Recognizing Relationship Danger Signals

Last week we discussed differentiating true fear from anxiety and worry. Sadly, sometimes people get so used to true fear that they ignore it. In The Gift of Fear, author Gavin de Becker writes, “People who ignore their intuition, their mind and body’s warnings of danger, either through self-doubt or groomed desensitization, can find themselves in very imminent risk of harm or death.”

You may know people in difficult relationships or be in one yourself, and with de Becker’s permission to quote directly, I include his list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence or murders. Perhaps it will help you to help yourself (or someone you love) recognize an unsafe situation, take control of your life, and leave safely. Or maybe a controlling person may recognize himself and seek help before it is too late. (Note that sometimes the genders in these warnings can be reversed.)

“The signals won’t all be present in every case, but if a situation has several of these signals, there is reason for concern.”

1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger. He uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.)
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse effects (memory loss, hostility, cruelty).
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct. (“That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk I was crazy.”)
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery.)
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior (including vandalism, breaking things, throwing things.)
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship; he keeps her on a “tight leash,” requires her to account for her time.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like “together for life, “always,” or “no matter what.”
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife’s friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him. He believes that those around his wife/partner dislike him and encourage her to leave him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fiction or history. He characterizes the violence of others as justified.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making; he refuses to take responsibility for the results of his actions.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses “male privilege” as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servant, makes all the big decisions, acts like the “master of the house.”)
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has made plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for children.)

“With this list and all you know about intuition and prediction, you can now help prevent America’s most predictable murders. Literally. Refer the woman to a battered women’s shelter, if for nothing else than to speak to someone who knows about what she is facing, in her life and in herself. Refer the man to a battered women’s shelter; they will be able to suggest programs for him. When there is violence, report it to police.”

One may ask why a person has stayed in an abusive relationship. De Becker writes:

“Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains out of the victim the instinctive reaction to protect the self. To override the most natural and central instinct, a person must come to believe that he or she is not worth protecting. Being beaten by a “loved one” sets up a conflict between two instincts that should never compete: the instinct to stay in a secure environment (the family) and the instinct to flee a dangerous environment. […] The instinct to stay prevails in the absence of concrete options on the other side.”

Sometimes people who won’t leave for themselves can be convinced to leave for their children’s sake. However, leaving must be done carefully and with advanced planning, if at all possible, because women are most in danger while, or right after, trying to leave. Women’s shelters can give the best advice.

Violence in relationships is widespread. In today’s Oregonian, Amy Wang writes that 20% of teenage girls who date say they have been victims of violence in their relationships. This could be you, your daughter, or granddaughter. Know the signs. Find help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  or www.thehotline.org

Dating Abuse and Domestic Violence – “loveisrespect” – call 1-866-331-9474 (24/7) or text loveis to 22522

Traits of a Healthy Family

Today let’s look at some simple lists and then, if you make it through to the end, I’ll offer my own two recommendations for building healthier families.

First, an addition to the Single Parent Family topic from two weeks ago. In Dr. Phil McGraw’s book, Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family, he lists

The most profound needs of children who are adjusting to life in a single parent family:

1.         Acceptance – They need acceptance. They need to know that they are important, that they are a priority. They will try to gain approval because their sense of belonging to the family has been shattered.

2.         Assurance of Safety – Parents need to go beyond normal efforts to assure their children that although the family has fragmented, their protection is solid. The key is to maintain a normal pace, boundaries, and routines. They need to know that their world is predictable and that it’s not going to change on them.

3.         Freedom from guilt or blame for the divorce – Children often assume the blame for the dissolution of a marriage. Be conscious of this and assure your children they’re blameless.

4.         Need for structure – They need structure more than any other time in their lives, because this is when things seem to be falling apart for them. Enforce discipline consistently and with the right currency for good behavior. They need to see that the world keeps spinning around, and they’re still an integral part of what’s going on.

5.         Need for a stable parent who has the strength to conduct business – Whether or not you feel brave and strong, you have to appear to be the best for your children. Do everything possible to assure them of your strength, and in doing so, you make it possible for them to relax. Show yourself to be a person of strength and resilience.

6.         Need to let kids be kids –

•          Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

•          Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

Now on to all families:

In Traits of a Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, she writes that families for ages held traditional goals:

1.         To achieve economic survival.

2.         To provide protection.

3.         To pass on the religious faith.

4.         To educate their young.

5.         To confer status.

These goals were largely taken for granted until the 1900s. Today we focus instead on relationship. Curran writes, “We marry so we can love and be loved, not feed and be fed. We join together in a search for intimacy, not protection. We have children so that we can give and be given to, care and be cared about, and share the joys of connecting with posterity, not for old-age bread and bed. Abraham Maslow once observed that we are the first generation in the history of peoples sufficiently beyond sustenance to be able to focus on the quality of our relationships.”

