should do. Maybe some of you are here because you love someone who is depressed, and you want to know how to help them. Maybe some of you have admitted to yourselves that you are depressed, and somehow found the energy to come, hoping for help. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask who’s who.

Depression has hit my family in the past. Some family members were adults. Some were children. I know how exhausting and difficult it can be to live with someone who is depressed. It might be part of why, as an adult, I went back to school to study counseling. Just a disclaimer, I’m not a professional therapist, and I can’t speak to you as well as someone who has years of counseling experience and a doctorate degree. But I can talk to you from my own experience, from the study I have done, and from a spiritual perspective.

Grief

Let’s start by talking about grief, a sense of sadness brought about from loss. We don’t reach our age without experiencing grief. As seniors, it is to be expected that we suffer losses.

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose our youth, our strength, maybe our good looks, 😉but more importantly, our dear friends, and perhaps our spouses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair.

We may downsize our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked and lived independently until she was 88, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought only two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace and without complaint.

Our society tends to discount us, rather than to value our experience and wisdom. If we’ve retired, we’ve lost some of our identity that we associated with our work. Perhaps we feel we’ve lost meaning.

We haven’t, of course. We gain our worth and our meaning and our identity from our God and our relationships. But we have experienced loss and therefore, grief. Grief is normal. It shows we’ve loved deeply and lived richly. It is part of living. Not a part we seek out, or want to experience, but a part of life.

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

Viorst writes,

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up, and giving up, and giving up, some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

Here are a few times in our lives when we had to let go, followed by what we gained by doing so:

Childhood’s End –

We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions.

The Married State –

We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go –

In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth –

Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or whom we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones –

Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality –

By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

So, there we have it. Times in our lives will hurt us. But because of that hurt we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Like my Grandma used to say as she rocked me, “This too shall pass.”

We might regain what we lost, but more likely we will grieve and hurt and then learn something along the way. We will deepen our character. The more we grow, the greater our peace and happiness can be in this life, as well as in the next.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart, to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

• Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
• Life is never the same after a loved one dies, or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
• God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
• Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, when we grieve, we should:

• Spend time in nature and prayer.
• Gather with those who are supportive.
• Share a meal with loved ones.
• Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
• Go out and serve others.

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through difficult circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our current limitations only allow us to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Necessary Losses teaches us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Of course, aging isn’t all loss and sadness. We are still learning and growing, even in our old age. Erik Erikson, in his stages of psychological development, talks about the conflicts of being this age….

What he calls Middle-aged adults, 40 to 65 years old, struggle with the conflict between Generativity vs. Stagnation. We can focus on contributing to society and guiding the next generation, or we may feel stagnant and unproductive.

Generativity involves a desire to leave a lasting legacy, guide the next generation, and contribute to society through meaningful work, mentoring, or raising children. Individuals experiencing generativity feel useful, productive, and have a sense of accomplishment in their lives. 

Stagnation, on the other hand, involves feeling unproductive, uninvolved, and disconnected from the world. Individuals experiencing stagnation may lack a sense of purpose and feel that their work or life has little impact. 

Erikson continues to talk about older adults, aged 65 and over, and how we reflect on our lives and develop a sense of integrity, wholeness and acceptance, or experience despair and regret if we are dissatisfied with our accomplishments.

Again, key aspects of this stage include:

• Reflection and Acceptance: Individuals at this stage look back on their lives and consider their accomplishments, relationships, and overall experiences. 
• Sense of Integrity: Those who feel a sense of fulfillment and pride in their lives develop ego integrity, a feeling of wholeness and acceptance of their past. 

But, if individuals feel they haven’t lived a fulfilling life or have significant regrets, they may experience despair, bitterness, and a fear of death. 

Successfully navigating this stage leads to the virtue of wisdom, a sense of completeness and understanding of life’s journey leading to a peaceful acceptance of aging and death. 

Matthew Kelly, with Allen Hunt, also talks about the importance of the last quarter of our life in their book, The Fourth Quarter of Your Life. (Which he counts as living beyond 60…) They write:

“The unavoidable truth is we are going to die. Most of us are in the last quarter of our lives. To have no regrets when death comes, use your thoughts, words, choices, and actions, to close the gap between who you are today and who you are capable of being. This is the path that leads to a deeply fulfilling fourth quarter. The shortness of life is an invitation to grasp every moment and experience it fully.

Let the young have their physical beauty. Elevate your pursuits to wisdom and soul beauty. Fill your days with wisdom, live that wisdom by aging gracefully, share that wisdom with the people who cross your path, and the beauty of your soul will shine for all to see.”

They list 5 signs of a successful 4^th quarter:

• Physically active lifestyle
• Mental stimulation
• Social engagement
• Meaning and Purpose
• Spiritual vitality

And they offer 5 keys to living and dying with no regrets:

1. Say yes to God: God invites you on a wonderful journey. When you say yes to God’s invitation, you know where you’re going.
2. Focus on a Fourth Quarter Virtue: Pursue one particular virtue that God has specifically placed in you. Then watch it blossom in all areas of your life.
3. Give. It. Away: The more you give things and yourself away, the happier you’ll be.
4. Be Open to Life: Your 4^th quarter can be more of a birthing than a dying. Be open to what can be.
5. Forgive. Often: Bitter and resentful is no way to live. And it’s definitely no way to die.

A separate word about forgiving comes from a book called Healing the Eight Stages of Life. We’ve heard about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, but the authors believe they apply to forgiveness, too.

A person usually goes through the five stages in dying, or in unconditionally forgiving any hurt.

