Whatever the state of a marriage, it is possible to improve it. I hope the posts this Lent have helped with that endeavor.

In this week’s book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, discusses a continuum of marriage types from weakest to strongest. Find ways to emulate the marriage type that is beyond yours and grow both personally and relationally.

Deadly Marriages:

• In Chaotic marriages, both husband and wife are bent on self-destruction in an attempt to escape, either from their past or from the world as it is.
• In Codependent marriages, one is bent on self destruction and the other is determined to save the partner.

Shipwrecked marriages are all about staying afloat. They may be:

• Materialistic, where they value financial security above all else. In these the husband is often neglectful or controlling while the wife is dependent.
• Safety marriages, where the wife with a traumatic past chooses a nice, quiet man to avoid conflict and pursue a stress-free life.
• Rescue marriages where both spouses fled traumatic childhoods. They are happy to have survived, and don’t ask for more.

Conventional Marriages are built to support and maintain a couple’s place in world. In a conventional marriage:

• Both spouses are relatively sure of their own ability to provide for at least basic needs.
• Both have found personally meaningful work or social roles to play.
• Here, love is warm and comfortable but the number one threat is growing apart. Other problems include domestic scorekeeping (whose turn it is to do what and how much is fair) and marital chicken (you change first). Most marriages in this category are moderately stable and moderately satisfying.

With work, they can become:

Exceptional Marriages

These marriages make up only 7 % of married couples. The first stage is:

Partnership Marriages which are primarily concerned with pursuing and increasing personal competence. This pursuit allows:

• No job is off limits for either spouse. A 100/100 partnership keeps them from 50/50 mentality.
• True intimacy, because no matter how much they give to the marriage they know they will not be taken for granted. They see each other as their best hope for becoming the people they want to be by the end of their lives, by helping each other grow in identity strength and move toward actualization of their shared spiritual values, moral ideals and emotional goals.
• Rapport and negotiation. The intense interest in and sharing each other’s worlds tend to remove the last barriers to communication.

To improve further, partnership marriages must develop a truly spiritual sexuality and exhibit a willingness to make financial sacrifices, setting serious limits on anything that distracts them from actualizing their value system. Then they may find themselves part of a

Spiritual Peer Marriage whose marital theme is the pursuit of intimacy, simplification, and actualization. These couples are a joyful, living breathing example of their particular value system. These couples hold common traits:

• Simplification – they are off the fast track, having discovered deeper values.
• Competence – both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life
• Egalitarianism over equality – they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take the other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.
• Each other’s best friends, they have virtually no secrets from each other, and have achieved a level of spiritual sexuality that is truly enviable.
• As in Maslow’s definition of self actualized – They are accepting of themselves and others, are at peace when life becomes unpredictable, are spontaneous and creative, have a good sense of humor, value their privacy, can take care of themselves, are capable of deeply intimate relationships, and have an open, positive attitude about life.

:

1. Exceptional Fidelity, the promise to “forsake all others,” includes all those friendships, family-of-origin commitments, career opportunities, and community involvements that do not serve to increase either the physical and mental health of each spouse or the intimacy of the marriage.

2. Exceptional Love is a calling. They do loving things for their mate every day, whether or not they feel like it and whether or not their mate “deserves” it.

3. Exceptional Mutual service is valued more than “fairness” or sharply defined roles and responsibilities. Each actively looks for opportunities to serve and nurture their mate, creating a dance of competence that enables chores and other domestic responsibilities to be passed back and forth gracefully, and accomplished efficiently.

4. Exceptional Rapport becomes the result of overcoming both their basic gender and personality differences, allowing them to achieve an enviable level of understanding and in their relationships.

5. Exceptional Negotiation where all needs are respected and met—even when a partner’s need is not completely understood. That your need will be met is never called into question; the only topic of debate is, “What is the most efficient, respectful means by which your need can be met?”

6. Exceptional Gratitude ensures every service—no matter how common or simple—is viewed as an active expression of love to be noted and appreciated.

7. Exceptional Joy imparts an ability to play and be joyful together. They look for new interests to share and work to share in the interests they already have. They make time to be together, work at being present to each other, and actively seek ways to ease each other’s burdens.

8. Exceptional Sexuality allows them to view sex as something they are. For them, lovemaking is not an activity or a performance; it is a total self-gift, a symbol and expression of all that is good about themselves and their relationship. It is a spiritually active way to connect with the Divine.

What more could we want than to connect with the Divine through our marriage?

May your marriage continue to grow and bring you closer to God.

Man to Man about Marriage

My husband George is an amazing spouse! We celebrate 40 years of happy marriage this week, so I am reprinting advice he wrote 5 years ago to men about marriage. (Much holds true for women, too.)

