Grief and Depression

Today is a gloomy day and the weather seems fitting to focus on subjects as difficult as Grief and Depression. But grief is part of life, and depression is widespread and dangerous, and anything we can do to fight it, we should do. Maybe some of you are here because you love someone who is depressed, and you want to know how to help them. Maybe some of you have admitted to yourselves that you are depressed, and somehow found the energy to come, hoping for help. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask who’s who.

Depression has hit my family in the past. Some family members were adults. Some were children. I know how exhausting and difficult it can be to live with someone who is depressed. It might be part of why, as an adult, I went back to school to study counseling. Just a disclaimer, I’m not a professional therapist, and I can’t speak to you as well as someone who has years of counseling experience and a doctorate degree. But I can talk to you from my own experience, from the study I have done, and from a spiritual perspective.

Grief

Let’s start by talking about grief, a sense of sadness brought about from loss. We don’t reach our age without experiencing grief. As seniors, it is to be expected that we suffer losses.

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose our youth, our strength, maybe our good looks, 😉but more importantly, our dear friends, and perhaps our spouses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair.

We may downsize our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked and lived independently until she was 88, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought only two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace and without complaint.

Our society tends to discount us, rather than to value our experience and wisdom. If we’ve retired, we’ve lost some of our identity that we associated with our work. Perhaps we feel we’ve lost meaning.

We haven’t, of course. We gain our worth and our meaning and our identity from our God and our relationships. But we have experienced loss and therefore, grief. Grief is normal. It shows we’ve loved deeply and lived richly. It is part of living. Not a part we seek out, or want to experience, but a part of life.

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

Viorst writes,

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up, and giving up, and giving up, some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

Here are a few times in our lives when we had to let go, followed by what we gained by doing so:

Childhood’s End –

We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions.

The Married State –

We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go –

In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth –

Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or whom we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones –

Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality –

By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

So, there we have it. Times in our lives will hurt us. But because of that hurt we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Like my Grandma used to say as she rocked me, “This too shall pass.”

We might regain what we lost, but more likely we will grieve and hurt and then learn something along the way. We will deepen our character. The more we grow, the greater our peace and happiness can be in this life, as well as in the next.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart, to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

• Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
• Life is never the same after a loved one dies, or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
• God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
• Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, when we grieve, we should:

• Spend time in nature and prayer.
• Gather with those who are supportive.
• Share a meal with loved ones.
• Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
• Go out and serve others.

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through difficult circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our current limitations only allow us to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Necessary Losses teaches us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Of course, aging isn’t all loss and sadness. We are still learning and growing, even in our old age. Erik Erikson, in his stages of psychological development, talks about the conflicts of being this age….

What he calls Middle-aged adults, 40 to 65 years old, struggle with the conflict between Generativity vs. Stagnation. We can focus on contributing to society and guiding the next generation, or we may feel stagnant and unproductive.

Generativity involves a desire to leave a lasting legacy, guide the next generation, and contribute to society through meaningful work, mentoring, or raising children. Individuals experiencing generativity feel useful, productive, and have a sense of accomplishment in their lives. 

Stagnation, on the other hand, involves feeling unproductive, uninvolved, and disconnected from the world. Individuals experiencing stagnation may lack a sense of purpose and feel that their work or life has little impact. 

Erikson continues to talk about older adults, aged 65 and over, and how we reflect on our lives and develop a sense of integrity, wholeness and acceptance, or experience despair and regret if we are dissatisfied with our accomplishments.

Again, key aspects of this stage include:

• Reflection and Acceptance: Individuals at this stage look back on their lives and consider their accomplishments, relationships, and overall experiences. 
• Sense of Integrity: Those who feel a sense of fulfillment and pride in their lives develop ego integrity, a feeling of wholeness and acceptance of their past. 

But, if individuals feel they haven’t lived a fulfilling life or have significant regrets, they may experience despair, bitterness, and a fear of death. 

Successfully navigating this stage leads to the virtue of wisdom, a sense of completeness and understanding of life’s journey leading to a peaceful acceptance of aging and death. 

Matthew Kelly, with Allen Hunt, also talks about the importance of the last quarter of our life in their book, The Fourth Quarter of Your Life. (Which he counts as living beyond 60…) They write:

“The unavoidable truth is we are going to die. Most of us are in the last quarter of our lives. To have no regrets when death comes, use your thoughts, words, choices, and actions, to close the gap between who you are today and who you are capable of being. This is the path that leads to a deeply fulfilling fourth quarter. The shortness of life is an invitation to grasp every moment and experience it fully.