• The first stage is denial, when we pretend it didn’t happen.
• The second stage is anger, when we blame the person out there.
• The third stage is bargaining, when we say, “I’ll forgive, only if…”
• The fourth stage is depression when we blame ourselves.
• And the fifth stage is acceptance, when we can be grateful not for the evil, but for how it has gifted us in many ways, especially in even being able to reach out to the person who hurt us.

The authors saw better results in a person moving through the stages if they had a significant person with whom they could share their feelings and be loved. In prayer, if we share these stages with Jesus and allow him to be a significant person for us, we’ll move automatically through the five stages.

Pope Francis, in a pamphlet called The Gifts of Aging, says the older generation can be:

• A bridge of wisdom for the younger generations.
• The roots of a tree that allow the young to flower and fruit.
• The source of our families’ culture and wisdom.
• A source of tenderness, especially to our children and grandchildren.
• A teacher of attentiveness to those in greatest need.
• A sharer of dreams to pass on to youth.
• An example of gratitude.
• A reminder to the next generation of what is most important.

Pope Francis adds:

• We keep memory alive to share with our young.
• We see history with clarity and pass it on.
• Our new vocation is to preserve our roots, pass on faith to the young, and care for little ones.
• Most importantly, we are prayer warriors for our families and communities.

Ok, that was a lot about grief, followed by the positive side of this time of life. How is grief different than depression?

Grief and depression can share some overlapping symptoms, such as sadness and loss of interest, but they are distinct experiences. Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and other symptoms. Grief typically comes in waves and may be interspersed with positive memories, whereas depression tends to be more constant and debilitating. Furthermore, grief often involves a sense of loss and uncertainty, while depression can involve low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. 

• Grief is a normal response to loss, while depression is a psychological disorder. 
• Grief is a process that can fluctuate over time, while depression tends to be more persistent. 
• Grief may be intense but can be interspersed with periods of normalcy, while depression is more pervasive and debilitating. 
• Grief often preserves self-esteem, while depression is often associated with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. 
• Grief is centered on the loss and the relationship with the deceased, while depression is more personal and can involve a wide range of negative thoughts and feelings. 

• Depression can sometimes be a complication of grief, especially if the grieving process is prolonged or complicated. 
• If either grief or depression symptoms persist or significantly interfere with daily life, seeking professional help may be necessary. 

Again, if we accept that aging brings loss and loss brings grief, grief is a normal part of our experience.

Depression is not. Depression isn’t normal or healthy or something just to accept. Depression is abnormal. It is destructive and unnecessary and something to be fought against and worked through, not just for ourselves, but for our loved ones. Depression affects everyone who cares for the sufferer. (Read 2x)

What is depression?

Depression is a common mental disorder characterized by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, and other symptoms that can affect daily life. It’s more than just feeling sad; it’s a serious condition that can impact a person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and overall well-being. Depression is treatable, and a combination of therapy and medication can help individuals recover.

Researchers have discovered a link between depression and other serious illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer, thyroid disease, and Parkinson’s disease. A complete physical and lab work may be an essential part of the diagnostic assessment for clinical depression

Let’s talk first about the most commonly experienced type of depression that I’m going to call overt depression.

Some of the most common signs and symptoms of overt depression are:

• Feelings of sadness, guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Irritability or restlessness
• Loss of interest in or enjoyment of activities or relationships previously enjoyed

• Change in appetite, often resulting in over- or under-eating
• Low energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• And sadly, Thoughts of suicide

What does it look like? Different people express their depression in different ways.

• Sadness
• Anger
• Lack of emotion
• Lack of energy
• Hopelessness even to the point of suicidal ideation

What causes it?

• Brain chemical imbalance which can be brought on by…
• Prolonged stress
• Catastrophic events
• Some medical conditions
• Sleep disorders
• Genetic predisposition

Those are the typical descriptions of overt depression.

But some depression, in fact in men, possibly most depression, can be covert. Instead of observing the person’s sadness, we may instead see anger, or violence, or addiction. In our society, men are often raised to separate themselves from what might be considered “feminine” behaviors or feelings.

A book called, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by family counselor Terrence Real, talks about men and how being raised in our society can damage men from the time they are little boys. They are supposed to distance themselves from their mothers, who have been their source of love and safety until they are three or four. Then, suddenly, they’re made to feel weak if they want to be with them or if they look for their mom’s attention. Their dads, if they are around, may try to teach them they’re supposed to be tough and strong and not have feelings.

Boys are discouraged from expressing their pain. They are supposed to endure it, or ignore it. And they are supposed to be strong enough to deal with troubles on their own, without help. At least, those are the messages many boys take in. They aren’t encouraged or shown how to express or discuss feelings like shame. So, they bury it. Or they compensate for it with aggression or addiction. And even more sadly, they often pass on their depression to their sons.

Unfortunately, according to this book, young men might succeed at stuffing feelings down until they don’t even know they’re there. Then they become adults, and two things happen. On the one hand, women suddenly want them to be in touch with feelings that they’ve disowned for twenty some years. On the other, the only feeling some seem to be able to pull out in times of stress is anger. It’s as if they traded all the range of emotions—from tenderness and love to frustration and fear. They traded them all away and are only left with anger.

Depression in men often goes unrecognized because they don’t demonstrate the obvious deep sadness that overt depression expresses. Covert depression can be well hidden for years, but at a cost. A man who has experienced his own father’s depression can grow up with a sense of shame that he works valiantly to hide. He can’t face the pain of a traumatic or neglected childhood, so he masks it.

