Calm at Home and Work

For overwhelmed readers, I’ll make this easy to skim – mostly lists. Read down and mark which ideas strike home for you. Work on the one that seems most important. (How to break habits is a bonus for those who read all the way through.)

We can calm our home and work life through organization and limit-setting:

HOME/KIDS :

Organization

• Keep a family calendar that all can see and check it nightly.
• Every member can work together to share the responsibilities of family life. Delegate, especially to kids so they learn responsibility and grow in self-confidence.
• Declutter. A cluttered environment makes it hard to relax. Put away. Give away. Throw away. Simplify. Start with one room that you then maintain each time you leave it. You’ll be amazed how much more time you’ll want to spend in the tidy room. (Admission– I only manage to keep one room always tidy, but I love stepping into or walking past that room. I have hope the enjoyment will help me expand the pleasure.)
• Clear your desk and the dining and kitchen tables daily.
• Handle repetitive tasks right away rather than postpone them. Fold the clothes when they come out of the dryer. Put the dirty dish right into the dishwasher. Make the bed as you get out of it.

Boundaries

• No screens allowed at meals. Phones down at other agreed upon occasions, like during family time.
• Homework must be done before television or other entertainment screen time.
• Don’t automatically turn on the TV or radio. Choose consciously what you will watch and hear.
• Limit children’s activities (and your chauffeuring.) No one wants to be overextended, especially children.
• Limit your own commitments so you have a reasonable balance of work, play, and rest.
• Don’t allow shouting. And don’t shout. Let your home be a place of calm sounds.
• Enforce healthy bedtimes, study times, and family time. Structure is calming.
• Limit caffeine and stimulants, such as chocolate, coffee, tea, ice cream, some pain relievers, some cold medicines, and intense TV programs and video games.

WORK :

Organization

• Plan tomorrow’s tasks today. Prioritize by A, B, and C.
  • A – tasks are urgent. Do them first, but re-evaluate if you spend all day on urgency. Ignoring tasks can make them become urgent when they should have been dealt with earlier.
  • B – tasks are important. Do them next.
  • C – tasks are appealing. Use them as rewards after A and B are done.
• Delegate. Share your knowledge and train others to do what you do.
• See if you can find ways to work smarter, rather than harder.
• If you aren’t an organized person, take a class or ask for advice. Learn how to become organized.
• Get up earlier so that you don’t start your day rushing. (Which means go to bed earlier, too.)
• Self-discipline is critical. Do things ahead of time. Finish what you start. Don’t ignore the unpleasant tasks. If you are procrastinating, do the unpleasant first, then you don’t dread it all day.
• Clear your workspace before you leave. Even if it is to an “in process” drawer. You can start fresh tomorrow.

Boundaries

• Set goals. Don’t automatically put other’s goals ahead of your own. Be a team player, but be assertive about your own needs, too.
• If work is a source of stress that is unbearable, look for other options: talk to superiors or peers about managing and reducing stress, consider changing employers, or even the type of work you do, if necessary. Tackle the problem, don’t just accept it.
• If you cannot change your situation, you can change your attitude. Work hard all day but leave the worry behind when you leave work. Learn to not take others’ unkindness personally. Consciously start each day fresh, without brooding on yesterday or borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

POLITICAL CALM:

• Trust in God who is in charge. Pray for our city, state, country, and world.
• Listen to the other side. Strive to understand what got them to this point. What are their fears and struggles? Is there a way you can help them?
• Don’t respond from fear but from strength and with respect.
• Take action when you feel called to it, but use positive measures, not rebellion or belittling.

What if these changes don’t come naturally?