Let the young have their physical beauty. Elevate your pursuits to wisdom and soul beauty. Fill your days with wisdom, live that wisdom by aging gracefully, share that wisdom with the people who cross your path, and the beauty of your soul will shine for all to see.”

They list 5 signs of a successful 4^th quarter:

• Physically active lifestyle
• Mental stimulation
• Social engagement
• Meaning and Purpose
• Spiritual vitality

And they offer 5 keys to living and dying with no regrets:

1. Say yes to God: God invites you on a wonderful journey. When you say yes to God’s invitation, you know where you’re going.
2. Focus on a Fourth Quarter Virtue: Pursue one particular virtue that God has specifically placed in you. Then watch it blossom in all areas of your life.
3. Give. It. Away: The more you give things and yourself away, the happier you’ll be.
4. Be Open to Life: Your 4^th quarter can be more of a birthing than a dying. Be open to what can be.
5. Forgive. Often: Bitter and resentful is no way to live. And it’s definitely no way to die.

A separate word about forgiving comes from a book called Healing the Eight Stages of Life. We’ve heard about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, but the authors believe they apply to forgiveness, too.

A person usually goes through the five stages in dying, or in unconditionally forgiving any hurt.

• The first stage is denial, when we pretend it didn’t happen.
• The second stage is anger, when we blame the person out there.
• The third stage is bargaining, when we say, “I’ll forgive, only if…”
• The fourth stage is depression when we blame ourselves.
• And the fifth stage is acceptance, when we can be grateful not for the evil, but for how it has gifted us in many ways, especially in even being able to reach out to the person who hurt us.

The authors saw better results in a person moving through the stages if they had a significant person with whom they could share their feelings and be loved. In prayer, if we share these stages with Jesus and allow him to be a significant person for us, we’ll move automatically through the five stages.

Pope Francis, in a pamphlet called The Gifts of Aging, says the older generation can be:

• A bridge of wisdom for the younger generations.
• The roots of a tree that allow the young to flower and fruit.
• The source of our families’ culture and wisdom.
• A source of tenderness, especially to our children and grandchildren.
• A teacher of attentiveness to those in greatest need.
• A sharer of dreams to pass on to youth.
• An example of gratitude.
• A reminder to the next generation of what is most important.

Pope Francis adds:

• We keep memory alive to share with our young.
• We see history with clarity and pass it on.
• Our new vocation is to preserve our roots, pass on faith to the young, and care for little ones.
• Most importantly, we are prayer warriors for our families and communities.

Ok, that was a lot about grief, followed by the positive side of this time of life. How is grief different than depression?

Grief and depression can share some overlapping symptoms, such as sadness and loss of interest, but they are distinct experiences. Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and other symptoms. Grief typically comes in waves and may be interspersed with positive memories, whereas depression tends to be more constant and debilitating. Furthermore, grief often involves a sense of loss and uncertainty, while depression can involve low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. 

• Grief is a normal response to loss, while depression is a psychological disorder. 
• Grief is a process that can fluctuate over time, while depression tends to be more persistent. 
• Grief may be intense but can be interspersed with periods of normalcy, while depression is more pervasive and debilitating. 
• Grief often preserves self-esteem, while depression is often associated with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. 
• Grief is centered on the loss and the relationship with the deceased, while depression is more personal and can involve a wide range of negative thoughts and feelings. 

• Depression can sometimes be a complication of grief, especially if the grieving process is prolonged or complicated. 
• If either grief or depression symptoms persist or significantly interfere with daily life, seeking professional help may be necessary. 

Again, if we accept that aging brings loss and loss brings grief, grief is a normal part of our experience.

Depression is not. Depression isn’t normal or healthy or something just to accept. Depression is abnormal. It is destructive and unnecessary and something to be fought against and worked through, not just for ourselves, but for our loved ones. Depression affects everyone who cares for the sufferer. (Read 2x)

What is depression?

Depression is a common mental disorder characterized by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, and other symptoms that can affect daily life. It’s more than just feeling sad; it’s a serious condition that can impact a person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and overall well-being. Depression is treatable, and a combination of therapy and medication can help individuals recover.

