Calm, Healthy Relationships

Although we certainly like excitement at times, we also crave calm within our relationships. Of course, how to keep gentleness, respect, and positivity in our daily experiences with our loved ones is a huge topic, not easily covered in a short blog post. However, we can revisit some basics.

FEELING COMFORTABLE ALONE

In Resisting Happiness, Matthew Kelly writes, “The fear of being alone is the father of many relationships that never should have been. When we choose to be with someone because we are afraid of being alone, we dishonor ourselves and the other person.” He goes on to say that the cure for loneliness is solitude. “Solitude teaches profound lessons, especially about ourselves. Feeling lonely has value. Sometimes we need to turn inward to discover what we need to hold on to and what we need to let go of. […] Until we learn to be comfortable alone—and more than that, to enjoy our own company— […] we are unconditionally unprepared to be in any kind of significant relationship with another person.”

So, once we learn to be comfortably alone and are ready for a lasting, healthy relationship, how do we choose a healthy beloved? We must search for partners who value our happiness as much as their own and are willing to sacrifice for us, as we would for them. There is no love without sacrifice.

DATING DEAL-BREAKER RED FLAGS:

• ADDICTIONS – These include substance abuse, such as alcohol or drugs, as well as gambling. You may love the person deeply, but until (s)he’s in recovery and has been for a long time, (s)he cannot love you enough to give you a happy, healthy relationship. (S)he hasn’t the free will required to commit fully to you.
• DISHONESTY – A person who does not respect the truth will lie to you as easily as you observe him or her lie to someone else. A healthy relationship relies on trust and this person cannot be trusted.
• UNFAITHFULNESS – As much as he or she declares love for you, if there is a history of cheating, you are naive to think you won’t be hurt the same way. Be grateful you learned about this character flaw before you married.
• UNCONTROLLED ANGER – If this person cannot control anger and strikes out in a way that hurts himself or someone else, run, don’t walk, away. Even though you have never seen the anger focused on you, you will. If people hurt others intentionally, even with words alone, they are not going to be part of a healthy relationship.
• DISRESPECT FOR YOUR FAITH – Our spirituality is an integral part of us. If it’s ridiculed, an important side of you is not respected. To be healthy, all relationships require mutual respect. Think ahead to how his or her opinion would influence your children and their faith life.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR – A person who wants to make all decisions and who doesn’t respect your independence and opinion is not a partner. The need to be in charge will intensify with time, possibly to the point of becoming abusive.

(If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.)

In any relationship, some conflict is inevitable. According to The Exceptional 7 Percent by Gregory K. Popcak, we can strive to—

FIGHT LIKE THE WORLD’S HAPPIEST COUPLES:

• The argument must move things along to a mutually satisfying solution.
• There are certain lines the couple simply doesn’t cross no matter how heated their discussion gets. Disallow anything that causes defensiveness or quickly escalates the argument.
• Maintain your own dignity. No matter how crazy you think your spouse is acting, you must be able to be proud of your own conduct at the end of the day.
• Is this an argument worth having? Is the fight about something that will stop you fulfilling your values, ideals, or goals?
• Begin with the end in mind. What changes will I have to make to solve this problem? What do I need to know from my spouse to feel better about this problem? What do I think needs to happen so we can avoid this in the future?
• Take time-outs to cool down if necessary. If you start to think your spouse is the problem, take a break to think more lovingly.
• Look for the positive intention behind your spouse’s negative behavior and work with your spouse to find more respectful alternatives to meet needs.
• Never show contempt whether through gestures or words. This always escalates the disagreement. One of the worst acts of contempt is threatening divorce. It undermines your spouse’s ability to trust you, damages the security of your relationship, and offends the dignity of your marriage.
• Don’t nag. Solve! Set a deadline for something to get done and if it doesn’t, call for help to get it done or do it yourself as an act of love. Your spouse’s help is a gift that should be freely given but, like any gift, you have no right to demand it.
• Don’t parent each other. Never deny what your spouse wants to do, but freely negotiate the how and when.
• L.O.V.E. Look for the positive intention. Omit contempt. Verify what was meant. Encourage each other throughout the conflict.