Unfortunately, often that shame is covered up by means of self-medicating, like through alcohol or drugs. He uses a substance or an experience to numb the pain. He might use a different addiction, like sex or violence, work or food, or lose himself in TV or video games. These crutches keep him from feeling, but they also keep him from loving and from intimacy. If they lose their crutch of choice, say they work to become sober, without the addiction crutch they begin to feel the pain of their past, and usually they’ll find another way to avoid the pain. Such men need a dual diagnosis of addiction and depression. They need to end the addiction before they can work on the depression, and ending the addiction takes away the defenses that kept the pain at bay.

Men who don’t know how to deal with the trauma of a childhood of neglect or violence, often compensate, or over-compensate, for the shame they can’t let themselves feel, by finding a way to become grandiose. They’ll become overachievers, or bullies, or find ways to prove themselves better than others, but are unable to connect to people who love them, or even to connect to their inner selves.

So, what’s the answer for them? Terrance Real, believes that the way out of depression is through grief. They may have to feel the pain and confront it and begin to process their painful experiences in order to heal. They’ll need a professional to help them through the process.

There are, however, things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who are suffering from depression.

With either covert or overt depression, Self-help strategies for fighting depression for sufferers and loved ones include:

Physical strategies

             Exercise – movement raises our endorphins.

             Time Outdoors in fresh air

Diet – healthier eating

             More regular sleep schedules can help

Social strategies

• Social support of family and friends or a trusted minister –
• People who are depressed or grieving need someone who they can talk to who isn’t judgmental, who they feel safe with. It might help to have someone to exercise with so that they are accountable, making it harder to skip. At one point, my daughter and I set aside a time each evening for us to walk and let her talk about her sadness. She knew she would be heard and could wait until then. I think it put parameters around her feelings.
• (If you don’t feel like you have social support, maybe attend the Senior Luncheon – there’s nice people and good food!)

Spiritual strategies include

             Meditation, prayer, calming exercises

             Plus, we all need to foster a “Gratitude Attitude” and count our blessings.

It sounds simple, right? Just exercise more, get outdoors, eat well, sleep well, find friends to talk to, pray more, concentrate on feeling grateful. We know all these things will definitely be helpful, but….

             Sadly, Depression steals away our energy and self-discipline and makes it very difficult for a sufferer to force him or herself to take advantage of these self-help strategies.

If it were just up to the sufferers, and if they were just trying to benefit themselves, depression’s lack of energy might make it seem nearly impossible. But if the person can realize that their efforts benefit their families and their loved ones, they might find the determination to become superheroes and step up to the challenge. What they can’t do for themselves, they may be able to do for their loved ones, for the next generation, or for their God. Even the sufferers whose depression is rooted in their childhood, can break the chain so that they don’t pass it on to their children or grandchildren.

If the depressed person has tried self-help strategies and hasn’t been able to keep them up, or if they haven’t helped, it’s time for professional help. Maybe you’ve nagged and encouraged and cajoled someone who is depressed to no avail.

Or maybe that loved one has had thoughts or signs of self-harm, then it is definitely time for professional help.

You need professional help when

• A severely depressed person has progressed to the point of being suicidal. If you or your loved one is having thoughts of self harm. If you imagine yourself stepping out into traffic..
• if they talk about the world being better off without them,
• if they begin to give away their prized possessions,
• or talk about death…

…it is critical that they get professional help. Suicide is an all-too-common risk of depression. Thoughts of self-harm, especially if the person begins forming a plan, are an emergency and the person should be taken to a hospital.

But here’s the good news, depression is very treatable! Professional strategies will include talk therapy , such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where a therapist will help you explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They’ll encourage you to challenge the validity of your thoughts, overcoming negative thinking and facing your fears. Does everyone really dislike you? Are you really bad at everything? Are you really worthless? Helpless? Hopeless? Then new thoughts can bring about new feelings and behavior.

Professional strategies may possibly include medication. There are many antidepressants today, and even if the first one tried doesn’t work, or has unpleasant side effects, there are many more options. (One of my family members needed to try two. One tried 12, but the 12^th worked wonders!)

There should be no shame in getting the treatment that our bodies need. We wouldn’t refuse insulin if we were diabetic. Medication, combined with professional therapy, can make a huge difference and can release people from the prison of their sadness, helping them to become the best version of themselves.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has helped. I hope you persevere until you find help.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deathor mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Rev 21:4

Resources

• Hotline (911 or 988) https://988lifeline.org/  suicide and crisis hotline

• Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families  https://adultchildren.org/
• https://al-anon.org  For families and friends of alcoholics
• https://www.oregon.gov/oha/HSD/AMH/Pages/Mental-Health.aspx  (Oregon gov site)
• www.mentalhealthcenters.net  Oregon  – Mental Health Services – Mental Health Centers
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Oregon namior.org   For support, contact 503-230-8009 or namioregon@namior.org.
• Hospitals
• Ministers

Medicare covers many mental health services to support you, including depression screenings, individual and group therapy, and family counseling. You may be able to get mental health counseling and treatment, including addiction recovery, from home via telehealth.

Books I referred to:

Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart by Marilyn Willett Heavilin

What Pope Francis Says About the Gifts of Aging: 30 Days of Reflections and Prayers, pamphlet by Deborah McCann

The Fourth Quarter of Your Life, by Matthew Kelly and Allen Hunt

Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst

I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by Terrence Real

Healing the Eight Stages of Life, by Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks, by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD

Slowing Down 7 – Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter!

We arrive again at our Good Friday, when we contemplate Our Lord being tortured and giving up His life for our salvation.