Respect:

• A woman is a gift of great value to be treasured throughout your life. She is easily the most valuable gift you will ever receive on this earth and must be treated with respect at all times.
• Be cautious with criticizing her, even in private.
• Never express disappointment about choosing her to be your partner, or comparing her to previous partners, or current acquaintances.
• Never speak as though you’ve had enough or would ever consider leaving her or ending the relationship.
• When you’ve hurt her (or learned after the fact that you’ve hurt her), apologize. And mean it. Even if you have rationalizations in your head, just go with the apology. Try to understand why she was hurt, even if you don’t think that you would have been in the same situation. Only if you can do it without sounding antagonistic, ask her for advice on what you could have said or done differently to handle the situation.

Careers:                                                                                                                                                               

• Don’t ever talk about money as though it were ‘yours’. All money is ‘ours’ in the family, regardless of whose paycheck it comes from.
• Never treat your job as more important than hers, whether you make more money than she does or not.
• If she does take a traditional role in your family, such as at-home mom, remember that she’s doing this by choice for your good and the good of the family, not because she’s any less capable.
• With your children, take care that they realize that her staying home or working away from home are options, and neither is an expected role for women.

Gratitude:

• Thank her for the normal things she does daily for you and the family. Even if you thank her every day for the same things. There should be several times each day when you acknowledge her efforts and thank her:
• When you get up from a meal: “Thank you for dinner!” (And clear your place.)
• When clean clothes appear in your drawers or closet: “Thanks for the clean clothes!” Or when there’s clean laundry on the bed to be folded: “Thanks for doing the laundry!” (Help fold them and put them away, at least your own items.)
• New groceries in the fridge or cabinet: “Thanks for shopping for us!”
• When you notice that a room looks especially nice, tell her so! (But avoid any comparison with past condition.)

Attention:

• Give her a generous hug, at least three times a day. Hold on to her as long as she wants.
• A woman needs to be told that her looks please you. And she needs to hear it frequently. Never just count on her ‘knowing’ that you love how she looks all the time (even if you do). When you notice something nice about her clothes, or hair, or face (or figure!) or whatever, tell her. This shouldn’t be hard; of course you love how she looks! And don’t compare to any previous time (you look better today than yesterday). And don’t say that she looks nice ‘today’ (possibly implying that she doesn’t on other days). But OK to say that she looks ‘especially nice today’.

Communication:

• Be cautious with teasing. Preferably don’t tease her about anything! Teasing is never nice, even if she seems to laugh, go along with it, and say that it’s OK. She could fear that there’s a grain of truth in whatever you’re teasing her about, whether there is or not (and there often is).
• Talk with her! She loves talking with you, about anything (as long as you’re not the one doing all the talking).
• Listen to her! And pay attention while you do. She needs to know that you’re hearing what she has to say. Ask her, every day, how her day went. And listen while looking at her, not while reading, or checking email, or watching TV. Remember that sometimes she just wants to be heard and doesn’t want to you offer advice or try to ‘fix’ the things she tells you about. (But be sure that when she does ask you to fix something, you take it seriously!)
• Learn how to disagree (and even express your anger) without raising your voice. A raised voice in a man is a danger signal to a woman. No matter how well she knows you, she may fear being physically or emotionally hurt.
• Realize that you likely have different methods of resolving conflicts, and that you now need to have a common method. It’s best to have some rules that you discuss when you’re not emotional.
• Never try to make her feel stupid.

Family & Friends:

• Women need family and relationships, much more so than you might. Don’t try to keep her from seeing or communicating with friends or family. And be sure to consider this strongly in decisions about where you’ll live or what job you’ll take.
• Never complain about your wife to friends or family.
• Never embarrass her in front of the children, or anyone.
• Compliment her in front of others, and say how proud you are of her, for whatever reason that you are. Or what you like about her, or why you treasure her.

The Future

• Realize that you both brought dreams, goals, hopes, and desires to your relationship. Some of those now need to be subjugated to hers, and to the higher dreams and goals of the relationship. When you marry, you agree that your personal priorities will change to support your joint relationship. You don’t need to give up everything, just realize that some things may not be possible right away, and that some may no longer be appropriate.
• Ask her what her dreams and goals are, and what she’d like to see in the relationship. And then, simply listen, and listen some more.

Betty here: Didn’t I tell you he is an amazing guy? Some of these recommendations came naturally to him and some he learned the hard way, over the years.

Ladies, be careful how you show this to your husband so that he doesn’t feel criticized! Maybe instead, thank him for how he currently shows his love for you. Positive reinforcement goes a long way!

5 Love Languages

Would you rather receive a love letter, be taken on a date, be given a gift, relax into a warm embrace, or have your beloved make you dinner?

