Aging through Grief to Service

Good Friday seems an appropriate day to discuss grief.

At any stage in our journey of Aging with Grace, we may suffer grief. The loss may be small or huge, sometimes causing us to feel as if all progress in our lives has stopped.

• As young adults we might grieve the necessity of choosing one path over another, or the realization that we might not achieve what we had hoped. We might mourn the loss of a relationship that we thought would be “the one.” In our twenties and thirties, a “quarter-life crisis” for some, we might find that we aren’t as far along a career or relationship path as we thought we might be. We might be lonely and wonder if we will ever find love.
• Grief might hit us in our middle-age years if we miscarry, our parents die, we suffer through an unwanted divorce, or our child falls seriously ill.
• If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many losses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. Many of us will lose our spouses and dear friends to death. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, while possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair. We may need to move from our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things. We mourn losing our healthy bodies or quick minds. We grieve the way society sees aging as a weakness—or doesn’t see us at all.

In A Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, Rose Sweet contrasts fear and faith in the midst of grieving:

• Fear – I don’t want to grieve any more. It’s too big. It’s too painful. I’m sick of it. I want to move on. It doesn’t feel good. What will people think if I’m weak with grief? Why can’t I just avoid it? I’ll be fine, really I will, won’t I?
• Faith – I know God has given me tears for a reason. He designed me to grieve so that I could heal. I will not be afraid of the pain, knowing He will give me His grace to get through it. After all, God’s people wept. Jesus wept. I am not alone.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

• Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
• God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
• Life is never the same after a loved one dies or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
• Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

(If grief is prolonged and accompanied by appetite or sleep changes with a lack of enjoyment for what once used to bring joy, consider talking to a professional. Depression is treatable!)

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, we should:

• Spend time in nature and prayer.
• Gather with those who are supportive.
• Share a meal with loved ones.
• Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
• Go out and serve others.

(It strikes me that most of these are parts of our church services, too.)

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through similar circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our limitations allow us only to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Last week, Necessary Losses taught us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Let us go forth to love and serve our Lord… and God’s people.

Thank you for sharing your Lenten journey with me. May your (Good Friday) grief eventually lead you to (Easter) joy!

Betty Arrigotti

Aging Through Losses

“… how happy others are because of you.” What a wonderful measure for our lives.

This week we ponder the Losses that life requires, and the growth those losses bring. We look back at earlier stages and can see the wisdom in growing. Let’s hold, in our current stage, to the belief that there is wisdom in letting go.

Those of you who’ve read my posts over the years know I’m very impressed by the wisdom of Judith Viorst. How can we talk about Aging with Grace without looking at the losses aging entails? In her book, Necessary Losses, Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

She writes:

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up and giving up and giving up some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

We should understand how these losses are linked to our gains.

There is plenty we must give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

Our life or growth could be seen as a progression of letting go, followed by the gain a new stage brings:

• Childhood’s End – We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions. We don’t blame our current lives on our childhood.

• The Married State – We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

• Letting Children Go – In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them.

• The Loss of Youth – Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self-image and move on. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or who we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

• The Loss of our Loved Ones – Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance. (We will take a closer look at grief next week.)

• We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him.” Philippians 3:8-9

Being alive means we will suffer loss. But the loss will open us to new possibilities. Jesus lost his life, but by doing so, regained for us the Kingdom of God. He rose to new life so that we will, too. In that life, there will be no loss.

Perhaps opening our hands to let go allows us to receive new gifts.

Perhaps this process of letting go, if done well, makes room for God.

Blessings on your week!

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Health and Limitations

In order to improve our chances of aging with health, Andrew Weil, M.D., in his book. Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide to Your Well-being offers 12 recommendations:

1. Eat an anti-inflammatory diet.
2. Use dietary supplements wisely to support the body’s defenses and natural healing power.
3. Use preventative medicine intelligently: know your risks of age-related disease, get appropriate diagnostic and screening tests and immunizations, and treat problems (like elevated blood pressure and cholesterol) in their early stages.
4. Get regular physical activity throughout life.
5. Get adequate rest and sleep.
6. Learn and practice methods of stress protection.
7. Exercise your mind as well as your body.
8. Maintain social and intellectual connections as you go through life.
9. Be flexible in mind and body: learn to adapt to losses and let go of behaviors no longer appropriate for your age.
10. Think about and try to discover for yourself the benefits of aging.
11. Do not deny the reality of aging or put energy into trying to stop it. Use the experience of aging as a stimulus for spiritual awakening and growth.
12. Keep an ongoing record of the lessons you learn, the wisdom you gain, and the values you hold. At critical points in your life, read this over, add to it, revise it, and share it with people you care about.

I know I have some room for improvement as I read his recommendations. Unfortunately, even with the best of efforts, as we age, we will come to know limitations to our health and abilities, and those limitations likely will grow with time. In her book, The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully, Joan Chittister writes:

“Limitations—those physical boundaries that the old reach before the rest of the world—are only that, elders show us. They are boundaries, not barriers. They limit us—they take time and energy, yes—but they do not stop us unless we decide to be stopped. In fact, limitations in one area simply make us develop in another. If your legs are weak, then getting in and out of a wheelchair will only make your arms stronger. If your hearing is impaired, you will begin to write more letters. Limitations, at any age and every age, call out something in us that we never considered before.”

“They also alert us to the needs of others. It takes limitations to be sensitive to their needs.”

” Being limited gives us an opportunity to learn both humility and patience. We aren’t as arrogant anymore as we used to be. But we’re more tenacious than ever.”

“Limitations invite others to get involved as well. We create community out of the needs of the others and the gifts we can bring to them while they, in turn, enrich us.”

“When we define ourselves only by our limitations, we fail to see to what greater things those limitations are calling us for.”

“A blessing of these years is that we know at last what really matters, and the world is waiting to hear it, if only we will make the effort and don’t give in to our limitations.“

More excerpts from Chittister about not giving in to our limitations:

“Generativity—the act of giving ourselves to the needs of the rest of the world—is the single most important function of old age. For example, in [a Harvard study] it was widening their social circle as life went on that was the key factor in the achievement of successful aging, not money, not education, not family.”

“But this ‘widening’ was not simply the creation of social contacts, as important as that is. Instead, these individuals created social contacts by doing more than that—they became actively involved in one or more of the great social activities of life, ‘helping someone else.‘”

“Most important of all, perhaps, is that old age is the only age when we can possibly be so important to the world at large because it is the first time in life when we ourselves are free enough to give much thought to a world broader than our own. We are ready now to stretch ourselves beyond ourselves for the sake of all the others to whom we are leaving this world.”

“A blessing of these years is the freedom to reach out to others, to do everything we can with everything in life that we have managed to develop all these years in both soul and mind for the sake of the rest of the human race.”

We owe it to the world to live our lives trying to be as healthy as we can, in order to help others around us and the generations to come.

Blessings on your remaining weeks of Lent!

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Forgiveness

“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Whenever we look back on our lives, and forward to how we’d like them to grow, we are likely to realize we need to forgive in order to continue to age gracefully. Maybe we need to let go of a past hurt. Maybe we need to forgive ourselves… or maybe God. No one who is holding a grudge or heavy guilt will age with grace.

First, we will look at forgiving others, then below consider how to forgive ourselves.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt offers suggestions to help us discover whom we need to forgive and seven steps to assist in our journey of forgiveness.

1. Remember your own need for forgiveness.
2. Pick one thing you know you ought to forgive.
3. Ask God to saturate you with his grace to help you forgive.
4. If possible, engage the offender in direct, open, honest communication. Don’t accuse, focus on how you feel. Say, “I forgive you.” (Do this in your imagination if the person isn’t available.)
5. Follow your words with some act of reconciliation—perhaps a hug, handshake, or meal together.
6. To prevent the same hurts from occurring again, keep your lines of communication open, with clear, healthy boundaries and guidelines for your relationship.
7. Learn to forgive the small things—with friends, family, or coworkers. Be a person of grace. Don’t dwell on the hurts. Recognize you are still prone to mistakes as you become the-best-version-of-yourself, just as others are.

