Grief and Depression

Today is a gloomy day and the weather seems fitting to focus on subjects as difficult as Grief and Depression. But grief is part of life, and depression is widespread and dangerous, and anything we can do to fight it, we should do. Maybe some of you are here because you love someone who is depressed, and you want to know how to help them. Maybe some of you have admitted to yourselves that you are depressed, and somehow found the energy to come, hoping for help. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask who’s who.

Depression has hit my family in the past. Some family members were adults. Some were children. I know how exhausting and difficult it can be to live with someone who is depressed. It might be part of why, as an adult, I went back to school to study counseling. Just a disclaimer, I’m not a professional therapist, and I can’t speak to you as well as someone who has years of counseling experience and a doctorate degree. But I can talk to you from my own experience, from the study I have done, and from a spiritual perspective.

Grief

Let’s start by talking about grief, a sense of sadness brought about from loss. We don’t reach our age without experiencing grief. As seniors, it is to be expected that we suffer losses.

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose our youth, our strength, maybe our good looks, 😉but more importantly, our dear friends, and perhaps our spouses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair.

We may downsize our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked and lived independently until she was 88, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought only two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace and without complaint.

Our society tends to discount us, rather than to value our experience and wisdom. If we’ve retired, we’ve lost some of our identity that we associated with our work. Perhaps we feel we’ve lost meaning.

We haven’t, of course. We gain our worth and our meaning and our identity from our God and our relationships. But we have experienced loss and therefore, grief. Grief is normal. It shows we’ve loved deeply and lived richly. It is part of living. Not a part we seek out, or want to experience, but a part of life.

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

Viorst writes,

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up, and giving up, and giving up, some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

Here are a few times in our lives when we had to let go, followed by what we gained by doing so:

Childhood’s End –

We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions.

The Married State –

We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go –

In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth –

Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or whom we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones –

Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality –

By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

So, there we have it. Times in our lives will hurt us. But because of that hurt we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Like my Grandma used to say as she rocked me, “This too shall pass.”

We might regain what we lost, but more likely we will grieve and hurt and then learn something along the way. We will deepen our character. The more we grow, the greater our peace and happiness can be in this life, as well as in the next.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart, to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

• Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
• Life is never the same after a loved one dies, or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
• God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
• Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, when we grieve, we should:

• Spend time in nature and prayer.
• Gather with those who are supportive.
• Share a meal with loved ones.
• Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
• Go out and serve others.

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through difficult circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our current limitations only allow us to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Necessary Losses teaches us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Of course, aging isn’t all loss and sadness. We are still learning and growing, even in our old age. Erik Erikson, in his stages of psychological development, talks about the conflicts of being this age….

What he calls Middle-aged adults, 40 to 65 years old, struggle with the conflict between Generativity vs. Stagnation. We can focus on contributing to society and guiding the next generation, or we may feel stagnant and unproductive.

Generativity involves a desire to leave a lasting legacy, guide the next generation, and contribute to society through meaningful work, mentoring, or raising children. Individuals experiencing generativity feel useful, productive, and have a sense of accomplishment in their lives. 

Stagnation, on the other hand, involves feeling unproductive, uninvolved, and disconnected from the world. Individuals experiencing stagnation may lack a sense of purpose and feel that their work or life has little impact. 

Erikson continues to talk about older adults, aged 65 and over, and how we reflect on our lives and develop a sense of integrity, wholeness and acceptance, or experience despair and regret if we are dissatisfied with our accomplishments.

Again, key aspects of this stage include:

• Reflection and Acceptance: Individuals at this stage look back on their lives and consider their accomplishments, relationships, and overall experiences. 
• Sense of Integrity: Those who feel a sense of fulfillment and pride in their lives develop ego integrity, a feeling of wholeness and acceptance of their past. 

But, if individuals feel they haven’t lived a fulfilling life or have significant regrets, they may experience despair, bitterness, and a fear of death. 

Successfully navigating this stage leads to the virtue of wisdom, a sense of completeness and understanding of life’s journey leading to a peaceful acceptance of aging and death. 

Matthew Kelly, with Allen Hunt, also talks about the importance of the last quarter of our life in their book, The Fourth Quarter of Your Life. (Which he counts as living beyond 60…) They write:

“The unavoidable truth is we are going to die. Most of us are in the last quarter of our lives. To have no regrets when death comes, use your thoughts, words, choices, and actions, to close the gap between who you are today and who you are capable of being. This is the path that leads to a deeply fulfilling fourth quarter. The shortness of life is an invitation to grasp every moment and experience it fully.

Let the young have their physical beauty. Elevate your pursuits to wisdom and soul beauty. Fill your days with wisdom, live that wisdom by aging gracefully, share that wisdom with the people who cross your path, and the beauty of your soul will shine for all to see.”

They list 5 signs of a successful 4^th quarter:

• Physically active lifestyle
• Mental stimulation
• Social engagement
• Meaning and Purpose
• Spiritual vitality

And they offer 5 keys to living and dying with no regrets:

1. Say yes to God: God invites you on a wonderful journey. When you say yes to God’s invitation, you know where you’re going.
2. Focus on a Fourth Quarter Virtue: Pursue one particular virtue that God has specifically placed in you. Then watch it blossom in all areas of your life.
3. Give. It. Away: The more you give things and yourself away, the happier you’ll be.
4. Be Open to Life: Your 4^th quarter can be more of a birthing than a dying. Be open to what can be.
5. Forgive. Often: Bitter and resentful is no way to live. And it’s definitely no way to die.

A separate word about forgiving comes from a book called Healing the Eight Stages of Life. We’ve heard about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, but the authors believe they apply to forgiveness, too.

A person usually goes through the five stages in dying, or in unconditionally forgiving any hurt.

• The first stage is denial, when we pretend it didn’t happen.
• The second stage is anger, when we blame the person out there.
• The third stage is bargaining, when we say, “I’ll forgive, only if…”
• The fourth stage is depression when we blame ourselves.
• And the fifth stage is acceptance, when we can be grateful not for the evil, but for how it has gifted us in many ways, especially in even being able to reach out to the person who hurt us.

