Grandparents – Listening and Forgiveness

6. Grandparents – Listening & Forgiveness

Listening

One of the blessings of grandparenting, especially after retirement, is we have the gift of time. We are able to stop and listen to our grandchildren. It’s a wonderful experience to be heard, to have someone pause what they are doing, make eye contact, and give us their full attention. We can and should do that for everyone, but especially children. They need the connection that true listening brings. I know it is tempting to nod while they talk and carry on with what we are doing, but like we were taught to do at railroad crossings, to stop, look, and listen is a simple, yet powerful gift. You know when people aren’t giving you their full attention. So do your grandchildren. If you hope to be their confidant, really listen every time they talk to you.

Being their confidant can be complicated. Still, it is an important lesson for children to learn that talking about their problems can be the beginning of finding a solution. They may ask you not to tell their parents what they are about to say. Assure them that you will keep their words to yourself, unless someone is in danger. If what they say must be relayed to a parent, encourage them to do so, and offer to be with them when they do.

However, usually our task of listening is less serious. It’s more a matter of attending to what matters to them. And my, they do chatter so rapidly sometimes! Or two or three of them try simultaneously. If you are struggling to make clarity out of their words, it might be time to set pride aside and have your hearing tested. Or, as my children used to say, “listen faster!”

Listening to another is a true gift to them. So is forgiving.

Forgiveness

Last week our deacon talked about the myth of Redemptive Violence, our human nature’s reaction to being wronged. It feels momentarily so good to release our righteous anger and strike back, or give the silent treatment, or break off all communication. After all, they hurt us!

Yet, Jesus didn’t do that. Tortured and being slowly murdered, He said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Our loved ones, our family, hurt us, too. Sometimes over and over. But how can we ask God’s forgiveness without forgiving them?

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy–seven times.” (Matthew 18:22)

Perhaps your child has rejected your faith, or advice, or upbringing. Maybe they’ve brought you humiliation. Alternatively, perhaps you have hurt your child in the past and felt too righteous, or even too ashamed to ask for forgiveness. Either break in your connection undoubtedly affects your relationship with your grandchildren, maybe even prohibiting it.

In The Catholic Grandparents Handbook, Lorene Hanley Duquin states, “When we seek forgiveness, we admit that we were wrong, we accept responsibility for what we have done, and we learn from the experience so that we don’t make the same mistake again. When we forgive, we acknowledge that we have been hurt, but we choose to let go of anger, resentment, and negative thoughts that can harden our hearts and make us bitter. Chances are, your grandchildren are already learning powerful lessons about forgiveness—not by anything you’ve said, but by how you’ve dealt with difficult situations in your own life.” (p.116-117)

Lent is an opportunity for us to examine our consciences. Maybe it is time to forgive and be more like the loving father than the elder brother of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-32) Open your arms (and heart) and run to your loved one, either asking forgiveness or granting it.

Here are steps that help me when I’m struggling to let go of bitterness or resentment:

• Acknowledge the anger and hurt we feel, at least to ourselves. If possible, we should voice it calmly right away to the person who hurt us.
• Don’t continue to “lick the wound.” Dogs can reopen an injury by doing this, and so do we when we dwell or obsess on wrongs. Practice “thought stopping” when you find yourself ruminating and instead—
• Pray for the person who hurt you. Place them in God’s care. Remind yourself you want to be a forgiver.

Duquin continues, “Forgiveness is not always easy. But it is always the right thing to do. It is one of the most important lessons your grandchildren will ever learn, because it is closely connected to the ability to love and be loved.” (p. 121)

One of my daughters is actively teaching her preschool children how to apologize and forgive. She overheard this conversation:

5-year-old son: I’m so, so sorry.

3-year-old daughter:  Do I forgive you?

5-year-old son: Yes. You do.

If only it were that easy, right?

But we could learn a lot from Saint (Mother) Teresa and her Humility List:

Prayers for you during Holy Week,

Betty