4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Freely, Fully, Faithfully, Fruitfully

Good Friday has arrived, which means I’ve written 5 premarriage posts and 6 marriage posts during Lent. Yet, when Fr. Mike asked on Sunday at Mass what marriage advice my spouse and I had to offer as we celebrated 30 years, I went completely blank. (Husband came up with, “Don’t go to bed angry,” and saved the moment.)

So, to redeem myself, I’m going to offer some of my favorite tidbits:

• Like the song says, Turn Back to Me, with All Your Heart. When I most want to turn away is when it’s the hardest but most important to turn toward my husband and reconnect.
• That goes along with what someone said who shared our anniversary date. He and his wife promised to, Love each other when most unlovable.
• Always treat your spouse with respect, whether in person or when talking about him or her.
• Express gratitude for every service your spouse does for you, from a meal made to a day spent at work.
• In general, put your spouse first, ahead of any other person. Though occasionally your children’s needs must come first, a strong marriage is one of your greatest gifts to them. Set aside time alone together—a few (4?) minutes each day, one evening a week, and a weekend a couple of times each year.
• Pray together. Studies show couples who regularly pray and attend Church together have a much lower rate of divorce. Inviting the Holy Spirit into your marriage brings graces that reinforce your commitment to everlasting love.
• Play together. Find ways to keep laughter in your relationship. Not by teasing, of course.

I’ve been thinking about the Church’s view on marriage as it is illuminated by annulment (Decree of Nullity) proceedings. In order to determine whether a marriage was, in fact, a sacramental covenant that is indissoluble, the Church looks for four elements to be present at the time of the wedding. The Church asks whether both parties promised themselves:

• Freely – Were both members of the couple free to make a lifetime vow? Were they mature enough, mentally stable enough, and not encumbered by any situation that made marriage seem to be the only option?
• Fully – Was either party holding back some truth from the other? Were they ready and willing to accept each other as they were, without any conditions?
• Faithfully – Did they intend to remain faithful to each other alone, for life?
• Fruitfully – Was their love open to sharing with others, particularly children?

If these four elements were not present, the Church may find that a marriage, though legal (and thus recognizing any children as legitimate) may not have been a valid sacramental marriage.

It stands to reason that if we want our marriages to be lifelong, indissoluble, we should work to turn to each other every day and offer our love:

• Freely – Do I work to keep other commitments from coming between me and my spouse? Do I attempt to grow in my maturity and emotional strength in order to bring my best to my marriage?
• Fully – Do I keep part of myself protected from my spouse, or do I make an effort to grow in intimacy and trust?
• Faithfully – Do I guard myself from temptation? Do I keep our marital challenges private and discuss them only with my spouse or with a trained professional? Do my actions assure my spouse that he or she is now and will always be my one and only?
• Fruitfully – We recognize love by the fruit that it bears. What sacrifices can I make to show my love? How can I turn away from selfishness and be open to the good of others? Am I parenting my children as fully as I can, teaching them spiritually, morally, and intellectually?

This post is our final one for this Lent. Like last year, I am making it shorter than usual in order to give you time to write a short note to your spouse that begins, “I love you because…” Then slip it inside an Easter card or Easter basket.

No groaning allowed. We all need to count our blessings from time to time, and your spouse is one of your best!

 I’d love to hear from you about how you’ve applied any of the ideas, or how I could improve these posts for next year (even if you say you hate homework).

 May your Easter Season and your relationship be blessed!

 Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Premarriage Questions

Should you get married?

All sorts of people have written questions to help couples make this lifelong decision. At the risk of turning you into Inquisitors, I’ll offer some of those sources in this email and the next, and hope that your decision will be made clearer as you discuss them.

The first set of questions is from a list I wrote when my daughter was considering marriage. It’s been a while since I wrote it and I don’t know if I used other sources that should be cited. If so, my apologies to those authors:

Religion

• Will you each practice your own faith or worship together?
• Whose faith denomination will you attend?
• Whose faith denomination will you get married in?
• Do you both value weekly attendance?
• How will you celebrate spiritual holidays like Christmas and Easter?
• In which faith would children be raised?
• How do you each feel about monetary support of a church?
• Are there any tenets of your fiancé’s faith that go against your beliefs or conscience?
• Are there any tenets of your own faith that your fiancé can’t accept?
• How will you work out agreements?
• What are your thoughts on responsibility to serve others? Volunteering?
• What does your church require of a married couple?

In-laws

• Do your families both welcome your relationship?
• Do you like your future in-laws?
• How strong are the marriages in your families?
• What would you like to do the same, or differently than your parents?
• How do you feel about your in-laws being your children’s grandparents and relatives?
• How will you split time between the families? Holidays?
• Will you both put your spouse first before your original families?
• How much time would you each like to spend with your families?

Money

• Will you both work?
• How will you combine your incomes? Separate accounts?
• How will decisions about major purchases be made?
• What are your thoughts about credit, savings, debt? Are they compatible?
• How would you each feel if she made significantly more than he?
• What are your thoughts about mothers working?
• Are husbands’ financial responsibilities different than wives’?
• How would you feel if the other didn’t want to or couldn’t work?
• Where would you like to live: city, country, suburb, apartment, house?
• Do you know the financial situation of the other? Level of debt? Income potential?
• What type of wedding/honeymoon do you each think is financially reasonable?
• How do you feel about budgeting?