The authors saw better results in a person moving through the stages if they had a significant person with whom they could share their feelings and be loved. In prayer, if we share these stages with Jesus and allow him to be a significant person for us, we’ll move automatically through the five stages.

Pope Francis, in a pamphlet called The Gifts of Aging, says the older generation can be:

• A bridge of wisdom for the younger generations.
• The roots of a tree that allow the young to flower and fruit.
• The source of our families’ culture and wisdom.
• A source of tenderness, especially to our children and grandchildren.
• A teacher of attentiveness to those in greatest need.
• A sharer of dreams to pass on to youth.
• An example of gratitude.
• A reminder to the next generation of what is most important.

Pope Francis adds:

• We keep memory alive to share with our young.
• We see history with clarity and pass it on.
• Our new vocation is to preserve our roots, pass on faith to the young, and care for little ones.
• Most importantly, we are prayer warriors for our families and communities.

Ok, that was a lot about grief, followed by the positive side of this time of life. How is grief different than depression?

Grief and depression can share some overlapping symptoms, such as sadness and loss of interest, but they are distinct experiences. Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and other symptoms. Grief typically comes in waves and may be interspersed with positive memories, whereas depression tends to be more constant and debilitating. Furthermore, grief often involves a sense of loss and uncertainty, while depression can involve low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. 

• Grief is a normal response to loss, while depression is a psychological disorder. 
• Grief is a process that can fluctuate over time, while depression tends to be more persistent. 
• Grief may be intense but can be interspersed with periods of normalcy, while depression is more pervasive and debilitating. 
• Grief often preserves self-esteem, while depression is often associated with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. 
• Grief is centered on the loss and the relationship with the deceased, while depression is more personal and can involve a wide range of negative thoughts and feelings. 

• Depression can sometimes be a complication of grief, especially if the grieving process is prolonged or complicated. 
• If either grief or depression symptoms persist or significantly interfere with daily life, seeking professional help may be necessary. 

Again, if we accept that aging brings loss and loss brings grief, grief is a normal part of our experience.

Depression is not. Depression isn’t normal or healthy or something just to accept. Depression is abnormal. It is destructive and unnecessary and something to be fought against and worked through, not just for ourselves, but for our loved ones. Depression affects everyone who cares for the sufferer. (Read 2x)

What is depression?

Depression is a common mental disorder characterized by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, and other symptoms that can affect daily life. It’s more than just feeling sad; it’s a serious condition that can impact a person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and overall well-being. Depression is treatable, and a combination of therapy and medication can help individuals recover.

Researchers have discovered a link between depression and other serious illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer, thyroid disease, and Parkinson’s disease. A complete physical and lab work may be an essential part of the diagnostic assessment for clinical depression

Let’s talk first about the most commonly experienced type of depression that I’m going to call overt depression.

Some of the most common signs and symptoms of overt depression are:

• Feelings of sadness, guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Irritability or restlessness
• Loss of interest in or enjoyment of activities or relationships previously enjoyed

• Change in appetite, often resulting in over- or under-eating
• Low energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• And sadly, Thoughts of suicide

What does it look like? Different people express their depression in different ways.

• Sadness
• Anger
• Lack of emotion
• Lack of energy
• Hopelessness even to the point of suicidal ideation

What causes it?

• Brain chemical imbalance which can be brought on by…
• Prolonged stress
• Catastrophic events
• Some medical conditions
• Sleep disorders
• Genetic predisposition

Those are the typical descriptions of overt depression.

But some depression, in fact in men, possibly most depression, can be covert. Instead of observing the person’s sadness, we may instead see anger, or violence, or addiction. In our society, men are often raised to separate themselves from what might be considered “feminine” behaviors or feelings.

A book called, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by family counselor Terrence Real, talks about men and how being raised in our society can damage men from the time they are little boys. They are supposed to distance themselves from their mothers, who have been their source of love and safety until they are three or four. Then, suddenly, they’re made to feel weak if they want to be with them or if they look for their mom’s attention. Their dads, if they are around, may try to teach them they’re supposed to be tough and strong and not have feelings.

Boys are discouraged from expressing their pain. They are supposed to endure it, or ignore it. And they are supposed to be strong enough to deal with troubles on their own, without help. At least, those are the messages many boys take in. They aren’t encouraged or shown how to express or discuss feelings like shame. So, they bury it. Or they compensate for it with aggression or addiction. And even more sadly, they often pass on their depression to their sons.

Unfortunately, according to this book, young men might succeed at stuffing feelings down until they don’t even know they’re there. Then they become adults, and two things happen. On the one hand, women suddenly want them to be in touch with feelings that they’ve disowned for twenty some years. On the other, the only feeling some seem to be able to pull out in times of stress is anger. It’s as if they traded all the range of emotions—from tenderness and love to frustration and fear. They traded them all away and are only left with anger.

Depression in men often goes unrecognized because they don’t demonstrate the obvious deep sadness that overt depression expresses. Covert depression can be well hidden for years, but at a cost. A man who has experienced his own father’s depression can grow up with a sense of shame that he works valiantly to hide. He can’t face the pain of a traumatic or neglected childhood, so he masks it.

Unfortunately, often that shame is covered up by means of self-medicating, like through alcohol or drugs. He uses a substance or an experience to numb the pain. He might use a different addiction, like sex or violence, work or food, or lose himself in TV or video games. These crutches keep him from feeling, but they also keep him from loving and from intimacy. If they lose their crutch of choice, say they work to become sober, without the addiction crutch they begin to feel the pain of their past, and usually they’ll find another way to avoid the pain. Such men need a dual diagnosis of addiction and depression. They need to end the addiction before they can work on the depression, and ending the addiction takes away the defenses that kept the pain at bay.

Men who don’t know how to deal with the trauma of a childhood of neglect or violence, often compensate, or over-compensate, for the shame they can’t let themselves feel, by finding a way to become grandiose. They’ll become overachievers, or bullies, or find ways to prove themselves better than others, but are unable to connect to people who love them, or even to connect to their inner selves.

