Our Mission

Last week we talked about finding what you love, living what you believe, and using self-discipline to achieve our goals. If you are struggling to make progress, it might help to write your goal on a note you can see several times a day.

This week we will look at three more of Matthew Kelly’s lessons toward a better self, from his book Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You. We are hearing more and more about decluttering lately. Marie Kondo is helping people declutter with her book and her Netflix series. Our pastor is focusing on decluttering spiritually during Lent. Simplifying our lives makes room for growth and has been recommended by many great spiritual guides. In today’s society, few people live simple lives. More and more, complication seems to be the norm. But is that what we want?

Our purpose is to be the best-version-of ourselves, the person God created us to be.

In order to do that, we will need to focus on our values, on what is most important to us. We must simplify our lives enough to be able to spend some time in silence and solitude. We need to say no to requests that steal our time and overcrowd our lives. Kelly reminds us, “You have to find your place in the grand scheme of life, but you will not find it by busying yourself with a million things that were not intended for you.” If someone asks you to do something, take time to answer. Ask yourself what your motives would be for doing what they ask, and whether it is the best use of your time. Would the activity make you a better version of yourself? Or help others to be the best versions of themselves?

Once we make time to think and pray, we can analyze what our true motives are, and what we would like them to be. What makes us do what we do? Is it fear? Maybe the fear of not pleasing everyone? Wouldn’t we rather make decisions based on strength and faith? With choices made based on doing the right thing, clarity will follow, and decisions will be much easier.

More ideas for simplifying:

• Learn to enjoy things without having to own (and then take care of) them.
• Unplug your television for a week. Or a month. Read more. Talk to people more. Evaluate TV’s effect before you plug back in. Take control of its influence on your family.
• Seek happiness through contributing to the lives of others, rather than through things. Things only have value if they make us better people, or help others reach their potential.
• Simplifying your outer life brings clarity to your inner life.

Once you have more clarity, you can ask, what is my mission? What am I called to contribute to this world? Write down everything that comes to mind, large and small, from contributing to your family to an area of creativity that brings good to others. Our mission is driven by the needs of others and our need to serve; it is “a meeting between self and service.” It is where “our talents and passions collide with the needs of others and the world.” Frederick Buechner writes our mission is “the place where your deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.” It is to do… what we can, where we can, right now, to make the world better.

How do we find our mission? Kelly asserts, “By using the moments of each day to become the best-version-of-ourselves, by doing all the good things we feel inspired to do where we are right now, by investigating and developing our unique talents and deepest desires, and by listening to the voice of God in our lives.” No small order, but we only need to take baby steps. Now. The Holy Spirit leads us step-by-step, but only as we take each step.

“The greatest shift in most of our lives will take place when we decide to make ourselves radically available to serve.”

I liked this sentence in Kelly’s book: “Every time we encounter a person, we should give them a gift.” Whether it is a word of encouragement, or simply our focused attention and a smile, we can remind ourselves we are here to serve. Yet, to be most effective, we must balance service with our own needs, be they physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual.

We mustn’t let our fears and worries detract from our service. Kelly reminds us, “We are afraid because we don’t know how things are going to work out, but things are going to work out.” Look back on the things you have worried about. Didn’t they work out? Every problem that comes into our lives can teach us a lesson, strengthen a virtue, and build our character. We need to increase our faith that “God loves us, will provide for us, and most of all, that he has saved us.”

Turn to silence and solitude. God speaks to us there. He shows us where the good is in difficult situations. He leads us to “patiently seek the good in everyone and everything.” Look for what you agree on within an argument, before tackling where you differ in opinion. Seek the good in others, and also in yourself.

In summary, the final steps in Kelly’s book are:

• Simplify
• Focus on what you are here to give
• Patiently seek the good in everyone and everything

Next week we will begin to study Best Self, by Mike Bayer. In the meantime, let’s try each day to do one good thing that we don’t want to do.

Your Best Self

Welcome back! Did you think about what change would make the best difference in your life? It’s fine if you don’t know. We can figure it out over the next few weeks.

Matthew Kelly, in Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, writes that generally speaking, in the 1950s, people worked in order to support their families. By the 1980s, people wanted to make as much money as possible, no matter how hard and long they had to work. The 1990s found people wanting more leisure time. Now, the newest generation entering the workforce wants to have work that they see as meaningful so they find fulfillment through the work they do. Kelly asserts, “The primary meaning, purpose, and value of work is that when we work hard and well, when we pay attention to the details of our work, we develop character and virtue. When we work, we gain the opportunity to partner with God.” He adds, “Happiness is found in doing things that we can take pride in doing well and hence can enjoy doing.

