4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Love Languages

Do you sometimes miscommunicate so badly that you wonder if your spouse speaks a completely different language?

Do you honestly love your spouse, but can’t figure out why he or she doesn’t believe you?

Gary Chapman, in The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

Consider how your spouse shows you and others in your family affection. Then read the expressions of love below and choose which category describes how your spouse shows love. That is probably the primary way your partner wants you to love him or her. Can’t choose between two? Wonderful! You can be bilingual and have twice as many ways to show your beloved how much you care.

Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.

Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. Spending time together watching TV doesn’t count. Focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, does.

A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive on conversation when both individuals offer self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we actually are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen.

Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.

Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.

Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through acts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made.

You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully, if at all possible.

Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are loved. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

If you aren’t sure of your spouse’s love language, think of what he or she complains about you not doing, or criticizes how you do it. Perhaps he or she is expressing a deep need, though not in an effective way. Ask for clarification, “This sounds very important to you. Can you explain to me why, so I can understand you better?”

Find the particular ways that your unique, delightful spouse experiences love, and then concentrate on expressing your love in the way your beloved understands. May your love take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. Luke 6:38 NLV

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit – Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Try a new one!

Betty Arrigotti

If you’d like to read more: Chapman, Gary (1992) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Moody Press.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Opposites Attract

Opposites attract, right?

On the other hand, when we were caught up in that wonderful emotional rush of new infatuation, didn’t our beloved seem exactly like us? Didn’t we share all the same values, ideals, and hopes for the future? We found ourselves in agreement on nearly everything. Weren’t we perfect for each other?

 Over the last four weeks we discussed the writings of Dr. John Gottman. Today we will turn our attention to some of the writings of David Schnarch, from his 1998 book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships.

 Lifting our honeymoon rose-colored glasses, Schnarch would say, “Yes, we are perfect for each other.” But not because we’re the same; rather, because our differences are so complementary. He writes that we tend to find life partners whose strengths complement our weaknesses and vice versa. For instance, where one of us feels comfortable with relating emotionally, the other is focused on responsibility. One may be an extravert while the other is an introvert, or value logic while the first loves creativity.

Schnarch says, like a metal crucible that holds molten metal as it is refined, our marriages support us while we are forged into better people. Ideally, the “Marriage Crucible” of everyday struggles helps us learn from each other and grow in our weak areas. We’ll become well-rounded and more whole by adding the other’s perspective to our own.

However, in most cases, we miss that opportunity. “He” sees his spouse excel at the nitty-gritty of finances, so he lets her take over those responsibilities. “She” sees him as a spiritual leader, so she focuses on the role of worldly thinker. One’s maternal or paternal instincts are strong, so the other lets her or him become the primary caretaker of the children.

Unfortunately, as we polarize into more extreme versions of ourselves, we lose admiration for our spouses’ differences and begin to feel our strengths are more important than theirs. The logical thinker relinquishes desire to be creative and is irritated by the spouse’s “flightiness” or “immaturity.” Meanwhile, the creative spouse begins to see the logical spouse as boring or restrictive. I’m remembering Harold Higgins in My Fair Lady singing Lerner’s lyrics, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

Held in the confines of a committed relationship, resistance to growth can worsen until it feels intolerable. The irritation of daily interactions will force us to make a choice. We can give up and move on, looking for a relationship with someone new who is “just like us.” Or we can tough it out and choose to round out our abilities, to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zones while we are supported, as we do, by our spouse and by our commitment to our marriage.

 Once I read an article about a newly retired couple. They looked at their remaining lifespan very practically and assumed that one of them would outlive the other. In order to be prepared, they decided to spend the first year of their retirement exchanging responsibilities. The wife learned how to maintain the car, change the furnace filters, and pay the bills. The husband learned how to cook, do laundry, buy gifts for their grandchildren, and clean a bathroom. That wise couple grew strong and flexible within the Marriage Crucible, and no doubt, gained great respect for each other’s abilities. I imagine, when one of them does pass away, the other’s grief will not be intensified by the fear of learning how to take care of day-to-day life.

 I believe if we aren’t growing, we are stagnating. If we aren’t growing closer, we’re moving apart. But a marriage where both partners stretch to learn and develop remains fresh and exciting. Will we settle for less?

