No Room at the Inn

My thoughts this Christmas center on one phrase: “For there was no room for them at the inn.”

No room for a young woman in labor. No space for a vulnerable infant. What desperation Joseph and Mary must have felt, unless they unquestioningly trusted in God’s providence. And the innkeeper? No doubt he was harried by the crush of busyness brought on with the census, yet what a heavenly opportunity he missed.

We are, sadly, more likely to be the harried inn keeper, than the trusting parents.

As much as I value a life of simplicity, I don’t live that value consistently. Attributing sentimental meaning to things, I accumulate mementos of wonderful experiences, photos of the stages of our married life and parenthood, or artistic works of the beauty I’ve experienced and want to cling to. Having experienced sparse times, I want to spare loved ones any lack and so I store what daughters might need, like strollers and favorite old toys and baby clothes. We are blessed to own a house with a full basement and we’ve put it to full storage use. However, sometimes clutter and busyness and mistaken priorities threaten to crowd out people.

So my husband and I are committed to making space in our lives. Space and time. For actual physical space, we’ve emptied a good portion of our basement by sorting, recycling, donating, selling, or relocating. After years of talking about it, we have begun building a guest suite, or studio apartment—space for family members in those transition times we all seem to experience now and then.

We also are both trying to reprioritize our time by working on self-discipline. There is a time and a place for deepening relationships, house work, creativity, service, and relaxation but when I’m truly honest with myself, I know when I’m using those activities as excuses to avoid the work that God has given me to do. Like the harried inn keeper, I am busy, but missing heavenly opportunities.

Guide us all, Lord, to move closer to your perfect balance.

How is submitting a manuscript like sending a daughter to college?

The same questions confront me.

Before my daughter or my novel ever left home I wondered, “Did we choose the destination well?” “Would this college be a good fit for my daughter” now becomes, “Will this editor/agent/publisher find my novel to be a good fit with their vision?” Just as I questioned whether the world would be kind and see the treasure that my daughters are, I now hope the world will appreciate my book.

“Will she settle in and find friends” parallels, “Will my manuscript find a home?” First an agent’s assistant must see something of value in those pivotal first pages so he or she will pass it on to the agent. If the first chapters pique the agent’s interest, he (in this case) will request the full manuscript. If the remaining chapters don’t let him down and he sees it as a good fit with what publishers seek, he will send it to editors. If one of them likes the concept, the storyline, and my writing, PLUS it aligns with what their publishing house plans to promote, that person will take it to committee and it will compete with other agents’ projects.

Should I have done more? With my daughters, I wondered if they knew enough about laundry and nutrition and choice of friends, not to mention the dangers of dating. With my novel, I wonder if I edited thoroughly enough. Is there enough description? (An element that doesn’t come naturally to me.) Are the plot points and challenges to the hero and heroine believable? Did my message come across or is it too subtle or too obvious?

Will she/my novel settle down and work? Assuming my story beats the odds and is contracted to be published, will readers like it? Will they keep turning the pages and take the book’s heart into their own? Will their world shine a bit brighter because of it? Will they recommend it to their friends and initiate the vital word-of-mouth momentum?

Should we afford this venture? As in the days when we had four daughters to send to school, resources stretch thin. Writing as a career or ministry means foregoing the income I could earn if I weren’t writing. However, finances aren’t the only challenge. I must commit to doing all I can to promote this book, while I continue to find time to write the next one and to market my other novels.

As I wondered how my daughters would do, I also wondered if I would adapt to this new stage in my life. Would I be lonely or feel a new freedom, or both? If my novel succeeds and I begin to become a recognized author, what will I miss about my current status? Will deadlines stress my days and night? Will I lose my flexibility to respond to family requests? Will I be less available to daughters and husband?

When my daughters became young adults I began to pray for wisdom to know when to speak up and when to keep my opinion to myself. That seemed a difficult transition for me. After years of teaching and advising my girls, this new stage required I back off a bit and trust both their choices and their ability to learn from their consequences. I will need the same wisdom to appreciate the recommendations of agents, editors, publishers, and marketers, as well as know when to stand my ground for the integrity of the story. Like the new phase of parenting, perhaps the best question for me to ask those who work to see my book succeed will be, “How can I help?”

What is Holy Saturday all about?

