Grief and Depression

Today is a gloomy day and the weather seems fitting to focus on subjects as difficult as Grief and Depression. But grief is part of life, and depression is widespread and dangerous, and anything we can do to fight it, we should do. Maybe some of you are here because you love someone who is depressed, and you want to know how to help them. Maybe some of you have admitted to yourselves that you are depressed, and somehow found the energy to come, hoping for help. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask who’s who.

Depression has hit my family in the past. Some family members were adults. Some were children. I know how exhausting and difficult it can be to live with someone who is depressed. It might be part of why, as an adult, I went back to school to study counseling. Just a disclaimer, I’m not a professional therapist, and I can’t speak to you as well as someone who has years of counseling experience and a doctorate degree. But I can talk to you from my own experience, from the study I have done, and from a spiritual perspective.

Grief

Let’s start by talking about grief, a sense of sadness brought about from loss. We don’t reach our age without experiencing grief. As seniors, it is to be expected that we suffer losses.

If we are blessed with a long life, we will face many necessary losses. We lose our youth, our strength, maybe our good looks, 😉but more importantly, our dear friends, and perhaps our spouses. We lose the constant companionship of our children as they grow up and move away. Even grandchildren will eventually be too old to nestle into grandma’s lap. We will adjust over and over to new health issues, grieving the loss of pain-free joints and sharp vision or hearing or thinking, possibly relying on a cane or walker or wheelchair.

We may downsize our home, letting go of sentimental attachment to things.

I watched my mother, who worked and lived independently until she was 88, need to let go of so much in the course of a couple of years. She had to stop driving and soon after that, she moved from her own little house to our guest bedroom and gave up what treasures wouldn’t fit in our van. She left behind a lifetime of Montana friends and familiar places. When later she moved by train from my house to my brother’s home in California, she brought only two large suitcases and left the rest behind. And yet, she did all this with grace and without complaint.

Our society tends to discount us, rather than to value our experience and wisdom. If we’ve retired, we’ve lost some of our identity that we associated with our work. Perhaps we feel we’ve lost meaning.

We haven’t, of course. We gain our worth and our meaning and our identity from our God and our relationships. But we have experienced loss and therefore, grief. Grief is normal. It shows we’ve loved deeply and lived richly. It is part of living. Not a part we seek out, or want to experience, but a part of life.

In her book, Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst discusses the “loves, illusions, dependencies, and impossible expectations that all of us have to give up in order to grow.”

Viorst writes,

In the course of our life we leave and are left and let go of much that we love. Losing is the price we pay for living. It is also the source of much of our growth and gain. Making our way from birth to death, we also have to make our way through the pain of giving up, and giving up, and giving up, some portion of what we cherish.

We have to deal with our necessary losses.

Here are a few times in our lives when we had to let go, followed by what we gained by doing so:

Childhood’s End –

We give up a belief that we can be kept safe and receive instead the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices. We accept reality, and with it accept that we don’t get special treatment, absolute control, compensation for past loss, or perfect companions.

The Married State –

We learn that no person can meet all our expectations all of the time, nor can some expectations ever be met. Our spouse can’t make us be happy, heal all our hurts from the past, or fill all our needs. Those unfulfilled expectations are necessary losses in order to truly love our less-than-perfect spouses.

Letting Children Go –

In parenting we fear our imperfect love will harm our children, or we will fail to keep them safe. Facing our fallibility as parents is another of our necessary losses. We must let our children become steadily more independent and let go of them and our dreams for them. It is also through parenting that we accept that some things we wanted from our own parents we will never receive. We learn to give thanks for imperfect connections.

The Loss of Youth –

Time will repeatedly force us to relinquish our self image and move on. We travel stages of our adulthood and must move out of times of stability into times of transition. We leave youth and health behind. We lose abilities and strengths. We let go of dreams as we realize we’ll never accomplish them all. Yet we gain experience, inner depth, acceptance of others, patience, and self-control. We move from body preoccupation to body transcendence. We move from identifying ourselves by what we do or whom we parent to who we are. We can become an integrated whole, accepting our weaknesses along with our strengths.

The Loss of our Loved Ones –

Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses in our lives. We travel through and revisit stages of numbness, denial, intense emotional pain, bargaining, anger, guilt, and idealizing whom or what we lost. But as we find our way through the mourning and learn to let go of our pain, we can come to acceptance.

Accepting our Mortality –

By letting go of our pretense that we will live forever, we acknowledge the importance of the present. We live enriched lives, knowing that each day is vital. We make the most of the present to find a way to leave a legacy to the world for the future.

