Grief and Depression

Today is a gloomy day and the weather seems fitting to focus on subjects as difficult as Grief and Depression. But grief is part of life, and depression is widespread and dangerous, and anything we can do to fight it, we should do. Maybe some of you are here because you love someone who is depressed, and you want to know how to help them. Maybe some of you have admitted to yourselves that you are depressed, and somehow found the energy to come, hoping for help. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask who’s who.

Depression has hit my family in the past. Some family members were adults. Some were children. I know how exhausting and difficult it can be to live with someone who is depressed. It might be part of why, as an adult, I went back to school to study counseling. Just a disclaimer, I’m not a professional therapist, and I can’t speak to you as well as someone who has years of counseling experience and a doctorate degree. But I can talk to you from my own experience, from the study I have done, and from a spiritual perspective.

Grief

Let’s start by talking about grief, a sense of sadness brought about from loss. We don’t reach our age without experiencing grief. As seniors, it is to be expected that we suffer losses.

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose our youth, our strength, maybe our good looks, 😉but more importantly, our dear friends, and perhaps our spouses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair.

We may downsize our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked and lived independently until she was 88, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought only two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace and without complaint.

Our society tends to discount us, rather than to value our experience and wisdom. If we’ve retired, we’ve lost some of our identity that we associated with our work. Perhaps we feel we’ve lost meaning.

We haven’t, of course. We gain our worth and our meaning and our identity from our God and our relationships. But we have experienced loss and therefore, grief. Grief is normal. It shows we’ve loved deeply and lived richly. It is part of living. Not a part we seek out, or want to experience, but a part of life.

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

Viorst writes,

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up, and giving up, and giving up, some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

Here are a few times in our lives when we had to let go, followed by what we gained by doing so:

Childhood’s End –

We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions.

The Married State –

We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go –

In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth –

Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or whom we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones –

Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality –

By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

So, there we have it. Times in our lives will hurt us. But because of that hurt we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Like my Grandma used to say as she rocked me, “This too shall pass.”

We might regain what we lost, but more likely we will grieve and hurt and then learn something along the way. We will deepen our character. The more we grow, the greater our peace and happiness can be in this life, as well as in the next.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart, to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

• Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
• Life is never the same after a loved one dies, or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
• God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
• Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, when we grieve, we should:

• Spend time in nature and prayer.
• Gather with those who are supportive.
• Share a meal with loved ones.
• Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
• Go out and serve others.

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through difficult circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our current limitations only allow us to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Necessary Losses teaches us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Of course, aging isn’t all loss and sadness. We are still learning and growing, even in our old age. Erik Erikson, in his stages of psychological development, talks about the conflicts of being this age….

What he calls Middle-aged adults, 40 to 65 years old, struggle with the conflict between Generativity vs. Stagnation. We can focus on contributing to society and guiding the next generation, or we may feel stagnant and unproductive.

Generativity involves a desire to leave a lasting legacy, guide the next generation, and contribute to society through meaningful work, mentoring, or raising children. Individuals experiencing generativity feel useful, productive, and have a sense of accomplishment in their lives. 

Stagnation, on the other hand, involves feeling unproductive, uninvolved, and disconnected from the world. Individuals experiencing stagnation may lack a sense of purpose and feel that their work or life has little impact. 

Erikson continues to talk about older adults, aged 65 and over, and how we reflect on our lives and develop a sense of integrity, wholeness and acceptance, or experience despair and regret if we are dissatisfied with our accomplishments.

Again, key aspects of this stage include:

• Reflection and Acceptance: Individuals at this stage look back on their lives and consider their accomplishments, relationships, and overall experiences. 
• Sense of Integrity: Those who feel a sense of fulfillment and pride in their lives develop ego integrity, a feeling of wholeness and acceptance of their past. 

But, if individuals feel they haven’t lived a fulfilling life or have significant regrets, they may experience despair, bitterness, and a fear of death. 

Successfully navigating this stage leads to the virtue of wisdom, a sense of completeness and understanding of life’s journey leading to a peaceful acceptance of aging and death. 

Matthew Kelly, with Allen Hunt, also talks about the importance of the last quarter of our life in their book, The Fourth Quarter of Your Life. (Which he counts as living beyond 60…) They write:

“The unavoidable truth is we are going to die. Most of us are in the last quarter of our lives. To have no regrets when death comes, use your thoughts, words, choices, and actions, to close the gap between who you are today and who you are capable of being. This is the path that leads to a deeply fulfilling fourth quarter. The shortness of life is an invitation to grasp every moment and experience it fully.

Let the young have their physical beauty. Elevate your pursuits to wisdom and soul beauty. Fill your days with wisdom, live that wisdom by aging gracefully, share that wisdom with the people who cross your path, and the beauty of your soul will shine for all to see.”

They list 5 signs of a successful 4^th quarter:

• Physically active lifestyle
• Mental stimulation
• Social engagement
• Meaning and Purpose
• Spiritual vitality

And they offer 5 keys to living and dying with no regrets:

1. Say yes to God: God invites you on a wonderful journey. When you say yes to God’s invitation, you know where you’re going.
2. Focus on a Fourth Quarter Virtue: Pursue one particular virtue that God has specifically placed in you. Then watch it blossom in all areas of your life.
3. Give. It. Away: The more you give things and yourself away, the happier you’ll be.
4. Be Open to Life: Your 4^th quarter can be more of a birthing than a dying. Be open to what can be.
5. Forgive. Often: Bitter and resentful is no way to live. And it’s definitely no way to die.

A separate word about forgiving comes from a book called Healing the Eight Stages of Life. We’ve heard about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, but the authors believe they apply to forgiveness, too.

A person usually goes through the five stages in dying, or in unconditionally forgiving any hurt.

• The first stage is denial, when we pretend it didn’t happen.
• The second stage is anger, when we blame the person out there.
• The third stage is bargaining, when we say, “I’ll forgive, only if…”
• The fourth stage is depression when we blame ourselves.
• And the fifth stage is acceptance, when we can be grateful not for the evil, but for how it has gifted us in many ways, especially in even being able to reach out to the person who hurt us.

The authors saw better results in a person moving through the stages if they had a significant person with whom they could share their feelings and be loved. In prayer, if we share these stages with Jesus and allow him to be a significant person for us, we’ll move automatically through the five stages.