Have you ever asked yourself what Holy Saturday is all about? We know the gift of Good Friday – that Jesus suffered and died for us so that we can experience forgiveness now and joy with Him in Heaven. And we understand the gift of Easter – that Jesus rose from the dead, and so doing, conquered death’s hold over us so that we might rise again, too.

So what is the gift of Holy Saturday?

Imagine what the disciples must have felt like on Saturday. Surely on Friday they were numb and couldn’t believe what had happened. But Saturday came and they had to admit Jesus had died. All their hopes for a better life must have died with him. Jesus—who was so charismatic, so good, so filled with potential, who was going to lead them into a new kingdom—had agonized and then breathed his last on the cross.

Think of the women who followed him and hadn’t been able to embalm his body on Friday. Now on Saturday they were not allowed to do so because of the Sabbath. So they were left with no way to show him their devotion, no opportunity to pay tribute to his body. No work to distract themselves from their loss.

I’ve been there, haven’t you? When all your hopes have been destroyed and you realize your dreams will not be realized. Perhaps when someone you love dies? It takes time to process your loss. Your mind doesn’t want to accept the pain and pushes it away in denial. We want to blame someone and often God takes the brunt of our anger. We are where Lazarus’ sister was when she said, “Lord, if you had been here our brother wouldn’t have died!” We are where Jesus was when he said, “Father, why have you abandoned me?”

But at some point in this Saturday experience, you realize a phase of your life is over and you must bear the loss and go on.

I think the gift of Holy Saturday is that even when we are at our lowest, and everything seems hopeless, and even when we can’t feel God is near, he is. When we are in that dark pit, alone and desolate and frightened, he is there. When we are “going through Hell,” we can know the Son of God has been there, too. There is nowhere we can go where he hasn’t been.

Jesus taught us how to make it through the Holy Saturday loss when, though he felt abandoned, he said, “Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit.” He showed us God still exists, even when we can’t feel him, and we can trust and place ourselves in his hands.

Yes, he could have risen on Saturday morning. Yes, he could give us everything we want right when we want it. But then we wouldn’t be given the gift of being able to say, “God, I can’t feel you here. I can’t understand what has happened. I’d give anything to change it and I don’t know why you allowed it. Still, I believe in you. I know, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, you love me. And I know you are all powerful. So even if I can’t have what I want, I trust you that you know what I need, and you want to shower me with goodness.”

It takes time to get to the point of being able to say this and mean it, all while enduring intense pain. But that’s the gift of Saturday, Time. And because we now know that Jesus did rise and our God isn’t dead, the gift of Saturday is Hope. Because of that Saturday and what happened next we now can trust that a Sunday will come and with it, the resurrection of all that is good.

May all your Saturdays of Despair be followed by Sundays of Life!

Blessings on your Holy Week! I hope this Lent, and these posts have brought you closer to God in some recognizable way. I hope you’ve grown! I hope I have, too.

Our society certainly needs to grow. Matthew Kelly, in his book Rhythm of Life sees three challenges to growth that endanger our culture:

• Minimalism is a common mindset that asks, “What’s the least I can do and still get by?”
• Hedonism tempts us to ask, “If it feels good, why not?”
• Individualism denies interdependence and demands, “What’s in it for me?”

These blockades to growth slip in to our lives barely noticed. How fast can I speed and not get pulled over? This relationship is too challenging, why should I keep trying? Why should I volunteer? I’m already over extended. Which Mass tends to be the shortest? Yet, these mindsets certainly are not an imitation of Christ, who would never have submitted to the cross if he were trying to get away with the least he could do, or what felt good, or what was best for him personally.

Instead, Matthew Kelly suggests a different route.

• Rather than minimalism, we are asked to dream big and attempt great goals. We are challenged to become the very best person we can be. We are asked to discover, “What do I want from life? He suggests we reconnect with our childhood dreams. Rediscover the quiet voice within, who speaks so softly that we must escape the noise of the world to hear. What gifts and passions make us come alive? Who could benefit from what we want to be able to do? We need to take our Sabbath day to rest and slow down so that our harried hurry doesn’t convince us we can only do the minimum. What is the most we can do?”