Aids to break/change/add a habit:

• Become more aware of what you want to change. When does it happen? What are the triggers? When is temptation the worst?
• Work at one change, intently, for at least 30 days and until you are successful before you redirect your attention.
• Remind yourself several times a day of the change you want. Use post-it notes, repeat your goal before each meal, or hang visuals of the change you’d like to see.
• Replace an old habit with something that can’t coexist with the old, like chewing gum rather than biting nails, or taking the dog for a walk rather than flopping into the recliner.
• Don’t try to change too much at once. Focus. Take baby steps.
• Remove temptation and triggers.
• Recall frequently the benefits of the change.
• Set a goal that is measurable and a time that is reasonable. I will (what), (when), (how often.)
• Break large changes down into small, doable steps.
• Join forces with someone. Be accountable to each other.
• Socialize with people who have the good habit you want.
• When you slip, get right back on track. Don’t condemn yourself and don’t give up.

Philippians 4: 6-8

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

The Eye of the Storm

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Find your calm.

Sometimes we have a right to feel overwhelmed. We are bombarded with responsibilities, or challenges, or trouble. It’s as if we are swept up in a tornado. At times like those, we need to strive to get to the eye of the storm. Some call it centering.

It doesn’t need to be for long, but for our health and sanity, we need to find a way to that peaceful place. Maybe you have a favorite place you can imagine that always makes you feel better: the ocean, a meadow, a mountain view, or on the shore of a lake. Picture yourself in that place and breathe slowly. Next picture God there with you. Just sit a moment with Him. Or talk to Him and tell Him how hard things are right now. Imagine sliding a huge backpack off and letting Him hold it for you.

I’ve heard doctors tell children to imagine a pain machine with all its lights lit. Then the children picture themselves turning down, one by one, the controls that reduce the pain. They watch the flashing lights slow, and one by one, go out.

Some people need to expend energy with a brisk walk or a fast run, or even jumping jacks right where they are. Some find that a particular type of music helps them detach from their escalating emotions.

I’ve heard of therapists who ask people in the throes of a panic attack to count 5 things they can see, then 4 that they can touch, then 3 that they can hear, then 2 that they can smell, and one they can taste. This reconnects people to where they are right now, rather than reliving a past trauma, or obsessing about a future what if.

We need to find ways to move ourselves out of a hurricane-like situation and into a place of calm. If you are a caretaker, you can’t stay there long, but even a few moments will help you feel better.

Even before we have mastered claiming some peacefulness for ourselves, it is possible to…

Be someone else’s calm.

As you learn to soothe yourself, you can become the eye of the storm for others. You can be a soft resting place, a source of encouragement, a soothing person to visit. This world desperately needs people who can bring calm and reason to a situation.

Where do you start?

Not by telling someone to calm down. Particularly in the work place, a man telling a woman to calm down can come across as very patronizing. There are times when anyone, man or woman, is justified to be passionate. Being told to calm down makes a person feel belittled.

Instead, stop and hear what the upset person is saying. Being thoroughly listened to can go a long way towards defusing a difficult situation. Even with children, a demand to calm down without an effort to acknowledge their frustration will only increase the upset. Yes, children need to learn to control themselves. Otherwise, their two-year-old tantrums will become a serious problem when they are teenagers. But hear what they are saying, teach them how to name their feelings, and then how to express them constructively.

Ask an obviously frightened person what needs to change to feel safe. If possible, help him or her change it.

Resist any temptation to judge or criticize. Enough people in the world are ready to pour negativity into others’ lives. A person must feel safe and respected before they can learn from your experience. For now, simply be their safe place. Simply the knowledge that someone else is nearby and willing to help can make a significant difference. Maybe later you can offer them advice or very gentle suggestions, but it won’t be accepted until you have their trust and they know you value them just as they are.

It is especially difficult to bring calm to a situation when someone is angry with you. Particularly someone you care deeply about. My Grandma used to say, “When people are the hardest to love is when they need love the most.” My first reaction to someone being angry at me is to be angry in return. Of course, that doesn’t accomplish much. Rather than the very human response of defensiveness, or worse, going on the offense, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for patience, and then, if it applies remind yourself how much you love this person. If not, try to remind yourself how much God loves this person. Delve beneath the anger for the underlying emotion of hurt, fear, or frustration. Sometimes simply acknowledging the cause of the anger can defuse the situation. “You were really frightened when you couldn’t get hold of me,” or “I hurt your feelings when I made a joke at your expense,” or “Yes, I can see how I caused you to be frustrated.”

