4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Defensiveness

Today’s topic is defensiveness, or taking on the attitude of innocent victim. If you’ve breezed through the last two weeks finding no criticism or contempt in your relationship, great! But defensiveness is harder to avoid. What is our reflex when we are criticized, attacked, or even confronted with a simple complaint? I know I have a natural tendency to defend myself. Either I entertain thoughts about “poor me” or ideas of righteous indignation.

Picture your frustrated (worried?) spouse who meets you at the door and snaps, “You should have called to let me know you were going to be so late.”

What’s your most likely tactic?

1. (Making excuses) “The phone is always busy here; I wouldn’t have gotten through anyway.” Variations include, “Work was so intense I didn’t get a spare minute.”

2. (Tit for tat) “You didn’t call me when you were late yesterday.” This is a grownup version of the playground retort, “I’m rubber and you’re glue; what bounces off me sticks to you.”

3. (Counterattack) “Couldn’t you wait until I at least get my coat off? What ever happened to ‘Welcome home?’”

4. (Non-defensive) “You’re right; I’m sorry if I worried you.”

(If you answered number 4 you already are adept at non-defensive listening and speaking.)

The problem with defensiveness is it exacerbates negativity. Rather than acknowledging a problem so that it can be worked out and improve the marriage, it derails any chance for a positive exchange. It stops constructive communication and leaves trouble unresolved. We want so badly to prove we are right that we sacrifice our own and our spouses’ happiness.

In relationships we tend to catch each other’s emotions. If someone walks in the house excited and happy, bursting with good news, chances are pretty good the whole family will benefit. But if someone comes home angry, it won’t be long before everyone is upset. Unfortunately, it seems negative emotions are dominant and positive are recessive. One bad mood can ruin the evening for everyone else.

It takes real self control not to become caught up in our spouse’s anger. My husband is amazing at this, and I wish I would learn from him. When people are angry with him and he doesn’t think he deserves it, he usually shrugs and figures they are having a bad day. When people are angry with me, I’m angry right back: “How dare they feel that way?” Obviously, my husband’s attitude is much healthier and serves to de-escalate rather than intensify situations.

If we get too used to believing we are innocent victims, taking on the “poor me” attitude, we cheat ourselves out of opportunities to improve our relationships. It’s much easier to retaliate or to pour out our woes to friends or family about how difficult our spouses are, than to take a deep breath, truly listen to our spouses’ perspectives, and admit we might be wrong.

After all, we only can change ourselves. We need to acknowledge our weaknesses and faults and try to improve our relationships by improving ourselves. That’s the stuff of heroes. Yes, our spouses have faults, but we aren’t perfect. We are never completely right, nor are they completely wrong. Marriage is worth admitting our mistakes and doing something about them. It might take a while for our spouses to notice, but they will.

Don’t give up. Dr. Gottman maintains that five positive interactions counter one negative one. That might feel something like “seven times seven,” but the benefits of a strong marriage reach from generation to generation. If in the heat of a disagreement we can’t step back for our spouses, let’s do it for our children’s sake.

Alternatives for enhancement: Turn your attention from yourself and focus on your spouse.

1. Non-defensive listening:

• Is your marriage cup half empty or half full? Practice dwelling on your partner’s good qualities, rather than their weaknesses, especially when you feel upset.
• When your spouse is angry, don’t take his or her words personally. Instead, hear the anger as an effort at turning up the volume in order to be heard.
• Listen to the emotions behind the words. Look to facial expressions for clues. Is my beloved angry, frustrated, afraid? Have I done something to cause this? What can I do to make him or her feel more secure?
• Empathize. How would you feel if you were your spouse?

1. Non defensive speaking:

• Remember the simple, specific complaint, with the focus on your feelings rather than on blame. “I felt X when you Y. I’d rather you Z.” Complaints are much less aggressive than either criticism or contempt.
• Stop an angry retort! This stops the negativity cycle before it spins out of control. Tone of voice can be very intimidating. Keep yours calm.
• Let your answer show that you have heard the complaint, or that you understand the emotions that your actions caused. Apologize.
•  Compliment. Fill that half empty/half full marriage cup to overflowing.

Bible verse to ponder: Wives be submissive to your husbands, {…} Husbands love your wives….

Ladies, did that verse make you feel defensive? (I won’t ask the gentlemen how it made them feel.) This paraphrase of 1 Peter 3:1,7 is a mine field. But surely wives are not excluded from the call to love their husbands. So, neither are husbands excluded from the call to be submissive to their wives. Let’s all submit to our spouses when they are upset with us. Let’s reject the victim role and focus on our spouses’ feelings and perspective instead of our own.

Peter goes on to say: “Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love of the brethren, a tender heart and a humble mind. Do not return evil for evil or reviling for reviling; but on the contrary bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:8,9 RSV emphasis mine)

Thank you investing four (or five?) minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage Eradicate Contempt

Greetings, 4Mers!

How was your week? Did you manage to stop yourself before a criticism left your lips? Did you restrain it to be a simple complaint like: “I felt (disappointed, frustrated, sad) when you (specific, one-time behavior)?”

Or did you find yourself more aware of others being critical? It’s always harder to see our own faults. (That’s one reason we have children—to point our failings out to us.)      😉

 We must keep working on reducing criticism because if it isn’t eradicated, it can deteriorate into contempt, John Gottman’s second step to the destruction of a marriage. Contempt differs from criticism in its intent to insult and hurt our spouse.

Think of how you looked at your spouse with such love when you exchanged vows. Can you picture that moment? Recapture the hope and excitement? We never dreamed we would want to hurt the one we chose to spend our life with. Most of the time we still don’t want to, but during a heated disagreement….

