4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Freely, Fully, Faithfully, Fruitfully

Good Friday has arrived, which means I’ve written 5 premarriage posts and 6 marriage posts during Lent. Yet, when Fr. Mike asked on Sunday at Mass what marriage advice my spouse and I had to offer as we celebrated 30 years, I went completely blank. (Husband came up with, “Don’t go to bed angry,” and saved the moment.)

So, to redeem myself, I’m going to offer some of my favorite tidbits:

• Like the song says, Turn Back to Me, with All Your Heart. When I most want to turn away is when it’s the hardest but most important to turn toward my husband and reconnect.
• That goes along with what someone said who shared our anniversary date. He and his wife promised to, Love each other when most unlovable.
• Always treat your spouse with respect, whether in person or when talking about him or her.
• Express gratitude for every service your spouse does for you, from a meal made to a day spent at work.
• In general, put your spouse first, ahead of any other person. Though occasionally your children’s needs must come first, a strong marriage is one of your greatest gifts to them. Set aside time alone together—a few (4?) minutes each day, one evening a week, and a weekend a couple of times each year.
• Pray together. Studies show couples who regularly pray and attend Church together have a much lower rate of divorce. Inviting the Holy Spirit into your marriage brings graces that reinforce your commitment to everlasting love.
• Play together. Find ways to keep laughter in your relationship. Not by teasing, of course.

I’ve been thinking about the Church’s view on marriage as it is illuminated by annulment (Decree of Nullity) proceedings. In order to determine whether a marriage was, in fact, a sacramental covenant that is indissoluble, the Church looks for four elements to be present at the time of the wedding. The Church asks whether both parties promised themselves:

• Freely – Were both members of the couple free to make a lifetime vow? Were they mature enough, mentally stable enough, and not encumbered by any situation that made marriage seem to be the only option?
• Fully – Was either party holding back some truth from the other? Were they ready and willing to accept each other as they were, without any conditions?
• Faithfully – Did they intend to remain faithful to each other alone, for life?
• Fruitfully – Was their love open to sharing with others, particularly children?

If these four elements were not present, the Church may find that a marriage, though legal (and thus recognizing any children as legitimate) may not have been a valid sacramental marriage.

It stands to reason that if we want our marriages to be lifelong, indissoluble, we should work to turn to each other every day and offer our love:

• Freely – Do I work to keep other commitments from coming between me and my spouse? Do I attempt to grow in my maturity and emotional strength in order to bring my best to my marriage?
• Fully – Do I keep part of myself protected from my spouse, or do I make an effort to grow in intimacy and trust?
• Faithfully – Do I guard myself from temptation? Do I keep our marital challenges private and discuss them only with my spouse or with a trained professional? Do my actions assure my spouse that he or she is now and will always be my one and only?
• Fruitfully – We recognize love by the fruit that it bears. What sacrifices can I make to show my love? How can I turn away from selfishness and be open to the good of others? Am I parenting my children as fully as I can, teaching them spiritually, morally, and intellectually?

This post is our final one for this Lent. Like last year, I am making it shorter than usual in order to give you time to write a short note to your spouse that begins, “I love you because…” Then slip it inside an Easter card or Easter basket.

No groaning allowed. We all need to count our blessings from time to time, and your spouse is one of your best!

 I’d love to hear from you about how you’ve applied any of the ideas, or how I could improve these posts for next year (even if you say you hate homework).

 May your Easter Season and your relationship be blessed!

 Betty Arrigotti

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Relationship Myths

How are we doing? Can’t believe another week has flown by? Maybe you still haven’t read the last 4m4m post so you groaned when you saw this one? That’s ok. But your beloved is worth 4 minutes, right?

 Sometimes we have expectations of our relationships that are unrealistic, but since we don’t examine them, we don’t realize our mistakes.

Here are 10 myths that Dr. Phil McGraw writes about in Relationship Rescue,

1. A great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds. Men and women are too different to truly understand each other. Let’s accept our differences as enrichment, rather than making them sources of conflict.
2. A great relationship demands a great romance. Being in love is not like first falling in love. Emotions move in time from exciting to deep and secure.
3. A great relationship requires great problem solving. All relationships will have long term issues that will continue to be disagreed about. Let’s place the relationship above the conflict. Agree to disagree. Achieve closure on the emotions, even if we can’t find closure on the issue.
4. A great relationship requires common interests that bond us together forever. It’s not what we do, it’s how we do it. If forcing ourselves into common activities creates tension, don’t do it. Let’s enjoy what we naturally have in common.
5. A great relationship is a peaceful one. Arguing is neither good nor bad. If done in a healthy way, it can release tension and resolve problems, building a trust that we can disagree and still be close. Suppression of conflict can be destructive if it keeps issues from getting resolved. The key is to get emotional closure at the end of a disagreement so that; even if the problem isn’t solved, both find their minds and hearts in balance.
6. A great relationship lets us vent all our feelings. Many relationships are destroyed because one person could not forgive what the other said or did in anger.
7. A great relationship has nothing to do with sex. Sex provides an important time-out from life’s stress and adds closeness that is extremely important. If our sexual relationship is good, it registers about 10% on the importance scale. However, if we don’t have a good sexual relationship, it registers about 90% on the scale, taking on gigantic focus of the relationship.
8. A great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner. As long as the quirks or nuances are not abusive or blatantly destructive, we can learn to live with them.
9. There is a right way and a wrong way to make our relationship great. What is important is what works for the couple. This also holds true for how our beloved shows us love. It might not be the way we would choose, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
10.   Our relationship can become great only when we get our partner straightened out. We are jointly accountable for the current state of our relationship. Instead of waiting for our partner to change, we can and will serve ourselves much better by looking at ourselves instead of our partners.

