Healthy Family

This week we concentrate on aspects of a healthy family.
First, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

• In the John Powell, S.J., timeless book, Unconditional Love: Love without Limits, he holds that unconditional love must be the basis of family life. Though we all fall short at times, loving without preconditions should be our goal—the type of love we continually strive to achieve and maintain. Unconditional love says, “No matter what, I will not reject you. I’m committed to your growth and happiness. I will always love you.”
• Powell reminds us that love is not a feeling, but rather a decision and a choice.
• Unconditional love says: I will love you; I will encourage you by helping you to be aware of your strengths, and when necessary, I will challenge you to grow.
• Sometimes unconditional love must be tough love, when truly wanting what is best for someone’s growth and happiness means not giving them what they want, but rather what is essential.
• Unconditional love is liberating. It frees the loved one to be authentic and real.

 
I think most people would agree that our children deserve unconditional love. It gets harder, though, when we turn it around. Shouldn’t we love our parents unconditionally, too? They weren’t perfect, but neither are we. And, what about our siblings? Or those family members who aren’t healthy to be around? Sadly, boundaries must sometimes be raised to protect our emotional well-being. Yet, for spiritual and emotional health, unconditional love calls us to endeavor to forgive the wrongs of the past, even if from a distance. That way, if the family member ever makes changes for the better, we will be ready to reconnect.
 
It follows that loving unconditionally requires FORGIVENESS.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt enjoins us to make a conscious decision to be a forgiver. Those who forgive benefit from

• a better immune system
• lower blood pressure
• better mental health
• lower anger, anxiety, and depression
• more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships than those unable to forgive.

 
We can’t experience complete joy if we feel either betrayed or guilty. In both cases, healing won’t be complete until we forgive and are forgiven. The two are connected. In the Our Father, Jesus teaches us to ask: Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Matthew 6:12
 
Why does Jesus tell us to forgive? Is it to add another burden to our struggle? No, He wants us to be happy, and we cannot be fully at peace when we are angry with someone and feeling a grudge. Our negativity blocks the bounty of graces that He longs to pour onto us. Bitterness cannot occupy the soul at the same time as God’s grace.

If we truly accept and appreciate and believe God forgives us, our spirits are so filled, so lightened, that we have no need of grudges. Bitterness simply won’t fit or coexist with our cleansed spirit. How can we, while knowing how good God is to forgive our mistakes and even our deliberate wrongdoing, not offer the same to others?
 
How can we forgive others?

• Decide to forgive and then refuse to dwell on the injury when it comes to mind.
• Be mindful of our own weaknesses and mistakes and God’s mercy. Ask Him to give us the grace to forgive.
• Consider the other’s challenges that affected the behavior. Was his childhood difficult? Did she have a hard day? Maybe they are struggling to do the best they can.
• Actively seek out and focus on the offender’s strengths and goodness.
• Don’t cherish a grudge. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver. Put the trouble in God’s hands, ask God to heal them, and then let go.

 
How can we ask for forgiveness?
Years ago, I copied a formula for apology from JoEllen at http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/ and I find it to be a wonderful lesson for children (and adults.)
 
An apology is most effective when we follow 4 steps and say:

1. I’m sorry for…: Be specific. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you really understand what they are upset about.
2. This is wrong because…: This might take some more thinking, but this is one of the most important parts. Until you understand why it was wrong or how it hurt someone’s feelings, it’s unlikely you will change. This is also important to show the person you hurt that you really understand how they feel. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this makes! Sometimes, people want to feel understood more than they want an apology. Sometimes just showing understanding–even without an apology–is enough to make them feel better! 
3. In the future, I will…: Use positive language, and tell them what you WILL do, not what you won’t do.
4. Will you forgive me? This is important to try to restore your friendship. Now, there is no rule that the other person must forgive you. Sometimes, they won’t. That’s their decision. Hopefully, you will all try to be the kind of friends who will forgive easily, but that’s not something you automatically get just because you apologized. But you should at least ask for it.

 
 
Third, we consider TRAITS OF A HEALTHY FAMILY
In Traits of a Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, she writes a healthy family:

1. Communicates and listens
2. Fosters table time and conversations
3. Affirms and supports one another
4. Teaches respect for others
5. Develops a sense of trust
6. Has a sense of play and humor
7. Has a balance of interaction among members
8. Shares leisure time
9. Exhibits a sense of shared responsibility
10. Teaches a sense of right and wrong
11. Has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound
12. Has a shared religious core
13. Respects the privacy of one another
14. Values service to others
15. Admits to and seeks help with problems

 
To summarize, to build strong families, we offer our family a lifetime of

• striving to love them unconditionally,
• forgiving them for their mistakes and
• asking forgiveness for our own,
• but always trying again to love, encourage, and challenge each other to be the best we each can be.

My favorite suggestion for growing a healthier family is Matthew Kelly’s concept that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. “No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.”


Happy St. Patrick’s Day next week! A bit of Irish wisdom for you: “Having somewhere to go is home, having someone to love is family, having both is a blessing.”

Sacred Marriage

Welcome to this weekly Lenten series. In previous years I’ve summarized findings from psychology or spiritual writers about such matters as marriage, family, hard times, grandparenting, etc., in emails called “4 Minutes 4 Growth.” This year, my daughter says I’m doing a Greatest Hits Review.

This week let’s look at Marriage.

Thomas says, “The real transforming work of marriage is the twenty-four-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week commitment. This is the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ. […] Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value.”

He continues, “The first purpose of marriage—beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else—is to please God. The challenge, of course, is that it is utterly selfless living; rather than asking, “What will make me happy?” we are told that we must ask, “What will make God happy?”