Researchers have discovered a link between depression and other serious illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer, thyroid disease, and Parkinson’s disease. A complete physical and lab work may be an essential part of the diagnostic assessment for clinical depression

Let’s talk first about the most commonly experienced type of depression that I’m going to call overt depression.

Some of the most common signs and symptoms of overt depression are:

• Feelings of sadness, guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Irritability or restlessness
• Loss of interest in or enjoyment of activities or relationships previously enjoyed

• Change in appetite, often resulting in over- or under-eating
• Low energy
• Difficulty concentrating
• And sadly, Thoughts of suicide

What does it look like? Different people express their depression in different ways.

• Sadness
• Anger
• Lack of emotion
• Lack of energy
• Hopelessness even to the point of suicidal ideation

What causes it?

• Brain chemical imbalance which can be brought on by…
• Prolonged stress
• Catastrophic events
• Some medical conditions
• Sleep disorders
• Genetic predisposition

Those are the typical descriptions of overt depression.

But some depression, in fact in men, possibly most depression, can be covert. Instead of observing the person’s sadness, we may instead see anger, or violence, or addiction. In our society, men are often raised to separate themselves from what might be considered “feminine” behaviors or feelings.

A book called, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by family counselor Terrence Real, talks about men and how being raised in our society can damage men from the time they are little boys. They are supposed to distance themselves from their mothers, who have been their source of love and safety until they are three or four. Then, suddenly, they’re made to feel weak if they want to be with them or if they look for their mom’s attention. Their dads, if they are around, may try to teach them they’re supposed to be tough and strong and not have feelings.

Boys are discouraged from expressing their pain. They are supposed to endure it, or ignore it. And they are supposed to be strong enough to deal with troubles on their own, without help. At least, those are the messages many boys take in. They aren’t encouraged or shown how to express or discuss feelings like shame. So, they bury it. Or they compensate for it with aggression or addiction. And even more sadly, they often pass on their depression to their sons.

Unfortunately, according to this book, young men might succeed at stuffing feelings down until they don’t even know they’re there. Then they become adults, and two things happen. On the one hand, women suddenly want them to be in touch with feelings that they’ve disowned for twenty some years. On the other, the only feeling some seem to be able to pull out in times of stress is anger. It’s as if they traded all the range of emotions—from tenderness and love to frustration and fear. They traded them all away and are only left with anger.

Depression in men often goes unrecognized because they don’t demonstrate the obvious deep sadness that overt depression expresses. Covert depression can be well hidden for years, but at a cost. A man who has experienced his own father’s depression can grow up with a sense of shame that he works valiantly to hide. He can’t face the pain of a traumatic or neglected childhood, so he masks it.

Unfortunately, often that shame is covered up by means of self-medicating, like through alcohol or drugs. He uses a substance or an experience to numb the pain. He might use a different addiction, like sex or violence, work or food, or lose himself in TV or video games. These crutches keep him from feeling, but they also keep him from loving and from intimacy. If they lose their crutch of choice, say they work to become sober, without the addiction crutch they begin to feel the pain of their past, and usually they’ll find another way to avoid the pain. Such men need a dual diagnosis of addiction and depression. They need to end the addiction before they can work on the depression, and ending the addiction takes away the defenses that kept the pain at bay.

Men who don’t know how to deal with the trauma of a childhood of neglect or violence, often compensate, or over-compensate, for the shame they can’t let themselves feel, by finding a way to become grandiose. They’ll become overachievers, or bullies, or find ways to prove themselves better than others, but are unable to connect to people who love them, or even to connect to their inner selves.

So, what’s the answer for them? Terrance Real, believes that the way out of depression is through grief. They may have to feel the pain and confront it and begin to process their painful experiences in order to heal. They’ll need a professional to help them through the process.

There are, however, things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who are suffering from depression.

With either covert or overt depression, Self-help strategies for fighting depression for sufferers and loved ones include:

Physical strategies

             Exercise – movement raises our endorphins.

             Time Outdoors in fresh air

Diet – healthier eating

             More regular sleep schedules can help

Social strategies

• Social support of family and friends or a trusted minister –
• People who are depressed or grieving need someone who they can talk to who isn’t judgmental, who they feel safe with. It might help to have someone to exercise with so that they are accountable, making it harder to skip. At one point, my daughter and I set aside a time each evening for us to walk and let her talk about her sadness. She knew she would be heard and could wait until then. I think it put parameters around her feelings.
• (If you don’t feel like you have social support, maybe attend the Senior Luncheon – there’s nice people and good food!)

