The Gift of Holy Saturday

Have you ever asked yourself what Holy Saturday is all about? We know the gift of Good Friday – that Jesus suffered and died for us so that we can experience forgiveness now and joy with Him in Heaven. And we understand the gift of Easter – that Jesus rose from the dead, and in so doing, conquered death’s hold over us so that we might rise again, too.

So, what is the gift of Holy Saturday?

Imagine what the disciples must have felt like on Saturday. Surely on Friday they were numb and couldn’t believe what had happened. But Saturday came and they had to admit Jesus had died. All their hopes for a better life must have died with Him. Jesus—who was so charismatic, so good, so filled with potential, who was going to lead them into a new kingdom—had agonized and then breathed His last on the cross.

Think of the women who followed Him and hadn’t been able to embalm His body on Friday. Now on Saturday they were not allowed to do so because of the Sabbath. So, they were left with no way to show Him their devotion, no opportunity to pay tribute to His body. No work to distract themselves from their loss.

I’ve been there, haven’t you? When all your hopes have been destroyed and you realize your dreams will not be realized. Perhaps when someone you love has died? It takes time to process your loss. Your mind doesn’t want to accept the pain and pushes it away in denial. We want to blame someone, and often God takes the brunt of our anger. We are where Lazarus’ sister was when she said, “Lord, if you had been here our brother wouldn’t have died!” We are where Jesus was when He said, “Father, why have You abandoned me?”

Yet, at some point in your Holy Saturday experience, you realize a phase of your life is over, and you must bear the loss and go on.

I think the gift of Holy Saturday is that even when we are at our lowest, and everything seems hopeless, and even when we can’t feel God is near, He is. When we are in that dark pit, alone and desolate and frightened, He is there. When we are “going through Hell,” we can know the Son of God has been there, too. There is no depth we can sink to, where He hasn’t been.

Jesus taught us how to make it through the Holy Saturday loss when, though He felt abandoned, He said, “Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit.” He showed us God still exists, even when we can’t feel Him, and we can trust and place ourselves in His hands.

Yes, He could have risen on Saturday morning. Yes, He could give us everything we want right when we want it. But then we wouldn’t be given the gift of being able to say, “God, I can’t feel You here. I can’t understand what has happened. I’d give anything to change it, and I don’t know why You allowed it. Still, I believe in You. I know, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, You love me. And I know you are all powerful. So even if I can’t have what I want, I trust You that you know what I need, and You want to shower me with goodness.”

It takes time to get to the point of being able to say this and mean it, all while enduring intense pain. But that’s the gift of Saturday, Time. And because we now know that Jesus did rise and our God isn’t dead, the gift of Saturday is Hope. Because of that Saturday and what happened next, we now can trust that a Sunday will come and with it, the resurrection of all that is good.

Now as Lent draws to an end and we prepare to celebrate Easter, this celebration of new life, let’s resolve to choose life.

Choose gratitude, rather than complaints.

Choose simplicity over materialism and complexity.

Choose relaxation and renewal over busyness.

Choose trust, rather than insecurity.

Choose service, rather than meaningless pursuits.

Choose life!

Choose love!

May all your Saturdays of Despair be followed by Sundays of Life! And may your choices lead you to Joy!

Choose life!

You’ve made it to the final entry of Lent in our search for Joy!

One last author that I recommend you consider: Matthew Kelly is a 30-year-old Catholic who travels the world speaking to young and old about God’s dream for each of us: that we become the best version of ourselves.

He says we are physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual beings and that life is all about love. To be truly happy we must pay attention to our needs in these four areas:

• Physical – Eat healthy foods, sleep enough, and exercise regularly.
• Emotional – Focus on our relationships. Every relationship will blossom if we regularly spend carefree timelessness with the other, whether spouse, friend, or children. With time spent as if on vacation, we will move into the higher levels of intimacy like sharing our hopes and dreams, our fears and needs, and our efforts to become the best version of ourselves.
• Intellectual – For ten minutes every day, read a book that challenges you to grow.
• Spiritual – Our spirits need solitude, scripture, silence, and the sacraments. Matthew recommends we attend to Mass, asking God to show us just one way we can become better versions of ourselves this week. Somewhere in the readings, music, prayers, homily, or silence, we will be given that one message.