Unhealthy fighting can erode a relationship to the point of bitterness. Never let the “4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse” enter your marriage or they will work to end it. John Gottman and Nan Silver’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last, identifies these 4 destructive habits:

1. Criticism attacks the person. Complaints, on the other hand, are specific and about one behavior. They can enhance a relationship if spouses are open to growth.
2. Contempt attacks the person with an intent to hurt.
3. Defensiveness, or the poor-me stance, relinquishes our ability to accept the challenge of self-improvement for the sake of the ones we love.
4. When we want to turn our backs (stonewalling), we must keep turning back toward each other.

De-escalate a disagreement by reaffirming your admiration for your spouse, interjecting healthy humor, touching affectionately, stepping back to make a comment about your current feelings, or trying to look at things from your spouse’s point of view.

Wouldn’t we all enjoy calm relationships with our loved ones? The type that comes with easy interactions, interesting conversations, and mutual respect? Of course, disagreements are part of life, and no couple always relates with perfect love, but we can make improvements. Resolving to always behave with respect, no matter our feelings, can bring peace to a conflict.

Recognizing Relationship Danger Signals

Last week we discussed differentiating true fear from anxiety and worry. Sadly, sometimes people get so used to true fear that they ignore it. In The Gift of Fear, author Gavin de Becker writes, “People who ignore their intuition, their mind and body’s warnings of danger, either through self-doubt or groomed desensitization, can find themselves in very imminent risk of harm or death.”

You may know people in difficult relationships or be in one yourself, and with de Becker’s permission to quote directly, I include his list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence or murders. Perhaps it will help you to help yourself (or someone you love) recognize an unsafe situation, take control of your life, and leave safely. Or maybe a controlling person may recognize himself and seek help before it is too late. (Note that sometimes the genders in these warnings can be reversed.)

“The signals won’t all be present in every case, but if a situation has several of these signals, there is reason for concern.”

1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger. He uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.)
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse effects (memory loss, hostility, cruelty).
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct. (“That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk I was crazy.”)
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery.)
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior (including vandalism, breaking things, throwing things.)
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship; he keeps her on a “tight leash,” requires her to account for her time.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like “together for life, “always,” or “no matter what.”
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife’s friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him. He believes that those around his wife/partner dislike him and encourage her to leave him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fiction or history. He characterizes the violence of others as justified.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making; he refuses to take responsibility for the results of his actions.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses “male privilege” as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servant, makes all the big decisions, acts like the “master of the house.”)
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has made plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for children.)

“With this list and all you know about intuition and prediction, you can now help prevent America’s most predictable murders. Literally. Refer the woman to a battered women’s shelter, if for nothing else than to speak to someone who knows about what she is facing, in her life and in herself. Refer the man to a battered women’s shelter; they will be able to suggest programs for him. When there is violence, report it to police.”

One may ask why a person has stayed in an abusive relationship. De Becker writes:

“Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains out of the victim the instinctive reaction to protect the self. To override the most natural and central instinct, a person must come to believe that he or she is not worth protecting. Being beaten by a “loved one” sets up a conflict between two instincts that should never compete: the instinct to stay in a secure environment (the family) and the instinct to flee a dangerous environment. […] The instinct to stay prevails in the absence of concrete options on the other side.”

Sometimes people who won’t leave for themselves can be convinced to leave for their children’s sake. However, leaving must be done carefully and with advanced planning, if at all possible, because women are most in danger while, or right after, trying to leave. Women’s shelters can give the best advice.

Violence in relationships is widespread. In today’s Oregonian, Amy Wang writes that 20% of teenage girls who date say they have been victims of violence in their relationships. This could be you, your daughter, or granddaughter. Know the signs. Find help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  or www.thehotline.org

Dating Abuse and Domestic Violence – “loveisrespect” – call 1-866-331-9474 (24/7) or text loveis to 22522

How to Stop a Bad Relationship Before It Starts

You’ve met someone charming, but how can you tell if it’s just an act that later will give way to the true jerk within?

