4 Marriage Destroyers

What happens between the starry-eyed wedding day and months or years later when a couple might barely speak to each other? Most likely the couple has allowed four destructive habits to develop, which Dr. John Gottman, a professor in the Psychology Department at University of Washington, believes lead to the destruction of a marriage. In his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, And How You Can Make Yours Last, he calls these destructive habits the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like the horsemen in the final book of the Bible, these four behaviors announce the beginning of the end. Practice them often enough and relationships will die.

The Four Horsemen:

1. Criticism – Ladies, Gottman says we are the ones who usually bring this first destructive force into our relationships. Are we just supposed to ignore our spouses’ thoughtlessness? No. When we are upset or frustrated by their behavior, it is completely fair, and even constructive, to point out our reaction with specific complaints about a specific instance. Complaints can be productive when they are heard, and a considerate partner makes changes because of them. They become destructive when they are no longer about a specific time, but instead become: “You ALWAYS…” or “You NEVER…” or “You SHOULD…” or when we stack up the complaints, “Not only did you leave the car in my way, you came home late, didn’t ask how my day went, and didn’t notice all that I’ve done around here.” When you complain, you are addressing one specific behavior. When you criticize, you are attacking the person.

2. Contempt – We must keep working on reducing criticism because if it isn’t eradicated, it can deteriorate into contempt, which differs from criticism in its intent to insult and hurt our spouse. Can you imagine a perturbed wife doing an exaggerated eye-roll? We see them in sitcoms and laugh, but such body language makes it clear we have lost our admiration for our partner and are feeling contempt, also exhibited by insults, name calling, hostile humor, and sarcasm.

3. Defensiveness – Faced with criticism or contempt, a spouse might respond by taking on the attitude of innocent victim. The problem with defensiveness is it exacerbates negativity. Rather than acknowledging a problem so that it can be worked out to improve the marriage, it derails any chance for a positive exchange. It stops constructive communication and leaves trouble unresolved. We want so badly to prove we are right that we sacrifice our own and our spouses’ happiness.

4. Stonewalling – A question for the gentlemen: Does even thinking about arguing with your wife raise your heart rate? You’re not alone. In an argument, men can easily become flooded with adrenaline and feel a need to shut down. They give up and check out emotionally. They stonewall. Another type of stonewalling happens by choice and can even become a habit. He (or she) decides arguing doesn’t work, so chooses to disconnect. Either they stop responding at all, or their responses have nothing to do with the disagreement, or they storm out of the room. One version is the silent treatment. Disengaging from communication keeps anything from being resolved.

To fight the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse in your marriage:

If relationship success could be boiled down to a bare minimum, it might be this: we want love and respect. We promised on our wedding day to love and honor, but criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling break that vow. If we could live up to our promise, our married lives would be much happier.

Let’s fight the destructive forces!

1. Remember last week’s kindness steps? Stop negativity. Tone of voice can be very intimidating. Keep yours calm. Express honest admiration daily. A simple “thank you” can reopen communication. Be generous with your compliments and words of encouragement. Do some kind service for your spouse. It might be hard when contempt has blocked our awareness of the good qualities of our spouses, but remember, we all need love and respect. A gentle hug, a little gift, or a sink full of dishes washed can do wonders for any of us.
2. Replace criticism with simple complaints that state your feelings about one specific behavior, without blame. “I felt X when you did Y. I’d rather you did Z.”

3. Stonewallers, reassure yourselves, “I can do this. I love my spouse and am willing to make changes to keep this marriage healthy. We’ll get through this and be stronger for it.” Take a break, if you need one. Tell your spouse when you’ll be able to continue the discussion. Take deep, calming breaths. Go for a walk or exercise to process the adrenaline. You may have thought you were avoiding fights by your lack of response, but actually you were avoiding resolution. Be the hero, the knight, but don’t hide behind a suit of armor. Reach out and connect.

4. Those who live with stonewallers should realize that they must back off before their spouse hits the point of disengaging out of self-defense. Both should try to de-escalate the argument by touch or humor or words of encouragement. “Honey, I love you and I need a break to cool down.” 

When we most want to turn our backs is when we must turn our hearts back toward each other.

We must actively block the four horsemen that destroy a chance at a happy marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Bible verses to ponder:

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekial 36:26 RSV)

“Do not return evil for evil or reviling for reviling; but on the contrary, bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9 RSV)