Grandparenting Support & Summary

Behind in reading these Lenten posts? I’ll include a quick summary of highlights below. But first, a short discussion of grandparents and support.

Support

Sometimes grandparenting involves unexpected circumstances. On Monday, one of our grandchildren needed to be admitted at the hospital. That evening, her siblings came to stay with us for a couple of nights. We always love having them but had started a huge project in several rooms, so first worked to get the house ready, putting away temptations and making up beds. Then we focused on thoroughly enjoying the time we shared. The hospital stay is over, with the best of possible outcomes, and the children have gone home. What we thought might be a quick socially-distanced outdoor visit during Easter weekend turned into an extended in-home Holy Week gift of time. I think God laughs at our carefully made plans and occasionally treats us to more than we had hoped.

We were blessed to be a support system for our daughter’s family in her time of need. Her sisters became a support for us as one ran errands to help out, and another sent ideas to entertain the little ones. We all, occasionally, need to support or be supported. Letting someone help you when you need it is a gift to them. They can feel the joy of doing a good deed. Why would we deny someone the chance to be a giver? Don’t rob people of the blessing that comes from helping others.

We can be resources for other grandparents and encourage them with ideas or experiences that have worked for us. Please leave comments if you have fun grandparenting ideas or tips to overcome challenges.

Summary of Earlier Grandparenting Highlights by Week

1. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a treasure. We can love and support our grandchildren without the parental responsibility of discipline and the worry for their future. We can simply enjoy who they are now. Our hard-won wisdom and experience can be used to assist their parents, when requested.
2. Grandparenting well can be seen as a ministry, whether you pass on your faith overtly, or through your example of living your values. Let’s become the best people God created us to be, so that our grandchildren can look up to us and see someone worth emulating.
3. Challenges come with grandparenting, from distance, to changing times, to welcoming blended families. Make the effort to stay connected, to support your children in their parenting styles, and to treat all the grandchildren equitably, whether born into your family or welcomed later. Keep communication open so trouble spots can be dealt with graciously.
4. Pray for your grandchildren, pray in front of your grandchildren, and pray with your grandchildren, with your children’s permission.
5. We grandparents are the historians and storytellers for our grandchildren. We are their connection to the past. Delight them with stories of their younger years, their parents as children, and your own childhood.
6. Listen well to your grandchildren, gifting them with your full attention. Model being a forgiving person. Forgive them, their parents, and yourself. Be quick to ask for forgiveness when you are wrong.
7. Be readily willing to help your children and grandchildren. Accept assistance from them graciously. Be supportive of other grandparents.

Pope Francis recently announced the institution of World Day for Grandparents and the Elderly, which will take place each year on the fourth Sunday in July, close to the feast of Sts. Joachim and Anne, the grandparents of Jesus. Pope Francis said, “The Holy Spirit even today stirs up thoughts and words of wisdom in the elderly. The voice of the elderly is precious, because it sings the praises of God and preserves the roots of the peoples.” The Holy Father said he instituted the World Day of Grandparents and the Elderly because “grandparents are often forgotten, and we forget this wealth of preserving roots and passing on” what the elderly have received.

Blessed Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday! May we be a resurrection people. Resurrection originally meant to stand up or rise again. May we stand up for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for those who need our support. May we stand against evil. May we rise to Love!

Betty

• By Betty, April 5, 2021 @ 2:15 pm

  Grandparent & Historian

  Deuteronomy 4:9 says, “Only be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.”

  We often forget that Grand Parents comprise a rich source of Tribal Knowledge; or, for those of us from Scott & Irish backgrounds, “Clan Lore.” Even those who recognize Grandparents as Family Raconteurs, sometimes don’t realize their Knowledge Font may cover items beyond basic Parenting Aphorisms and Amusing Anecdotes.

  When seeking “Critical, Need-To-Know Information” about navigating Life, you may find that, once upon a time, the Grandparents of your children bought a house; or they learned to “juggle” work, Friends, Family, and Kids (#1 Subset of Family); or they have acquired unexpected knowledge about more esoteric challenges. Besides useful tips on what to do they may be able to tell you what NOT to do in particular situations. They may know a lot about “how we used to do it.” When you evaluate the utility of their knowledge, step beyond whether their advice seems “modern” enough — or “enlightened” enough — and ask them, “Why did you do that?” and “How well did it work?”

