Your Best Self

Welcome back! Did you think about what change would make the best difference in your life? It’s fine if you don’t know. We can figure it out over the next few weeks.

Matthew Kelly, in Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, writes that generally speaking, in the 1950s, people worked in order to support their families. By the 1980s, people wanted to make as much money as possible, no matter how hard and long they had to work. The 1990s found people wanting more leisure time. Now, the newest generation entering the workforce wants to have work that they see as meaningful so they find fulfillment through the work they do. Kelly asserts, “The primary meaning, purpose, and value of work is that when we work hard and well, when we pay attention to the details of our work, we develop character and virtue. When we work, we gain the opportunity to partner with God.” He adds, “Happiness is found in doing things that we can take pride in doing well and hence can enjoy doing.

Therefore, if we want to grow in virtue, which increases our happiness, we should work whole-heartedly at the job we have. We shouldn’t ask, “What do I want to be when I grow up,” but rather, “Who is God inviting me to become?” We should then take steps, even if baby steps, today, toward finding our passion. What might those baby steps be? Write a list of all your passions. Celebrate them, large and small. Where is your dream in that list? What do you need to do to move from your current life to your dream? It may take time to find what you love to do but start doing what you love in small ways now.

Kelly says, “Life is about love. What do you love doing? Do it. What do you love being? Be it. What do you love having? Have it and share it. Who do you love loving? Love them.” If financial obstacles keep you from doing what you love, what are you willing to sacrifice? And if your passion may not pay the bills, then make space in your life to pursue it through your hobbies, or as a small part-time business, or as a volunteer. Overcome your fears. “Find what you love and do it.”

Next, live what you believe. Be content with what you are today, but let’s never stop striving to improve ourselves for tomorrow. Begin to listen to the small voice that guides you toward your best, whether you call it conscience, or God, or wisdom. It will lead you toward what is “good, true, noble, and beautiful.” Act on what you believe. Stop doing what you know you should stop. Start doing what you know you should do. Don’t be so busy that fatigue or stress keep you from following your beliefs.

This decision to become—or act from—your best self requires self-discipline. Kelly says you can’t be happy without discipline. “In fact, if you want to measure the level of happiness in your life, measure your level of discipline.” In 2013, Time Magazine quoted a study published in the Journal of Personality asserting that self-disciplined people are happier than those who aren’t. They found a connection between our levels of self-control and our levels of life satisfaction. The authors write that “one interpretation of this finding is that people use self-control to set up their lives so as to avoid problems.”

Kelly cautions, “The body has a voice for a reason: to alert us to hunger, thirst, heat, cold, and danger. But when we overindulge the body, this voice becomes the voice of craving rather than the voice of need. […] The body is like money, a horrible master but an excellent servant. […] The greatest dictator of the twenty-first century is the body. We do whatever it tells us to do, whenever it tells us to do it. […] Self-mastery is the only alternative to the enslavement of self.” In short, we must control our impulses if we wish to be happier. One method Kelly recommends to regain mastery of ourselves is to practice fasting, or denying ourselves in small ways “so that we can regain the self-mastery that makes us free and take control once more of our temperament, appetites, and impulses.” Beyond simply fasting from food, we can fast from shopping, criticism, complaining, etc. At each meal we can choose to forego something, such as the largest serving, seconds, or dessert. Throughout the day we can fast from gossip, or a nap, or a television program.

Little acts of self-denial allow us to be free from those indulgences that enslave us.

So, according to Kelly’s chapters, our next steps toward happiness are:

1. Find what you love and do it
2. Live what you believe
3. Be disciplined

These are both simple and very complex recommendations. What can we do this week in each area? For me, I’ll be disciplined about writing more, despite all the family distractions. What about you?

Your Best Self

Welcome back to our Lenten series, 4 Minutes 4 Growth. This season we will discuss two books that both encourage us to become our best selves: Perfectly Yourself – Discovering God’s Dream for You, by Matthew Kelly, and Best Self – Be You, Only Better, by Dr. Phil McGraw’s friend, life coach Mike Bayer. They both deal with the difficulty we have changing ourselves, even when we know how much better we would be if we did.

Kelly asks, “Are you happy?” and then adds, “[…] The first thing I learned is that you will never be happy pretending to be someone other than the person God created you to be. […] Only one thing can be reasonably asked of you: that you be yourself.”

Kelly asserts we’ve been raised with the lie that we can do anything we set our minds to. We can’t grow up to be anything we want to be. But better yet, we can develop our strengths and talents to be what God intends us to be: Perfectly our imperfect selves. God has created each of us to be unique, for a unique purpose in this life. We’ve been given certain talents, or life experiences that have taught us certain truths, and though we don’t receive every talent and life hasn’t taught us every truth, if we strive to be our best self, we will fulfill the purpose God intended us for.

To grow towards our best self, both authors encourage us to look at our strengths and also our weaknesses. We need to honestly discern which weaknesses are simply part of who we are, and which are areas that deserve effort to improve. We need to celebrate who we are and not try to be something we are not best suited to be. For instance, I am a strong introvert and shouldn’t expect to ever become an extravert. My quiet introspection is a part of me that I value. But I do have many areas in my life that I’d like to and can improve upon, such as my overactive sweet tooth, or my failure to keep things tidy, or an overly critical side of me that I always have to battle. Kelly says the challenge for each of us is to “strive to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and God-given talents.”

With every decision we need to ask which option would lead us toward being the best version of ourselves. Our choices need to be determined by the side of us that is our best self. Though we won’t do this perfectly and always, allowing our best side to lead us will move us toward becoming overall, a better self. “The-best-version-of-yourself isn’t something we strive for and never achieve. It is something we achieve in some moments and not in others.”

Mike Bayer believes we have many spheres where we can improve. In fact, he uses the acronym SPHERES to list them: Social, Personal, Health, Education, Relationships, Employment, and Spiritual Development. Most of us can improve in each of those areas, and we could set goals for every sphere. We will discuss the categories again later, but to focus now, let’s pick one area. Kelly recommends we ask ourselves what one change in our lives would make the biggest difference in moving us towards our best selves. “What is the one thing about yourself that would most radically improve your life if you changed it?” He recommends focusing on growing in one virtue: honesty, patience, moderation, kindness, humility, courage, perseverance, compassion, hope, charity, generosity, wisdom, gentleness… Growing in one area will naturally improve other areas.

No doubt you, like me, have tried to make a change for the better in some area of your life and have failed. Repeatedly.

Kelly says we set ourselves up for failure if we don’t focus on our progress rather than on our setbacks. In the past when we’ve failed, we may have tended to sink into negative self-talk about how we will never be any better. This sets up a pattern of defeat and, before long, we stop trying. We forget that we are treasured children of the God who forgives constantly and gives us the graces we need to succeed. Instead of dwelling on our failures, we should learn from them and then consider them steps toward success. We must consciously congratulate ourselves on our small successes and celebrate our progress.

Or perhaps we fail because we give in to temporary pleasure rather than allow our virtues to go the distance for real happiness. Pleasure lasts only while we do that which gives pleasure. Happiness endures beyond the experience. Cake is great, but only while you eat it. Giving someone a gift can be enjoyed each time you remember doing it. Living right by listening to the quiet voice within us and choosing to do the next right thing will lead us to enduring happiness rather than transient pleasure. In short, rather than increasing our possessions, we need to increase our virtues to live a meaningful life.

Kelly says, “…we keep telling ourselves that when we get what we want, and enough of what we want, then we will be happy. The reason it doesn’t work is because you simply never can get enough of what you don’t really need.” Ecclesiastes agrees, “Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.” (Verse 5:10)

So, this beginning week of Lent,

What change could make the best difference in our lives?

Let’s start by choosing to do the next right thing, focusing on our successes rather than our failures, in our attempt to grow in character to attain true happiness.

Blessings on your week.

Whatever the state of a marriage, it is possible to improve it. I hope the posts this Lent have helped with that endeavor.

 

In this week’s book, The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World’s Happiest Couples, Gregory K. Popcak, MSW, discusses a continuum of marriage types from weakest to strongest. Find ways to emulate the marriage type that is beyond yours and grow both personally and relationally.

 

Deadly Marriages:

• In Chaotic marriages, both husband and wife are bent on self-destruction in an attempt to escape, either from their past or from the world as it is.
• In Codependent marriages, one is bent on self destruction and the other is determined to save the partner.

