Causes of Insecurity
How did you do avoiding complaints for the last week? I have to admit, I kept realizing I had let slip another complaint. But at least being aware of the habit is a first step to breaking it.
Complaining and negative thinking are obstacles to experiencing Joy. Another obstacle, even more widespread, is Insecurity. We all feel it sometimes, but some of us feel it chronically. The origins are different for each of us, and our reaction to insecurity may look different (some might withdraw while others cling). However, we all swindle ourselves as we settle for a limited life, rather than an abundant life, because we are afraid. When we try to protect ourselves from any hint of failure, we cheat this world of the truly powerful contribution we could be making.
This week I’ve been listening to the audio version of Beth Moore’s new book, So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us. She writes of many causes or roots for feeling insecure. Read through these possibilities and consider how your insecurity began:
- An unstable home
Relational instability
Financial struggles
A Parent’s physical illness, mental illness, or addiction
An unloving parent
Any abuse – emotional, physical, verbal, or sexual
Unprotected as a child, we seek protection and so are often drawn to the wrong type of person. Only God can always protect us from what really endangers us.
- Significant loss of anything you derive security from. This can happen at any age.
Death of loved one
Loss of face or respect, public shame
Loss of innocence
- Rejection
Any relationship holds potential for rejection. However, if we won’t risk rejection we won’t find intimacy.
Our perception of a rejection could simply be a boundary – we can’t claim ALL of a person’s attention, even a spouse.
A rejection tells lies about our personal value, and sadly, we often concur. “I must not be valuable, worth loving, or even liking.”
- Dramatic change
None of us can avoid change; only God is unchanging. We see security in sameness, even if it is not a good situation. A history of unwelcome changes leads some to dread, always expecting something bad is about to happen. Others become psychologically dependent on crisis. If there is none, we create one.
God uses change to change us, to coax us to the next level of growth.
- Personal limitations
Learning disability
Physical disability
Abnormality – anything that makes us feel different/inferior, even if just through our perception.
- Personal disposition
Tender heartedness or sensitivity can predispose us to insecurity. The more sensitive we are, the more vulnerable we become. God gave us our tender hearts for a reason. Life is brutal, but He knows it is scary to be us and doesn’t take our pain lightly.
- Culture
Today’s media bombards us with unachievable perfection and the worship of youth. A mark of security is being able to be around anyone, no matter how intelligent and attractive and still maintain personal confidence and contentment. But with today’s media, we’re now tempted to feel inferior to thousands!
- Our own pride
Pride! Unlike other roots, this is within our control, not imposed on us. If I can’t be The Most Attractive, I’ll at least be…
The Best…
The Hardest Working…
The Most Congenial (or Popular?)…
The Most Noticeable…
The Most Religious…
Instead, we end up joining the ranks of the most exhausted.
Pride carried to extreme can become Perfectionism. Moore calls perfectionism, “Insecurity in an art form. Looks pretty, acts deadly.” Perfectionists are insecure despite (or because of) their high personal standards, emphasis on precision, and aspiration to be better than others. Perfectionists alternate between feeling horrible about themselves and superior to others. Low self esteem and pride coexist.
Look at the above list. Does one area explain the underlying source of your insecurity? Or are you a poster child for having every root of insecurity planted somewhere in your psyche? Whether your insecurity stems from a difficult childhood, or your own pride and perfectionism, you can turn your pain over to God. In some instances you’ll be asking for forgiveness, or the ability to forgive. In others, for healing. Moore reminds us, “Time doesn’t heal. God does.”
God sees and knows 1000 times better than we do where we are wounded and weak and what graces we need to be renewed, healed, and empowered. WE don’t need to be perfect, because HE is. In fact, he tells us “His strength is made perfect in our weakness.”
This week we’ve used Beth Moore’s book to help us discover the roots of our insecurity. The “Quick Start” answer to growing out of insecurity is to focus on and trust God, rather than ourselves. But next week we’ll look deeper into practical steps to overcome our insecurity, and by doing so, knock down or sail over one more hurdle to Joy.
Blessings on your week!
Betty Arrigotti
To read more: Moore, Beth (2010). So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us. Tyndale. Or visit www.solonginsecurity.com
Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9 (NASB)
Tags: Joy, Self-Improvement
February 26, 2010 10:08 am 2 Comments
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By Larry Perkins, March 1, 2010 @ 2:27 pm
The title of the book you quote, “So Long Insecurity: You’ve been a bad friend to us,” seems to imply that Insecurity is, in and of itself, a bad thing. I believe starting a logical train of reasoning with this premise encapsulates a fundamental flaw. “Feelings of Insecurity” or “Feelings of Love” or “Feelings of Hate” or “Feelings of Happiness” or “Feelings of Sadness” or “Feelings of ” are, in and of themselves, neither Good nor Bad.
God gave us each of our emotional responses for a purpose; Right or Wrong attaches to them only within the context of the object on which they are focused and the form in which they are expressed. Insecurity, as an objective emotional state, is no different than any other emotion in this regard. There are times, most certainly, when “feeling insecure” is inappropriate; there are times when “feeling insecure” is not only appropriate; but, vital to one’s “social survival” and, perhaps, to one’s physical survival as well.
The problem that far too many people face today is their emotions becoming attached to incorrect objects and/or being expressed incorrectly. The issues surrounding Insecurity are a part of this more general phenomenon. I believe Ms. Moore’s “laundry list” of “roots” for Insecurity is, at heart, misleading. Certainly, the situations mentioned can “set the stage” or “provide context” for developing Insecurity; conversely, they can also provide the emotional underpinnings for some of the most secure people you’ll ever meet.