Spiritual strategies include

             Meditation, prayer, calming exercises

             Plus, we all need to foster a “Gratitude Attitude” and count our blessings.

It sounds simple, right? Just exercise more, get outdoors, eat well, sleep well, find friends to talk to, pray more, concentrate on feeling grateful. We know all these things will definitely be helpful, but….

             Sadly, Depression steals away our energy and self-discipline and makes it very difficult for a sufferer to force him or herself to take advantage of these self-help strategies.

If it were just up to the sufferers, and if they were just trying to benefit themselves, depression’s lack of energy might make it seem nearly impossible. But if the person can realize that their efforts benefit their families and their loved ones, they might find the determination to become superheroes and step up to the challenge. What they can’t do for themselves, they may be able to do for their loved ones, for the next generation, or for their God. Even the sufferers whose depression is rooted in their childhood, can break the chain so that they don’t pass it on to their children or grandchildren.

If the depressed person has tried self-help strategies and hasn’t been able to keep them up, or if they haven’t helped, it’s time for professional help. Maybe you’ve nagged and encouraged and cajoled someone who is depressed to no avail.

Or maybe that loved one has had thoughts or signs of self-harm, then it is definitely time for professional help.

You need professional help when

• A severely depressed person has progressed to the point of being suicidal. If you or your loved one is having thoughts of self harm. If you imagine yourself stepping out into traffic..
• if they talk about the world being better off without them,
• if they begin to give away their prized possessions,
• or talk about death…

…it is critical that they get professional help. Suicide is an all-too-common risk of depression. Thoughts of self-harm, especially if the person begins forming a plan, are an emergency and the person should be taken to a hospital.

But here’s the good news, depression is very treatable! Professional strategies will include talk therapy , such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where a therapist will help you explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They’ll encourage you to challenge the validity of your thoughts, overcoming negative thinking and facing your fears. Does everyone really dislike you? Are you really bad at everything? Are you really worthless? Helpless? Hopeless? Then new thoughts can bring about new feelings and behavior.

Professional strategies may possibly include medication. There are many antidepressants today, and even if the first one tried doesn’t work, or has unpleasant side effects, there are many more options. (One of my family members needed to try two. One tried 12, but the 12^th worked wonders!)

There should be no shame in getting the treatment that our bodies need. We wouldn’t refuse insulin if we were diabetic. Medication, combined with professional therapy, can make a huge difference and can release people from the prison of their sadness, helping them to become the best version of themselves.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has helped. I hope you persevere until you find help.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deathor mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Rev 21:4

Resources

• Hotline (911 or 988) https://988lifeline.org/  suicide and crisis hotline

• Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families  https://adultchildren.org/
• https://al-anon.org  For families and friends of alcoholics
• https://www.oregon.gov/oha/HSD/AMH/Pages/Mental-Health.aspx  (Oregon gov site)
• www.mentalhealthcenters.net  Oregon  – Mental Health Services – Mental Health Centers
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Oregon namior.org   For support, contact 503-230-8009 or namioregon@namior.org.
• Hospitals
• Ministers

Medicare covers many mental health services to support you, including depression screenings, individual and group therapy, and family counseling. You may be able to get mental health counseling and treatment, including addiction recovery, from home via telehealth.

Books I referred to:

Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart by Marilyn Willett Heavilin

What Pope Francis Says About the Gifts of Aging: 30 Days of Reflections and Prayers, pamphlet by Deborah McCann

The Fourth Quarter of Your Life, by Matthew Kelly and Allen Hunt

Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst

I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by Terrence Real

Healing the Eight Stages of Life, by Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks, by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD

Aging through Grief to Service

Aging Through Losses

“… how happy others are because of you.” What a wonderful measure for our lives.

This week we ponder the Losses that life requires, and the growth those losses bring. We look back at earlier stages and can see the wisdom in growing. Let’s hold, in our current stage, to the belief that there is wisdom in letting go.

Those of you who’ve read my posts over the years know I’m very impressed by the wisdom of Judith Viorst. How can we talk about Aging with Grace without looking at the losses aging entails? In her book, Necessary Losses, Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

She writes:

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up and giving up and giving up some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

We should understand how these losses are linked to our gains.

There is plenty we must give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

Our life or growth could be seen as a progression of letting go, followed by the gain a new stage brings:

• Childhood’s End – We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions. We don’t blame our current lives on our childhood.

• The Married State – We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

• Letting Children Go – In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them.

• The Loss of Youth – Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self-image and move on. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or who we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

• The Loss of our Loved Ones – Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance. (We will take a closer look at grief next week.)

• We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him.” Philippians 3:8-9

Being alive means we will suffer loss. But the loss will open us to new possibilities. Jesus lost his life, but by doing so, regained for us the Kingdom of God. He rose to new life so that we will, too. In that life, there will be no loss.

Perhaps opening our hands to let go allows us to receive new gifts.

Perhaps this process of letting go, if done well, makes room for God.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Health and Limitations

In order to improve our chances of aging with health, Andrew Weil, M.D., in his book. Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide to Your Well-being offers 12 recommendations:

1. Eat an anti-inflammatory diet.
2. Use dietary supplements wisely to support the body’s defenses and natural healing power.
3. Use preventative medicine intelligently: know your risks of age-related disease, get appropriate diagnostic and screening tests and immunizations, and treat problems (like elevated blood pressure and cholesterol) in their early stages.
4. Get regular physical activity throughout life.
5. Get adequate rest and sleep.
6. Learn and practice methods of stress protection.
7. Exercise your mind as well as your body.
8. Maintain social and intellectual connections as you go through life.
9. Be flexible in mind and body: learn to adapt to losses and let go of behaviors no longer appropriate for your age.
10. Think about and try to discover for yourself the benefits of aging.
11. Do not deny the reality of aging or put energy into trying to stop it. Use the experience of aging as a stimulus for spiritual awakening and growth.
12. Keep an ongoing record of the lessons you learn, the wisdom you gain, and the values you hold. At critical points in your life, read this over, add to it, revise it, and share it with people you care about.

I know I have some room for improvement as I read his recommendations. Unfortunately, even with the best of efforts, as we age, we will come to know limitations to our health and abilities, and those limitations likely will grow with time. In her book, The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully, Joan Chittister writes:

“Limitations—those physical boundaries that the old reach before the rest of the world—are only that, elders show us. They are boundaries, not barriers. They limit us—they take time and energy, yes—but they do not stop us unless we decide to be stopped. In fact, limitations in one area simply make us develop in another. If your legs are weak, then getting in and out of a wheelchair will only make your arms stronger. If your hearing is impaired, you will begin to write more letters. Limitations, at any age and every age, call out something in us that we never considered before.”

“They also alert us to the needs of others. It takes limitations to be sensitive to their needs.”

” Being limited gives us an opportunity to learn both humility and patience. We aren’t as arrogant anymore as we used to be. But we’re more tenacious than ever.”

“Limitations invite others to get involved as well. We create community out of the needs of the others and the gifts we can bring to them while they, in turn, enrich us.”

“When we define ourselves only by our limitations, we fail to see to what greater things those limitations are calling us for.”

“A blessing of these years is that we know at last what really matters, and the world is waiting to hear it, if only we will make the effort and don’t give in to our limitations.“

More excerpts from Chittister about not giving in to our limitations:

“Generativity—the act of giving ourselves to the needs of the rest of the world—is the single most important function of old age. For example, in [a Harvard study] it was widening their social circle as life went on that was the key factor in the achievement of successful aging, not money, not education, not family.”

“But this ‘widening’ was not simply the creation of social contacts, as important as that is. Instead, these individuals created social contacts by doing more than that—they became actively involved in one or more of the great social activities of life, ‘helping someone else.‘”

“Most important of all, perhaps, is that old age is the only age when we can possibly be so important to the world at large because it is the first time in life when we ourselves are free enough to give much thought to a world broader than our own. We are ready now to stretch ourselves beyond ourselves for the sake of all the others to whom we are leaving this world.”

“A blessing of these years is the freedom to reach out to others, to do everything we can with everything in life that we have managed to develop all these years in both soul and mind for the sake of the rest of the human race.”

We owe it to the world to live our lives trying to be as healthy as we can, in order to help others around us and the generations to come.

Blessings on your remaining weeks of Lent!

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Forgiveness

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Whenever we look back on our lives, and forward to how we’d like them to grow, we are likely to realize we need to forgive in order to continue to age gracefully. Maybe we need to let go of a past hurt. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves… or maybe God. No one who is holding a grudge or heavy guilt will age with grace.