Fidelity

• What are your expectations of the other?
• Have you discussed your relationships of the past so you both are comfortable with them now?
• How do you see yourself responding to infidelity?
• Have you discussed your fears about this?
• Do you feel completely confident in the other’s commitment to you?

Sex

• Are you comfortable with your own sexuality, as a gift from God?
• Can you openly discuss it when you are uncomfortable about something sexual?
• Do you feel cherished and respected?
• Have you discussed and agreed on your feelings about premarital sex?
• Have you talked with a doctor or tested for any medical concerns you have?
• Can you both accept the necessity to abstain and be faithful during separation or medical restraints?
• Can you tell each other what you like and don’t like as it comes up?
• What do you think about artificial birth control? Natural birth control?
• Do you both strive to please the other?

Children

• Do you both want children?
• How many children would you feel comfortable with?
• When would you hope to start having children?
• Have you discussed your concerns about being parents?
• What were your parents’ means of discipline?
• How would you discipline differently than your parents?
• Would you want your children to attend private religious schools?
• If so, how much of a financial sacrifice would be reasonable for private schools?
• Would you expect and plan for your children to go to college?
• What are your thoughts on abortion? Adoption?
• What if your child had special needs/disabilities?
• Have you discussed what medical issues run in your families?

Division of labor

• Who will cook, clean, launder, shop, maintain the car, etc.?
• Will one of you stay home with children? How long?
• What do you think of daycare?
• Whose work will determine where you live?
• What are your career dreams?

Social

• Do you expect to spend time apart with your friends? How much?
• How might you enjoy evenings?
• Do you enjoy the same types of activities? Can you play together?
• What is your idea of a vacation?
• Do you both enjoy talking to each other? Are you best friends?
• Do either of you worry about the other’s drinking? Drug use? Health?

Miscellaneous

• What are some of your dreams for your future? Fears?
• Where do you picture yourselves in 5 years? 10 years?
• How do you behave when you are angry? How does your fiancé? How about when sad?
• What do you both do to work out disagreements? What do you wish you both would do?
• Do you always feel safe around the other?

Questions from Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt covers a wide range of topics: sex, values, religion, money, education, in-laws, careers, ethics, commitment, snoring, parenthood, cooking, cleaning, love, friends, exes, hopes, dreams, romance, travel, savings, secrets, taxes, children, space, holidays, television, pets, interests, fears, retirement, and trust. It also offers questions to ask parents, friends, religious leaders, lawyers and children. Here are a few:

Questions for your friends and family:

• Do you think we make a good match? Why?
• What kinds of problems, if any, do you see us having if we get married?
• Have you ever witnessed him/her mistreating me in any way?
• What advice would you give me before marriage?
• How does he/she make me a better person?
• Is there anything you know about him/her that you think I should know about?
• How happy do you see us being ten years from now?
• What do you consider his/her strong points? Weaknesses?
• What values do you think we have in common?
• In what ways have you seen us grow together?

Questions for his/her friends:

• Has he/she ever been a heavy drinker? Had a gambling problem?
• What is the craziest thing you’ve ever seen him/her do?
• How does he/she react when angry?
• How does he/she help others?
• When you think about him/her, what positive attributes come to mind?
• In what way do you think he/she will change me for the better?
• How would you describe his/her values and morals?
• What is the most memorable experience you’ve had with him or her?
• What does he/she say about me when I’m not around?
• What do they say about him/her when he’s/she’s not around?
• How does he/she act toward other women/men?
• What do you know about past relationships?
• What does he/she worry about?

Questions for future in-laws:

• How and when do you see us celebrating holidays and family traditions together?
• How often do you expect us to visit?
• How often do you expect to visit us?
• As a new daughter/son-in-law, what expectations will you have of me?
• As a new in-law, what do you hope I can bring to the family?
• What do you hope we can do together in the coming years?
• Are there any family concerns you think I should be aware of?
• What advice do you have for me in marriage?
• What would you like to know about me?
• What would you like for me to know about your family?
• What would you like to know about my family?
• What are some of the best times you have had together as a family?
• What are some of your hopes for our marriage?
• What are some of your concerns about our marriage?

If you don’t want to make people feel grilled, these are questions that you might gain answers to gradually. One or two at a time would make great discussion springboards.

Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more:

Outcalt, Todd (1998). Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage, Perigee/Penguin

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Relationship Myths

How are we doing? Can’t believe another week has flown by? Maybe you still haven’t read the last 4m4m post so you groaned when you saw this one? That’s ok. But your beloved is worth 4 minutes, right?

 Sometimes we have expectations of our relationships that are unrealistic, but since we don’t examine them, we don’t realize our mistakes.