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT:

What does your spouse take care of that you could benefit from doing? How can you stretch yourself by learning from your beloved’s strengths?

Gentlemen, if your wife handles communication with your children, reach out to them yourself. If they are grown, call them up just to chat. You’ll be amazed at what it means to you and them.

Ladies, we may all dream of a husband who notices the need and then scrubs a toilet. Still, I’m ashamed to admit how many times I let my husband be the one to dump the sewage from our travel trailer without feeling any guilt. And I truly do not want to learn how to change my car’s oil. But I could learn from him how to let little hurts roll off my back. And I really should tackle some of those phone calls that require assertiveness.

Where can you grow?

Choose one of your partner’s strengths that you’d like to practice and decide how to begin.

In the mean time, as a gift, do one task today that is usually your spouse’s responsibility.

Two Bible verses to ponder:

• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)

Pat yourself on the back for investing four more minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Schnarch, David M. (1998). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships. Henry Holt & Co.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Stonewalling

Are you looking at this entry and thinking, “Is it worth it to read this? I have so much to do!”

Don’t give up! I’ll make this short. And let’s make giving up be the topic of the day.

A question for the gentlemen: does even thinking about arguing with your wife raise your heart rate?

You’re not alone. In an argument, men can easily become flooded with adrenaline. The more charged with negative emotion the discussion becomes, the higher their stress level rises until they are so filled with adrenaline they can no longer process the conversation. They need to shut down. They give up, check out emotionally, or stonewall, John Gottman’s last destructive force.

The stonewaller may think he (or she—25% are female) is trying to stay neutral, or keep emotions from spiraling out of control, but his lack of response causes his wife’s heart rate to skyrocket and ultimately will shut down the whole relationship. How can improvements happen if someone has checked out of the discussion?

Another type of stonewalling happens by choice and can even become a habit. He (or she) decides arguing doesn’t work, so chooses to disconnect. Either he stops responding at all, or his responses have nothing to do with the disagreement, or he storms out of the room. One version that many women resort to is the silent treatment.

It takes two people to forge a strong relationship, but one can destroy it. Disengaging from communication keeps anything from being resolved.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT:

• Take a break, if you need one. (Allow at least 20 minutes for a flooded person to regain normal pulse rate and calm his nervous system.) Tell your spouse when you’ll be able to continue the discussion. Take deep, calming breaths. Go for a walk or exercise to process the adrenaline.
• Stonewallers can benefit from positive self-talk, assuring themselves that as long as they can communicate, they can improve the situation. Rather than catastrophizing—“This is horrible, there’s no hope, we aren’t going to make it, I can’t stand this”— reassure yourself. “I can do this. I love my spouse and am willing to make changes to keep this marriage healthy. We’ll get through this and be stronger for it.”
• Those who live with stonewallers should realize that they must back off before their spouse hits the point of disengaging out of self-defense. Both should try to de-escalate the argument by non-defensive communication. (See last week’s topic.)
• Don’t give up. You may have thought you were avoiding fights by your lack of response, but you actually were avoiding resolution. Be the hero, the knight, but don’t hide behind a suit of armor. Reach out and connect.
• When we most want to turn our backs is when we must turn our hearts back toward each other.

We must actively force away the four horsemen that destroy a chance at a happy marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If we don’t, we will find ourselves living parallel lives, disconnected from our spouses. Then, desperately lonely within our relationship, we run a risk of slipping into an affair in an attempt to build intimacy with someone else.

Bible verse to ponder:

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekial 36:26 RSV)

We will turn to another author in the next entry. Let’s review Gottman’s points:

1. At a most basic level, we all want love and respect in a relationship.
2. Complaints are specific and about one behavior. They can enhance a relationship if spouses are open to growth.
3. Criticism, on the other hand, attacks the person.
4. Contempt attacks the person with an intent to hurt.
5. Defensiveness, or the poor-me stance, relinquishes our ability to accept the challenge of self improvement for the sake of the ones we love.
6. De-escalate a disagreement by reaffirming your admiration for your spouse, interjecting healthy humor, touching affectionately, stepping back to make a comment about your current feelings, or trying to look at things from your spouse’s point of view.
7. When we want to turn our backs (stonewall) is when we must keep turning back toward each other.