 And speaking of looking at ourselves, Dr. Phil discusses some “bad spirits” that are destructive to our relationships and which we can change. We need to know our self-defeating nature so intimately that if it appears, we’ll be able to spot it and stop it immediately.

1. We’re scorekeepers. Partners cooperate, not compete. Focus on what we can give, not on what we are owed. Solid relationships are built on sacrifice and caring, not power and control.
2. We’re fault finders. If we’re criticizing, we’re not praising. And if we’re criticizing, we are not connecting. We are driving our partners away.
3. We think it’s our way or the highway. Our intolerance of our partner’s initiatives or ideas puts our own ego above the welfare of the relationship.
4. We turn into attack dogs. We start out discussing an issue and end up ripping into our partner with a personal attack.
5. We are passive war mongers. We thwart our partner by constantly doing that which we deny we are doing or the exact opposite of what we say we are doing. Our passively aggressiveness is designed to control, but insidiously and underhandedly.
6. We resort to smoke and mirrors. What is real never gets voiced, and what gets voiced isn’t real. The result is utter emotional confusion.
7. We will not forgive. When we choose to bear anger at our partner, we build a wall around ourselves.  Negativity begins to dominate our life. But by forgiving our partner, we can release ourselves.
8. We are bottomless pits. We are so needy that we consistently undermine our chances of success. Our partner is frustrated by never seeming to be able to “fill us up,” and never knows a fully functioning peaceful relationship.
9. We’re too comfortable. We don’t challenge ourselves; we don’t strive for any kind of excellence. It takes risk to keep a relationship improving.
10. We’ve given up. Often seen in an abusive relationship, this learned helplessness kills our spirit.

We’re not perfect people, so no relationship is perfect. But marriage makes us uncomfortable enough to encourage us to grow. We want to keep getting better, being more loving, and growing closer—for ourselves, for our partners, for our marriage, and for our families.

 Blessings on your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

 To read more about it: McGraw, Dr. Phil (2000). Relationship Rescue: A Seven Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner. Hyperion.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Sex and Fitness

Next week, we’ll be starting Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, but before we leave the Feldhahns’ books, I’d like to list a few more of their findings:

• With sex, her “no” doesn’t mean you.  Many women don’t have the same need to pursue sex as much as men do. (Though 1 in 4 marriages see the woman wanting more sex than the man.) They do care about sex, enjoy sex, and want to have a great sexual relationship with their man. Women’s lower level of desire for sex usually has nothing to do with their man’s desirability.
  • She has a lower level of sexually assertive hormones which means less craving for sex, less likelihood to initiate, more susceptibility to distractions, yet most women would change all this if they could. Don’t take “not tonight” personally. Use it as a learning tool to understand why.
  • She needs more warm up time than men. Either she needs to take it slowly, or needs some anticipation time. Women want to be romantically pursued.
  • Men’s bodies (no matter how great) do not turn on her body. Her mind may notice and find her husband attractive, but her body won’t, at least until sexually involved. However, lack of grooming can turn her off. (Showered? -check. Teeth brushed? – check.)
  • For her, sex starts in her heart. Her body’s response is tied to how she feels emotionally about her husband at the moment. Great sex starts with a man helping his wife feel happy and close to him outside the bedroom. Hug her sometimes just to hug her. Or share housework so she isn’t so tired.
  • She wants pleasure as much as he does, and if it isn’t happening, she may be reluctant. Women often would prefer to protect their husband from feeling inadequate and so don’t express their dissatisfaction, at the expense of the possibility of working together to solve this problem.
  • When in doubt, ask questions. What do you like? What don’t you like? How can we improve?

• Sex unlocks a man’s emotions. A woman’s sexual desire for her husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
  • Men believe that the women who love them don’t seem to realize that wanting more sex than they are getting is a crisis—not for the man, but for the relationship.
  • Sex fills a powerful emotional need. At a most basic level men want to be wanted.
  • Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired. It salves his loneliness and infuses him with confidence.
  • A “no” to a man feels like a rejection. He wants to feel irresistible to his wife. A continued lack of desire on a woman’s part can lead him to depression.
  • A woman can enhance her relationship if she leaves her husband in no doubt that she loves to love him.
  • Make sex a priority. If you need professional help, get it. Talk to your spouse. Even though this is a sensitive subject, it’s critical.