Pope Francis, in a pamphlet called The Gifts of Aging, says the older generation can be:

• A bridge of wisdom for the younger generations.
• The roots of a tree that allow the young to flower and fruit.
• The source of our families’ culture and wisdom.
• A source of tenderness, especially to our children and grandchildren.
• A teacher of attentiveness to those in greatest need.
• A sharer of dreams to pass on to youth.
• An example of gratitude.
• A reminder to the next generation of what is most important.

Pope Francis adds:

• We keep memory alive to share with our young.
• We see history with clarity and pass it on.
• Our new vocation is to preserve our roots, pass on faith to the young, and care for little ones.
• Most importantly, we are prayer warriors for our families and communities.

Ok, that was a lot about grief, followed by the positive side of this time of life. How is grief different than depression?

Grief and depression can share some overlapping symptoms, such as sadness and loss of interest, but they are distinct experiences. Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and other symptoms. Grief typically comes in waves and may be interspersed with positive memories, whereas depression tends to be more constant and debilitating. Furthermore, grief often involves a sense of loss and uncertainty, while depression can involve low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. 

• Grief is a normal response to loss, while depression is a psychological disorder. 
• Grief is a process that can fluctuate over time, while depression tends to be more persistent. 
• Grief may be intense but can be interspersed with periods of normalcy, while depression is more pervasive and debilitating. 
• Grief often preserves self-esteem, while depression is often associated with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. 
• Grief is centered on the loss and the relationship with the deceased, while depression is more personal and can involve a wide range of negative thoughts and feelings. 

• Depression can sometimes be a complication of grief, especially if the grieving process is prolonged or complicated. 
• If either grief or depression symptoms persist or significantly interfere with daily life, seeking professional help may be necessary. 

Again, if we accept that aging brings loss and loss brings grief, grief is a normal part of our experience.

Depression is not. Depression isn’t normal or healthy or something just to accept. Depression is abnormal. It is destructive and unnecessary and something to be fought against and worked through, not just for ourselves, but for our loved ones. Depression affects everyone who cares for the sufferer. (Read 2x)

What is depression?

Depression is a common mental disorder characterized by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, and other symptoms that can affect daily life. It’s more than just feeling sad; it’s a serious condition that can impact a person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and overall well-being. Depression is treatable, and a combination of therapy and medication can help individuals recover.

Researchers have discovered a link between depression and other serious illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer, thyroid disease, and Parkinson’s disease. A complete physical and lab work may be an essential part of the diagnostic assessment for clinical depression

Let’s talk first about the most commonly experienced type of depression that I’m going to call overt depression.

Some of the most common signs and symptoms of overt depression are:

• Feelings of sadness, guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Irritability or restlessness
• Loss of interest in or enjoyment of activities or relationships previously enjoyed

• Change in appetite, often resulting in over- or under-eating
• Low energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• And sadly, Thoughts of suicide

What does it look like? Different people express their depression in different ways.

• Sadness
• Anger
• Lack of emotion
• Lack of energy
• Hopelessness even to the point of suicidal ideation

What causes it?

• Brain chemical imbalance which can be brought on by…
• Prolonged stress
• Catastrophic events
• Some medical conditions
• Sleep disorders
• Genetic predisposition

Those are the typical descriptions of overt depression.

But some depression, in fact in men, possibly most depression, can be covert. Instead of observing the person’s sadness, we may instead see anger, or violence, or addiction. In our society, men are often raised to separate themselves from what might be considered “feminine” behaviors or feelings.

A book called, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by family counselor Terrence Real, talks about men and how being raised in our society can damage men from the time they are little boys. They are supposed to distance themselves from their mothers, who have been their source of love and safety until they are three or four. Then, suddenly, they’re made to feel weak if they want to be with them or if they look for their mom’s attention. Their dads, if they are around, may try to teach them they’re supposed to be tough and strong and not have feelings.

Boys are discouraged from expressing their pain. They are supposed to endure it, or ignore it. And they are supposed to be strong enough to deal with troubles on their own, without help. At least, those are the messages many boys take in. They aren’t encouraged or shown how to express or discuss feelings like shame. So, they bury it. Or they compensate for it with aggression or addiction. And even more sadly, they often pass on their depression to their sons.

Unfortunately, according to this book, young men might succeed at stuffing feelings down until they don’t even know they’re there. Then they become adults, and two things happen. On the one hand, women suddenly want them to be in touch with feelings that they’ve disowned for twenty some years. On the other, the only feeling some seem to be able to pull out in times of stress is anger. It’s as if they traded all the range of emotions—from tenderness and love to frustration and fear. They traded them all away and are only left with anger.

Depression in men often goes unrecognized because they don’t demonstrate the obvious deep sadness that overt depression expresses. Covert depression can be well hidden for years, but at a cost. A man who has experienced his own father’s depression can grow up with a sense of shame that he works valiantly to hide. He can’t face the pain of a traumatic or neglected childhood, so he masks it.

Unfortunately, often that shame is covered up by means of self-medicating, like through alcohol or drugs. He uses a substance or an experience to numb the pain. He might use a different addiction, like sex or violence, work or food, or lose himself in TV or video games. These crutches keep him from feeling, but they also keep him from loving and from intimacy. If they lose their crutch of choice, say they work to become sober, without the addiction crutch they begin to feel the pain of their past, and usually they’ll find another way to avoid the pain. Such men need a dual diagnosis of addiction and depression. They need to end the addiction before they can work on the depression, and ending the addiction takes away the defenses that kept the pain at bay.

Men who don’t know how to deal with the trauma of a childhood of neglect or violence, often compensate, or over-compensate, for the shame they can’t let themselves feel, by finding a way to become grandiose. They’ll become overachievers, or bullies, or find ways to prove themselves better than others, but are unable to connect to people who love them, or even to connect to their inner selves.

So, what’s the answer for them? Terrance Real, believes that the way out of depression is through grief. They may have to feel the pain and confront it and begin to process their painful experiences in order to heal. They’ll need a professional to help them through the process.

There are, however, things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who are suffering from depression.

With either covert or overt depression, Self-help strategies for fighting depression for sufferers and loved ones include:

Physical strategies

             Exercise – movement raises our endorphins.

             Time Outdoors in fresh air

Diet – healthier eating

             More regular sleep schedules can help

Social strategies

• Social support of family and friends or a trusted minister –
• People who are depressed or grieving need someone who they can talk to who isn’t judgmental, who they feel safe with. It might help to have someone to exercise with so that they are accountable, making it harder to skip. At one point, my daughter and I set aside a time each evening for us to walk and let her talk about her sadness. She knew she would be heard and could wait until then. I think it put parameters around her feelings.
• (If you don’t feel like you have social support, maybe attend the Senior Luncheon – there’s nice people and good food!)