Forgiving others is a process, not usually a one-time decision. We will possibly fail, but then can try again. Here are a few practices that help me personally:

• Acknowledge to yourself the anger and hurt you feel. If possible, voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt you.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs make their sores larger by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on them. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Letting Go of Guilt – Forgiving Ourselves

Fr. Peter Siamoo, a priest from Tanzania who studied and worked here in Portland, wrote a book called Restore Your Inner Peace: Personal Healing from Within. In Fr. Peter’s work as a counselor in hospitals and prisons, he found the inability to forgive oneself to be both prevalent and destructive. Perhaps we too have trouble letting go of our mistakes, weaknesses, and past sinfulness. Don’t we, in this study of Aging with Grace, also need to forgive ourselves?

He recommends steps:

1. Acknowledge what you’ve done.
2. Talk about it with a safe person, possibly a good friend, minister, or therapist.
3. Learn from it in order to grow and not repeat the mistake.
4. Make peace with it, not to justify the mistake but to become a wounded healer.
5. Ask for and accept forgiveness from God, who is loving and who readily forgives our transgressions when we sincerely ask for it.
6. Forgive yourself, remembering to love your neighbor as (well as) yourself.

Forgiving ourselves after a mistake is:

• An act of appreciation for God’s love and forgiveness.
• Self-love that restores our inner freedom and peace.
• A choice we make to acknowledge and accept God’s mercy and choose to treat ourselves better than what we think we deserve.
• Worth doing because we deserve a better life than carrying guilt around.
• A way of imitating God who has forgiven us, and
• Important to our being happy.
• Make amends to repair the damage and restore the relationship.

From this week on, let’s love ourselves enough to forgive ourselves… and others!

Blessings on your Lent! We’ve passed halfway!

Aging Without Fear

Max Lucado has published a little booklet called, “Imagine Your Life Without Fear.”

Of course, fear is good if it steers us away from danger. But more often, it can freeze us into inaction, keep us from helping others, or lead us to strike out in what we think is self-defense. Perhaps most of us live our lives marked with fear. The “what ifs” eat away at our peace and are another barrier to living with grace and so, aging with grace.

For some years now, I have been trying to remind myself of the Bible verse, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I even titled my first published book, “Hope and a Future.” God promises us that our future will be bright, and He will be with us. Still, we fear.

Fear takes on many appearances as we pass through life’s stages.

• Fear of loneliness: Will I find someone who will love me for my lifetime?
• Fear for our children: Are they safe? Are they loving and feeling loved?
• Fear for our livelihood: Will I be able to get/keep a job? Will I be able to provide for those who depend on me? Will my money last through my retirement?
• Fear of aging: Will I become too frail? Will I lose my memory? Will I cause my family too much anguish?
• Fear of dying: Will there be great pain? Will I be well-remembered? Will I go to heaven?

Yet, God commanded Joshua as he led his people across the Jordan to the promised land (and He continues to command us): “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

Max Lucado reminds us, Jesus tells us again and again not to fear:

• When we worry that we aren’t worth God’s love: “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”. (Matt. 10:31)
• When we worry about finances: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” (Matt. 6:25)
• When we fear God: “But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt 14:27)
• When our fear freezes us: “But Jesus came and touched them. ‘Get up,’ he said. ‘Don’t be afraid.’” (Matt. 17:7)
• When our fear makes us overuse substances to find calm: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Tim 1:7)
• When we fear global turmoil: “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come”. (Matt 24:6)
• When we fear death or the afterlife: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16)

(All Bible quotes from the New International Version)

Max Lucado invites us to imagine one day with absolutely no fear. What courageous step would we take?

Once, 16 years ago, a priest asked our congregation to ponder what we would do if we had no fear. What do we suspect we should be doing, but fear keeps us from starting? My answer was to begin to write these Lenten emails. If I had no fear, I might offer some form of this in person. I haven’t made it that far, yet, but we take small steps forward and God honors our effort. What would you do if fear didn’t keep you from acting?

Another great book title was, “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. We won’t get rid of all fear, but we can step out bravely anyway, trusting that God is at our side. Let’s face down our fears and watch them decrease as we act with courage.

She tells us five truths to help us combat those fears:

1. Fear will always be present if we continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about ourselves is to… go out and do it.
4. Not only are we going to experience fear whenever we are on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else!
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.