• Women need to feel beautiful in their husband’s eyes.
  • The little girl inside each woman needs to know her husband thinks she is pretty and he only has eyes for her. “You look fine,” isn’t good enough. She needs to be beautiful to him. He has a great ability to build her up in this area, or tear her down. She needs to hear it, and hear it often.
  • A husband is his wife’s mirror. He can reflect back to her what she needs to hear. If he doesn’t, she is vulnerable to both her inner questions and the external pressure from an intimidating world.
  • In our culture women are not being protected emotionally, but rather, humiliated for their lack of perfect looks. A husband who can reflect to her how lovely he thinks she is proves the best antidote to her own critique of her personal flaws and society’s external pressure. Give her specific, honest compliments.  Say it sincerely; say it immediately when you see her.
  • If a man is his wife’s mirror, he becomes a shattering hammer if he looks elsewhere. If she sees his glance linger over a beautiful women, she ceases to feel special. She feels like she can never be what he really wants.
  • Pornography sends the same message. Wives are injured when husbands look elsewhere for a thrill that they vowed to look for only in her.

• Men need to feel that their wife makes an effort at her appearance for his sake. (But they REALLY don’t want to talk about dissatisfaction with their wife’s appearance. DON’T ask your husband. We women know deep down if we’ve become complacent.)
  • A husband who sees that his wife is striving to look good for him feels that his wife cares about him.
  • What’s on the outside matters to him. Men desperately want women to know this, but because they know how fragile women are about their appearance, they feel absolutely unable to tell them.
  • This is not to say they need wives to be supermodels. And they certainly don’t want women to go to unhealthy extremes of eating disorders. Men are focusing here on weight, fitness, and appearance issues that women can healthfully do something about. Almost every man cares if his wife is out of shape and isn’t making a true effort to change.
  • When women take care of themselves, men feel loved. When they don’t, men feel unvalued and unhappy. Men want and need to feel proud of their wife.
  •  Perfection isn’t the goal. He’s as pleased by your effort as you are by his less-than-perfect attempts at romance.
  • Again, Shaunti stresses you shouldn’t panic your husband by asking him about this. He doesn’t want to make you cry. If you are not realistically happy with your overall appearance and fitness level, assume he’s not either. (Betty, here—I am a little uncomfortable ever giving advice NOT to talk to each other, but my husband agrees with the author.)
  • Good news. Husbands are likely to be very willing to help! That may mean financially, or by taking care of the children while you take care of you.

The above topics are some of the hardest subjects for men and women to talk about with their spouses. However, at the end of the surveys the Feldhahns asked, “What is the one thing that you wish your spouse knew, but you feel you can’t explain?” By far the top response was:

How deep their love and respect is.

Here’s your chance. Go tell him or her.

I’m going to.

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: These are also available on CD which make them easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Windows & Pop Ups

Welcome back to 4 Minutes 4 Marriage. Did last week’s post about women’s desire for emotional security and men’s double burden of financial responsibility and secret sense of inadequacy spark any good discussions? I hope so.

This week we return to the Feldhahn s’ books to talk about windows and pop ups. Remind you of your computer? We’ll use the computer analogy to better understand our partners.

First, the windows:

Men surveyed by Shaunti Feldhahn were surprised to learn that, unlike their own linear thinking, women tend to balance many thoughts and emotions at the same time. Like having many windows open on your computer and “alt-tabbing” back and forth between them.

Generally women are more adept at multi-tasking than men. In a typical minute a woman may be primarily focusing on her work, but also assessing whether her children are safe, calculating whether she’ll be able to finish the tasks of the day, considering what to have for dinner tonight, conscious that her coworker is in a bad mood, all the while feeling uneasy because she is worried about whether her husband left without a kiss this morning because something is bothering him. About half of all women might add to this list a vulnerability to “pop ups” of emotion from past experiences that seem to come out of nowhere. Women find it very difficult to compartmentalize thoughts or turn off emotions until a later time. And if their primary relationship is troubled, everything else is affected.

An awareness of how emotions pervade a woman’s thoughts can help men be better listeners. Men tend to want to fix things—much to a woman’s dismay—when what she wants is to be listened to. You see, for women the problem IS the emotion involved, more so than the situation that led to it. Men make tremendous strides in a relationship when they learn to listen to the feeling that is expressed, even more than the words. Then acknowledge the emotion. Words like, “That must have been frustrating,” or “That would have made me mad, too” are much more satisfying than, “Why didn’t you…” or “You should have….”

Of course, if she’s saying, “The sink is plugged,” she’s probably looking for you to fix it, not empathize. Or if you see that she can’t settle into a conversation because she’s distracted by worrying about the noise the kids are making in the next room, fix it by going to check on them yourself. But when she is talking to you and her voice is tight with emotion, her feelings are the message you should be tracking. If you aren’t sure how to respond, ask her. “Do you want advice, or just to be heard?”