Spiritual strategies include

             Meditation, prayer, calming exercises

             Plus, we all need to foster a “Gratitude Attitude” and count our blessings.

It sounds simple, right? Just exercise more, get outdoors, eat well, sleep well, find friends to talk to, pray more, concentrate on feeling grateful. We know all these things will definitely be helpful, but….

             Sadly, Depression steals away our energy and self-discipline and makes it very difficult for a sufferer to force him or herself to take advantage of these self-help strategies.

If it were just up to the sufferers, and if they were just trying to benefit themselves, depression’s lack of energy might make it seem nearly impossible. But if the person can realize that their efforts benefit their families and their loved ones, they might find the determination to become superheroes and step up to the challenge. What they can’t do for themselves, they may be able to do for their loved ones, for the next generation, or for their God. Even the sufferers whose depression is rooted in their childhood, can break the chain so that they don’t pass it on to their children or grandchildren.

If the depressed person has tried self-help strategies and hasn’t been able to keep them up, or if they haven’t helped, it’s time for professional help. Maybe you’ve nagged and encouraged and cajoled someone who is depressed to no avail.

Or maybe that loved one has had thoughts or signs of self-harm, then it is definitely time for professional help.

You need professional help when

• A severely depressed person has progressed to the point of being suicidal. If you or your loved one is having thoughts of self harm. If you imagine yourself stepping out into traffic..
• if they talk about the world being better off without them,
• if they begin to give away their prized possessions,
• or talk about death…

…it is critical that they get professional help. Suicide is an all-too-common risk of depression. Thoughts of self-harm, especially if the person begins forming a plan, are an emergency and the person should be taken to a hospital.

But here’s the good news, depression is very treatable! Professional strategies will include talk therapy , such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where a therapist will help you explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They’ll encourage you to challenge the validity of your thoughts, overcoming negative thinking and facing your fears. Does everyone really dislike you? Are you really bad at everything? Are you really worthless? Helpless? Hopeless? Then new thoughts can bring about new feelings and behavior.

Professional strategies may possibly include medication. There are many antidepressants today, and even if the first one tried doesn’t work, or has unpleasant side effects, there are many more options. (One of my family members needed to try two. One tried 12, but the 12^th worked wonders!)

There should be no shame in getting the treatment that our bodies need. We wouldn’t refuse insulin if we were diabetic. Medication, combined with professional therapy, can make a huge difference and can release people from the prison of their sadness, helping them to become the best version of themselves.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has helped. I hope you persevere until you find help.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deathor mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Rev 21:4

Resources

• Hotline (911 or 988) https://988lifeline.org/  suicide and crisis hotline

• Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families  https://adultchildren.org/
• https://al-anon.org  For families and friends of alcoholics
• https://www.oregon.gov/oha/HSD/AMH/Pages/Mental-Health.aspx  (Oregon gov site)
• www.mentalhealthcenters.net  Oregon  – Mental Health Services – Mental Health Centers
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Oregon namior.org   For support, contact 503-230-8009 or namioregon@namior.org.
• Hospitals
• Ministers

Medicare covers many mental health services to support you, including depression screenings, individual and group therapy, and family counseling. You may be able to get mental health counseling and treatment, including addiction recovery, from home via telehealth.

Books I referred to:

Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart by Marilyn Willett Heavilin

What Pope Francis Says About the Gifts of Aging: 30 Days of Reflections and Prayers, pamphlet by Deborah McCann

The Fourth Quarter of Your Life, by Matthew Kelly and Allen Hunt

Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst

I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by Terrence Real

Healing the Eight Stages of Life, by Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks, by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD

The Gift of Holy Saturday

Have you ever asked yourself what Holy Saturday is all about? We know the gift of Good Friday – that Jesus suffered and died for us so that we can experience forgiveness now and joy with Him in Heaven. And we understand the gift of Easter – that Jesus rose from the dead, and in so doing, conquered death’s hold over us so that we might rise again, too.

So, what is the gift of Holy Saturday?

Imagine what the disciples must have felt like on Saturday. Surely on Friday they were numb and couldn’t believe what had happened. But Saturday came and they had to admit Jesus had died. All their hopes for a better life must have died with Him. Jesus—who was so charismatic, so good, so filled with potential, who was going to lead them into a new kingdom—had agonized and then breathed His last on the cross.

Think of the women who followed Him and hadn’t been able to embalm His body on Friday. Now on Saturday they were not allowed to do so because of the Sabbath. So, they were left with no way to show Him their devotion, no opportunity to pay tribute to His body. No work to distract themselves from their loss.

I’ve been there, haven’t you? When all your hopes have been destroyed and you realize your dreams will not be realized. Perhaps when someone you love has died? It takes time to process your loss. Your mind doesn’t want to accept the pain and pushes it away in denial. We want to blame someone, and often God takes the brunt of our anger. We are where Lazarus’ sister was when she said, “Lord, if you had been here our brother wouldn’t have died!” We are where Jesus was when He said, “Father, why have You abandoned me?”

Yet, at some point in your Holy Saturday experience, you realize a phase of your life is over, and you must bear the loss and go on.

I think the gift of Holy Saturday is that even when we are at our lowest, and everything seems hopeless, and even when we can’t feel God is near, He is. When we are in that dark pit, alone and desolate and frightened, He is there. When we are “going through Hell,” we can know the Son of God has been there, too. There is no depth we can sink to, where He hasn’t been.

Jesus taught us how to make it through the Holy Saturday loss when, though He felt abandoned, He said, “Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit.” He showed us God still exists, even when we can’t feel Him, and we can trust and place ourselves in His hands.

Yes, He could have risen on Saturday morning. Yes, He could give us everything we want right when we want it. But then we wouldn’t be given the gift of being able to say, “God, I can’t feel You here. I can’t understand what has happened. I’d give anything to change it, and I don’t know why You allowed it. Still, I believe in You. I know, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, You love me. And I know you are all powerful. So even if I can’t have what I want, I trust You that you know what I need, and You want to shower me with goodness.”

It takes time to get to the point of being able to say this and mean it, all while enduring intense pain. But that’s the gift of Saturday, Time. And because we now know that Jesus did rise and our God isn’t dead, the gift of Saturday is Hope. Because of that Saturday and what happened next, we now can trust that a Sunday will come and with it, the resurrection of all that is good.