As the author says, “Marriage virtually forces us into the intense act of reconciliation.” And so we become examples, though imperfect, of God’s constant forgiveness and effort at reconciliation.

A few points about reconciliation from the book:

• “Husbands, you are married to a fallen woman in a broken world. Wives, you are married to a sinful man in a sinful world. If we view the marriage relationship as an opportunity to excel in love, it doesn’t matter how difficult the person is whom we are called to love; it doesn’t matter if that love is ever returned. We can still excel at love. We can still say, ‘Like it or not, I’m going to love you like nobody ever has.’” (Betty here – this does not mean anyone should remain in an abusive situation. We can love from a safe distance.)
• “The times that I am happiest and most fulfilled in my marriage are the times when I am intent on drawing meaning and fulfillment from becoming a better husband rather than from demanding a “better” wife. […] Yes, we need a changed partner, but the partner that needs to change is not our spouse, it’s us!”
• “I don’t know how you can be unsatisfied maritally, and then offer yourself to God to bring about change in your life and suddenly find yourself more than satisfied with the same spouse. I don’t know why this works, only that it does work.”

The author continues about mistakes:

• “Falls are inevitable. We can’t control that, but we can control the direction in which we fall—toward or away from our spouse.”
• “I believe one of marriage’s primary purposes is to teach us how to forgive. This spiritual discipline provides us with the power we need to keep falling forward in the context of a sinful world.”
• “It took years for me to understand I have a Christian obligation to continually move toward my wife. I thought that as long as I didn’t attack my wife or say cruel things to her, I was a “nice” husband, but the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate, it’s apathy. To stop moving toward our spouse is to stop loving him or her. It’s holding back from the very purpose of marriage.”
• “What do we do when our spouse doesn’t want us to fall forward—when in fact, our spouse is pushing us away? The Bible provides clear guidance. The father let the prodigal son go, but love demanded that the father always be ready with open arms to “fall forward” should the son ever return (see Luke 15:11-32).”

Thomas speaks from his own perspective about the care of wives. Of course, all he says can encourage wives to treat husbands as treasures, too. (I’ve changed words to generalize) but he writes:

• “My [spouse] was created by God himself! How dare I dishonor [him or] her? In fact, shouldn’t it even give me pause before I reach out to touch [him or] her?  They are the Creator’s child, after all!”
• “The biggest challenge for me in upholding my spiritual obligation to honor my [spouse] is that I get busy and sidetracked. I don’t mean to dishonor [them]; I just absentmindedly neglect to actively honor [them.]”
• The virtues necessary in truly loving a [man or woman] and having that love returned—the virtues of listening, patience, humility, service, and faithful love—are the very virtues necessary for us to love God and to feel His love returned.”

Then he extends the idea of family and asks us to be of service to the world because,

• “When marriage becomes our primary pursuit, our delight in the relationship will be crippled by fear, possessiveness, and self-centeredness.” “But a man and woman dedicated to seeing each other grow in their maturity in Christ; who raise children who know and honor the Lord; who engage in business that supports God’s work on earth and is carried out in the context of relationships and good stewardship of both time and money—these Christians are participating in the creativity that gives a spiritually healthy soul immeasurable joy, purpose, and fulfillment.”
• “We allow marriage to point beyond itself when we accept two central missions: becoming the people God created us to be and doing the work God has given us to do. If we embrace—not just accept, but actively embrace—these two missions, we will have a full life, a rich life, a meaningful life, and a successful life. The irony is, we will probably also have a happy marriage, but that will come as a blessed by-product of putting everything else in order.”

Thomas, quoting Evelyn & James Whitehead says: “In our marriage we tell the next generation what sex and marriage and fidelity look like to Christians. We are prophets, for better and for worse, of the future of Christian marriage.”

May you show your love for God by loving your spouse well. I pray for blessings on your week.

Miriam’s Joy! Reviewed

I was delighted to read a review by Editor Ed Langlois in last week’s diocesan newspaper, Catholic Sentinel! Here are a few excerpts and the link in case you’d like to read the whole article:

Portland Catholic author Betty Arrigotti has offered a new novel in which the Blessed Virgin Mary appears in our fair city quietly to help a grieving woman. It’s a lively and fulfilling read.

Arrigotti’s depiction of Mary as a joyful Middle Easterner in headscarf satisfies both those with a longstanding devotion and those who may have been put off by a sanitized and Caucasian-ized version. Those who love Mary know she is more than a pretty statue, but a strong woman bent on doing God’s will and justice, as the Magnificat prayer indicates.

“Miriam’s Joy” has a literally explosive opening. The first sections also contain a mystery. While this reader wishes the ambiguity had been carried at least a few more chapters, Arrigotti does show admirable restraint. Mary doesn’t glow in the sky or make the evening news, but instead works kindly and firmly in the everyday life of Portlanders. That’s indeed how God and God’s partners seem to act.

It’s all told in Arrigotti’s clean and expert prose and reflects what we can presume is the author’s knowledge of life’s trials, such as losing loved ones and working out relationships. Arrigotti writes with authenticity about the human experience.

The book’s mix of spiritual and human seems just right.

Arrigotti is a skilled crafter of vignettes. In this book, she uses them to show how Mary helps connect people, which seems like just what Mary would do.

Thank you, Ed Langlois! You made my week! Hopefully a sequel novel will be available before long!

https://catholicsentinel.org/Content/Default/Catholic-Sentinel-E-Edition/Flipbook/December-17-2021/-3/390/69#18