Men also have pop up thoughts to deal with, but of a completely different kind. Women have accepted that men tend to be visual beings. To us that might simply mean we dress attractively to hold their attention. To men, though, it goes far beyond that. When a man sees an appealing woman, her unbidden image replays in his mind, possibly for years afterwards. Throw in movie love scenes, bra ads, jeans commercials, provocatively dressed teens walking past, a coworker’s fitted skirt, the Playboy cover he glimpsed at the grocery store, cheerleaders at the game, or a waitress’s cleavage. Our culture assails him with a barrage of enticing images that pop up more often than he cares to admit.

Notice I said unbidden. These visual replays have nothing to do with a roving eye, nor a dissatisfaction or lack of love for his wife. Many men would choose to turn off this temptation if they could. They are simply part of his gender’s makeup. He’s been struggling with these images since he was a teen. He can’t avoid wanting to look at a beautiful woman, though with effort he can choose not to. Still, he will be intensely aware of the woman he avoids watching. Of course, some men are more or less visual than others and will be more or less distracted by provocative scenes, but the sensual mental images seem to be a rather universal male experience.

Even Job of the Bible, whom God called, “the finest man in all the earth” (Job 1:8) knew temptation. He says, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust at a young woman.” (Job 31: 1)

Shaunti Feldhahn points out to men that they have choices:

• For every man, sensual images and thoughts arrive involuntarily.
• Every man’s involuntary physical impulse is to enjoy the feelings associated with these thoughts.
• But every man can make a choice—to dwell on the images and thoughts, or to dismiss them. Men honor their wives when they resist their desire to visually consume an attractive woman.

Ladies, how do we help our husband once we realize how temptations surround and bombard him? First, set aside our natural tendency to feel resentful or insecure when we notice him noticing another woman. We can show him we appreciate the effort he makes to redirect his attention to us, with a simple smile or a thank you. Remember, our husbands need our encouragement and support, not our judgment. Shaunti quotes one man, “The more I can reveal my weaknesses without being judged or accused, or without a major crisis in our relationship resulting from my transparency, the more I know I am loved for who I am, not for who she wants me to be.”

Second, make a point of examining what inadvertent temptation we might cause by how we dress, as well as what we teach out daughters about modesty. (Shaunti has written a book called, For Young Women Only.)

In summary, women are distracted in their multi-tasking by emotions that intrude and hold on until they are resolved. Men are distracted by the countless sensual images that our society surrounds them with. It’s as difficult for a woman to turn off her emotions as it is for men to turn off their mental images. As hard for men to ignore sensuality as it is for women to forget an argument.

How will knowing this enhance our relationships? Might make a great conversation starter…

Let’s pray for all marriages this week.

I’ll be praying for yours,

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE (Note: These are also available on CDs which make them easy to listen to during a commute.):

Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Rice, Lisa A. (2006). For Young Women Only: What you need to know about how guys think, Multnomah Books.

Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Security

Welcome back to 4 of the minutes you spend for your spouse!

 Did you talk or think about the love/respect differences between men and women this week? I hope it gave you a new perspective. Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn offer more observations from the Inner Lives books.

 According to the Feldhahns’ research, men are doubly burdened. They feel a strong responsibility to provide for their families. Even in today’s world when women may contribute substantial income, men see the financial responsibility to be theirs. And not only must they provide enough income to give their families all they currently need, but also to provide a secure future: college for their children, a comfortable retirement, or money to support their family in the case of their death.

Add to that their second burden—a secret sense of inadequacy— and you may begin to understand that men are constantly stressed about their work. Many men worry about what others think of them much of the time. Though they love a new challenge, they hope they can figure it out before they are “found out” or humiliated. As confident as men may appear, most of them harbor a constant fear of being exposed as imposters.

These two burdens combine to keep many men working more hours than their wives prefer. What to a woman may seem like time spent unnecessarily away from family seems to men to be time spent insuring they do their job well and keep the job they have. Men are amazed that women don’t realize they work as hard as they do as an act of love and sacrifice for the family.

Unfortunately, another misunderstanding incites conflict between husbands and wives. Men know that women value security, and to men security means financial strength. But what women mean by security is relational strength. Women want assurance that their husbands won’t leave them. One contributor to emotional security is the sense of closeness that grows through time spent together.

A man may want to give his wife security, so he works long hours to promote job security. A woman may see this as a threat to the security of her relationship and interprets his absence as an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with her. If she encourages him to work less, he worries that he’ll be found inadequate at work and lose his job. If he continues to work extra hours, she will feel emotionally threatened.

A positive side of this mismatch is that husbands may be surprised and relieved to know that given a choice between material things and their husbands’ happiness, women will choose to do without things in order to allow their husbands to find work they love.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT

Men can bring the kind of security that women really want without giving up their work:

• Small gestures convey love. Try an email, phone call, or words of appreciation.
• Be her best friend. Know each other better than anyone else.
• Make time with her a priority – Outside of traditional (40-50) work hours, don’t let anything else consistently receive more of your time and attention than she is given.
• Demonstrate your commitment – Does she know you will be there for her no matter what? (Review last week’s suggestions.)
• Participate in parenting and home life – Share the life you are working so hard to provide.