Gary Chapman, in now classic The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we may run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

The Five Love Languages:

1. Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.
2. Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones, focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive when the beloved offers self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen. Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.
3. Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.
4. Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through gifts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made. You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully!
5. Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are treasured. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

Chapman encourages us to show our love to our spouse in the language they prefer. I suggest we learn to use all 5 whenever possible. If you are better at some than others, try to grow in your weak areas, while not giving up on your strengths.

May your love become multi-lingual and take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit –

How does God show us love? He gave us a book of love letters. He embraced the leper and the child. He emphasized the importance of gratitude. He speaks to us in a still, calm voice. And, as his ultimate act of service, he died for us.

Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Prayer, service to his children, rocking an infant, gifts to the poor, time just focused on him? Try a new one!

4 Marriage Destroyers

What happens between the starry-eyed wedding day and months or years later when a couple might barely speak to each other? Most likely the couple has allowed four destructive habits to develop, which Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Psychology Department at University of Washington, believes lead to the destruction of a marriage. In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last, he calls these destructive habits the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like the horsemen in the final book of the Bible, these four behaviors announce the beginning of the end. Practice them often enough and relationships will die.

The Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism – Ladies, Gottman says we are the ones who usually bring this first destructive force into our relationships. Are we just supposed to ignore our spouses’ thoughtlessness? No. When we are upset or frustrated by their behavior, it is completely fair, and even constructive, to point out our reaction with specific complaints about a specific instance. Complaints can be productive when they are heard, and a considerate partner makes changes because of them. They become destructive when they are no longer about a specific time, but instead become: “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…” or “You SHOULD…” or when we stack up the complaints, “Not only did you leave the car in my way, you came home late, didn’t ask how my day went, and didn’t notice all that I’ve done around here.” When you complain, you are addressing one specific behavior. When you criticize, you are attacking the person.

2. Contempt – We must keep working on reducing criticism because if it isn’t eradicated, it can deteriorate into contempt, which differs from criticism in its intent to insult and hurt our spouse. Can you imagine a perturbed wife doing an exaggerated eye-roll? We see them in sitcoms and laugh, but such body language makes it clear we have lost our admiration for our partner and are feeling contempt, also exhibited by insults, name calling, hostile humor, and sarcasm.

3. Defensiveness – Faced with criticism or contempt, a spouse might respond by taking on the attitude of innocent victim. The problem with defensiveness is it exacerbates negativity. Rather than acknowledging a problem so that it can be worked out to improve the marriage, it derails any chance for a positive exchange. It stops constructive communication and leaves trouble unresolved. We want so badly to prove we are right that we sacrifice our own and our spouses’ happiness.

4. Stonewalling – A question for the gentlemen: Does even thinking about arguing with your wife raise your heart rate? You’re not alone. In an argument, men can easily become flooded with adrenaline and feel a need to shut down. They give up and check out emotionally. They stonewall. Another type of stonewalling happens by choice and can even become a habit. He (or she) decides arguing doesn’t work, so chooses to disconnect. Either they stop responding at all, or their responses have nothing to do with the disagreement, or they storm out of the room. One version is the silent treatment. Disengaging from communication keeps anything from being resolved.

To fight the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in your marriage:

If relationship success could be boiled down to a bare minimum, it might be this: we want love and respect. We promised on our wedding day to love and honor, but criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling break that vow. If we could live up to our promise, our married lives would be much happier.

Let’s fight the destructive forces!

1. Remember last week’s kindness steps? Stop negativity. Tone of voice can be very intimidating. Keep yours calm. Express honest admiration daily. A simple “thank you” can reopen communication. Be generous with your compliments and words of encouragement. Do some kind service for your spouse. It might be hard when contempt has blocked our awareness of the good qualities of our spouses, but remember, we all need love and respect. A gentle hug, a little gift, or a sink full of dishes washed can do wonders for any of us.
2. Replace criticism with simple complaints that state your feelings about one specific behavior, without blame. “I felt X when you did Y. I’d rather you did Z.”

3. Stonewallers, reassure yourselves, “I can do this. I love my spouse and am willing to make changes to keep this marriage healthy. We’ll get through this and be stronger for it.” Take a break, if you need one. Tell your spouse when you’ll be able to continue the discussion. Take deep, calming breaths. Go for a walk or exercise to process the adrenaline. You may have thought you were avoiding fights by your lack of response, but actually you were avoiding resolution. Be the hero, the knight, but don’t hide behind a suit of armor. Reach out and connect.

4. Those who live with stonewallers should realize that they must back off before their spouse hits the point of disengaging out of self-defense. Both should try to de-escalate the argument by touch or humor or words of encouragement. “Honey, I love you and I need a break to cool down.” 