So, what’s the answer for them? Terrance Real, believes that the way out of depression is through grief. They may have to feel the pain and confront it and begin to process their painful experiences in order to heal. They’ll need a professional to help them through the process.

There are, however, things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who are suffering from depression.

With either covert or overt depression, Self-help strategies for fighting depression for sufferers and loved ones include:

Physical strategies

             Exercise – movement raises our endorphins.

             Time Outdoors in fresh air

Diet – healthier eating

             More regular sleep schedules can help

Social strategies

• Social support of family and friends or a trusted minister –
• People who are depressed or grieving need someone who they can talk to who isn’t judgmental, who they feel safe with. It might help to have someone to exercise with so that they are accountable, making it harder to skip. At one point, my daughter and I set aside a time each evening for us to walk and let her talk about her sadness. She knew she would be heard and could wait until then. I think it put parameters around her feelings.
• (If you don’t feel like you have social support, maybe attend the Senior Luncheon – there’s nice people and good food!)

Spiritual strategies include

             Meditation, prayer, calming exercises

             Plus, we all need to foster a “Gratitude Attitude” and count our blessings.

It sounds simple, right? Just exercise more, get outdoors, eat well, sleep well, find friends to talk to, pray more, concentrate on feeling grateful. We know all these things will definitely be helpful, but….

             Sadly, Depression steals away our energy and self-discipline and makes it very difficult for a sufferer to force him or herself to take advantage of these self-help strategies.

If it were just up to the sufferers, and if they were just trying to benefit themselves, depression’s lack of energy might make it seem nearly impossible. But if the person can realize that their efforts benefit their families and their loved ones, they might find the determination to become superheroes and step up to the challenge. What they can’t do for themselves, they may be able to do for their loved ones, for the next generation, or for their God. Even the sufferers whose depression is rooted in their childhood, can break the chain so that they don’t pass it on to their children or grandchildren.

If the depressed person has tried self-help strategies and hasn’t been able to keep them up, or if they haven’t helped, it’s time for professional help. Maybe you’ve nagged and encouraged and cajoled someone who is depressed to no avail.

Or maybe that loved one has had thoughts or signs of self-harm, then it is definitely time for professional help.

You need professional help when

• A severely depressed person has progressed to the point of being suicidal. If you or your loved one is having thoughts of self harm. If you imagine yourself stepping out into traffic..
• if they talk about the world being better off without them,
• if they begin to give away their prized possessions,
• or talk about death…

…it is critical that they get professional help. Suicide is an all-too-common risk of depression. Thoughts of self-harm, especially if the person begins forming a plan, are an emergency and the person should be taken to a hospital.

But here’s the good news, depression is very treatable! Professional strategies will include talk therapy , such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where a therapist will help you explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They’ll encourage you to challenge the validity of your thoughts, overcoming negative thinking and facing your fears. Does everyone really dislike you? Are you really bad at everything? Are you really worthless? Helpless? Hopeless? Then new thoughts can bring about new feelings and behavior.

Professional strategies may possibly include medication. There are many antidepressants today, and even if the first one tried doesn’t work, or has unpleasant side effects, there are many more options. (One of my family members needed to try two. One tried 12, but the 12^th worked wonders!)

There should be no shame in getting the treatment that our bodies need. We wouldn’t refuse insulin if we were diabetic. Medication, combined with professional therapy, can make a huge difference and can release people from the prison of their sadness, helping them to become the best version of themselves.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has helped. I hope you persevere until you find help.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deathor mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Rev 21:4

Resources

• Hotline (911 or 988) https://988lifeline.org/  suicide and crisis hotline

• Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families  https://adultchildren.org/
• https://al-anon.org  For families and friends of alcoholics
• https://www.oregon.gov/oha/HSD/AMH/Pages/Mental-Health.aspx  (Oregon gov site)
• www.mentalhealthcenters.net  Oregon  – Mental Health Services – Mental Health Centers
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Oregon namior.org   For support, contact 503-230-8009 or namioregon@namior.org.
• Hospitals
• Ministers

Medicare covers many mental health services to support you, including depression screenings, individual and group therapy, and family counseling. You may be able to get mental health counseling and treatment, including addiction recovery, from home via telehealth.

Books I referred to:

Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart by Marilyn Willett Heavilin

What Pope Francis Says About the Gifts of Aging: 30 Days of Reflections and Prayers, pamphlet by Deborah McCann

The Fourth Quarter of Your Life, by Matthew Kelly and Allen Hunt

Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst

I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by Terrence Real

Healing the Eight Stages of Life, by Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks, by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD

Slowing Down 7 – Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter!

We arrive again at our Good Friday, when we contemplate Our Lord being tortured and giving up His life for our salvation.

We’ve talked about slowing down in order to live more mindfully, more conscientiously. By doing so, we can live more spiritually. Isn’t that the true goal of our lives, to be in relationship with our God: Father, Son, and Spirit?

I think about the followers of Jesus, and how they must have despaired to see their Hope die on a cross and be entombed. What is left when even Hope is gone? On that Friday, they must have been devastated and in shock, feeling so very confused.

Then Holy Saturday followed. The numbness subsided and the pain ached, both real and unrelenting. No doubt they felt abandoned and maybe even angry. They’d changed their lives for a dream that now seemed destroyed.

Have you been there? Have you received devastating news? Have you heard a frightening diagnosis, or learned of the death of a loved one, or realized your child was lost, either literally or spiritually? You’ve known your own suffering and death of that dark Friday. You’ve awakened the next day, your Holy Saturday, only to realize anew what you’ve lost. And maybe your Holy Saturday goes on and on for days or months or years.

Yet, we have a gift that the disciples didn’t on Holy Saturday. We know about Easter Sunday. We know there is hope ahead, and that evil and death have been conquered. We will all have our Holy Saturdays that feel like waiting in Limbo, but we are an Easter people. We strive to live mindfully and conscientiously and spiritually. We have faith and hope and love. We know our Easter will come. The resurrection will be ours, too.