In an Oregonian article Saturday, April 28, 2012, Katy Muldoon interviews Stephen T. McCrea, whose work with survivors of domestic abuse prompted him to write Jerk Radar: How to Stop a Bad Relationship Before It Starts.

He writes tips for avoiding The Jerk:

1. Go slowly: Most jerks rush to get you involved and committed because it gives them more control over you.
2. Beware extreme charm: He may be trying to overwhelm you with romance so you don’t examine him too closely.
3. Maintain friends and family: If he doesn’t like it dump him quick. He’s more interested in control than love.
4. Watch for hostile humor: If he puts others down, look out. Eventually he’ll put you down, too.
5. Listen for blame: If he blames others for his trouble, he’ll soon blame things on you.
6. Ask about the ex: Trash-talking a former partner is a bad sign. He’ll whine about you to his next girlfriend.
7. Check his reputation: If he’s had lots of stormy relationships, has a rep for anger, has been a womanizer, frequently loses jobs, or has been in and out of prison, you’re probably buying trouble.
8. Don’t try to “fix” him: If you don’t like his behavior early when he’s putting his best foot forward, it’ll be downhill from there. You’re his girlfriend, not his counselor.
9. Say “no” to addicts. Don’t buy “I’ll quit for you.”
10. Be yourself: Don’t change who you are to make him want to be with you. Don’t worry about rejection. If he does something that bothers you, say so. If you think he’s being disrespectful, tell him. If you thing he’s trying to make you feel guilty, don’t give in. If he moves on because you can’t be manipulated, that’s a good thing. It is better to be by yourself than to be with a jerk.

McCrea stresses his book is designed to help people detect abusive tendencies early in a relationship. Those in longer term relationships who feel scared or intimidated by a partner, or trapped and unable to get away should call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-7999-7233.

To see the full article click http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2012/04/jerk_radar_author_shares_advic.html

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Should you marry?

Should you get married?

Below are more questions that different authors have proposed for helping you decide if marriage is right for you:

 From Are You Ready for Marriage? on Dr. Phil McGraw’s website http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/58: 

• Why are you getting married?
  Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement. Write a list of pros and cons about your partner and your relationship. If you have to talk yourself into marriage — don’t. If you have to talk your fiancé into marriage — no way! Make sure you are not getting married to escape or avoid something. Have you just always wanted to get married? That’s not a good enough reason. If you get nauseous shopping for a wedding dress or seem to be sick every time you have to meet the caterer, listen to your body.
• Do you know and trust your partner’s personal history?
  The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Learn from it. How has your partner behaved in past relationships? How have they behaved with you? What has your partner learned about marriage from his/her parents? Look closely at your partner’s parents — children learn what they live.
• Have you planned a marriage — or just a wedding?
  Cake, flowers and fine china are all exciting, but there’s more at stake than one day. Your wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime. You don’t just want to be married; you want to be happily married. Think about the next 50 years. Put at least the same amount of time and effort that you are using to plan your wedding into planning your marriage.
• Are you investing more than you can afford to lose?
  Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, for example, the cost is too high. If it all falls apart, are you going to be emotionally bankrupt? It is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else.
• Have you identified and communicated your needs and expectations?
  Know yourself. You can’t determine if somebody is good for you if you don’t know your own needs. It’s not selfish to have goals within a relationship. Express your needs and expectations now — not when you’re already in the marriage. What are your absolute deal breakers? Do you know your partner’s?

Here is a different take on marriage readiness, from Discerning Marriage: A Community of Life and Love. Fr. Michael Sweeney, O.P. encourages couples to discern whether the call, the promise, faithfulness, and sacrifice of their relationship would lead to a covenant marriage.

Discerning the Call: Does this relationship give you fuller identity? Can you imagine your life, with integrity, not including your partner?

• How well do I know the story of my partner? Are there elements of his/her story about which she or he is reluctant to speak?
• How forthcoming have I been about my own story?

Discerning the Promise: Does he/she urge you to be who you truly are?