And in confronting the many losses that are brought by time and death, we become a mourning and adapting self, finding at every stage—until we draw our final breath—opportunities for creative transformations.

There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go.

So, there we have it. Times in our lives will hurt us. But because of that hurt we will stretch and grow and be more than we were. Like my Grandma used to say as she rocked me, “This too shall pass.”

We might regain what we lost, but more likely we will grieve and hurt and then learn something along the way. We will deepen our character. The more we grow, the greater our peace and happiness can be in this life, as well as in the next.

Marilyn Willett Heavilin, wrote Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart, to offer hard-won advice. I’ll quote just a few of her points and recommend her book highly:

  • Knowing that God cares doesn’t take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt bearable.
  • Life is never the same after a loved one dies, or you suffer some other major loss. But life can be good again—different—but good.
  • God has experienced sorrow. He, in fact, was a bereaved parent, because He, too, had a Son who suffered and died. But the exciting news is God’s Son didn’t stay dead. He conquered death for each of us so that we can have the hope of spending eternity with Him in heaven. We also can have the hope of seeing our loved ones again.
  • Don’t feel you must rush into any big decisions. Do your grief work. Give yourself time. Seek God’s heart and let Him guide you into the unique purpose He has for you.

His purpose for you, in time, will be to serve others. Yet, for now, what do we do with our grief? For a while, grief will keep us from being available to help others; we simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. (This might be the time to accept help from others.) When grief hits us hard, we can’t continue on our own. Grief can freeze us in place and threaten to make us bitter or always angry or hopeless. At these times, we must turn to another kind of Aging with Grace, beyond maintaining a positive attitude. We must let go, trusting and believing that God has a beautiful plan that sometimes comes with pain, yet is still beautiful and always loving. We must ask God for His grace, His loving strength. Then, relying on God, resting in His arms, we go on, and at some point, we begin to recognize His gifts again and know we are loved.

I’m reminded of Jesus on the night before His crucifixion. He gathered His beloved followers for one last supper. He went out into the garden, into nature. He prayed.

When his disciples were grieving after His death, they gathered together and, when the Spirit came and moved them, they went out and proclaimed His Good News. They began to share about their Savior, and they served others.

So, if we follow Jesus’ example, and that of those who knew Him best, when we grieve, we should:

  • Spend time in nature and prayer.
  • Gather with those who are supportive.
  • Share a meal with loved ones.
  • Wait on the Spirit to direct us.
  • Go out and serve others.

Serving others, making this tragedy that you mourn work somehow for the good of others, is a wonderful antidote to grief. The author I quoted above, Marilyn Willett Heavilin, lost three sons at three different times. She eventually was able to share, through writing and speaking, about her own experience with grief and how God supported her through His Word, her church community, and her friends.

When our daughter was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, my first reaction was strong denial, but eventually I accepted the diagnosis and went on to help two other women start a local support group. When depression struck members of our family, I began to study counseling, and I hope now that by using what I learned, my writing helps people through difficult circumstances.

Some people may be called to a new career or volunteer position that strives to keep others from experiencing the grief they’ve known, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving or Alcoholics Anonymous. Others may simply reach out to help their neighbors or friends through uplifting notes, or a hot dinner. Perhaps our current limitations only allow us to pray for others, yet that may be the greatest gift of our lives.

Necessary Losses teaches us, “As we near the end of our lives, we find meaning by leaving the world better for the next generation.” When you serve others, some sadness will remain, yet your struggle will gain meaning, and that can heal your heart.

Of course, aging isn’t all loss and sadness. We are still learning and growing, even in our old age. Erik Erikson, in his stages of psychological development, talks about the conflicts of being this age….

What he calls Middle-aged adults, 40 to 65 years old, struggle with the conflict between Generativity vs. Stagnation. We can focus on contributing to society and guiding the next generation, or we may feel stagnant and unproductive.

Generativity involves a desire to leave a lasting legacy, guide the next generation, and contribute to society through meaningful work, mentoring, or raising children. Individuals experiencing generativity feel useful, productive, and have a sense of accomplishment in their lives. 

Stagnation, on the other hand, involves feeling unproductive, uninvolved, and disconnected from the world. Individuals experiencing stagnation may lack a sense of purpose and feel that their work or life has little impact. 

Erikson continues to talk about older adults, aged 65 and over, and how we reflect on our lives and develop a sense of integrity, wholeness and acceptance, or experience despair and regret if we are dissatisfied with our accomplishments.