Women can ease the burdens of men’s sense of financial responsibility and secret fears of incompetence:

• Live within your means. Discuss ways to relieve financial pressure.
• Express gratitude and encouragement for your husband’s work and provision, even his extra hours.
• Reconsider conflict points about money issues in light of a new understanding of the pressure he assumes.
• Always build up your husband’s confidence, rather than criticize. Affirm him! Sadly, only 1 in 4 men in the book’s survey felt actively appreciated by his family.
• Make your home his safe haven where he isn’t judged.
• And finally, “The role of sex cannot be overstated. A great sex life will overshadow and overcome a multitude of impostor messages from the world.” Let him know he still rocks your world.

This final suggestion is from Betty, not the Feldhahns’ books. Consider giving each other the gift of the Sabbath. Reserve Sunday (or an alternate day if necessary) as a family day. Let it be a day free from financial pressures. Make memories together.

Exodus 35:2a: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD.

Thank you for demonstrating that your marriage is a priority for you by reading this entry!

Betty Arrigotti

TO READ MORE:

            Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

            Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Spousal differences

Welcome to “4 Minutes 4 Marriage 2008!” 

Watch for “4 Minutes Before Marriage,” which will be added to this blog soon.

            And welcome back to those of you who read entries last Lent. I hope we can cover new facets of relationship enhancement. Like last year, I will refer to couples counselors and relationship specialists to share some of their findings and wisdom.

            A brief introduction, first: My husband and I have been married 30 years and have raised four great daughters. I have a certificate in Spiritual Direction and a Master of Arts in Counseling, which I use to write stories about couples working to keep the “happily” in their “ever after.” That said, let’s jump right in and use our 4 minutes well.

            As we begin this Lenten exploration of marriage, ask yourself, “What do you want your marriage to be like? Close your eyes and imagine your spouse gazing at you with that, “I can’t believe how blessed I am” expression that melts your heart. We want to always feel that blessed, but sometimes our spouse is inexplicably upset. We need to understand him or her more deeply.

            Shaunti Feldhahn set out to understand men better, particularly their inner thoughts. She asked questions of more than 1000 men and later, with her husband Jeff, probed the thoughts of more than 1000 women. They used personal interviews as well as professional surveys. The results are found in two fascinating little books, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, and For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. These books reinforce what anyone who is married knows—men and women think differently—but record some surprising findings. (Generalization alert – of course there are many exceptions to everything in the books.)

            Studying the answers of men, Shaunti found that what men want most deeply in a relationship is to be admired or respected by the woman in their life. Given a choice on the survey between feeling loved and feeling respected by their wives, most men chose respected. Being loved is not enough to them. Men need to feel respected in order to feel loved.

            This is news to women, who would (in general) choose being loved over being admired. Of course we all want both! But it becomes clearer as women read about this deep-seated need of men that our little sarcasms, our teasing in public, our seemingly insignificant put-downs devastate our men, though they would feel weak to admit it.

            In The Inner Lives of Women, what seemed obvious to me but surprising to men is that what women most deeply need in their relationships is reassurance of their man’s love. We don’t assume we are loved because we have a ring on our finger. We need to hear it often and experience it in the way we are treated. Women want to be pursued the way we were before we were married. We need to know we still “rock their world.”

            In today’s society women are bombarded by media, and sadly by friends, of stories of men leaving their wives for other women. We’ve been told men are visual and we watch ourselves become less visually beautiful as our bodies sag from childbearing, our skin surrenders to wrinkles, and our hair turns grey or thins. We are afraid we will lose the men we love. We need reassurance every day that we are still the love of their life.

            Seventy percent of women reported that they think about the health of their relationship often or every day. This astounded men. When the relationship is under stress, most women feel like nothing else is right until it is resolved. And it isn’t enough that a woman knows she is loved. If she doesn’t feel loved, she will remain insecure.

            Triggers for a woman’s insecurity include conflict, her husband’s withdrawal (the way men often respond to conflict), his silence (she may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong), absence, unresolved relationship issues, or exhaustion.

STEPS TO ENHANCEMENT:

            WOMEN: Refrain from misdirected humor at our husbands’ expense. Instead, we can give them a priceless gift. Tell them how much we really do admire and respect them. Even better, let them overhear us complimenting them to our friends and watch how they stand taller!

            Men often interpret women’s desire to control things as a sign of disrespect. What to women is simple reminding, to men comes across as criticism or distrust. They know what needs to be done, but may simply place a different level of priority on it. When women ask a question to better understand their husband’s decisions, men perceive us to be questioning their judgment. As hard as it is for today’s women who have striven to be considered equals, men need us to defer to them sometimes. They need to know that we trust their judgment, their ability to figure things out, that they don’t need us to tell them how to do things. Men are highly sensitive to disrespect, even when none was intended.

            Shaunti quotes one man, “If a man’s wife is supportive and believes in him, he can conquer the world—or at least his little corner of it.”

            MEN: Be aware of your wife’s insecurity and provide reassurance of your love. Particularly during an argument, tell her you are upset, but that you love her dearly. When you need space, silence, or time to yourself, assure her it isn’t about her. Realize, too, that when she is upset, she doesn’t need space, she needs to be hugged. When she needs to talk about your relationship, try not to be defensive. She doesn’t mean to be critical; she simply wants to problem solve in order to be closer to you.

