The Eye of the Storm

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Find your calm.

Sometimes we have a right to feel overwhelmed. We are bombarded with responsibilities, or challenges, or trouble. It’s as if we are swept up in a tornado. At times like those, we need to strive to get to the eye of the storm. Some call it centering.

It doesn’t need to be for long, but for our health and sanity, we need to find a way to that peaceful place. Maybe you have a favorite place you can imagine that always makes you feel better: the ocean, a meadow, a mountain view, or on the shore of a lake. Picture yourself in that place and breathe slowly. Next picture God there with you. Just sit a moment with Him. Or talk to Him and tell Him how hard things are right now. Imagine sliding a huge backpack off and letting Him hold it for you.

I’ve heard doctors tell children to imagine a pain machine with all its lights lit. Then the children picture themselves turning down, one by one, the controls that reduce the pain. They watch the flashing lights slow, and one by one, go out.

Some people need to expend energy with a brisk walk or a fast run, or even jumping jacks right where they are. Some find that a particular type of music helps them detach from their escalating emotions.

I’ve heard of therapists who ask people in the throes of a panic attack to count 5 things they can see, then 4 that they can touch, then 3 that they can hear, then 2 that they can smell, and one they can taste. This reconnects people to where they are right now, rather than reliving a past trauma, or obsessing about a future what if.

We need to find ways to move ourselves out of a hurricane-like situation and into a place of calm. If you are a caretaker, you can’t stay there long, but even a few moments will help you feel better.

Even before we have mastered claiming some peacefulness for ourselves, it is possible to…

Be someone else’s calm.

As you learn to soothe yourself, you can become the eye of the storm for others. You can be a soft resting place, a source of encouragement, a soothing person to visit. This world desperately needs people who can bring calm and reason to a situation.

Where do you start?

Not by telling someone to calm down. Particularly in the work place, a man telling a woman to calm down can come across as very patronizing. There are times when anyone, man or woman, is justified to be passionate. Being told to calm down makes a person feel belittled.

Instead, stop and hear what the upset person is saying. Being thoroughly listened to can go a long way towards defusing a difficult situation. Even with children, a demand to calm down without an effort to acknowledge their frustration will only increase the upset. Yes, children need to learn to control themselves. Otherwise, their two-year-old tantrums will become a serious problem when they are teenagers. But hear what they are saying, teach them how to name their feelings, and then how to express them constructively.

Ask an obviously frightened person what needs to change to feel safe. If possible, help him or her change it.

Resist any temptation to judge or criticize. Enough people in the world are ready to pour negativity into others’ lives. A person must feel safe and respected before they can learn from your experience. For now, simply be their safe place. Simply the knowledge that someone else is nearby and willing to help can make a significant difference. Maybe later you can offer them advice or very gentle suggestions, but it won’t be accepted until you have their trust and they know you value them just as they are.

It is especially difficult to bring calm to a situation when someone is angry with you. Particularly someone you care deeply about. My Grandma used to say, “When people are the hardest to love is when they need love the most.” My first reaction to someone being angry at me is to be angry in return. Of course, that doesn’t accomplish much. Rather than the very human response of defensiveness, or worse, going on the offense, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for patience, and then, if it applies remind yourself how much you love this person. If not, try to remind yourself how much God loves this person. Delve beneath the anger for the underlying emotion of hurt, fear, or frustration. Sometimes simply acknowledging the cause of the anger can defuse the situation. “You were really frightened when you couldn’t get hold of me,” or “I hurt your feelings when I made a joke at your expense,” or “Yes, I can see how I caused you to be frustrated.”

Whether for our own actions or the simple unfairness of this world, offering a sincere, “I’m sorry,” can be the quiet eye of a storm for a person who is weather-beaten by more hardship than they can handle alone.

So strive to find your own calm, but sometimes it is even more important to help others find theirs. You might discover that helping others distracts you from your own worries, or makes you realize they are small by comparison.

Blessings!

Tactics Against Fear

Has the news disrupted your calm lately? Do you worry about the future of our world, our country, our community? Are you afraid for your family?

You’re not alone. I rarely feel uplifted after reading the headlines or watching the evening broadcasts. Within a half hour, we can be presented with terrorism, dire financial predictions, the plight of the homeless, and an increase in cancers, homicides, unfaithfulness, or depression. The news can leave us feeling overwhelmed.

Yet, over and over in the Bible, God instructs us to cast our worries upon Him, to leave tomorrow for tomorrow, and to fear not. The phrase, “Do not be afraid,” appears 70 times in the New International Version of the Bible. Frequently, “Do not be afraid,” is followed by, “or discouraged,” reminding us to act with courage. Some say other versions of this phrase appear 365 times, one for each day of the year. Often the command to not be afraid is followed by a reassurance of God’s protection. God doesn’t want us to go through life frightened about tomorrow.

Does that mean we shouldn’t plan or prepare for the future?

No.

It means God doesn’t want us to be paralyzed by fear, or even worse, to become so overwhelmed that we despair. He asks us to place our trust in Him, for faith casts out fear and allows us to become our best self, ready to do the tasks He sets for us.

When we are afraid, we have tactics we can choose:

• We can give the situation over to God, trusting Him to be all-loving, then

• We can face the fear and act to overcome it, or

• We can turn our backs on the fear.

When is each appropriate?

1. We Turn to God

Let our first reaction to fear be to turn to God.