Again, key aspects of this stage include:

  • Reflection and Acceptance: Individuals at this stage look back on their lives and consider their accomplishments, relationships, and overall experiences. 
  • Sense of Integrity: Those who feel a sense of fulfillment and pride in their lives develop ego integrity, a feeling of wholeness and acceptance of their past. 

But, if individuals feel they haven’t lived a fulfilling life or have significant regrets, they may experience despair, bitterness, and a fear of death. 

Successfully navigating this stage leads to the virtue of wisdom, a sense of completeness and understanding of life’s journey leading to a peaceful acceptance of aging and death. 

Matthew Kelly, with Allen Hunt, also talks about the importance of the last quarter of our life in their book, The Fourth Quarter of Your Life. (Which he counts as living beyond 60…) They write:

“The unavoidable truth is we are going to die. Most of us are in the last quarter of our lives. To have no regrets when death comes, use your thoughts, words, choices, and actions, to close the gap between who you are today and who you are capable of being. This is the path that leads to a deeply fulfilling fourth quarter. The shortness of life is an invitation to grasp every moment and experience it fully.

Let the young have their physical beauty. Elevate your pursuits to wisdom and soul beauty. Fill your days with wisdom, live that wisdom by aging gracefully, share that wisdom with the people who cross your path, and the beauty of your soul will shine for all to see.”

They list 5 signs of a successful 4th quarter:

  • Physically active lifestyle
  • Mental stimulation
  • Social engagement
  • Meaning and Purpose
  • Spiritual vitality

And they offer 5 keys to living and dying with no regrets:

  1. Say yes to God: God invites you on a wonderful journey. When you say yes to God’s invitation, you know where you’re going.
  2. Focus on a Fourth Quarter Virtue: Pursue one particular virtue that God has specifically placed in you. Then watch it blossom in all areas of your life.
  3. Give. It. Away: The more you give things and yourself away, the happier you’ll be.
  4. Be Open to Life: Your 4th quarter can be more of a birthing than a dying. Be open to what can be.
  5. Forgive. Often: Bitter and resentful is no way to live. And it’s definitely no way to die.

A separate word about forgiving comes from a book called Healing the Eight Stages of Life. We’ve heard about Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief, but the authors believe they apply to forgiveness, too.

A person usually goes through the five stages in dying, or in unconditionally forgiving any hurt.

  • The first stage is denial, when we pretend it didn’t happen.
  • The second stage is anger, when we blame the person out there.
  • The third stage is bargaining, when we say, “I’ll forgive, only if…”
  • The fourth stage is depression when we blame ourselves.
  • And the fifth stage is acceptance, when we can be grateful not for the evil, but for how it has gifted us in many ways, especially in even being able to reach out to the person who hurt us.

The authors saw better results in a person moving through the stages if they had a significant person with whom they could share their feelings and be loved. In prayer, if we share these stages with Jesus and allow him to be a significant person for us, we’ll move automatically through the five stages.

Pope Francis, in a pamphlet called The Gifts of Aging, says the older generation can be:

  • A bridge of wisdom for the younger generations.
  • The roots of a tree that allow the young to flower and fruit.
  • The source of our families’ culture and wisdom.
  • A source of tenderness, especially to our children and grandchildren.
  • A teacher of attentiveness to those in greatest need.
  • A sharer of dreams to pass on to youth.
  • An example of gratitude.
  • A reminder to the next generation of what is most important.

Pope Francis adds:

  • We keep memory alive to share with our young.
  • We see history with clarity and pass it on.
  • Our new vocation is to preserve our roots, pass on faith to the young, and care for little ones.
  • Most importantly, we are prayer warriors for our families and communities.

Ok, that was a lot about grief, followed by the positive side of this time of life. How is grief different than depression?

Grief and depression can share some overlapping symptoms, such as sadness and loss of interest, but they are distinct experiences. Grief is a natural response to loss, while depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and other symptoms. Grief typically comes in waves and may be interspersed with positive memories, whereas depression tends to be more constant and debilitating. Furthermore, grief often involves a sense of loss and uncertainty, while depression can involve low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. 