            The deal is never done. Husbands must continue to woo the woman of their dreams, even when they think they have won her. Wives must continue to support their husbands by showing their deep-felt admiration.

            What do you think? Does any of this ring true for you? Ask your spouse if it does for him or her. It might lead to a very interesting conversation.

Betty Arrigotti

BIBLE VERSE TO PONDER:

            So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.      Ephesians 5:33

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

            Feldhahn, Shaunti (2004). For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men, Multnomah Books.

            Feldhahn, Shaunti & Jeff (2006). For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. Multnomah Books.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Choose Life!

You persevered to the last 4 Minutes 4 Marriage entry of 2007! Thank you!

 In the spirit of Good Friday, when Christians commemorate Jesus’ suffering on the cross, let’s consider how we can reduce suffering in the world, beginning with the person we love the most.

An examination of conscience-

At times in a relationship we may feel justified:

1.     In considering revenge (If he can do it so can I.)

2.     Playing the victim/Nursing wounds (Poor me, no one else suffers like I do. I’ll never get over the time…)

3.     Holding on to bitterness and anger (What she said/did is unforgivable.)

4.     Shutting down (The silent treatment)

5.     Not listening with undivided attention (I don’t have time.)

6.     Attacking (The best defense is a good offense.)

7.     Turning our backs on our spouse.

8.     Focusing solely on our own desires.

9.     Using our spouse’s strengths as an excuse to ignore our weaknesses.

10. Losing hope (Why try? Maybe it’s time to move on.)

As Doctor Phil McGraw says, “Would you rather be right or happy?” Marriage isn’t a win/lose situation. It isn’t possible for one of us to win and the other lose, because then the marriage loses, so we both lose. It’s much better for us to set aside our need to win and find a way for both to feel good because then the marriage wins and both parties profit.

Let’s always give each other the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he had good intentions. Maybe she didn’t mean to hurt me. Maybe he wants this marriage to be strong as much as I do; he just doesn’t know how to help it.

Alternatives for Enhancement:

For the sake of our marriage, let’s choose life!

1.     Accept that no one is perfect; we all need a second chance; we all want to be loved just the way we are.

2.     Play the hero, stand up for what we know is right and good and true, for the sake of our beloved. Forgive. Let go. Move on lovingly.

3.     At all times, treat our loved one with respect.

4.     Open up. We need to talk in order to repair damage, in order to grow from our mistakes.

5.     Our undivided attention is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

6.     See the other’s anger as a cry of fear – fear of being alone, unloved, or rejected.

7.     Turn our hearts, though wounded, back toward our beloved.

8.     Focus on regarding our spouse’s needs as important as our own, and their wishes more rewarding to fulfill than our own.

9.     Learn from our spouses’ strengths. Value their strengths enough to emulate them.

10. Believe in the endurance of love. Trust that, together with God-Who-Is-Love, we can make life better for each other.

I’ve written this entry to be only a 2 minute read.

For the next two minutes, write down reasons you love your spouse. Then give the list to your beloved, perhaps in an Easter basket, or inserted in a card, hidden under the pillow, or taped to the bathroom mirror. These might prove to be the most meaningful two minutes you’ve devoted to your marriage this Lent.

Thank you for focusing on your marriage for the past seven weeks. As our marriage strengthens, so does our family. As our families are enriched, so is our society.

I will keep your marriage in my prayers in a special way this Easter season.

 Betty Arrigotti

I continue to love you because…………

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Love Languages

Do you sometimes miscommunicate so badly that you wonder if your spouse speaks a completely different language?

Do you honestly love your spouse, but can’t figure out why he or she doesn’t believe you?

Gary Chapman, in The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, asserts that many times relationships flounder because the two parties speak different languages and can’t understand each other. Of course, he doesn’t mean this literally. Rather, we each grow up experiencing love in certain ways and expect to express and receive love that way. If our spouse had different experiences of love, even though we are showing each other our affection, neither party may feel loved.

Chapman believes we demonstrate our love in five ways. We tend to focus on one of the ways, or perhaps two. So does our spouse. If they match, our emotional reservoir fills to overflowing. If not, we run dry, and eventually have no love left to return.

Consider how your spouse shows you and others in your family affection. Then read the expressions of love below and choose which category describes how your spouse shows love. That is probably the primary way your partner wants you to love him or her. Can’t choose between two? Wonderful! You can be bilingual and have twice as many ways to show your beloved how much you care.

1. Words of Appreciation – People who demonstrate and feel love verbally thrive on a simple thank you. On having others notice their efforts and express approval. On a kind tone of voice or a sincere compliment. Words of encouragement will inspire a willingness to take on challenges. A request for or an expression of forgiveness melts the heart and opens it to love. Use your words to affirm and express gratitude to your spouse.

1. Quality time – Undivided attention from loved ones makes us feel we are a priority in their lives. Spending time together watching TV doesn’t count. Focusing on each other’s thoughts and feelings, excluding other distractions, does.