• Rather than hedonism, we are asked to choose self-discipline, and so doing discover the freedom to do what is right. By discipline we build character, integrity, and strength. We become leaders, rather than pleasure seekers. We can accomplish the goals we discovered when we asked, “What would make my life meaningful?” Instead of accumulation, we desperately need simplicity. For balance we need to grow in all four areas, physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual, even if it doesn’t feel good right now.

• Rather than individualism, we are called to discover the meaning of life by helping others. That assistance will bring a joy and connection which satisfies the loneliness that independence can’t fill. We want and need intimacy in our lives. Relationships challenge and call us to growth.

In my reading, I came across Matthew Kelly’s dreams for us all. As I read them, I thought, Yes! This is what I hope for my children! These are the dreams I want to see them reach. Then I realized, if I want this for them, I must pursue these passionately. I need to be an example to them, no matter how flawed.

Matthew Kelly’s Seven Dreams:

1. I have a dream for you… that you have complete control over your mental and physical faculties and that you are slave neither to food, nor drink, nor any other substance. I dream that you will be free, that you will have freedom in the truest sense of the word—the strength of character to do what is right in each situation.
2. I have a dream for you… that you are able to discern the people, activities, and possessions that are most important to you. And that you are able to give each of them their time and place according to the appropriate priority,
3. I have a dream for you… that you have the courage, determination, firmness, and persistence to perform the tasks that you choose, decide, and resolve to perform. That you perform them with a commitment to excellence and attention to detail.
4. I have a dream for you… that you discover a unique talent that leads you to dedicate the professional aspect of your life to some work you can be passionate about. I dream that you may enjoy the rare privilege of spending your days in meaningful work. That you serve your neighbor, your family, and your community in this occupation and that by it, you are able to provide for your temporal needs.
5. I have a dream for you…that you grow in wealth in every sense of the word, that you are never in need, and that whatever your wealth is, you share it with all you can.
6. I have a dream for you… that you find true love. Someone you can cherish. Someone who makes you want to be a better person. A soul-mate who can challenge you and love you. A companion who can walk with you, know you, share your joy, perceive your pain and heartache, and comfort you in your disappointments.
7. I have a dream for you… that you discover a deep and abiding interior peace. The peace that comes from knowing that who you are, where you are, and what you do is essentially good and makes sense; that you are contributing to the happiness of others; and that you are progressing toward becoming the best-version-of-yourself.

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

Notice God’s Love

I want to challenge you to try something. Ask God to show you today how much you are loved. Then—here’s the challenge—pay attention and notice when He does, because He will, but you might not expect the method He chooses.

Rev. Michael Harvey spoke recently about a study that showed people in other countries are more open to spiritual experiences than we are in the States. We tend to lead our lives in such a hurried, busy state that we are too distracted to notice that small miracles surround us. We are spiritual as well as physical beings. So, why is it so hard for us to believe we are surrounded by a spiritual as well as physical world? We need to practice being aware of how God touches our lives.

Sometimes God shows us his love through nature:

• In the vastness of the ocean, or stars, or a mountain range.
• Or perhaps in the craft of a frost-covered spider web, or the contrast of red berries next to the white bark of a birch tree.
• Maybe you’ll be entertained by the play of a puppy, the speed of a horse, or the call of a bird you haven’t heard before.
• Maybe your heart dances when the first daffodil or crocus opens, or daphne causes you to inhale deeply.

God can speak to your heart through other people:

• Someone’s words may strike home and seem like a personal message for your life.
• A friend calls or stops by to visit.
• An unexpected kindness makes your smile reach your eyes.
• You listen to lyrics and a melody, or see beauty in a painting and are uplifted.
• You can certainly know God’s affection through the embrace of a loved one.
• Or sometimes, witnessing another’s misfortune, you realize how blessed you are.

If we are alert, we see the hand of God in coincidences:

• Uncanny timing brings an old friend across your path, or averts an accident.
• A deadline you weren’t ready for is suddenly postponed.
• God was definitely cherishing you the day, the moment, when you met the love of your life.

You may experience God within you:

• Inspiration comes and a problem is solved.
• Your prayers bring you to a new awareness of God’s nearness and love.
• Forgiveness you couldn’t quite attain settles gently into your soul.
• A pervasive moodiness lifts and you re-experience joy.
• You reach a goal that had eluded your efforts.
• You suddenly realize what unrecognized gifts you’ve been given in your abilities, or your family, or your health.