Whether for our own actions or the simple unfairness of this world, offering a sincere, “I’m sorry,” can be the quiet eye of a storm for a person who is weather-beaten by more hardship than they can handle alone.

So strive to find your own calm, but sometimes it is even more important to help others find theirs. You might discover that helping others distracts you from your own worries, or makes you realize they are small by comparison.

Blessings!

Worry Free Living

This is our penultimate week of preparation for Easter. It’s also our next-to-last look at how to fight fear in our lives. I just listened to Chris Tomlin’s song, Whom Shall I Fear, with the line, “The God of angel armies is always by my side.” What more could we ask to uphold our courage?

The book we focus on this week is Worry Free Living, by Frank Minirth, M.D., Paul Meier, M.D., and Don Hawkins, Th.M.  Though it was published in 1989, it still holds great insight, and used copies are available on Amazon. Written by two psychiatrists and a minister, this book pulls together guidance for our minds and our hearts.

The authors believe we experience anxiety when we are afraid to look at a negative emotion inside us, such as, anger, guilt, lust, or resentment. The Holy Spirit uses anxiety to draw our attention to something that needs to be aired. Though we might not want to admit a hidden truth, we must uncover it, and forgive ourselves or someone else or ask for forgiveness, in order to rid ourselves of anxiety. Forgiveness involves becoming aware of our anger and then choosing not to hold the offense against the person, in order to unburden ourselves. We decide not to seek revenge or even dwell on the offense. We don’t lick our wounds.

As we’ve read from other authors, a little anxiety can be a good thing, if it helps us prepare or encourages us to work in order to dispel the worry. Too much anxiety can lead to defense mechanisms, phobias, mental disorders, addictions, physical complications, and spiritual hopelessness. Sometimes professional help is necessary, but the authors suggest steps of self-help can prevent or alleviate anxiety for most of us:

• Meditate daily, including meditation on Scripture.
• Condition yourself to relax, using a repetitive phrase (like our affirmations) or visualizing a beautiful place to calm yourself.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Talk through problems to vent the pressure with someone you trust, and listen to theirs, too
• Limit your worry to a 15-minute time slot and push aside worries until that time (As a parent, when my girls became highly anxious we would walk around the block once or twice, limiting our expressing-worry time to that walk.
• Live one day at a time, not thinking “what if” about the future, or “if only” about the past.
• Design an Action Plan. Do something to lessen your anxiety, for instance take an assertiveness class if you have trouble expressing your wants and needs.
• Cultivate awareness of God’s presence with you. (Our God of angel armies!)
• Decide to obey God, both to avoid guilt, a source of anxiety, and because He commands us not to worry.
• Replace worry with prayer.
• Give up faulty beliefs, like perfectionism or the necessity of winning approval from all.
• Adopt a healthy lifestyle in the areas of sleep, diet, recreation, and exercise.
• Examine your self-talk and replace the negative with positive. Replace a low self-image with a sense of your worth as a child of God.
• Grow in intimacy with others. Reach out, build healthy friendships. If you aren’t able to do this, then reach out to a counselor to help you learn how. A good friend offers love, peace, open communication, mutual improvement, and refreshment.
• Grow in intimacy with God through prayer, Scripture, and meditation. Since God is for us, who can be against?

I suspect each reader has methods they use to counter fear and anxiety. As we mature, we adopt methods of self-soothing. I tell myself, “I’m safe right now.” One reader emailed that she prays, “Jesus, I trust in You.” Another reminds herself to “claim my power” or “take control of my life”.

How do you fight fear?