First, we will look at forgiving others, then below consider how to forgive ourselves.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt offers suggestions to help us discover whom we need to forgive and seven steps to assist in our journey of forgiveness.

1. Remember your own need for forgiveness.
2. Pick one thing you know you ought to forgive.
3. Ask God to saturate you with his grace to help you forgive.
4. If possible, engage the offender in direct, open, honest communication. Don’t accuse, focus on how you feel. Say, “I forgive you.” (Do this in your imagination if the person isn’t available.)
5. Follow your words with some act of reconciliation—perhaps a hug, handshake, or meal together.
6. To prevent the same hurts from occurring again, keep your lines of communication open, with clear, healthy boundaries and guidelines for your relationship.
7. Learn to forgive the small things—with friends, family, or coworkers. Be a person of grace. Don’t dwell on the hurts. Recognize you are still prone to mistakes as you become the-best-version-of-yourself, just as others are.

Forgiving others is a process, not usually a one-time decision. We will possibly fail, but then can try again. Here are a few practices that help me personally:

• Acknowledge to yourself the anger and hurt you feel. If possible, voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt you.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs make their sores larger by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on them. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Letting Go of Guilt – Forgiving Ourselves

Fr. Peter Siamoo, a priest from Tanzania who studied and worked here in Portland, wrote a book called Restore Your Inner Peace: Personal Healing from Within. In Fr. Peter’s work as a counselor in hospitals and prisons, he found the inability to forgive oneself to be both prevalent and destructive. Perhaps we too have trouble letting go of our mistakes, weaknesses, and past sinfulness. Don’t we, in this study of Aging with Grace, also need to forgive ourselves?

He recommends steps:

1. Acknowledge what you’ve done.
2. Talk about it with a safe person, possibly a good friend, minister, or therapist.
3. Learn from it in order to grow and not repeat the mistake.
4. Make peace with it, not to justify the mistake but to become a wounded healer.
5. Ask for and accept forgiveness from God, who is loving and who readily forgives our transgressions when we sincerely ask for it.
6. Forgive yourself, remembering to love your neighbor as (well as) yourself.

Forgiving ourselves after a mistake is:

• An act of appreciation for God’s love and forgiveness.
• Self-love that restores our inner freedom and peace.
• A choice we make to acknowledge and accept God’s mercy and choose to treat ourselves better than what we think we deserve.
• Worth doing because we deserve a better life than carrying guilt around.
• A way of imitating God who has forgiven us, and
• Important to our being happy.
• Make amends to repair the damage and restore the relationship.

From this week on, let’s love ourselves enough to forgive ourselves… and others!

Blessings on your Lent! We’ve passed halfway!

Aging Without Fear

Max Lucado has published a little booklet called, “Imagine Your Life Without Fear.”

Of course, fear is good if it steers us away from danger. But more often, it can freeze us into inaction, keep us from helping others, or lead us to strike out in what we think is self-defense. Perhaps most of us live our lives marked with fear. The “what ifs” eat away at our peace and are another barrier to living with grace and so, aging with grace.

For some years now, I have been trying to remind myself of the Bible verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I even titled my first published book, “Hope and a Future.” God promises us that our future will be bright, and He will be with us. Still, we fear.

Fear takes on many appearances as we pass through life’s stages.

• Fear of loneliness: Will I find someone who will love me for my lifetime?
• Fear for our children: Are they safe? Are they loving and feeling loved?
• Fear for our livelihood: Will I be able to get/keep a job? Will I be able to provide for those who depend on me? Will my money last through my retirement?
• Fear of aging: Will I become too frail? Will I lose my memory? Will I cause my family too much anguish?
• Fear of dying: Will there be great pain? Will I be well-remembered? Will I go to heaven?

Yet, God commanded Joshua as he led his people across the Jordan to the promised land (and He continues to command us): “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Max Lucado reminds us, Jesus tells us again and again not to fear:

• When we worry that we aren’t worth God’s love: “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. (Matt. 10:31)
• When we worry about finances: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25)
• When we fear God: “But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt 14:27)
• When our fear freezes us: “But Jesus came and touched them. ‘Get up,’ he said. ‘Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt. 17:7)
• When our fear makes us overuse substances to find calm: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Tim 1:7)
• When we fear global turmoil: “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come”. (Matt 24:6)
• When we fear death or the afterlife: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

(All Bible quotes from the New International Version)

Max Lucado invites us to imagine one day with absolutely no fear. What courageous step would we take?