Matthew insists we all know deep down what will make us happy and better people. Yet, we don’t do what we know will make us happier and healthier. Why?

Because we are too busy.

What are we too busy doing? Working to attain things that we want, thinking they will make us happier. Instead, we should do the things he lists above, the things we need.

Things that really will make us happier.

He recommends we slow down enough to determine every decision by whether it will help us be better versions of ourselves. What we own does not matter. What matters is how we love – ourselves, the people in our lives, and our God.

When my daughters were in grade school we celebrated the approach of Easter with a poster that began with a caterpillar and a seed. Over the weeks of Lent the caterpillar grew through stages of development until it was a butterfly. Likewise the seed sprouted two leaves, a stem, a bud, and eventually flowered.

Now as Lent draws to an end and we prepare to celebrate Easter, the celebration of new life, let’s resolve to choose life.

• Choose gratitude, rather than complaints. 
• Choose simplicity over materialism and complexity.
• Choose relaxation and renewal over busy-ness.
• Choose trust, rather than insecurity.
• Choose service, rather than meaningless pursuits.
• Choose life!
• Choose love!

 And may your choices lead you to Joy!

 Happy Easter!

 Betty Arrigotti

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants,   by loving the LORD your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him. Deuteronomy 30:19-20

For more information, including books and cds see www.matthewkelly.org

Service and Meaning

Let’s look at another path to Joy.

Viktor Frankl writes in Man’s Ultimate Search for Meaning that we all search to bring meaning to our lives. Some achieve it through doing or creating: an act of heroism, a painting, a garden, or a novel. Some discover meaning through relationships, by loving deeply and well. But most rewarding according to Frankl are those who, facing the unchangeable like suffering or pain, change themselves for the better.

Author Matthew Kelly writes in his book,  A Call to Joy, “Suffering puts us in touch with what is really important. Sacrifice spells out our commitment and confirms our love.”

Frankl says of a person who grows through life’s challenges, “He is actualizing himself precisely to the extent to which he is forgetting himself, and he is forgetting himself by giving himself, be it through serving a cause higher than himself, or loving a person other than himself.”

Jesuit priest Fr. Robert Spitzer speaks about  four levels of happiness.

1. Satisfaction of the senses, the moments when we are enjoying tastes, sounds, aromas, sights or sensations. It is a low level, because it is transitory and self-focused.
2. Comparative advantage – you feel better than another. Competitors understand this elusive happiness.
3. Seeing good in others and doing good for others.
4. A reach for fullness or perfection through the pursuit of goodness, beauty, truth and love.

“We get glimpses of the sublime nature of beauty, truth and goodness at rare moments in, perhaps, the arts (music, story, film) or nature, or when we are loved by or love others.’  But for lasting happiness of this level Spitzer says, “Only God in Jesus is perfect and, according to Christians, our ultimate happiness is found in relationship with God through Jesus (prayer, obedience to his teachings etc.) who overcame sin (separation from God).”

Frankl, Kelly, and Spitzer concur that one way to truly feel you are making a difference is by being of service to others. I watch the generation above mine and am humbled by their acts of service. My mother is approaching a major milestone birthday (beyond typical retirement age) and still is secretary for several organizations and serves her parish daily. My husband’s parents have also lived lives of service, from St. Vincent de Paul to Scouts, from backstage management to helping children with reading difficulties.

That’s fine, we might say, for people who are retired and have time, but how can I possibly add one more thing to my busy life?

They started early. Their retirement years are simply continuations of earlier years of service.

