Grandparents – Historians and Storytellers)

“About the time Grandma Mary’s father emigrated from Croatia, Grandad Connor said goodbye to his family in Ireland.”

Why does this catch your interest? Because it sounds like the beginning of an interesting story.

Our great-grandparents—fishermen and miners—were persecuted in the “old countries” of Croatia and Ireland. They sacrificed to come to the United States to make a better life for their families. Some of them were mere teenagers when they crossed the Atlantic in ships. In this country they or their children became machinists, teachers, secretaries, and engineers.

My mother and her father had blue eyes, like most of you grandchildren. Red hair appears here and there, as well as freckles and near sightedness.

We grandparents are the historians and storytellers for our grandchildren. We are their connection to the past. Our tales offer them little pieces of their identity and wrap them in belonging. They learn what it means to become “one of us.”

               

Be a storyteller!

Lorene Hanley Duquin writes in her book, The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, “When you share family stories, you help your grandchildren put their lives in historical perspective. Storytelling also hones listening skills and activates a child’s imagination. Whether the stories are happy, sad, funny, or too outlandish to be true, they form an invisible web that binds the family together.”  (p. 130)

• Tell your grandchildren about what you remember about them: when they were born, walked, first talked, visited your house, or when you visited them. Children enjoy being the main character in a story. They also love hearing about things their parents did when they were children. (Careful not to embarrass their parents too much.) I keep a document of funny things each grandchild said that their parents tell me about or post to Facebook. They love to read these when they are older.
• Talk about how your childhood was different than theirs. Can they imagine your life before computers? What were your favorite toys? What did you do with your friends? Did you have roller skates, a scooter, or a bike? What pets were part of your family? What chores did you do? How was life different then?
• Take them to visit where you grew up. Show your house, school, and church.
• Make a family tree, perhaps large enough to hang on a wall. This is a great visual for children to “know their place” in the best of ways.
• Make photo albums for each child or show them old pictures of their parents.
• Help older grandchildren write a Family Who’s Who or consider writing a family history that you give them when they graduate from high school.

“Grandparents are a family’s memory,” Pope Francis says. “They are the ones who gave us the faith.” (Address, Sept. 26, 2015)(p. 132)

Teach your traditions.

Our family makes sugar cookies for Valentine’s Day and Christmas. We eat povitica, a rolled walnut bread, for holidays. When the first snow of the year arrives, we make rice pudding. We choose Lenten resolutions by Ash Wednesday, play Pictionary on Thanksgiving, and put our shoes out for St. Nicholas Day. We have a tradition of dads taking their daughters on first dates when they are 12.

“Traditions bind family members together and instill a sense of belonging. Children learn important lessons from family traditions—about personal values, social behaviors, and communication skills.” (p. 124) They help a child feel secure within the family. Even if there are disagreements, they sense the love that unites them all.

Share holiday preparations with them. Teach them how to bake family favorites. Pass on your skills, whether knitting, sewing, wood carving, mechanics, playing a musical instrument, or building model cars. I still fondly remember an elderly neighbor patiently teaching me lace tatting when I was about ten. Grandpa taught me the names of tools so I could hand him the right one. Grandma was my go-to cooking resource.

Traditions can change over time. Don’t be too worried if things aren’t done quite the way they used to be. Flexibility allows the important facets of traditions to remain. As our children’s children grow, perhaps where the tradition takes place shifts from your home to theirs. Be open to new traditions as circumstances require. Maybe you have the family every other year for Christmas in order for them to celebrate with their spouses’ families. Maybe your Christmas is celebrated at Thanksgiving. The most important part of traditions is the relationships that you are building.

Pope Francis reminds us, “The true joy which we experience in the family is not superficial; it does not come from material objects, from the fact that everything seems to be going well…. True joy comes from a profound harmony between persons, something which we all feel in our hearts and which makes us experience the beauty of togetherness of mutual support along life’s journey. But the basis of this feeling of deep joy is the presence of God, the presence of God in the family and his love which is welcoming, merciful, and respectful towards all. (Homily, Oct 27, 2013) (p .128)

To conclude, a Grandparent Prayer:

“Lord, give me the wisdom to see the goodness in my family history, the patience to preserve our family memories, the understanding of how to pass this heritage on to my children, and the joy of knowing that your love binds all of this together. Amen.” (p. 134)

Blessings on your week! Only two left in Lent.

Betty

PS – As for my storytelling, I have it on good authority:

Grandparents Praying

Pray for your own grandparenting.

We want to model the best attributes for our grandchildren. In the New Testament, Paul suggests older people be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, sound in faith, love, and endurance, reverent in the way they live, and teachers of what is good. (Titus 2:2-5) Not bad advice for any of us.