  • Grief is a normal response to loss, while depression is a psychological disorder. 
  • Grief is a process that can fluctuate over time, while depression tends to be more persistent. 
  • Grief may be intense but can be interspersed with periods of normalcy, while depression is more pervasive and debilitating. 
  • Grief often preserves self-esteem, while depression is often associated with feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. 
  • Grief is centered on the loss and the relationship with the deceased, while depression is more personal and can involve a wide range of negative thoughts and feelings. 
  • Depression can sometimes be a complication of grief, especially if the grieving process is prolonged or complicated. 
  • If either grief or depression symptoms persist or significantly interfere with daily life, seeking professional help may be necessary. 

Again, if we accept that aging brings loss and loss brings grief, grief is a normal part of our experience.

Depression is not. Depression isn’t normal or healthy or something just to accept. Depression is abnormal. It is destructive and unnecessary and something to be fought against and worked through, not just for ourselves, but for our loved ones. Depression affects everyone who cares for the sufferer. (Read 2x)

What is depression?

Depression is a common mental disorder characterized by persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, and other symptoms that can affect daily life. It’s more than just feeling sad; it’s a serious condition that can impact a person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and overall well-being. Depression is treatable, and a combination of therapy and medication can help individuals recover.

Researchers have discovered a link between depression and other serious illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, cancer, thyroid disease, and Parkinson’s disease. A complete physical and lab work may be an essential part of the diagnostic assessment for clinical depression

Let’s talk first about the most commonly experienced type of depression that I’m going to call overt depression.

Some of the most common signs and symptoms of overt depression are:

  • Feelings of sadness, guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness
  • Insomnia or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability or restlessness
  • Loss of interest in or enjoyment of activities or relationships previously enjoyed
  • Change in appetite, often resulting in over- or under-eating
  • Low energy
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • And sadly, Thoughts of suicide

What does it look like? Different people express their depression in different ways.

  • Sadness
  • Anger
  • Lack of emotion
  • Lack of energy
  • Hopelessness even to the point of suicidal ideation

What causes it?

  • Brain chemical imbalance which can be brought on by…
  • Prolonged stress
  • Catastrophic events
  • Some medical conditions
  • Sleep disorders
  • Genetic predisposition

Those are the typical descriptions of overt depression.

But some depression, in fact in men, possibly most depression, can be covert. Instead of observing the person’s sadness, we may instead see anger, or violence, or addiction. In our society, men are often raised to separate themselves from what might be considered “feminine” behaviors or feelings.

A book called, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by family counselor Terrence Real, talks about men and how being raised in our society can damage men from the time they are little boys. They are supposed to distance themselves from their mothers, who have been their source of love and safety until they are three or four. Then, suddenly, they’re made to feel weak if they want to be with them or if they look for their mom’s attention. Their dads, if they are around, may try to teach them they’re supposed to be tough and strong and not have feelings.

Boys are discouraged from expressing their pain. They are supposed to endure it, or ignore it. And they are supposed to be strong enough to deal with troubles on their own, without help. At least, those are the messages many boys take in. They aren’t encouraged or shown how to express or discuss feelings like shame. So, they bury it. Or they compensate for it with aggression or addiction. And even more sadly, they often pass on their depression to their sons.

Unfortunately, according to this book, young men might succeed at stuffing feelings down until they don’t even know they’re there. Then they become adults, and two things happen. On the one hand, women suddenly want them to be in touch with feelings that they’ve disowned for twenty some years. On the other, the only feeling some seem to be able to pull out in times of stress is anger. It’s as if they traded all the range of emotions—from tenderness and love to frustration and fear. They traded them all away and are only left with anger.

Depression in men often goes unrecognized because they don’t demonstrate the obvious deep sadness that overt depression expresses. Covert depression can be well hidden for years, but at a cost. A man who has experienced his own father’s depression can grow up with a sense of shame that he works valiantly to hide. He can’t face the pain of a traumatic or neglected childhood, so he masks it.

Unfortunately, often that shame is covered up by means of self-medicating, like through alcohol or drugs. He uses a substance or an experience to numb the pain. He might use a different addiction, like sex or violence, work or food, or lose himself in TV or video games. These crutches keep him from feeling, but they also keep him from loving and from intimacy. If they lose their crutch of choice, say they work to become sober, without the addiction crutch they begin to feel the pain of their past, and usually they’ll find another way to avoid the pain. Such men need a dual diagnosis of addiction and depression. They need to end the addiction before they can work on the depression, and ending the addiction takes away the defenses that kept the pain at bay.

Men who don’t know how to deal with the trauma of a childhood of neglect or violence, often compensate, or over-compensate, for the shame they can’t let themselves feel, by finding a way to become grandiose. They’ll become overachievers, or bullies, or find ways to prove themselves better than others, but are unable to connect to people who love them, or even to connect to their inner selves.