Here’s Curran’s list of the traits of today’s healthy family:

1.         Communicates and listens

2.         Fosters table time and conversations

3.         Affirms and supports one another

4.         Teaches respect for others

5.         Develops a sense of trust

6.         Has a sense of play and humor

7.         Has a balance of interaction among members

8.         Shares leisure time

9.         Exhibits a sense of shared responsibility

10.       Teaches a sense of right and wrong

11.       Has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound

12.       Has a shared religious core

13.       Respects the privacy of one another

14.       Values service to others

15.       Admits to and seeks help with problems

Not a bad list to strive towards. I think I like it better than Stephen Covey’s but I’m offering his list for those it might appeal to. In Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, Covey writes:

“Good families—even great families—are off track 90 percent of the time! The key is that they have a sense of destination. They know what the “track” looks like. And they keep coming back to it time and time again.” 

Stephen Covey’s list of habits for effective families includes:

1.         Be Proactive – Become an agent of change in your family

2.         Begin with the End in Mind – Develop a family mission statement

3.         Put first things first – Make family a priority in a turbulent world

4.         Think “Win-Win.” – Move from “me” to “we”

5.         Seek first to understand . . .then to be understood – solve family problems through empathic communication

6.         Synergize – build family unity through celebrating differences

7.         Sharpen the saw – renew the family spirit through traditions

Well done! You made it to the end, so here are

Two of my suggestions for growing a healthier family:

1.         If you know you make unhealthy choices in an area—whether physical, emotional, spiritual or relational—get whatever help you need to become healthier.  A family benefits whenever any member improves.

2.         Spend more relaxed time interacting with your family. Sacrifices you’ll need to make for this to happen (turning off the TV, computer, and cell phone) are worth it. You won’t regret it. In our marriage, from the time our fourth was born, we made time for a date night each week (in order to complete a whole sentence and keep our relationship strong.) During the hectic years with four elementary school daughters, we restricted them each to one activity beyond faith formation classes. Schedules became more complicated with teenagers, but we flexibly enforced Sunday afternoons as family time and, with rare exceptions, expected everyone home for dinners.

I’ve quoted him before, but I still love Matthew Kelly’s concept that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. “No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.” *

Does anyone remember the commercial, “Try it, you’ll like it”? Try family carefree timelessness today. You will like it, even if the eight year old stomps his feet and crosses his arms. Or wait, maybe that was the fifteen year old. Secretly, they’ll love having your focused attention.

Blessings on your week!

*For more information about carefree timelessness and Matthew Kelly visit www.DynamicCatholic.com

Unconditional Love

Welcome to this new Lenten series of 4 Minutes for Growth!

This year we concentrate on the family.

John Powell, S.J., starts us off with his timeless book, Unconditional Love: Love without Limits. I chose this book because unconditional love must be the basis of family life. Though we all fall short at times, loving without preconditions should be our goal—the type of love we continually strive to achieve and maintain. Unconditional love says, “No matter what, I will not reject you. I’m committed to your growth and happiness. I will always love you.”

Powell reminds us that love is not a feeling, but rather a decision and a choice. We choose to place another’s welfare on the same level as, and sometimes even above, our own. By so doing we bring true meaning to our lives. Such meaning, or self-fulfillment, is an elusive quality which we can’t capture by direct pursuit but only attain as a by-product of loving.

Unconditional love says: I will love you, I will encourage you by helping you to be aware of your strengths, and when necessary I will challenge you to grow.

Most times this love will be tender and gentle, but not always. Sometimes unconditional love must be tough love, when truly wanting what is best for someone’s growth and happiness means not giving them what they want, but rather what is essential. A spouse may need to firmly point out a loved one’s self-destructive choices, or a parent will set limits to protect a child who is not ready for the independence he or she demands. A wife might ask her husband to cut back on his time away from home, or a mother might forbid a son to attend a party that “everyone else” is allowed to attend. Love is not unconditional if it weakly allows poor choices in order to avoid uncomfortable confrontation.

However, even tough love is not harsh. Sometimes as parents we think we need to constantly correct in order to assure our children’s proper growth. But a child does not flourish under criticism. Rather, Powell contends:

There is nothing else that can expand the human soul, actualize the human potential for growth, or bring a person into the full possession of life more than a love which is unconditional. […] Unconditional love is liberating. It frees the loved one to be authentic and real.