We’ve talked about slowing down in order to live more mindfully, more conscientiously. By doing so, we can live more spiritually. Isn’t that the true goal of our lives, to be in relationship with our God: Father, Son, and Spirit?

I think about the followers of Jesus, and how they must have despaired to see their Hope die on a cross and be entombed. What is left when even Hope is gone? On that Friday, they must have been devastated and in shock, feeling so very confused.

Then Holy Saturday followed. The numbness subsided and the pain ached, both real and unrelenting. No doubt they felt abandoned and maybe even angry. They’d changed their lives for a dream that now seemed destroyed.

Have you been there? Have you received devastating news? Have you heard a frightening diagnosis, or learned of the death of a loved one, or realized your child was lost, either literally or spiritually? You’ve known your own suffering and death of that dark Friday. You’ve awakened the next day, your Holy Saturday, only to realize anew what you’ve lost. And maybe your Holy Saturday goes on and on for days or months or years.

Yet, we have a gift that the disciples didn’t on Holy Saturday. We know about Easter Sunday. We know there is hope ahead, and that evil and death have been conquered. We will all have our Holy Saturdays that feel like waiting in Limbo, but we are an Easter people. We strive to live mindfully and conscientiously and spiritually. We have faith and hope and love. We know our Easter will come. The resurrection will be ours, too.

Easter is coming! Rejoice!

Thank you for reading these Lenten posts. I hope at least one line has touched your soul.

One last bonus section for your consideration, or maybe amusement: 20 Ideas for Slowing Down Your Overall Pace of Life, from The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, by John Mark Comer:

1. Drive the speed limit.
2. Get into the slow lane. Pray while you drive.
3. Come to a full stop at stop signs.
4. Don’t text and drive.
5. Show up 10 minutes early for an appointment and don’t use your phone.
6. Get into the longest checkout line at the grocery store. (Wise to regularly deny ourselves what we want. We don’t have to get our way to be happy.)
7. Turn your smartphone into a dumb phone. Take email off your phone. Take all social media off your phone. Use your computer and only check at scheduled times. Disable your web browser. Delete all notifications, including those for texts. Ditch news apps or alerts. Delete every app you don’t need or doesn’t make your life easier. Set your phone to grayscale mode for less stimulation.
8. Get a flip phone or ditch your cell phone all together.
9. Parent your phone; put it to bed before you and make it sleep in.
10. Keep your phone off until after your morning quiet time.
11. Set times to check and respond to email.
12. Set a time and a limit for social media (or just get off it.)
13. Kill your TV. Every single thing that we let into our minds will have an effect on our souls.
14. Single task. Be fully present to the moment: to God, other people, work in the world, and your own soul. That’s more than enough to consume your attention.
15. Walk slower.
16. Regularly take a day alone for silence and solitude.
17. Take up journaling. (Or vlog or voice note journal.) The point is to slow down enough to observe your life from the outside.
18. Experiment with mindfulness and meditation.
19. If you can, take long vacations. A study shows it takes 8 days for happiness levels to peak. (The Torah had 3 feasts a year, and were 8 days long, including two Sabbaths.)
20. Cook your own food. And eat in. The anchor point for a family’s life can be the table.

Slowing Down 2 – Margins, Interruptions

Did you make any progress on being less busy this week? Don’t lose heart; it’s a process. Slowing down to the speed of joy isn’t just about shortening your to-do list. It’s about finding the right speed for each activity, so that you can maintain a sense of calm joy. For instance, Mary traveled “in haste” to help her cousin Elizabeth. You would move “in haste” to keep your toddler safe from danger. Sometimes the right speed is haste. Sometimes, it is a full stop. We stop our busyness to pray, to honor the Sabbath, or to focus on a loved one who needs us to listen.

Sometimes the right speed is slow. Power walks have their place, but a stroll can allow you to appreciate God’s gifts of nature. You have time to hear the birds, smell the aroma of daffodils as you pass them, or really listen to a neighbor or walking partner.

Matthew Kelly says, “The distinction between intense activity and mere busyness is this: When we are living at the speed of joy we can fully engage in demanding tasks while preserving inner calm and growing more aware of the needs of others.   … The speed of joy is wise and adaptable. It mindfully selects the speed most appropriate for the task at hand. The speed of joy is the ideal speed for each activity. … The speed of joy is about giving each task the time it needs to be done with excellence and joy.”

Sometimes the right speed is to pause, especially when we are interrupted. If we just react to the interruption, we might not respond in a helpful or gracious way. If we pause and take time to consider what the interrupter needs, we can decide on if, how, or when it would be best to help. We choose our response, rather than reacting without thinking.

Kelly writes, “We are trying to learn how to manage interruptions virtuously. Stay calm and composed. Take a deep breath before reacting and give yourself a chance to respond. Set boundaries. Prioritize interruptions. Give the person your full attention for a moment so you can assess the urgency of the interruption. Ask yourself: What is the need? Where is the pain? … If you are not going to attend to it now, politely let the person know you will attend to it later. Provide a specific timeframe if that is possible.”

He continues, “Jesus made interruptions beautiful. He welcomed them. His unhurried approach to life predisposed him to handling interruptions with compassion and kindness. … Jesus’ whole public life was made up of interruptions. The only role that comes close in our society is that of a mother. What looks like an interruption to others, she just sees as part of her day. (…) Jesus loved interruptions. Why? He didn’t see them as interruptions at all. He saw them as people.”

Another help as we try to find the speed of joy is to plan margin into our schedules. Rather than pack in as many activities as possible, we should realize that the unexpected is inevitable. Allow yourself a little extra time to handle surprises, a little extra energy to be ready to help, or a little extra money for the unexpected situations that can ruin a tight budget. We’ll find ourselves less stressed as the unexpected happens, because we know we allowed for it. We’ll be more generous when others need us.