Now as Lent draws to an end and we prepare to celebrate Easter, this celebration of new life, let’s resolve to choose life.

Choose gratitude, rather than complaints.

Choose simplicity over materialism and complexity.

Choose relaxation and renewal over busyness.

Choose trust, rather than insecurity.

Choose service, rather than meaningless pursuits.

Choose life!

Choose love!

May all your Saturdays of Despair be followed by Sundays of Life! And may your choices lead you to Joy!

Necessary Losses

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.” Our life, our growth could be seen as a progression of letting go.

She writes:

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up and giving up and giving up some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

We should understand how these losses are linked to our gains.

For in leaving the blurred-boundary bliss of mother-child oneness, we become a conscious, unique and separate self, exchanging the illusion of absolute shelter and absolute safety for the triumphant anxieties of standing alone.

And in bowing to the forbidden and the impossible, we become a moral, responsible, adult self, discovering—within the limitations imposed by necessity—our freedoms and choices.

And in giving up our impossible expectations, we become a lovingly connected self, renouncing ideal visions of perfect friendship, marriage, children, family life for the sweet imperfections of all-too-human relationships.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we must give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

Viorst lists times in our lives when we must let go, followed by what we will gain by doing so:

Childhood’s End – We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions. We don’t blame our current lives on our childhood.

The Married State – We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go – In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth – Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or who we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones – Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality – By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

When we are children, we tend to strive to achieve the next level of growth. My granddaughter has just begun to walk and now her day is spent standing up and down, climbing up and down, daring herself to toddle farther, always strengthening newly controlled muscles and determined to achieve even more.

For some reason, as adults, we hold tighter to what we have achieved and need longer periods of stability before and if we progress again. Sometimes we would refuse to progress if the option were given to us. We know God wants us to become the best we can, which means continually growing, improving, and fighting our weaknesses. Yet, we fear the unknown, grow comfortable with the present, and hold tightly to what we treasure. (Wouldn’t it be better if, instead of collecting treasures, we shared ourselves?)

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. Many of us will lose our spouses, as well as dear friends. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, while possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair. We may downsize our house, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked until she was 86, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace. She doesn’t even complain now when Covid keeps her homebound, and she can no longer go to church in person.

Life will hurt us, but because of our wounds, we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Perhaps this process of letting go, if done well, makes room for God.

Being alive means we will suffer loss. But the loss will open us to new possibilities. Jesus lost his life, but by doing so, regained for us the Kingdom of God. He rose to new life so that we will, too. In that life, there will be no loss.

Blessings on you and on your week!

Betty Arrigotti.

Gratitude Attitude & Grandma’s Platitudes

When I first began writing fiction, I was told I didn’t include enough conflict in my stories. As a mother of four, I spent much of my day trying to reduce conflict. Eventually I realized that people identify with a story when the protagonists, through the trouble that comes their way, learn to face their weaknesses and grow enough to overcome their darkest moments and (ta-da!) save the day.

Real life isn’t too different from stories in that respect. It is through our hard times that we develop character. We’d rather not suffer. We’d like to avoid all pain, for ourselves and our loved ones, but we wouldn’t learn and grow without challenges.

In most of my 4 Minutes emails I give information that professionals have researched and advised, but today, I am turning to another kind of expert. Our grandparents have lived through their share of difficult times, and we can learn from their hard-won wisdom. So, I’m falling back on some of Grandma’s platitudes.

As a child when I’d complain, (okay, when I’d whiiiiine) Grandma would remind me, “Be thankful for what you have!” What is the best (and perhaps hardest) thing to do when times are very difficult? Choose a gratitude attitude.

• I may not have as much money as I want, but thank you, God, that I have enough for today. (And enough that I can share with those who have less?)
• I may feel desperately lonely, but thank you, God, for loving me always. (And for all the people who have loved me.)
• I may not be as healthy as I was, but thank you, God, that I can breathe. (If I can do more, like see/hear/walk/move, I am blessed indeed).
• I may be confused about my future, but thank you, God, that I can think. (And pray and analyze and read and make decisions.)
• I may feel stressed to the point of breaking, but thank you, God, that you know and care and want me to rest in you.

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Grandma would also say, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is a little hard to take, especially when you’re the one in crisis and the person quoting it isn’t. Actually, at some point a crisis really might kill us, so this scarcely seems comforting. However, it is true that hard times force us to grow and become tougher than we were when times were easy.

I remember crying on my Grandma’s lap. As she rocked me, she would remind me, “This too shall pass.” Or she might quote one of her favorite prayers: “Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Neibuhr (When she learned AA uses this prayer, she was mortified to think someone might suppose she learned it there.)

Along with working to change what we can, she’d say we must “Pray as though everything depends on God and work as though everything depends on you.” Grandma had total faith in God, as well as a work ethic that kept her from waiting for an answer without doing her part. God will help us. Sometimes, rather than taking away our pain, He will give us the inner resources we need to succeed despite the pain. Or He will send us help. Are we trying to get through this time all alone? Reaching out to others may be part of “working as if everything depended on us.” Allowing someone who is not in crisis to help can be a gift to them, for they receive the blessings and joy of service.

It is especially difficult to bring calm to a situation when someone is angry with you, particularly someone you care for deeply. My Grandma used to say, “When people are the hardest to love, is when they need love the most.” (I tried to tell myself this when my daughters were mid-temper tantrum.) My first reaction to someone being angry at me is to be angry in return. Of course, that doesn’t accomplish much. Rather than the very human response of defensiveness, or worse, going on the offense, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for patience, and then remind yourself how much you love this person. Or if you aren’t feeling very loving at the moment, try to remind yourself how much God loves this person. 

Another way Grandma would counsel me to deal with critical people would be to say, “Consider the source.” She meant, is it really that important what they think? Does their life experience color their opinion? Are they the right people to rely on for judgment?

One thing we can count on—we will be given “opportunities for growth.” Life will be hard and sometimes all we can control is our reaction and our attitude. But therein lies our strength.

The final quote I leave with you is not from Grandma, but rather from God himself:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Rest in God for 15 seconds. Close your eyes. Breathe in your thanks and breathe out your fears. Then either hug or say a prayer for your grandma!

Blessings on your week.

Betty Arrigotti

PS – Other posts about “Hard Times” can be found at www.BettyArrigotti.com. See the links in the column on the right edge of the home page.