However, service doesn’t have to be a large commitment of time. In fact, you are probably already of service and just haven’t realized it. Every parent serves the needs of little ones. And every adult child can help her parents or his siblings. Beyond family, you might take a friend out for coffee, knowing they needed a chance to talk, or watch your neighbor’s children while she goes to a doctor appointment. Look at all the small services you do for people, and acknowledge the spirit of service within you. Focusing on that spirit, rather than feeling taken for granted, can shift our attitude and put us solidly on the road to Joy.

Remember that old bumper sticker, “Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty?” It only takes a minute to get a second cup of coffee to share. Or to put away laundry for someone who needs to study for a final. Or to take on a task for a coworker who is swamped. Share small moments of your time if you can’t spend a weekly evening or Saturday helping out.

Of course, there are many opportunities for more formal service to the wider community. Short term commitments offer us a chance to experiment with using different skills and might even help us determine a new direction in our lives. You could discover a talent at carpentry while working for Habitat for Humanity. You might find you are a natural with teenagers or coordinating groups or understanding spreadsheets. Or maybe you will reconnect with old talents that have gone rusty by helping with a school play or teaching Girl Scouts about vegetable gardens. If you have no idea what a new interest might be, or how you best can serve, these short term commitments can be invaluable experience.

Perhaps, though, you are seeking a long term direction for service. If you are looking for a vocation, whether through a career or apart from the work you do, I recommend you take the advice of Parker Palmer in The Heart of a Teacher,

“When I follow only the oughts, I may find myself doing work that is ethically laudable but not mine to do. A vocation that is not mine, no matter how externally valued, does violence to the self—in the precise sense that it violates my identity and integrity on behalf of some abstract norm. […] In contrast to the strained and even violent concept of vocation as an ought, Frederick Buechner offers a more generous and humane image of vocation as ‘the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.’ […] The best inward sign of vocation is deep gladness. ”

Matthew Kelly agrees.  “In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the world, there is a whisper in the marketplace. The whisper is the voice of God. He is calling to you. He is beckoning to you. He is gently inviting you to a quiet place, and His call is a call to joy.”

May you hear His call and follow it to your joy!

Betty Arrigotti

Simplicity

Simple Joy

Teachers of both Western and Eastern spirituality concur that one path to Joy is Simplicity.

Isn’t there something universally attractive about those who value simplicity? Think of the Amish, St. Francis of Assisi, the pioneers who fit what they needed into a covered wagon, the Native American culture, the self-sufficient monastic abbeys, or Mother Theresa.

I value simplicity, but I don’t yet live it. My house is cluttered with meaningful things— that is— things that I have attached meaning to. I want flowers in my yard that were favorites of certain loved ones and souvenirs on my shelves to remind me of travels or my girls’ childhoods. I take photos to mark every occasion and think of my boxes of books as old friends.

It is fine to enjoy the memories which our items inspire, but if we give too much meaning to things, they can become too important. Global awareness forces us to realize our abundance causes others scarcity. One element of simplicity is remaining detached from our possessions so that we can share and give away to those in need. The less we own, the less time we must devote to the care of our possessions. That time would be better spent in a myriad of ways: prayer, our own refreshment, pursuit of our life passion, or enjoyment of our loved ones.

That leads me to another break with Simplicity that impedes our Joy, Busy-ness.

Today’s culture declares we must always be busy, always productive, always struggling to catch up with the best. Even though technology advances were expected to provide us with more time for enjoyment, in fact, men and women are working longer hours. A generation or two ago women generally spent their days focused on family life while men focused on financially supporting the family. Now we are all expected to balance and even excel at homemaking, family life, fitness, and volunteering, as well as a career.

Granted, most people need to keep working full time and in this economy we feel blessed to have work. Beyond work commitments, we all want to see our children learning extra-curricular skills like sports and music. And our communities and churches rely on our volunteering. So we are all exhausted. An annual two-week vacation (laptops at the ready) is not enough.