In fact, if you want to grasp the wealth of God’s love for you, list the aspects of your life that make you grateful. Look to the past:

• Note where God has blessed, rescued, or forgiven you.
• Remember that even the times you suffered often brought forth growth. Perhaps a relationship ended and you were devastated, but later you fell in love with someone more perfect for you.
• Go beyond your own past and study history to see God’s hand in it. Appreciate what your ancestors risked in order for you to know freedom and opportunity.

God can speak to you in pain:

• Ponder the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.
• Many people first find God when they are suffering, at the lowest point in their lives. When they cannot go on, they reach out to Him and experience a peaceful comfort and realize He sustains them.

Let’s open our eyes/hearts/souls to God and all the countless graces He showers on us each day and discover a critical step to growth. Once we know deep down, undeniably, that we are loved, it frees us to a sense of gratitude and an ability to love ourselves and others.

Discover what circumstances prove easiest for you to recognize God’s tender presence. For me, because I love nature, He tends to touch me in the beauty of sunshine, flowers, birds, and wildlife. I feel treasured when a flock of geese flies overhead or I spy a hidden deer. I also feel God-cherished through my family. When my husband smiles at me, or I hold a tiny baby, I connect with that spiritual world.

If you are like me, you may start out your day with the best intention to notice God’s love notes. Then the business of the day wears on and suddenly it’s bedtime and you haven’t thought about it again. That’s ok. You can mull over your day with a sense of gratitude as you fall asleep. And then you can begin again tomorrow because God will show you His love any day you choose to recognize it.

If we believe that God is love, we touch God whenever we open our hearts. Will you notice Him loving you today? Or will someone else notice because of your loving actions?

May you discover new depths of God’s personal, intimate love for you this week!

Man to man about marriage:

My husband George is an amazing spouse! We celebrate 35  years of happy marriage this week, so I invited him to offer advice to men about marriage. Here’s what he had to say:

Respect:

• A woman is a gift of great value to be treasured throughout your life. She is easily the most valuable gift you will ever receive on this earth, and must be treated with respect at all times.
• Be cautious with criticizing her, even in private.
• Never express disappointment about choosing her to be your partner, or comparing her to previous partners, or current acquaintances.
• Never speak as though you’ve had enough, or would ever consider leaving her or ending the relationship.
• When you’ve hurt her (or learned after the fact that you’ve hurt her), apologize. And mean it. Even if you have rationalizations in your head, just go with the apology. Try to understand why she was hurt, even if you don’t think that you would have been in the same situation. Only if you can do it without sounding antagonistic, ask her for advice on what you could have said or done differently to handle the situation.

Careers:

• Don’t ever talk about money as though it were ‘yours’. All money is ‘ours’ in the family, regardless of whose paycheck it comes from.
• Never treat your job as more important than hers, whether you make more money than she does or not.
• If she does take a traditional role in your family, such as at-home mom, remember that she’s doing this by choice for your good and the good of the family, not because she’s any less capable.
• With your children, take care that they realize that her staying home or working away from home are options, and neither is an expected role for women.

Gratitude:

• Thank her for the normal things she does daily for you and the family. Even if you thank her every day for the same things. There should be several times each day when you acknowledge her efforts and thank her:
• When you get up from a meal: “Thank you for dinner!” (And clear your place.)
• When clean clothes appear in your drawers or closet: “Thanks for the clean clothes!” Or when there’s clean laundry on the bed to be folded: “Thanks for doing the laundry!” (Help fold them and put them away, at least your own items.)
• New groceries in the fridge or cabinet: “Thanks for shopping for us!”
• When you notice that a room looks especially nice, tell her so! (But avoid any comparison with past condition.)

Attention:

• Give her a generous hug, at least three times a day. Hold on to her as long as she wants.
• A woman needs to be told that her looks please you. And she needs to hear it frequently. Never just count on her ‘knowing’ that you love how she looks all the time (even if you do). When you notice something nice about her clothes, or hair, or face (or figure!) or whatever, tell her she looks great, or pretty, or nice, or whatever you feel. But don’t force it, or make something up. This shouldn’t be hard; of course you love how she looks! And don’t compare to any previous time (you look better today than yesterday). And don’t say that she looks nice ‘today’ (possibly implying that she doesn’t on other days). But OK to say that she looks ‘especially nice today’.