Easter is coming! Rejoice!

Thank you for reading these Lenten posts. I hope at least one line has touched your soul.

One last bonus section for your consideration, or maybe amusement: 20 Ideas for Slowing Down Your Overall Pace of Life, from The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, by John Mark Comer:

1. Drive the speed limit.
2. Get into the slow lane. Pray while you drive.
3. Come to a full stop at stop signs.
4. Don’t text and drive.
5. Show up 10 minutes early for an appointment and don’t use your phone.
6. Get into the longest checkout line at the grocery store. (Wise to regularly deny ourselves what we want. We don’t have to get our way to be happy.)
7. Turn your smartphone into a dumb phone. Take email off your phone. Take all social media off your phone. Use your computer and only check at scheduled times. Disable your web browser. Delete all notifications, including those for texts. Ditch news apps or alerts. Delete every app you don’t need or doesn’t make your life easier. Set your phone to grayscale mode for less stimulation.
8. Get a flip phone or ditch your cell phone all together.
9. Parent your phone; put it to bed before you and make it sleep in.
10. Keep your phone off until after your morning quiet time.
11. Set times to check and respond to email.
12. Set a time and a limit for social media (or just get off it.)
13. Kill your TV. Every single thing that we let into our minds will have an effect on our souls.
14. Single task. Be fully present to the moment: to God, other people, work in the world, and your own soul. That’s more than enough to consume your attention.
15. Walk slower.
16. Regularly take a day alone for silence and solitude.
17. Take up journaling. (Or vlog or voice note journal.) The point is to slow down enough to observe your life from the outside.
18. Experiment with mindfulness and meditation.
19. If you can, take long vacations. A study shows it takes 8 days for happiness levels to peak. (The Torah had 3 feasts a year, and were 8 days long, including two Sabbaths.)
20. Cook your own food. And eat in. The anchor point for a family’s life can be the table.

Slowing Down 6 – Hurry Sickness

Let’s continue gleaning wisdom from the book, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, by John Mark Comer.

Comer writes, “All too often our hurry is a sign of something else. Something deeper. Usually that we’re running away from something—father wounds, childhood trauma, deep insecurity, or deficits of self-worth, fear of failure, pathological inability to accept the limitations of our humanity, or simply boredom with the mundanity of middle life.

“Or we’re running to something—promotions or purchases or experiences or stamps on our passports or the next high—searching in vain for something no earthly experience has to offer: a sense of self-worth and love and acceptance.

“Sometimes our hurry is less dramatic; we’re just overly busy, more victims of the rights and responsibilities of the modern world than perpetrators of escapism. But either way, the effect is the same.”

Too much hurry causes Symptoms of Hurry Sickness (or what Fr. Dave Gutmann calls Low Battery of the Soul):

1. Irritability—You get mad, frustrated, or just annoyed way too easily. Little normal things irk you.
2. Hypersensitivity—All it takes is a minor comment to hurt your feelings, or a little turn of events to ruin your day.
3. Restlessness—When you actually do try to slow down and rest, you can’t rest. Instead, you fill every moment with multi-tasking.
4. Workaholism (or nonstop activity)—You just don’t know when to stop. Drugs of choice are accomplishment and accumulation.
5. Emotional numbness—You don’t have the capacity to feel another’s pain, or even your own.
6. Out-of-order priorities—You feel disconnected from your identity or calling. Your life is reactive, not proactive. You do not have time for what really matters.
7. Lack of care for your body—You don’t have time for the basics: 8 hours of sleep a night; daily exercise; healthy, home-cooked food; minimal stimulants; margin.
8. Escapist behaviors—You turn to distractions of choice: overeating, overdrinking, binge-watching, social media, porn.
9. Slippage of spiritual life—When you get overly busy, the things that are truly life giving for your soul are the “first to go” rather than “your first go to”—such as a quiet time in the morning, scripture, prayer, worship, etc.
10. Isolation—You feel disconnected from God, others, and your own soul.

Here are a few more effects of hurry.

• Hurry kills relationships. Love takes time; hurry doesn’t have time.
• Hurry kills joy, gratitude, appreciation; people in a rush don’t have time to enter the goodness of the moment.
• Hurry kills wisdom; wisdom is born in the quiet, the slow. Wisdom has its own pace. It makes you wait for it—wait for the inner voice to come to the surface of your tempestuous mind, but not until waters of thought settle and calm.
• Hurry kills all that we hold dear: spirituality, health, marriage, family, thoughtful work, creativity, generosity … name our value. Hurry is a sociopathic predator loose in our society.

Reading Matthew Kelly’s, Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy, and John Mark Comer’s, The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, makes me want to live in a more contemplative, mindful way. I don’t think I dwell in a constant state of hurry at this stage of my life, but I certainly remember times as a young mother when I was overwhelmed by my responsibilities. However, I certainly could enhance my life by adding more quiet time for prayer, contemplation, and journaling. I’m reminded that Matthew Kelly’s solution to too much hurry begins with a well-lived, peaceful Sabbath.

One last thought for the week. I wonder how many of the symptoms of hurry might also assail us from too much worry? Let’s slow down, but let’s also put our trust in God that, in spite of the existence of evil, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” (Julian of Norwich)

Slowing Down 5 – Simplicity

Simplicity

If, in our attempt to be grateful for and satisfied with what we have, we must realize the value of living simply. Fr. Dave Gutmann recommended a book on the same theme as Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy, called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, by John Mark Comer.