Yes, we will meet evil, danger, hard times, suffering, and death. We simply cannot avoid all difficulty. Our best arsenal against fear is our trust in God. He is all-good, all-loving, and all-merciful, but our world is imperfect, and we will suffer. When we do, we need to remember what it felt like to be a child comforted on a lap in a rocking chair. Then we crawl into God’s arms to be cradled, knowing this too shall pass, and that we are treasured and loved beyond limits. Our trust in God, and His faithfulness, will get us through.

Some dangers that are very real, but beyond our reach to affect. North Korea is perilously unstable. Legalizing marijuana might result in people driving under its influence. Our children may meet with evil and be unprepared. Cancer or heart disease might lurk within us or our loved ones.

There is a quote from St. Francis de Sales: “The same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day of your life. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts.”

So first we “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)

Once we have placed ourselves in God’s care, we can return our attention to our difficulty and know that “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

 2. Face the Fear

When we are afraid, worried, or overcome with anxiety, we need to ask ourselves how realistic the fear is. Are we in true imminent danger, or are we borrowing trouble that might happen?

If the danger is real, we need to determine the best way to react. Sometimes running away is a great choice. Usually though, facing our fear means we need to calm ourselves enough to think clearly. We need to assess our strengths and weaknesses, apply our strengths to the problem, and take whatever steps we need to overcome our weaknesses. Is the danger something we can lessen, or do we need help from someone else?

For instance, if I’m in danger of not being able to pay my bills, I calm myself so I can assess the situation. I might use my strengths to add part-time work, or to think through where I can cut back. If I know I’m weak in self-discipline or in budgeting, I work to improve my abilities in those areas or seek help from someone who has those strengths. In some of the weeks ahead we will consider ways to overcome weaknesses that disrupt our calm.

3. Turn our Backs on Fear

Many fears don’t deserve facing for longer than it takes to realize they are not worth our time. Some things are so unlikely to happen, or so trivial if they do, that we simply need to realize we are wasting our energy if we let them upset us. Does it really matter what an acquaintance thinks about what we do? Or whether a friend has more or is doing better than us at something? Or if we are occasionally embarrassed? Sometimes we turn our backs by deciding the trouble is not important enough to worry about. We let it go.

Summary – When Fear is Overwhelming

When we are overcome with anxiety, we need to calm ourselves. We pray. We take deep, slow breaths. We can meditate. Perhaps we take a brisk walk or run. We might reach out to a friend for help.

When we are calm enough to be able to think clearly, then we can decide whether we need to face our fears or turn our backs on them. If we need to face them, we can begin to plan (with a sense of strength, not fear) and prepare ourselves for what lies ahead, knowing as St. Augustine did that we can “Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended on [us].”

Blessings on your week!

To Regain Our Calm

This Lent we will pursue the topic of Calm, how to achieve it or reclaim it.

We all have our moments when we lose all sense of calm. In today’s political climate even our nation seems to lack its ability to deliberate and make decisions from reasoned clarity. Add to that our society’s tendency to expect quick, if not instantaneous results, and our constant electronic connectedness, and we risk a state of endless anxiety.

Anxiety is rarely constructive. If we are influenced by a state of nervousness – hurry, insecurity, a sense of being unsafe—then we are unlikely to think clearly and make reasonable decisions. And we adults are not alone in this. Our children increasingly suffer from anxiety, too, which can lead to depression and contribute to an unhealthy sense of hopelessness.

We must regain our calm! We must learn to self soothe, to take time to gather our thoughts, to step back from the hurry and pressures of this fast-paced life. In the next few weeks we will explore ways to bring calm back to our personal, relational, spiritual, and occupational aspects of our lives. The good news is that an improvement in any area of our lives will improve the other areas as well.

You personally may only need to work in one category of your life. Perhaps your relationships do not cause you to worry, but your work does, or you are organized personally, but your family life feels chaotic. So pick and choose the suggestions you want to try. Any growth will reap rewards!

Personally, I have always struggled to maintain a sense of calm. Although it hasn’t come naturally, that doesn’t mean it can’t be achieved. If I can move myself away from worry and insecurity towards calm and confidence, you can, too.

Here are some enemies of calm:

• Hurry
• Overextension
• Dwelling on our fears
• Giving in to our fears
• Disorganization
• Indecisiveness
• Procrastination
• Negativity
• Selfishness
• Fear of the future
• Inconsideration
• Unwillingness to say no
• Failure to plan
• Weariness
• Poor prioritization
• Weak self-discipline
• Insufficient self-confidence
• Too little prayer or meditation

And perhaps most importantly

• Lack of trust in God

Do any of the above sound like areas you struggle with? Good! Then you know where to start. This Lent can be a beginning of growth, and strides can be made by Easter!

Here’s your first step. Become aware of when you lose your sense of calm. Are you feeling pressure or even panic? Is your breathing shallow? Are your palms sweaty? Are your muscles tense? Does a quick escape sound tempting, either out of the room, or out of the relationship, or out of the job?

Take a deep breath. Take a step back. Are you in real danger, or does it just feel like it? Think for a moment. Is your body in charge or your mind? Do you need a break to regain your composure, even if it’s just to count to ten? Are you overtired, overworked, or overwrought? We need good rest to be at our best, whether that means going to bed earlier, taking a day off for fun, or setting aside ten minutes to pray.

And yes, all those wise choices we know we should make really do take a toll if we disregard them. Along with rest, we need regular exercise, healthy diets, hydration, social time, creativity outlets, and attention to our spirituality. How are you doing on those areas? Which one, or ones, need attention?

Here’s your homework for the week. Notice when you’ve lost your calm. Think about the areas of balance where you might need to make some changes. We will begin to tackle strategies next time.

Blessings!