Therefore, if we want to grow in virtue, which increases our happiness, we should work whole-heartedly at the job we have. We shouldn’t ask, “What do I want to be when I grow up,” but rather, “Who is God inviting me to become?” We should then take steps, even if baby steps, today, toward finding our passion. What might those baby steps be? Write a list of all your passions. Celebrate them, large and small. Where is your dream in that list? What do you need to do to move from your current life to your dream? It may take time to find what you love to do but start doing what you love in small ways now.

Kelly says, “Life is about love. What do you love doing? Do it. What do you love being? Be it. What do you love having? Have it and share it. Who do you love loving? Love them.” If financial obstacles keep you from doing what you love, what are you willing to sacrifice? And if your passion may not pay the bills, then make space in your life to pursue it through your hobbies, or as a small part-time business, or as a volunteer. Overcome your fears. “Find what you love and do it.”

Next, live what you believe. Be content with what you are today, but let’s never stop striving to improve ourselves for tomorrow. Begin to listen to the small voice that guides you toward your best, whether you call it conscience, or God, or wisdom. It will lead you toward what is “good, true, noble, and beautiful.” Act on what you believe. Stop doing what you know you should stop. Start doing what you know you should do. Don’t be so busy that fatigue or stress keep you from following your beliefs.

This decision to become—or act from—your best self requires self-discipline. Kelly says you can’t be happy without discipline. “In fact, if you want to measure the level of happiness in your life, measure your level of discipline.” In 2013, Time Magazine quoted a study published in the Journal of Personality asserting that self-disciplined people are happier than those who aren’t. They found a connection between our levels of self-control and our levels of life satisfaction. The authors write that “one interpretation of this finding is that people use self-control to set up their lives so as to avoid problems.”

Kelly cautions, “The body has a voice for a reason: to alert us to hunger, thirst, heat, cold, and danger. But when we overindulge the body, this voice becomes the voice of craving rather than the voice of need. […] The body is like money, a horrible master but an excellent servant. […] The greatest dictator of the twenty-first century is the body. We do whatever it tells us to do, whenever it tells us to do it. […] Self-mastery is the only alternative to the enslavement of self.” In short, we must control our impulses if we wish to be happier. One method Kelly recommends to regain mastery of ourselves is to practice fasting, or denying ourselves in small ways “so that we can regain the self-mastery that makes us free and take control once more of our temperament, appetites, and impulses.” Beyond simply fasting from food, we can fast from shopping, criticism, complaining, etc. At each meal we can choose to forego something, such as the largest serving, seconds, or dessert. Throughout the day we can fast from gossip, or a nap, or a television program.

Little acts of self-denial allow us to be free from those indulgences that enslave us.

So, according to Kelly’s chapters, our next steps toward happiness are:

1. Find what you love and do it
2. Live what you believe
3. Be disciplined

These are both simple and very complex recommendations. What can we do this week in each area? For me, I’ll be disciplined about writing more, despite all the family distractions. What about you?

Your Best Self

Welcome back to our Lenten series, 4 Minutes 4 Growth. This season we will discuss two books that both encourage us to become our best selves: Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, by Matthew Kelly, and Best Self – Be You, Only Better, by Dr. Phil McGraw’s friend, life coach Mike Bayer. They both deal with the difficulty we have changing ourselves, even when we know how much better we would be if we did.

Kelly asks, “Are you happy?” and then adds, “[…] The first thing I learned is that you will never be happy pretending to be someone other than the person God created you to be. […] Only one thing can be reasonably asked of you: that you be yourself.”

Kelly asserts we’ve been raised with the lie that we can do anything we set our minds to. We can’t grow up to be anything we want to be. But better yet, we can develop our strengths and talents to be what God intends us to be: Perfectly our imperfect selves. God has created each of us to be unique, for a unique purpose in this life. We’ve been given certain talents, or life experiences that have taught us certain truths, and though we don’t receive every talent and life hasn’t taught us every truth, if we strive to be our best self, we will fulfill the purpose God intended us for.

To grow towards our best self, both authors encourage us to look at our strengths and also our weaknesses. We need to honestly discern which weaknesses are simply part of who we are, and which are areas that deserve effort to improve. We need to celebrate who we are and not try to be something we are not best suited to be. For instance, I am a strong introvert and shouldn’t expect to ever become an extravert. My quiet introspection is a part of me that I value. But I do have many areas in my life that I’d like to and can improve upon, such as my overactive sweet tooth, or my failure to keep things tidy, or an overly critical side of me that I always have to battle. Kelly says the challenge for each of us is to “strive to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and God-given talents.”

With every decision we need to ask which option would lead us toward being the best version of ourselves. Our choices need to be determined by the side of us that is our best self. Though we won’t do this perfectly and always, allowing our best side to lead us will move us toward becoming overall, a better self. “The-best-version-of-yourself isn’t something we strive for and never achieve. It is something we achieve in some moments and not in others.”