The Top Twelve Things about Life that I’ve Learned from Writing Fiction

Last Saturday, Beta Sigma Phi, the international women’s social, cultural and service organization, invited me to speak at their regional meeting. We had a great time together and I met very impressive women. Here is part of the talk I gave:

 

1. People need to connect emotionally. A writer, to be successful, needs to connect with her readers through the emotions she creates on the page. We, as women, are usually much more aware of the need to interact emotionally with people, than many men who sadly have been taught to focus on productivity rather than relationships.

2. Everyone needs some creativity in their lives. For me writing is therapeutic. For others it might be painting or singing, drama or woodwork. We adults need to play! By trying our hand at creativity, we discover that we can keep learning and improving as we go. Without play we can become dull and mechanical. And we won’t have the imagination to see what we could be, if we try something new.

 3. You can’t make someone like you, or what you write, or even make them read what you write. My oldest daughter can’t bring herself to read my novels because she’s afraid there will be sex in them. No one wants to connect their mother and sex in the same thought. I may have been a little devious lately when my husband drove our daughter and me to Seattle. I read novel # 3 aloud and she was forced to listen the whole way. I have to admit, she could have put on her headphones and listened to music, but she didn’t. She says she tried the door but the child safety locks were on.

4. We all hate to leave our comfort zones. Novels often open with a glimpse of the ordinary life and its challenges. Then some event or person disrupts that life or causes the hero or heroine to have to leave it behind. Our current life starts looking pretty good to us when it is proposed to us we need to change it in order to accomplish some good.

In my first novel, Hope and a Future, poor Colm, who is terrified of flying, must leave Ireland for a temporary teaching position in Portland. Otherwise he would never meet Marjorie!

We all hate to leave our comfort zones. But if no one did, even when it becomes very uncomfortable, we wouldn’t make this world a better place.

5. We are all on a quest. Our life story is written day-by-day as we work toward becoming the best version of ourselves. So is everyone else’s, so it makes sense to sometimes be the subplot friend who helps accomplish someone else’s goal. You never know, you might even be making progress on your goal at the same time. But despite setbacks and detours, we need to keep making progress toward our goal.

6. We need friends to help us along the way. Think of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter. Or any 70s sitcom, for that matter. Think of your friends. Without friends, the mission would be doomed.

7. We all have flaws that keep us from being the hero we’d like to be, or doing the deeds that we’d like to accomplish. I struggle with introversion and so I don’t reach out to others as much as I wish I did. Some main characters are proud, or distrustful, or lack self-confidence, or courage. They must overcome their flaws to achieve their goals.

In Hope and a Future, my heroine Marjorie lost her husband of 25 years in a car accident. Her guilt over the failings in her marriage keep her from being open to any new love in her life. Her Irish hero-to-be, Colm, has so many phobias that he lives a very limited life, at least until he starts facing his fears one at a time.

Our weaknesses often are what bring us to growth, when we face them and steadily overcome them, or … at least beat them into submission for a time.

Our flaws, on their flip sides, can be also our gifts. One stubborn daughter is also tenacious and has persevered her way into being a successful engineer. One overly quiet, watchful child grew up and turned her deep thoughts into great academic success, and avoided many common pitfalls by observing and avoiding her friends’ mistakes. One daughter as a teen declared she wasn’t going to work too hard for A’s anymore because she was tired of being a Goody Two Shoes. Now as a school counselor, she has a special connection with the type of students who tend to fall through the cracks.

8. Sometimes going home is extremely challenging. Remember fearful Colm from book 1? He is terrified of horses, and grew up on a horse ranch. In the sequel book 2, Where Hope Leads, his father wants him to come home and take over the business. The poor guy must fly back to Ireland but suffers a panic attack, missing his plane. Going home can be an ordeal.

In book 3, When the Vow Breaks, Kay left an abusive father behind when she fled Montana and moved to Spokane. Now her mother and father need her to return to take care of them. She really doesn’t want to go.

But going home can teach us a lot about ourselves. We all need to look back on our childhood with the eyes of an adult, with the advantage of some time and distance between us and what happened in our families. Sometimes, we can mend hearts that were broken and reconnect to people we truly love deep down.

9. Conflict is good. Our struggles help us to grow so we can overcome that main character flaw that keeps us from succeeding. We fight, we fail, we learn from our mistakes and the next time we get closer before we fail again. But each struggle brings us more information and calls out a better self than we were before. Each attempt, whether a success or failure, leads us closer to our goal.

You might say, “That’s fine for a character in fiction. A good story has to have conflict. In fact, one of the most common errors of new writers is being too easy on their characters. As a mom, I spent 25 years of my life trying to limit, solve, resolve or forbid conflict. I’m not sure I’m done yet. My poor characters, on the other hand, are subject to me increasing, enhancing, and in general bringing all sorts of unpleasant conflict into their lives.

Looking back as a mom, I see how the struggles my children had in their young lives taught them lessons that continue to serve them well in life. One daughter has Tourette Syndrome and had to learn interdependence to make it through. She is just as willing to help as to ask for help and, after working as a special education teacher for several years, is now a mother of two and is back at school working toward a Physical Therapy doctorate. Her personal experience with special needs has made her tender heart want to reach out to help those who struggle to meet goals that are easy for others. Conflict is good.

10. We are often drawn to our opposites. In romance writing, the hero and heroine can be so different that they are at first repelled by each other like opposing magnets. In fact, you can predict the end of a romantic comedy by seeing which man and woman dislike each other the most at the beginning. Consider Mary and Matthew in Downton Abbey. Or Pride and Prejudice’s Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Somewhere along the way in most romances, the magnetic field flips and the attraction becomes powerful.

Like good romance heroes and heroines, in real life, we are often drawn to our opposites. I think this is because we are meant to learn from our “soul mates” so that their strengths teach us to overcome our weaknesses. We are meant to learn from each other, but we tend instead to polarize and become more extreme in our strengths and weaknesses. The emotional spouse takes over all feeling while the rational spouse takes care of business. Or the introvert becomes overwhelmed by the extrovert, and rather than learn to enjoy a little more socializing, becomes even more protective of privacy. Perhaps the responsible person watches the fun-loving date become an irresponsible spouse and resents him, rather than learning to lighten up a bit and helping the other grow.

In When the Vow Breaks, independent Kay eloped with compliant Wade on graduation night. When they returned home, peace loving Wade agreed to an annulment to appease his mother, thinking it was only temporary. Heart-broken and angry, Kay fled home planning to never return … but then later found out she was pregnant… with twins. (That’s the cruel writer heaping conflict on her poor characters.) But if Wade had learned some independence from Kay, or Kay some peace keeping from Wade, well… it would have been a much shorter, duller novel. As it is, the novel actually starts 18 years later when their twins have just left home.