When we most want to turn our backs is when we must turn our hearts back toward each other.

We must actively block the four horsemen that destroy a chance at a happy marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Bible verses to ponder:

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekial 36:26 RSV)

“Do not return evil for evil or reviling for reviling; but on the contrary, bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9 RSV)

The Kindness Challenge

In previous years of advice to improve marriages, I’ve directed attention to Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn’s prolific research.

Since it is now 30 days to Easter, it’s a great time to recommend Shaunti Feldhahn’s new book, The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve any Relationship. Her 30-Day Challenge is simple, though the whole book is worth reading and pondering. Though we will use her words to focus on our marriages, the same advice works with any relationship: teacher/student, employee/boss, parent/child, coworkers, etc.

Feldhahn says, “We cannot actually change someone else’s mind or heart. But God can. And I believe the great and mysterious superpower of kindness to soften a hard or angry heart is actually the outward evidence of God working behind the scenes.”

Here’s her prescription, based on years of research, surveys, and interviews.

For 30 days:

1. For women, and men prone to negativity: Say nothing negative about your spouse, either to them or about them to someone else. (If negative feedback is unavoidable be constructive and encouraging without a negative tone.)

Alternatively, for men: Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw. Give your wife your full attention in conversation for at least fifteen minutes a day. And when you are upset with each other, stay in the game five minutes past when you want to escape.

2. Every day, find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about your beloved and tell them, and tell someone else.
3. Every day, do a small act of kindness or generosity for your spouse.

Sounds pretty straight forward, right? According to Feldhahn’s research, most relationships will improve through this trifecta of thought, word, and deed, whether your spouse knows you are doing this challenge or not. You will be a happier person and, by practicing kindness, will find it easier to increase in kindness. As a bonus, most spouses will respond by being kinder as well.

There’s your challenge for the remainder of Lent. If you are pressed for time you can stop reading here and focus on the above.

But if you are intrigued by these authors, here are more of their gems of wisdom from two books, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. (Generalization alert – of course there are many exceptions to everything in the books.)

• One of the most basic needs for men to be happy in a relationship is to feel their wife admires them. Men need to feel respected in order to feel loved. This is news to women, who would (in general) choose being loved over being admired. Of course, we all want both! But it becomes clearer as women read about this deep-seated need of men that our little sarcasms, our teasing in public, our seemingly insignificant put-downs devastate our men, though they would feel weak to admit it.
• Men often interpret women’s desire to control things as a sign of disrespect. What to women is simple reminding, to men comes across as criticism or distrust. They know what needs to be done but may simply place a different level of priority on it. When women ask a question to better understand their husband’s decisions, men perceive us to be questioning their judgment. As hard as it is for today’s women who have striven to be considered equals, men need us to defer to them sometimes. Men are highly sensitive to disrespect, even when none was intended.
• Men are doubly burdened. They feel a strong responsibility to provide for their families. Even in today’s world when women may contribute substantial income, men see the financial responsibility to be theirs. And not only must they provide enough income to give their families all they currently need, but also to provide a secure future. Add to that their second burden—a secret sense of inadequacy— and you may begin to understand that men are constantly stressed about their work. Though they love a new challenge, they hope they can figure it out before they are “found out” or humiliated. As confident as men may appear, most of them harbor a constant fear of being exposed as imposters.
• Men know that women value security, and to men security means financial strength. But what women mean by security is relational strength. A man may want to give his wife security, so he works long hours to promote job security. A woman may see this as a threat to the security of her relationship and interprets his absence as an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with her. If she encourages him to work less, he worries that he’ll be found inadequate at work and lose his job. If he continues to work extra hours, she will feel emotionally threatened.

Women, surrounded by our society’s emphasis on youth and beauty, battle their own insecurities.

• What women most deeply need in their relationships is reassurance of their man’s love. We are bombarded by media, and sadly by friends, of stories of men leaving their wives for other women. We’ve been told men are visual and we watch ourselves become less visually beautiful as our bodies sag from childbearing, our skin surrenders to wrinkles, and our hair turns grey or thins. We are afraid we will lose the men we love. We need reassurance every day that we are still the love of their life.
• Seventy percent of women reported that they think about the health of their relationship often or every day. This astounded men. When the relationship is under stress, most women feel like nothing else is right until it is resolved. Triggers for a woman’s insecurity include conflict, her husband’s withdrawal (the way men often respond to conflict), his silence (she may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong), absence, unresolved relationship issues, or exhaustion.

The deal is never done. Husbands must continue to woo the woman of their dreams, even when they think they have won her. Wives must continue to support their husbands by showing their deep-felt admiration.