Mike Bayer believes we have many spheres where we can improve. In fact, he uses the acronym SPHERES to list them: Social, Personal, Health, Education, Relationships, Employment, and Spiritual Development. Most of us can improve in each of those areas, and we could set goals for every sphere. We will discuss the categories again later, but to focus now, let’s pick one area. Kelly recommends we ask ourselves what one change in our lives would make the biggest difference in moving us towards our best selves. “What is the one thing about yourself that would most radically improve your life if you changed it?” He recommends focusing on growing in one virtue: honesty, patience, moderation, kindness, humility, courage, perseverance, compassion, hope, charity, generosity, wisdom, gentleness… Growing in one area will naturally improve other areas.

No doubt you, like me, have tried to make a change for the better in some area of your life and have failed. Repeatedly.

Kelly says we set ourselves up for failure if we don’t focus on our progress rather than on our setbacks. In the past when we’ve failed, we may have tended to sink into negative self-talk about how we will never be any better. This sets up a pattern of defeat and, before long, we stop trying. We forget that we are treasured children of the God who forgives constantly and gives us the graces we need to succeed. Instead of dwelling on our failures, we should learn from them and then consider them steps toward success. We must consciously congratulate ourselves on our small successes and celebrate our progress.

Or perhaps we fail because we give in to temporary pleasure rather than allow our virtues to go the distance for real happiness. Pleasure lasts only while we do that which gives pleasure. Happiness endures beyond the experience. Cake is great, but only while you eat it. Giving someone a gift can be enjoyed each time you remember doing it. Living right by listening to the quiet voice within us and choosing to do the next right thing will lead us to enduring happiness rather than transient pleasure. In short, rather than increasing our possessions, we need to increase our virtues to live a meaningful life.

Kelly says, “…we keep telling ourselves that when we get what we want, and enough of what we want, then we will be happy. The reason it doesn’t work is because you simply never can get enough of what you don’t really need.” Ecclesiastes agrees, “Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.” (Verse 5:10)

So, this beginning week of Lent,

What change could make the best difference in our lives?

Let’s start by choosing to do the next right thing, focusing on our successes rather than our failures, in our attempt to grow in character to attain true happiness.

Blessings on your week.

Whatever the state of a marriage, it is possible to improve it. I hope the posts this Lent have helped with that endeavor.

In this week’s book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, discusses a continuum of marriage types from weakest to strongest. Find ways to emulate the marriage type that is beyond yours and grow both personally and relationally.

Deadly Marriages:

• In Chaotic marriages, both husband and wife are bent on self-destruction in an attempt to escape, either from their past or from the world as it is.
• In Codependent marriages, one is bent on self destruction and the other is determined to save the partner.

Shipwrecked marriages are all about staying afloat. They may be:

• Materialistic, where they value financial security above all else. In these the husband is often neglectful or controlling while the wife is dependent.
• Safety marriages, where the wife with a traumatic past chooses a nice, quiet man to avoid conflict and pursue a stress-free life.
• Rescue marriages where both spouses fled traumatic childhoods. They are happy to have survived, and don’t ask for more.

Conventional Marriages are built to support and maintain a couple’s place in world. In a conventional marriage:

• Both spouses are relatively sure of their own ability to provide for at least basic needs.
• Both have found personally meaningful work or social roles to play.
• Here, love is warm and comfortable but the number one threat is growing apart. Other problems include domestic scorekeeping (whose turn it is to do what and how much is fair) and marital chicken (you change first). Most marriages in this category are moderately stable and moderately satisfying.

With work, they can become:

Exceptional Marriages

These marriages make up only 7 % of married couples. The first stage is:

Partnership Marriages which are primarily concerned with pursuing and increasing personal competence. This pursuit allows:

• No job is off limits for either spouse. A 100/100 partnership keeps them from 50/50 mentality.
• True intimacy, because no matter how much they give to the marriage they know they will not be taken for granted. They see each other as their best hope for becoming the people they want to be by the end of their lives, by helping each other grow in identity strength and move toward actualization of their shared spiritual values, moral ideals and emotional goals.
• Rapport and negotiation. The intense interest in and sharing each other’s worlds tend to remove the last barriers to communication.

To improve further, partnership marriages must develop a truly spiritual sexuality and exhibit a willingness to make financial sacrifices, setting serious limits on anything that distracts them from actualizing their value system. Then they may find themselves part of a

Spiritual Peer Marriage whose marital theme is the pursuit of intimacy, simplification, and actualization. These couples are a joyful, living breathing example of their particular value system. These couples hold common traits:

• Simplification – they are off the fast track, having discovered deeper values.
• Competence – both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life
• Egalitarianism over equality – they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take the other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.
• Each other’s best friends, they have virtually no secrets from each other, and have achieved a level of spiritual sexuality that is truly enviable.
• As in Maslow’s definition of self actualized – They are accepting of themselves and others, are at peace when life becomes unpredictable, are spontaneous and creative, have a good sense of humor, value their privacy, can take care of themselves, are capable of deeply intimate relationships, and have an open, positive attitude about life.