Communication:

• Don’t tease her by saying something that isn’t true, or isn’t what you mean, as a joke. Don’t make her guess if what you say can reliably be taken at face value, or must be tested for believability before accepting it. It may be funny to you, but never is to her. It’s embarrassing to be made to feel stupid by believing something false that was said in jest.
• Be cautious with other teasing, as well. Preferably don’t tease her about anything! Teasing is never nice, even if she seems to laugh, go along with it, and say that it’s OK. She could fear that there’s a grain of truth in whatever
  you’re teasing her about, whether there is or not (and there often is).
• Talk with her! She loves talking with you, about anything (as long as you’re not the one doing all the talking).
• Listen to her! And pay attention while you do. She needs to know that you’re hearing what she has to say. Ask her, every day, how her day went. And listen while looking at her, not while reading, or checking email, or watching TV. Remember that sometimes she just wants to be heard, and doesn’t want to you offer advice or try to ‘fix’ the things she tells you about. (But be sure that when she does ask you to fix something, you take it seriously!)
• Learn how to disagree (and even express your anger) without raising your voice. A raised voice in a man is a danger signal to a woman. No matter how well she knows you, she may fear being physically or emotionally hurt.
• If not done as part of your marriage preparation, realize that you likely have different methods of resolving conflicts, and that you now need to have a common method. It’s best to have some rules that you discuss when you’re not emotional.
• Never try to make her feel stupid.

Family & Friends:

• Women need family and relationships, much more so than you might. Don’t try to keep her from seeing or communicating with friends or family. And be sure to consider this strongly in decisions about where you’ll live or what job you’ll take.
• Never complain about your wife to friends or family.
• Never embarrass her in front of the children, or anyone.
• Make an effort to compliment her in front of others, and say how proud you are of her, for whatever reason that you are. Or what you like about her, or why your treasure her.

The Future

• Realize that you both brought dreams, goals, hopes, and desires to your relationship. Some of those now need to be subjugated to hers, and to the higher dreams and goals of the relationship. When you marry, you agree that your personal priorities will change to support your joint relationship. You don’t need to give up everything, just realize that some things may not be possible right away, and that some may no longer be appropriate.
• Ask her what her dreams and goals are, and what she’d like to see in the relationship. And then, simply listen, and listen some more.

Betty here: Didn’t I tell you he is an amazing guy? Some of these recommendations come naturally to him and some we’ve learned the hard way, over the years.

Ladies, be careful how you show this to your husband so that he doesn’t feel criticized! Maybe instead, thank him for how he currently shows his love for you. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!

Blessings on your week!

The Best Version of Ourselves

Remember Matthew Kelly’s The Seven Levels of Intimacy I briefly listed two weeks ago? We spent a little time considering Level 4, Hopes and Dreams. Today I’d like us to talk about Level 7, Legitimate Needs. God gave us these needs as clues to help us thrive.

An ongoing theme in Kelly’s writing is his encouragement that we strive to become “the best version of ourselves.” To do so, we need to constantly grow in all four legitimate need areas:

1. Physical – Eat well, exercise, sleep regularly. Let each decision we make in this area (and all areas) be tested by asking ourselves, “Will this (cupcake, walk, bedtime) make me a better version of myself?”
2. Emotional – Give focus and priority to relationships. We talked about this last week in the concept of carefree timelessness. Spending time intended for simple enjoyment with the important people in our lives will enhance our relationships and bring us joy.
3. Intellectual – We become what we read. As individuals and societies, we become the stories we listen to. What stories occupy your time? If you are like me, we access our stories on television, in the newspaper, in the books we read, and the time we spend online. Do these stories portray heroes we’d like to emulate? Kelly recommends we choose our inputs wisely and give at least ten minutes a day to reading great books.
4. Spiritual – We spend particular focus on our spiritual growth during Lent. Yes, we may eat better, or exercise more as an attempt to be healthier, but these are disciplines we practice, and discipline is the road to growing spiritually. Kelly recommends we start our spiritual discipline with ten minutes per day spent in what he calls “the classroom of silence.”