Once, 16 years ago, a priest asked our congregation to ponder what we would do if we had no fear. What do we suspect we should be doing, but fear keeps us from starting? My answer was to begin to write these Lenten emails. If I had no fear, I might offer some form of this in person. I haven’t made it that far, yet, but we take small steps forward and God honors our effort. What would you do if fear didn’t keep you from acting?

Another great book title was, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. We won’t get rid of all fear, but we can step out bravely anyway, trusting that God is at our side. Let’s face down our fears and watch them decrease as we act with courage.

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

1. Fear will always be present if we continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about ourselves is to… go out and do it.
4. Not only are we going to experience fear whenever we are on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

St. Francis de Sales said: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts.” Once we believe this, we can say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

If this post on fear has encouraged you, read more ways to fight fear by clicking on “Fear” in the right-hand column under 4 Minutes 4 Growth.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)

I’m in a New Stage, now what? Where do I go from here?

Barbara Lee recommends we pray to discern our path and is fond of St. Ignatian spirituality. She recommends his Examen as a way to look back at a day, or any period of time, to enhance our prayer about decision making:

In the book, God Isn’t Finished with Me Yet: Discovering the Spiritual Graces of Later Life, author Barbara Lee looks at ways to figure out what our next path should be when our nest is empty, or we’ve retired from work, or are simply feeling there must be more for us still to do. She wrote the book at 80, after she had retired from her career as a lawyer and judge in order to volunteer to help immigrants learn English. She came to this stage in her life after much discernment of Spirit and offers suggestions to those seekers like herself.

1. Focus on the presence of God, then give thanks.
2. Ask for the light of the Spirit, to be aware of all the ways God is at work our lives.
3. Review the day (or period of time), looking not only for our sins and failings but also for where we have heard the promptings of the Spirit and how we have responded.
4. Ask pardon for the ways in which we have failed to respond to grace.
5. Finally, ask for the grace not merely to amend our faults but also to look forward to the future with hope. Say the Lord’s Prayer.

Decisions can be categorized as “Whether” decisions or “How” decisions. The Whether decisions – like whether to retire, downsize, or move, require that we:

1. Define the question.
2. Strive to be as detached as possible without assuming the result we prefer.
3. Ask God to move our will toward what pleases Him and makes us a better Christian.
4. List and rationally consider the advantages and disadvantages. Decide based on what seems most reasonable.
5. Bring the decision to prayer and ask God “to receive and confirm it.”

The How decisions—like how to treat an illness, care for an invalid, respond to diminished capacity, deal with our adult children, spend free time, or approach a spiritual journey as its length diminishes—can be addressed by praying with scripture (looking for words that resonate in your soul, or imagining yourself in the biblical scene to sense impressions invoked by the scene.)

With either type of decision making, we should watch for signs of spiritual desolation. Does the decision cause us anxiety, fear, and reluctance to pray? It is important, instead, to make decisions that bring us spiritual consolation, imparting peace, joy, hope, faith, and loving charity. If decision making does not come easily, she recommends keeping a spiritual journal or finding a good spiritual director.

On downsizing, the author recommends St. Ignatius’ advice on property: we should “desire to keep it or dispose of it solely according to what God our Lord will move [our] will to choose,” and we should not “desire or feel . . . strongly attached to have wealth rather than poverty.” Lee says, “We may not all have the grace to embrace the Ignatian ideal of a genuine preference for poverty, but we may still find greater clarity in distinguishing what we really need for a well-balanced life.” She also reminds us to provide for the poor and do other good works to focus on social justice and service. Lee would like us to consider the diminishment of ability as we age to be a type of poverty and a time in our lives when we can “acknowledge our total dependence on God.”

She recommends we undertake a ministry of prayer. She quotes Fr. Thomas Clarke, SJ:

If intercession, then, is the name of the game, I believe that the group best fitted to lead it is the world’s elders. We qualify for the role not through our wisdom or even through our prophetic gifts, if we have them, but through our special brand of poverty. In generational terms, it is we who are the anawim—the poor—through whom God works wonders. However reduced in physical, mental, emotional powers, and whether we are still “active” or “retired,” we can model for all that intercessory offering of “prayers, works, joys and sufferings” through which the world is graced.