Again, Kelly writes, “Margin is simply a matter of knowing our limits and making decisions with our limits in mind. We need to learn to build margin into our schedules and our budgets to maintain a healthy gap between our load and our limits. Living within your limits decreases stress and anxiety, and living within your limits instantly increases your joy.”

Jesus was never in a hurry. He took His time when he heard Lazarus was sick and even arrived after he died. He didn’t rush the woman who wept and washed His feet. He spent time alone in prayer, going off into the wilderness to protect His serenity. He spent three years teaching His disciples, and His patience with them must have been tested over and over. (As is His patience with us, I suspect.) And He spent three hours of agony in the garden before He was arrested. But that time must have been what He needed, because He went to His death demonstrating a spirit of acceptance.

I have a quote I need frequently:

“When you feel the absolute calm has been broken—away with Me until your heart sings, and all is strong and calm.” (Taken from God Calling, meditation for February 21st)

Take a little extra time “away” with God. Ask Him to help you find the perfect speed for each activity, the speed of joy.

Blessings on your Lent! Have happy St. Patrick’s and St. Joseph’s Days next week!

Betty

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:
   Hope and a Future (Marriage)
   Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
   When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
   Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
   Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
   Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)
   He Saw Jesus (People are the body of Christ.)

Quotes from: Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy: The Simple Art of Taking Back Your Life, by Matthew Kelly.

Slowing Down

Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy 1                                    

Welcome to, or welcome back to, my weekly Lenten posts called “4 Minutes 4 Growth.” This year’s topic is slowing down to the speed that allows us to flourish, rather than merely survive. We will consider a different aspect of the challenge each Friday in Lent from Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy: The Simple Art of Taking Back Your Life, by Matthew Kelly.

We are probably all too busy. And aren’t we a little proud of that? Our society seems to see busyness as a virtue. It makes us feel important and gives meaning to our lives. Or does it? Our lives have meaning because we are children of God, not because of what we do. Our lives also derive meaning from how we help and love others. So, the use of our time is more important than how urgent, hurried, or busy we are.

Are we flourishing? Like the Kaiser Permanente commercials ask, do we thrive? Kelly writes that we have become too busy when we are focused on urgent tasks that might not be important, rather than the important tasks God wants us to accomplish. God wants us to love unconditionally: our husbands, our children, strangers, Him, and even ourselves. But being too busy can get in the way of that.

If we are too busy, we’ll miss that our quiet child is even more quiet than usual, or that our talkative child is saying something very important. We won’t notice that our husband is feeling left out and unappreciated, or that our friend’s voice on the phone sounds strained. We need down time, not busy time, to sit with a child who needs to talk or cry, to find out why one of the children seems angry all the time lately, or even to notice that the pain in our stomach has lasted too long to ignore.

Matthew Kelly writes, “Love says, ‘I see you. I hear you. I am with you. I care. Rest a while. You are safe here with me. You are worthy. This cannot be rushed.‘ (…) Someone you love has unmet and unspoken needs. But it is impossible to notice these things when our lives are moving too quickly, so people have to scream to get our attention. What will it take to get our attention?’”

Researchers ask people every year, “What one word would you use to describe how you feel on a daily basis?” Overwhelmed is now the most common answer.

“It’s not just that we are busy, but that we are busy with the wrong things. Busy leads to overwhelmed, overwhelmed leads to weary, weary leads to discouraged, and discouragement leads us to feel resentful and inadequate. Anyone or anything that makes you feel that way is too small for you.”

The truth is, you are already at war with busy, you have been at war with busy for a long time, and busy is opposed to almost everything you value most.”

Peter Kreeft, of Boston College, says, “To win any war, the three most necessary things to know are:

• That you are at war
• Who your enemy is, and
• What weapons or strategies can defeat that enemy.”

“The will to fight comes from being clear about what’s at stake. Busy is an enemy to your physical health, personal finances, marriage, parenting, career, spirituality, peace of mind, mental health, and so much more. And busy cannot be reasoned with. It will destroy you unless you actively subdue it in your life.”

Betty here. We are at war. The enemy is being so busy that we can’t flourish. Let’s figure out what strategies will help us be the best version of ourselves. This week let’s think about how busy we are and how busy we want to be. Let’s use some of our Sabbath time this Sunday to ponder what we can do to slow down to a healthier level.

May God bless your week.
Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

A Slower Advent

Happy Advent!

I usually only post during Lent and about my books, but I wanted to share a talk my daughter Jennifer Friend gave at a ladies’ luncheon at church:

Good morning, everyone,

We have all just heard a bunch of wonderful and beautiful ideas for how to celebrate Advent with your families, and I know I could call on just about anyone in the room to come up and tell us even more ideas we haven’t heard yet…

But this is a busy time of year for moms… in many families it is often the mom making the magic happen for her family in December. It is a joy and a privilege to do so, but it can also be exhausting!

I want to give you permission to do something quite radical this year…

I want to give you permission to do… less.

Jesus will still be born at Christmas if all you do this year is a really intentional Advent Wreath tradition.

Jesus will still be born at Christmas even if all you do this year is a faithful observance of the various saint feast days in December. Or if you just pull out a book to read each day instead of individually gift-wrapping 24 books to open and read throughout Advent!

Jesus will still be born at Christmas even if all you do is a really great Jesse tree. And really, Jesus will still be born at Christmas even if you can only manage a mediocre Jesse tree! If something is truly worth doing, it’s even worth doing badly!