 

11. We need to use what we’ve gained to help others. At the end of any great quest, the heroine should bring back what she learned, or accomplished, or attained, in order to improve the lives of the people she left behind. In The Lord of the Rings the quest brings peace back to the Hobbit’s Shire. Harry Potter, in every book of the series, makes the world a safer place for wizards and muggles alike. In my sequel to the first novel, Where Hope Leads, Marjorie and Colm both want the other to relocate to their homeland. Marjorie hopes Colm will stay in Portland, and he hopes she will fall in love with Ireland. I won’t tell you who wins, but I can assure you that by the end of the book they’ve grown enough to consider the needs of others as important as their own. When they are willing to be open to God’s leading, they find a way to help their version of the Shire.

And finally…

12. We want satisfying endings, and usually in books, though not always, that means happy ones. Daughter 3 once was so upset when a favorite character died, she threw her book in the freezer to punish it. I think we’ve all gotten to the end of a book or a movie and thought, “No, that’s not the right ending!” We feel like we’ve been cheated. We invested hours in reading or $15 at the theater, and we aren’t satisfied. Sometimes I wonder what God thinks as we move away from the direction he wanted us to head. I imagine he might like to throw us into the freezer for a while. Which might explain me growing up through Montana winters!

I suspect that when our time on this earth is over, we will look back and be satisfied with our lives if we’ve done something meaningful, if we’ve improved this world, either by making it more beautiful, or helping others, or by the wonderful children we’ve raised.

So, to sum up, the truths I’ve learned while writing fiction:

• Relationships are deepened through sharing emotion. Don’t be afraid to love, laugh, enjoy, but also to cry, grieve, and let anger inspire you to positive action.
• Expressing creativity sets us apart as human and is necessary for happiness.
• We can’t make people like us. That’s ok. It’s more important to like ourselves.
• No one wants to leave their comfort zone, but wombs get tight, and we can’t grow unless we do.
• Friends make the road seem easier and help us make it through our journey.
• We will all have challenges. They make life interesting, and as difficult and even devastating as they can be, they help us grow.
• We are meant to learn from our loved ones how to grow stronger in our weak spots, not how to avoid growing. If both people continue to grow throughout their journey, the travel is sweet indeed.
• We each have a quest that only we can achieve. To succeed we need to face our flaws and fears and grow through them.
• Then we need to bring back what we learned for the good of others—
• So that we can have a satisfying ending.

 

Wishing you all successful quests and meaningful lives.

Recognizing Relationship Danger Signals

Last week we discussed differentiating true fear from anxiety and worry. Sadly, sometimes people get so used to true fear that they ignore it. In The Gift of Fear, author Gavin de Becker writes, “People who ignore their intuition, their mind and body’s warnings of danger, either through self-doubt or groomed desensitization, can find themselves in very imminent risk of harm or death.”

You may know people in difficult relationships or be in one yourself, and with de Becker’s permission to quote directly, I include his list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence or murders. Perhaps it will help you to help yourself (or someone you love) recognize an unsafe situation, take control of your life, and leave safely. Or maybe a controlling person may recognize himself and seek help before it is too late. (Note that sometimes the genders in these warnings can be reversed.)

“The signals won’t all be present in every case, but if a situation has several of these signals, there is reason for concern.”

1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger. He uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.)
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse effects (memory loss, hostility, cruelty).
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct. (“That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk I was crazy.”)
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery.)
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior (including vandalism, breaking things, throwing things.)
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship; he keeps her on a “tight leash,” requires her to account for her time.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like “together for life, “always,” or “no matter what.”
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife’s friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him. He believes that those around his wife/partner dislike him and encourage her to leave him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fiction or history. He characterizes the violence of others as justified.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making; he refuses to take responsibility for the results of his actions.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses “male privilege” as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servant, makes all the big decisions, acts like the “master of the house.”)
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has made plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for children.)

“With this list and all you know about intuition and prediction, you can now help prevent America’s most predictable murders. Literally. Refer the woman to a battered women’s shelter, if for nothing else than to speak to someone who knows about what she is facing, in her life and in herself. Refer the man to a battered women’s shelter; they will be able to suggest programs for him. When there is violence, report it to police.”

One may ask why a person has stayed in an abusive relationship. De Becker writes:

“Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains out of the victim the instinctive reaction to protect the self. To override the most natural and central instinct, a person must come to believe that he or she is not worth protecting. Being beaten by a “loved one” sets up a conflict between two instincts that should never compete: the instinct to stay in a secure environment (the family) and the instinct to flee a dangerous environment. […] The instinct to stay prevails in the absence of concrete options on the other side.”

Sometimes people who won’t leave for themselves can be convinced to leave for their children’s sake. However, leaving must be done carefully and with advanced planning, if at all possible, because women are most in danger while, or right after, trying to leave. Women’s shelters can give the best advice.

Violence in relationships is widespread. In today’s Oregonian, Amy Wang writes that 20% of teenage girls who date say they have been victims of violence in their relationships. This could be you, your daughter, or granddaughter. Know the signs. Find help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)  or www.thehotline.org

Dating Abuse and Domestic Violence – “loveisrespect” – call 1-866-331-9474 (24/7) or text loveis to 22522

 

Single Parent Families

Welcome back to our 4 minute focus on building strong families!

One chapter in Building Christian Families by Mitch and Kathy Finley deals particularly with single parent families. If you are, or have been, part of a single parent family you will recognize the truth in what they write. If you are blessed to be part of a two-parent family, please read this anyway in order to build empathy for the special challenges you have been spared and perhaps to consider helping struggling families.

The single parent family is a true family and a legitimate form of home-church. Let’s follow the example we see throughout the Bible as God shows a soft spot in his heart for “widows and orphans,” or any family who needs extra consideration.

