Your Best Self

Welcome back to our Lenten series, 4 Minutes 4 Growth. This season we will discuss two books that both encourage us to become our best selves: Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, by Matthew Kelly, and Best Self – Be You, Only Better, by Dr. Phil McGraw’s friend, life coach Mike Bayer. They both deal with the difficulty we have changing ourselves, even when we know how much better we would be if we did.

Kelly asks, “Are you happy?” and then adds, “[…] The first thing I learned is that you will never be happy pretending to be someone other than the person God created you to be. […] Only one thing can be reasonably asked of you: that you be yourself.”

Kelly asserts we’ve been raised with the lie that we can do anything we set our minds to. We can’t grow up to be anything we want to be. But better yet, we can develop our strengths and talents to be what God intends us to be: Perfectly our imperfect selves. God has created each of us to be unique, for a unique purpose in this life. We’ve been given certain talents, or life experiences that have taught us certain truths, and though we don’t receive every talent and life hasn’t taught us every truth, if we strive to be our best self, we will fulfill the purpose God intended us for.

To grow towards our best self, both authors encourage us to look at our strengths and also our weaknesses. We need to honestly discern which weaknesses are simply part of who we are, and which are areas that deserve effort to improve. We need to celebrate who we are and not try to be something we are not best suited to be. For instance, I am a strong introvert and shouldn’t expect to ever become an extravert. My quiet introspection is a part of me that I value. But I do have many areas in my life that I’d like to and can improve upon, such as my overactive sweet tooth, or my failure to keep things tidy, or an overly critical side of me that I always have to battle. Kelly says the challenge for each of us is to “strive to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and God-given talents.”

With every decision we need to ask which option would lead us toward being the best version of ourselves. Our choices need to be determined by the side of us that is our best self. Though we won’t do this perfectly and always, allowing our best side to lead us will move us toward becoming overall, a better self. “The-best-version-of-yourself isn’t something we strive for and never achieve. It is something we achieve in some moments and not in others.”

Mike Bayer believes we have many spheres where we can improve. In fact, he uses the acronym SPHERES to list them: Social, Personal, Health, Education, Relationships, Employment, and Spiritual Development. Most of us can improve in each of those areas, and we could set goals for every sphere. We will discuss the categories again later, but to focus now, let’s pick one area. Kelly recommends we ask ourselves what one change in our lives would make the biggest difference in moving us towards our best selves. “What is the one thing about yourself that would most radically improve your life if you changed it?” He recommends focusing on growing in one virtue: honesty, patience, moderation, kindness, humility, courage, perseverance, compassion, hope, charity, generosity, wisdom, gentleness… Growing in one area will naturally improve other areas.

No doubt you, like me, have tried to make a change for the better in some area of your life and have failed. Repeatedly.

Kelly says we set ourselves up for failure if we don’t focus on our progress rather than on our setbacks. In the past when we’ve failed, we may have tended to sink into negative self-talk about how we will never be any better. This sets up a pattern of defeat and, before long, we stop trying. We forget that we are treasured children of the God who forgives constantly and gives us the graces we need to succeed. Instead of dwelling on our failures, we should learn from them and then consider them steps toward success. We must consciously congratulate ourselves on our small successes and celebrate our progress.

Or perhaps we fail because we give in to temporary pleasure rather than allow our virtues to go the distance for real happiness. Pleasure lasts only while we do that which gives pleasure. Happiness endures beyond the experience. Cake is great, but only while you eat it. Giving someone a gift can be enjoyed each time you remember doing it. Living right by listening to the quiet voice within us and choosing to do the next right thing will lead us to enduring happiness rather than transient pleasure. In short, rather than increasing our possessions, we need to increase our virtues to live a meaningful life.

Kelly says, “…we keep telling ourselves that when we get what we want, and enough of what we want, then we will be happy. The reason it doesn’t work is because you simply never can get enough of what you don’t really need.” Ecclesiastes agrees, “Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.” (Verse 5:10)

So, this beginning week of Lent,

What change could make the best difference in our lives?

Let’s start by choosing to do the next right thing, focusing on our successes rather than our failures, in our attempt to grow in character to attain true happiness.

Blessings on your week.