God knew that. He told us that. He said we need a day every week to rest, get refreshed, and have time with our families and friends and time to know Him better. It’s one of the 10 Commandments and yet we seem to think it isn’t an important one. He asks us to keep holy the Lord’s Day reminding us, “The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath.” Mark 2:27

Without rest, where is our balance? If your neighbor or good friend were sick and needed some help, would you have the time? Where is the time to be creative, to nourish ourselves, to play, and to pray? How can we grow in faith, or for that matter, closer to our loved ones without time to visit and share our experiences?

We need to incorporate respite into our lives. We need to retreat into the mountains or out to the desert to pray, like Jesus did. Nature and relaxation refresh our souls. But our spirits also require time every day in order to get our priorities straight. We need to live with a sense of mindfulness, not chaos, focused on what we are doing. The whole pattern of our day needs to center on God as an integral part of our lives. We NEED daily prayer.

What can we do today to simplify our lives and rededicate them to what is important? We’ll need to be brave enough to say, “No,” when careful consideration tells us that “no” is the right answer. Let’s finish the commitments we’ve made that are important but be very careful before making new ones. Unimportant commitments we can let go of right away. Does the yard really need more flowers or does the organization I belong to really need one more activity? Does the club reduce already scarce time with my family? Do my children really need to participate in sports they don’t like? How much TV is too much?

We could, if we were very brave, go further. Is this house more space than we really use? Do we need this many cars? What would happen if I cut back on my hours at work? Or the work I bring home from work? Can we change our lifestyle?

The path to Simplicity will be different for each of us but it will surely shorten the road to Joy.

Blessings on your week and on your reassessment of your lifestyle.

Betty Arrigotti

Forgiveness

            We can’t experience complete joy if we feel either betrayed or guilty. In both cases, healing won’t be complete until we forgive and are forgiven. The two are connected.

In the New Testament we find:

• Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. Mark 11:25-26, Matthew 6:14-15
• Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
• And the Our Father: Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Matthew 6:12

            Why does Jesus tell us to forgive? Is it to add another burden to our struggle? No, He wants us to be happy and we cannot be fully at peace when we are angry with someone and feeling a grudge. Does our grudge hurt the person we hold it against? Perhaps, but sometimes they aren’t even aware of it. Instead we are the ones burdened by the negativity. If we nurture the hurt and lick our wounds, the negativity grows and embitters us.

Forgiving seems to be a prerequisite to being forgiven. Our lack of forgiveness keeps us from receiving God’s forgiveness. Not because God wants us to go first and won’t “play” until we follow His rules, but because our negativity blocks the bounty of graces He longs to pour onto us. Bitterness cannot occupy the soul at the same time as God’s grace.

If we truly accept and appreciate and believe God forgives us, our spirits are so filled, so en-lightened, that we have no need of grudges. Bitterness simply won’t fit, won’t coexist with our cleansed spirit.

How can we, while knowing how good God is to forgive our mistakes and even our deliberate wrongdoing, not offer the same to others?

We are human and it’s hard to forgive people who have hurt us, even when they sincerely apologize. But isn’t it much harder to forgive people who aren’t sorry, who either don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong, feel completely justified in what they did, or simply don’t care? I really struggle with that. Why should I forgive when they don’t ask me for forgiveness or even show any sorrow?

Because not forgiving hurts me. Negativity finds its foothold and hangs on. God doesn’t want us to be slaves to our feelings so He asks us to let go. I don’t believe He means we should trust the other person as if the injury never happened. We are still allowed to protect ourselves, if need be, by being cautious around that person and maintaining boundaries that keep us from falling victim again. But we must refuse to let the person have the power over us of destroying our peace and our journey toward Joy.

How can we forgive others?