We all have our limits, and it’s only realistic to accept them. However, single parent families have special challenges we should be sensitive to:

• Both parent and children have gone through painful disruptions, whether because of abandonment, divorce, or death. Sources of income must be developed, a move to a new house or apartment may be necessary, and children might need to attend different schools. The grieving process may continue for many months, or even years.
• Parent-child relationships must be redesigned. A non-custodial parent may struggle to pay child support, worry about religious upbringing, have more time to be depressed, or feel acute loneliness.
• While couple parent families sometimes deal with the temptation to leave the main responsibility for parenting to the other spouse, the custodial single parent responds to the demands of children all day long and does it alone.
• Where a widowed parent may be looked upon by the wider community as courageous, others often view the divorced parent with suspicion or judgment. In some worship communities, the single parent who is divorced often feels shunned, ignored, even subtly ostracized. Yet divorced single parents have a deep desire to belong, to be a part of their church community.
• Single parents worry that their children will never have witnessed a normal man/woman, husband/wife loving relationship.
• Single parents must often deal with two particular temptations: the temptation to self-pity and to resentment.
• Many single parent families experience degrees of fear and anxiety that the typical couple-parent family does not usually know with such intensity. Financial anxieties may head the list, but a vague, undefined fear of what the future may bring is not far behind. The single parent is unable to share these fears and anxieties with another intimately known adult. She or he lives with these feelings constantly, so the fear tends to compound itself.
• In the two parent family, it is crucial for spouses to spend time regularly on themselves and on their friendship as a couple. It is equally important for the single parent to carve out of the week a few hours for leisure and, now and then, for prayerful reflection.
• The single parent often finds it necessary to struggle against the tendency to become isolated. Single parents have a need for sympathetic friends and for warm relationships with two-parent families. Single parents often need little more than a sympathetic listener, and they can frequently find this by forming friendships with other single parents and hopefully, by membership in church groups.

 

On the other hand, single parents may have some advantages over couple parents.

• They build strength as survivors, even though both parent and children have known much anguish.
• Children of single parent families are sometimes more mature than many of their peers from two-parent families. They have, of necessity, been trusted with significant responsibilities at home.
• Single parents may be more free to lead their children in their chosen faith life. In two-parent families, value conflicts which relate to the spiritual life of the family sometimes develop between husband and wife.

Single parents are like all parents:

• No parent or set of parents can give children everything they should ideally have.
• Most parents today often feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with their kids.
• All families know insecurity.
• All parents are called to conversion of heart and life, to trust God above all, to turn away from fear and anxiety as motives for action, to love God and others as the source of life’s meaning and purpose. Parents are called to do this even in the midst of meaninglessness and the temptation to despair. This is true faith, in the real world.
• All parents need other parents to simply commiserate with, to talk to and share their burdens and joys. We should never underestimate the value of honest talking and listening among peers, for it is a terrifically valuable service that all church communities should offer to parents.

 

Finleys remind us that a basic principle for all parents’ spirituality is to “keep on keeping on.” May God help all of us, married and single to persevere in our effort to parent well.

 

 

 

What is Holy Saturday all about?

Have you ever asked yourself what Holy Saturday is all about? We know the gift of Good Friday – that Jesus suffered and died for us so that we can experience forgiveness now and joy with Him in Heaven. And we understand the gift of Easter – that Jesus rose from the dead, and so doing, conquered death’s hold over us so that we might rise again, too.

So what is the gift of Holy Saturday?

Imagine what the disciples must have felt like on Saturday. Surely on Friday they were numb and couldn’t believe what had happened. But Saturday came and they had to admit Jesus had died. All their hopes for a better life must have died with him. Jesus—who was so charismatic, so good, so filled with potential, who was going to lead them into a new kingdom—had agonized and then breathed his last on the cross.

Think of the women who followed him and hadn’t been able to embalm his body on Friday. Now on Saturday they were not allowed to do so because of the Sabbath. So they were left with no way to show him their devotion, no opportunity to pay tribute to his body. No work to distract themselves from their loss.

 

I’ve been there, haven’t you? When all your hopes have been destroyed and you realize your dreams will not be realized. Perhaps when someone you love dies? It takes time to process your loss. Your mind doesn’t want to accept the pain and pushes it away in denial. We want to blame someone and often God takes the brunt of our anger. We are where Lazarus’ sister was when she said, “Lord, if you had been here our brother wouldn’t have died!” We are where Jesus was when he said, “Father, why have you abandoned me?”

But at some point in this Saturday experience, you realize a phase of your life is over and you must bear the loss and go on.

I think the gift of Holy Saturday is that even when we are at our lowest, and everything seems hopeless, and even when we can’t feel God is near, he is. When we are in that dark pit, alone and desolate and frightened, he is there. When we are “going through Hell,” we can know the Son of God has been there, too. There is nowhere we can go where he hasn’t been.

Jesus taught us how to make it through the Holy Saturday loss when, though he felt abandoned, he said, “Father, into your hands I commend my Spirit.” He showed us God still exists, even when we can’t feel him, and we can trust and place ourselves in his hands.

Yes, he could have risen on Saturday morning. Yes, he could give us everything we want right when we want it. But then we wouldn’t be given the gift of being able to say, “God, I can’t feel you here. I can’t understand what has happened. I’d give anything to change it and I don’t know why you allowed it. Still, I believe in you. I know, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, you love me. And I know you are all powerful. So even if I can’t have what I want, I trust you that you know what I need, and you want to shower me with goodness.”

It takes time to get to the point of being able to say this and mean it, all while enduring intense pain. But that’s the gift of Saturday, Time. And because we now know that Jesus did rise and our God isn’t dead, the gift of Saturday is Hope. Because of that Saturday and what happened next we now can trust that a Sunday will come and with it, the resurrection of all that is good.

May all your Saturdays of Despair be followed by Sundays of Life!

 

Healing After a Miscarriage

Five Steps Toward Healing After a Miscarriage

            “I’m sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat.” I was five months pregnant and the ultrasound technician confirmed my fear; a fourth son or daughter had died before I could cradle the baby in my arms. As I dressed, I heard a doctor talking about the ultrasound patient before me who, upon learning she was expecting twins, had told him she would end the pregnancy.

            In tears, I returned to my doctor who said to expect a spontaneous miscarriage, or—as he called it—abortion, within a few days. When my body continued to embrace its precious treasure, he scheduled me for a TAP, or therapeutic abortion procedure.

            I reeled through the process, so routine for the nurses and doctors who ended pregnancies every day, but so devastating to me. I wanted to proclaim to each of the medical personnel that I was different; I would never choose this course of action if my baby were alive. One kind woman brought me a general surgery consent form so that I wouldn’t have to sign the usual document. The hospital kept me overnight for observation—in the maternity wing.

            Each of my miscarriages was devastating. Each left me with a child-shaped hole in my heart and in my soul. Well-meaning but inadequate comments like, “You can always try again,” or “It must have been God’s will,” gave me no comfort.