Here are 10 myths that Dr. Phil McGraw writes about in Relationship Rescue,

1. A great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds. Men and women are too different to truly understand each other. Let’s accept our differences as enrichment, rather than making them sources of conflict.
2. A great relationship demands a great romance. Being in love is not like first falling in love. Emotions move in time from exciting to deep and secure.
3. A great relationship requires great problem solving. All relationships will have long term issues that will continue to be disagreed about. Let’s place the relationship above the conflict. Agree to disagree. Achieve closure on the emotions, even if we can’t find closure on the issue.
4. A great relationship requires common interests that bond us together forever. It’s not what we do, it’s how we do it. If forcing ourselves into common activities creates tension, don’t do it. Let’s enjoy what we naturally have in common.
5. A great relationship is a peaceful one. Arguing is neither good nor bad. If done in a healthy way, it can release tension and resolve problems, building a trust that we can disagree and still be close. Suppression of conflict can be destructive if it keeps issues from getting resolved. The key is to get emotional closure at the end of a disagreement so that; even if the problem isn’t solved, both find their minds and hearts in balance.
6. A great relationship lets us vent all our feelings. Many relationships are destroyed because one person could not forgive what the other said or did in anger.
7. A great relationship has nothing to do with sex. Sex provides an important time-out from life’s stress and adds closeness that is extremely important. If our sexual relationship is good, it registers about 10% on the importance scale. However, if we don’t have a good sexual relationship, it registers about 90% on the scale, taking on gigantic focus of the relationship.
8. A great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner. As long as the quirks or nuances are not abusive or blatantly destructive, we can learn to live with them.
9. There is a right way and a wrong way to make our relationship great. What is important is what works for the couple. This also holds true for how our beloved shows us love. It might not be the way we would choose, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
10.   Our relationship can become great only when we get our partner straightened out. We are jointly accountable for the current state of our relationship. Instead of waiting for our partner to change, we can and will serve ourselves much better by looking at ourselves instead of our partners.

 And speaking of looking at ourselves, Dr. Phil discusses some “bad spirits” that are destructive to our relationships and which we can change. We need to know our self-defeating nature so intimately that if it appears, we’ll be able to spot it and stop it immediately.

1. We’re scorekeepers. Partners cooperate, not compete. Focus on what we can give, not on what we are owed. Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control.
2. We’re fault finders. If we’re criticizing, we’re not praising. And if we’re criticizing, we are not connecting. We are driving our partners away.
3. We think it’s our way or the highway. Our intolerance of our partner’s initiatives or ideas puts our own ego above the welfare of the relationship.
4. We turn into attack dogs. We start out discussing an issue and end up ripping into our partner with a personal attack.
5. We are passive war mongers. We thwart our partner by constantly doing that which we deny we are doing or the exact opposite of what we say we are doing. Our passively aggressiveness is designed to control, but insidiously and underhandedly.
6. We resort to smoke and mirrors. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced isn’t real. The result is utter emotional confusion.
7. We will not forgive. When we choose to bear anger at our partner, we build a wall around ourselves.  Negativity begins to dominate our life. But by forgiving our partner, we can release ourselves.
8. We are bottomless pits. We are so needy that we consistently undermine our chances of success. Our partner is frustrated by never seeming to be able to “fill us up,” and never knows a fully functioning peaceful relationship.
9. We’re too comfortable. We don’t challenge ourselves; we don’t strive for any kind of excellence. It takes risk to keep a relationship improving.
10. We’ve given up. Often seen in an abusive relationship, this learned helplessness kills our spirit.

We’re not perfect people, so no relationship is perfect. But marriage makes us uncomfortable enough to encourage us to grow. We want to keep getting better, being more loving, and growing closer—for ourselves, for our partners, for our marriage, and for our families.

 Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more about it: McGraw, Dr. Phil (2000). Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner. Hyperion.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Sex and Fitness

Next week, we’ll be starting Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, but before we leave the Feldhahns’ books, I’d like to list a few more of their findings:

• With sex, her “no” doesn’t mean you.  Many women don’t have the same need to pursue sex as much as men do. (Though 1 in 4 marriages see the woman wanting more sex than the man.) They do care about sex, enjoy sex, and want to have a great sexual relationship with their man. Women’s lower level of desire for sex usually has nothing to do with their man’s desirability.
  • She has a lower level of sexually assertive hormones which means less craving for sex, less likelihood to initiate, more susceptibility to distractions, yet most women would change all this if they could. Don’t take “not tonight” personally. Use it as a learning tool to understand why.
  • She needs more warm up time than men. Either she needs to take it slowly, or needs some anticipation time. Women want to be romantically pursued.
  • Men’s bodies (no matter how great) do not turn on her body. Her mind may notice and find her husband attractive, but her body won’t, at least until sexually involved. However, lack of grooming can turn her off. (Showered? -check. Teeth brushed? – check.)
  • For her, sex starts in her heart. Her body’s response is tied to how she feels emotionally about her husband at the moment. Great sex starts with a man helping his wife feel happy and close to him outside the bedroom. Hug her sometimes just to hug her. Or share housework so she isn’t so tired.
  • She wants pleasure as much as he does, and if it isn’t happening, she may be reluctant. Women often would prefer to protect their husband from feeling inadequate and so don’t express their dissatisfaction, at the expense of the possibility of working together to solve this problem.
  • When in doubt, ask questions. What do you like? What don’t you like? How can we improve?

• Sex unlocks a man’s emotions. A woman’s sexual desire for her husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
  • Men believe that the women who love them don’t seem to realize that wanting more sex than they are getting is a crisis—not for the man, but for the relationship.
  • Sex fills a powerful emotional need. At a most basic level men want to be wanted.
  • Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired. It salves his loneliness and infuses him with confidence.
  • A “no” to a man feels like a rejection. He wants to feel irresistible to his wife. A continued lack of desire on a woman’s part can lead him to depression.
  • A woman can enhance her relationship if she leaves her husband in no doubt that she loves to love him.
  • Make sex a priority. If you need professional help, get it. Talk to your spouse. Even though this is a sensitive subject, it’s critical.

