4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Security

Welcome back to 4 of the minutes you spend for your spouse!

 Did you talk or think about the love/respect differences between men and women this week? I hope it gave you a new perspective. Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn offer more observations from the Inner Lives books.

 According to the Feldhahns’ research, men are doubly burdened. They feel a strong responsibility to provide for their families. Even in today’s world when women may contribute substantial income, men see the financial responsibility to be theirs. And not only must they provide enough income to give their families all they currently need, but also to provide a secure future: college for their children, a comfortable retirement, or money to support their family in the case of their death.

Add to that their second burden—a secret sense of inadequacy— and you may begin to understand that men are constantly stressed about their work. Many men worry about what others think of them much of the time. Though they love a new challenge, they hope they can figure it out before they are “found out” or humiliated. As confident as men may appear, most of them harbor a constant fear of being exposed as imposters.

These two burdens combine to keep many men working more hours than their wives prefer. What to a woman may seem like time spent unnecessarily away from family seems to men to be time spent insuring they do their job well and keep the job they have. Men are amazed that women don’t realize they work as hard as they do as an act of love and sacrifice for the family.

Unfortunately, another misunderstanding incites conflict between husbands and wives. Men know that women value security, and to men security means financial strength. But what women mean by security is relational strength. Women want assurance that their husbands won’t leave them. One contributor to emotional security is the sense of closeness that grows through time spent together.

A man may want to give his wife security, so he works long hours to promote job security. A woman may see this as a threat to the security of her relationship and interprets his absence as an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with her. If she encourages him to work less, he worries that he’ll be found inadequate at work and lose his job. If he continues to work extra hours, she will feel emotionally threatened.

A positive side of this mismatch is that husbands may be surprised and relieved to know that given a choice between material things and their husbands’ happiness, women will choose to do without things in order to allow their husbands to find work they love.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

Men can bring the kind of security that women really want without giving up their work:

• Small gestures convey love. Try an email, phone call, or words of appreciation.
• Be her best friend. Know each other better than anyone else.
• Make time with her a priority – Outside of traditional (40-50) work hours, don’t let anything else consistently receive more of your time and attention than she is given.
• Demonstrate your commitment – Does she know you will be there for her no matter what? (Review last week’s suggestions.)
• Participate in parenting and home life – Share the life you are working so hard to provide.

Women can ease the burdens of men’s sense of financial responsibility and secret fears of incompetence:

• Live within your means. Discuss ways to relieve financial pressure.
• Express gratitude and encouragement for your husband’s work and provision, even his extra hours.
• Reconsider conflict points about money issues in light of a new understanding of the pressure he assumes.
• Always build up your husband’s confidence, rather than criticize. Affirm him! Sadly, only 1 in 4 men in the book’s survey felt actively appreciated by his family.
• Make your home his safe haven where he isn’t judged.
• And finally, “The role of sex cannot be overstated. A great sex life will overshadow and overcome a multitude of impostor messages from the world.” Let him know he still rocks your world.

This final suggestion is from Betty, not the Feldhahns’ books. Consider giving each other the gift of the Sabbath. Reserve Sunday (or an alternate day if necessary) as a family day. Let it be a day free from financial pressures. Make memories together.

Exodus 35:2a: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD.

Thank you for demonstrating that your marriage is a priority for you by reading this entry!

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE:

            Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

            Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Spousal differences

Welcome to “4 Minutes 4 Marriage 2008!” 

Watch for “4 Minutes Before Marriage,” which will be added to this blog soon.

            And welcome back to those of you who read entries last Lent. I hope we can cover new facets of relationship enhancement. Like last year, I will refer to couples counselors and relationship specialists to share some of their findings and wisdom.

            A brief introduction, first: My husband and I have been married 30 years and have raised four great daughters. I have a certificate in Spiritual Direction and a Master of Arts in Counseling, which I use to write stories about couples working to keep the “happily” in their “ever after.” That said, let’s jump right in and use our 4 minutes well.

            As we begin this Lenten exploration of marriage, ask yourself, “What do you want your marriage to be like? Close your eyes and imagine your spouse gazing at you with that, “I can’t believe how blessed I am” expression that melts your heart. We want to always feel that blessed, but sometimes our spouse is inexplicably upset. We need to understand him or her more deeply.

            Shaunti Feldhahn set out to understand men better, particularly their inner thoughts. She asked questions of more than 1000 men and later, with her husband Jeff, probed the thoughts of more than 1000 women. They used personal interviews as well as professional surveys. The results are found in two fascinating little books, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. These books reinforce what anyone who is married knows—men and women think differently—but record some surprising findings. (Generalization alert – of course there are many exceptions to everything in the books.)

            Studying the answers of men, Shaunti found that what men want most deeply in a relationship is to be admired or respected by the woman in their life. Given a choice on the survey between feeling loved and feeling respected by their wives, most men chose respected. Being loved is not enough to them. Men need to feel respected in order to feel loved.

            This is news to women, who would (in general) choose being loved over being admired. Of course we all want both! But it becomes clearer as women read about this deep-seated need of men that our little sarcasms, our teasing in public, our seemingly insignificant put-downs devastate our men, though they would feel weak to admit it.

            In The Inner Lives of Women, what seemed obvious to me but surprising to men is that what women most deeply need in their relationships is reassurance of their man’s love. We don’t assume we are loved because we have a ring on our finger. We need to hear it often and experience it in the way we are treated. Women want to be pursued the way we were before we were married. We need to know we still “rock their world.”