:

1. Exceptional Fidelity, the promise to “forsake all others,” includes all those friendships, family-of-origin commitments, career opportunities, and community involvements that do not serve to increase either the physical and mental health of each spouse or the intimacy of the marriage.

2. Exceptional Love is a calling. They do loving things for their mate every day, whether or not they feel like it and whether or not their mate “deserves” it.

3. Exceptional Mutual service is valued more than “fairness” or sharply defined roles and responsibilities. Each actively looks for opportunities to serve and nurture their mate, creating a dance of competence that enables chores and other domestic responsibilities to be passed back and forth gracefully, and accomplished efficiently.

4. Exceptional Rapport becomes the result of overcoming both their basic gender and personality differences, allowing them to achieve an enviable level of understanding and in their relationships.

5. Exceptional Negotiation where all needs are respected and met—even when a partner’s need is not completely understood. That your need will be met is never called into question; the only topic of debate is, “What is the most efficient, respectful means by which your need can be met?”

6. Exceptional Gratitude ensures every service—no matter how common or simple—is viewed as an active expression of love to be noted and appreciated.

7. Exceptional Joy imparts an ability to play and be joyful together. They look for new interests to share and work to share in the interests they already have. They make time to be together, work at being present to each other, and actively seek ways to ease each other’s burdens.

8. Exceptional Sexuality allows them to view sex as something they are. For them, lovemaking is not an activity or a performance; it is a total self-gift, a symbol and expression of all that is good about themselves and their relationship. It is a spiritually active way to connect with the Divine.

What more could we want than to connect with the Divine through our marriage?

May your marriage continue to grow and bring you closer to God.

Man to Man about Marriage

My husband George is an amazing spouse! We celebrate 40 years of happy marriage this week, so I am reprinting advice he wrote 5 years ago to men about marriage. (Much holds true for women, too.)

Respect:

• A woman is a gift of great value to be treasured throughout your life. She is easily the most valuable gift you will ever receive on this earth and must be treated with respect at all times.
• Be cautious with criticizing her, even in private.
• Never express disappointment about choosing her to be your partner, or comparing her to previous partners, or current acquaintances.
• Never speak as though you’ve had enough or would ever consider leaving her or ending the relationship.
• When you’ve hurt her (or learned after the fact that you’ve hurt her), apologize. And mean it. Even if you have rationalizations in your head, just go with the apology. Try to understand why she was hurt, even if you don’t think that you would have been in the same situation. Only if you can do it without sounding antagonistic, ask her for advice on what you could have said or done differently to handle the situation.

Careers:                                                                                                                                                               

• Don’t ever talk about money as though it were ‘yours’. All money is ‘ours’ in the family, regardless of whose paycheck it comes from.
• Never treat your job as more important than hers, whether you make more money than she does or not.
• If she does take a traditional role in your family, such as at-home mom, remember that she’s doing this by choice for your good and the good of the family, not because she’s any less capable.
• With your children, take care that they realize that her staying home or working away from home are options, and neither is an expected role for women.

Gratitude:

• Thank her for the normal things she does daily for you and the family. Even if you thank her every day for the same things. There should be several times each day when you acknowledge her efforts and thank her:
• When you get up from a meal: “Thank you for dinner!” (And clear your place.)
• When clean clothes appear in your drawers or closet: “Thanks for the clean clothes!” Or when there’s clean laundry on the bed to be folded: “Thanks for doing the laundry!” (Help fold them and put them away, at least your own items.)
• New groceries in the fridge or cabinet: “Thanks for shopping for us!”
• When you notice that a room looks especially nice, tell her so! (But avoid any comparison with past condition.)

Attention:

• Give her a generous hug, at least three times a day. Hold on to her as long as she wants.
• A woman needs to be told that her looks please you. And she needs to hear it frequently. Never just count on her ‘knowing’ that you love how she looks all the time (even if you do). When you notice something nice about her clothes, or hair, or face (or figure!) or whatever, tell her. This shouldn’t be hard; of course you love how she looks! And don’t compare to any previous time (you look better today than yesterday). And don’t say that she looks nice ‘today’ (possibly implying that she doesn’t on other days). But OK to say that she looks ‘especially nice today’.