Remember the eye-rolling woman in last week’s entry? Such body language makes it clear we have lost our admiration for our partner and are feeling contempt. So do insults and name calling, hostile humor and sarcasm. And you know that particular tone of voice. Doesn’t it almost make a shiver run up your spine to imagine it?

We are in contempt’s grip when we can’t think of a single good thing to say about our spouses. Our admiration decays; our respect disintegrates. And what do we all need in our relationships? Yes, love and respect. So it’s absolutely vital to avoid any temptation to express contempt.

We’ve promised to love and honor, in good times and in bad. In the heat of an argument, we are in the midst of one of those bad times. That’s when we desperately need to show our loved one honor, in order to protect our marriage.

Thoughts to watch out for: “I’ll show him;” “Two can play at this game;” “She’ll need me before I’ll need her;” or any desire to slap our partner with our words.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

1. Stop the angry retort that feels so justified; bite your tongue if you have to. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Try a gentle touch like taking his hand in yours, or break the cycle with good natured humor, or suggest you both take a break until you are cooler. But don’t ignore the issue that set off the disagreement. If you take a break, set a time when you will be ready to talk again.

The touch, humor, or break helps us calm ourselves. It stops the cycle of negativity that pulls us down during a disagreement. “She” says something that hurts him, so “he” strikes back verbally, then she escalates and hurts him worse. But if we do something to calm ourselves, we can halt the progression and reconnect.

Try to hear the fear behind the other’s attack, rather than the ugly words.

2. Another way to counteract contempt and replace negativity is to express honest admiration daily. It might be hard when contempt has blocked our awareness of the good qualities of our spouses, but remember, we all need love and respect. A simple “thank you”—for making dinner, running an errand, or taking out the garbage—can reopen communication. Better yet, a well-deserved compliment can do wonders for any of us. If we can set aside our negativity, we won’t need to look too hard for something to admire about our spouses, whether it be their appearance, their achievements at work, or the way they interact with our children.

3. Are you old enough to remember the old television quip, “The devil made me do it?” Look upon derogatory thoughts about your spouse as temptation that must be resisted. Whenever you have a negative thought, force yourself to counter it with three things you appreciate about him or her.

Sadly, if contempt is common in your relationship, your spouse may not trust your small gesture and continue to react with hostility at first, but persevere. Before long, you will be the one on the receiving end of encouragement.

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13, RSV)

Thank you investing four minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage “Love & Respect”

Thank you for visiting my new blog. My plan is to give information from psychologists and counselors on how to avoid the destructive behaviors that weaken relationships, and to offer suggestions for positive steps to enhance your marriage.

No, I don’t have a perfect marriage, and I don’t have all the answers. But I’ve studied people who have some of the answers, and I’d like to share them with you. You can decide what you agree with.

 Ladies, have you ever heard (or said) this? “My husband is like having another kid around the house!”

The words are usually accompanied by an exaggerated eye roll and followed by sympathetic nods or commiserating head shakes from the surrounding women.

 Or have our gentlemen readers ever wondered—“How many times a year do I have to get her a card to convince her I love her?”—as you mentally tally birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, and Valentine’s Day?

If relationship success could be boiled down to a bare minimum, it might be this: we want love and respect.

Most marriage problems could be improved if spouses would treat each other with love and respect. We promised on our wedding day to love and honor. If we could live up to that promise, our married lives would be much happier. But, of course, we don’t always succeed, and life is rarely that simple.

 The eye-rolling woman in the first example has forgotten to honor her husband, and regrettably, shares her disrespect with her friends. She receives their sympathy, which is what she wanted, but at a cost to her husband and her own opinion of him.

The man who is tired of remembering all the right occasions might not understand that receiving reminders of his love is reassuring to his wife, symbolizing her importance to him. When he supports Hallmark and lets the card company express what he feels (but may not know how to say), he demonstrates his love in the romantic language she craves.

 The eye-rolling woman is exhibiting criticism, one of the four behaviors that Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Psychology Department at University of Washington, believes lead to the destruction of a marriage. In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last, he calls criticism one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like the horsemen of the final book of the Bible, these four behaviors announce the beginning of the end. Practice them often enough and our relationship will die.

Ladies, Gottman also says we are the ones who usually bring this first destructive force into our relationships.

But are we just supposed to ignore our spouses’ thoughtlessness? No. When we are upset or frustrated by their behavior, it is completely fair, and even constructive, to point out our reaction. It’s fine to say, “I’m disappointed. I hoped you’d be finished with that by now so we could spend time together.” Or, “I felt taken for granted when I had to pick up your dirty clothes off the floor.” Or, “I was embarrassed when you took so long getting ready and we arrived late.”

Those are specific complaints about a specific instance. They can be productive when they are heard, and a considerate partner makes changes because of them.

They become destructive when they become criticism. When they are no longer about a specific time, but instead become: “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…” or “You SHOULD…” or when you stack up the complaints, “Not only did you leave the car in my way, you came home late, didn’t ask how my day went, and didn’t notice all that I’ve done around here.” When you complain, you are addressing one specific behavior. When you criticize, you are attacking the person.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

What are some behaviors born of criticism? Insults, name calling, put downs, and sarcasm. Their opposites show respect: affirmation, praise, and affection.

Replace criticism with simple complaints that state your feelings about one specific behavior, without blame.

1. Be generous with your compliments and signs of affection. Remember it takes 5 positive experiences to counteract one negative.

 Next post we will explore more of the destructive behaviors Dr. Gottman isolated, but here’s a sneak preview. Along with criticism, they are contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

For this week, become aware of your own behavior when you are less than respectful. Find little ways to demonstrate your love and respect.

BIBLE VERSE TO PONDER

“I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV …

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.

Thank you investing four minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti