4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Premarriage Questions

Should you get married?

All sorts of people have written questions to help couples make this lifelong decision. At the risk of turning you into Inquisitors, I’ll offer some of those sources in this email and the next, and hope that your decision will be made clearer as you discuss them.

The first set of questions is from a list I wrote when my daughter was considering marriage. It’s been a while since I wrote it and I don’t know if I used other sources that should be cited. If so, my apologies to those authors:

Religion

• Will you each practice your own faith or worship together?
• Whose faith denomination will you attend?
• Whose faith denomination will you get married in?
• Do you both value weekly attendance?
• How will you celebrate spiritual holidays like Christmas and Easter?
• In which faith would children be raised?
• How do you each feel about monetary support of a church?
• Are there any tenets of your fiancé’s faith that go against your beliefs or conscience?
• Are there any tenets of your own faith that your fiancé can’t accept?
• How will you work out agreements?
• What are your thoughts on responsibility to serve others? Volunteering?
• What does your church require of a married couple?

In-laws

• Do your families both welcome your relationship?
• Do you like your future in-laws?
• How strong are the marriages in your families?
• What would you like to do the same, or differently than your parents?
• How do you feel about your in-laws being your children’s grandparents and relatives?
• How will you split time between the families? Holidays?
• Will you both put your spouse first before your original families?
• How much time would you each like to spend with your families?

Money

• Will you both work?
• How will you combine your incomes? Separate accounts?
• How will decisions about major purchases be made?
• What are your thoughts about credit, savings, debt? Are they compatible?
• How would you each feel if she made significantly more than he?
• What are your thoughts about mothers working?
• Are husbands’ financial responsibilities different than wives’?
• How would you feel if the other didn’t want to or couldn’t work?
• Where would you like to live: city, country, suburb, apartment, house?
• Do you know the financial situation of the other? Level of debt? Income potential?
• What type of wedding/honeymoon do you each think is financially reasonable?
• How do you feel about budgeting?

Fidelity

• What are your expectations of the other?
• Have you discussed your relationships of the past so you both are comfortable with them now?
• How do you see yourself responding to infidelity?
• Have you discussed your fears about this?
• Do you feel completely confident in the other’s commitment to you?

Sex

• Are you comfortable with your own sexuality, as a gift from God?
• Can you openly discuss it when you are uncomfortable about something sexual?
• Do you feel cherished and respected?
• Have you discussed and agreed on your feelings about premarital sex?
• Have you talked with a doctor or tested for any medical concerns you have?
• Can you both accept the necessity to abstain and be faithful during separation or medical restraints?
• Can you tell each other what you like and don’t like as it comes up?
• What do you think about artificial birth control? Natural birth control?
• Do you both strive to please the other?

Children

• Do you both want children?
• How many children would you feel comfortable with?
• When would you hope to start having children?
• Have you discussed your concerns about being parents?
• What were your parents’ means of discipline?
• How would you discipline differently than your parents?
• Would you want your children to attend private religious schools?
• If so, how much of a financial sacrifice would be reasonable for private schools?
• Would you expect and plan for your children to go to college?
• What are your thoughts on abortion? Adoption?
• What if your child had special needs/disabilities?
• Have you discussed what medical issues run in your families?

Division of labor

• Who will cook, clean, launder, shop, maintain the car, etc.?
• Will one of you stay home with children? How long?
• What do you think of daycare?
• Whose work will determine where you live?
• What are your career dreams?

Social

• Do you expect to spend time apart with your friends? How much?
• How might you enjoy evenings?
• Do you enjoy the same types of activities? Can you play together?
• What is your idea of a vacation?
• Do you both enjoy talking to each other? Are you best friends?
• Do either of you worry about the other’s drinking? Drug use? Health?

Miscellaneous

• What are some of your dreams for your future? Fears?
• Where do you picture yourselves in 5 years? 10 years?
• How do you behave when you are angry? How does your fiancé? How about when sad?
• What do you both do to work out disagreements? What do you wish you both would do?
• Do you always feel safe around the other?

Questions from Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage by Todd Outcalt covers a wide range of topics: sex, values, religion, money, education, in-laws, careers, ethics, commitment, snoring, parenthood, cooking, cleaning, love, friends, exes, hopes, dreams, romance, travel, savings, secrets, taxes, children, space, holidays, television, pets, interests, fears, retirement, and trust. It also offers questions to ask parents, friends, religious leaders, lawyers and children. Here are a few:

Questions for your friends and family:

• Do you think we make a good match? Why?
• What kinds of problems, if any, do you see us having if we get married?
• Have you ever witnessed him/her mistreating me in any way?
• What advice would you give me before marriage?
• How does he/she make me a better person?
• Is there anything you know about him/her that you think I should know about?
• How happy do you see us being ten years from now?
• What do you consider his/her strong points? Weaknesses?
• What values do you think we have in common?
• In what ways have you seen us grow together?

