4 Minutes B4 Marriage – Ready?

Welcome to “4 Minutes B4 Marriage!”

 Some of you may be already in a serious relationship and talking about marriage. Congratulations on your conscientious consideration of the decision to marry! Good for you for taking time away from your wedding or honeymoon dreams to consider the health of your marriage.

Others might be thinking ahead for when the right person comes along. Good for you for working to be ready for a healthy relationship.

Since the strength of any whole depends on the quality of its parts, the strength of a marriage depends on the maturity and wholeness of both people. Let’s start with a look at ourselves. To be fair to our future spouse, we must ask ourselves, “Am I ready to be part of a committed, lifelong relationship?” We’ll break that question down further:

 Am I ready to make someone’s needs as important to me as my own needs?

• Can I place a beloved’s needs ahead of my wants?
• Or others’ wants on the same level of importance to me as my own?
• If I were to become a parent sooner than expected, am I ready?

Do I accept responsibility for my:

Emotional well-being

• Am I participating in my relationships with a sense of personal strength, rather than neediness?
• Do I rely on others to entertain me, console me, validate me, or can I do those things for myself?
• Do I have areas I know I can grow in, but basically like myself?
• Can I handle my anger constructively?

Spirituality

• How is my relationship with God?
• Do I have a faith community or a strong group of family and friends to offer support in difficult times?
• Do I attend church whether I have someone to accompany me or not?

Health

• Do I take care of my health adequately so that others don’t worry about me?
• Do I make safe choices to protect my health?
• If something goes wrong, am I willing to reach out for help?
• Can I recognize signs of depression in myself and get help if necessary?

Contribution to society

• Do I volunteer as a means of sharing some of the blessings I’ve received?
• Do I respect my community’s laws?

Behavior

• Do I avoid chemical influences on my judgment, whether drugs or excessive alcohol?
• Am I sensitive to other’s feelings and treat everyone with respect?

Finances

• Am I bettering myself with education and/or work experience so that I could support myself if necessary?
• Am I living within my means?

Past

• Is my relationship with my parents troubled? How might that affect my marriage?
• Have I spent some independent time so that I am not moving directly from my parents’ care to someone else’s?
• Am I working to come to terms with any childhood traumas, not expecting my beloved to heal them?
• Have I healed from wounds from previous relationships, or do they affect my current relationship still?

In general, am I ready to be the type of person I would like to be married to?

This email can be read in about 2 minutes. Of course it will take longer if you seriously consider each question. But wait! That’s not all! After you have thought about your answers, if you are in a serious relationship, reread each question and answer it as honestly as you can about your beloved. Next, think about whether (s)he would answer these questions differently about you?

Granted, no one is perfectly mature. We work in the grey areas of “good enough but working to get better.” However, we need to be able to honestly look at ourselves and decide if we are “ready enough” or if we could use more time, or perhaps some personal counseling to be better prepared. Our weaknesses will cause trouble in our marriage. Conversely, the more mature we are, the stronger our part of the marriage will be.

 My prayers are with you,

Betty Arrigotti