I think most people would agree that our children deserve unconditional love. We parents know we fall short, but we remain determined to love our children no matter what they do. It gets harder, though, when we turn it around. Shouldn’t we love our parents unconditionally, too? They weren’t perfect, but neither are we. And, even more difficult, what about our siblings? Heaven knows, siblings can find and attack our vulnerabilities. Do I need to love them unconditionally after what they did… or continue to do?

(Apologies to my two brothers. I’m speaking generally here, not specifically. Though I also apologize for when I didn’t treat you with the love I should have.)

Granted, not all family members are healthy to be around. Sadly, some are caustic, and boundaries must be raised in order to protect our emotional well-being. We mustn’t fear that loving another unconditionally will mean losing ourselves. In fact, in order to love another we must first love ourselves, as much as we are able, unconditionally. God has made us and declared us good and he has shown us we are loveable and worthy of the greatest sacrifice. So we come to love others, not out of weakness, but out of strength and awareness of our worth. It would be unloving to allow others to treat us with disrespect.

Yet, for spiritual and emotional health, unconditional love calls us to endeavor to forgive the wrongs of the past, even from a distance. That way, if the family member ever makes changes for the better, we will be ready to reconnect.

God’s word to us in the Bible is full of stories of unconditional love. We read of the prodigal son’s father, who knew unconditional love requires forgiveness and so ran to embrace his son at his penitent return. We believe that Jesus demonstrated unconditional love as he died for our sins and yet bid his Father, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

These are our models for building strong families. We must offer our family a lifetime of striving to love them unconditionally, forgiving them for their mistakes and asking forgiveness for our own, but always trying again to love, encourage, and challenge each other to be the best we each can be.

Next week we will turn to Building Christian Families, by Mitch and Kathy Finley.

Blessings on your first week of Lent!

Man to man about marriage:

My husband George is an amazing spouse! We celebrate 35  years of happy marriage this week, so I invited him to offer advice to men about marriage. Here’s what he had to say:

Respect:

• A woman is a gift of great value to be treasured throughout your life. She is easily the most valuable gift you will ever receive on this earth, and must be treated with respect at all times.
• Be cautious with criticizing her, even in private.
• Never express disappointment about choosing her to be your partner, or comparing her to previous partners, or current acquaintances.
• Never speak as though you’ve had enough, or would ever consider leaving her or ending the relationship.
• When you’ve hurt her (or learned after the fact that you’ve hurt her), apologize. And mean it. Even if you have rationalizations in your head, just go with the apology. Try to understand why she was hurt, even if you don’t think that you would have been in the same situation. Only if you can do it without sounding antagonistic, ask her for advice on what you could have said or done differently to handle the situation.

Careers:

• Don’t ever talk about money as though it were ‘yours’. All money is ‘ours’ in the family, regardless of whose paycheck it comes from.
• Never treat your job as more important than hers, whether you make more money than she does or not.
• If she does take a traditional role in your family, such as at-home mom, remember that she’s doing this by choice for your good and the good of the family, not because she’s any less capable.
• With your children, take care that they realize that her staying home or working away from home are options, and neither is an expected role for women.

Gratitude:

• Thank her for the normal things she does daily for you and the family. Even if you thank her every day for the same things. There should be several times each day when you acknowledge her efforts and thank her:
• When you get up from a meal: “Thank you for dinner!” (And clear your place.)
• When clean clothes appear in your drawers or closet: “Thanks for the clean clothes!” Or when there’s clean laundry on the bed to be folded: “Thanks for doing the laundry!” (Help fold them and put them away, at least your own items.)
• New groceries in the fridge or cabinet: “Thanks for shopping for us!”
• When you notice that a room looks especially nice, tell her so! (But avoid any comparison with past condition.)

Attention:

• Give her a generous hug, at least three times a day. Hold on to her as long as she wants.
• A woman needs to be told that her looks please you. And she needs to hear it frequently. Never just count on her ‘knowing’ that you love how she looks all the time (even if you do). When you notice something nice about her clothes, or hair, or face (or figure!) or whatever, tell her she looks great, or pretty, or nice, or whatever you feel. But don’t force it, or make something up. This shouldn’t be hard; of course you love how she looks! And don’t compare to any previous time (you look better today than yesterday). And don’t say that she looks nice ‘today’ (possibly implying that she doesn’t on other days). But OK to say that she looks ‘especially nice today’.