• Women need to feel beautiful in their husband’s eyes.
  • The little girl inside each woman needs to know her husband thinks she is pretty and he only has eyes for her. “You look fine,” isn’t good enough. She needs to be beautiful to him. He has a great ability to build her up in this area, or tear her down. She needs to hear it, and hear it often.
  • A husband is his wife’s mirror. He can reflect back to her what she needs to hear. If he doesn’t, she is vulnerable to both her inner questions and the external pressure from an intimidating world.
  • In our culture women are not being protected emotionally, but rather, humiliated for their lack of perfect looks. A husband who can reflect to her how lovely he thinks she is proves the best antidote to her own critique of her personal flaws and society’s external pressure. Give her specific, honest compliments.  Say it sincerely; say it immediately when you see her.
  • If a man is his wife’s mirror, he becomes a shattering hammer if he looks elsewhere. If she sees his glance linger over a beautiful women, she ceases to feel special. She feels like she can never be what he really wants.
  • Pornography sends the same message. Wives are injured when husbands look elsewhere for a thrill that they vowed to look for only in her.

• Men need to feel that their wife makes an effort at her appearance for his sake. (But they REALLY don’t want to talk about dissatisfaction with their wife’s appearance. DON’T ask your husband. We women know deep down if we’ve become complacent.)
  • A husband who sees that his wife is striving to look good for him feels that his wife cares about him.
  • What’s on the outside matters to him. Men desperately want women to know this, but because they know how fragile women are about their appearance, they feel absolutely unable to tell them.
  • This is not to say they need wives to be supermodels. And they certainly don’t want women to go to unhealthy extremes of eating disorders. Men are focusing here on weight, fitness, and appearance issues that women can healthfully do something about. Almost every man cares if his wife is out of shape and isn’t making a true effort to change.
  • When women take care of themselves, men feel loved. When they don’t, men feel unvalued and unhappy. Men want and need to feel proud of their wife.
  •  Perfection isn’t the goal. He’s as pleased by your effort as you are by his less-than-perfect attempts at romance.
  • Again, Shaunti stresses you shouldn’t panic your husband by asking him about this. He doesn’t want to make you cry. If you are not realistically happy with your overall appearance and fitness level, assume he’s not either. (Betty, here—I am a little uncomfortable ever giving advice NOT to talk to each other, but my husband agrees with the author.)
  • Good news. Husbands are likely to be very willing to help! That may mean financially, or by taking care of the children while you take care of you.

The above topics are some of the hardest subjects for men and women to talk about with their spouses. However, at the end of the surveys the Feldhahns asked, “What is the one thing that you wish your spouse knew, but you feel you can’t explain?” By far the top response was:

How deep their love and respect is.

Here’s your chance. Go tell him or her.

I’m going to.

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: These are also available on CD which make them easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Purity

I was all set to write about questions to ask each other this week, topics to consider before you decide you are ready to marry. A good safe subject, and a valuable one that will probably come next week. But then I started to think about what else single people should think about, and had to face one of the most difficult subjects to write well.

Sex.

It’s a minefield of a topic. I could come across as preachy. An Old Fogey. Pollyana. Or out of touch. I might say too much or more likely, not enough. I run a serious risk of alienating my readers, something writers avoid at all cost.

Please honor the courage this will take and continue to read. I’ll speak first to those of you who want to wait until marriage before sharing yourselves sexually and then to those who haven’t waited, as God holds blessings for all.

To be completely open: I believe sexual love is a beautiful and Godly gift when it expresses a life-long covenant. Conversely, I believe sexual expressions of unity, when no lifelong unity is intended, wound the hearts and souls of both parties, and often, innocent others. These wounds make future relationships more difficult to develop in a healthy, holy manner.

That said, I’m going to turn to some points made by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice in For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, a book they wrote after interviewing and surveying hundreds of young men. Though everything below is a generalization, I urge you not to assume your relationship is the exception. Talk seriously and honestly, respecting the vulnerability that honesty brings.

The authors offer several statistically supported insights, first about appearance:

• A guy is automatically tempted to sexually fantasize about an attractive female figure he’s seen. This is completely normal, and a temptation men struggle with throughout their lives. Yes, Christian men, as well.
• Guys think girls know they are enticing men to fantasize about them when they dress provocatively. The way girls dress sends messages they might not intend. Girls might think their outfit says “Cute” when guys receive the signal “Easy.” Yet, it is possible to dress both modestly and attractively.
• Guys fall for girls who don’t have supermodel bodies, but physical attraction is necessary for a dating relationship. Guys want their girlfriends to be healthy, not unrealistically thin, not suffering from eating disorders. But also, they see significantly overweight girls as having low self esteem, which is not attractive to them. The key here is that working toward health is appealing. If you know your eating habits are unhealthy, please, seek professional help.
• Your appearance sends a signal of how you feel about yourself. “As the guys see it, they want girls that think enough of themselves to put effort into their appearance. That showed the guys that the girl was confident in who she was as a person.”

