5 Love Languages

Would you rather receive a love letter, be taken on a date, be given a gift, relax into a warm embrace, or have your beloved make you dinner?

Gary Chapman, in now classic The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we may run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

The Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.
2. Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones, focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive when the beloved offers self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen. Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.
3. Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.
4. Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through gifts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made. You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully!
5. Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are treasured. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

Chapman encourages us to show our love to our spouse in the language they prefer. I suggest we learn to use all 5 whenever possible. If you are better at some than others, try to grow in your weak areas, while not giving up on your strengths.

May your love become multi-lingual and take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit –

How does God show us love? He gave us a book of love letters. He embraced the leper and the child. He emphasized the importance of gratitude. He speaks to us in a still, calm voice. And, as his ultimate act of service, he died for us.

Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Prayer, service to his children, rocking an infant, gifts to the poor, time just focused on him? Try a new one!