We can pray for physical strength to be good helpers, and spiritual strength to grow closer in our relationship with God. Ask for the Fruits of the Holy Spirit: charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, forbearance, gentleness, faith, modesty, self-control, and chastity, as well as the Gifts of the Spirit: wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord.

I think Joy is one of the best fruits for making our faith be attractive to those little ones (or not so little) looking up to us as role models. And when we are caretakers and feeling not as young as we used to, Patience is at the top of my list of requests.

Pray for your grandchildren.

• There are so many ways to pray for our loved ones. We talked earlier about going beyond asking God to keep them safe. We can and should ask God to guide them to grow closer to Him.
  • Place them in God’s care, perhaps through prayers to Jesus as the Infant of Prague. Looking at a statue of Jesus as a child reminds us that He experienced what they do and treasures them tenderly.
  • Mary, Jesus’ mother, is also their mother. Ask her intercession and know she loves them dearly.
  • When you are beyond being able to pray, try to breathe in God’s love and breathe out your fears.¹
  • Some grandparents keep a Prayer Journal or simply a page for each grandchild where they can write intentions specific to that child and record the ways those prayers have been answered.²
  • If older grandchildren have their own phones, send a text message occasionally saying that you are praying for them. Include specifics if they are facing a challenge. “Prayers that your final exams go well today.”

Pray in front of your grandchildren.

• Many of us find praying to be a very private thing, but our children and grandchildren need to see and hear us pray.
  • Many families pray a Rosary together before bed, or a decade of the Rosary if children are very small. Mary has promised the daily praying of the Rosary will bring grace, protection, armor against evil, flourishing of good works, God’s mercy, and a holy death.
  • Blessings before and after meals remind us that all we have is from God’s providence.
  • Going to church with your grandchildren can be a celebration beyond their normal attendance with their parents. Having you with them makes it even more special. Let them see how important the practice of your faith is to you.
  • Read the Bible and let them understand that God’s Word speaks to you.

Pray with your grandchildren.

An easy place to start with little ones is Pope Francis’ 5-Finger Prayer:

1.) The thumb is the closest finger to you. So start praying for those who are closest to you. They are the persons easiest to remember. To pray for our dear ones is a “Sweet Obligation.”
2.) The index finger is next. Pray for those who teach you, instruct you, and heal you. They need the support and wisdom to show direction to others. Always keep them in your prayers.
3.) The tallest finger reminds us of our leaders, the governors and those who have authority. They need God’s guidance.
4.) The fourth finger is the ring finger. Even though it may surprise you, it is our weakest finger. It should remind us to pray for the weakest, the sick, or those plagued by problems. They need your prayers.
5.) And finally, we have our smallest finger, the smallest of all. Your pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. When you are done praying for the other four groups, you will be able to see your own needs but in the proper perspective, and also you will be able to pray for your own needs in a better way.¹

Other ways to pray with your grandchildren:

• Before meals and bed, ask what they’d like to pray about. This is a wonderful time to hear about your grandchild’s concerns. Our family goes around the table at dinner and each person states a simple prayer request or something that makes them grateful.
• When you hear sirens, immediately ask aloud that God protect and help the person in need.
• Bless them before they leave. A quick prayer with your hand on their head or shoulder makes everyone feel special. “God, bless this child that you and I love dearly.”
• Sing children’s faith songs with your grandchildren. “Jesus loves me, this I know…” Give CDs or downloads to older grandchildren. Many inspirational groups make recordings of music that teens and young adults can enjoy.
• Help your younger grandchildren to memorize basic prayers and Bible verses but also…
• Teach them to talk to God just like we talk to each other.

Wednesday as I prepared to write this post, the readings for the day included an exhortation from Moses after he led his people out of Egypt amid miracles and wonders:

“However, take care and be earnestly on your guard not to forget the things which your own eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your memory as long as you live, but teach them to your children and your children’s children.” (Deuteronomy 4:9)³

That quote and its timing felt like a personal nod from God. What little miracles or wonders have you experienced and could tell your grandchildren about?

If any suggestion above intrigued you, try that one today! See how the Spirit leads you to pray.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

Sources:

• ¹The Catholic Grandparents Handbook by Lorene Hanley Duquin
• ²Grandparenting with Grace by Larry E. McCall
• ³New American Bible (Revised Edition)

Grandparenting Challenges

Danger zones lurk for grandparenting today. You might be tempted to think, “Well, if it was good enough for my kids…,” but being willing to make some changes will help your children feel more comfortable about their little ones being with you.