          A person who shows and feels love through quality time will thrive on conversation when both individuals offer self-revelation by sharing their thoughts, feelings, experiences, and desires. Sharing feelings may be foreign for many of us, and first we must discover what feelings we actually are experiencing before we can express them. But intimacy will grow if we do. Quiet people must learn to share themselves; speed talkers must learn to listen.

          Others who focus on quality time might value quality experiences more than conversation. They emphasize activities together, but still with undivided attention. Is there an activity you know your partner would love you to participate in? Join with a positive, enthusiastic spirit and watch the joy it brings to your relationship.

1. 3.     Gifts – Many people experience and show love by giving gifts that are symbolic of their affection. Think of your wedding rings. They are precious, not because of the metal, but because of their meaning to you and your spouse. For people who demonstrate love with gifts, knowing that their beloved was thinking of them when they chose a flower, wrote a note on a card, or selected a gift warms their soul.

1. Acts of Service – Does your spouse delight in doing little things to please others? To people who feel and show love through acts of service, actions speak louder than words. Yard or house maintenance can symbolize your love. Likewise, they might feel unloved when you don’t get around to the requests they’ve made.

          You may be doing many things for each other, but what will show your love the best is to do the things that are important to your spouse. If you’d like your spouse’s love to grow, ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then follow through cheerfully, if at all possible.

1. 5.     Physical touch – For some people, physical touch expresses their principal love language. Caresses, holding hands, or making love fills them with the assurance that they are loved. Different families of origin communicate affection with differing levels of touch. If you were raised in a reserved family, you might struggle to become comfortable with huggy in-laws, but if your spouse needs more touch, your marriage is worth the effort. Learn to touch her hand as you converse, to snuggle next to him on the couch, to hold her when she cries. If your spouse usually initiates intimacy, surprise him or her and take a more active role.

If you aren’t sure of your spouse’s love language, think of what he or she complains about you not doing, or criticizes how you do it. Perhaps he or she is expressing a deep need, though not in an effective way. Ask for clarification, “This sounds very important to you. Can you explain to me why, so I can understand you better?”

Find the particular ways that your unique, delightful spouse experiences love, and then concentrate on expressing your love in the way your beloved understands. May your love take on new life!

Bible verses to ponder:

Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.  Luke 6:38 NLV

Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. 1 John 3-18 NLV

Extra Credit – Which love language do you use to express your love for God? Try a new one!

Betty Arrigotti

If you’d like to read more: Chapman, Gary (1992) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Moody Press.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Opposites Attract

Opposites attract, right?

On the other hand, when we were caught up in that wonderful emotional rush of new infatuation, didn’t our beloved seem exactly like us? Didn’t we share all the same values, ideals, and hopes for the future? We found ourselves in agreement on nearly everything. Weren’t we perfect for each other?

 Over the last four weeks we discussed the writings of Dr. John Gottman. Today we will turn our attention to some of the writings of David Schnarch, from his 1998 book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships.

 Lifting our honeymoon rose-colored glasses, Schnarch would say, “Yes, we are perfect for each other.” But not because we’re the same; rather, because our differences are so complementary. He writes that we tend to find life partners whose strengths complement our weaknesses and vice versa. For instance, where one of us feels comfortable with relating emotionally, the other is focused on responsibility. One may be an extravert while the other is an introvert, or value logic while the first loves creativity.

Schnarch says, like a metal crucible that holds molten metal as it is refined, our marriages support us while we are forged into better people. Ideally, the “Marriage Crucible” of everyday struggles helps us learn from each other and grow in our weak areas. We’ll become well-rounded and more whole by adding the other’s perspective to our own.

However, in most cases, we miss that opportunity. “He” sees his spouse excel at the nitty-gritty of finances, so he lets her take over those responsibilities. “She” sees him as a spiritual leader, so she focuses on the role of worldly thinker. One’s maternal or paternal instincts are strong, so the other lets her or him become the primary caretaker of the children.

Unfortunately, as we polarize into more extreme versions of ourselves, we lose admiration for our spouses’ differences and begin to feel our strengths are more important than theirs. The logical thinker relinquishes desire to be creative and is irritated by the spouse’s “flightiness” or “immaturity.” Meanwhile, the creative spouse begins to see the logical spouse as boring or restrictive. I’m remembering Harold Higgins in My Fair Lady singing Lerner’s lyrics, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”

Held in the confines of a committed relationship, resistance to growth can worsen until it feels intolerable. The irritation of daily interactions will force us to make a choice. We can give up and move on, looking for a relationship with someone new who is “just like us.” Or we can tough it out and choose to round out our abilities, to stretch ourselves beyond our comfort zones while we are supported, as we do, by our spouse and by our commitment to our marriage.

 Once I read an article about a newly retired couple. They looked at their remaining lifespan very practically and assumed that one of them would outlive the other. In order to be prepared, they decided to spend the first year of their retirement exchanging responsibilities. The wife learned how to maintain the car, change the furnace filters, and pay the bills. The husband learned how to cook, do laundry, buy gifts for their grandchildren, and clean a bathroom. That wise couple grew strong and flexible within the Marriage Crucible, and no doubt, gained great respect for each other’s abilities. I imagine, when one of them does pass away, the other’s grief will not be intensified by the fear of learning how to take care of day-to-day life.