Communication:

• Don’t tease her by saying something that isn’t true, or isn’t what you mean, as a joke. Don’t make her guess if what you say can reliably be taken at face value, or must be tested for believability before accepting it. It may be funny to you, but never is to her. It’s embarrassing to be made to feel stupid by believing something false that was said in jest.
• Be cautious with other teasing, as well. Preferably don’t tease her about anything! Teasing is never nice, even if she seems to laugh, go along with it, and say that it’s OK. She could fear that there’s a grain of truth in whatever
  you’re teasing her about, whether there is or not (and there often is).
• Talk with her! She loves talking with you, about anything (as long as you’re not the one doing all the talking).
• Listen to her! And pay attention while you do. She needs to know that you’re hearing what she has to say. Ask her, every day, how her day went. And listen while looking at her, not while reading, or checking email, or watching TV. Remember that sometimes she just wants to be heard, and doesn’t want to you offer advice or try to ‘fix’ the things she tells you about. (But be sure that when she does ask you to fix something, you take it seriously!)
• Learn how to disagree (and even express your anger) without raising your voice. A raised voice in a man is a danger signal to a woman. No matter how well she knows you, she may fear being physically or emotionally hurt.
• If not done as part of your marriage preparation, realize that you likely have different methods of resolving conflicts, and that you now need to have a common method. It’s best to have some rules that you discuss when you’re not emotional.
• Never try to make her feel stupid.

Family & Friends:

• Women need family and relationships, much more so than you might. Don’t try to keep her from seeing or communicating with friends or family. And be sure to consider this strongly in decisions about where you’ll live or what job you’ll take.
• Never complain about your wife to friends or family.
• Never embarrass her in front of the children, or anyone.
• Make an effort to compliment her in front of others, and say how proud you are of her, for whatever reason that you are. Or what you like about her, or why your treasure her.

The Future

• Realize that you both brought dreams, goals, hopes, and desires to your relationship. Some of those now need to be subjugated to hers, and to the higher dreams and goals of the relationship. When you marry, you agree that your personal priorities will change to support your joint relationship. You don’t need to give up everything, just realize that some things may not be possible right away, and that some may no longer be appropriate.
• Ask her what her dreams and goals are, and what she’d like to see in the relationship. And then, simply listen, and listen some more.

Betty here: Didn’t I tell you he is an amazing guy? Some of these recommendations come naturally to him and some we’ve learned the hard way, over the years.

Ladies, be careful how you show this to your husband so that he doesn’t feel criticized! Maybe instead, thank him for how he currently shows his love for you. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!

Blessings on your week!

Carefree Timelessness

Welcome back to our 4 Minutes 4 Growth. I hope you shared a discussion of hopes and dreams with someone you love.

Would you like to feel even closer to that someone?

Matthew Kelly writes that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.

When have we experienced carefree timelessness in our lives?

Remember when we first met the love of our life and how easily the hours could pass spent in one another’s company? Conversations were easy and fun. We could share a lengthy visit in person or on the phone without running out of topics to cover, not because we needed to exchange information, simply because we enjoyed the time together.

Think of how, as a teen, you could spend hours talking on the phone. Now teens can connected by both phone and computer. But if you ask them what they talked about they’ll still  shrug and say, “Nothing much,” like we did to our parents.

Or remember how close you felt to the people who shared your last vacation? Our walks along the beach, hikes on forest trails, or easy games of Frisbee didn’t accomplish concrete goals, but rather social and relational ones. We relaxed. We realized how much we value the people close to us.

Sadly, our busy-ness today is an enemy of growing intimacy and deepening relationships. There’s a recent trend in the work place that employees don’t take all the vacation time they accrue. What a lost opportunity to share with our families that down time that seems so simple and yet draws us so close.

Maybe due to our tightened belts we take “stay-cations” and don’t leave home. Yet, if we don’t leave our day-to-day responsibilities behind, we risk taking on yard or home projects to accomplish, rather than refreshing our spirits.

And oh, dear, our Sabbaths suffer. Given to us as a gift from our Creator to help us renew ourselves weekly, Sundays instead become a work day to cram in what we think we must accomplish before the next week begins: laundry, homework, unfinished office work, or shopping. Sabbaths are meant for renewal of ourselves and our relationships.

Our lives find their meaning in our relationships. Ask the people lying in the hospital, soon to leave this earth what made their lives important. It’s the people who stand at their bedside, the people they’ve loved or served, who are the monuments to their existence. The lives they’ve touched and improved give testimony to their accomplishments more than their promotions or patents.

Yes, we need to work, and our employment is an opportunity to minister to the world by how we behave or what we produce. However, our love will survive us and influence the world more profoundly.

There’s a country song, “She Thinks We’re Just Fishin’,” which portrays a dad realizing the times he spends fishing with his little girl are moments they both will remember and treasure. Go “fishing” with someone important to you!