Comer shares some steps toward Simplicity:

1. Before you buy something, ask yourself, “What is the cost of this item?” (upkeep, maintenance, insurance, cleaning, etc.) Will it add value to my life and help me enjoy God and the world even more? Or distract me?
2. Before you buy, ask yourself, by buying this, am I oppressing the poor or harming the earth?
3. Never impulse buy. The larger the item, the longer you should wait.
4. When you do buy, opt for fewer, better things. Instead of buying a lot of cheaply (and often unjustly) made items, live without for a while and then buy a quality item that will last.
5. When you can, share, rather than buy.
6. Get into the habit of giving things away. Want a more blessed life? Give. Generously. Regularly. Less shopping means more money to share, which in turn means a more blessed life.
7. Live by a budget. A budget is to your money what a schedule is to your time. It’s a way to make sure that your “treasure” is going to the right place and not getting squandered.
8. Learn to enjoy things without owning them.
9. Cultivate a deep appreciation for creation. If materialism de-spiritualizes us, nature has the opposite effect; it re-spiritualizes our souls.
10. Cultivate a deep appreciation for the simple pleasures. Every stroll, sunrise, or good conversation with an old friend is a potential portal to the grateful enjoyment of life in God’s world.
11. Recognize advertising for what it is—propaganda. Call out the lie.
12. Lead a cheerful, happy revolt against the spirit of materialism. (Comer recommends we start with our closet.)

I tried his suggestion of going through my closet. I’ve been meaning to do this for quite a while now, and a weight change is making many of my clothes no longer “fitting.” I’m embarrassed to say, I discovered I own 24 sweaters! Now, given that I grew up in Montana, one might be able to explain owning several, but 24? In each category of clothing that I considered, I own an over-abundance.

John the Baptist exhorted, “Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.” ^{(NIV, Luke 3:11)} The King James Version says two coats. Not quite sweaters, but close. And Dorothy Day, the prominent Catholic Worker Movement activist and writer, went a step further and said, “If you have two coats, one of them belongs to the poor.” (How’s that for inducing guilt? Not my intention, but something to ponder.)

I’m just back from delivering a carload of clothing to Goodwill. It feels good, but to be honest, my closet still holds more than I need. I can do better. I can take some of Comer’s other advice and stop impulse buying and not purchasing what I (or my grandchildren) don’t need. (Just one more stuffed animal?) I’m not sure I can go all the way to his current practice of owning two casual outfits and two Sunday outfits. I’ll take baby steps. (One of my grandchildren gave up buying things for Lent. I could learn from him.)

Is there an area of your life where the Spirit is moving you to live more simply? Maybe it’s not in the things you own, but the occupation of your time. Or the demands and expectations that you place on yourself. Or how you want to be perceived by others.

Like the old Shaker song, “Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free.” Or, an even better advisor…

Then [Jesus] said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions. ^{(NIV, Luke 12:15)}

Or in the parable of the sower, “Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.” ^{(NIV Mark 4: 18-19)}

Let’s not let the worries of this world, or the desire for more things, choke God’s word and make it unfruitful.

Only a little more than a week until Holy Week! May the time be a blessing to your life!

Slowing Down 4 – Enough

Welcome back! We have talked about the need to slow down for our own benefit, but also to be available to our loved ones and to God. We are working on knowing our limits, seeing interruptions as people, and allowing some margin in our schedules.

Today we turn to the idea of Enough.

Have you heard the sayings, “You can never get enough of what you don’t need,” or “What you don’t need never satisfies?” They suggest that focusing on acquiring things or experiences you don’t really need will never lead to true satisfaction or happiness, as those things will ultimately fail to fill a void. Even if we acquire a large quantity of things we don’t need, they won’t provide the same sense of fulfillment or happiness as things that genuinely serve a purpose or are important to us. We need a shift in focus towards appreciating what we already have and finding contentment rather than constantly striving for more.

Similarly, in Matthew Kelly’s, Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy, he writes that the secret of life is to want the right things, and “the right things to want are those that lead you and others to flourish.” He says, “Wanting what you need is wisdom, but our desires are not all good for us. (…) Wanting the wrong things can drain and destroy us, prevent us from flourishing, and steal our joy. And the faster and busier your life the more likely you are to want the wrong things.”

In all aspects of life, most of us don’t ever calculate how much is enough. The result is that we perpetually think we don’t have enough. In fact, he insists that “One of the primary reasons we don’t slow down is because we don’t think we have enough. One of the main reasons we are excessively busy is because we don’t think we are enough. (…) Knowing that you have enough, that you are enough—here, now, today—is essential to slowing down to the speed of joy.”

Knowing we have and are enough is a gift, but one that runs counter to this society, which seems to have brought us to an age of discontent. We are encouraged to always want more—more money, more experiences, more luxuries—but still we aren’t satisfied.

If, instead, we realize we have enough, and are grateful, we find contentment.

Kelly says, “Enough + Gratitude = Contentment.”

Sadly, the opposite of gratitude is entitlement, a state of mind that, over the years, each older generation tends to consign to the younger generation. Kelly says, “The more you think you are entitled to something, the less you will be satisfied with it. (…) A person possessed by entitlement is incapable of being grateful. Entitlement and unhappiness are synonymous. If you think life owes you something, you will end up feeling cheated.” Yet, there’s hope. “Gratitude cures so much restlessness and dissatisfaction.”

He adds, “It’s impossible to be grateful and unhappy at the same time. (…) Gratitude is the virtue of rejoicing in what is. It is the quality of being thankful. It expresses appreciation for all that is good, true, and beautiful in our lives. (…) The enough mindset facilitates gratitude, the path to contentment.”

Kelly advises that we “Identify what is essential (the vital few) and focus on that.” If we do so, we can regain control of our choices about how to spend our time and energy.

What is essential for you? He says you can find the answer to that question by asking yourself:

• Who am I?
• Why am I here?
• How do I do that?
• What matters most?
• What matters least?

What is enough? The right amount. Too much is dangerous. Greed will lead us toward too much. Less can be more.

As we choose our “enough” and schedule our days, Kelly advises we reject the idea of FOMO, Fear of Missing Out. Accept that we will miss out on nearly everything because no one can do or have it all. “Just try not to miss out on the things God intended just for you.” He recommends we turn FOMO into JOMO, the Joy of Missing Out.

This brings us back to our need for leisure. We require time to contemplate, to reflect, and to pray, so that we can know how much is the optimal amount of anything:

• Sleep
• Food
• Possessions (Too many become a burden and a source of stress, a barrier to flourishing.)
• Money (Too much and you cease to become a better version of yourself.)
• Entertainment, etc.