            In today’s society women are bombarded by media, and sadly by friends, of stories of men leaving their wives for other women. We’ve been told men are visual and we watch ourselves become less visually beautiful as our bodies sag from childbearing, our skin surrenders to wrinkles, and our hair turns grey or thins. We are afraid we will lose the men we love. We need reassurance every day that we are still the love of their life.

            Seventy percent of women reported that they think about the health of their relationship often or every day. This astounded men. When the relationship is under stress, most women feel like nothing else is right until it is resolved. And it isn’t enough that a woman knows she is loved. If she doesn’t feel loved, she will remain insecure.

            Triggers for a woman’s insecurity include conflict, her husband’s withdrawal (the way men often respond to conflict), his silence (she may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong), absence, unresolved relationship issues, or exhaustion.

STEPS TO ENHANCEMENT:

            WOMEN: Refrain from misdirected humor at our husbands’ expense. Instead, we can give them a priceless gift. Tell them how much we really do admire and respect them. Even better, let them overhear us complimenting them to our friends and watch how they stand taller!

            Men often interpret women’s desire to control things as a sign of disrespect. What to women is simple reminding, to men comes across as criticism or distrust. They know what needs to be done, but may simply place a different level of priority on it. When women ask a question to better understand their husband’s decisions, men perceive us to be questioning their judgment. As hard as it is for today’s women who have striven to be considered equals, men need us to defer to them sometimes. They need to know that we trust their judgment, their ability to figure things out, that they don’t need us to tell them how to do things. Men are highly sensitive to disrespect, even when none was intended.

            Shaunti quotes one man, “If a man’s wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world—or at least his little corner of it.”

            MEN: Be aware of your wife’s insecurity and provide reassurance of your love. Particularly during an argument, tell her you are upset, but that you love her dearly. When you need space, silence, or time to yourself, assure her it isn’t about her. Realize, too, that when she is upset, she doesn’t need space, she needs to be hugged. When she needs to talk about your relationship, try not to be defensive. She doesn’t mean to be critical; she simply wants to problem solve in order to be closer to you.

            The deal is never done. Husbands must continue to woo the woman of their dreams, even when they think they have won her. Wives must continue to support their husbands by showing their deep-felt admiration.

            What do you think? Does any of this ring true for you? Ask your spouse if it does for him or her. It might lead to a very interesting conversation.

Betty Arrigotti

BIBLE VERSE TO PONDER:

            So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.      Ephesians 5:33

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

            Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

            Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Choose Life!

You persevered to the last 4 Minutes 4 Marriage entry of 2007! Thank you!

 In the spirit of Good Friday, when Christians commemorate Jesus’ suffering on the cross, let’s consider how we can reduce suffering in the world, beginning with the person we love the most.

An examination of conscience-

At times in a relationship we may feel justified:

1.     In considering revenge (If he can do it so can I.)

2.     Playing the victim/Nursing wounds (Poor me, no one else suffers like I do. I’ll never get over the time…)

3.     Holding on to bitterness and anger (What she said/did is unforgivable.)

4.     Shutting down (The silent treatment)

5.     Not listening with undivided attention (I don’t have time.)

6.     Attacking (The best defense is a good offense.)

7.     Turning our backs on our spouse.

8.     Focusing solely on our own desires.

9.     Using our spouse’s strengths as an excuse to ignore our weaknesses.

10. Losing hope (Why try? Maybe it’s time to move on.)

As Doctor Phil McGraw says, “Would you rather be right or happy?” Marriage isn’t a win/lose situation. It isn’t possible for one of us to win and the other lose, because then the marriage loses, so we both lose. It’s much better for us to set aside our need to win and find a way for both to feel good because then the marriage wins and both parties profit.

Let’s always give each other the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had good intentions. Maybe she didn’t mean to hurt me. Maybe he wants this marriage to be strong as much as I do; he just doesn’t know how to help it.

Alternatives for Enhancement:

For the sake of our marriage, let’s choose life!

1.     Accept that no one is perfect; we all need a second chance; we all want to be loved just the way we are.

2.     Play the hero, stand up for what we know is right and good and true, for the sake of our beloved. Forgive. Let go. Move on lovingly.

3.     At all times, treat our loved one with respect.

4.     Open up. We need to talk in order to repair damage, in order to grow from our mistakes.

5.     Our undivided attention is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

6.     See the other’s anger as a cry of fear – fear of being alone, unloved, or rejected.

7.     Turn our hearts, though wounded, back toward our beloved.

8.     Focus on regarding our spouse’s needs as important as our own, and their wishes more rewarding to fulfill than our own.

9.     Learn from our spouses’ strengths. Value their strengths enough to emulate them.

10. Believe in the endurance of love. Trust that, together with God-Who-Is-Love, we can make life better for each other.

I’ve written this entry to be only a 2 minute read.

For the next two minutes, write down reasons you love your spouse. Then give the list to your beloved, perhaps in an Easter basket, or inserted in a card, hidden under the pillow, or taped to the bathroom mirror. These might prove to be the most meaningful two minutes you’ve devoted to your marriage this Lent.

Thank you for focusing on your marriage for the past seven weeks. As our marriage strengthens, so does our family. As our families are enriched, so is our society.

I will keep your marriage in my prayers in a special way this Easter season.

 Betty Arrigotti

I continue to love you because…………