• Have you a witness in the other—someone who delights in you so that you are seen, appreciated, and recognized for who you are?
• What, if anything, would your partner change about you? What would you change about him/her?
• Are there any moments when you are uncomfortable in his/her company? When does this occur? What happens as a result?
• Have you ever felt belittled by your partner? Are you able to talk about this together?

Discerning Faithfulness: Do you know the other will be truthful when he/she vows to love and honor you all the days of your life?

• Are you prepared to speak the whole truth about yourselves as questions arise? Can you think of anything you would not wish to share with your partner? Why are you reluctant?
• Are you satisfied with the amount of time that you speak about important things? Are you both prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to have real time together?
• When you argue, are you able to “respond” to each other rather than merely to “react” to each other?
• Are you confident that enough has been spoken between you that you are truly able to be fully present to each other?

Discerning the Sign of the Covenant (Sacrifice): Are you both willing to pay the price of the relationship, to sacrifice for each other?

• Can you think of occasions when he or she has sacrificed plans or intentions for your sake?
• Can you think of occasions when your partner has proven that he/she is strong enough to take what you have to say? Do you frequently find yourself protecting your partner out of fear that he/she might be hurt by what you have to say?
• Do you find yourself protecting yourself because you fear that he or she might walk away from the relationship if you say what is really in your mind or heart? Are you secure in the knowledge of your heart that your partner wants to make you safe to speak?
• Are you jealous of your partner? Do you know in your heart that he/she is trustworthy? Can you accept that what he/she promises you is true?

 Other Questions:

• Do you regard your partner as fully your equal? Does he or she regard you as an equal? Do you seek to submit yourself to each other as an act of your love?
• Have you seen differences in the way that you relate to each other? Can you celebrate and take delight in those differences?

 And one last resource:

 From The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life by Debbie Ford, these questions could be applied to any decision, major ones like whether to marry, or small ones like whether to eat the doughnut:

1. 1.      Will this choice propel me toward my desired future, or will it keep me stuck in the past?
2. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment, or short-term gratification?
3. Is this choice standing in my own power, or am I trying to please another?
4. Am I looking for what is right, or am I looking for what is wrong?
5. Will this choice add to my life force, or will it rob me of my energy?
6. 6.      Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will I use it to beat myself up?
7. 7.      Will this choice empower and make me stronger, or will it disempower and keep me weak?
8. Is this act one of self-love or of self-sabotage?
9. Is this act one of faith, or one of fear?

10.  Is this choice made from my divinity, or my humanity? (Betty here. The author seems to mean out of a sense of connectedness vs. self-serving.)

I hope these posts have helped you take a sincere look at what you want from a partner before you are ready for marriage. My husband and I prayed over the years for our children to find kind spouses of faith and integrity. That is my prayer for each of you, too.

May your Holy Week be blessed and your Easter bring resurrection of the Spirit within you!

Betty Arrigotti

PS – I’d love to hear feedback!

 To read more:

Dr. Phil McGraw’s website http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/58

Sweeney, Fr. Michael, O.P. (2002). Discerning Marriage: A Community of Life and Love, The Catherine of Siena Institute.

Ford, Debbie (2004). The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life, Harper Collins.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Premarriage Questions

Should you get married?

All sorts of people have written questions to help couples make this lifelong decision. At the risk of turning you into Inquisitors, I’ll offer some of those sources in this email and the next, and hope that your decision will be made clearer as you discuss them.

The first set of questions is from a list I wrote when my daughter was considering marriage. It’s been a while since I wrote it and I don’t know if I used other sources that should be cited. If so, my apologies to those authors:

Religion

• Will you each practice your own faith or worship together?
• Whose faith denomination will you attend?
• Whose faith denomination will you get married in?
• Do you both value weekly attendance?
• How will you celebrate spiritual holidays like Christmas and Easter?
• In which faith would children be raised?
• How do you each feel about monetary support of a church?
• Are there any tenets of your fiancé’s faith that go against your beliefs or conscience?
• Are there any tenets of your own faith that your fiancé can’t accept?
• How will you work out agreements?
• What are your thoughts on responsibility to serve others? Volunteering?
• What does your church require of a married couple?