“Knowing what to want, learning how to be content, discovering what the vital few are for you and your family, realizing how little we actually need and that there is a right amount of anything.… These are all powerful lessons that make it easier to slow down to the speed of joy.”

Our time is limited. We can’t get more hours in a day or more years in our life. If we think we don’t have enough time, Kelly asks, “What are you attempting to do that you should not be doing?” He says that we have exactly enough time to do what we should be doing. We don’t have enough time to waste, or to procrastinate, to be unkind, or hurtful, or to worry about what anyone else thinks of us. Yet there is plenty of time to flourish, be grateful, be generous, and do what God wants us to do.

“More time isn’t the answer. The answer is: careful selection, prayerful discernment, a grateful heart, and acknowledgment of the reality of our finitude.”

Slow down. Slow down to the speed of joy. Flourish. Do God’s will for you.

“The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want.” (Psalm 23)

We are more than halfway through Lent! Blessings on the weeks ahead, and may you gain all that God has in store for you.

Betty

Slowing Down 3 – Leisure

“Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened I will give you rest.” Matt 11:28

I don’t know about you, but my life seems to have gotten busier since I started studying Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy. But I’ll keep trying, because I believe Matthew Kelly is right. Being busy, hurried, and overwhelmed runs contrary to living a healthy, meaningful life.

He says, “When we’re living too fast and our lives are too busy, our hearts become troubled with the things of this world. The speed creates stress and anxiety. The busyness creates stress and anxiety. Both of these lifestyle choices negatively impact our ability to recognize other people’s needs and to live out God’s mandate to love.”

We’ve talked about slowing down, adding margin to our schedules, and pausing for interruptions. Today we will talk about leisure.

Kelly quotes Josef Pieper, from the book Leisure: the Basis of Culture:

“Leisure isn’t a rest period to allow us to work better. It’s more than that. Leisure is an attitude of mind and a condition of the soul that fosters a capacity to receive the reality of the world.” He asks, “Do we live to work, or work to live? He warns, “If we do not take time for quiet reflection, we are much more likely to make poor decisions, foolish decisions that create the problems of our lives.”

Peiper asserts, “Religion can only be born in leisure, a leisure that allows time to contemplate nature, self, God, and the world” adding that unless we substitute true leisure for our hectic amusements, we will destroy our culture—and ourselves.

The examples of leisure that Pieper practiced himself were celebration, worship, contemplation, philosophical reflection, appreciation of the arts and beauty, true rest, play, and the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge. Those sound like pretty nice ways to spend time, don’t they? If you need more convincing, both authors say that every aspect of our lives improves when we make leisure a habit.

Leisure:

• Teaches us what is meaningful.
• Expands our capacity to give and receive.
• Brings us into harmony with ourselves, to be still and quiet.
• Allows us to receive the gifts of wisdom.
• Gives the truth and goodness of life an opportunity to reveal itself to us.
• Reminds us of who we are and what we are here for.
• Fills us with energy and enthusiasm to return to the world and carry out what we know in our hearts to be our mission in life.
• Is the attitude of one who opens himself, who lets go.

So, where do we start? How do we begin to bring leisure back into our lives? According to Matthew Kelly, we start with the Sabbath. We start with Sunday.

He writes, “Sunday is the one thing. I promised you one very specific form of leisure that will change your life. Sunday is it. The wisdom of the Sabbath will teach you how to slowdown to the speed of joy. It’s the one thing that will help you to restore your capacity for leisure and lead you to flourish like never before. Sunday will create margin to love like never before and carry out the great human mandate to love God and neighbor wholeheartedly. Sunday is the one thing from which so many other good things will flow. Goodness you cannot imagine yet will flow from authentically embracing Sundays.

“Observing Sunday as a day of rest liberates us from those feelings of hurried, overwhelmed, and anxious. Doing Sunday right makes the other six days better, (…) more focused and meaningful.

“The Sabbath is an invitation to fall in love again—with life, with God, with each other. (…) The sabbath is a giver of gifts. Whatever good things you want to increase in your life, honor the Sabbath and it shall be so. (…) But there is a gift the Sabbath will give you that is beyond compare. If you faithfully observe this holy day, (…) you will become a friend of God.“

To observe the sabbath in a better way:

   1. Don’t let what you can’t do interfere with what you can do. (What CAN you do?)

   2. Identify your immovable obstacles. (Things scheduled on Sunday that you can’t avoid.)

   3. Know that most immovable obstacles are only immovable in the short term. (What can you change in the future?)

   4. Also, some “obstacles” to leisure might actually be leisure if they are soul-nourishing.

   5. Start small if you must. Focus on what’s possible right now, build from there. (Consider sunset Saturday to sunset Sunday as your Sabbath as the Jews did? Or begin with a few hours.)

Matthew Kelly says the biggest obstacle we will find as we try to rethink our Sabbaths is that work is easier than leisure. We know how to work, but we need to learn how to practice Sabbath. Kelly says practicing Sabbath requires:

• Two disciplines:
  • We must learn to do nothing.
  • And learn to enjoy doing things just for the joy of it.
• Two virtues:
  • Humility – to let go, surrender, and receive
  • Patience – to learn to appreciate simplicity, to practice activities that are not productivity-focused, and cultivate inner peace and calm.

Kelly advises, “Do not try to get the most out of each Sunday. Allow the signs and wonders God sends you each Sunday to sink deep into your heart. (…) You will get the most out of these experiences by planning the least.”

And he continues, “Learn to say no, first to yourself. And also to others. Say no ruthlessly to everything that isn’t leisurely when leisure is your aim. (…) Doing too much will stop you from becoming the best-version-of-yourself. Busy will destroy you. Guard against it fiercely.”

Kelly even quotes one of my favorite philosophers. “Sometimes doing nothing can lead to the very best of something,” says Winnie the Pooh.