Now, insights about sex:

• Many guys feel neither the ability nor the responsibility to stop the sexual progression. And those who do feel the responsibility don’t want to have to stop it alone.
• Having sex doesn’t mean he loves her or is committed to her. This is a difficult attitude for girls to believe. To women, the physical element is an outpouring of love, but men may “use love to get sex”. In general, guys have premarital sex for physical pleasure; girls have premarital sex to fill an emotional need for connection. Many hearts are broken over this misunderstanding.
• As soon as a girl has sex with a guy, he’ll likely doubt whether he can trust her. Even if he pushed for the sex, the introduction of this doubt will undermine the relationship. “The line gets blurred between love and hormones. From then on, you’re always wondering which factor is in play.”
• Guys want to marry a virgin. As unfair as that seems, the double standard still exists.

When young men were asked to imagine themselves giving anonymous advice to girls, including their sisters, they rose to the occasion. They want to be protective of their sisters and friends. They want to be heroes. I think their advice applies to men and women. They wrote:

• Set boundaries. It helps to have talked ahead of time about expectations. Having predetermined boundaries makes limits easier than when judgment is clouded by hormones.
• Don’t assume anyone is immune to temptation. Don’t rely completely on the person you are with, no matter how honorable he is. He’s tempted, too!
• “Do a Joseph!” When Joseph of the Old Testament was tempted by Potiphar’s wife, he ran! Flee from sexual temptation.
• Be yourself. If they don’t like you for you, they aren’t worth your time. Never compromise your principles. Be confident. After all, you are a child of the King of Kings!

You are a child of the King of Kings, no matter what relationship mistakes you’ve made! Even if you are reading this wounded from the past, or in a relationship where you are dissatisfied with the decisions you’ve made, you are a treasure! God helps us to grow from every experience we’ve had and can turn all mistakes into good. He heals our wounds and creates in us new, healthy hearts. Turn to Him!

I hope everyone who is reading this has experienced the joy of a loving, forgiving parent who thinks you are a gift to the world. But even if you have not, know that God is the perfect parent who loves unconditionally and delights in you, His creation. He wants to see you healthy and whole and is always ready to help you grow. His commands show His loving desire to protect us from harm.

You can reclaim a purity of heart. You can realize your worth as a beloved child of God and decide to only express your physical love when it is the symbol or outpouring of lifelong commitment before God. Not as giving in to temptation and not out of emotional need, but as a gift between two strong people, willing to sacrifice for each other and pledged to one another for life.

I’ll be praying for you,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: Also available on CD which makes it easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

I also recommend:

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Windows & Pop Ups

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Marriage. Did last week’s post about women’s desire for emotional security and men’s double burden of financial responsibility and secret sense of inadequacy spark any good discussions? I hope so.

This week we return to the Feldhahn s’ books to talk about windows and pop ups. Remind you of your computer? We’ll use the computer analogy to better understand our partners.

First, the windows:

Men surveyed by Shaunti Feldhahn were surprised to learn that, unlike their own linear thinking, women tend to balance many thoughts and emotions at the same time. Like having many windows open on your computer and “alt-tabbing” back and forth between them.

Generally women are more adept at multi-tasking than men. In a typical minute a woman may be primarily focusing on her work, but also assessing whether her children are safe, calculating whether she’ll be able to finish the tasks of the day, considering what to have for dinner tonight, conscious that her coworker is in a bad mood, all the while feeling uneasy because she is worried about whether her husband left without a kiss this morning because something is bothering him. About half of all women might add to this list a vulnerability to “pop ups” of emotion from past experiences that seem to come out of nowhere. Women find it very difficult to compartmentalize thoughts or turn off emotions until a later time. And if their primary relationship is troubled, everything else is affected.

An awareness of how emotions pervade a woman’s thoughts can help men be better listeners. Men tend to want to fix things—much to a woman’s dismay—when what she wants is to be listened to. You see, for women the problem IS the emotion involved, more so than the situation that led to it. Men make tremendous strides in a relationship when they learn to listen to the feeling that is expressed, even more than the words. Then acknowledge the emotion. Words like, “That must have been frustrating,” or “That would have made me mad, too” are much more satisfying than, “Why didn’t you…” or “You should have….”

Of course, if she’s saying, “The sink is plugged,” she’s probably looking for you to fix it, not empathize. Or if you see that she can’t settle into a conversation because she’s distracted by worrying about the noise the kids are making in the next room, fix it by going to check on them yourself. But when she is talking to you and her voice is tight with emotion, her feelings are the message you should be tracking. If you aren’t sure how to respond, ask her. “Do you want advice, or just to be heard?”

Men also have pop up thoughts to deal with, but of a completely different kind. Women have accepted that men tend to be visual beings. To us that might simply mean we dress attractively to hold their attention. To men, though, it goes far beyond that. When a man sees an appealing woman, her unbidden image replays in his mind, possibly for years afterwards. Throw in movie love scenes, bra ads, jeans commercials, provocatively dressed teens walking past, a coworker’s fitted skirt, the Playboy cover he glimpsed at the grocery store, cheerleaders at the game, or a waitress’s cleavage. Our culture assails him with a barrage of enticing images that pop up more often than he cares to admit.

Notice I said unbidden. These visual replays have nothing to do with a roving eye, nor a dissatisfaction or lack of love for his wife. Many men would choose to turn off this temptation if they could. They are simply part of his gender’s makeup. He’s been struggling with these images since he was a teen. He can’t avoid wanting to look at a beautiful woman, though with effort he can choose not to. Still, he will be intensely aware of the woman he avoids watching. Of course, some men are more or less visual than others and will be more or less distracted by provocative scenes, but the sensual mental images seem to be a rather universal male experience.