Communication:

• Be cautious with teasing. Preferably don’t tease her about anything! Teasing is never nice, even if she seems to laugh, go along with it, and say that it’s OK. She could fear that there’s a grain of truth in whatever you’re teasing her about, whether there is or not (and there often is).
• Talk with her! She loves talking with you, about anything (as long as you’re not the one doing all the talking).
• Listen to her! And pay attention while you do. She needs to know that you’re hearing what she has to say. Ask her, every day, how her day went. And listen while looking at her, not while reading, or checking email, or watching TV. Remember that sometimes she just wants to be heard and doesn’t want to you offer advice or try to ‘fix’ the things she tells you about. (But be sure that when she does ask you to fix something, you take it seriously!)
• Learn how to disagree (and even express your anger) without raising your voice. A raised voice in a man is a danger signal to a woman. No matter how well she knows you, she may fear being physically or emotionally hurt.
• Realize that you likely have different methods of resolving conflicts, and that you now need to have a common method. It’s best to have some rules that you discuss when you’re not emotional.
• Never try to make her feel stupid.

Family & Friends:

• Women need family and relationships, much more so than you might. Don’t try to keep her from seeing or communicating with friends or family. And be sure to consider this strongly in decisions about where you’ll live or what job you’ll take.
• Never complain about your wife to friends or family.
• Never embarrass her in front of the children, or anyone.
• Compliment her in front of others, and say how proud you are of her, for whatever reason that you are. Or what you like about her, or why you treasure her.

The Future

• Realize that you both brought dreams, goals, hopes, and desires to your relationship. Some of those now need to be subjugated to hers, and to the higher dreams and goals of the relationship. When you marry, you agree that your personal priorities will change to support your joint relationship. You don’t need to give up everything, just realize that some things may not be possible right away, and that some may no longer be appropriate.
• Ask her what her dreams and goals are, and what she’d like to see in the relationship. And then, simply listen, and listen some more.

Betty here: Didn’t I tell you he is an amazing guy? Some of these recommendations came naturally to him and some he learned the hard way, over the years.

Ladies, be careful how you show this to your husband so that he doesn’t feel criticized! Maybe instead, thank him for how he currently shows his love for you. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!

5 Love Languages

Would you rather receive a love letter, be taken on a date, be given a gift, relax into a warm embrace, or have your beloved make you dinner?

Gary Chapman, in now classic The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we may run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

The Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.
2. Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones, focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive when the beloved offers self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen. Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.
3. Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.
4. Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through gifts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made. You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully!
5. Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are treasured. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

Chapman encourages us to show our love to our spouse in the language they prefer. I suggest we learn to use all 5 whenever possible. If you are better at some than others, try to grow in your weak areas, while not giving up on your strengths.

May your love become multi-lingual and take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit –

How does God show us love? He gave us a book of love letters. He embraced the leper and the child. He emphasized the importance of gratitude. He speaks to us in a still, calm voice. And, as his ultimate act of service, he died for us.

Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Prayer, service to his children, rocking an infant, gifts to the poor, time just focused on him? Try a new one!

4 Marriage Destroyers

What happens between the starry-eyed wedding day and months or years later when a couple might barely speak to each other? Most likely the couple has allowed four destructive habits to develop, which Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Psychology Department at University of Washington, believes lead to the destruction of a marriage. In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last, he calls these destructive habits the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like the horsemen in the final book of the Bible, these four behaviors announce the beginning of the end. Practice them often enough and relationships will die.

The Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism – Ladies, Gottman says we are the ones who usually bring this first destructive force into our relationships. Are we just supposed to ignore our spouses’ thoughtlessness? No. When we are upset or frustrated by their behavior, it is completely fair, and even constructive, to point out our reaction with specific complaints about a specific instance. Complaints can be productive when they are heard, and a considerate partner makes changes because of them. They become destructive when they are no longer about a specific time, but instead become: “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…” or “You SHOULD…” or when we stack up the complaints, “Not only did you leave the car in my way, you came home late, didn’t ask how my day went, and didn’t notice all that I’ve done around here.” When you complain, you are addressing one specific behavior. When you criticize, you are attacking the person.

2. Contempt – We must keep working on reducing criticism because if it isn’t eradicated, it can deteriorate into contempt, which differs from criticism in its intent to insult and hurt our spouse. Can you imagine a perturbed wife doing an exaggerated eye-roll? We see them in sitcoms and laugh, but such body language makes it clear we have lost our admiration for our partner and are feeling contempt, also exhibited by insults, name calling, hostile humor, and sarcasm.

3. Defensiveness – Faced with criticism or contempt, a spouse might respond by taking on the attitude of innocent victim. The problem with defensiveness is it exacerbates negativity. Rather than acknowledging a problem so that it can be worked out to improve the marriage, it derails any chance for a positive exchange. It stops constructive communication and leaves trouble unresolved. We want so badly to prove we are right that we sacrifice our own and our spouses’ happiness.