  On a personal level, the Grandparents of your Children may “know some things” about your childhood experiences that you can’t remember — or never knew — because you didn’t see events from their perspective.

  As a Scoutmaster, I always invited any Scout who reached majority while in our Troop to come serve as an Adult Volunteer. For former Scouts, serving as an Adult Volunteer is kind of like going backstage to watch a Magic Act. Many times, an illusionist can make things “magically appear” or “suddenly disappear” only from the Audience Perspective. When you get to watch from backstage, you might see which pocket held the rabbit before it popped out of the hat; which sleeve had the extra cards tucked into it; and, perhaps, catch a glimpse of the black thread used to “levitate” one of those cards. Spending time as an Adult Volunteer in a Scout Troop gives you that “Backstage Perspective” on what the “adults do” to make a Scout Troop Run.

  Unlike Scouting, there is no “Application” for becoming a Parent; more’s the pity. Not because I think there should be a vetting process for Parenting as there is for Scout Volunteering; rather, I believe the application process and its associated paperwork, forms an excellent, ritualized way of sending an invitation to “come see how things really work.”

  Making such invitation is much harder in the interpersonal-context of Families. As Parents, we often do a poor job of circling back to tell our kids the “why” of what we did for [and to] them. A good induction ritual would give points of disconnect — a buffer for sometimes “raw feelings” that have accrued through lack of knowledge and understanding. Imagine your Parents saying to the Parents of their Grandchildren, “Hey, come on over and I’ll teach you how to raise kids!” Many “Adult Kids” might react with, “Um, I saw you ‘Parent’ for 20+ years. I’ve already learned all you have to teach. You did a lot of stuff I did not like, I am going to fix all that this time around! And I don’t need you getting in my way when I do it!”

  Okay, time-out…

  Kids never know everything their Parents do (or don’t do) to raise them. Even those who have a better-than-average handle on the “What” of their Parent’s actions, seldom ken all there is to know about the “Why.”

  I grew up on a Ranch in North Central Washington. We had a large driveway that opened into our back yard. My Dad sized that yard so a tractor towing tandem cattle haulers could turn around in it without unhitching or backing up. Sadly, concrete or pavement for the “circle” was never in the budget, so we had the area graded and covered over with shale.

  [Definition: “shale” = a rock-based torture device with lots of “pointy” edges that hurt your bare feet when you step on it and scrape up other body parts when you fall on it, all in a very embarrassing process that you soon learn crying will not ameliorate.]

  I retain personal memories starting from sometime before I turned two years old. The earliest memories are “vignettes” or “snapshots” of a particular event or moment in time. My memory started becoming “continuous” about the time I learned to ride a horse — somewhere around age 2-1/2 years. One thing I remember from back then is going barefoot — a LOT. I well remember walking across the shale yard barefoot, and falling… getting up, and falling again… Eventually, my feet toughened up and my coordination improved to the point where I could run across that yard without hurting my feet… or my dignity…

  At around age three, I started riding horses by myself; at four, I got my own horse. That was wonderful. I could help herd the cattle; I could go visit the neighbors by myself; and, best of all, I started wearing cowboy boots regularly — which made traversing the shale yard a lot more pleasant. Over time, my feet got “soft” and my barefoot sojourns became relegated to the beach or other “foot friendly” surfaces.

  Fast forward to when our eldest son started walking at about 12 months. He spent much of his time outdoors. This meant walking on cold, freezing ground in the winter, or rough, abrasive surfaces in the summer. Remembering my own childhood, there was no way I wanted to make the same “torture mistakes” my parents had made! My Bride and I determined to “…fix those this time around!” Consequently, during his waking hours, we kept #1 Son in “good quality” shoes.

  At about 27 months, we noticed his left foot had seriously “toed out” — running about 45 degrees off of “straight ahead.” When my Bride took him to our Pediatrician to check this out, he called in a pediatric orthopaedic surgeon for consultation. Their considered joint (pun IS intended) recommendation was surgery “to restructure the muscles, joints, and ligaments of his lower leg.” Post-op would include 6 months, or more, in an orthopaedic support cast or a brace. Needless to say, we were pretty worried — both about his long-term outcome and about the expense involved. On top of everything else, by this time his little brother was on the way How could we make all this work?