Please contact me if you have ideas for ways to make these entries more helpful.

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Defensiveness

Today’s topic is defensiveness, or taking on the attitude of innocent victim. If you’ve breezed through the last two weeks finding no criticism or contempt in your relationship, great! But defensiveness is harder to avoid. What is our reflex when we are criticized, attacked, or even confronted with a simple complaint? I know I have a natural tendency to defend myself. Either I entertain thoughts about “poor me” or ideas of righteous indignation.

Picture your frustrated (worried?) spouse who meets you at the door and snaps, “You should have called to let me know you were going to be so late.”

What’s your most likely tactic?

1. (Making excuses) “The phone is always busy here; I wouldn’t have gotten through anyway.” Variations include, “Work was so intense I didn’t get a spare minute.”

2. (Tit for tat) “You didn’t call me when you were late yesterday.” This is a grownup version of the playground retort, “I’m rubber and you’re glue; what bounces off me sticks to you.”

3. (Counterattack) “Couldn’t you wait until I at least get my coat off? What ever happened to ‘Welcome home?’”

4. (Non-defensive) “You’re right; I’m sorry if I worried you.”

(If you answered number 4 you already are adept at non-defensive listening and speaking.)

The problem with defensiveness is it exacerbates negativity. Rather than acknowledging a problem so that it can be worked out and improve the marriage, it derails any chance for a positive exchange. It stops constructive communication and leaves trouble unresolved. We want so badly to prove we are right that we sacrifice our own and our spouses’ happiness.

In relationships we tend to catch each other’s emotions. If someone walks in the house excited and happy, bursting with good news, chances are pretty good the whole family will benefit. But if someone comes home angry, it won’t be long before everyone is upset. Unfortunately, it seems negative emotions are dominant and positive are recessive. One bad mood can ruin the evening for everyone else.

It takes real self control not to become caught up in our spouse’s anger. My husband is amazing at this, and I wish I would learn from him. When people are angry with him and he doesn’t think he deserves it, he usually shrugs and figures they are having a bad day. When people are angry with me, I’m angry right back: “How dare they feel that way?” Obviously, my husband’s attitude is much healthier and serves to de-escalate rather than intensify situations.

If we get too used to believing we are innocent victims, taking on the “poor me” attitude, we cheat ourselves out of opportunities to improve our relationships. It’s much easier to retaliate or to pour out our woes to friends or family about how difficult our spouses are, than to take a deep breath, truly listen to our spouses’ perspectives, and admit we might be wrong.

After all, we only can change ourselves. We need to acknowledge our weaknesses and faults and try to improve our relationships by improving ourselves. That’s the stuff of heroes. Yes, our spouses have faults, but we aren’t perfect. We are never completely right, nor are they completely wrong. Marriage is worth admitting our mistakes and doing something about them. It might take a while for our spouses to notice, but they will.

Don’t give up. Dr. Gottman maintains that five positive interactions counter one negative one. That might feel something like “seven times seven,” but the benefits of a strong marriage reach from generation to generation. If in the heat of a disagreement we can’t step back for our spouses, let’s do it for our children’s sake.

Alternatives for enhancement: Turn your attention from yourself and focus on your spouse.

1. Non-defensive listening:

• Is your marriage cup half empty or half full? Practice dwelling on your partner’s good qualities, rather than their weaknesses, especially when you feel upset.
• When your spouse is angry, don’t take his or her words personally. Instead, hear the anger as an effort at turning up the volume in order to be heard.
• Listen to the emotions behind the words. Look to facial expressions for clues. Is my beloved angry, frustrated, afraid? Have I done something to cause this? What can I do to make him or her feel more secure?
• Empathize. How would you feel if you were your spouse?

1. Non defensive speaking:

• Remember the simple, specific complaint, with the focus on your feelings rather than on blame. “I felt X when you Y. I’d rather you Z.” Complaints are much less aggressive than either criticism or contempt.
• Stop an angry retort! This stops the negativity cycle before it spins out of control. Tone of voice can be very intimidating. Keep yours calm.
• Let your answer show that you have heard the complaint, or that you understand the emotions that your actions caused. Apologize.
•  Compliment. Fill that half empty/half full marriage cup to overflowing.