In-laws

• Do your families both welcome your relationship?
• Do you like your future in-laws?
• How strong are the marriages in your families?
• What would you like to do the same, or differently than your parents?
• How do you feel about your in-laws being your children’s grandparents and relatives?
• How will you split time between the families? Holidays?
• Will you both put your spouse first before your original families?
• How much time would you each like to spend with your families?

Money

• Will you both work?
• How will you combine your incomes? Separate accounts?
• How will decisions about major purchases be made?
• What are your thoughts about credit, savings, debt? Are they compatible?
• How would you each feel if she made significantly more than he?
• What are your thoughts about mothers working?
• Are husbands’ financial responsibilities different than wives’?
• How would you feel if the other didn’t want to or couldn’t work?
• Where would you like to live: city, country, suburb, apartment, house?
• Do you know the financial situation of the other? Level of debt? Income potential?
• What type of wedding/honeymoon do you each think is financially reasonable?
• How do you feel about budgeting?

Fidelity

• What are your expectations of the other?
• Have you discussed your relationships of the past so you both are comfortable with them now?
• How do you see yourself responding to infidelity?
• Have you discussed your fears about this?
• Do you feel completely confident in the other’s commitment to you?

Sex

• Are you comfortable with your own sexuality, as a gift from God?
• Can you openly discuss it when you are uncomfortable about something sexual?
• Do you feel cherished and respected?
• Have you discussed and agreed on your feelings about premarital sex?
• Have you talked with a doctor or tested for any medical concerns you have?
• Can you both accept the necessity to abstain and be faithful during separation or medical restraints?
• Can you tell each other what you like and don’t like as it comes up?
• What do you think about artificial birth control? Natural birth control?
• Do you both strive to please the other?

Children

• Do you both want children?
• How many children would you feel comfortable with?
• When would you hope to start having children?
• Have you discussed your concerns about being parents?
• What were your parents’ means of discipline?
• How would you discipline differently than your parents?
• Would you want your children to attend private religious schools?
• If so, how much of a financial sacrifice would be reasonable for private schools?
• Would you expect and plan for your children to go to college?
• What are your thoughts on abortion? Adoption?
• What if your child had special needs/disabilities?
• Have you discussed what medical issues run in your families?

Division of labor

• Who will cook, clean, launder, shop, maintain the car, etc.?
• Will one of you stay home with children? How long?
• What do you think of daycare?
• Whose work will determine where you live?
• What are your career dreams?

Social

• Do you expect to spend time apart with your friends? How much?
• How might you enjoy evenings?
• Do you enjoy the same types of activities? Can you play together?
• What is your idea of a vacation?
• Do you both enjoy talking to each other? Are you best friends?
• Do either of you worry about the other’s drinking? Drug use? Health?

Miscellaneous

• What are some of your dreams for your future? Fears?
• Where do you picture yourselves in 5 years? 10 years?
• How do you behave when you are angry? How does your fiancé? How about when sad?
• What do you both do to work out disagreements? What do you wish you both would do?
• Do you always feel safe around the other?

Questions from Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt covers a wide range of topics: sex, values, religion, money, education, in-laws, careers, ethics, commitment, snoring, parenthood, cooking, cleaning, love, friends, exes, hopes, dreams, romance, travel, savings, secrets, taxes, children, space, holidays, television, pets, interests, fears, retirement, and trust. It also offers questions to ask parents, friends, religious leaders, lawyers and children. Here are a few:

Questions for your friends and family:

• Do you think we make a good match? Why?
• What kinds of problems, if any, do you see us having if we get married?
• Have you ever witnessed him/her mistreating me in any way?
• What advice would you give me before marriage?
• How does he/she make me a better person?
• Is there anything you know about him/her that you think I should know about?
• How happy do you see us being ten years from now?
• What do you consider his/her strong points? Weaknesses?
• What values do you think we have in common?
• In what ways have you seen us grow together?

Questions for his/her friends:

• Has he/she ever been a heavy drinker? Had a gambling problem?
• What is the craziest thing you’ve ever seen him/her do?
• How does he/she react when angry?
• How does he/she help others?
• When you think about him/her, what positive attributes come to mind?
• In what way do you think he/she will change me for the better?
• How would you describe his/her values and morals?
• What is the most memorable experience you’ve had with him or her?
• What does he/she say about me when I’m not around?
• What do they say about him/her when he’s/she’s not around?
• How does he/she act toward other women/men?
• What do you know about past relationships?
• What does he/she worry about?

Questions for future in-laws:

• How and when do you see us celebrating holidays and family traditions together?
• How often do you expect us to visit?
• How often do you expect to visit us?
• As a new daughter/son-in-law, what expectations will you have of me?
• As a new in-law, what do you hope I can bring to the family?
• What do you hope we can do together in the coming years?
• Are there any family concerns you think I should be aware of?
• What advice do you have for me in marriage?
• What would you like to know about me?
• What would you like for me to know about your family?
• What would you like to know about my family?
• What are some of the best times you have had together as a family?
• What are some of your hopes for our marriage?
• What are some of your concerns about our marriage?

If you don’t want to make people feel grilled, these are questions that you might gain answers to gradually. One or two at a time would make great discussion springboards.

Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more:

Outcalt, Todd (1998). Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage, Perigee/Penguin

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Purity

I was all set to write about questions to ask each other this week, topics to consider before you decide you are ready to marry. A good safe subject, and a valuable one that will probably come next week. But then I started to think about what else single people should think about, and had to face one of the most difficult subjects to write well.

Sex.

It’s a minefield of a topic. I could come across as preachy. An Old Fogey. Pollyana. Or out of touch. I might say too much or more likely, not enough. I run a serious risk of alienating my readers, something writers avoid at all cost.

Please honor the courage this will take and continue to read. I’ll speak first to those of you who want to wait until marriage before sharing yourselves sexually and then to those who haven’t waited, as God holds blessings for all.

To be completely open: I believe sexual love is a beautiful and Godly gift when it expresses a life-long covenant. Conversely, I believe sexual expressions of unity, when no lifelong unity is intended, wound the hearts and souls of both parties, and often, innocent others. These wounds make future relationships more difficult to develop in a healthy, holy manner.

That said, I’m going to turn to some points made by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice in For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, a book they wrote after interviewing and surveying hundreds of young men. Though everything below is a generalization, I urge you not to assume your relationship is the exception. Talk seriously and honestly, respecting the vulnerability that honesty brings.

The authors offer several statistically supported insights, first about appearance:

• A guy is automatically tempted to sexually fantasize about an attractive female figure he’s seen. This is completely normal, and a temptation men struggle with throughout their lives. Yes, Christian men, as well.
• Guys think girls know they are enticing men to fantasize about them when they dress provocatively. The way girls dress sends messages they might not intend. Girls might think their outfit says “Cute” when guys receive the signal “Easy.” Yet, it is possible to dress both modestly and attractively.
• Guys fall for girls who don’t have supermodel bodies, but physical attraction is necessary for a dating relationship. Guys want their girlfriends to be healthy, not unrealistically thin, not suffering from eating disorders. But also, they see significantly overweight girls as having low self esteem, which is not attractive to them. The key here is that working toward health is appealing. If you know your eating habits are unhealthy, please, seek professional help.
• Your appearance sends a signal of how you feel about yourself. “As the guys see it, they want girls that think enough of themselves to put effort into their appearance. That showed the guys that the girl was confident in who she was as a person.”

Now, insights about sex:

• Many guys feel neither the ability nor the responsibility to stop the sexual progression. And those who do feel the responsibility don’t want to have to stop it alone.
• Having sex doesn’t mean he loves her or is committed to her. This is a difficult attitude for girls to believe. To women, the physical element is an outpouring of love, but men may “use love to get sex”. In general, guys have premarital sex for physical pleasure; girls have premarital sex to fill an emotional need for connection. Many hearts are broken over this misunderstanding.
• As soon as a girl has sex with a guy, he’ll likely doubt whether he can trust her. Even if he pushed for the sex, the introduction of this doubt will undermine the relationship. “The line gets blurred between love and hormones. From then on, you’re always wondering which factor is in play.”
• Guys want to marry a virgin. As unfair as that seems, the double standard still exists.