 I believe if we aren’t growing, we are stagnating. If we aren’t growing closer, we’re moving apart. But a marriage where both partners stretch to learn and develop remains fresh and exciting. Will we settle for less?

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT:

What does your spouse take care of that you could benefit from doing? How can you stretch yourself by learning from your beloved’s strengths?

Gentlemen, if your wife handles communication with your children, reach out to them yourself. If they are grown, call them up just to chat. You’ll be amazed at what it means to you and them.

Ladies, we may all dream of a husband who notices the need and then scrubs a toilet. Still, I’m ashamed to admit how many times I let my husband be the one to dump the sewage from our travel trailer without feeling any guilt. And I truly do not want to learn how to change my car’s oil. But I could learn from him how to let little hurts roll off my back. And I really should tackle some of those phone calls that require assertiveness.

Where can you grow?

Choose one of your partner’s strengths that you’d like to practice and decide how to begin.

In the mean time, as a gift, do one task today that is usually your spouse’s responsibility.

Two Bible verses to ponder:

• These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

• Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you? (1 Corinthians 7:16 NLT)

Pat yourself on the back for investing four more minutes in your relationship!

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Schnarch, David M. (1998). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy in Committed Relationships. Henry Holt & Co.

4 Minutes 4 Marriage – Stonewalling

Are you looking at this entry and thinking, “Is it worth it to read this? I have so much to do!”

Don’t give up! I’ll make this short. And let’s make giving up be the topic of the day.

A question for the gentlemen: does even thinking about arguing with your wife raise your heart rate?

You’re not alone. In an argument, men can easily become flooded with adrenaline. The more charged with negative emotion the discussion becomes, the higher their stress level rises until they are so filled with adrenaline they can no longer process the conversation. They need to shut down. They give up, check out emotionally, or stonewall, John Gottman’s last destructive force.

The stonewaller may think he (or she—25% are female) is trying to stay neutral, or keep emotions from spiraling out of control, but his lack of response causes his wife’s heart rate to skyrocket and ultimately will shut down the whole relationship. How can improvements happen if someone has checked out of the discussion?

Another type of stonewalling happens by choice and can even become a habit. He (or she) decides arguing doesn’t work, so chooses to disconnect. Either he stops responding at all, or his responses have nothing to do with the disagreement, or he storms out of the room. One version that many women resort to is the silent treatment.

It takes two people to forge a strong relationship, but one can destroy it. Disengaging from communication keeps anything from being resolved.

ALTERNATIVES FOR ENHANCEMENT:

• Take a break, if you need one. (Allow at least 20 minutes for a flooded person to regain normal pulse rate and calm his nervous system.) Tell your spouse when you’ll be able to continue the discussion. Take deep, calming breaths. Go for a walk or exercise to process the adrenaline.
• Stonewallers can benefit from positive self-talk, assuring themselves that as long as they can communicate, they can improve the situation. Rather than catastrophizing—“This is horrible, there’s no hope, we aren’t going to make it, I can’t stand this”— reassure yourself. “I can do this. I love my spouse and am willing to make changes to keep this marriage healthy. We’ll get through this and be stronger for it.”
• Those who live with stonewallers should realize that they must back off before their spouse hits the point of disengaging out of self-defense. Both should try to de-escalate the argument by non-defensive communication. (See last week’s topic.)
• Don’t give up. You may have thought you were avoiding fights by your lack of response, but you actually were avoiding resolution. Be the hero, the knight, but don’t hide behind a suit of armor. Reach out and connect.
• When we most want to turn our backs is when we must turn our hearts back toward each other.

We must actively force away the four horsemen that destroy a chance at a happy marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If we don’t, we will find ourselves living parallel lives, disconnected from our spouses. Then, desperately lonely within our relationship, we run a risk of slipping into an affair in an attempt to build intimacy with someone else.

Bible verse to ponder:

A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. (Ezekial 36:26 RSV)

We will turn to another author in the next entry. Let’s review Gottman’s points:

1. At a most basic level, we all want love and respect in a relationship.
2. Complaints are specific and about one behavior. They can enhance a relationship if spouses are open to growth.
3. Criticism, on the other hand, attacks the person.
4. Contempt attacks the person with an intent to hurt.
5. Defensiveness, or the poor-me stance, relinquishes our ability to accept the challenge of self improvement for the sake of the ones we love.
6. De-escalate a disagreement by reaffirming your admiration for your spouse, interjecting healthy humor, touching affectionately, stepping back to make a comment about your current feelings, or trying to look at things from your spouse’s point of view.
7. When we want to turn our backs (stonewall) is when we must keep turning back toward each other.

Please contact me if you have ideas for ways to make these entries more helpful.

Betty Arrigotti

IF YOU’D LIKE TO READ MORE:

Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: and How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group.