Even Job of the Bible, whom God called, “the finest man in all the earth” (Job 1:8) knew temptation. He says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust at a young woman.” (Job 31: 1)

Shaunti Feldhahn points out to men that they have choices:

• For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily.
• Every man’s involuntary physical impulse is to enjoy the feelings associated with these thoughts.
• But every man can make a choice—to dwell on the images and thoughts, or to dismiss them. Men honor their wives when they resist their desire to visually consume an attractive woman.

Ladies, how do we help our husband once we realize how temptations surround and bombard him? First, set aside our natural tendency to feel resentful or insecure when we notice him noticing another woman. We can show him we appreciate the effort he makes to redirect his attention to us, with a simple smile or a thank you. Remember, our husbands need our encouragement and support, not our judgment. Shaunti quotes one man, “The more I can reveal my weaknesses without being judged or accused, or without a major crisis in our relationship resulting from my transparency, the more I know I am loved for who I am, not for who she wants me to be.”

Second, make a point of examining what inadvertent temptation we might cause by how we dress, as well as what we teach out daughters about modesty. (Shaunti has written a book called, For Young Women Only.)

In summary, women are distracted in their multi-tasking by emotions that intrude and hold on until they are resolved. Men are distracted by the countless sensual images that our society surrounds them with. It’s as difficult for a woman to turn off her emotions as it is for men to turn off their mental images. As hard for men to ignore sensuality as it is for women to forget an argument.

How will knowing this enhance our relationships? Might make a great conversation starter…

Let’s pray for all marriages this week.

I’ll be praying for yours,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: These are also available on CDs which make them easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Deal Breakers

Last week I asked you to evaluate yourself in several areas to assess your readiness for marriage. Next, if you are in a relationship, you considered the same questions about your beloved. Now I’d like to focus more carefully on the deal breakers that would call you to refuse commitment, no matter how deeply you love. You owe a wise, though difficult decision to yourself and your future children.

DEAL BREAKER RED FLAGS:

• ADDICTIONS – These include substance abuse, such as alcohol or drugs, as well as gambling. You may love the person deeply, but until they are in recovery and have been for a good long time, they cannot love you enough to give you a happy, healthy relationship. They do not have the free will required to commit fully to you. They may be a wonderful person apart from their addiction, but they can’t help being more committed to the addiction than to you.
• DISHONESTY – A person who does not respect the truth will lie to you as easily as you observe him or her lie to someone else. A healthy relationship relies on trust and this person cannot be trusted.
• UNFAITHFULNESS – As much as he or she declares love for you, if there is a history of cheating, you are naive to think you won’t be hurt the same way. Be grateful you learned about this character flaw before you married.
• UNCONTROLLED ANGER – If this person cannot control his (or her) anger and strikes out in a way that hurts himself or someone else, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Even though you have never seen the anger focused on you, you will. If people hurt others intentionally, even with words alone, they are not going to be part of a healthy relationship.
• DISRESPECT FOR YOUR FAITH – Our spirituality is an integral part of us. If your faith is ridiculed, an important side of you is not respected. To be healthy, all relationships need mutual respect. Think ahead to how his or her opinion would influence your children and their faith life.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR – A person who wants to make all decisions and who doesn’t respect your independence and differences of opinion is not a partner. Their need to be in charge will intensify with time, possibly to the point of becoming abusive. This behavior may be difficult to recognize from within the relationship, but below are some warning flags taken from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm 

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?
• humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

• ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR – It should go without saying that you must not continue a relationship with someone who hurts you. Yet, abusers can seem very loving when they are not abusing and so people remain in a dangerous relationship. If you have ever been intentionally hurt by the other, no matter how sorry he or she was later, end the relationship. If you are afraid of ending it, seek help from friends, family, or professionals. If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.

If a person you love falls into one of the deal breaker categories, this may be the hardest, yet most important decision of your life. Break off the relationship. You deserve a healthy beloved and you cannot single-handedly (nor is it your responsibility to) overcome these dangerous behaviors.

In his book, Love Smart, Dr. Phil McGraw says, “Trust me, if you’re dealing with a guy who is broken in some major way, tell him to get help, give him the name of a good counselor but don’t take that on when you still have an option to choose wisely. That may sound harsh, but you are looking for a healthy, functional partner who is uniquely compatible with you. […] It’s the most obvious rule in the world: Don’t pick the one who is broken.”

(Note – we are all somewhat broken but we are talking here about serious incapacity to love well.) Know that God loves this broken person and He will work to help him or her. It is even possible that losing you will be the impetus this person needs to find help and choose to grow.

I hope you are all headed for healthy, happy relationships, but if you find yourself in any of the trouble listed above, please be brave and seek help.

This was a heavy subject this week, and a bit depressing. Here’s one of my favorite verses from the Bible to perk us back up:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

My prayers are with you,

Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Security

Welcome back to 4 of the minutes you spend for your spouse!

 Did you talk or think about the love/respect differences between men and women this week? I hope it gave you a new perspective. Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn offer more observations from the Inner Lives books.