Bible verse to ponder: Wives be submissive to your husbands, {…} Husbands love your wives….

Ladies, did that verse make you feel defensive? (I won’t ask the gentlemen how it made them feel.) This paraphrase of 1 Peter 3:1,7 is a mine field. But surely wives are not excluded from the call to love their husbands. So, neither are husbands excluded from the call to be submissive to their wives. Let’s all submit to our spouses when they are upset with us. Let’s reject the victim role and focus on our spouses’ feelings and perspective instead of our own.

Peter goes on to say: “Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love of the brethren, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not return evil for evil or reviling for reviling; but on the contrary bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:8,9 RSV emphasis mine)

Thank you investing four (or five?) minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage Eradicate Contempt

Greetings, 4Mers!

How was your week? Did you manage to stop yourself before a criticism left your lips? Did you restrain it to be a simple complaint like: “I felt (disappointed, frustrated, sad) when you (specific, one-time behavior)?”

Or did you find yourself more aware of others being critical? It’s always harder to see our own faults. (That’s one reason we have children—to point our failings out to us.)      😉

 We must keep working on reducing criticism because if it isn’t eradicated, it can deteriorate into contempt, John Gottman’s second step to the destruction of a marriage. Contempt differs from criticism in its intent to insult and hurt our spouse.

Think of how you looked at your spouse with such love when you exchanged vows. Can you picture that moment? Recapture the hope and excitement? We never dreamed we would want to hurt the one we chose to spend our life with. Most of the time we still don’t want to, but during a heated disagreement….

Remember the eye-rolling woman in last week’s entry? Such body language makes it clear we have lost our admiration for our partner and are feeling contempt. So do insults and name calling, hostile humor and sarcasm. And you know that particular tone of voice. Doesn’t it almost make a shiver run up your spine to imagine it?

We are in contempt’s grip when we can’t think of a single good thing to say about our spouses. Our admiration decays; our respect disintegrates. And what do we all need in our relationships? Yes, love and respect. So it’s absolutely vital to avoid any temptation to express contempt.

We’ve promised to love and honor, in good times and in bad. In the heat of an argument, we are in the midst of one of those bad times. That’s when we desperately need to show our loved one honor, in order to protect our marriage.

Thoughts to watch out for: “I’ll show him;” “Two can play at this game;” “She’ll need me before I’ll need her;” or any desire to slap our partner with our words.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

1. Stop the angry retort that feels so justified; bite your tongue if you have to. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Try a gentle touch like taking his hand in yours, or break the cycle with good natured humor, or suggest you both take a break until you are cooler. But don’t ignore the issue that set off the disagreement. If you take a break, set a time when you will be ready to talk again.

The touch, humor, or break helps us calm ourselves. It stops the cycle of negativity that pulls us down during a disagreement. “She” says something that hurts him, so “he” strikes back verbally, then she escalates and hurts him worse. But if we do something to calm ourselves, we can halt the progression and reconnect.

Try to hear the fear behind the other’s attack, rather than the ugly words.

2. Another way to counteract contempt and replace negativity is to express honest admiration daily. It might be hard when contempt has blocked our awareness of the good qualities of our spouses, but remember, we all need love and respect. A simple “thank you”—for making dinner, running an errand, or taking out the garbage—can reopen communication. Better yet, a well-deserved compliment can do wonders for any of us. If we can set aside our negativity, we won’t need to look too hard for something to admire about our spouses, whether it be their appearance, their achievements at work, or the way they interact with our children.

3. Are you old enough to remember the old television quip, “The devil made me do it?” Look upon derogatory thoughts about your spouse as temptation that must be resisted. Whenever you have a negative thought, force yourself to counter it with three things you appreciate about him or her.

Sadly, if contempt is common in your relationship, your spouse may not trust your small gesture and continue to react with hostility at first, but persevere. Before long, you will be the one on the receiving end of encouragement.

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13, RSV)

Thank you investing four minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.