  Fortunately, my Bride laid it all out for my Mom — the Grandmother of our child[ren] — before we started any of the recommended “corrective” procedures. After listening attentively, she had a good chuckle about the whole situation — followed by a simple suggestion.

  Mom said, “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about his foot. I noticed it awhile back, but didn’t want to interfere. Since you’ve asked my advice though, how about you just take his shoes off and make him walk barefoot for the summer?” When we asked her why, Mom went on to explain…

  “When your husband was about that age, his left foot rotated out just like that… only farther. It pretty much pointed straight left, almost lined up with his shoulder. His right shoe would wear normally; his left shoe would lose all of the sole on the inside edge in a couple of weeks. I took him to a number of doctors. Back then, they didn’t like to do a lot of surgery on kids that young, so they recommended a brace. They said that might fix it, or he might need surgery when he got older, or he might be lame all his life. I was pretty worried. A couple of weeks after that recommendation, we visited Family down in San Diego. I stopped in to visit Dr. Tommy, our old Family GP. I had heard what all the experts said, but I wanted to hear it from somebody I’d known all my life and trusted. He examined our son carefully, ‘rotated all the parts,’ then said, ‘Before you do anything drastic, why don’t you take off his shoes for the summer?’ He explained that our son had all the muscles he needed, his feet were both capable of turning in whatever direction was required, and the muscle necessary to make them turn seemed just fine, but Dr. Tommy thought our kid was being lazy. As he put it, ‘Why go to the effort of turning your foot if you don’t have to?’

  “I asked how will being barefoot help?

  “Dr. Tommy said that it would do a couple things. For starters, dragging your foot sideways over the dirt and rocks and sticks hurts a lot more than picking it up and setting it down properly. When a kid is wearing shoes, his foot is protected from that. Also, with his foot sticking out there flopping around, even when he picks it up and sets it down correctly, it’s still going to catch on things and he’s going to trip and fall… a LOT. He probably still falls with shoes on, but not nearly as much as he will fall without the shoes. When he gets tired of falling, he may just decide to point his foot forward again.

  “So, when we got home to the ranch and our shale back yard, I took his shoes off. Sure enough, his feet got scraped up — his face and hands, too. He didn’t want to walk on the rocks, so I would carry him to the barn to do chores, then he’d have to walk across the yard to get back to the house. He kept taking headers into the gravel. That went on for a couple of weeks and I was about to give up and put him back into shoes when I noticed his foot wasn’t sticking out nearly as much as it had been… So I left him barefoot a bit longer. By the end of summer, his left foot was pointed straight ahead and he was waling normally — has been ever since…

  Mom went on with, “Before I let somebody start cutting on my kid, I’d take him out of his shoes and see what happens…”

  So we took our son out of shoes, and guess what happened? It seems my son was a quicker learner than I was; or, maybe, his foot didn’t have as far to go. Regardless, by mid Summer, his foot was pointed straight — no surgery, no cast, no braces. He’s been walking straight ever since.

  Thinking back, I can remember the torture of walking across our shale yard — which I had to do if I wanted to keep up with, my Mom or Dad while they were out “doing chores” or even just to be with them while they took care of [ranch] business. I can also remember my frequent face-plants. I really had no idea why I had to endure such podological torture; though, when I got older I thought maybe the Family Finances just couldn’t reliably fund kid shoes. If my Son hadn’t inherited my tendency towards sinistral femoral retroversion, I probably would never have known why my parents were so “mean to me” when I was little.

  I suspect lots of Grandparents possess similar pearls of wisdom that never get passed along. As a Parent, ask the Grandparents of your Children about “the why” of things once in awhile. If you ask for advice, you don’t have to do as they suggest; but, sometimes, even an experienced perspective you don’t like helps a lot.

  As a Grandparent, be willing to share the occasional pearl of wisdom; don’t just “clam up”!

  Respectfully Submitted,
  YFLP

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