St. Francis de Sales said: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts.” Once we believe this, we can say, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

If this post on fear has encouraged you, read more ways to fight fear by clicking on “Fear” in the right-hand column under 4 Minutes 4 Growth.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)

I’m in a New Stage, now what? Where do I go from here?

Barbara Lee recommends we pray to discern our path and is fond of St. Ignatian spirituality. She recommends his Examen as a way to look back at a day, or any period of time, to enhance our prayer about decision making:

In the book, God Isn’t Finished with Me Yet: Discovering the Spiritual Graces of Later Life, author Barbara Lee looks at ways to figure out what our next path should be when our nest is empty, or we’ve retired from work, or are simply feeling there must be more for us still to do. She wrote the book at 80, after she had retired from her career as a lawyer and judge in order to volunteer to help immigrants learn English. She came to this stage in her life after much discernment of Spirit and offers suggestions to those seekers like herself.

1. Focus on the presence of God, then give thanks.
2. Ask for the light of the Spirit, to be aware of all the ways God is at work our lives.
3. Review the day (or period of time), looking not only for our sins and failings but also for where we have heard the promptings of the Spirit and how we have responded.
4. Ask pardon for the ways in which we have failed to respond to grace.
5. Finally, ask for the grace not merely to amend our faults but also to look forward to the future with hope. Say the Lord’s Prayer.

Decisions can be categorized as “Whether” decisions or “How” decisions. The Whether decisions – like whether to retire, downsize, or move, require that we:

1. Define the question.
2. Strive to be as detached as possible without assuming the result we prefer.
3. Ask God to move our will toward what pleases Him and makes us a better Christian.
4. List and rationally consider the advantages and disadvantages. Decide based on what seems most reasonable.
5. Bring the decision to prayer and ask God “to receive and confirm it.”

The How decisions—like how to treat an illness, care for an invalid, respond to diminished capacity, deal with our adult children, spend free time, or approach a spiritual journey as its length diminishes—can be addressed by praying with scripture (looking for words that resonate in your soul, or imagining yourself in the biblical scene to sense impressions invoked by the scene.)

With either type of decision making, we should watch for signs of spiritual desolation. Does the decision cause us anxiety, fear, and reluctance to pray? It is important, instead, to make decisions that bring us spiritual consolation, imparting peace, joy, hope, faith, and loving charity. If decision making does not come easily, she recommends keeping a spiritual journal or finding a good spiritual director.

On downsizing, the author recommends St. Ignatius’ advice on property: we should “desire to keep it or dispose of it solely according to what God our Lord will move [our] will to choose,” and we should not “desire or feel . . . strongly attached to have wealth rather than poverty.” Lee says, “We may not all have the grace to embrace the Ignatian ideal of a genuine preference for poverty, but we may still find greater clarity in distinguishing what we really need for a well-balanced life.” She also reminds us to provide for the poor and do other good works to focus on social justice and service. Lee would like us to consider the diminishment of ability as we age to be a type of poverty and a time in our lives when we can “acknowledge our total dependence on God.”

She recommends we undertake a ministry of prayer. She quotes Fr. Thomas Clarke, SJ:

If intercession, then, is the name of the game, I believe that the group best fitted to lead it is the world’s elders. We qualify for the role not through our wisdom or even through our prophetic gifts, if we have them, but through our special brand of poverty. In generational terms, it is we who are the anawim—the poor—through whom God works wonders. However reduced in physical, mental, emotional powers, and whether we are still “active” or “retired,” we can model for all that intercessory offering of “prayers, works, joys and sufferings” through which the world is graced.

The author recommends, as a kindness to our families, preplanning for our future, including choosing a health-care proxy and signing a “living will” for medical decisions, arranging for our funeral and burial, and estate planning. But also, we should leave a spiritual legacy. Consider writing about your spiritual journey or telling your faith stories to family and friends.

Finally, we need to see death as a transition to eternal life. “Instead of looking back toward what has been lost or given up, we can ask for the grace to look forward with hope to life eternal, remembering the promise of Jesus: ‘I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you.’” (John 16:22)

Lee commends the Suscipe prayer:

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will—all that I have and possess. You, Lord have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me your love and your grace, for that is enough for me.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Aging with Grace

Welcome to these 4-minute posts to explore an area of growth. This year, we look at Aging with Grace.