I can name dozens of other situations, some that most people would consider “positive,” that often lead to widely disparate outcomes for different people. The differences in outcome are not caused solely (or even primarily) by the original situation; rather, they are based, in large part, on the “interpretation” brought to bear by the individual. This interpretation is in turn influenced greatly by what others surrounding the person, and increasingly society at large, expect from the victim of a particular tragedy. That last point is key; let me say it again: this interpretation is in turn influenced greatly by what others surrounding the person, and increasingly society at large, expect from the hero of a particular triumph.
Did you catch that? Of course you did. I only changed two (2) words, but the picture of the person’s role in the unspecified events changed 180 degrees!
I worked for a number of years with a fellow who was known for saying, any time disaster struck, “Wonderful! We have an opportunity to excel!” I happened to be present one time when another co-worker asked him, shortly after $1,500,000 worth of equipment had unexpectedly emitted smoke from an ‘unapproved’ orifice, “You are always so ‘cool’ in the face of a crisis, how do you do it?” His response was, “Well, I spent three combat tours in Vietnam. Lots of the time, bullets were thicker than mosquitoes. I have not heard a bullet for at least 10 minutes; therefore, this is NOT a crisis.” Both the people in this conversation were experiencing the same situation — albeit from different perspectives and with different expectations. One was Insecure; one was not.
I work with Boy Scouts all the time. They come in as Boys and, I like to think, more than a few of them leave as Men. We have a lot of Scouts in our Troop who are “disadvantaged” and for the first year or so, the Friendly Neighborhood Scoutmaster has to listen to reasons (coming mostly from the Parents; but, often echoed by the kids themselves) as to why *this* Scout can’t succeed at a particular activity. (“It’s too hard…” “He’s never been coordinated…” “He’s been unwilling to do stuff since his Dad left us…” “He has Aspergers…” “He has FAS…” “He’s too fat…” “He’s too thin…” “He gets cold easily…” “He catches cold easily…”)
I spend most of my time repeatedly turning the focus from “Why we can’t” to “How we can”! Do some of these young men face extraordinary challenges? You bet! Can they overcome them? It depends, in large part, on what the people surrounding them “expect.” In the 18 Eagles who have come from our troop since 1998, not one has been without some sort of “special” challenge. In fact, by and large, the more challenged the individual Scout, the more likely they were to succeed — if the expectations (particularly at home) were correct.
So, I am afraid, I don’t see Ms. Moore’s Laundry List as “causes” of Insecurity. Sure, they can turn into that; sure, most of them are unpleasant to experience; sure, some of them, particularly those involving abuse, are Evil; but, that doesn’t mean Evil has to come
from them.
Think of ingredients placed in a baking pan… Most recipes start out by “breaking some eggs” — not, by itself, a “good” thing — then you pour in all sorts of stuff that would make a big mess if simply dumped on the floor. Yet, the proportions, the mixing, the oven temperature, the baking time — these “contextual interpretations” are all at least as important as the actual ingredients when it comes to determining whether you get cake, brownies, cookies, or charcoal (or Insecurity or Joy) out the other side.
So, when you get home from the store and your egg carton has six cracked eggs in it, do you see disaster; or, do you pre-heat the oven and start baking because you an “opportunity to excel”?
By Betty, March 2, 2010 @ 10:53 am
Thank you, Larry, for your comments.
I find myself in that confusing position of agreeing with you, as well as Beth Moore, completely. I must take some of the responsibility for any misunderstanding. Beth refers to the precipitators of insecurity as roots. I called them causes, without really thinking of that word in its “causal” sense.
You are right, Larry, that experiences result in different reactions for different people. One child who has been raised with shame might grow up determined to prove the ones who humiliated him wrong. Others might be so downtrodden that they believe the accusers and accept that they are damaged goods, unable to make a contribution to the world. One has been able to build a sense of security; the others are floundering in insecurity.
What makes the difference for the first? Perhaps an innate resilience. Perhaps the child had a hero in his life (Scout master?) who counteracted what was taught at home. Perhaps along the way counseling or faith or inspiration brought about healing.
Again, you are absolutely right that feelings are neither good nor bad, but how we react to those feelings, how we act upon them, whether we nurture the negative or counterbalance them with positive, our actions are what should be judged. Our actions and our thoughts. For I believe much healing of feelings can come from redirecting our thoughts. For instance, if my husband comes home in a bad mood (which is rare, actually) I might feel instant frustration and react with impatience. Or, if I take time to think after I feel the frustration, I might ask him to tell me about his day so that I can understand his mood and trade my reactive feeling of frustration for a chosen feeling of compassion. Then my chosen action is more likely to be a hug than a retort.
I think Moore is attempting to help both the insecure individual and the society at large to analyze and correct their interpretation (or their attitude). I loved your wording of the victim/tragedy and the hero/triumph.
If more of us could compare our current situation to your friends’ experience we’d readily agree, “I have not heard a bullet for at least 10 minutes; therefore, this is NOT a crisis.” That would certainly put our fears in perspective.
You give us a good segue into the next blog, where I enumerate Beth Moore’s steps people can take, once they have learned something about when and how their insecurity began.
Moore is pointing out that people who feel chronically insecure can overcome their past experiences, and with various steps, such as centering their trust on God, or learning to stop comparing themselves with others, reclaim a sense of security.