• Decide to forgive and then refuse to dwell on the injury when it comes to mind. 
• Be mindful of our own weaknesses and mistakes and God’s mercy. Ask Him to give us the grace to forgive.
• Consider the other’s challenges that affected the behavior. Was his childhood difficult? Did she have a hard day? Maybe he is struggling to do the best he can.
• Pray for the offender. Ask for God to heal her. Put the trouble in God’s hands and then let go.
• Actively seek out and focus on the offender’s strengths and goodness.

How can we forgive ourselves?

When God forgives us we need to forgive ourselves and let go of our guilt. We should still remember our wrongdoing and let that memory protect us as we work to avoid the temptation or the decisions that brought us to our sin. But if we don’t let go of the shame, it shows we don’t truly believe God forgave us.

Jesus knew our nature and so provided us with a very concrete experience of forgiveness, saying to his apostles: “If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.” John 20:23, Matthew 16:19, 18:18

Those words became the Sacrament of Reconciliation, celebrated in churches around the world all year but in a special way during Lent. Parishes sponsor Reconciliation Services that bring a communal element to the process of examining our lives to become aware of our faults, confessing them to one who represents God, and hearing from that representative that we are forgiven.

Bringing the spiritual into a ceremony can help us realize how very real the spiritual is. God gives us the opportunity to concretely experience His forgiveness and mercy. The priest-representative is solid, his words of forgiveness are audible, and our sense of being a member of His community is reinforced.

I’ve always dreaded “going to confession.” Human nature makes us reluctant to admit to another that we’ve been wrong. However, I can tell you I look forward to the lightness of Spirit I always feel after receiving God’s absolution—His cleansing forgiveness—through the priest.

Go to a Reconciliation Service during Lent if your church offers one. If not, and you have trouble letting go of shame or guilt, I urge you to speak to a representative of your faith community who can help you truly accept that God is a forgiving Father, just like the prodigal (extravagantly wasteful) son’s father in Jesus’ parable, who rushes out to meet the errant son with open arms when he returns home.

God’s arms are open and waiting for you.

Prayers and blessings on your week,

Betty Arrigotti

“The idea of forgiveness is clearly an essential element of Jesus’ spirituality. […] Forgiveness of others’ injuries stamps our spirituality as genuine and authentic. Not to be forgiving reduces our spirituality to a merely human imitation of the real thing.” Girzone, Joseph (1995). Never Alone: A Personal Way to God. Doubleday Image. p94.

“It might seem nearly impossible to forgive your family for some of the things they did while you were growing up. But if you make it your goal to forgive them as God has forgiven you, and if you actively pursue loving them the way Christ loves you, then you will not only have set your own heart free, but you will have showcased a little picture of heaven on earth. If you learn to forgive, you will have learned the greatest defense strategy against divorce.” Ludy, Eric & Leslie (2009). When God Writes Your Love Story. Multnomah Books, p192.

Insecurity Busters

Let’s continue our Lenten quest and think about people in our lives who exemplify joy. What do they do differently from us?

I’m pondering this, thinking of basically happy people I know. What characteristics do they share? Most of them are children, unencumbered still by the worries of the world. But a few are adults and they seem to have as many or more problems than I do. Perhaps the difference is all in attitude. They focus on what they are grateful for. They make the most of a situation. They laugh at themselves and don’t seem to worry about what others think. Not that they don’t think of others, in fact, I think they are more “other focused” than self focused. They are certainly not insecure.
Let’s go back to my statement that most of the people I know who are joyful are children. Yes, little ones cry and pout and stomp their feet, but those particular children that make people comment, “She’s sure a happy baby,” seem very secure and trusting. They aren’t prone to fear. They see the world as a delightful place to explore, and people as friends eager to join their fan club. They expect the world and its people to be good.

