Healthy Family

This week we concentrate on aspects of a healthy family.
First, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

• In the John Powell, S.J., timeless book, Unconditional Love: Love without Limits, he holds that unconditional love must be the basis of family life. Though we all fall short at times, loving without preconditions should be our goal—the type of love we continually strive to achieve and maintain. Unconditional love says, “No matter what, I will not reject you. I’m committed to your growth and happiness. I will always love you.”
• Powell reminds us that love is not a feeling, but rather a decision and a choice.
• Unconditional love says: I will love you; I will encourage you by helping you to be aware of your strengths, and when necessary, I will challenge you to grow.
• Sometimes unconditional love must be tough love, when truly wanting what is best for someone’s growth and happiness means not giving them what they want, but rather what is essential.
• Unconditional love is liberating. It frees the loved one to be authentic and real.

 
I think most people would agree that our children deserve unconditional love. It gets harder, though, when we turn it around. Shouldn’t we love our parents unconditionally, too? They weren’t perfect, but neither are we. And, what about our siblings? Or those family members who aren’t healthy to be around? Sadly, boundaries must sometimes be raised to protect our emotional well-being. Yet, for spiritual and emotional health, unconditional love calls us to endeavor to forgive the wrongs of the past, even if from a distance. That way, if the family member ever makes changes for the better, we will be ready to reconnect.
 
It follows that loving unconditionally requires FORGIVENESS.

In the book, Everyone Needs to Forgive Somebody, Allen Hunt enjoins us to make a conscious decision to be a forgiver. Those who forgive benefit from

• a better immune system
• lower blood pressure
• better mental health
• lower anger, anxiety, and depression
• more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships than those unable to forgive.

 
We can’t experience complete joy if we feel either betrayed or guilty. In both cases, healing won’t be complete until we forgive and are forgiven. The two are connected. In the Our Father, Jesus teaches us to ask: Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Matthew 6:12
 
Why does Jesus tell us to forgive? Is it to add another burden to our struggle? No, He wants us to be happy, and we cannot be fully at peace when we are angry with someone and feeling a grudge. Our negativity blocks the bounty of graces that He longs to pour onto us. Bitterness cannot occupy the soul at the same time as God’s grace.

If we truly accept and appreciate and believe God forgives us, our spirits are so filled, so lightened, that we have no need of grudges. Bitterness simply won’t fit or coexist with our cleansed spirit. How can we, while knowing how good God is to forgive our mistakes and even our deliberate wrongdoing, not offer the same to others?
 
How can we forgive others?

• Decide to forgive and then refuse to dwell on the injury when it comes to mind.
• Be mindful of our own weaknesses and mistakes and God’s mercy. Ask Him to give us the grace to forgive.
• Consider the other’s challenges that affected the behavior. Was his childhood difficult? Did she have a hard day? Maybe they are struggling to do the best they can.
• Actively seek out and focus on the offender’s strengths and goodness.
• Don’t cherish a grudge. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself doing this and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver. Put the trouble in God’s hands, ask God to heal them, and then let go.

 
How can we ask for forgiveness?
Years ago, I copied a formula for apology from JoEllen at http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/ and I find it to be a wonderful lesson for children (and adults.)
 
An apology is most effective when we follow 4 steps and say:

1. I’m sorry for…: Be specific. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you really understand what they are upset about.
2. This is wrong because…: This might take some more thinking, but this is one of the most important parts. Until you understand why it was wrong or how it hurt someone’s feelings, it’s unlikely you will change. This is also important to show the person you hurt that you really understand how they feel. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this makes! Sometimes, people want to feel understood more than they want an apology. Sometimes just showing understanding–even without an apology–is enough to make them feel better! 
3. In the future, I will…: Use positive language, and tell them what you WILL do, not what you won’t do.
4. Will you forgive me? This is important to try to restore your friendship. Now, there is no rule that the other person must forgive you. Sometimes, they won’t. That’s their decision. Hopefully, you will all try to be the kind of friends who will forgive easily, but that’s not something you automatically get just because you apologized. But you should at least ask for it.

 
 
Third, we consider TRAITS OF A HEALTHY FAMILY
In Traits of a Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, she writes a healthy family:

1. Communicates and listens
2. Fosters table time and conversations
3. Affirms and supports one another
4. Teaches respect for others
5. Develops a sense of trust
6. Has a sense of play and humor
7. Has a balance of interaction among members
8. Shares leisure time
9. Exhibits a sense of shared responsibility
10. Teaches a sense of right and wrong
11. Has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound
12. Has a shared religious core
13. Respects the privacy of one another
14. Values service to others
15. Admits to and seeks help with problems

 
To summarize, to build strong families, we offer our family a lifetime of

• striving to love them unconditionally,
• forgiving them for their mistakes and
• asking forgiveness for our own,
• but always trying again to love, encourage, and challenge each other to be the best we each can be.

My favorite suggestion for growing a healthier family is Matthew Kelly’s concept that the key to thriving relationships is carefree timelessness. By this he means spending time with people without an agenda, simply to enjoy their company. “No matter what the relationship, whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, friend to friend, or person to God, increase carefree timelessness and it will deepen.”


Happy St. Patrick’s Day next week! A bit of Irish wisdom for you: “Having somewhere to go is home, having someone to love is family, having both is a blessing.”