4. Stonewalling – A question for the gentlemen: Does even thinking about arguing with your wife raise your heart rate? You’re not alone. In an argument, men can easily become flooded with adrenaline and feel a need to shut down. They give up and check out emotionally. They stonewall. Another type of stonewalling happens by choice and can even become a habit. He (or she) decides arguing doesn’t work, so chooses to disconnect. Either they stop responding at all, or their responses have nothing to do with the disagreement, or they storm out of the room. One version is the silent treatment. Disengaging from communication keeps anything from being resolved.

To fight the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in your marriage:

If relationship success could be boiled down to a bare minimum, it might be this: we want love and respect. We promised on our wedding day to love and honor, but criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling break that vow. If we could live up to our promise, our married lives would be much happier.

Let’s fight the destructive forces!

1. Remember last week’s kindness steps? Stop negativity. Tone of voice can be very intimidating. Keep yours calm. Express honest admiration daily. A simple “thank you” can reopen communication. Be generous with your compliments and words of encouragement. Do some kind service for your spouse. It might be hard when contempt has blocked our awareness of the good qualities of our spouses, but remember, we all need love and respect. A gentle hug, a little gift, or a sink full of dishes washed can do wonders for any of us.
2. Replace criticism with simple complaints that state your feelings about one specific behavior, without blame. “I felt X when you did Y. I’d rather you did Z.”

3. Stonewallers, reassure yourselves, “I can do this. I love my spouse and am willing to make changes to keep this marriage healthy. We’ll get through this and be stronger for it.” Take a break, if you need one. Tell your spouse when you’ll be able to continue the discussion. Take deep, calming breaths. Go for a walk or exercise to process the adrenaline. You may have thought you were avoiding fights by your lack of response, but actually you were avoiding resolution. Be the hero, the knight, but don’t hide behind a suit of armor. Reach out and connect.

4. Those who live with stonewallers should realize that they must back off before their spouse hits the point of disengaging out of self-defense. Both should try to de-escalate the argument by touch or humor or words of encouragement. “Honey, I love you and I need a break to cool down.” 

When we most want to turn our backs is when we must turn our hearts back toward each other.

We must actively block the four horsemen that destroy a chance at a happy marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Bible verses to ponder:

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekial 36:26 RSV)

“Do not return evil for evil or reviling for reviling; but on the contrary, bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9 RSV)

The Kindness Challenge

In previous years of advice to improve marriages, I’ve directed attention to Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn’s prolific research.

Since it is now 30 days to Easter, it’s a great time to recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s new book, The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve any Relationship. Her 30-Day Challenge is simple, though the whole book is worth reading and pondering. Though we will use her words to focus on our marriages, the same advice works with any relationship: teacher/student, employee/boss, parent/child, coworkers, etc.

Feldhahn says, “We cannot actually change someone else’s mind or heart. But God can. And I believe the great and mysterious superpower of kindness to soften a hard or angry heart is actually the outward evidence of God working behind the scenes.”

Here’s her prescription, based on years of research, surveys, and interviews.

For 30 days:

1. For women, and men prone to negativity: Say nothing negative about your spouse, either to them or about them to someone else. (If negative feedback is unavoidable be constructive and encouraging without a negative tone.)

Alternatively, for men: Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw. Give your wife your full attention in conversation for at least fifteen minutes a day. And when you are upset with each other, stay in the game five minutes past when you want to escape.

2. Every day, find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your beloved and tell them, and tell someone else.
3. Every day, do a small act of kindness or generosity for your spouse.

Sounds pretty straight forward, right? According to Feldhahn’s research, most relationships will improve through this trifecta of thought, word, and deed, whether your spouse knows you are doing this challenge or not. You will be a happier person and, by practicing kindness, will find it easier to increase in kindness. As a bonus, most spouses will respond by being kinder as well.

There’s your challenge for the remainder of Lent. If you are pressed for time you can stop reading here and focus on the above.

But if you are intrigued by these authors, here are more of their gems of wisdom from two books, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. (Generalization alert – of course there are many exceptions to everything in the books.)

• One of the most basic needs for men to be happy in a relationship is to feel their wife admires them. Men need to feel respected in order to feel loved. This is news to women, who would (in general) choose being loved over being admired. Of course, we all want both! But it becomes clearer as women read about this deep-seated need of men that our little sarcasms, our teasing in public, our seemingly insignificant put-downs devastate our men, though they would feel weak to admit it.
• Men often interpret women’s desire to control things as a sign of disrespect. What to women is simple reminding, to men comes across as criticism or distrust. They know what needs to be done but may simply place a different level of priority on it. When women ask a question to better understand their husband’s decisions, men perceive us to be questioning their judgment. As hard as it is for today’s women who have striven to be considered equals, men need us to defer to them sometimes. Men are highly sensitive to disrespect, even when none was intended.
• Men are doubly burdened. They feel a strong responsibility to provide for their families. Even in today’s world when women may contribute substantial income, men see the financial responsibility to be theirs. And not only must they provide enough income to give their families all they currently need, but also to provide a secure future. Add to that their second burden—a secret sense of inadequacy— and you may begin to understand that men are constantly stressed about their work. Though they love a new challenge, they hope they can figure it out before they are “found out” or humiliated. As confident as men may appear, most of them harbor a constant fear of being exposed as imposters.
• Men know that women value security, and to men security means financial strength. But what women mean by security is relational strength. A man may want to give his wife security, so he works long hours to promote job security. A woman may see this as a threat to the security of her relationship and interprets his absence as an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with her. If she encourages him to work less, he worries that he’ll be found inadequate at work and lose his job. If he continues to work extra hours, she will feel emotionally threatened.