Maybe you have a new baby! Or perhaps you lost a loved one this year! Or someone is searching for a job! Or you are a grandma for the first time this year!

Emmanuel…     God with us…   Emmanuel is not diminished by the season of life we are in!

A couple of years ago we pulled out our Advent tub and tried to do it all. Each kid chose a different Jesse tree, we had a new Advent Wreath program for readings, various grandmas sent us new Advent calendars, we had fancy paper ornaments for each saint feast day to print out and color and then cut out and assemble, not to mention more secular traditions for December! We would get up each Advent day and go through each Jesse tree, one kid putting up a sticker, another a magnet, another something on the fridge, another hanging up a tiny book, and none of the readings lined up with each other, then we had to update each Advent calendar, and we were too busy to enjoy the coloring of the saint ornaments, and too tired to assemble them, and then we had to get ready to head to the next December event for the day!

It was tiring, and I was probably not the most patient mother that year.

This year, dare to be different. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL! If your little ones are still young, and you have ideas for 10 different traditions you have heard this morning, you DO NOT need to start every single new tradition this year! Try ONE! Write the rest of the ideas down on a piece of paper and tape it to your Christmas or Advent tub to look at next year!

If you are a grandma, you don’t have to think of every tradition you’d like your grandkids to grow up with. Don’t pressure your adult children to continue every tradition they grew up with. Let them try to do less this year, if they need to. Let them establish their own traditions. It doesn’t mean that they don’t treasure the childhood traditions you chose for them growing up!

If your kids are somewhere in between… not tiny, but not yet grown… get them involved! Ask them to help you choose which 1 or 2 Advent traditions they would like to try this year! What a healthy life skill to be instilling now!

Saying no to something good this year doesn’t mean you are saying no to it forever! You can take a break for a year and decide again what to try next year!

I am going to borrow some wisdom from Sarah Mackenzie and encourage you to keep in mind three beautiful missions this year. They are true for a healthy homeschool, and I think they apply beautifully to any family and any liturgical season…

1 – DO LESS,

2 – AS CONSISTENTLY AS YOU ARE ABLE, and

3 – PUT RELATIONSHIPS FIRST.

That’s all. Consider these three as you make decisions about how to celebrate Advent with your family this year. Do less, as consistently as you can manage in the season of life that you are in and be sure to keep relationships on the front burner, not the back burner. Relationships not only with your family and friends, but also with the God who so desperately desires you to slow down enough to see Him.

Give your family the gift of a Mama that isn’t staying up until midnight or beyond stressing over the next day. Give your family the gift of a more rested woman who chose to focus her energy on doing one or two things well, rather than trying to do it all and having no patience left for the people she loves. If you’re married, give your spouse the gift of a wife who isn’t 110% focused on the kids at this time of year. Find ways to make it a little easier on yourself, so that you too get to enjoy the ‘waiting in hope’. So that you get to enjoy the season as well, and that you will have room at the inn of your heart for Jesus to be born this Christmas.

The Advent that your family experiences this year will be greatly enriched if they get to see you slow down and cherish this beautiful season for yourself. Do less, as consistently as you are able, and put relationships first.

See Jesus through Suffering to Joy

Imagine yourself as Jesus, sitting side-by-side with your best friends on Holy Thursday. You’ve just instituted the Eucharist as a way to stay with your friends, knowing that you’ll be physically leaving them later tonight. You’ve taken them away to pray, and you plead for strength to get through what lies ahead. You pray for your followers, the men and women whom you’ve been preparing for three years. You pray, desperately wanting to find another way, any other way, but already it has begun, and you bow to your Father’s will. One of your chosen twelve has betrayed you and led the Romans to your arrest. The soldiers come to take you to your judgment and your death. Your followers have scattered, none remaining at your side. You are stripped, beaten, scourged, and perhaps even worse, you’ve heard your Peter, your rock, deny you.

Dragging a heavy, rough-hewn cross along your final sorrowful way, on a shoulder still raw from the whip, you see the pain in the eyes of the women. You see your mother and are pierced by the same grief that pierces her heart. You are nailed to the cross, your hands and feet bearing the weight of your body on the excruciating pain of the nails. You struggle to breathe, knowing you are counting your last gasps. But you summon breath to give your mother to John and by so doing, make her mother to the world. And then you forgive the people who’ve inflicted the pain that is unbearable, so unbearable that you die.

If imagining yourself as Jesus suffering has moved your emotions, you have just seen Jesus.

Now imagine yourself, one of His followers, at the foot of the cross. You look up at Him, the One you hoped would ease your pain. And instead, He has just exhaled His last breath. Are you next to die?

Fear. Doubt. Grief. If you have known any of those emotions, any of this pain in your life, you have been at the foot of the cross and you have seen Jesus through suffering. More importantly, He has seen you. He knew then, and He knows now the pain in your heart. Whether it is emotional pain from abuse, betrayal, abandonment, guilt, or the physical pain of a broken body as yet unhealed, He saw you from the cross. He sees you now. And He knows that in long nights of anguish, or brief glimpses of His nearness, you have reached out to Him. You have found Him through pain. Perhaps seeing you, as you looked with faith to Him, eased some of His pain.

We are truly blessed to live many years after that crucifixion night. We know the hope of the resurrection—both Jesus’ resurrection and our own still to come. In that hope, we see Jesus, and not only see Him, but we are invited to live beyond the pain, to live with Him forever. Through Easter, we will see Him in joy! He sends us experiences of Joy to keep us filled with hope.