Questions for his/her friends:

• Has he/she ever been a heavy drinker? Had a gambling problem?
• What is the craziest thing you’ve ever seen him/her do?
• How does he/she react when angry?
• How does he/she help others?
• When you think about him/her, what positive attributes come to mind?
• In what way do you think he/she will change me for the better?
• How would you describe his/her values and morals?
• What is the most memorable experience you’ve had with him or her?
• What does he/she say about me when I’m not around?
• What do they say about him/her when he’s/she’s not around?
• How does he/she act toward other women/men?
• What do you know about past relationships?
• What does he/she worry about?

Questions for future in-laws:

• How and when do you see us celebrating holidays and family traditions together?
• How often do you expect us to visit?
• How often do you expect to visit us?
• As a new daughter/son-in-law, what expectations will you have of me?
• As a new in-law, what do you hope I can bring to the family?
• What do you hope we can do together in the coming years?
• Are there any family concerns you think I should be aware of?
• What advice do you have for me in marriage?
• What would you like to know about me?
• What would you like for me to know about your family?
• What would you like to know about my family?
• What are some of the best times you have had together as a family?
• What are some of your hopes for our marriage?
• What are some of your concerns about our marriage?

If you don’t want to make people feel grilled, these are questions that you might gain answers to gradually. One or two at a time would make great discussion springboards.

Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more:

Outcalt, Todd (1998). Before You Say “I Do:” Important Questions for Couples to Ask Before Marriage, Perigee/Penguin

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Purity

I was all set to write about questions to ask each other this week, topics to consider before you decide you are ready to marry. A good safe subject, and a valuable one that will probably come next week. But then I started to think about what else single people should think about, and had to face one of the most difficult subjects to write well.

Sex.

It’s a minefield of a topic. I could come across as preachy. An Old Fogey. Pollyana. Or out of touch. I might say too much or more likely, not enough. I run a serious risk of alienating my readers, something writers avoid at all cost.

Please honor the courage this will take and continue to read. I’ll speak first to those of you who want to wait until marriage before sharing yourselves sexually and then to those who haven’t waited, as God holds blessings for all.

To be completely open: I believe sexual love is a beautiful and Godly gift when it expresses a life-long covenant. Conversely, I believe sexual expressions of unity, when no lifelong unity is intended, wound the hearts and souls of both parties, and often, innocent others. These wounds make future relationships more difficult to develop in a healthy, holy manner.

That said, I’m going to turn to some points made by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice in For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, a book they wrote after interviewing and surveying hundreds of young men. Though everything below is a generalization, I urge you not to assume your relationship is the exception. Talk seriously and honestly, respecting the vulnerability that honesty brings.

The authors offer several statistically supported insights, first about appearance:

• A guy is automatically tempted to sexually fantasize about an attractive female figure he’s seen. This is completely normal, and a temptation men struggle with throughout their lives. Yes, Christian men, as well.
• Guys think girls know they are enticing men to fantasize about them when they dress provocatively. The way girls dress sends messages they might not intend. Girls might think their outfit says “Cute” when guys receive the signal “Easy.” Yet, it is possible to dress both modestly and attractively.
• Guys fall for girls who don’t have supermodel bodies, but physical attraction is necessary for a dating relationship. Guys want their girlfriends to be healthy, not unrealistically thin, not suffering from eating disorders. But also, they see significantly overweight girls as having low self esteem, which is not attractive to them. The key here is that working toward health is appealing. If you know your eating habits are unhealthy, please, seek professional help.
• Your appearance sends a signal of how you feel about yourself. “As the guys see it, they want girls that think enough of themselves to put effort into their appearance. That showed the guys that the girl was confident in who she was as a person.”

Now, insights about sex:

• Many guys feel neither the ability nor the responsibility to stop the sexual progression. And those who do feel the responsibility don’t want to have to stop it alone.
• Having sex doesn’t mean he loves her or is committed to her. This is a difficult attitude for girls to believe. To women, the physical element is an outpouring of love, but men may “use love to get sex”. In general, guys have premarital sex for physical pleasure; girls have premarital sex to fill an emotional need for connection. Many hearts are broken over this misunderstanding.
• As soon as a girl has sex with a guy, he’ll likely doubt whether he can trust her. Even if he pushed for the sex, the introduction of this doubt will undermine the relationship. “The line gets blurred between love and hormones. From then on, you’re always wondering which factor is in play.”
• Guys want to marry a virgin. As unfair as that seems, the double standard still exists.