The author recommends, as a kindness to our families, preplanning for our future, including choosing a health-care proxy and signing a “living will” for medical decisions, arranging for our funeral and burial, and estate planning. But also, we should leave a spiritual legacy. Consider writing about your spiritual journey or telling your faith stories to family and friends.

Finally, we need to see death as a transition to eternal life. “Instead of looking back toward what has been lost or given up, we can ask for the grace to look forward with hope to life eternal, remembering the promise of Jesus: ‘I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.’” (John 16:22)

Lee commends the Suscipe prayer:

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will—all that I have and possess. You, Lord have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me your love and your grace, for that is enough for me.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Grace

Welcome to these 4-minute posts to explore an area of growth. This year, we look at Aging with Grace.

What does it mean to age gracefully? The word “graceful” might make men uncomfortable with an attribute usually used to define women, like a dancer with graceful, elegant moves. Rather, let’s consider the aspect of grace as a quality of goodwill and maturity. We need grace at whatever stage in life we currently struggle.

Can you think of someone who seems to have accomplished growing older in an admirable way? If you are lucky, perhaps a grandparent or parent has given you an example you’d like to emulate.

This week’s news has given us all an example. Past President Jimmy Carter, as of this writing, has entered Hospice care at his home. At 98, he is an example of a person who has aged with grace and integrity. After serving his country as president—easily seen as the peak of a career—he didn’t rest on his laurels and retire into obscurity. He continued to serve others: 40 years as a Sunday School teacher, 39+ years working with Habitat for Humanity, 70+ years as a beloved spouse, then a devoted father and patriarch. He even won a Nobel Peace Prize for his advocacy of democracy, public health, and human rights! In 2015, after fighting cancer, he said with a smile, “I am perfectly at ease with whatever comes.”

Such an attitude certainly exhibits aging with grace. We know the quality when we see it, but can we define it? It might mean different things to different people, but our examples probably have much in common. We imagine a person of good humor and integrity, who is willing to use what they’ve learned to improve the lives of others. We certainly recognize the opposite of aging with grace when we meet people who are bitter, irritable, and mindful only of themselves.

I don’t intend these emails to focus only on our oldest generation. Aging with grace begins early in life, and how we manage our early stages sets us on a road towards grace or away from it. In the book, Healing the Eight Stages of Life, authors Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant discuss Erik Erikson’s theory that each stage of our lives brings a challenge to either achieve and grow, or stagnate.

According to Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development:

• From age 0-1.5 we learn trust over mistrust and, if successful, acquire the value of hope.
• From age 1.5-3, we learn autonomy over shame and, if successful, acquire the value of will.
• From age 3-5, we learn initiative over guilt and, if successful, acquire the value of purpose.
• From age 5-12, we learn industry over inferiority and, if successful, acquire the value of competency.
• From age 12-18, we learn identity over role confusion and, if successful, acquire the value of fidelity.
• From age 18-40, we learn intimacy over isolation and, if successful, acquire the value of love. (Intimacy involves close, loving relationships.)
• From age 40-65 we learn generativity over stagnation and, if successful, acquire the value of care. (Generativity is the propensity and willingness to engage in acts that promote the wellbeing of younger generations.)
• From age 65 on, we learn ego integrity over despair and, if successful, acquire the value of wisdom. (Integrity as fully accepting oneself and coming to terms with death.)

The authors hold that we don’t necessarily move to new stages sequentially, rather the stages live on in us, making it possible to go back and heal the wounds of younger times and learn the lessons and skills we missed along the way. If we successfully learned the skill that a stage was meant to teach us, we will progress towards a happier life. If not, we can go back and learn now what we missed before. There is hope, if we are willing to let go of our woundedness and use our pain to learn in order to help others.

As an example, if we didn’t learn trust at the age when it would have been healthiest, perhaps we needed distrust to help us survive. Yet now, as adults, we can allow the hurt to heal and learn to trust when it is appropriate. If our family of origin wasn’t loving, the Dalai Lama says, “Anyone who loves you is your parent.” God wants us to be whole and healthy. Inviting Him into our injuries, we find He loves us in our woundedness and wants to heal our pain.

It is easy for us to remember our painful experiences. The authors invite us instead to think back over our lives recalling our happiest moments. Bask in those feelings of joy, from youngest childhood memories to a blessing you received yesterday. That joy can fill you today and give you hope towards tomorrow.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)