            However, today my heart is full and, though still tender, my soul is healed enough to offer suggestions for dealing with miscarriages, whether your own or a loved one’s.

If you have lost a child through miscarriage:

1)      Acknowledge the loss of an individual. Name the child. You will know him or her in heaven.

2)      Mark your loss with a ritual that feels right to you, whether with a formal church service, or a quiet gathering of friends and family at home.

3)      Allow yourself to grieve. Though you didn’t have time to know your child’s face and voice, you knew your hopes and dreams for your child. You anticipated the birth date and carried the child close to your heart. Perhaps you imagined how he would look or what she would grow up to be. Though the details of individuality are still a mystery, God knows and loves your child, and the world suffered a loss when your child died.

4)      Accept that your spouse may experience the loss differently than you. It’s not unusual for one parent to feel much more distress after a miscarriage than the other. With any death, people grieve in different ways. One may want to be alone; another needs to be with loved ones. One person may talk over and over about the loss; another may be made speechless by pain.

5)      Accept that you and your spouse may have mixed feelings, perhaps even relief, about the miscarriage. Parenthood is frightening. You can’t help your feelings, but you can be sensitive to each other.

If someone you know has lost a child through miscarriage:

1)      Acknowledge the loss of an individual. Send a note of sympathy, call, or visit with the bereaved parents.

2)      Let the parents know that you will keep them and their child in prayer. Perhaps you can commemorate the baby’s short life at your next church attendance.

3)      Realize that the grieving parents may not feel the way you expect them to feel. Accept that people grieve differently and that their emotions may fluctuate even hour to hour.

4)      Be sensitive to how difficult it may be for the couple to be around others who are expecting a child or have a new little one. However, continue to include them in invitations to baby showers and christenings, perhaps adding a note to say you understand that this might be difficult for them. Let them decide whether they are ready to accept.

5)      Don’t offer platitudes in an attempt to cheer the couple out of their loss. A simple, “I’m so sorry,” and time spent with them in companionship will let them know you care.

            Today I experience profound gratitude as I watch my four grown daughters, and yes, their births eased the pain, though they didn’t replace the children I lost. Not all women are blessed with motherhood after miscarriages. My heart goes out to them. I know God’s does, too.

            When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. [   ] Jesus wept. (John 11:33,35 NIV)

4 Minutes 4 Hard Times – Trust like Jesus

            Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Hard Times. Over the last few weeks we’ve looked at aspects of difficult times: worry, fear, gratitude, necessary losses, and money concerns.

 (1 minute version)

            In this  final Lenten post I’d like to consider Holy Week and what we can learn from studying Jesus as he faced his own “hard times.” We start with his triumphant entry into Jerusalem, riding on a donkey and being hailed as “King of the Jews.” The crowd and the apostles held high expectations for this king, that he would overthrow the Roman conquerors and lead the people to wealth and power. Only a few days later those expectations were crushed, their hope crucified.

            During the final hours before his death, Jesus wept in the garden, pled with his Father to let there be another way, suffered betrayal by a loved one, was wrongly accused, was abandoned by all his followers, and felt forsaken by God. He was stripped, beaten, and humiliated.

             He responded to these challenges with trust when he committed to follow his Father’s will rather than his own, accepted his abuse without retaliation, confirmed his identity, promised redemption to the criminal who testified to his innocence, gave his mother into a friend’s care, forgave us all, and—demonstrating his unending love—commended his spirit into his Father’s hands.

            Let’s look at that final act. He commended himself into his Father’s care. Even while suffering to the point of death, he trusted his Father. Isn’t that the ultimate answer to how we need to respond to difficult times? His trust enabled him to follow, accept, forgive, and love. Placing our trust in God will do the same for us.

             “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

 

(3 minutes more)

             It all comes down to how we answer some “meaning of life” questions:

•  Do you really believe God loves you, and is in fact Love itself?
•  Do you believe God is all-powerful? (Including able to forgive anything?)
•   Do you trust God?

            If we profess God’s love and power, why don’t we trust him completely, even when things go bad? I think we expect God to keep things going as we want them to go. When our expectations (like the Jerusalem crowd’s) are not met, we are tempted to doubt his love and doubt that he wants what is best for us. We become angry with God. We forget that God knows, better than we do, what is best. When Jerusalem wanted power in this world, Jesus was offering them an heir’s inheritance in the next. When we want health and happiness, he may be helping us grow in depth and holiness.

             God longs for us to trust him. Not a problem in good times. Not so easy when challenges crush our spirits. But he treasures our trust in those times, especially. Much of the Bible (if not all) is written to encourage us to trust in God.

             We read about Abraham’s willingness to trust God, “And he believed the Lord, and God counted it to him as righteousness.” (Genesis 15:6)

             Jeremiah, the prophet, writes, “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

            David, the psalmist, knew all the rewards that come from trusting God: “In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them”. (Psalm 22:4)

 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. (Psalm 28:7)

 “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” (Psalm 56:4)

            The entire New Testament is an account from Jesus of how much our Heavenly Father loves us and is anxious to forgive us. How even the sparrow doesn’t fall without God knowing and caring. The night Jesus would be betrayed he said to his apostles, “Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.” (John 14:1) He continued, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)

             Jesus knew what was coming and his final words before his arrest were words of comfort for his apostles and for us. He didn’t want us to be troubled by things of this world. He wanted us to trust him and his Father. To trust the way he trusted.

             Even recent saints received messages from God, reminding us to trust in him. The Sunday after Easter is celebrated as the Feast of Divine Mercy. St. Faustina began this special devotion to Jesus’ message, “that His Love and Forgiveness is greater than our sins. All He asks is that we trust in Him, ask for and accept His Mercy, and then let Mercy work through us to help others. He also wants us to be merciful, loving, compassionate, and forgiving to others.”

             Like the gospel command, “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful,” this demand that we show mercy to our neighbors “always and everywhere” seems impossible to fulfill. But the Lord assures us that it is possible. “When a soul approaches Me with trust,” He explains, “I fill it with such an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within itself, but radiates them to other souls.“ (St. Faustina’s Diary, 1074).

             None of us want to hear platitudes when we are troubled. Yet, saying “In God we trust,” is not a cliché. Those words hold the depth of wisdom.

             Trust your troubles to God. Each night give your cares to him. He loves you and will be with you through every evil time. He promised he will cause all things to work together for good, for you who love him.

Blessings on your Holy Week.

Betty Arrigotti