When young men were asked to imagine themselves giving anonymous advice to girls, including their sisters, they rose to the occasion. They want to be protective of their sisters and friends. They want to be heroes. I think their advice applies to men and women. They wrote:

• Set boundaries. It helps to have talked ahead of time about expectations. Having predetermined boundaries makes limits easier than when judgment is clouded by hormones.
• Don’t assume anyone is immune to temptation. Don’t rely completely on the person you are with, no matter how honorable he is. He’s tempted, too!
• “Do a Joseph!” When Joseph of the Old Testament was tempted by Potiphar’s wife, he ran! Flee from sexual temptation.
• Be yourself. If they don’t like you for you, they aren’t worth your time. Never compromise your principles. Be confident. After all, you are a child of the King of Kings!

You are a child of the King of Kings, no matter what relationship mistakes you’ve made! Even if you are reading this wounded from the past, or in a relationship where you are dissatisfied with the decisions you’ve made, you are a treasure! God helps us to grow from every experience we’ve had and can turn all mistakes into good. He heals our wounds and creates in us new, healthy hearts. Turn to Him!

I hope everyone who is reading this has experienced the joy of a loving, forgiving parent who thinks you are a gift to the world. But even if you have not, know that God is the perfect parent who loves unconditionally and delights in you, His creation. He wants to see you healthy and whole and is always ready to help you grow. His commands show His loving desire to protect us from harm.

You can reclaim a purity of heart. You can realize your worth as a beloved child of God and decide to only express your physical love when it is the symbol or outpouring of lifelong commitment before God. Not as giving in to temptation and not out of emotional need, but as a gift between two strong people, willing to sacrifice for each other and pledged to one another for life.

I’ll be praying for you,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: Also available on CD which makes it easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

I also recommend:

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Deal Breakers

Last week I asked you to evaluate yourself in several areas to assess your readiness for marriage. Next, if you are in a relationship, you considered the same questions about your beloved. Now I’d like to focus more carefully on the deal breakers that would call you to refuse commitment, no matter how deeply you love. You owe a wise, though difficult decision to yourself and your future children.

DEAL BREAKER RED FLAGS:

• ADDICTIONS – These include substance abuse, such as alcohol or drugs, as well as gambling. You may love the person deeply, but until they are in recovery and have been for a good long time, they cannot love you enough to give you a happy, healthy relationship. They do not have the free will required to commit fully to you. They may be a wonderful person apart from their addiction, but they can’t help being more committed to the addiction than to you.
• DISHONESTY – A person who does not respect the truth will lie to you as easily as you observe him or her lie to someone else. A healthy relationship relies on trust and this person cannot be trusted.
• UNFAITHFULNESS – As much as he or she declares love for you, if there is a history of cheating, you are naive to think you won’t be hurt the same way. Be grateful you learned about this character flaw before you married.
• UNCONTROLLED ANGER – If this person cannot control his (or her) anger and strikes out in a way that hurts himself or someone else, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Even though you have never seen the anger focused on you, you will. If people hurt others intentionally, even with words alone, they are not going to be part of a healthy relationship.
• DISRESPECT FOR YOUR FAITH – Our spirituality is an integral part of us. If your faith is ridiculed, an important side of you is not respected. To be healthy, all relationships need mutual respect. Think ahead to how his or her opinion would influence your children and their faith life.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR – A person who wants to make all decisions and who doesn’t respect your independence and differences of opinion is not a partner. Their need to be in charge will intensify with time, possibly to the point of becoming abusive. This behavior may be difficult to recognize from within the relationship, but below are some warning flags taken from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm 

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?
• humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

• ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR – It should go without saying that you must not continue a relationship with someone who hurts you. Yet, abusers can seem very loving when they are not abusing and so people remain in a dangerous relationship. If you have ever been intentionally hurt by the other, no matter how sorry he or she was later, end the relationship. If you are afraid of ending it, seek help from friends, family, or professionals. If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.

