Grandparenting Challenges

Danger zones lurk for grandparenting today. You might be tempted to think, “Well, if it was good enough for my kids…,” but being willing to make some changes will help your children feel more comfortable about their little ones being with you.

Safety –

• We can all be open to doing things differently, especially if it protects our grandchildren. Accidents happen, but let’s do anything we can to avoid them.
• Babies are never put to bed on their tummies. If you are my age, we worried a baby on his or her back might spit up and choke, but doctors have found simply putting babies to bed on their backs can greatly reduce the chance of a SIDS death.
• Allowing no blankets (or any items) in the crib prevents entanglement or an older baby from being able to step up and fall out. Go ahead and quilt, knit, or crochet a special blanket; they can still be put down for floor time or wrap your precious bundle in your arms. By the time they toddle, they may even have adopted your gift as their security “lovey.”
• Most of the cribs we used for our children are considered unsafe, either from bars being spaced too widely and possibly trapping a baby, or a drop-side failing and causing a fall. Invest in something new.
• Find out if parents expect plates to be emptied at a meal. Some feel it leads to eating issues later.
• Helmets are an expected part of skating, or scooter and bike riding.
• Keep your medications out of sight, out of reach, and preferably locked away.
• Consider what is under your sink or in drawers or cabinets in bathrooms where young children might be left alone while they “try.”
• Mentally review your home. You might want to install baby gates, outlet covers, drawer locks, etc. Your children will appreciate your effort, and you’ll all rest easier during their visits.

Respect –

• Parents are the deciders. Follow their wishes whether it be sugar intake or talking about your religion. If they don’t want you to share your faith, don’t. You can still be prayer warriors for your children and grandchildren.
• Never bad-mouth or even subtly disapprove of your grandchildren’s parents or any relatives. Try not to disparage anyone, for that matter.
• Encourage the children to speak respectfully about and to their elders. Listen to their complaints and then give them more respectful ways to say what they think.
• Think back on things your grandparents said that would make you cringe to hear today. Some of our common phrases might now be seen as disrespectful. Ask your children what you say that they wish you wouldn’t. Even things that are meant innocently such as “Going Dutch,” can cause insult and shouldn’t be perpetuated.
• Grandparenting gives one an opportunity to interact without the challenge of discipline, assuming the parent is present to take that role. However, if you are babysitting, you are the substitute disciplinarian and should not try to be the friend. We aren’t doing the child any favors if we let bad behavior slip by uncorrected. That said, your earlier style of discipline may not be appreciated today. No spanking, even if your children “turned out fine.” Talk to the parents about what discipline measures they prefer, such as time out or lost privileges.
• It isn’t a competition with the other grandparents. Your grandchildren will still love you even if you can’t or choose not to afford to buy as many toys, clothes, or goodies as others do. Toys don’t last, but children will remember the quality time you spent with them. Our children can be easily overwhelmed by “stuff” even if wonderful gifts are so fun to buy! (Yes, I’m guilty here.)

Fairness –

• It isn’t unheard of that grandparents find they have favorite grandchildren. Perhaps they live closer and are seen more often, or their personality better fits with the grandparent’s. But it should never be obvious to the other grandchildren. Treat them all the same, whether with gifts or time and attention.
• Step-grandchildren should be loved and treated equally to those born to the family. It takes a little more work to get to know children who have joined the family by marriage, but they are worth it! Of course, the same goes for adopted grandchildren.
• If one set of grandchildren lives away, work to stay connected. This brings us to a common challenge, especially during COVID when over and over we hear grandparents say they miss their grandchildren’s hugs the most.

Distance –

• Learn to handle whatever way your grandchildren communicate best. Go with their choice. Text if they text. Call them on FaceTime if they have their own phones. Perhaps they prefer audio calls because they aren’t comfortable with seeing themselves onscreen. Have questions ready to ask. Email them a good joke you heard. Share what your day will hold and ask them about theirs. If you need help learning about technology, ask your children or grandchildren to teach you.
• Everyone still loves a personal letter. Write to them. Tell them about how you are filling your time when home, or about your work if you are still employed. But more importantly, ask them about their interests and friends and school.
• Send care packages. If you make the best cookies and they haven’t been able to travel since COVID began, you can be sure they’d love to receive some in the mail. If you send “just because” gifts, be sure to include something for each child.
• Have inexpensive items shipped to them so they know you are thinking about them, perhaps a book in a series they enjoy. Their parents can help with choices.
• Remember their important days: birthdays, recitals, game days, religious milestones, or first dates.
• When it is safe, go visit! Or if travelling is difficult for you, help finance them visiting you.

Communication –

• Encourage your children to be open with you about how you could improve your grandparenting. It might hurt your feelings, and it takes humility to accept that we need to change, but that’s what life is about. We strive to become better people and thus, we grow.

The real question . . . is not where our children are physically, or whom they are with at any given time, but rather where they are existentially, where they stand in terms of their convictions, goals, desires, and dreams. Pope Francis Amoris Laititia, 261

Praying for you this week!

Betty