And me, when I’m insecure, what am I expecting?
• Insurmountable challenges
• My weaknesses exposed
• Failure, followed by the critical judgment of others

Very young, secure children don’t focus on the frightening future, because they are enjoying the present. They don’t worry about the days ahead because their parents will take care of them. They don’t fret about what others think because they are completely secure in the awareness that their parents love them.
It is a rare child who maintains this confidence throughout their childhood. I cringe to think of 4th grade cliques and junior high bullying, high school competitiveness, young adult broken hearts, and the effects of the sensuality-focused media. Few make it through that gauntlet unscathed. I’d bet if we are honest with ourselves, none of us did. Most of us either nurse or bury some feelings of inadequacy or fears of being found out as imposters. Some bravely struggled against such fears and overcame them.
Yes, we have a power to heal. We have a Father who, like those happy toddlers’ parents, will protect us in our future. Not that He will keep us from all pain; no parent can or should do that or we wouldn’t learn. He will, however, make it all turn out well in the end. And He will be with us every moment of the journey. If we can only focus on Him, we won’t need to worry about what others think of us, because we will know He is delighted with us. Yes, he knows all of our weaknesses and hasn’t missed any of our mistakes. But He chooses to focus on his goodness within us and, beloved children of His own, He treasures us.

“If God is for us, who can be against?” Romans 8:31

If you are looking for practical, solid steps you can take toward fighting insecurity, Beth Moore has several to offer in her book, So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us.
• Avoid insecurity triggers.  This must be done with some discernment. The idea isn’t to withdraw from everything that makes you insecure, but to avoid unhealthy triggers, such as fashion magazines if they make you feel inadequate, or particular emotional predators who thrive on making you feel worse about yourself.
• Choose a different reaction.  Think, “How would I react if I were secure?” and then do it! Behaviors have a strong effect on our thinking. Take healthy pride in your new decisions to react to fear with courage. This releases your inner strength!
• Stop coupling legitimate feelings with insecurity.  Moore writes a mantra: “You may hurt my feelings, but you can’t take my security. It is mine to keep and I won’t give it away.” “You may intimidate me, but you can’t take my security. It is mine from God and I won’t give it away.” Other feelings we often join to insecurity are fear, disappointment, shock, sadness, anger, jealousy, and shame. “I’m ashamed of what I did, but you can’t take my security. It is mine and I won’t give it away.”
• Stop making comparisons!  We are all originals, one of a kind. I am not better OR worse than you. My worth or value is simply from being a person, a child of God like every other person.
• Don’t trip others’ insecurity triggers.  Don’t flaunt what you are good at, or what you possess. We should all be giving example to each other of what secure behavior looks like, especially to the younger generation.
• Stop focusing on ourselves. Moore says, “We will continue to be as insecure as we are self-absorbed.” When we are thinking of others, we don’t have time to be insecure.
• Pursue a life of purpose! Following a passion will keep us too busy to be self absorbed. If you don’t know what your passion is, look to your deepest pain, and then work to help others who are caught in that pain. Alternatively, work to prevent it from happening to anyone else. To find a secure life, lose yourself in something (or Someone) greater!
• Trade fear for trust. Fear drives insecurity. What are you most afraid of? Follow that fear all the way through to the end. Ok, what if it happens? What then? And then what? Yes, if it happens you will be miserable for a while, perhaps suffer great physical or emotional pain, but God promises He will work all things to be good in the end. Choose to trust that promise. God won’t obey what you want; He will do even better for you. Love will win.
• Don’t worry about the future.  Instead of feeding your insecurity by worrying, “What will I do if…” ask, “What will God do if…” and take comfort in knowing He can handle it.
• Question your motivation. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this out of any insecurity?” If so, stop. Choose beyond feelings. Choose to act out of strength. We can act strong, even when we don’t feel strong. We can choose to act secure. We can choose to trust.

“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39 (NASB)

Blessings on your week!
Betty Arrigotti

To read more: Moore, Beth (2010). So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us. Tyndale. Or go to www.solonginsecurity.com

Causes of Insecurity

            How did you do avoiding complaints for the last week? I have to admit, I kept realizing I had let slip another complaint. But at least being aware of the habit is a first step to breaking it.