When young men were asked to imagine themselves giving anonymous advice to girls, including their sisters, they rose to the occasion. They want to be protective of their sisters and friends. They want to be heroes. I think their advice applies to men and women. They wrote:

• Set boundaries. It helps to have talked ahead of time about expectations. Having predetermined boundaries makes limits easier than when judgment is clouded by hormones.
• Don’t assume anyone is immune to temptation. Don’t rely completely on the person you are with, no matter how honorable he is. He’s tempted, too!
• “Do a Joseph!” When Joseph of the Old Testament was tempted by Potiphar’s wife, he ran! Flee from sexual temptation.
• Be yourself. If they don’t like you for you, they aren’t worth your time. Never compromise your principles. Be confident. After all, you are a child of the King of Kings!

You are a child of the King of Kings, no matter what relationship mistakes you’ve made! Even if you are reading this wounded from the past, or in a relationship where you are dissatisfied with the decisions you’ve made, you are a treasure! God helps us to grow from every experience we’ve had and can turn all mistakes into good. He heals our wounds and creates in us new, healthy hearts. Turn to Him!

I hope everyone who is reading this has experienced the joy of a loving, forgiving parent who thinks you are a gift to the world. But even if you have not, know that God is the perfect parent who loves unconditionally and delights in you, His creation. He wants to see you healthy and whole and is always ready to help you grow. His commands show His loving desire to protect us from harm.

You can reclaim a purity of heart. You can realize your worth as a beloved child of God and decide to only express your physical love when it is the symbol or outpouring of lifelong commitment before God. Not as giving in to temptation and not out of emotional need, but as a gift between two strong people, willing to sacrifice for each other and pledged to one another for life.

I’ll be praying for you,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: Also available on CD which makes it easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

I also recommend:

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Deal Breakers

Last week I asked you to evaluate yourself in several areas to assess your readiness for marriage. Next, if you are in a relationship, you considered the same questions about your beloved. Now I’d like to focus more carefully on the deal breakers that would call you to refuse commitment, no matter how deeply you love. You owe a wise, though difficult decision to yourself and your future children.

DEAL BREAKER RED FLAGS:

• ADDICTIONS – These include substance abuse, such as alcohol or drugs, as well as gambling. You may love the person deeply, but until they are in recovery and have been for a good long time, they cannot love you enough to give you a happy, healthy relationship. They do not have the free will required to commit fully to you. They may be a wonderful person apart from their addiction, but they can’t help being more committed to the addiction than to you.
• DISHONESTY – A person who does not respect the truth will lie to you as easily as you observe him or her lie to someone else. A healthy relationship relies on trust and this person cannot be trusted.
• UNFAITHFULNESS – As much as he or she declares love for you, if there is a history of cheating, you are naive to think you won’t be hurt the same way. Be grateful you learned about this character flaw before you married.
• UNCONTROLLED ANGER – If this person cannot control his (or her) anger and strikes out in a way that hurts himself or someone else, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Even though you have never seen the anger focused on you, you will. If people hurt others intentionally, even with words alone, they are not going to be part of a healthy relationship.
• DISRESPECT FOR YOUR FAITH – Our spirituality is an integral part of us. If your faith is ridiculed, an important side of you is not respected. To be healthy, all relationships need mutual respect. Think ahead to how his or her opinion would influence your children and their faith life.
• CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR – A person who wants to make all decisions and who doesn’t respect your independence and differences of opinion is not a partner. Their need to be in charge will intensify with time, possibly to the point of becoming abusive. This behavior may be difficult to recognize from within the relationship, but below are some warning flags taken from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm 

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?
• humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

• ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR – It should go without saying that you must not continue a relationship with someone who hurts you. Yet, abusers can seem very loving when they are not abusing and so people remain in a dangerous relationship. If you have ever been intentionally hurt by the other, no matter how sorry he or she was later, end the relationship. If you are afraid of ending it, seek help from friends, family, or professionals. If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224.

If a person you love falls into one of the deal breaker categories, this may be the hardest, yet most important decision of your life. Break off the relationship. You deserve a healthy beloved and you cannot single-handedly (nor is it your responsibility to) overcome these dangerous behaviors.

In his book, Love Smart, Dr. Phil McGraw says, “Trust me, if you’re dealing with a guy who is broken in some major way, tell him to get help, give him the name of a good counselor but don’t take that on when you still have an option to choose wisely. That may sound harsh, but you are looking for a healthy, functional partner who is uniquely compatible with you. […] It’s the most obvious rule in the world: Don’t pick the one who is broken.”

(Note – we are all somewhat broken but we are talking here about serious incapacity to love well.) Know that God loves this broken person and He will work to help him or her. It is even possible that losing you will be the impetus this person needs to find help and choose to grow.

I hope you are all headed for healthy, happy relationships, but if you find yourself in any of the trouble listed above, please be brave and seek help.

This was a heavy subject this week, and a bit depressing. Here’s one of my favorite verses from the Bible to perk us back up:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11(NIV)

My prayers are with you,

Betty Arrigotti