Women, surrounded by our society’s emphasis on youth and beauty, battle their own insecurities.

• What women most deeply need in their relationships is reassurance of their man’s love. We are bombarded by media, and sadly by friends, of stories of men leaving their wives for other women. We’ve been told men are visual and we watch ourselves become less visually beautiful as our bodies sag from childbearing, our skin surrenders to wrinkles, and our hair turns grey or thins. We are afraid we will lose the men we love. We need reassurance every day that we are still the love of their life.
• Seventy percent of women reported that they think about the health of their relationship often or every day. This astounded men. When the relationship is under stress, most women feel like nothing else is right until it is resolved. Triggers for a woman’s insecurity include conflict, her husband’s withdrawal (the way men often respond to conflict), his silence (she may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong), absence, unresolved relationship issues, or exhaustion.

The deal is never done. Husbands must continue to woo the woman of their dreams, even when they think they have won her. Wives must continue to support their husbands by showing their deep-felt admiration.

Polarize or Grow?

Did you manage some carefree timelessness with your spouse this week? Go ahead and count what you did with your Valentine. And keep trying!

Today we will turn our attention to some of the writings of David Schnarch, from his book, Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships.

Do opposites attract?

When we first fell in love, didn’t our beloved seem exactly like us? We shared the same values, ideals, and hopes for the future. We found ourselves in agreement on nearly everything. We felt perfect for each other!

Have our honeymoon, rose-colored glasses dimmed a bit since then?

Schnarch would say we are perfect for each other, not because we’re the same, but precisely because our differences are so complementary. We tend to find life partners whose strengths complement our weaknesses and vice versa. For instance, where one of us feels comfortable with relating emotionally, the other focuses on the intellectual. One may be an extravert while the other is an introvert, or value logic while the first loves creativity.

Like a crucible that holds molten metal as it is refined, our marriages support us while we are forged into better people. Ideally, the Marriage Crucible of everyday struggles helps us learn from each other and grow in our weak areas. We’ll become well-rounded and more whole by adding the other’s perspective to our own.

Sadly, in most cases, we miss that opportunity. The husband sees his spouse excel at the nitty-gritty of finances, so he lets her take over those responsibilities. Or the wife sees him as a spiritual leader, so she focuses on the role of worldly thinker. One’s nurturing instincts are strong, so the other expects her or him to become the primary caretaker of the children.

We tend to polarize into more extreme versions of ourselves, and we lose admiration for our spouses’ differences. We begin to feel our strengths are more important than theirs. The logical thinker relinquishes desire to be creative and is irritated by the spouse’s “flightiness” or “immaturity.” Meanwhile, the creative spouse begins to see the logical spouse as boring or restrictive. I’m remembering Harold Higgins in My Fair Lady singing Lerner’s lyrics, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

Held in the confines of a committed relationship, resistance to growth can worsen until it feels intolerable. The irritation of daily interactions will force us to make a choice. We can give up and move on, looking for a relationship with someone new who is “just like us,” or we can tough it out and choose to round out our abilities, to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zones, while we are supported by our spouse and by our commitment to our marriage.

I know a couple with a newly retired husband, but the wife is still working. He, bless him, has taken over all that she used to do: cleaning, shopping, laundry, and cooking. When she comes home tired from work, dinner is ready. That wise couple is growing strong and flexible within the Marriage Crucible, and no doubt, he has gained great respect for all she previously accomplished. I hear she will retire later this year. I bet she will return the favor and take on many of his tasks.

In another book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak describes traits of the happiest couples, those in what he calls a Spiritual Peer Marriage. Both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life, and they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take the other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.

I believe if we aren’t growing, we are stagnating. If we aren’t becoming closer, we’re moving apart. But a marriage where both partners stretch to learn and develop remains fresh and exciting. Will we settle for less?

What does your spouse take care of that you could benefit from doing? How can you grow by learning from your beloved’s strengths?

Gentlemen, if your wife handles communication with your children, reach out to them yourself. If they are grown, call them up just to chat. You’ll be amazed at what it means to you and them.