When you stop to realize and truly believe that our God, who is All Powerful but also All Loving, yearns to have a one-on-one, face-to-face, heart-to-heart relationship with you, cares about you intimately, wants what is the very best for you, and would do and give everything toward that end, the experience of such intense love will light a spark within you. The spark will ignite a fire that is sometimes a warm glow and other times an encompassing inferno.

By human nature, even though we experience these moments of understanding when we are awed by the realization of God with us, before long we return to our mundane worries and cares. To counteract this and continue to grow in our relationship with God, we need to choose to keep returning to the awareness of his presence. To always be aware of God’s nearness is a wonderful goal but for now, let’s commit to drawing ourselves back to the spiritual with the discipline of setting aside time to refocus on God.

• We can reconnect to the loving presence by many routes. We can turn our thoughts to prayer at any time or place, even at red lights while our cars and spirits idle.
• We can inform our life decisions and our knowledge of God’s way by studying scripture and inspirational writing.
• Together with our faith family, we avail ourselves of God’s graces together in the sacraments of the Church. Do you sometimes agree with your children who complain that church is boring? If so, pray before the service that God will show you one way to become a better version of yourself. Then listen to the songs, the readings, the homily, and the voice in your heart. One phrase will excite you. Write it down in a small journal and pray about it. You’ll be amazed at how the Spirit has been reaching out to you at every service and you didn’t notice.

This doesn’t need to be a lone pursuit. Focus on helping loved ones achieve their legitimate needs and you will grow closer to God and each other.

Homework: Commit to the discipline of ten minutes of attention daily to each of the four areas of legitimate needs. If that seems overwhelming, start with one and add another each week.

May God bless you and your willingness to work toward growth!

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

Carefree Timelessness

Welcome back to our 4 Minutes 4 Growth. I hope you shared a discussion of hopes and dreams with someone you love.

Would you like to feel even closer to that someone?

Matthew Kelly writes that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.

When have we experienced carefree timelessness in our lives?

Remember when we first met the love of our life and how easily the hours could pass spent in one another’s company? Conversations were easy and fun. We could share a lengthy visit in person or on the phone without running out of topics to cover, not because we needed to exchange information, simply because we enjoyed the time together.

Think of how, as a teen, you could spend hours talking on the phone. Now teens can connected by both phone and computer. But if you ask them what they talked about they’ll still  shrug and say, “Nothing much,” like we did to our parents.

Or remember how close you felt to the people who shared your last vacation? Our walks along the beach, hikes on forest trails, or easy games of Frisbee didn’t accomplish concrete goals, but rather social and relational ones. We relaxed. We realized how much we value the people close to us.

Sadly, our busy-ness today is an enemy of growing intimacy and deepening relationships. There’s a recent trend in the work place that employees don’t take all the vacation time they accrue. What a lost opportunity to share with our families that down time that seems so simple and yet draws us so close.

Maybe due to our tightened belts we take “stay-cations” and don’t leave home. Yet, if we don’t leave our day-to-day responsibilities behind, we risk taking on yard or home projects to accomplish, rather than refreshing our spirits.

And oh, dear, our Sabbaths suffer. Given to us as a gift from our Creator to help us renew ourselves weekly, Sundays instead become a work day to cram in what we think we must accomplish before the next week begins: laundry, homework, unfinished office work, or shopping. Sabbaths are meant for renewal of ourselves and our relationships.

Our lives find their meaning in our relationships. Ask the people lying in the hospital, soon to leave this earth what made their lives important. It’s the people who stand at their bedside, the people they’ve loved or served, who are the monuments to their existence. The lives they’ve touched and improved give testimony to their accomplishments more than their promotions or patents.

Yes, we need to work, and our employment is an opportunity to minister to the world by how we behave or what we produce. However, our love will survive us and influence the world more profoundly.

There’s a country song, “She Thinks We’re Just Fishin’,” which portrays a dad realizing the times he spends fishing with his little girl are moments they both will remember and treasure. Go “fishing” with someone important to you!