Perhaps we experience His touch of joy in nature:

• Something about green trees, untamed animals, water on the move, snowy mountains, or a star-teemed sky can make our hearts surge with thanksgiving to the Creator.
• Leaving routine behind as we travel into the wilderness holds restoration for the weary. Jesus exemplified this by going away to pray. He calls us to retreat to the desert, as well as to mountaintop experiences.
• “Beside still waters he refreshes my soul.” Psalm 23

We might experience Jesus’ joy through children:

• Holding a tiny baby and seeing one of her first smiles delights us. The miracle that we behold, as we snuggle a newborn, is a taste of the miracle of taking Jesus into our arms and loving Him with awe and thanksgiving.
• Watching a child discover new experiences refreshes our own outlook.
• Having a little one come running for comfort and being calmed with a hug or soothed on our lap lifts our hearts.
• Rocking a child to sleep brings peace to our hearts.
• Seeing a teen discover pride in a job well done we share their joy.
• Giving a daughter away to a well-chosen groom gives us hope for the future.
• Holding a new grandchild, we remember holding the parent. Such happiness!

We can find Jesus’ joy through helping others.

• There’s an old Chinese proverb, “If you want happiness for an hour—take a nap. If you want happiness for a day—go fishing. If you want happiness for a year—inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime—help someone else.”
• “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” Making the world a better place for others is one beautiful path to joy. Joy comes from using our gifts for others. — Frederick Buechner
• “Whoever is happy will make others happy.” ―Anne Frank
• “Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.” ―Martin Luther King, Jr.

Another route to joy is through gratitude. Appreciating what we have focuses us on how blessed we already are.

• “If you want to find happiness, find gratitude.” ―Steve Maraboli
• “It is not joy that makes us grateful, it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” David Steindl-Rast

But perhaps the Easter message sums up all joy as the result of Love.

• “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in His love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15

Thank you for reading these Lenten posts. I pray they have helped you. May your Easter bring you joy and help you to see Jesus!

See Jesus through Forgiveness

Our story continues with Frank telling us about his young wife leaving, soon after her baby was born.

Long before I became a priest, I was a husband and a father. I remember the rush of emotions the first time I took my son into my arms. He was so tiny, so perfect. I wanted to protect him from all harm and difficulty. I wanted to always be able to surround him in an embrace and hold him close. What a miracle a child is!

Of course, parenting isn’t easy in the best of circumstances, but within a couple months of his birth, his mother Marcie had left us, called away to save the world, she thought.

I was angry—really, really angry. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like she had used me. I was just someone to leave Baby Daniel with, so she could be free of responsibility. I have to admit I was furious with God, too. Why did He let this happen? Why did He let me love her so deeply and then lose her? I had been torn between being a family man and being a priest, and it seemed Marcie had made the decision for me. Plus, I was exhausted. I tried to do all that our son needed, but with my sleep interrupted for feedings, my worry about finances, and sheer emotional devastation, I was a mess. Looking back now, I thank God that my parents were there to help me those first few months.

I never resented Daniel. That sweet little boy was the bright spot in a dark time. However, each time he cried, I thought of Marcie and grew angrier that she wasn’t here to help us. Eventually, I realized I couldn’t hold on to my anger and be a good father. Daniel would feel the tension in my arms and cry harder or see my scowl and frown in response. When I realized my hurt ran too deep to easily forgive Marcie, I began to pray, both for assistance to forgive, and for her wellbeing. Also, holding him, watching him stare at me as he drank a bottle, and eventually seeing him smile at me helped to heal the wound in my soul. Around nine months after she left, I could think about her without seething. As I watched Daniel try to toddle on his own, I imagined my “forgiveness muscles” also toddling and growing stronger.

Just when I thought I was gaining my equilibrium, my mom and dad were killed in a car accident. I could have slipped back into despair and anger with God, but He gave me the grace I needed. I know if I hadn’t done the work to forgive Marcie, my heart would have been hardened, and this next loss would have turned it into stone. With God’s help, I managed to keep going.

Betty here again.

Our faith instructs us to forgive others. We may tell ourselves we don’t need to because they aren’t sorry, they intended to hurt us, and they don’t deserve to be forgiven. But if we don’t forgive, our hearts harden. We are less able to forgive the next time we are hurt, and the next. If things don’t change, we become angry and bitter. Before long we start feeling the world is out to get us, and we see ourselves as victims. Our anger will likely cause people to avoid us, making loneliness reinforce our bitterness. We may think that THEY don’t deserve to be forgiven, but WE deserve the JOY that comes from being FORGIVERS. We deserve to have soft, merciful hearts that are slow to anger, and open to love.

The Lord’s Prayer says, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (Matthew 6:12)

The New Testament reiterates:

• For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15)
• And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:25)
• “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37)
• Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13)

Let it go. Soften your heart to accept grace. Pray for the ones who hurt you. Don’t allow yourself to dwell on the pain. You will see Jesus as He helps you forgive.

Joseph’s Joy

Joseph’s Joy: The Family Man is finally available! The novel follows its predecessor, Miriam’s Joy! by asking what would happen if Saint Joseph visited a modern town to help a few local men understand the importance they play in their families’ lives. This is my sixth Christian love story but moves beyond romance to family love and relationship.

These two books could be a nice Advent read, especially if you’d like a closer understanding of Mary and Joseph as living people you can relate to!

So far, I’m getting some very nice comments from readers!