             Complaining and negative thinking are obstacles to experiencing Joy. Another obstacle, even more widespread, is Insecurity. We all feel it sometimes, but some of us feel it chronically. The origins are different for each of us, and our reaction to insecurity may look different (some might withdraw while others cling). However, we all swindle ourselves as we settle for a limited life, rather than an abundant life, because we are afraid. When we try to protect ourselves from any hint of failure, we cheat this world of the truly powerful contribution we could be making.

             This week I’ve been listening to the audio version of Beth Moore’s new book, So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us. She writes of many causes or roots for feeling insecure. Read through these possibilities and consider how your insecurity began:

• An unstable home

Relational instability

Financial struggles

A Parent’s physical illness, mental illness, or addiction

An unloving parent

Any abuse – emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual

            Unprotected as a child, we seek protection and so are often drawn to the wrong type of person. Only God can always protect us from what really endangers us.

• Significant loss of anything you derive security from. This can happen at any age.

Death of loved one

Loss of face or respect, public shame

Loss of innocence

• Rejection

            Any relationship holds potential for rejection. However, if we won’t risk rejection we won’t find intimacy.

            Our perception of a rejection could simply be a boundary – we can’t claim ALL of a person’s attention, even a spouse.

            A rejection tells lies about our personal value, and sadly, we often concur. “I must not be valuable, worth loving, or even liking.”

•  Dramatic change

            None of us can avoid change; only God is unchanging. We see security in sameness, even if it is not a good situation. A history of unwelcome changes leads some to dread, always expecting something bad is about to happen. Others become psychologically dependent on crisis. If there is none, we create one.

            God uses change to change us, to coax us to the next level of growth.

• Personal limitations

Learning disability

Physical disability

Abnormality – anything that makes us feel different/inferior, even if just through our perception.

• Personal disposition

            Tender heartedness or sensitivity can predispose us to insecurity. The more sensitive we are, the more vulnerable we become. God gave us our tender hearts for a reason. Life is brutal, but He knows it is scary to be us and doesn’t take our pain lightly.

•   Culture

            Today’s media bombards us with unachievable perfection and the worship of youth. A mark of security is being able to be around anyone, no matter how intelligent and attractive and still maintain personal confidence and contentment. But with today’s media, we’re now tempted to feel inferior to thousands!

•  Our own pride

            Pride! Unlike other roots, this is within our control, not imposed on us.  If I can’t be The Most Attractive, I’ll at least be…

The Best…

The Hardest Working…

The Most Congenial (or Popular?)…

The Most Noticeable…

The Most Religious…

             Instead, we end up joining the ranks of the most exhausted.

             Pride carried to extreme can become Perfectionism. Moore calls perfectionism, “Insecurity in an art form. Looks pretty, acts deadly.” Perfectionists are insecure despite (or because of) their high personal standards, emphasis on precision, and aspiration to be better than others. Perfectionists alternate between feeling horrible about themselves and superior to others. Low self esteem and pride coexist.

            Look at the above list. Does one area explain the underlying source of your insecurity? Or are you a poster child for having every root of insecurity planted somewhere in your psyche? Whether your insecurity stems from a difficult childhood, or your own pride and perfectionism, you can turn your pain over to God. In some instances you’ll be asking for forgiveness, or the ability to forgive. In others, for healing. Moore reminds us, “Time doesn’t heal. God does.”

             God sees and knows 1000 times better than we do where we are wounded and weak and what graces we need to be renewed, healed, and empowered. WE don’t need to be perfect, because HE is. In fact, he tells us “His strength is made perfect in our weakness.”

             This week we’ve used Beth Moore’s book to help us discover the roots of our insecurity. The “Quick Start” answer to growing out of insecurity is to focus on and trust God, rather than ourselves. But next week we’ll look deeper into practical steps to overcome our insecurity, and by doing so, knock down or sail over one more hurdle to Joy.

 Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more: Moore, Beth (2010). So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us. Tyndale. Or visit www.solonginsecurity.com

Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NASB)

4 Minutes 4 Joy – Chronic complaining?

Each Lenten Season during the past few years, I’ve written 4-minute emails about various topics for growth: healthier marriage, premarriage preparation, and thriving in hard times. This year I will summarize what various experts share about overcoming obstacles to Joy.

Happiness is a temporary, personal feeling. Joy is a deeply held conviction that all is well, despite our individual circumstances, because of a transcending Good.

 One shortcut to Joy involves removing negativity from our thinking.

Recently Fr. Craig Boly challenged his congregation to go a week without complaining. By the next Sunday he relieved us of the challenge, saying it severely limited conversation. Much of our small talk grows from commiserating about the weather, sports team losses, or the state of politics these days. But if our focus is more negative than positive, it can’t help but affect our mood.

Are you a chronic complainer? I didn’t think I was until I tried to be mindful of my words for a day. Then I realized that I was usually cheerful around friends and acquaintances but much more likely to complain to my family.

I promised myself long ago that I would try to avoid the negativity that often develops as people grow older. I watched one of my grandparents change from a fun loving, gentle soul to someone who could only see the world speeding to “hell in a hand-basket.”

We complain because we are fearful or feeling hopeless or because it has become habit. If our griping is because of fear, let’s tackle the problem that causes it. If it is simply routine, let’s change it!

 Jon Gordon’s book, The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to Deal with Negativity at Work, is written for the world of commerce, but speaks to us as individuals as well. Gordon prohibits complaining in the workplace except under solution-focused circumstances. Workers are discouraged from griping to someone who is not able to correct the problem. Instead, they are encouraged to take their concerns to someone who can make a change and to always bring with their complaint one or two possible solutions. For this system to work, the whole company must develop a culture of welcoming employee input as a means for improvement. When businesses implement his recommendations, Gordon has found that the business morale and productivity both improve substantially.

Couldn’t we adopt the same rule in all our life?

Becoming more conscious of our tendency to complain would be the first step. If what we are complaining about is unfixable, we should work toward acceptance of life’s difficulties and concentrate on our blessings.

In fact, Gordon lists 5 things we can do instead of complain:

• Practice gratitude – If you are focusing on gratitude, negativity can’t settle in.
• Praise others – Focus on what they are doing right and if you must correct them, make sure you give them at least 3 times as many compliments as criticisms.
• Focus on success – Keep track daily of your moments of accomplishment. Write them down.
• Pray and meditate – Studies show these practices reduce stress, boost energy, and promote health.
• Let go – “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things that I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr

“Courage to change the things I can.” If what we want to complain about is fixable, we should only complain to someone who can make a difference AND we must be willing to propose alternatives and work toward a solution.

Here’s Gordon’s suggestions for how to break a habit of complaining:

• The But → Positive Technique. You’ve just let a complaint slip out so you add, “but..” and then a positive thought or action. My hay fever is driving me crazy, BUT I’m grateful I can take an antihistamine when I get home. I’m so bored at work, BUT if I ask for more responsibility I’ll feel more challenged.
• Focus on “Get To” instead of “Have To.” Pay attention to our blessings instead of our stresses. “I HAVE to go to work” drags our energy down, but “I GET to support my loved ones” brings meaning to our morning.
• Turn Complaints into Solutions. Let’s eliminate mindless complaining and promote justified complaining – identifying a problem and moving toward a solution.

I want to be a joyful person, the kind whose company gives pleasure to others and whose attitude demonstrates an appreciation for the life, grace, and gifts God bestows.

 There’s no room for negative complaining in a quest for Joy.

 Blessings on your complaint-less week!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more:

Gordon, Jon (2008). The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to Deal with Negativity at Work. John Wiley & Sons.