I know one dad who jogs with each of his young adult children when they get together. I can imagine the interesting conversations caught between breaths. Another father sets aside Sunday afternoons to call each of his grown daughters, simply to catch up and stay connected. One friend never listens to music while driving her children, preferring the spontaneous conversations that seem easier when not sitting face to face. I remember my mother suggesting window-shopping walks downtown at night after our small town stores had closed. I don’t recall any life-changing conversations, but those walks told me she valued our time together, when time was a scarce commodity for a single mother.

So, this week’s homework: Spend a little carefree time with someone you love. No agenda, no goals to meet. Simply relish the moments together. Call a friend. Write a letter. Take a walk with one of your children and focus on him or her and the joy of sharing time. Play a game, not to win or teach, but for fun.

If you’d really like to test the parameters of this tool to intimacy, spend some carefree timelessness with God. Visit the Blessed Sacrament in perpetual adoration chapels, or sit in an easy chair near a window and turn your attention to him. Recognize you are in his presence always and everywhere. Chat with him. And listen.

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

“What are your hopes and dreams?”

Recently my husband and I listened to spirituality speaker and author Matthew Kelly’s recording, The Seven Levels of Intimacy. To briefly list them:

1. Clichés – “How are you?” “Fine, thanks.” We use these to socialize, but they can draw us closer or be used to keep people at a distance.
2. Facts – “I see your team won yesterday.” Again, these interactions can enhance or block increased intimacy.
3. Opinions – These open us to greater sharing, but are fraught with danger. People think they need to convince others to their opinions.
4. Hopes and Dreams – Nothing is more fulfilling than chasing down a dream, or more satisfying than helping someone live their dreams. Sharing hopes and dreams enhances intimacy.
5. Feelings – Knowing our feelings, being comfortable about them, expressing them in the right place, at the right time, to the right person. Contrary to what our culture thinks, love isn’t based on understanding, but rather on acceptance. Some feelings aren’t meant to be understood, only accepted.
6. Fears, Faults, & Failures – These drive us away from the best versions of ourselves and from intimacy. Do you know your fears? Do you know the fears of those around you? When people allow themselves to be vulnerable and express these, powerful intimacy grows.
7. Legitimate Needs – Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual – God gave us these clues to help us thrive. Eat well, exercise, sleep regularly, give focus and priority to relationships, read great books, and finally value silence, solitude, scriptures, and sacraments. You never can get enough of what you don’t need; you only can get enough of what you need. Focus on helping each other achieve legitimate needs and you will grow close.

Driving in the car (the kind of captive-conversation situation that I love but makes my husband groan), we asked each other, “What are your hopes and dreams?”

We are both in a stage of life where many of our dreams have been accomplished. Our children are grown and leading productive lives. My husband is doing well at work, recognized for his abilities. Thanks to his work, we’ve traveled to some amazing places together. I’ve met my goal of having a book published, and recently a second. We’ve lived to delight in a grandchild and are anticipating a second in May.

We feel very grateful for all we’ve accomplished and been blessed with, but it was nice to realize we aren’t finished with dreams. We still have hopes for our “someday.” Hearing each other talk about them drew us closer, and created a sense of excitement. We realized we still have adventures ahead of us, and as a team we can help each other move toward our individual goals. Two of my dreams are to vastly reduce what I own, and to finance a well for a community in need of clean water.

What are your hopes and dreams? Have you taken time lately to think about them? Have you talked to your spouse or soul mate about them? (Maybe one of your goals is to find a soul mate!) Do you know what your “significant other” hopes and dreams about? How about your children? Our intimacy will deepen if we talk to each other about our dreams. It will skyrocket if we work to help each other to achieve them!

So, homework:

1. Ask yourself what hopes and dreams you have for your future. Write them down. Pick one you can start working on. What’s the first step? Take it this week!
2. Ask your beloved or your children what dreams they have for the years ahead. Matthew recommends couples keep a shared notebook of their hopes and dreams, reviewing it often and discussing it together. What could you start working on together this week?

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

Heal the Heartache of Divorce

For anyone who has suffered through divorce and would like to heal through their faith, I highly recommend Rose Sweet’s A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce. I think it would be applicable to men, too. Though the book holds much more wisdom, here are some excerpts from the ends of the first few chapters where the author asks,

“What does our fear say?” and, “What does our faith say?”

On this solemn Good Friday, day of Jesus’ passion, remember Joy is coming!

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

Fair Fighting

During this week of our Lord’s passion to redeem our weaknesses and faults, I thought it might be fitting to offer some insights about fair fighting. Read through these and, with your spouse, choose what your disagreement rules will be. Or write your own!