So, what’s the answer for them? Terrance Real, believes that the way out of depression is through grief. They may have to feel the pain and confront it and begin to process their painful experiences in order to heal. They’ll need a professional to help them through the process.

There are, however, things we can do for ourselves or our loved ones who are suffering from depression.

With either covert or overt depression, Self-help strategies for fighting depression for sufferers and loved ones include:

Physical strategies

             Exercise – movement raises our endorphins.

             Time Outdoors in fresh air

Diet – healthier eating

             More regular sleep schedules can help

Social strategies

  • Social support of family and friends or a trusted minister –
  • People who are depressed or grieving need someone who they can talk to who isn’t judgmental, who they feel safe with. It might help to have someone to exercise with so that they are accountable, making it harder to skip. At one point, my daughter and I set aside a time each evening for us to walk and let her talk about her sadness. She knew she would be heard and could wait until then. I think it put parameters around her feelings.
  • (If you don’t feel like you have social support, maybe attend the Senior Luncheon – there’s nice people and good food!)

Spiritual strategies include

             Meditation, prayer, calming exercises

             Plus, we all need to foster a “Gratitude Attitude” and count our blessings.

It sounds simple, right? Just exercise more, get outdoors, eat well, sleep well, find friends to talk to, pray more, concentrate on feeling grateful. We know all these things will definitely be helpful, but….

             Sadly, Depression steals away our energy and self-discipline and makes it very difficult for a sufferer to force him or herself to take advantage of these self-help strategies.

If it were just up to the sufferers, and if they were just trying to benefit themselves, depression’s lack of energy might make it seem nearly impossible. But if the person can realize that their efforts benefit their families and their loved ones, they might find the determination to become superheroes and step up to the challenge. What they can’t do for themselves, they may be able to do for their loved ones, for the next generation, or for their God. Even the sufferers whose depression is rooted in their childhood, can break the chain so that they don’t pass it on to their children or grandchildren.

If the depressed person has tried self-help strategies and hasn’t been able to keep them up, or if they haven’t helped, it’s time for professional help. Maybe you’ve nagged and encouraged and cajoled someone who is depressed to no avail.

Or maybe that loved one has had thoughts or signs of self-harm, then it is definitely time for professional help.

You need professional help when

  • A severely depressed person has progressed to the point of being suicidal. If you or your loved one is having thoughts of self harm. If you imagine yourself stepping out into traffic..
  • if they talk about the world being better off without them,
  • if they begin to give away their prized possessions,
  • or talk about death…

…it is critical that they get professional help. Suicide is an all-too-common risk of depression. Thoughts of self-harm, especially if the person begins forming a plan, are an emergency and the person should be taken to a hospital.

But here’s the good news, depression is very treatable! Professional strategies will include talk therapy , such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where a therapist will help you explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. They’ll encourage you to challenge the validity of your thoughts, overcoming negative thinking and facing your fears. Does everyone really dislike you? Are you really bad at everything? Are you really worthless? Helpless? Hopeless? Then new thoughts can bring about new feelings and behavior.

Professional strategies may possibly include medication. There are many antidepressants today, and even if the first one tried doesn’t work, or has unpleasant side effects, there are many more options. (One of my family members needed to try two. One tried 12, but the 12th worked wonders!)

There should be no shame in getting the treatment that our bodies need. We wouldn’t refuse insulin if we were diabetic. Medication, combined with professional therapy, can make a huge difference and can release people from the prison of their sadness, helping them to become the best version of themselves.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has helped. I hope you persevere until you find help.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more deathor mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Rev 21:4

Resources

Medicare covers many mental health services to support you, including depression screenings, individual and group therapy, and family counseling. You may be able to get mental health counseling and treatment, including addiction recovery, from home via telehealth.

Books I referred to:

Roses in December: Comfort for the Grieving Heart by Marilyn Willett Heavilin

What Pope Francis Says About the Gifts of Aging: 30 Days of Reflections and Prayers, pamphlet by Deborah McCann

The Fourth Quarter of Your Life, by Matthew Kelly and Allen Hunt

Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst

I Don’t Want to Talk About It, by Terrence Real

Healing the Eight Stages of Life, by Matthew Linn, Dennis Linn, and Sheila Fabricant

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks, by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD

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categories Aging with Grace, Hard Times, Uncategorized | | datetime May 22, 2025 12:21 pm

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