Ladies, do we expect our husbands take care of things we’d rather not do? At my house it might be home and car maintenance and taxes. I really don’t want to change the car’s oil, but I could learn from him how to let little hurts roll off my back. And I really should tackle some of those phone calls that require assertiveness.

Choose one of your partner’s strengths that you’d like to develop and decide how to begin.

In the meantime, as a gift, do one task today that is usually your spouse’s responsibility.

Two Bible verses to ponder:

• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)
• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)

Thank you for investing four more minutes in your relationship!

Carefree Timelessness

Welcome to “4 Minutes 4 Marriage!”

For 12 years I’ve written Lenten posts that highlight the recommendations of counselors, therapists, and advisors.  This year’s focus is Marriage, and I plan to reintroduce some of the best marriage advice I’ve found.

4-minute posts may seem long and daunting, but rather than considering them too wordy to read right now, try to think of them as a very short, time-efficient Marriage course. You don’t even need to drive to class!hat said, let’s jump right in and use our 4 minutes well. Your relationship is worth it!

What do you want your marriage to be like? Close your eyes and imagine your spouse gazing at you with that, “I can’t believe how blessed I am” expression that melts your heart. Would you like to grow even closer to your special someone?

Matthew Kelly writes that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.

Watching TV together doesn’t count. Neither does reading your text messages side by side. Carefree timelessness is unscheduled, unhurried moments when you can focus on each other and let the time and the conversation meander and develop on its own.

Remember when you first met the love of your life? How easily the hours could pass spent in one another’s company. Conversations were easy and fun; you never ran out of topics to cover, not because you needed to exchange information, simply because you enjoyed knowing more about each other. Or remember how close you felt to the people who shared your last vacation? Strolls along the beach, hikes on forest trails, or easy games of Frisbee don’t accomplish concrete goals, but rather social and relational ones. We relax on vacation. We realize how much we value the people close to us.

Sadly, our busy-ness today is an enemy of growing intimacy and deepening relationships. We are too harried to slow down and enjoy each other. What a lost opportunity to share with our families the down time that seems so simple and yet draws us so close. Maybe due to tight finances, we give up our date night or take “stay-cations” and don’t leave home. Yet, if we don’t get away from our day-to-day responsibilities, we risk focusing on work, yard, or home projects, rather than refreshing our spirits.

And, oh dear, our Sabbaths suffer from overfilled schedules. Given to us as a gift from our Creator to help us renew ourselves and our relationships, Sundays instead become a day to cram in what we think we must accomplish before the next workweek begins: laundry, homework, unfinished office work, or shopping. Sabbaths are meant for renewal of ourselves and our relationships.

Our lives find their meaning in our relationships. Ask the people lying in the hospital, soon to leave this earth, what made their lives important. It’s the people who keep vigil at their bedside, the people they’ve loved or served, who are the monuments to their existence. The lives they’ve touched and improved give testimony to their accomplishments more than their promotions or patents do.

Yes, we need to work, and our employment is an opportunity to minister to the world by how we behave and what we produce. However, it is our love that will survive us and influence others profoundly.

There’s a country song, “She Thinks We’re Just Fishin’,” which portrays a dad realizing the times he spends fishing with his little girl are moments they both will remember and treasure. Go “fishing” with someone important to you!

We make time for our children:

• One dad jogs with each of his young adult children when they get together. I can imagine the interesting conversations caught between breaths.
• Another father sets aside Sunday afternoons to call each of his grown daughters, simply to catch up and stay connected.
• One friend never listens to the radio while driving her children, preferring the spontaneous conversations that seem easier while sitting beside each other, rather than face to face.
• My mother used to suggest window-shopping walks downtown at night after our small-town stores had closed. I don’t recall any life-changing conversations, but those walks told me she valued our time together, when time was a scarce commodity for a single mother.

If we can do it for our children, we can do it for our spouses.

So, this week’s homework: Spend a little carefree time with your spouse. No agenda, no goals to meet. Simply appreciate the moments together. Mute your cellphones. Turn off the TV. (You can pre-record the Olympics, so you don’t miss anything.) Take a walk. Or just hold hands and talk. Focus on him or her and the joy of shared time. Don’t problem solve. Reminisce. Dream. And don’t forget to schedule your next carefree time together.

Our marriage will improve if we regularly spend carefree timelessness with our beloved. We will move into higher levels of intimacy, perhaps sharing our hopes and goals, our fears and needs, and our efforts to become the best version of ourselves.

P.S. If you’d really like to test the parameters of this tool to intimacy, spend some carefree timelessness in prayer. Visit God in a chapel or sit in an easy chair near a window and turn your attention to him. Recognize you are in his presence always and everywhere. Chat with him. And listen.

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com