Kelly says, if we get good at taking back your Sundays, we will benefit in a long list of ways (p. 92) but here are a few of my favorites. We will…

• Get good at setting boundaries.
• Avoid all unnecessary commitments.
• Know our values.
• Prioritize what matters.
• Gladly unplug from technology.
• Discover how to relax, really relax.
• Stop seeing leisure as an unobtainable luxury.
• See our low-grade anxiety dissipate.
• Listen deeply to ourself and others.
• Declutter our space, our schedule, and our heart.
• Be in awe of our productivity when we are working.
• Delight in being able to help someone in need because we built margin into our schedule.
• Feel profoundly connected to the people we love, and they to us.

Begin this Sunday – it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it! Worship. Play. Spend time with loved ones. Admire something beautiful. Learn something new. Ponder. Dream.

Prayers for you in the coming week!

Slowing Down 2 – Margins, Interruptions

Did you make any progress on being less busy this week? Don’t lose heart; it’s a process. Slowing down to the speed of joy isn’t just about shortening your to-do list. It’s about finding the right speed for each activity, so that you can maintain a sense of calm joy. For instance, Mary traveled “in haste” to help her cousin Elizabeth. You would move “in haste” to keep your toddler safe from danger. Sometimes the right speed is haste. Sometimes, it is a full stop. We stop our busyness to pray, to honor the Sabbath, or to focus on a loved one who needs us to listen.

Sometimes the right speed is slow. Power walks have their place, but a stroll can allow you to appreciate God’s gifts of nature. You have time to hear the birds, smell the aroma of daffodils as you pass them, or really listen to a neighbor or walking partner.

Matthew Kelly says, “The distinction between intense activity and mere busyness is this: When we are living at the speed of joy we can fully engage in demanding tasks while preserving inner calm and growing more aware of the needs of others.   … The speed of joy is wise and adaptable. It mindfully selects the speed most appropriate for the task at hand. The speed of joy is the ideal speed for each activity. … The speed of joy is about giving each task the time it needs to be done with excellence and joy.”

Sometimes the right speed is to pause, especially when we are interrupted. If we just react to the interruption, we might not respond in a helpful or gracious way. If we pause and take time to consider what the interrupter needs, we can decide on if, how, or when it would be best to help. We choose our response, rather than reacting without thinking.

Kelly writes, “We are trying to learn how to manage interruptions virtuously. Stay calm and composed. Take a deep breath before reacting and give yourself a chance to respond. Set boundaries. Prioritize interruptions. Give the person your full attention for a moment so you can assess the urgency of the interruption. Ask yourself: What is the need? Where is the pain? … If you are not going to attend to it now, politely let the person know you will attend to it later. Provide a specific timeframe if that is possible.”

He continues, “Jesus made interruptions beautiful. He welcomed them. His unhurried approach to life predisposed him to handling interruptions with compassion and kindness. … Jesus’ whole public life was made up of interruptions. The only role that comes close in our society is that of a mother. What looks like an interruption to others, she just sees as part of her day. (…) Jesus loved interruptions. Why? He didn’t see them as interruptions at all. He saw them as people.”

Another help as we try to find the speed of joy is to plan margin into our schedules. Rather than pack in as many activities as possible, we should realize that the unexpected is inevitable. Allow yourself a little extra time to handle surprises, a little extra energy to be ready to help, or a little extra money for the unexpected situations that can ruin a tight budget. We’ll find ourselves less stressed as the unexpected happens, because we know we allowed for it. We’ll be more generous when others need us.

Again, Kelly writes, “Margin is simply a matter of knowing our limits and making decisions with our limits in mind. We need to learn to build margin into our schedules and our budgets to maintain a healthy gap between our load and our limits. Living within your limits decreases stress and anxiety, and living within your limits instantly increases your joy.”

Jesus was never in a hurry. He took His time when he heard Lazarus was sick and even arrived after he died. He didn’t rush the woman who wept and washed His feet. He spent time alone in prayer, going off into the wilderness to protect His serenity. He spent three years teaching His disciples, and His patience with them must have been tested over and over. (As is His patience with us, I suspect.) And He spent three hours of agony in the garden before He was arrested. But that time must have been what He needed, because He went to His death demonstrating a spirit of acceptance.

I have a quote I need frequently:

“When you feel the absolute calm has been broken—away with Me until your heart sings, and all is strong and calm.” (Taken from God Calling, meditation for February 21st)

Take a little extra time “away” with God. Ask Him to help you find the perfect speed for each activity, the speed of joy.

Blessings on your Lent! Have happy St. Patrick’s and St. Joseph’s Days next week!

Betty

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:
   Hope and a Future (Marriage)
   Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
   When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
   Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
   Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
   Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)
   He Saw Jesus (People are the body of Christ.)

Quotes from: Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy: The Simple Art of Taking Back Your Life, by Matthew Kelly.

Slowing Down

Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy 1                                    

Welcome to, or welcome back to, my weekly Lenten posts called “4 Minutes 4 Growth.” This year’s topic is slowing down to the speed that allows us to flourish, rather than merely survive. We will consider a different aspect of the challenge each Friday in Lent from Slowing Down to the Speed of Joy: The Simple Art of Taking Back Your Life, by Matthew Kelly.

We are probably all too busy. And aren’t we a little proud of that? Our society seems to see busyness as a virtue. It makes us feel important and gives meaning to our lives. Or does it? Our lives have meaning because we are children of God, not because of what we do. Our lives also derive meaning from how we help and love others. So, the use of our time is more important than how urgent, hurried, or busy we are.

Are we flourishing? Like the Kaiser Permanente commercials ask, do we thrive? Kelly writes that we have become too busy when we are focused on urgent tasks that might not be important, rather than the important tasks God wants us to accomplish. God wants us to love unconditionally: our husbands, our children, strangers, Him, and even ourselves. But being too busy can get in the way of that.

If we are too busy, we’ll miss that our quiet child is even more quiet than usual, or that our talkative child is saying something very important. We won’t notice that our husband is feeling left out and unappreciated, or that our friend’s voice on the phone sounds strained. We need down time, not busy time, to sit with a child who needs to talk or cry, to find out why one of the children seems angry all the time lately, or even to notice that the pain in our stomach has lasted too long to ignore.