I know one dad who jogs with each of his young adult children when they get together. I can imagine the interesting conversations caught between breaths. Another father sets aside Sunday afternoons to call each of his grown daughters, simply to catch up and stay connected. One friend never listens to music while driving her children, preferring the spontaneous conversations that seem easier when not sitting face to face. I remember my mother suggesting window-shopping walks downtown at night after our small town stores had closed. I don’t recall any life-changing conversations, but those walks told me she valued our time together, when time was a scarce commodity for a single mother.

So, this week’s homework: Spend a little carefree time with someone you love. No agenda, no goals to meet. Simply relish the moments together. Call a friend. Write a letter. Take a walk with one of your children and focus on him or her and the joy of sharing time. Play a game, not to win or teach, but for fun.

If you’d really like to test the parameters of this tool to intimacy, spend some carefree timelessness with God. Visit the Blessed Sacrament in perpetual adoration chapels, or sit in an easy chair near a window and turn your attention to him. Recognize you are in his presence always and everywhere. Chat with him. And listen.

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

“What are your hopes and dreams?”

Recently my husband and I listened to spirituality speaker and author Matthew Kelly’s recording, The Seven Levels of Intimacy. To briefly list them:

1. Clichés – “How are you?” “Fine, thanks.” We use these to socialize, but they can draw us closer or be used to keep people at a distance.
2. Facts – “I see your team won yesterday.” Again, these interactions can enhance or block increased intimacy.
3. Opinions – These open us to greater sharing, but are fraught with danger. People think they need to convince others to their opinions.
4. Hopes and Dreams – Nothing is more fulfilling than chasing down a dream, or more satisfying than helping someone live their dreams. Sharing hopes and dreams enhances intimacy.
5. Feelings – Knowing our feelings, being comfortable about them, expressing them in the right place, at the right time, to the right person. Contrary to what our culture thinks, love isn’t based on understanding, but rather on acceptance. Some feelings aren’t meant to be understood, only accepted.
6. Fears, Faults, & Failures – These drive us away from the best versions of ourselves and from intimacy. Do you know your fears? Do you know the fears of those around you? When people allow themselves to be vulnerable and express these, powerful intimacy grows.
7. Legitimate Needs – Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual – God gave us these clues to help us thrive. Eat well, exercise, sleep regularly, give focus and priority to relationships, read great books, and finally value silence, solitude, scriptures, and sacraments. You never can get enough of what you don’t need; you only can get enough of what you need. Focus on helping each other achieve legitimate needs and you will grow close.

Driving in the car (the kind of captive-conversation situation that I love but makes my husband groan), we asked each other, “What are your hopes and dreams?”

We are both in a stage of life where many of our dreams have been accomplished. Our children are grown and leading productive lives. My husband is doing well at work, recognized for his abilities. Thanks to his work, we’ve traveled to some amazing places together. I’ve met my goal of having a book published, and recently a second. We’ve lived to delight in a grandchild and are anticipating a second in May.

We feel very grateful for all we’ve accomplished and been blessed with, but it was nice to realize we aren’t finished with dreams. We still have hopes for our “someday.” Hearing each other talk about them drew us closer, and created a sense of excitement. We realized we still have adventures ahead of us, and as a team we can help each other move toward our individual goals. Two of my dreams are to vastly reduce what I own, and to finance a well for a community in need of clean water.

What are your hopes and dreams? Have you taken time lately to think about them? Have you talked to your spouse or soul mate about them? (Maybe one of your goals is to find a soul mate!) Do you know what your “significant other” hopes and dreams about? How about your children? Our intimacy will deepen if we talk to each other about our dreams. It will skyrocket if we work to help each other to achieve them!

So, homework:

1. Ask yourself what hopes and dreams you have for your future. Write them down. Pick one you can start working on. What’s the first step? Take it this week!
2. Ask your beloved or your children what dreams they have for the years ahead. Matthew recommends couples keep a shared notebook of their hopes and dreams, reviewing it often and discussing it together. What could you start working on together this week?

You can learn more about Matthew Kelly at www.DynamicCatholic.com

My sequel, Where Hope Leads, is available in print! The setting is Christmas in Ireland, so very timely. You can find it at http://www.oaktara.com/bookpage-wherehopeleads through Oaktara, the publisher. It should soon be available to order at Amazon and Barnes and Noble, too. To anyone who buys it by December 1, I’ll email you my 3 favorite Irish recipes. If I’ll see you in person soon, let me know and I can bring a copy!