 According to the Feldhahns’ research, men are doubly burdened. They feel a strong responsibility to provide for their families. Even in today’s world when women may contribute substantial income, men see the financial responsibility to be theirs. And not only must they provide enough income to give their families all they currently need, but also to provide a secure future: college for their children, a comfortable retirement, or money to support their family in the case of their death.

Add to that their second burden—a secret sense of inadequacy— and you may begin to understand that men are constantly stressed about their work. Many men worry about what others think of them much of the time. Though they love a new challenge, they hope they can figure it out before they are “found out” or humiliated. As confident as men may appear, most of them harbor a constant fear of being exposed as imposters.

These two burdens combine to keep many men working more hours than their wives prefer. What to a woman may seem like time spent unnecessarily away from family seems to men to be time spent insuring they do their job well and keep the job they have. Men are amazed that women don’t realize they work as hard as they do as an act of love and sacrifice for the family.

Unfortunately, another misunderstanding incites conflict between husbands and wives. Men know that women value security, and to men security means financial strength. But what women mean by security is relational strength. Women want assurance that their husbands won’t leave them. One contributor to emotional security is the sense of closeness that grows through time spent together.

A man may want to give his wife security, so he works long hours to promote job security. A woman may see this as a threat to the security of her relationship and interprets his absence as an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with her. If she encourages him to work less, he worries that he’ll be found inadequate at work and lose his job. If he continues to work extra hours, she will feel emotionally threatened.

A positive side of this mismatch is that husbands may be surprised and relieved to know that given a choice between material things and their husbands’ happiness, women will choose to do without things in order to allow their husbands to find work they love.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

Men can bring the kind of security that women really want without giving up their work:

• Small gestures convey love. Try an email, phone call, or words of appreciation.
• Be her best friend. Know each other better than anyone else.
• Make time with her a priority – Outside of traditional (40-50) work hours, don’t let anything else consistently receive more of your time and attention than she is given.
• Demonstrate your commitment – Does she know you will be there for her no matter what? (Review last week’s suggestions.)
• Participate in parenting and home life – Share the life you are working so hard to provide.

Women can ease the burdens of men’s sense of financial responsibility and secret fears of incompetence:

• Live within your means. Discuss ways to relieve financial pressure.
• Express gratitude and encouragement for your husband’s work and provision, even his extra hours.
• Reconsider conflict points about money issues in light of a new understanding of the pressure he assumes.
• Always build up your husband’s confidence, rather than criticize. Affirm him! Sadly, only 1 in 4 men in the book’s survey felt actively appreciated by his family.
• Make your home his safe haven where he isn’t judged.
• And finally, “The role of sex cannot be overstated. A great sex life will overshadow and overcome a multitude of impostor messages from the world.” Let him know he still rocks your world.

This final suggestion is from Betty, not the Feldhahns’ books. Consider giving each other the gift of the Sabbath. Reserve Sunday (or an alternate day if necessary) as a family day. Let it be a day free from financial pressures. Make memories together.

Exodus 35:2a: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD.

Thank you for demonstrating that your marriage is a priority for you by reading this entry!

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE:

            Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

            Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Ready?

Welcome to “4 Minutes B4 Marriage!”

 Some of you may be already in a serious relationship and talking about marriage. Congratulations on your conscientious consideration of the decision to marry! Good for you for taking time away from your wedding or honeymoon dreams to consider the health of your marriage.

Others might be thinking ahead for when the right person comes along. Good for you for working to be ready for a healthy relationship.

Since the strength of any whole depends on the quality of its parts, the strength of a marriage depends on the maturity and wholeness of both people. Let’s start with a look at ourselves. To be fair to our future spouse, we must ask ourselves, “Am I ready to be part of a committed, lifelong relationship?” We’ll break that question down further:

 Am I ready to make someone’s needs as important to me as my own needs?

• Can I place a beloved’s needs ahead of my wants?
• Or others’ wants on the same level of importance to me as my own?
• If I were to become a parent sooner than expected, am I ready?

Do I accept responsibility for my:

Emotional well-being

• Am I participating in my relationships with a sense of personal strength, rather than neediness?
• Do I rely on others to entertain me, console me, validate me, or can I do those things for myself?
• Do I have areas I know I can grow in, but basically like myself?
• Can I handle my anger constructively?

Spirituality

• How is my relationship with God?
• Do I have a faith community or a strong group of family and friends to offer support in difficult times?
• Do I attend church whether I have someone to accompany me or not?

Health

• Do I take care of my health adequately so that others don’t worry about me?
• Do I make safe choices to protect my health?
• If something goes wrong, am I willing to reach out for help?
• Can I recognize signs of depression in myself and get help if necessary?

Contribution to society

• Do I volunteer as a means of sharing some of the blessings I’ve received?
• Do I respect my community’s laws?

Behavior

• Do I avoid chemical influences on my judgment, whether drugs or excessive alcohol?
• Am I sensitive to other’s feelings and treat everyone with respect?

Finances

• Am I bettering myself with education and/or work experience so that I could support myself if necessary?
• Am I living within my means?

Past

• Is my relationship with my parents troubled? How might that affect my marriage?
• Have I spent some independent time so that I am not moving directly from my parents’ care to someone else’s?
• Am I working to come to terms with any childhood traumas, not expecting my beloved to heal them?
• Have I healed from wounds from previous relationships, or do they affect my current relationship still?