Matthew Kelly writes, “Love says, ‘I see you. I hear you. I am with you. I care. Rest a while. You are safe here with me. You are worthy. This cannot be rushed.‘ (…) Someone you love has unmet and unspoken needs. But it is impossible to notice these things when our lives are moving too quickly, so people have to scream to get our attention. What will it take to get our attention?’”

Researchers ask people every year, “What one word would you use to describe how you feel on a daily basis?” Overwhelmed is now the most common answer.

“It’s not just that we are busy, but that we are busy with the wrong things. Busy leads to overwhelmed, overwhelmed leads to weary, weary leads to discouraged, and discouragement leads us to feel resentful and inadequate. Anyone or anything that makes you feel that way is too small for you.”

The truth is, you are already at war with busy, you have been at war with busy for a long time, and busy is opposed to almost everything you value most.”

Peter Kreeft, of Boston College, says, “To win any war, the three most necessary things to know are:

• That you are at war
• Who your enemy is, and
• What weapons or strategies can defeat that enemy.”

“The will to fight comes from being clear about what’s at stake. Busy is an enemy to your physical health, personal finances, marriage, parenting, career, spirituality, peace of mind, mental health, and so much more. And busy cannot be reasoned with. It will destroy you unless you actively subdue it in your life.”

Betty here. We are at war. The enemy is being so busy that we can’t flourish. Let’s figure out what strategies will help us be the best version of ourselves. This week let’s think about how busy we are and how busy we want to be. Let’s use some of our Sabbath time this Sunday to ponder what we can do to slow down to a healthier level.

May God bless your week.
Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

Newest Novel

My latest novel is a story of a man who looked for Jesus throughout his life, and two people whose quirks made them give up on finding companionship. My prayer is that these books will encourage and inspire people.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=He%20saw%20Jesus…

A Slower Advent

Happy Advent!

I usually only post during Lent and about my books, but I wanted to share a talk my daughter Jennifer Friend gave at a ladies’ luncheon at church:

Good morning, everyone,

We have all just heard a bunch of wonderful and beautiful ideas for how to celebrate Advent with your families, and I know I could call on just about anyone in the room to come up and tell us even more ideas we haven’t heard yet…

But this is a busy time of year for moms… in many families it is often the mom making the magic happen for her family in December. It is a joy and a privilege to do so, but it can also be exhausting!

I want to give you permission to do something quite radical this year…

I want to give you permission to do… less.

Jesus will still be born at Christmas if all you do this year is a really intentional Advent Wreath tradition.

Jesus will still be born at Christmas even if all you do this year is a faithful observance of the various saint feast days in December. Or if you just pull out a book to read each day instead of individually gift-wrapping 24 books to open and read throughout Advent!

Jesus will still be born at Christmas even if all you do is a really great Jesse tree. And really, Jesus will still be born at Christmas even if you can only manage a mediocre Jesse tree! If something is truly worth doing, it’s even worth doing badly!

Maybe you have a new baby! Or perhaps you lost a loved one this year! Or someone is searching for a job! Or you are a grandma for the first time this year!

Emmanuel…     God with us…   Emmanuel is not diminished by the season of life we are in!

A couple of years ago we pulled out our Advent tub and tried to do it all. Each kid chose a different Jesse tree, we had a new Advent Wreath program for readings, various grandmas sent us new Advent calendars, we had fancy paper ornaments for each saint feast day to print out and color and then cut out and assemble, not to mention more secular traditions for December! We would get up each Advent day and go through each Jesse tree, one kid putting up a sticker, another a magnet, another something on the fridge, another hanging up a tiny book, and none of the readings lined up with each other, then we had to update each Advent calendar, and we were too busy to enjoy the coloring of the saint ornaments, and too tired to assemble them, and then we had to get ready to head to the next December event for the day!

It was tiring, and I was probably not the most patient mother that year.

This year, dare to be different. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL! If your little ones are still young, and you have ideas for 10 different traditions you have heard this morning, you DO NOT need to start every single new tradition this year! Try ONE! Write the rest of the ideas down on a piece of paper and tape it to your Christmas or Advent tub to look at next year!

If you are a grandma, you don’t have to think of every tradition you’d like your grandkids to grow up with. Don’t pressure your adult children to continue every tradition they grew up with. Let them try to do less this year, if they need to. Let them establish their own traditions. It doesn’t mean that they don’t treasure the childhood traditions you chose for them growing up!

If your kids are somewhere in between… not tiny, but not yet grown… get them involved! Ask them to help you choose which 1 or 2 Advent traditions they would like to try this year! What a healthy life skill to be instilling now!

Saying no to something good this year doesn’t mean you are saying no to it forever! You can take a break for a year and decide again what to try next year!

I am going to borrow some wisdom from Sarah Mackenzie and encourage you to keep in mind three beautiful missions this year. They are true for a healthy homeschool, and I think they apply beautifully to any family and any liturgical season…

1 – DO LESS,

2 – AS CONSISTENTLY AS YOU ARE ABLE, and

3 – PUT RELATIONSHIPS FIRST.

That’s all. Consider these three as you make decisions about how to celebrate Advent with your family this year. Do less, as consistently as you can manage in the season of life that you are in and be sure to keep relationships on the front burner, not the back burner. Relationships not only with your family and friends, but also with the God who so desperately desires you to slow down enough to see Him.

Give your family the gift of a Mama that isn’t staying up until midnight or beyond stressing over the next day. Give your family the gift of a more rested woman who chose to focus her energy on doing one or two things well, rather than trying to do it all and having no patience left for the people she loves. If you’re married, give your spouse the gift of a wife who isn’t 110% focused on the kids at this time of year. Find ways to make it a little easier on yourself, so that you too get to enjoy the ‘waiting in hope’. So that you get to enjoy the season as well, and that you will have room at the inn of your heart for Jesus to be born this Christmas.

The Advent that your family experiences this year will be greatly enriched if they get to see you slow down and cherish this beautiful season for yourself. Do less, as consistently as you are able, and put relationships first.