4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Relationship Myths

How are we doing? Can’t believe another week has flown by? Maybe you still haven’t read the last 4m4m post so you groaned when you saw this one? That’s ok. But your beloved is worth 4 minutes, right?

 Sometimes we have expectations of our relationships that are unrealistic, but since we don’t examine them, we don’t realize our mistakes.

Here are 10 myths that Dr. Phil McGraw writes about in Relationship Rescue,

1. A great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds. Men and women are too different to truly understand each other. Let’s accept our differences as enrichment, rather than making them sources of conflict.
2. A great relationship demands a great romance. Being in love is not like first falling in love. Emotions move in time from exciting to deep and secure.
3. A great relationship requires great problem solving. All relationships will have long term issues that will continue to be disagreed about. Let’s place the relationship above the conflict. Agree to disagree. Achieve closure on the emotions, even if we can’t find closure on the issue.
4. A great relationship requires common interests that bond us together forever. It’s not what we do, it’s how we do it. If forcing ourselves into common activities creates tension, don’t do it. Let’s enjoy what we naturally have in common.
5. A great relationship is a peaceful one. Arguing is neither good nor bad. If done in a healthy way, it can release tension and resolve problems, building a trust that we can disagree and still be close. Suppression of conflict can be destructive if it keeps issues from getting resolved. The key is to get emotional closure at the end of a disagreement so that; even if the problem isn’t solved, both find their minds and hearts in balance.
6. A great relationship lets us vent all our feelings. Many relationships are destroyed because one person could not forgive what the other said or did in anger.
7. A great relationship has nothing to do with sex. Sex provides an important time-out from life’s stress and adds closeness that is extremely important. If our sexual relationship is good, it registers about 10% on the importance scale. However, if we don’t have a good sexual relationship, it registers about 90% on the scale, taking on gigantic focus of the relationship.
8. A great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner. As long as the quirks or nuances are not abusive or blatantly destructive, we can learn to live with them.
9. There is a right way and a wrong way to make our relationship great. What is important is what works for the couple. This also holds true for how our beloved shows us love. It might not be the way we would choose, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
10.   Our relationship can become great only when we get our partner straightened out. We are jointly accountable for the current state of our relationship. Instead of waiting for our partner to change, we can and will serve ourselves much better by looking at ourselves instead of our partners.

 And speaking of looking at ourselves, Dr. Phil discusses some “bad spirits” that are destructive to our relationships and which we can change. We need to know our self-defeating nature so intimately that if it appears, we’ll be able to spot it and stop it immediately.

1. We’re scorekeepers. Partners cooperate, not compete. Focus on what we can give, not on what we are owed. Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control.
2. We’re fault finders. If we’re criticizing, we’re not praising. And if we’re criticizing, we are not connecting. We are driving our partners away.
3. We think it’s our way or the highway. Our intolerance of our partner’s initiatives or ideas puts our own ego above the welfare of the relationship.
4. We turn into attack dogs. We start out discussing an issue and end up ripping into our partner with a personal attack.
5. We are passive war mongers. We thwart our partner by constantly doing that which we deny we are doing or the exact opposite of what we say we are doing. Our passively aggressiveness is designed to control, but insidiously and underhandedly.
6. We resort to smoke and mirrors. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced isn’t real. The result is utter emotional confusion.
7. We will not forgive. When we choose to bear anger at our partner, we build a wall around ourselves.  Negativity begins to dominate our life. But by forgiving our partner, we can release ourselves.
8. We are bottomless pits. We are so needy that we consistently undermine our chances of success. Our partner is frustrated by never seeming to be able to “fill us up,” and never knows a fully functioning peaceful relationship.
9. We’re too comfortable. We don’t challenge ourselves; we don’t strive for any kind of excellence. It takes risk to keep a relationship improving.
10. We’ve given up. Often seen in an abusive relationship, this learned helplessness kills our spirit.

We’re not perfect people, so no relationship is perfect. But marriage makes us uncomfortable enough to encourage us to grow. We want to keep getting better, being more loving, and growing closer—for ourselves, for our partners, for our marriage, and for our families.

 Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more about it: McGraw, Dr. Phil (2000). Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner. Hyperion.