What does it mean to age gracefully? The word “graceful” might make men uncomfortable with an attribute usually used to define women, like a dancer with graceful, elegant moves. Rather, let’s consider the aspect of grace as a quality of goodwill and maturity. We need grace at whatever stage in life we currently struggle.

Can you think of someone who seems to have accomplished growing older in an admirable way? If you are lucky, perhaps a grandparent or parent has given you an example you’d like to emulate.

This week’s news has given us all an example. Past President Jimmy Carter, as of this writing, has entered Hospice care at his home. At 98, he is an example of a person who has aged with grace and integrity. After serving his country as president—easily seen as the peak of a career—he didn’t rest on his laurels and retire into obscurity. He continued to serve others: 40 years as a Sunday School teacher, 39+ years working with Habitat for Humanity, 70+ years as a beloved spouse, then a devoted father and patriarch. He even won a Nobel Peace Prize for his advocacy of democracy, public health, and human rights! In 2015, after fighting cancer, he said with a smile, “I am perfectly at ease with whatever comes.”

Such an attitude certainly exhibits aging with grace. We know the quality when we see it, but can we define it? It might mean different things to different people, but our examples probably have much in common. We imagine a person of good humor and integrity, who is willing to use what they’ve learned to improve the lives of others. We certainly recognize the opposite of aging with grace when we meet people who are bitter, irritable, and mindful only of themselves.

I don’t intend these emails to focus only on our oldest generation. Aging with grace begins early in life, and how we manage our early stages sets us on a road towards grace or away from it. In the book, Healing the Eight Stages of Life, authors Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant discuss Erik Erikson’s theory that each stage of our lives brings a challenge to either achieve and grow, or stagnate.

According to Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development:

• From age 0-1.5 we learn trust over mistrust and, if successful, acquire the value of hope.
• From age 1.5-3, we learn autonomy over shame and, if successful, acquire the value of will.
• From age 3-5, we learn initiative over guilt and, if successful, acquire the value of purpose.
• From age 5-12, we learn industry over inferiority and, if successful, acquire the value of competency.
• From age 12-18, we learn identity over role confusion and, if successful, acquire the value of fidelity.
• From age 18-40, we learn intimacy over isolation and, if successful, acquire the value of love. (Intimacy involves close, loving relationships.)
• From age 40-65 we learn generativity over stagnation and, if successful, acquire the value of care. (Generativity is the propensity and willingness to engage in acts that promote the wellbeing of younger generations.)
• From age 65 on, we learn ego integrity over despair and, if successful, acquire the value of wisdom. (Integrity as fully accepting oneself and coming to terms with death.)

The authors hold that we don’t necessarily move to new stages sequentially, rather the stages live on in us, making it possible to go back and heal the wounds of younger times and learn the lessons and skills we missed along the way. If we successfully learned the skill that a stage was meant to teach us, we will progress towards a happier life. If not, we can go back and learn now what we missed before. There is hope, if we are willing to let go of our woundedness and use our pain to learn in order to help others.

As an example, if we didn’t learn trust at the age when it would have been healthiest, perhaps we needed distrust to help us survive. Yet now, as adults, we can allow the hurt to heal and learn to trust when it is appropriate. If our family of origin wasn’t loving, the Dalai Lama says, “Anyone who loves you is your parent.” God wants us to be whole and healthy. Inviting Him into our injuries, we find He loves us in our woundedness and wants to heal our pain.

It is easy for us to remember our painful experiences. The authors invite us instead to think back over our lives recalling our happiest moments. Bask in those feelings of joy, from youngest childhood memories to a blessing you received yesterday. That joy can fill you today and give you hope towards tomorrow.

May God bless your week.

Betty Arrigotti

Author of Christian Love Stories, available at Amazon:

• Hope and a Future (Marriage)
• Where Hope Leads (Pre-Marriage)
• When the Vow Breaks (Family secrets)
• Their Only Hope (Standing up to evil)
• Miriam’s Joy! (Virgin Mary visits us to heal)
• Joseph’s Joy, The Family Man (St. Joseph visits to help families)