 

Shipwrecked marriages are all about staying afloat. They may be:

• Materialistic, where they value financial security above all else. In these the husband is often neglectful or controlling while the wife is dependent.
• Safety marriages, where the wife with a traumatic past chooses a nice, quiet man to avoid conflict and pursue a stress-free life.
• Rescue marriages where both spouses fled traumatic childhoods. They are happy to have survived, and don’t ask for more.

 

Conventional Marriages are built to support and maintain a couple’s place in world. In a conventional marriage:

• Both spouses are relatively sure of their own ability to provide for at least basic needs.
• Both have found personally meaningful work or social roles to play.
• Here, love is warm and comfortable but the number one threat is growing apart. Other problems include domestic scorekeeping (whose turn it is to do what and how much is fair) and marital chicken (you change first). Most marriages in this category are moderately stable and moderately satisfying.

 

With work, they can become:

 

Exceptional Marriages

These marriages make up only 7 % of married couples. The first stage is:

Partnership Marriages which are primarily concerned with pursuing and increasing personal competence. This pursuit allows:

• No job is off limits for either spouse. A 100/100 partnership keeps them from 50/50 mentality.
• True intimacy, because no matter how much they give to the marriage they know they will not be taken for granted. They see each other as their best hope for becoming the people they want to be by the end of their lives, by helping each other grow in identity strength and move toward actualization of their shared spiritual values, moral ideals and emotional goals.
• Rapport and negotiation. The intense interest in and sharing each other’s worlds tend to remove the last barriers to communication.

 

To improve further, partnership marriages must develop a truly spiritual sexuality and exhibit a willingness to make financial sacrifices, setting serious limits on anything that distracts them from actualizing their value system. Then they may find themselves part of a

 

Spiritual Peer Marriage whose marital theme is the pursuit of intimacy, simplification, and actualization. These couples are a joyful, living breathing example of their particular value system. These couples hold common traits:

• Simplification – they are off the fast track, having discovered deeper values.
• Competence – both husband and wife are competent at all aspects of family life
• Egalitarianism over equality – they know they are equal, they don’t have to prove it. In a “dance of competence,” they desire to never take the other for granted so they accomplish what needs to be done without worrying about whose responsibility a task is.
• Each other’s best friends, they have virtually no secrets from each other, and have achieved a level of spiritual sexuality that is truly enviable.
• As in Maslow’s definition of self actualized – They are accepting of themselves and others, are at peace when life becomes unpredictable, are spontaneous and creative, have a good sense of humor, value their privacy, can take care of themselves, are capable of deeply intimate relationships, and have an open, positive attitude about life.

 

:

 

1. Exceptional Fidelity, the promise to “forsake all others,” includes all those friendships, family-of-origin commitments, career opportunities, and community involvements that do not serve to increase either the physical and mental health of each spouse or the intimacy of the marriage.

 

2. Exceptional Love is a calling. They do loving things for their mate every day, whether or not they feel like it and whether or not their mate “deserves” it.

 

3. Exceptional Mutual service is valued more than “fairness” or sharply defined roles and responsibilities. Each actively looks for opportunities to serve and nurture their mate, creating a dance of competence that enables chores and other domestic responsibilities to be passed back and forth gracefully, and accomplished efficiently.

 

4. Exceptional Rapport becomes the result of overcoming both their basic gender and personality differences, allowing them to achieve an enviable level of understanding and in their relationships.

 

5. Exceptional Negotiation where all needs are respected and met—even when a partner’s need is not completely understood. That your need will be met is never called into question; the only topic of debate is, “What is the most efficient, respectful means by which your need can be met?”

 

6. Exceptional Gratitude ensures every service—no matter how common or simple—is viewed as an active expression of love to be noted and appreciated.

 

7. Exceptional Joy imparts an ability to play and be joyful together. They look for new interests to share and work to share in the interests they already have. They make time to be together, work at being present to each other, and actively seek ways to ease each other’s burdens.

 

8. Exceptional Sexuality allows them to view sex as something they are. For them, lovemaking is not an activity or a performance; it is a total self-gift, a symbol and expression of all that is good about themselves and their relationship. It is a spiritually active way to connect with the Divine.

 

What more could we want than to connect with the Divine through our marriage?

May your marriage continue to grow and bring you closer to God.