In general, am I ready to be the type of person I would like to be married to?

This email can be read in about 2 minutes. Of course it will take longer if you seriously consider each question. But wait! That’s not all! After you have thought about your answers, if you are in a serious relationship, reread each question and answer it as honestly as you can about your beloved. Next, think about whether (s)he would answer these questions differently about you?

Granted, no one is perfectly mature. We work in the grey areas of “good enough but working to get better.” However, we need to be able to honestly look at ourselves and decide if we are “ready enough” or if we could use more time, or perhaps some personal counseling to be better prepared. Our weaknesses will cause trouble in our marriage. Conversely, the more mature we are, the stronger our part of the marriage will be.

 My prayers are with you,

Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Spousal differences

Welcome to “4 Minutes 4 Marriage 2008!” 

Watch for “4 Minutes Before Marriage,” which will be added to this blog soon.

            And welcome back to those of you who read entries last Lent. I hope we can cover new facets of relationship enhancement. Like last year, I will refer to couples counselors and relationship specialists to share some of their findings and wisdom.

            A brief introduction, first: My husband and I have been married 30 years and have raised four great daughters. I have a certificate in Spiritual Direction and a Master of Arts in Counseling, which I use to write stories about couples working to keep the “happily” in their “ever after.” That said, let’s jump right in and use our 4 minutes well.

            As we begin this Lenten exploration of marriage, ask yourself, “What do you want your marriage to be like? Close your eyes and imagine your spouse gazing at you with that, “I can’t believe how blessed I am” expression that melts your heart. We want to always feel that blessed, but sometimes our spouse is inexplicably upset. We need to understand him or her more deeply.

            Shaunti Feldhahn set out to understand men better, particularly their inner thoughts. She asked questions of more than 1000 men and later, with her husband Jeff, probed the thoughts of more than 1000 women. They used personal interviews as well as professional surveys. The results are found in two fascinating little books, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. These books reinforce what anyone who is married knows—men and women think differently—but record some surprising findings. (Generalization alert – of course there are many exceptions to everything in the books.)

            Studying the answers of men, Shaunti found that what men want most deeply in a relationship is to be admired or respected by the woman in their life. Given a choice on the survey between feeling loved and feeling respected by their wives, most men chose respected. Being loved is not enough to them. Men need to feel respected in order to feel loved.

            This is news to women, who would (in general) choose being loved over being admired. Of course we all want both! But it becomes clearer as women read about this deep-seated need of men that our little sarcasms, our teasing in public, our seemingly insignificant put-downs devastate our men, though they would feel weak to admit it.

            In The Inner Lives of Women, what seemed obvious to me but surprising to men is that what women most deeply need in their relationships is reassurance of their man’s love. We don’t assume we are loved because we have a ring on our finger. We need to hear it often and experience it in the way we are treated. Women want to be pursued the way we were before we were married. We need to know we still “rock their world.”

            In today’s society women are bombarded by media, and sadly by friends, of stories of men leaving their wives for other women. We’ve been told men are visual and we watch ourselves become less visually beautiful as our bodies sag from childbearing, our skin surrenders to wrinkles, and our hair turns grey or thins. We are afraid we will lose the men we love. We need reassurance every day that we are still the love of their life.

            Seventy percent of women reported that they think about the health of their relationship often or every day. This astounded men. When the relationship is under stress, most women feel like nothing else is right until it is resolved. And it isn’t enough that a woman knows she is loved. If she doesn’t feel loved, she will remain insecure.

            Triggers for a woman’s insecurity include conflict, her husband’s withdrawal (the way men often respond to conflict), his silence (she may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong), absence, unresolved relationship issues, or exhaustion.

STEPS TO ENHANCEMENT:

            WOMEN: Refrain from misdirected humor at our husbands’ expense. Instead, we can give them a priceless gift. Tell them how much we really do admire and respect them. Even better, let them overhear us complimenting them to our friends and watch how they stand taller!

            Men often interpret women’s desire to control things as a sign of disrespect. What to women is simple reminding, to men comes across as criticism or distrust. They know what needs to be done, but may simply place a different level of priority on it. When women ask a question to better understand their husband’s decisions, men perceive us to be questioning their judgment. As hard as it is for today’s women who have striven to be considered equals, men need us to defer to them sometimes. They need to know that we trust their judgment, their ability to figure things out, that they don’t need us to tell them how to do things. Men are highly sensitive to disrespect, even when none was intended.

            Shaunti quotes one man, “If a man’s wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world—or at least his little corner of it.”

            MEN: Be aware of your wife’s insecurity and provide reassurance of your love. Particularly during an argument, tell her you are upset, but that you love her dearly. When you need space, silence, or time to yourself, assure her it isn’t about her. Realize, too, that when she is upset, she doesn’t need space, she needs to be hugged. When she needs to talk about your relationship, try not to be defensive. She doesn’t mean to be critical; she simply wants to problem solve in order to be closer to you.

            The deal is never done. Husbands must continue to woo the woman of their dreams, even when they think they have won her. Wives must continue to support their husbands by showing their deep-felt admiration.

            What do you think? Does any of this ring true for you? Ask your spouse if it does for him or her. It might lead to a very interesting conversation.

Betty Arrigotti

BIBLE VERSE TO PONDER:

            So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.      Ephesians 5:33

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

            Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

            Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.