Fight like the world’s happiest couples from The Exceptional 7 Percent by Gregory K. Popcak:

• The argument must move things along to a mutually satisfying solution. Unhealthy if it never resolves anything.
• There are certain lines the couple simply doesn’t cross no matter how heated their discussion gets. Disallow anything that makes one defensive or quickly escalates the argument.
• Maintain your own dignity. No matter how crazy you think your spouse is acting, you must be able to be proud of your own conduct at the end of the day.
• In the couple’s overall relationship, there is a five to one ratio of positivity to negativity. You must be five times more complimentary than critical.
• Is this an argument worth having? Know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. Is it about something that will stop you fulfilling your values, ideals, or goals?
• Begin with the end in mind. What do I need to know from my spouse to feel better about this problem? What do I think needs to happen so we can avoid this in the future? What changes will I have to make to solve this problem?
• Take time outs to cool down if necessary. If you start to think your spouse is the problem, take a break to think more lovingly.
• When things heat up, practice “red hot loving” by doing something loving for your mate—a touch, compliment, or service that reminds you both you are partners in problem solving.
• Look for the positive intention behind your spouse’s negative behavior and work with spouse to find more respectful alternatives to meet needs.
• Never show contempt whether gesture or words. This always escalates the disagreement. One of the worst acts of contempt is threatening divorce. It undermines your spouse’s ability to trust you, damages the security of your relationship, and offends the dignity of your marriage.
• Don’t nag. Solve! Set a deadline for something to get done and if it doesn’t, call for help to get it done or do it yourself as an act of love. Your spouse’s help is a gift that should be freely given but, like any gift, you have no right to demand it.
• Don’t parent each other. Never deny what your spouse wants to do, but freely negotiate the how and when.
• L.O.V.E. Look for the positive intention. Omit contempt. Verify what was meant. Encourage each other throughout the conflict.

Judith Viorst suggests rules of engagement for fighting in Grown-Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married:

• Never irretrievably lose it. Refrain from physical violence, intimidation, or coercion, as well as remembering words can damage the heart and soul. All of us have the capacity to choose to exert some restraint, to choose to control ourselves.
• Keep in mind that we probably won’t always feel the way we currently feel.
• Accept responsibility when we’re responsible.
• Don’t practice psychiatry on our spouse without a license. Or even if we do, in fact, have a license.
• If possible, try to laugh.
• Don’t wait too long before saying what is bothering us to avoid getting meaner as our grievances are bottled up.
• Know in advance what you want from the fight. “I’m upset; here’s why I’m upset; here’s what I want.”
• No fair reproaching our spouse with, “If you really loved me…”
• Stick to the point and stick to the present. Don’t draw on the past and on every other grievance you’ve ever had.
• Never attack an Achilles heel. We know each other’s most sensitive vulnerabilities. Attacking them may be forgiven but probably not forgotten.
• Don’t overstate your injuries.
• Don’t overstate your threats. Ultimatums might backfire.
• Don’t cite authority, “everybody says,” or the latest magazine article.
• Don’t just talk; we have to listen, too.
• Respect the feelings as well as the facts.
• Sometimes simply agree to disagree.
• When finished fighting, don’t continue to snipe.
• Compromise rather than going for a win. How can we win if the person we love the most loses?

Let’s review John Gottman and Nan Silver’s recommendations from Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last:

• At a most basic level, we all want love and respect in a relationship.
• Complaints are specific and about one behavior. They can enhance a relationship if spouses are open to growth.
• Criticism, on the other hand, attacks the person.
• Contempt attacks the person with an intent to hurt.
• Defensiveness, or the poor-me stance, relinquishes our ability to accept the challenge of self improvement for the sake of the ones we love.
• De-escalate a disagreement by reaffirming your admiration for your spouse, interjecting healthy humor, touching affectionately, stepping back to make a comment about your current feelings, or trying to look at things from your spouse’s point of view.
• When we want to turn our backs (stonewall) is when we must keep turning back toward each other.

And from the greatest Source, two Bible verses to ponder:

• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)
• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

Throughout Lent we strive to improve ourselves. May we also improve our relationships so our example brings grace to all who know us.

PS – On Friday I will offer an additional post particularly for those who have suffered the heartbreak of divorce.

How can our marriages become exceptional?

In this week’s book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples by Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, the author discusses a continuum of marriage types from weakest to strongest.

Deadly Marriages:

In Chaotic marriages, both husband and wife are bent on self-destruction in an attempt to escape, either from their past or from the world as it is.

In Codependent marriages, one is bent on self destruction and the other is determined to save the partner.

 If either of these two deadly marriages lead the couple to learn to demand basic safety and financial security from their lives and relationships, they can grow to become more functional but will focus on survival rather than love as in the following group:

Shipwrecked marriages are all about staying afloat. They may be

Materialistic, where they value financial security above all else. In these the husband is often neglectful or controlling while the wife is dependent.

Or Safety marriages, where the wife with a traumatic past chooses a nice, quiet man to avoid conflict and pursue a stress-free life.

Or Rescue marriages where both spouses fled traumatic childhoods. They are happy to have survived, and don’t ask for more.

If they do learn to expect more from life,

find meaningful roles or work,

learn to meet their own needs, rather than rely on spouse,

learn to relate to their mate,

AND challenge their addiction to comfort in the relationship, they may move to:

Conventional Marriages which are built to support and maintain a couple’s place in world. In a conventional marriage:

• Both spouses are relatively sure of their own ability to provide for at least basic needs.
• Both have found personally meaningful work or social roles to play.
• Both have at least a casual identification with or membership in some significant “values group,” for example churches or organizations. They use their membership to sharpen their self concept and clarify the values that are   important to them.
• Both have negotiated at least the most basic communication differences between men and women.
• Here  love is warm and comfortable but the number one threat is growing apart. Other problems include domestic scorekeeping (whose turn it is to do what and how much is fair) and marital chicken (you change first). Most marriages in this category are moderately stable and moderately satisfying. With work, they can become:

Exceptional Marriages

These marriages make up only 7 % of first time married couples and 7% of remarried couples. The first stage is:

Partnership Marriages which are primarily concerned with pursuing and increasing personal competence. This pursuit allows:

• Egalitarianism. No job is off limits for either spouse. A 100/100 partnership keeps them from 50/50 mentality.
• True intimacy, because no matter how much they give to the marriage they know they will not be taken for granted. They see each other as their best hope for becoming the people they want to be by the end of their lives, by helping each other grow in identity strength and move toward actualization of their shared spiritual values, moral ideals and emotional goals.
• Rapport and negotiation. The intense interest in and sharing each other’s worlds tend to remove the last barriers to communication.

To move up, partnership marriages must develop a truly spiritual sexuality and exhibit a willingness to make financial sacrifices, setting serious limits on anything that distracts them from actualizing their value system. Then they may find themselves part of a

Spiritual Peer Marriage whose marital theme is the pursuit of intimacy, simplification, and actualization. These couples are a joyful, living breathing example of their particular value system. These couples hold common traits:

• Simplification – they are off the fast track, having discovered deeper values.
• Competence – both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life
• Egalitarianism over equality – they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.
• Each other’s best friends, they have virtually no secrets from each other, and have achieved a level of spiritual sexuality that is truly enviable.
• As in Maslow’s definition of self actualized – They are accepting of themselves and others, are at peace when life becomes unpredictable, are spontaneous and creative, have a good sense of humor, value their privacy, can take care of themselves, are capable of deeply intimate relationships, and have an open, positive attitude about life.

How can our marriages become exceptional?

1. Design a marital imperative – an internalized set of values, ideals, and goals which must guide and clarify every action and decision of your life. Then every interaction—pleasant or unpleasant—between you and your spouse becomes another opportunity to pursue those very principles and qualities you hold most dear.

Work to improve in the areas exceptional couples excel in:

2. Exceptional Fidelity, the promise to “forsake all others,” includes all those friendships, family-of-origin commitments, career opportunities, and community involvements that do not serve to increase either the physical and mental health of each spouse or the intimacy of the marriage.

3. Exceptional Love is a calling. They do loving things for their mate every day, whether or not they feel like it and whether or not their mate “deserves” it.

4. Exceptional Mutual service is valued more than “fairness” or sharply defined roles and responsibilities. Each actively looks for opportunities to serve and nurture their mate, creating a dance of competence that enables chores and other domestic responsibilities to be passed back and forth gracefully, and accomplished efficiently.

5. Exceptional Rapport becomes the result of overcoming both their basic gender and personality differences, allowing them to achieve an enviable level of understanding and in their relationships.

6. Exceptional Negotiation – All needs are respected and met—even when a partner’s need is not completely understood. That your need will be met is never called into question; the only topic of debate is, “What is the most efficient, respectful means by which your need can be met?”

7. Exceptional Gratitude – Every service—no matter how common or simple—is viewed as an active expression of love to be noted and appreciated.

8. Exceptional Joy – An ability to play and be joyful together. They look for new interests to share and work to share in the interests they already have. They make time to be together, work at being present to each other, and actively seek ways to ease each other’s burdens.

9. Exceptional Sexuality – They view sex as something they are. For them, lovemaking is not an activity or a performance; it is a total self-gift, a symbol and expression of all that is good about themselves and their relationship. It is a spiritually active way to connect with the Divine.

What more could we want than to connect with the Divine through our marriage? May your marriage continue to grow and bring you closer to God.

Blessings on your week!

Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

We’re going to shift gears a bit this week. Maybe you’ve tried to get your spouse to read a relationship book, an article, or even these posts and have met with resistance. Maybe each time you get excited about improving some aspect of your marriage your “other half” maintains things are just fine the way they are.

For many spouses, your desire to make your relationship better implies it isn’t good enough now, which further implies failure. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny tackle this challenge in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

 Points from the blurb of the book:

• “Love is not about better communication. It’s about connection.”
• “You’ll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you talk to your girlfriends.”
• “Male emotions are like women’s sexuality: you can’t be too direct too quickly.”
• “There are 4 ways to connect with a man: touch, activity, sex, routine.
• “When men feel connected, they talk more.”

The authors find that talking about feelings and intimate issues doesn’t come naturally to most men. Instead, it heightens their anxieties and can cause them to withdraw. If you find this to be the case in your marriage, the authors have many suggestions to help.

They acknowledge that women bring one set of fears to their relationships, typically fear of isolation, harm, or deprivation. So we talk in order to reconnect and soothe away our fears.

But men tend to bring their own fears to the table, including a hidden sense of shame, inadequacy, and failure. And when women try to talk their way into connection by expressing their vulnerabilities, the men feel that they have failed the women for not protecting them from their fears. Typically men respond to this sense of failure by withdrawing, in order to escape the fears. As the men withdraw, the women feel disconnected and push to reconnect with words. Then the men withdraw more.

So we tend to exacerbate each other’s fears, rather than reassure each other.

Among the worst things a woman can do to a man is to criticize him—or behave in a way that can be construed as critical, even if not intended.

Among the worst things a man can do to a woman is to leave her feeling alone, whether concretely—alone at home or alone in bed—or abstractly—alone outside his depression or alone with her dreams or fears.

If we are left wallowing in our fears, we become vulnerable to infidelity. When we become infatuated with someone, chemical changes in our bodies make men feel more confident and women feel more connected. Simultaneously, our sense of shame decreases, which can lead us into poor decisions. Be forewarned, allowing private or secret time with someone who sparks our infatuation will permit the chemistry to lead to an affair.

Instead, Stosny and Love encourage us all to decide what our core values are and then to enhance them by

• improving a little bit in that area,
• appreciating our partner,
• connecting by genuinely caring about our partner’s emotional state,
• and protecting our beloved—
  • helping a husband relieve his dread of failure as a provider, lover, protector and father and
  • helping a wife relieve her fear of isolation, deprivation, and harm.

If you are a woman who is feeling resentful, angry, anxious, or afraid and your partner is not helping, he is trying to avoid feeling shame. Your anxiety increases his sense of inadequacy or failure. Use a physical gesture, a touch, to show that you’re with your husband. Be available to do something he’s good at. This replaces his sense of failure with competence. Honor a man’s need for routine and by doing so, help him feel loved and connected. He doesn’t know how to say it, so he tries to show you that you are what gives meaning to his life. Remember, your words can destroy him.

If you are a man who is feeling resentful, angry, sulky or withdrawn and your wife is not helping, she is feeling anxious. Your irritation increases her fear. Instead, be there, in her emotion, with her. Don’t try to fix her problems. Incorporate small gestures of connection like hugs or kisses or focused attention to her into your daily routine.

The authors say the bottom line is to think connection, rather than communication. We must protect each other from our respective vulnerabilities to fear and shame.

Both men and women must replace resentment with compassion. We need binocular vision – to see every upsetting time from both our and our partner’s point of view. Then we must respond to the anxiety, rather than the situation content.

Ask yourself, how do I make it hard for my spouse to give me what I want? (How do I increase my beloved’s fears?) How could I make it easier?

Generally, the authors say we must “step into the puddle.” Tune into the emotional state of the other. Imagine it. Try to feel it. It will be uncomfortable, but don’t respond with defensiveness.

Approach rather than either avoiding or attacking.

Here are a few concrete suggestions they offer:

1. Fix your partner firmly in your heart 4 times a day – upon waking, before leaving home, returning, and before sleep.
2. Hug 6 times for at least 6 seconds per day. This is said to increase serotonin (a calming neurotransmitter).
3. Hold positive thoughts about your relationship for 10 seconds as often as possible.
4. Make a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity.
5. When you make a mistake, recognize it, feel remorse for it, and repair it.
6. Finally, a nightly embrace – “allow the warmth of the embrace to wash out every sliver of fear and shame.”

And so doing, create love beyond words.