If a person you love falls into one of the deal breaker categories, this may be the hardest, yet most important decision of your life. Break off the relationship. You deserve a healthy beloved and you cannot single-handedly (nor is it your responsibility to) overcome these dangerous behaviors.

In his book, Love Smart, Dr. Phil McGraw says, “Trust me, if you’re dealing with a guy who is broken in some major way, tell him to get help, give him the name of a good counselor but don’t take that on when you still have an option to choose wisely. That may sound harsh, but you are looking for a healthy, functional partner who is uniquely compatible with you. […] It’s the most obvious rule in the world: Don’t pick the one who is broken.”

(Note – we are all somewhat broken but we are talking here about serious incapacity to love well.) Know that God loves this broken person and He will work to help him or her. It is even possible that losing you will be the impetus this person needs to find help and choose to grow.

I hope you are all headed for healthy, happy relationships, but if you find yourself in any of the trouble listed above, please be brave and seek help.

This was a heavy subject this week, and a bit depressing. Here’s one of my favorite verses from the Bible to perk us back up:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

My prayers are with you,

Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Ready?

Welcome to “4 Minutes B4 Marriage!”

 Some of you may be already in a serious relationship and talking about marriage. Congratulations on your conscientious consideration of the decision to marry! Good for you for taking time away from your wedding or honeymoon dreams to consider the health of your marriage.

Others might be thinking ahead for when the right person comes along. Good for you for working to be ready for a healthy relationship.

Since the strength of any whole depends on the quality of its parts, the strength of a marriage depends on the maturity and wholeness of both people. Let’s start with a look at ourselves. To be fair to our future spouse, we must ask ourselves, “Am I ready to be part of a committed, lifelong relationship?” We’ll break that question down further:

 Am I ready to make someone’s needs as important to me as my own needs?

• Can I place a beloved’s needs ahead of my wants?
• Or others’ wants on the same level of importance to me as my own?
• If I were to become a parent sooner than expected, am I ready?

Do I accept responsibility for my:

Emotional well-being

• Am I participating in my relationships with a sense of personal strength, rather than neediness?
• Do I rely on others to entertain me, console me, validate me, or can I do those things for myself?
• Do I have areas I know I can grow in, but basically like myself?
• Can I handle my anger constructively?

Spirituality

• How is my relationship with God?
• Do I have a faith community or a strong group of family and friends to offer support in difficult times?
• Do I attend church whether I have someone to accompany me or not?

Health

• Do I take care of my health adequately so that others don’t worry about me?
• Do I make safe choices to protect my health?
• If something goes wrong, am I willing to reach out for help?
• Can I recognize signs of depression in myself and get help if necessary?

Contribution to society

• Do I volunteer as a means of sharing some of the blessings I’ve received?
• Do I respect my community’s laws?

Behavior

• Do I avoid chemical influences on my judgment, whether drugs or excessive alcohol?
• Am I sensitive to other’s feelings and treat everyone with respect?

Finances

• Am I bettering myself with education and/or work experience so that I could support myself if necessary?
• Am I living within my means?

Past

• Is my relationship with my parents troubled? How might that affect my marriage?
• Have I spent some independent time so that I am not moving directly from my parents’ care to someone else’s?
• Am I working to come to terms with any childhood traumas, not expecting my beloved to heal them?
• Have I healed from wounds from previous relationships, or do they affect my current relationship still?

In general, am I ready to be the type of person I would like to be married to?

This email can be read in about 2 minutes. Of course it will take longer if you seriously consider each question. But wait! That’s not all! After you have thought about your answers, if you are in a serious relationship, reread each question and answer it as honestly as you can about your beloved. Next, think about whether (s)he would answer these questions differently about you?

Granted, no one is perfectly mature. We work in the grey areas of “good enough but working to get better.” However, we need to be able to honestly look at ourselves and decide if we are “ready enough” or if we could use more time, or perhaps some personal counseling to be better prepared. Our weaknesses will cause trouble in our marriage. Conversely, the more mature we are, the stronger our part of the marriage will be.

 My prayers are with you,

Betty Arrigotti