Safety –

• We can all be open to doing things differently, especially if it protects our grandchildren. Accidents happen, but let’s do anything we can to avoid them.
• Babies are never put to bed on their tummies. If you are my age, we worried a baby on his or her back might spit up and choke, but doctors have found simply putting babies to bed on their backs can greatly reduce the chance of a SIDS death.
• Allowing no blankets (or any items) in the crib prevents entanglement or an older baby from being able to step up and fall out. Go ahead and quilt, knit, or crochet a special blanket; they can still be put down for floor time or wrap your precious bundle in your arms. By the time they toddle, they may even have adopted your gift as their security “lovey.”
• Most of the cribs we used for our children are considered unsafe, either from bars being spaced too widely and possibly trapping a baby, or a drop-side failing and causing a fall. Invest in something new.
• Find out if parents expect plates to be emptied at a meal. Some feel it leads to eating issues later.
• Helmets are an expected part of skating, or scooter and bike riding.
• Keep your medications out of sight, out of reach, and preferably locked away.
• Consider what is under your sink or in drawers or cabinets in bathrooms where young children might be left alone while they “try.”
• Mentally review your home. You might want to install baby gates, outlet covers, drawer locks, etc. Your children will appreciate your effort, and you’ll all rest easier during their visits.

Respect –

• Parents are the deciders. Follow their wishes whether it be sugar intake or talking about your religion. If they don’t want you to share your faith, don’t. You can still be prayer warriors for your children and grandchildren.
• Never bad-mouth or even subtly disapprove of your grandchildren’s parents or any relatives. Try not to disparage anyone, for that matter.
• Encourage the children to speak respectfully about and to their elders. Listen to their complaints and then give them more respectful ways to say what they think.
• Think back on things your grandparents said that would make you cringe to hear today. Some of our common phrases might now be seen as disrespectful. Ask your children what you say that they wish you wouldn’t. Even things that are meant innocently such as “Going Dutch,” can cause insult and shouldn’t be perpetuated.
• Grandparenting gives one an opportunity to interact without the challenge of discipline, assuming the parent is present to take that role. However, if you are babysitting, you are the substitute disciplinarian and should not try to be the friend. We aren’t doing the child any favors if we let bad behavior slip by uncorrected. That said, your earlier style of discipline may not be appreciated today. No spanking, even if your children “turned out fine.” Talk to the parents about what discipline measures they prefer, such as time out or lost privileges.
• It isn’t a competition with the other grandparents. Your grandchildren will still love you even if you can’t or choose not to afford to buy as many toys, clothes, or goodies as others do. Toys don’t last, but children will remember the quality time you spent with them. Our children can be easily overwhelmed by “stuff” even if wonderful gifts are so fun to buy! (Yes, I’m guilty here.)

Fairness –

• It isn’t unheard of that grandparents find they have favorite grandchildren. Perhaps they live closer and are seen more often, or their personality better fits with the grandparent’s. But it should never be obvious to the other grandchildren. Treat them all the same, whether with gifts or time and attention.
• Step-grandchildren should be loved and treated equally to those born to the family. It takes a little more work to get to know children who have joined the family by marriage, but they are worth it! Of course, the same goes for adopted grandchildren.
• If one set of grandchildren lives away, work to stay connected. This brings us to a common challenge, especially during COVID when over and over we hear grandparents say they miss their grandchildren’s hugs the most.

Distance –

• Learn to handle whatever way your grandchildren communicate best. Go with their choice. Text if they text. Call them on FaceTime if they have their own phones. Perhaps they prefer audio calls because they aren’t comfortable with seeing themselves onscreen. Have questions ready to ask. Email them a good joke you heard. Share what your day will hold and ask them about theirs. If you need help learning about technology, ask your children or grandchildren to teach you.
• Everyone still loves a personal letter. Write to them. Tell them about how you are filling your time when home, or about your work if you are still employed. But more importantly, ask them about their interests and friends and school.
• Send care packages. If you make the best cookies and they haven’t been able to travel since COVID began, you can be sure they’d love to receive some in the mail. If you send “just because” gifts, be sure to include something for each child.
• Have inexpensive items shipped to them so they know you are thinking about them, perhaps a book in a series they enjoy. Their parents can help with choices.
• Remember their important days: birthdays, recitals, game days, religious milestones, or first dates.
• When it is safe, go visit! Or if travelling is difficult for you, help finance them visiting you.

Communication –

• Encourage your children to be open with you about how you could improve your grandparenting. It might hurt your feelings, and it takes humility to accept that we need to change, but that’s what life is about. We strive to become better people and thus, we grow.

The real question . . . is not where our children are physically, or whom they are with at any given time, but rather where they are existentially, where they stand in terms of their convictions, goals, desires, and dreams. Pope Francis Amoris Laititia, 261

Praying for you this week!

Betty