• Just finished Joseph and loved it.  So heartwarming and your characters are, as always, people i want to meet.  Hated getting to the end.
• You are such a gifted writer and spiritual inspiration. I feel blessed that I picked up your books…
• …find your style of writing to ring so true.
• I just finished Joseph’s Joy.  I couldn’t put it down, so read it in a few hours.  It was great!  I had tears in my eyes frequently and just plain loved it.
• Thank you so much for a great and enjoyable read.  It was perfect for me at this time.

The Gift of Holy Saturday

Have you ever asked yourself what Holy Saturday is all about? We know the gift of Good Friday – that Jesus suffered and died for us so that we can experience forgiveness now and joy with Him in Heaven. And we understand the gift of Easter – that Jesus rose from the dead, and in so doing, conquered death’s hold over us so that we might rise again, too.

So, what is the gift of Holy Saturday?

Imagine what the disciples must have felt like on Saturday. Surely on Friday they were numb and couldn’t believe what had happened. But Saturday came and they had to admit Jesus had died. All their hopes for a better life must have died with Him. Jesus—who was so charismatic, so good, so filled with potential, who was going to lead them into a new kingdom—had agonized and then breathed His last on the cross.

Think of the women who followed Him and hadn’t been able to embalm His body on Friday. Now on Saturday they were not allowed to do so because of the Sabbath. So, they were left with no way to show Him their devotion, no opportunity to pay tribute to His body. No work to distract themselves from their loss.

I’ve been there, haven’t you? When all your hopes have been destroyed and you realize your dreams will not be realized. Perhaps when someone you love has died? It takes time to process your loss. Your mind doesn’t want to accept the pain and pushes it away in denial. We want to blame someone, and often God takes the brunt of our anger. We are where Lazarus’ sister was when she said, “Lord, if you had been here our brother wouldn’t have died!” We are where Jesus was when He said, “Father, why have You abandoned me?”

Yet, at some point in your Holy Saturday experience, you realize a phase of your life is over, and you must bear the loss and go on.

I think the gift of Holy Saturday is that even when we are at our lowest, and everything seems hopeless, and even when we can’t feel God is near, He is. When we are in that dark pit, alone and desolate and frightened, He is there. When we are “going through Hell,” we can know the Son of God has been there, too. There is no depth we can sink to, where He hasn’t been.

Jesus taught us how to make it through the Holy Saturday loss when, though He felt abandoned, He said, “Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit.” He showed us God still exists, even when we can’t feel Him, and we can trust and place ourselves in His hands.

Yes, He could have risen on Saturday morning. Yes, He could give us everything we want right when we want it. But then we wouldn’t be given the gift of being able to say, “God, I can’t feel You here. I can’t understand what has happened. I’d give anything to change it, and I don’t know why You allowed it. Still, I believe in You. I know, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, You love me. And I know you are all powerful. So even if I can’t have what I want, I trust You that you know what I need, and You want to shower me with goodness.”

It takes time to get to the point of being able to say this and mean it, all while enduring intense pain. But that’s the gift of Saturday, Time. And because we now know that Jesus did rise and our God isn’t dead, the gift of Saturday is Hope. Because of that Saturday and what happened next, we now can trust that a Sunday will come and with it, the resurrection of all that is good.

Now as Lent draws to an end and we prepare to celebrate Easter, this celebration of new life, let’s resolve to choose life.

Choose gratitude, rather than complaints.

Choose simplicity over materialism and complexity.

Choose relaxation and renewal over busyness.

Choose trust, rather than insecurity.

Choose service, rather than meaningless pursuits.

Choose life!

Choose love!

May all your Saturdays of Despair be followed by Sundays of Life! And may your choices lead you to Joy!

Necessary Losses

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.” Our life, our growth could be seen as a progression of letting go.

She writes:

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up and giving up and giving up some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

We should understand how these losses are linked to our gains.

For in leaving the blurred-boundary bliss of mother-child oneness, we become a conscious, unique and separate self, exchanging the illusion of absolute shelter and absolute safety for the triumphant anxieties of standing alone.

And in bowing to the forbidden and the impossible, we become a moral, responsible, adult self, discovering—within the limitations imposed by necessity—our freedoms and choices.

And in giving up our impossible expectations, we become a lovingly connected self, renouncing ideal visions of perfect friendship, marriage, children, family life for the sweet imperfections of all-too-human relationships.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we must give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

Viorst lists times in our lives when we must let go, followed by what we will gain by doing so:

Childhood’s End – We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions. We don’t blame our current lives on our childhood.

The Married State – We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go – In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth – Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or who we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones – Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality – By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

When we are children, we tend to strive to achieve the next level of growth. My granddaughter has just begun to walk and now her day is spent standing up and down, climbing up and down, daring herself to toddle farther, always strengthening newly controlled muscles and determined to achieve even more.

For some reason, as adults, we hold tighter to what we have achieved and need longer periods of stability before and if we progress again. Sometimes we would refuse to progress if the option were given to us. We know God wants us to become the best we can, which means continually growing, improving, and fighting our weaknesses. Yet, we fear the unknown, grow comfortable with the present, and hold tightly to what we treasure. (Wouldn’t it be better if, instead of collecting treasures, we shared ourselves?)

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. Many of us will lose our spouses, as well as dear friends. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, while possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair. We may downsize our house, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked until she was 86, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace. She doesn’t even complain now when Covid keeps her homebound, and she can no longer go to church in person.

Life will hurt us, but because of our wounds, we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Perhaps this process of letting go, if done well, makes room for God.

Being alive means we will suffer loss. But the loss will open us to new possibilities. Jesus lost his life, but by doing so, regained for us the Kingdom of God. He rose to new life so that we will, too. In that life, there will be no loss.

Blessings on you and on your week!

Betty Arrigotti.